Billylookednow，notforwhatshewanted，butforwhatshecouldfind。Andshefound：somecoldroastlamb，atwhichsheturneduphernose；
anuncookedbeefsteak，whichsheappropriateddoubtfully；arawturnipandaheadoflettuce，whichshehailedwithglee；andsomebeets，potatoes，onions，andgrapefruit，fromallofwhichshetookageneroussupply。Thusladenshewentbacktothekitchen。
Spreaduponthetabletheymadeabraveshow。
Oh，well，I’llhavequiteadinner，afterall，’
shetriumphed，cockingherheadhappily。Andnowforthedessert，’shefinished，pouncingonthecookbook。
Itwaswhileshewasturningtheleavestofindthepiesandpuddingsthatsheranacrossthevegetablesandfoundthewordbeets’staringherintheface。Mechanicallyshereadthelinebelow。
Winterbeetswillrequirethreehourstocook。
Usehotwater。’
Billy’sstartledeyessoughttheclock。
Threehours——anditwasfive，now!
Frenziedly，then，sheranherfingerdownthepage。
Onions，oneandone-halfhours。Usehotwater。Turnipsrequirealongtime，butifcutthintheywillcookinanhourandaquarter。’
Anhourandaquarter，indeed!’shemoaned。
Isn’tthereanythinganywherethatdoesn’ttakeforevertocook？’
Earlypeas……greencorn……summersquash……’mumbledBilly’sdrylips。
ButwhatdofolkseatinJanuary——_January_？’
Itwastheapparentlyinoffensivesentence，Newpotatoeswillboilinthirtyminutes，’
thatbroughtfreshterrortoBilly’ssoul，andsethertoflutteringthecookbookleaveswithrenewedhaste。Ifittook_new_potatoesthirtyminutestocook，howlongdidittakeoldones？Invainshesearchedfortheanswer。Therewereplentyofpotatoes。Theyweremashed，whipped，scalloped，creamed，fried，andbroiled；theyweremadeintopuffs，croquettes，potatoborder，andpotatosnow。Formanyofthesetheywereboiledfirst——untiltender，’onerulesaid。
Butthatdoesn’ttellmehowlongittakestoget’emtender，’fumedBilly，despairingly。I
supposetheythinkanybodyoughttoknowthat——butIdon’t!’Suddenlyhereyesfelloncemoreontheinstructionsforboilingturnips，andherfacecleared。Ifithelpstocutturnipsthin，whynotpotatoes？’shecried。I_can_dothat，anyhow；andIwill，’shefinished，withasighofrelief，asshecaughtuphalfadozenpotatoesandhurriedintothepantryforaknife。Afewminuteslater，thepotatoes，peeled，andcutalmosttowaferthinness，weredumpedintoabasinofcoldwater。
There!nowIguessyou’llcook，’noddedBillytothedishinherhandasshehurriedtothestove。
Chilledbyanominousunresponsiveness，Billyliftedthestovelidandpeeredinside。Onlyamassofblackandgrayingcoalsgreetedher。Thefirewasout。
Tothinkthatevenyouhadtogobackonmelikethis!’upbraidedBilly，eyeingthedismalmasswithreproachfulgaze。
Thisdisaster，however，asBillyknew，wasnotsogreatasitseemed，fortherewasstillthegasstove。Intheolddays，underDongLing’srule，therehadbeennogasstove。DongLingdisapprovedofdevilstoves’thathadnocoalee，nowoodee，butburnedlikehellee。’Eliza，however，didapproveofthem；andnotlongafterherarrival，afineonehadbeenputinforheruse。SonowBillysoonhadherpotatoeswithabriskblazeunderthem。
Infranticearnest，then，Billywenttowork。
Brushingthediscardedonions，turnip，andbeetsintoapailunderthetable，shewasstillconfrontedwiththebeefsteak，lettuce，andgrapefruit。
Allbutthebeefsteakshepushedtoonesidewithgentlepats。
You’reallright，’shenoddedtothem。I
canuseyou。Youdon’thavetobecooked，blessyourhearts!But_you_——!’BillyscowledatthebeefsteakandranherfingerdowntheindexoftheBride’sHelper’——Billyknewhowtohandlethatbooknow。
No，youdon’t——notforme!’shemuttered，afteraminute，shakingherfingeratthetenderloinonthetable。Ihaven’tgotany`hotcoals，’andIthoughta`gridiron’waswheretheyplayedfootball；thoughitseemsit’ssomesortofadishtocookyouin，here——butIshouldn’tknowitfromateaspoon，probably，ifIshouldseeit。No，sir!It’sbacktotherefrigeratorforyou，andanicecoldsensibleroastlegoflambforme，thatdoesn’thavetobecooked。Understand？
_Cooked_，’shefinished，asshecarriedthebeefsteakawayandtookpossessionofthehithertodespisedcoldlamb。
OncemoreBillymadeamadsearchthroughcupboardsandshelves。Thistimesheborebackintriumphacanofcorn，anotheroftomatoes，andaglassjarofpreservedpeaches。Inthekitchenacheerybubblingfromthepotatoesonthestovegreetedher。Billy’sspiritsrosewiththesteam。
There，Spunkie，’shesaidgaylytothecat，whohadjustuncurledfromanapbehindthestove。TellmeIcan’tgetupadinner!Andmaybewe’llhavethepeachfritters，too，shechirped。I’vegotthepeach-part，anyway。’
ButBillydidnothavethepeachfritters，afterall。Shegotoutthesugarandtheflour，tobesure，andshemadeagreatadolookinguptherule；butahurriedglanceattheclocksentherintothedining-roomtosetthetable，andallthoughtofthepeachfritterswasgivenup。
AtfiveminutesofsixBertramandCalderwellcame。Bertramgavehispeculiarringandlethimselfinwithhislatchkey；butBillydidnotmeethiminthehall，norinthedrawing-room。
Excusinghimself，Bertramhurriedup-stairs。
Billywasnotinherroom，noranywhereonthatfloor。ShewasnotinWilliam’sroom。Comingdown-stairstothehallagain，BertramconfrontedWilliam，whohadjustcomein。
Where’sBilly？’demandedtheyounghusband，withjustatouchofirritation，asifhesuspectedWilliamofhavingBillyinhispocket。
Williamstaredslightly。
Why，Idon’tknow。Isn’tshehere？’
I’llaskPete，’frownedBertram。
Inthedining-roomBertramfoundnoone，thoughthetablewasprettilyset，andshowedhalfagrapefruitateachplace。Inthekitchen——inthekitchenBertramfoundadinofrattlingtin，anodorofburnedfood——，aconfusionofscatteredpotsandpans，afrightenedcatwhopeeredathimfromunderalitteredstove，andaflushed，disheveledyoungwomaninabluedust-capandruffledapron，whomhefinallyrecognizedashiswife。
Why，Billy!’hegasped。
Billy，whowasstrugglingwithsomethingatthesink，turnedsharply。
BertramHenshaw，’shepanted，Iusedtothinkyouwerewonderfulbecauseyoucouldpaintapicture。IevenusedtothinkIwasalittlewonderfulbecauseIcouldwriteasong。
Well，Idon’tanymore!ButI’lltellyouwho_is_
wonderful。It’sElizaandRosa，andalltherestofthosewomenwhocangetamealontothetableallatonce，soit’sfittoeat!’
Why，Billy!’gaspedBertramagain，fallingbacktothedoorhehadclosedbehindhim。
Whatintheworlddoesthismean？’
Mean？ItmeansI’mgettingdinner，’chokedBilly。Can’tyousee？’
But——Pete!Eliza!’
They’resick——Imeanhe’ssick；andIsaidI’ddoit。I’dbeanoak。ButhowdidIknowtherewasn’tanythinginthehouseexceptstuffthattookhourstocook——onlypotatoes？AndhowdidIknowthat_they_cookedinnotime，andthengotallsmushyandwetstayinginthewater？
AndhowdidIknowthateverythingelsewouldstickonandburnontillyou’dusedeverydishtherewasinthehousetocook’emin？’
Why，Billy!’gaspedBertram，forthethirdtime。Andthen，becausehehadbeenmarriedonlysixmonthsinsteadofsixyears，hemadethemistakeoftryingtoarguewithawomanwhosenerveswerealreadyatthesnappingpoint。
But，dear，itwassofoolishofyoutodoallthis!
Whydidn’tyoutelephone？Whydidn’tyougetsomebody？’
Likeaniratelittletigress，Billyturnedatbay。
BertramHenshaw，’sheflamedangrily，ifyoudon’tgoup-stairsandtendtothatmanupthere，Ishall_scream_。Nowgo!I’llbeupwhenI
can。’
AndBertramwent。
Itwasnotsoverylong，afterall，beforeBillycameintogreetherguest。Shewasnotstatelyandimposinginroyallysumptuousbluevelvetandermine；noryetwasshecozyandhomyinbronze-goldcrpedeChineandswan’s-down。
Shewasjustherselfinaprettylittlemorninghousegownofbluegingham。Shewasminusthedust-capandtheruffledapron，butshehadadabofflourontheleftcheek，andasmutchofcrockonherforehead。Shehad，too，acutfingeronherrighthand，andaburnedthumbonherleft。ButshewasBilly——andbeingBilly，sheadvancedwithabrightsmileandheldoutacordialhand——
notevenwincingwhenthecutfingercameunderCalderwell’sheartyclasp。
I’mgladtoseeyou，’shewelcomedhim。
You’llexcusemynotappearingsooner，I’msure，for——didn’tBertramtellyou？——I’mplayingBridgetto-night。Butdinnerisreadynow，andwe’llgodown，please，’shesmiled，asshelaidalighthandonherguest’sarm。
Behindher，Bertram，rememberingthesceneinthekitchen，staredinsheeramazement。Bertram，itmightbementionedagain，hadbeenmarriedsixmonths，notsixyears。
WhatBillyhadintendedtoserveforasimpledinner’thatnightwas：grapefruitwithcherries，oysterstew，boiledhalibutwitheggsauce，chickenpie，squash，onions，andpotatoes，peachfritters，alettuceandstuff’salad，andsomenewpieorpudding。Whatshedidservewas：grapefruit(withoutthecherries)，coldroastlamb，potatoes(amushofsogginess)，tomatoes(canned，andslightlyburned)，corn(canned，andverymuchburned)，lettuce(plain)；andfordessert，preservedpeachesandcake(thelatterratherdryandstale)。SuchwasBilly’sdinner。
Thegrapefruiteverybodyate。Thecoldlambtoo，metwithaheartyreception，especiallyafterthepotatoes，corn，andtomatoeswereserved——
andtasted。Outwardly，throughitall，Billywasgayetyitself。Inwardlyshewasburningupwithangerandmortification。Andbecauseshewasallthis，therewas，apparently，nolimittoherlaughterandsparklingreparteeasshetalkedwithCalderwell，herguest——theguestwho，accordingtoheroriginalplans，wastobeshownhowhappysheandBertramwere，whatagoodwifeshemade，andhowdevotedand_satisfied_Bertramwasinhishome。
William，pickingathisdinner——asonlyahungrymancanpickatadinnerthatisuneatable——
watchedBillywithapuzzled，uneasyfrown。Bertram，chokingoverthefewmouthfulsheate，markedhiswife’sanimatedfaceandCalderwell’sabsorbedattention，andsettledintogloomysilence。
Butitcouldnotcontinueforever。Thepreservedpeacheswereeatenatlast，andthestalecakeleft。(Billyhadforgottenthecoffee——
whichwasjustaswell，perhaps。)Thenthefourtrailedup-stairstothedrawing-room。
Atnineo’clockananxiousElizaandaremorseful，apologeticPetecamehomeanddescendedtothehorrortheonceorderlykitchenanddining-
roomhadbecome。Atten，Calderwell，withveryevidentreluctance，torehimselfawayfromBilly’sgaybadinage，andsaidgoodnight。Attwominutespastten，anexhausted，nerve-rackedBillywastryingtocryontheshouldersofbothUncleWilliamandBertramatonce。
There，there，child，don’t!Itwentoffallright，’pattedUncleWilliam。
Billy，darling，’pleadedBertram，pleasedon’tcryso!AsifI’deverletyoustepfootinthatkitchenagain!’
AtthisBillyraisedatear-wetface，aflamewithindignantdetermination。
AsifI’deverletyoukeepme_from_it，BertramHenshaw，afterthis!’shecontested。I’mnotgoingtodoanotherthinginallmylifebut_cook!_WhenIthinkofthestuffwehadtoeat，afterallthetimeItooktogetit，I’msimplycrazy!
DoyouthinkI’druntheriskofsuchathingasthiseverhappeningagain？’
