第40章

gaintheimpressionthatthepairofusaresittingplungedinavoidofdarknesswherelifedoesnotexist，yetwherewearedestinedtobeginlife。 “However，themanwasalibertineandadrunkard，andmanyariotousnightdidhespendwithhiscroniesintheporter’slodgeoftheconvent。Also，hetriedtoarouseasimilartasteinmyself；andthoughforatimeIresistedthetendency，Iatlength，onhistakingtobeatingme，yielded。Onlyforoneman，however，hadIreallyaliking；andwithhimitwas，andnotwithmyhusband，thatIfirstlearntthemeaningofspousehood…… Unfortunately，myloverhimselfwasmarried；andintimehiswifecametohearofme，andprocuredmyhusband’sdismissal。Thechiefreasonwasthatthelady，apersonofgreatwealth，washerselfhandsome，albeitstout，anddidnotcaretoseeherplaceassumedbyanobody。Next，myhusbanddiedofdrink；andasmyfatherhadlongbeendead，andIfoundmyselfalone，Iwenttoseeandconsultmystepmother。Allthatshesaid，however，was: ’Whycometome？Goandthinkthingsoutforyourself。’AndItoothenreflected:’Yes，whyshouldIhavegonetoher？’andrepairedtotheconvent。Yeteventherethereseemedtobenoplaceleftforme，andeventuallyoldMotherTaisia，whohadoncebeenmygoverness，said:’Tatiana，doyoureturntotheworld，forthere，andonlythere，willyouhaveachanceofhappiness。 SototheworldIreturned——andstillamroamingit。“ “Yourquestofhappinessisnotfollowinganeasyroad！“ “Itisfollowingtheroadthatitbestcan。“ Bynowthedarknesshasceasedtokeepspreadoverus，asitwere，thestretchedwebofaheavycurtain，buthasgrownthinnerandmoretransparentwiththetension，savethat，inplaces(forinstance，inthewindowofthehut)，itstillliesinthickfoldsorclotsasitpeersatuswithitssightlesseyes。 Overthehummock-likeroofsofthehutsrisethechurch’ssteepleandthepoplartrees；whilehitherandthitheronthewallofthehut，thecracksandholesinthecrumblingplasterhavecausedthewalltoresemblethemapofanunknowncountry。 Glancingatthewoman’sdarkeyes，Iperceivethemtobeshiningaspensively，innocentlyastheeyesofayoungmaiden。 “Youareindeedacuriouswoman！“Iremark。 “PerhapsIam，“sherepliesasshemoistensherlipswithaslender，almostfelinetongue。 “Whatareyoureallyseeking？“ “Ihaveconsideredthematter，andknow，atlast，mymind。Itisthis:Ihopesomedaytofallinwithagoodmuzhikwithwhomtogoinsearchofland。Probablylandofthekind，Imean，istobefoundintheneighbourhoodofNewAthos，[AmonasteryintheCaucasus，builtonthereputedsiteofacavetenantedbySimeontheCanaanite]forIhavebeentherealready，andknowofalikelyspotforthepurpose。Andthereweshallsetourplaceinorder，andlayoutagardenandanorchard，andprepareasmuchploughlandaswemayneedforourworking。“ Herwordsarenowfirmer，moreassured。 “Andwhenwehaveputeverythinginorder，otherfolkmayjoinus；andthen，astheoldestsettlersintheplace，weshallholdthepositionofhonour。Andthusthingswillcontinueuntilanewvillage，reallyafinesettlement，willhavebecomeformed——asettlementofwhichmyhusbandwillbeselectedthewardenuntilsuchtimeasIshallhavemadeofhimabarin[Gentlemanorsquire]outright。Also，childrenmayonedayplayinthatgarden，andasummer-housebebuiltthere。Ah，howdelightfulsuchalifeappears！“ Infact，shehasplannedoutthefuturesothoroughlythatalreadyshecandescribethenewestablishmentinasmuchdetailasthoughshehaslongbeenaresidentinit。 “Yes，Iyearnindeedforanicehome！“shecontinues。“Ohthatsuchahomecouldfalltomylot！Butthefirstrequisite，ofcourse，isamuzhik。“ Hergentlefaceandeyespeerintothewaningnightasthoughtheyaspiretocaresseverythinguponwhichtheymaylight。 AndallthewhileIamfeelingsorryforher——sorryalmosttotears。ToconcealthefactImurmur: “ShouldImyselfsuityou？“ Shegivesafaintlaugh。 “No。“ “Whynot？“ “Becausetheideasinyourmindaredifferentfrommine。“ “Howdoyouknowwhatmyideasare？“ Sheedgesawayfrommealittle，thensaysdrily: “BecauseIcanseetheminyoureyes。Tobeplain，Icouldneverconsent。“ Withafingertappinguponthemouldy，gnarledoldoakenstumponwhichwearesitting，sheadds: “TheCossacks，forinstance，livecomfortablyenough；yetIdonotlikethem。“ “Whatinthemisitthatdispleasesyou？“ “Somehowtheyrepelme。True，muchofeverythingistheirs；yetalsotheyhavewayswhichalienateme。“ Unableanylongertoconcealfromhermypity，Isaygently: “Never，Ifear，willyoudiscoverwhatyouareseeking。“ Sheshakesherheadprotestingly。 “Andneveroughtawomantobediscouraged，“sheretorts。 “Woman’sproperroundistowishforachild，andtonurseit，and，whenithasbeenweaned，togetherselfreadytohaveanotherone。Thatishowwomanshouldlive。Sheshouldliveaspassspringandsummer，autumnandwinter。“ Ifinditapleasuretowatchtheplayofthewoman’sintellectualfeatures；andthough，also，Ilongtotakeherinmyarms，Ifeelthatmybetterplanwillbetoseekoncemorethequiet，emptysteppe，and，bearinginmetherecollectionofthiswoman，toresumemylonelyjourneytowardstheregionwherethesilverwallofthemountainsmergeswiththesky，andthedarkravinesgapeatthesteppewiththeirchillyjaws。Atthemoment，however，Icannotsodo，fortheCossackshavetemporarilydeprivedmeofmypassport。 “Whatareyouyourselfseeking？“sheaskssuddenlyasagainsheedgestowardsme。 “Simplynothing。Myonedesireistoobservehowfolklive。“ “Andareyoutravellingalone？“ “Iam。“ “EvenasamI。OhGod，howmanylonelypeoplethereareintheworld！“ Bythistimethecattleareawakeningfromslumber，and，withtheirsoftlowings，remindingoneofapipewhichIusedtohearplayedbyacertainblindoldman。Next，fourtimes，withunsteadytouch，thedrowsywatchmanstrikeshisgong——twicesoftly，oncewithavigourthatclangsthemetalagain，andafourthtimewithameretapoftheironhammeragainstthecopperplate。 “Whatsortoflivesdothemajorityoffolklead？“ “Sorrylives。“ “Yes，thatiswhatItoohavefound。“ Apausefollows。Thenthewomansaysquietly: “See，dawnisbreaking，yetneverthisnighthavemyeyesclosed。OftenIamlikethat；oftenIkeepthinkingandthinkinguntilIseemtobetheonlyhumanbeingintheworld，andtheonlyhumanbeingdestinedtore-orderit。“ “Manyfolkliveunworthylives。Theylivethemamiddiscord，abasement，andwrongsinnumerable，wrongsbornofwantandstupidity。“ AndasthewordsleavemylipsmymindlosesitselfinrecollectionsofallthedarkandharrowingandshamefulscenesthatIhavebeheld。 “Listen，“Isay。“Youmayapproachamanwithnothingbutgoodinyourheart，andbepreparedtosurrenderbothyourfreedomandyourstrength；yetstillhemayfailtounderstandyouaright。 Andhowshallhebeblamedforthis，seeingthatnevermayhehavebeenshownwhatisgood？“ Shelaysahanduponmyshoulder，andlooksstraightintomyeyesasshepartshercomelylips。 “True，“sherejoins——“But，dearfriend，itisalsotruethatgoodnessneverbargains。“ TogethersheandIseemtobedriftingtowardsavistawhichiscomingtolook，asitsloughstheshadowofnight，everclearerandclearer。Itisavistaofwhitehuts，silverytrees，aredchurch，anddew-bespangledearth。Andasthesunrisesherevealstousclustered，transparentcloudswhich，likethousandsofsnow-whitebirds，goglidingoverourheads。 “Yes，“shewhispersagainasgentlyshegivesmeanudge。“Asonepursuesone’slonelywayonethinksandthinks——butofwhat？Dearfriend，youhavesaidthatnoonereallycareswhatisthematter。Ah，HOWtruethatis！“ Hereshespringstoherfeet，and，pullingmeupwithher，gluesherselftomybreastwithavehemencewhichcausesmemomentarilytopushheraway。Uponthis，burstingintotears，shetendstowardsmeagain，andkissesmewithlipssodryasalmosttocutme——shekissesmeinawaywhichpenetratestomyverysoul。