第53章

Also，inthedarknessthehalf-slumberingseacouldbeheardsoughingasitcrepttowardstheshorewhileovertheskylayacanopyofmist，saveatthepointwherethemoon’sopal-likeblurcouldbedescriedoverthespotwherethatblur’scounterfeitimageglitteredandrockedonthesurfaceofthedarkwaters。 UnderthetreestherewassetabenchwhereonIcoulddiscerntheretoberestingahumanfigure。Approachingthefigure，I seatedmyselfbesideit。 “Whence，comrade？“wasmyinquiry。 “FromVoronezh。Andyou？“ ARussianisneveradversetotalkingabouthimself。Itwouldseemasthoughheisneversureofhispersonality，asthoughheiseveryearningtohavethatpersonalityconfirmedfromsomesourceotherthan，extraneousto，hisownego。ThereasonforthismustbethatweRussianslivediffusedoveralandofsuchvastnessthat，themorewegrasptheimmensityofthesame，thesmallerdowecometoappearinourowneyes；wherefore，traversing，aswedo，roadsofalengthofathousandversts，andconstantlylosingourway，wecometoletslipnoopportunityofrestatingourselves，andsettingforthallthatwehaveseenandthoughtanddone。 Hence，too，mustitbethatinconversationsoneseemstohearlessofthenoteof“IamI“thanofthenoteof“AmIreallyandtrulymyself？“ “Whatmaybeyourname？“nextIinquiredofthefigureonthebench。 “Anameofabsolutesimplicity——thenameofAlexeiKalinin。“ “Youareanamesakeofmine，then。“ “Indeed？Isthatso？“ Withwhich，tappingmeontheknee，thefigureadded: “Come，then，namesake。’Ihavemortar，andyouhavewater，sotogetherletuspaintthetown。’“ Murmuringamidthesilencecouldbeheardsmall，lightwavesthatwerenomorethanripples。Behindusthebusyclamourofthemonasteryhaddieddown，andevenKalinin’scheeryvoiceseemedsubduedbytheinfluenceofthenight——itseemedtohaveinitlessofthenoteofself-confidence。 “Mymotherwasawet-nurse，“hewentontovolunteer，andIheronlychild。WhenIwastwelveyearsofageIwas，owingtomyheight，convertedintoafootman。Ithappenedthus。Oneday，onGeneralStepan(mymother’sthenemployer)happeningtocatchsightofme，heexclaimed:’Evgenia，goandtellFedor’(theex-soldierwhowasthenservingtheGeneralasfootman)’thatheistoteachyoursontowaitattable！Theboyisatleasttallenoughforthework。’AndfornineyearsIservedtheGeneralinthiscapacity。Andthen，andthen——oh，THENIwasseizedwithanillness……Next，Iobtainedapostunderamerchantwhowasthenmayorofourtown，andstayedwithhimtwenty-onemonths。 AndnextIobtainedasituationinanhotelatKharkov，andhelditforayear。AndafterthatIkeptchangingmyplaces，for，steadyandsoberthoughIwas，Iwasbeginningtolacktasteformyprofession，andtodevelopaspiritofthekindwhichdeemedallworktobebeneathme，andconsideredthatIhadbeencreatedtoserveonlymyself，notothers。“ AlongthehighroadtoSukhumwhichlaybehindustherewereproceedingsomeinvisibletravellerswhosescrapingoffeetastheywalkedproclaimedthefactthattheywerenotover-usedtojourneyingonfoot。Justasthepartydrewlevelwithus，amusicalvoicehummedoutsoftlytheline“AlonewillIsetforthupontheroad，“withtheword“alone“plaintivelystressed。 Next，aresonantbassvoicesaidwithasortofindolentincisiveness: “Aphonoraphoniameanslossofspeechtotheextentof，totheextentof——oh，toWHATextent，mostlearnedVeraVasilievna？“ “Totheextentoftotallossofpowerofarticulation，“repliedavoicefeminineandyouthfuloftimbre。 Justatthatmomentwesawtwodark，blurredfigures，withapalerfigurebetweenthem，comeglidingintoview。 “Strangeindeedisitthat，that——“ “Thatwhat？“ “Thatsomanynamespropertothesepartsshouldalsobesosuggestive。Take，forinstance，MountNakopioba。Certainlyfolkhereaboutsseemtohave“amassed“things，andtohaveknownhowtodoso。“[Theverbnakopitmeanstoamass，toheapup。] “Formypart，IalwaysfailtorememberthenameofSimontheCanaanite。ConstantlyIfindmyselfcallinghim’theCainite。’“ “Lookhere，“interruptedthemusicalvoiceinatoneofchastenedenthusiasm。“AsIcontemplateallthisbeauty，andinhalethisrestfulness，Ifindmyselfreflecting:’HowwoulditbeifIweretoleteverythinggotothedevil，andtakeupmyabodehereforever？’“ Atthispointallfurtherspeechbecamedrownedbythesoundofthemonastery’sbellasitstruckthehour。Theonlyutterancethatcamebornetomyearswasthemournfulfragment: Oh，ifintoasinglewordIcouldpourmyinmostthoughts！ Totheforegoingdialoguemycompanionhadlistenedwithhisheadtiltedtooneside，muchasthoughthedialoguehaddeflecteditinthatdirection:andnow，asthevoicesdiedawayintothedistance，hesighed，straightenedhimself，andsaid: “Clearlythosepeoplewereeducatedfolk。Andseetoohow，astheytalkedofonethingandanother，therecroppeduptheoldandever-persistentpoint。“ “Towhatpointareyoureferring？“ Mycompanionpausedamomentbeforehereplied。Thenhesaid: “Canitbethatyoudidnothearit？Didyounothearoneofthosepeopleremark:’Ihaveamindtosurrendereverything’？“ Whereafter，bendingforward，andpeeringatmeasablindmanwoulddo，Kalininaddedinahalf-whisper: “Moreandmorearefolkcomingtothinktothemselves:’NowmustIforsakeeverything。’IntheendImyselfcametothinkit。FormanyayeardidIincreasinglyreflect:’WhyshouldIbeaservant？Whatwilliteverprofitme？EvenifIshouldearntwelve，ortwenty，orfiftyroublesamonth，towhatwillsuchearningslead，andwherewillthemaninmecomein？Surelyitwouldbebettertodonothingatall，butjusttogazeintospace(asIamdoingnow)，andletmyeyesstarestraightbeforeme？’“ “Bytheway，whatwereyoutalkingtothosepeopleabout？“ “Whichpeopledoyoumean？“ “Thebeardedmanandtherest，thecompanyintheguest-chamber？“ “Ah，THATmanIdidnotlike——Ihavenofancyatallforfellowswhostrewtheirgriefabouttheworld，andleaveittobetrampleduponbyeverychance-comer。Forhowcanthetearsofmyneighbourbenefitme？True，everymanhashistroubles；butalsohaseverymansuchapredilectionforhisparticularwoethatheendsbydeemingitthemostbitterandremarkablegriefintheuniverse——youmaytakemywordforthat。“ Suddenlythespeakerrosetohisfeet，atall，leanfigure。 “NowImustseekmybed，“heremarked。“Yousee，Ishallhavetoleavehereveryearlytomorrow。“ “Andforwhatpoint？“ “ForNovorossisk。“ Now，thedaybeingaSaturday，Ihaddrawnmyweek’searningsfromthemonastery’spay-officejustbeforethevigilservice。 Also，Novorossiskdidnotreallylieinmydirection。Thirdly，I hadnoparticularwishtoexchangethemonasteryforanyotherlodging。Nevertheless，despiteallthis，themaninterestedmetosuchanextent(ofpersonswhogenuinelyinterestonethereneverexistbuttwo，and，ofthem，oneselfisalwaysone)thatstraightwayIobserved: “Itooshallbeleavingheretomorrow。“ “Thenletustraveltogether。“ Atdawn，therefore，wesetforthtofoottheroadincompany。AttimesImentallysoaredaloft，andviewedthescenefromthatvantage-point。WheneverIdidso，Ibeheldtwotallmentraversinganarrowtrackbyaseashore——theonecladinagreymilitaryovercoatandahatwithabrokencrown，andtheotherinadrabkaftanandaplushcap。Attheirfeettheboundlessseawassplashingwhitefoam，salt-driedribandsofseaweedwerestrewingthepath，goldenleavesweredancinghitherandthither，andthewindwashowlingat，andbuffeting，thetravellersascloudssailedovertheirheads。Also，totheirrighttherelaystretchedachainofmountainstowardswhichthecloudskeptwearily，nervelesslytending，whiletotheirlefttherelayspreadawhite-lacedexpanseoverthesurfaceofwhicharoaringwindkeptceaselesslydrivingtransparentcolumnsofspray。 Onsuchstormydaysinautumneverythingnearaseashorelooksparticularlycheerfulandvigorous，seeingthat，despitethesoughingofwindandwave，andtheswiftonrushofcloud，andthefactthatthesunisonlyoccasionallytobeseensuspendedinabyssesofblue，andresemblesadroopingflower，onefeelsthattheapparentchaoshaslurkinginitasecretharmonyofmundane，butimperishable，forces——somuchsothatintimeevenone’spunyhumanheartcomestoimbibetheprevalentspiritofrevolt，and，catchingfire，tocrytoalltheuniverse:“Iloveyou！“