第38章

shillingpieceandtheseragsonmyback。WhatrespectableinnkeeperwouldtakeMEintohishouse？Iwalkedabout，wonderinghowIcouldfindmywayoutoftheworldwithoutdisfiguringmyself，andwithoutsufferingmuchpain。Youhavenoriverintheseparts。Ididn’tseemywayoutoftheworld，tillIheardyouringingatthedoctor’shouse。Igotaglimpseatthebottlesinthesurgery，whenheletyouin，andIthoughtofthelaudanumdirectly。Whatwereyoudoingthere？Whoisthatmedicinefor？ Yourwife？“ “Iamnotmarried！“ Shelaughedagain。“Notmarried！IfIwasalittlebetterdressedtheremightbeachanceforME。Wheredoyoulive？Here？“ Wehadarrived，bythistime，atmymother’sdoor。Sheheldoutherhandtosaygood-by。Houselessandhomelessasshewas，sheneveraskedmetogiveherashelterforthenight。ItwasMY proposalthatsheshouldrest，undermyroof，unknowntomymotherandmyaunt。Ourkitchenwasbuiltoutatthebackofthecottage: shemightremainthereunseenandunhearduntilthehouseholdwasastirinthemorning。Iledherintothekitchen，andsetachairforherbythedyingembersofthefire。IdaresayIwastoblame——shamefullytoblame，ifyoulike。IonlywonderwhatYOU wouldhavedoneinmyplace。Onyourwordofhonorasaman，wouldYOUhaveletthatbeautifulcreaturewanderbacktotheshelterofthestonequarrylikeastraydog？Godhelpthewomanwhoisfoolishenoughtotrustandloveyou，ifyouwouldhavedonethat！ Ileftherbythefire，andwenttomymother’sroom。 Ifyouhaveeverfelttheheartache，youwillknowwhatIsufferedinsecretwhenmymothertookmyhand，andsaid，“Iamsorry，Francis，thatyournight’sresthasbeendisturbedthroughME。“I gaveherthemedicine；andIwaitedbyhertillthepainsabated。 MyauntChancewentbacktoherbed；andmymotherandIwereleftalone。Inoticedthatherwriting-desk，movedfromitscustomaryplace，wasonthebedbyherside。Shesawmelookingatit。 “Thisisyourbirthday，Francis，“shesaid。“Haveyouanythingtotellme？“IhadsocompletelyforgottenmyDream，thatIhadnonotionofwhatwaspassinginhermindwhenshesaidthosewords。 Foramomenttherewasaguiltyfearinmethatshesuspectedsomething。Iturnedawaymyface，andsaid，“No，mother；Ihavenothingtotell。“Shesignedtometostoopdownoverthepillowandkissher。“Godblessyou，mylove！“shesaid；andmanyhappyreturnsoftheday。“Shepattedmyhand，andclosedherwearyeyes，and，littlebylittle，felloffpeaceablyintosleep。 Istoledownstairsagain。Ithinkthegoodinfluenceofmymothermusthavefollowedmedown。Atanyrate，thisistrue:Istoppedwithmyhandontheclosedkitchendoor，andsaidtomyself: “SupposeIleavethehouse，andleavethevillage，withoutseeingherorspeakingtohermore？“ ShouldIreallyhavefledfromtemptationinthisway，ifIhadbeenlefttomyselftodecide？Whocantell？Asthingswere，I wasnotlefttodecide。Whilemydoubtwasinmymind，sheheardme，andopenedthekitchendoor。Myeyesandhereyesmet。Thatendedit。 Weweretogether，unsuspectedandundisturbed，forthenexttwohours。Timeenoughforhertorevealthesecretofherwastedlife。Timeenoughforhertotakepossessionofmeasherown，todowithmeassheliked。Itisneedlesstodwellhereonthemisfortuneswhichhadbroughtherlow；theyaremisfortunestoocommontointerestanybody。 HernamewasAliciaWarlock。Shehadbeenbornandbredalady。 Shehadlostherstation，hercharacter，andherfriends。Virtueshudderedatthesightofher；andVicehadgotherfortherestofherdays。Shockingandcommon，asItoldyou。ItmadenodifferencetoME。Ihavesaiditalready——Isayitagain——Iwasamanbewitched。Isthereanythingsoverywonderfulinthat？JustrememberwhoIwas。Amongthehonestwomeninmyownstationinlife，wherecouldIhavefoundthelikeofHER？CouldTHEYwalkasshewalked？andlookasshelooked？WhenTHEYgavemeakiss，didtheirlipslingeroveritashersdid？HadTHEYherskin，herlaugh，herfoot，herhand，hertouch？SHEneverhadaspeckofdirtonher:Itellyouherfleshwasaperfume。Whensheembracedme，herarmsfoldedroundmelikethewingsofangels；andhersmilecoveredmesoftlywithitslightlikethesuninheaven。I leaveyoutolaughatme，ortocryoverme，justasyourtempermayincline。Iamnottryingtoexcusemyself——Iamtryingtoexplain。Youaregentle-folks；whatdazzledandmaddenedME，iseverydayexperiencetoYOU。Fallenornot，angelordevil，itcametothis——shewasalady；andIwasagroom。 Beforethehousewasastir，Igotheraway(bytheworkmen’strain) toalargemanufacturingtowninourparts。 Here——withmysavingsinmoneytohelpher——shecouldgetheroutfitofdecentclothesandherlodgingamongstrangerswhoaskednoquestionssolongastheywerepaid。Here——nowononepretenseandnowonanother——Icouldvisither，andwecouldbothplantogetherwhatourfuturelivesweretobe。IneednottellyouthatIstoodpledgedtomakehermywife。Amaninmystationalwaysmarriesawomanofhersort。 DoyouwonderifIwashappyatthistime？Ishouldhavebeenperfectlyhappybutforonelittledrawback。Itwasthis:Iwasneverquiteatmyeaseinthepresenceofmypromisedwife。 Idon’tmeanthatIwasshywithher，orsuspiciousofher，orashamedofher。TheuneasinessIamspeakingofwascausedbyafaintdoubtinmymindwhetherIhadnotseenhersomewhere，beforethemorningwhenwemetatthedoctor’shouse。Overandoveragain，Ifoundmyselfwonderingwhetherherfacedidnotremindmeofsomeotherface——whatotherInevercouldtell。Thisstrangefeeling，thisonequestionthatcouldneverbeanswered，vexedmetoadegreethatyouwouldhardlycredit。Itcamebetweenusatthestrangesttimes——oftenest，however，atnight，whenthecandleswerelit。Youhaveknownwhatitistotryandrememberaforgottenname——andtofail，searchasyoumay，tofinditinyourmind。Thatwasmycase。Ifailedtofindmylostface，justasyoufailedtofindyourlostname。 Inthreeweekswehadtalkedmattersover，andhadarrangedhowI wastomakeacleanbreastofitathome。ByAlicia’sadvice，I wastodescribeherashavingbeenoneofmyfellowservantsduringthetimeIwasemployedundermykindmasterandmistressinLondon。Therewasnofearnowofmymothertakinganyharmfromtheshockofagreatsurprise。Herhealthhadimprovedduringthethreeweeks’interval。Onthefirsteveningwhenshewasabletotakeheroldplaceatteatime，Isummonedmycourage，andtoldherIwasgoingtobemarried。Thepoorsoulflungherarmsroundmyneck，andburstoutcryingforjoy。“Oh，Francis！“shesays，“IamsogladyouwillhavesomebodytocomfortyouandcareforyouwhenIamgone！“AsformyauntChance，youcananticipatewhatSHE did，withoutbeingtold。Ah，me！Iftherehadreallybeenanypropheticvirtueinthecards，whataterriblewarningtheymighthavegivenusthatnight！ItwasarrangedthatIwastobringmypromisedwifetodinneratthecottageonthenextday。 IownIwasproudofAliciawhenIledherintoourlittleparlorattheappointedtime。Shehadnever，tomymind，lookedsobeautifulasshelookedthatday。Inevernoticedanyotherwoman’sdress——InoticedhersascarefullyasifIhadbeenawomanmyself！Sheworeablacksilkgown，withplaincollarandcuffs，andamodestlavender-coloredbonnet，withonewhiteroseinitplacedattheside。Mymother，dressedinherSundaybest，roseup，allinaflutter，towelcomeherdaughter-in-lawthatwastobe。Shewalkedforwardafewsteps，halfsmiling，halfintears—— shelookedAliciafullintheface——andsuddenlystoodstill。Hercheeksturnedwhiteinaninstant；hereyesstaredinhorror；herhandsdroppedhelplesslyathersides。Shestaggeredback，andfellintothearmsofmyaunt，standingbehindher。Itwasnoswoon——shekepthersenses。HereyesturnedslowlyfromAliciatome。“Francis，“shesaid，“doesthatwoman’sfaceremindyouofnothing？“ BeforeIcouldanswer，shepointedtoherwriting-deskonthetableatthefireside。“Bringit！“shecried，“bringit！“ AtthesamemomentIfeltAlicia’shandonmyshoulder，andsawAlicia’sfaceredwithanger——andnowonder！ “Whatdoesthismean？“sheasked。“Doesyourmotherwanttoinsultme？“ Isaidafewwordstoquiether；whattheywereIdon’tremember——I wassoconfusedandastonishedatthetime。BeforeIhaddone，I heardmymotherbehindme。 Myaunthadfetchedherdesk。Shehadopenedit；shehadtakenapaperfromit。Stepbystep，helpingherselfalongbythewall，shecamenearerandnearer，withthepaperinherhand。Shelookedatthepaper——shelookedinAlicia’sface——sheliftedthelong，loosesleeveofhergown，andexaminedherhandandarm。IsawfearsuddenlytaketheplaceofangerinAlicia’seyes。Sheshookherselffreeofmymother’sgrasp。“Mad！“shesaidtoherself，“andFrancisnevertoldme！“Withthosewordssheranoutoftheroom。 Iwashasteningoutafterher，whenmymothersignedtometostop。 Shereadthewordswrittenonthepaper。Whiletheyfellslowly，onebyone，fromherlips，shepointedtowardtheopendoor。 “Lightgrayeyes，withadroopinthelefteyelid。Flaxenhair，withagold-yellowstreakinit。Whitearms，withadownuponthem。Little，lady’shand，witharosy-redlookaboutthefingernails。TheDreamWoman，Francis！TheDreamWoman！“ Somethingdarkenedtheparlorwindowasthosewordswerespoken。I lookedsidelongattheshadow。AliciaWarlockhadcomeback！Shewaspeeringinatusoverthelowwindowblind。Therewasthefatalfacewhichhadfirstlookedatmeinthebedroomofthelonelyinn。There，restingonthewindowblind，wasthelovelylittlehandwhichhadheldthemurderousknife。IHADseenherbeforewemetinthevillage。TheDreamWoman！TheDreamWoman！ XI IexpectnobodytoapproveofwhatIhavenexttotellofmyself。 InthreeweeksfromthedaywhenmymotherhadidentifiedherwiththeWomanoftheDream，ItookAliciaWarlocktochurch，andmadehermywife。Iwasamanbewitched。AgainandagainIsayit——I wasamanbewitched！ Duringtheintervalbeforemymarriage，ourlittlehouseholdatthecottagewasbrokenup。Mymotherandmyauntquarreled。Mymother，believingintheDream，entreatedmetobreakoffmyengagement。Myaunt，believinginthecards，urgedmetomarry。 Thisdifferenceofopinionproducedadisputebetweenthem，inthecourseofwhichmyauntChance——quiteunconsciousofhavinganysuperstitiousfeelingsofherown——actuallysetoutthecardswhichprophesiedhappinesstomeinmymarriedlife，andaskedmymotherhowanybodybut“ablindedheathencouldbefuleenough，afterseeingthosecairds，tobelieveinadream！“Thiswas，naturally，toomuchformymother’spatience；hardwordsfollowedoneitherside；Mrs。ChancereturnedindudgeontoherfriendsinScotland。 Sheleftmeawrittenstatementofmyfutureprospects，asrevealedbythecards，andwithitanaddressatwhichapost-officeorderwouldreachher。“Thedaywasnotthatfaroff，“sheremarked，“whenFranciemightrememberwhatheowedtohisauntChance，maintainingherainunbleemishedwidowhoodonthrattypundsayear。“ Havingrefusedtogivehersanctiontomymarriage，mymotheralsorefusedtobepresentatthewedding，ortovisitAliciaafterwards。Therewasnoangeratthebottomofthisconductonherpart。BelievingasshedidinthisDream，shewassimplyinmortalfearofmywife。Iunderstoodthis，andImadeallowancesforher。Notacrosswordpassedbetweenus。Myonehappyremembrancenow——thoughIdiddisobeyherinthematterofmymarriage——isthis:Ilovedandrespectedmygoodmothertothelast。 Asformywife，sheexpressednoregretattheestrangementbetweenhermother-in-lawandherself。Bycommonconsent，weneverspokeonthatsubject。WesettledinthemanufacturingtownwhichIhavealreadymentioned，andwekeptalodging-house。Mykindmaster，atmyrequest，grantedmealumpsuminplaceofmyannuity。Thisputusintoagoodhouse，decentlyfurnished。Forawhilethingswentwellenough。Imaydescribemyselfatthistimeofmylifeasahappyman。 Mymisfortunesbeganwithareturnofthecomplaintwithwhichmymotherhadalreadysuffered。Thedoctorconfessed，whenIaskedhimthequestion，thattherewasdangertobedreadedthistime。 Naturally，afterhearingthis，Iwasagooddealawayatthecottage。Naturallyalso，Ileftthebusinessoflookingafterthehouse，inmyabsence，tomywife。Littlebylittle，Ifoundherbeginningtoaltertowardme。Whilemybackwasturned，sheformedacquaintanceswithpeopleofthedoubtfulanddissipatedsort。Oneday，Iobservedsomethinginhermannerwhichforcedthesuspiciononmethatshehadbeendrinking。Beforetheweekwasout，mysuspicionwasacertainty。Fromkeepingcompanywithdrunkards，shehadgrowntobeadrunkardherself。