第47章

NowIamnotwithoutsomeknowledgeoftheworldoutsidethecloseofMarchburyCathedral，andIcouldnotlistentosucha“flatteringtale“withouthavingmysuspicionsaroused。Whoandwhatisthisman？thoughtI。Ilookedathimnarrowly。Atfirstthethoughtflashedacrossmethathemightbea“swellmobsman。“ Butno，hisfacewastoogoodforthat；besides，nomanwiththathugeframe，thatpersonalitysomarkedandsoeasilyrecognizable，couldbeaswindler；hecouldnotescapedetectionasinglehour。 Idismissedtheungenerousthought。Perhapsheisrich，ashesays。Wedohearofmunificentdonationsbybenevolentmillionairesnowandthen。WhatifthisAustralian，attractedbythegloriesoftheoldcathedral，shouldnowappearasadeusexmachinatoreendowthechoir，ortofoundamusicalprofessoriateinconnectionwiththechoir，appointingmethefirstoccupantoftheprofessorialchair？ Thesethoughtsflashedacrossmymindinthemomentarypauseofhisfluenttongue。 “Asforyourself，sir，“hebeganagain，“IhavesomethingtoproposewhichItrustmaynotproveunwelcome。Butthepublicstreetishardlyasuitableplacetodiscussmyproposal。MayI calluponyouthiseveningatyourhouseintheclose？Iknowwhichitis，forIhappenedtoseeyougointoityesterdayafterthemorningservice。“ “Ishallbeverypleasedtoseeyou，“Ireplied。“Wearegoingouttodinnerthisevening，butIshallbeathomeanddisengagedtillaboutseven。“ “Thankyouverymuch。ThenIshalldomyselfthepleasureofcallinguponyouaboutsixo’clock。Tillthen，farewell！“A gracefulwaveofthehand，andmyunknownfriendhaddisappearedroundthecornerofthestreet。 Nowatlast，Ithought，somethingisgoingtohappeninmyuneventfullife——somethingtobreakthemonotonyofexistence。Ofcourse，hemusthaveinquiredmyname——hecouldgetthatfromanyofthecathedralvergers——and，ashesaid，hehadobservedwhereaboutsinthecloseIlived。Whatishecomingtoseemefor？ Iwondered。Ispenttherestoftheafternooninmakingthewildestsurmises。Iwascastle-buildinginSpainatafuriousrate。AtonetimeIimaginedthatthisfaithfulsonofthechurch—— asheappearedtome——wasgoingtobuildandendowagrandcathedralinAustraliaonconditionthatIshouldbeappointeddeanatayearlystipendof，say，tenthousandpounds。Orperhaps，I saidtomyself，hewillbegmetoacceptasumofmoney——Ineverthoughtofitaslessthanathousandpounds——asaslightrecognitionofandtributetomyremarkablevocalability。 Itookalong，lonelywalkintothecountrytocorrecttheseridiculousfanciesandtosteadymymind，andwhenIreachedhomeandhadrefreshedmyselfwithaquietcupofafternoontea，IfeltIwasmorallyandphysicallypreparedformyinterviewwiththeopulentstranger。 Punctuallyasthecathedralclockstrucksixtherewasaringatthevisitor’sbell。Inamomentortwomyunknownfriendwasshownintothedrawing-room，whichheenteredwiththeeasyairofamanoftheworld。Inoticedhewascarryingasmallblackbag。 “Howdoyoudoagain，Mr。Dale？“hesaidasthoughwewereoldacquaintances；“youseeIhavecomesharptomytime。“ “Yes，“Ianswered，“andIampleasedtoseeyou；dositdown。“Hesankintomybestarmchair，andplacedhisbagonthefloorbesidehim。 “Sincewemetintheafternoon，“hesaid，“Ihavewrittenalettertoyourdean，expressingthegreatpleasureIfeltinlisteningtoyourchoir，andatthesametimeIinclosedafive-poundnote，whichIbeggedhimtodivideamongthechoirboysandmen，fromAlexanderPoulter，Esq。，ofPoulter’sPills。Youhaveofcourseheardoftheworld-renownedPoulter’sPills。IamPoulter！“ PoulterofPoulter’sPills！Myheartsankwithinme！Afive-poundnote！Myairycastlesweretottering！ “Ialsosenthimacoupleofhundredofmypamphlets，whichIsaidItrustedhewouldbesokindastodistributeintheclose。“ Iwasaghast！ “Andnow，withregardtothespecialobjectofmycall，Mr。Dale。 Ifyouwillallowmetosayso，youarenotmakingthemostofthatgrandvoiceofyours；youarehiddenunderanecclesiasticalbushelhere——losttotheworld。Youarewastingyourvocalstrengthandsweetnessonthedesertair，sotospeak。Why，ifImayhazardaguess，Idon’tsupposeyoumakefivehundredayearhere，attheoutside？ Icouldsaynothing。 “Well，now，Icanputyouintothewayofmakingatleastthreeorfourtimesasmuchasthat。Listen！IamAlexanderPoulter，ofPoulter’sPills。Ihaveaproposaltomaketoyou。Theschemeisboundtosucceed，butIwantyourhelp。Acceptmyproposalandyourfortune’smade。DidyoueverhearMoodyandSankey？“heaskedabruptly。 Themanisanidiot，thoughtI；heisnowfairlycarriedawaywithhisparticularmania。Willitlastlong？ShallIring？ “Novelty，mydearsir，“hewenton，“istheruleoftheday；andtheremustbenoveltyinadvertising，asineverythingelse，tocatchthepublicinterest。SoIintendtogoonatour，lecturingonthemeritsofPoulter’sPillsinalltheprincipalhallsofalltheprincipaltownsallovertheworld。ButIhavebeendelayedincarryingoutmyideatillIcouldassociatemyselfwithagentlemansuchasyourself。Willyoujoinme？IshouldbetheMoodyofthetour；youwouldbeitsSankey。Iwouldspeakmypatter，andyouwouldinterspersemyorationswithmelodiousballadsbearinguponthevirtuesofPoulter’sPills。Theballadsareallready！“ Sosaying，heopenedthatbaganddrewforthfromitsrecessesnothingmorealarmingthanathickrollofmanuscriptmusic。 “Theversesaremyown，“hesaid，withalittletouchofpride； “andasforthemusic，Ithoughtitbettertomakeuseofpopularmelodies，soastoenableanaudiencetojoininthechorus。See，hereisoneoftheballads:’Darling，Iambetternow。’Itdescribesthewoesofafondlover，orratherhisphysicalailments，untilhewentthroughacourseofPoulter。Here’sanother:’I’mninety-five！I’mninety-five！’Youcatchthedriftofthat，ofcourse——ahealthyoldage，securedbytakingPoulter’sPills。Ah！what’sthis？’Littlesister’slastrequest。’IfancytheideaofthatistobegthefamilynevertobewithoutPoulter’sPills。Hereagain:’Thenyou’llrememberme！’I’mafraidthattitleisnotoriginal；nevermind，thesongis。Andhereis——buttherearemanymore，andIwon’tdetainyouwiththemnow。“Hesaw，perhaps，Iwasgettingimpatient。ThankHeaven，however，hewasnoescapedlunatic。Iwassafe！ “Mr。Poulter，“saidI，“Itookyouthisafternoonforadisinterestedandphilanthropicmillionaire；youtakemefor——for—— somethingdifferentfromwhatIam。Wehavebothmademistakes。 Inaword，itisimpossibleformetoacceptyouroffer！“ “Isthatfinal？“askedPoulter。 “Certainly，“saidI。 Poultergatheredhismanuscriptstogetherandreplacedtheminthebag，andgotuptoleavetheroom。 “Goodevening，Mr。Dale，“hesaidmournfully，asIopenedthedooroftheroom。“Goodevening“——hekeptontalkingtillhewasfairlyoutofthehouse——“markmywords，you’llbesorry——verysorry——onedaythatyoudidnotfallinwithmyscheme。Offerslikeminedon’tcomeeveryday，andyouwillonedayregrethavingrefusedit。“ Withthesewordsheleftthehouse。 Ihadlittleappetiteformydinnerthatevening。 ThePipe“RANDOLPHCRESCENT，N。W。 MYDEARPUGH——IhopeyouwilllikethepipewhichIsendwiththis。 ItisratheracuriousexampleofacertainschoolofIndiancarving。Andisapresentfrom“Yourstruly，JOSEPHTRESS。“ ItwasreallyveryhandsomeofTress——veryhandsome！ThemoreespeciallyasIwasawarethattogivepresentswasnotexactlyinTress’sline。ThetruthisthatwhenIsawwhatmannerofpipeitwasIwasamazed。Itwascontainedinasandalwoodbox，whichwasitselfillustratedwithsomeremarkablespecimensofcarving。I usetheword“remarkable“advisedly，because，althoughtheworkmanshipwasundoubtedly，initsway，artistic，theresultcouldnotbedescribedasbeautiful。ThecarverhadthoughtpropertoornamenttheboxwithsomeoftheugliestfiguresIremembertohaveseen。Theyappearedtometobedevils。Orperhapstheywereintendedtorepresentdeitiesappertainingtosomemythologicalsystemwithwhich，thankgoodness，Iamunacquainted。Thepipeitselfwasworthyofthecaseinwhichitwascontained。Itwasofmeerschaum，withanambermouthpiece。Itwasrathertoolargeforordinarysmoking。Butthen，ofcourse，onedoesn’tsmokeapipelikethat。TherearepipesinmycollectionwhichIshouldassoonthinkofsmokingasIshouldofeating。AskachinamaniactoletyouhaveafternoonteaoutofhisOldChelsea，andyouwilllearnsomehometruthsastothedurabilityofhumanfriendships。Thegloryofthepipe，asTresshadsuggested，layinitscarving。NotthatIclaimthatitwasbeautiful，anymorethanImakesuchaclaimforthecarvingonthebox，but，asTresssaidinhisnote，itwascurious。 Thestemandthebowlwerequiteplain，butontheedgeofthebowlwasperchedsomekindoflizard。ItoldmyselfitwasanoctopuswhenIfirstsawit，butIhavesincehadreasontobelievethatitwassomealmostuniquememberofthelizardtribe。Thecreaturewasrepresentedasclimbingovertheedgeofthebowldowntowardthestem，anditslegs，orfeelers，ortentacula，orwhateverthethingsarecalled，were，ifImayuseavulgarism，sprawlingabout“allovertheplace。“Forinstance，twoorthreeofthemweretwinedaboutthebowl，twoorthreeofthemweretwistedroundthestem，andone，aparticularlyhorribleone，wasupliftedintheair，sothatifyouputthepipeinyourmouththethingwaspointingstraightatyournose。 Nottheleastagreeablefeatureaboutthecreaturewasthatitwashideouslylifelike。Itappearedtohavebeencarvedinamber，butsomecoloringmattermusthavebeenintroduced，forinsidetheamberthecreaturewasofapeculiarlyghastlygreen。ThemoreI examinedthepipethemoreamazedIwasatTress’sgenerosity。HeandIarerivalcollectors。Iamnotgoingtosay，insomanywords，thathiscollectionofpipescontainsnothingbutrubbish，because，asamatteroffact，hehastwoorthreeratherdecentspecimens。Buttocomparehiscollectiontominewouldbeabsurd。 Tressisconsciousofthis，andheresentsit。Heresentsittosuchanextentthathehasbeenknown，atleastononeoccasion，todeclarethatonesinglepipeofhis——IbelievehealludedtotheBrummagemrelicpreposterouslyattributedtoSirWalterRaleigh—— wasworththewholeofmycollectionputtogether。AlthoughIhaveforgottenthis，asIhopeIalwaysshallforgiveremarksmadewhenenviouspassionsgetthebetterofournoblernature，evenofaJosephTress，itisnottobesupposedthatIhaveforgottenit。 Hewas，therefore，notatallthesortofpersonfromwhomI expectedtoreceiveapresent。Andsuchapresent！Idonotbelievethathehimselfhadafinerpipeinhiscollection。Andtohavegivenittome！Ihadmisjudgedtheman。Iwonderedwherehehadgotitfrom。Ihadseenhispipes；Iknewthemoffbyheart—— andsomenicetrumperyhehasamongthem，too！butIhadneverseenTHATpipebefore。ThemoreIlookedatit，themoremyamazementgrew。Thebeastperchedupontheedgeofthebowlwassolifelike。 Itstwobead-likeeyesseemedtogleamatmewithpositivelyhumanintelligence。ThepipefascinatedmetosuchanextentthatI actuallyresolvedto——smokeit！ IfilleditwithPerique。OrdinarilyIuseBirdseye，butonthoseveryrareoccasionsonwhichIuseaspecimenIsmokePerique。I litupwithquiteasmallsensationofexcitement。AsIdidsoI keptmyeyesperforcefixeduponthebeast。Thebeastpointeditsupraisedtentacledirectlyatme。AsIinhaledthepungenttobaccothattentacleimpressedmewithafeelingofactualuncanniness。 Itwasbroaddaylight，andIwassmokinginfrontofthewindow，yettosuchanextentwasIaffectedthatitseemedtomethatthetentaclewasnotonlyvibrating，which，owingtothepeculiarityofitsposition，wasquitewithintherangeofprobability，butactuallymoving，elongating——stretchingforward，thatis，farthertowardme，andtowardthetipofmynose。SoimpressedwasIbythisideathatItookthepipeoutofmymouthandminutelyexaminedthebeast。Really，thedelusionwasexcusable。Socunninglyhadtheartistwroughtthathesucceededinproducingacreaturewhich，suchwasitsuncanniness，Icouldonlyhopehadnooriginalinnature。 ReplacingthepipebetweenmylipsItookseveralwhiffs。Neverhadsmokinghadsuchaneffectonmebefore。Eitherthepipe，orthecreatureonit，exercisedsomesingularfascination。Iseemed，withoutaninstant’swarning，tobepassingintosomelandofdreams。Isawthebeast，whichwaspercheduponthebowl，writheandtwist。Isawitliftitselfbodilyfromthemeerschaum。