TheBishop’sgiftspreadsquicklyround；
InPETER’Sleft—offclothestheybound（Histhree—and—twentysuitstheyfoundInfairconditionstill）。
TheBishop’seyeswithwaterfill，QuiteoverjoyedtofindthemstillObedienttohissovereignwill，Andsaid，\"GoodRum—ti—Foo!
Half—wayI’llmeetyou，Ideclare：
I’lldressmyselfincowriesrare，Andfastenfeathersinmyhair，Anddancethe’Cutch—chi—boo!’\"（13）
AndtoconciliatehisSeeHemarriedPICCADILLILLEE，Theyoungestofhistwenty—three，Tall—neitherfatnorthin。
（AndthoughthedresshemadeherdonLooksawkwardlyagirlupon，ItwasagreatimprovementonTheonehefoundherin。）
TheBishopinhisgaycanoe（Hiswife，ofcourse，wentwithhimtoo）
Tosomeadjacentislandflew，Tospendhishoneymoon。
SomedayinsunnyRum—ti—FooAlittlePETER’llbeonview；
Andthat（ifpeopletellmetrue）
Isliketohappensoon。
Ballad：THEHAUGHTYACTOR。
ANactor—GIBBS，ofDruryLane—
Ofverydecentstation，OncehappenedinaparttogainExcessiveapprobation：
Itsometimesturnsafellow’sbrainAndmakeshimsingularlyvainWhenhebelievesthathereceivesTremendousapprobation。
Hisgreatsuccesshalfdrovehimmad，Butnooneseemedtomindhim；
Well，inanotherpiecehehadAnotherpartassignedhim。
Thispartwassmaller，byabit，Thanthatinwhichhemadeahit。
So，muchill—used，hestraightrefusedToplaythepartassignedhim。
********
THATNIGHTTHATACTORSLEPT，ANDI’LLATTEMPT
TOTELLYOUOFTHEVIVIDDREAMHEDREAMT。
THEDREAM。
Infightingwitharobberband（Athinghelovedsincerely）
AswordstruckGIBBSuponthehand，Andwoundeditseverely。
Atfirsthedidn’theeditmuch，Hethoughtitwasasimpletouch，Butsoonhefoundtheweapon’sboundHadwoundedhimseverely。
ToSurgeonCOBBhemadeatrip，Who’djusteffectedfeatlyAnamputationatthehipParticularlyneatly。
ArisingmanwasSurgeonCOBB
ButthisextremelyticklishjobHehadachieved（ashebelieved）
Particularlyneatly。
Theactorrangthesurgeon’sbell。
\"Observemywoundedfinger，Begoodenoughtostrapitwell，Andpritheedonotlinger。
ThatI，dearsir，mayfillagainTheTheatreRoyalDruryLane：
ThisverynightIhavetofight—
Sopritheedonotlinger。\"
\"Idon’tstrapfingersupfordoles，\"
Repliedthehaughtysurgeon；
\"Touseyourcant，Idon’tplayROLES
Utilitythatvergeon。
Firstamputation—nothingless—
Thatismylineofbusiness：
WesurgeonnobsdespisealljobsUtilitythatvergeon\"Wheninyourhiptherelurksdisease\"
（Sodreamtthislivelydreamer），\"OrdevastatingCARIES
InHUMERUSorFEMUR，Ifyoucanpayahandsomefee，Oh，thenyoumayrememberme—
WithjoyelateI’llamputateYourHUMERUSorFEMUR。\"
ThedisconcertedactorceasedThehaughtyleechtopester，Butwhenthewoundinsizeincreased，Andthenbegantofester，HesoughtalearnedCounsel’slair，AndtoldthatCounsel，thenandthere，HowCOBB’SneglectofhisdefectHadmadehisfingerfester。
\"Oh，bringmyaction，ifyouplease，ThecaseIprayyouurgeon，AndwinmethumpingdamagesFromCOBB，thathaughtysurgeon。
HeculpablyneglectedmeAlthoughIprofferedhimhisfee，Sopraycomedown，inwigandgown，OnCOBB，thathaughtysurgeon!\"
ThatCounsellearnedinthelaws，Withpassionalmosttrembled。
HejusthadgainedamightycauseBeforethePeersassembled!
Saidhe，\"HowdareyouhavethefaceTocomewithCommonJurycaseToonewhowingsrhetoricflingsBeforethePeersassembled？\"
Dispiritedbecameourfriend—
Depressedhismoralpecker—
\"Butstay!athought!—I’llgainmyend，Andsavemypoorexchequer。
Iwon’tbeplacedupontheshelf，I’lltakeitintoCourtmyself，AndlegalloredisplaybeforeTheCourtoftheExchequer。\"
HefoundaBaron—oneofthoseWhowithourlawssupplyus—
Inwigandsilkengownandhose，AsifatNISIPRIUS。
Buthe’djustgiven，offthereel，AfamousjudgmentonAppeal：
ItscarcebecamehisheightenedfameTositatNISIPRIUS。
Ourfriendbegan，witheasywit，Thathalfconcealedhisterror：
\"Pooh!\"saidtheJudge，\"IonlysitInBANCOorinError。
Canyousuppose，myman，thatI’dO’erNISIPRIUSCourtspreside，OrcondescendmytimetospendOnanythingbutError？\"
\"Toobad，\"saidGIBBS，\"mycasetoshirk!
Youmustbebadinnately，TosaveyourskillformightyworkBecauseit’svaluedgreatly!\"
Butherehewoke，withsuddenstart。
********
Hewrotetosayhe’dplaythepart。
I’vebuttotellheplayeditwell—
Theauthor’swords—hisnativewitCombined，achievedaperfect\"hit\"—
Thepaperspraisedhimgreatly。
Ballad：THETWOMAJORS。
ANexcellentsoldierwho’sworthythenameLovesofficersdashingandstrict：
Whengood，he’scontentwithescapingallblame，Whennaughty，helikestobelicked。
Helikesforafaulttobebulliedandstormed，Orimprisonedforseveraldays，Andhates，foradutycorrectlyperformed，Tobeslaveredwithsickeningpraise。
NoofficersickenedwithpraiseshisCORPS
SolittleasMAJORLAGUERRE—
NoofficersworeathiswarriorsmoreThanMAJORMAKREDIPREPERE。
Theirsoldiersadoredthem，andeverygradeDelightedtoheartheirabuse；
ThoughwhenevertheseofficerscameonparadeTheyshiveredandshookintheirshoes。
For，oh!ifLAGUERREcouldallpraiseswithhold，Why，socouldMAKREDIPREPERE，And，oh!ifMAKREDIcouldblusterandscold，Why，socouldthemightyLAGUERRE。
\"Nodoubtwedeserveit—nomercywecrave—
Goon—you’reconferringaboon；
Wewouldratherbeslangedbyawarriorbrave，Thanpraisedbyawretchedpoltroon!\"
MAKREDIwouldsaythatinbattle’sfiercerageTruehappinessonlywasmet：
PoorMAJORMAKREDI，thoughfiftyhisage，Hadneverknownhappinessyet!
LAGUERREwoulddeclare，\"WiththebloodofafoeNotippleisworthytoclink。\"
Poorfellow!hehadn’t，thoughsixtyorso，Yettastedhisfavouritedrink!
Theyagreedattheirmess—theyagreedintheglass—
Theyagreedinthechoiceoftheir\"set，\"
Andtheyalsoagreedinadoring，alas!
TheVivandiere，prettyFILLETTE。
Agreement，yousee，maybecarriedtoofar，AndafteragreeingallroundForyears—inthissoldierly\"maidofthebar，\"
Aboneofcontentiontheyfound!
Itmayseemimpropertocallsuchapet—
Byametaphor，even—abone；
Butthoughtheyagreedinadoringher，yetEachwantedtomakeherhisown。
\"Onthedaythatyoumarryher，\"mutteredPREPERE
（Withapistolhequietlyplayed），\"I’llscatterthebrainsinyournoddle，Iswear，Alloverthestonyparade!\"
\"IcannotdoTHATtoyou，\"answeredLAGUERRE，\"Whatevereventsmaybefall；
ButthisICANdo—IFYOUwedher，MONCHER!
I’lleatyou，moustachiosandall!\"
Therivals，althoughtheywouldneverengage，Yetquarrelledwhenevertheymet；
Theymetinafuryandleftinarage，ButneithertookprettyFILLETTE。
\"Iamnotafraid，\"thoughtMAKREDIPREPERE：
\"ForcountryI’mreadytofall；
Butnobodywants，foramereVivandiere，Tobeeaten，moustachiosandall!
\"Besides，thoughLAGUERREhashisfaults，I’llallowHe’soneofthebravestofmen：
Mygoodness!ifIdisagreewithhimnow，Imightdisagreewithhimthen。\"
\"NocowardamI，\"saidLAGUERRE，\"asyouguess—
Isneeratanenemy’sblade；
ButIdon’twantPREPEREtogetintoamessForsplashingthestonyparade!\"
OnedayonparadetoPREPEREandLAGUERRE
CameCORPORALJACOTDEBETTE，Andtremblingallover，heprayedofthemthereTogivehimtheprettyFILLETTE。
\"Yousee，IamwillingtomarrymybrideUntilyou’vearrangedthisaffair；
IwillblowoutmybrainswhenyourhonoursdecideWhichmarriesthesweetVivandiere!\"
\"Well，takeher，’saidbothoftheminaduet（Afavouriteformofreply），\"ButwhenIamreadytomarryFILLETTE。
Rememberyou’vepromisedtodie!\"
Hemarriedherthen：fromthefloweryplainsOfexistencetherosestheycull：
Helivedandhediedwithhiswife；andhisbrainsArereposinginpeaceinhisskull。
Ballad：EMILY，JOHN，JAMES，ANDI。ADERBYLEGEND。
EMILYJANEwasanurserymaid，JAMESwasaboldLifeGuard，JOHNwasaconstable，poorlypaid（AndIamadoggerelbard）。
AverygoodgirlwasEMILYJANE，JIMMYwasgoodandtrue，JOHNwasaverygoodmaninthemain（AndIamagoodmantoo）。
RivalsforEMMIEwereJOHNNYandJAMES，ThoughEMILYlikedthemboth；
Shecouldn’ttellwhichhadthestrongestclaims（AndIcouldn’ttakemyoath）。
Butsoonerorlateryou’recertaintofindYoursentimentscan’tliehid—
JANEthoughtitwastimethatshemadeuphermind（AndIthinkitwastimeshedid）。
SaidJANE，withasmirk，andablushonherface，\"I’llpromisetowedtheboyWhotakesmeto—morrowtoEpsomRace!\"
（WhichIwouldhavedone，withjoy）。
FromJOHNNYescapedanexpressionofpain，ButJimmysaid，\"Donewithyou!
I’lltakeyouwithpleasure，myEMILYJANE!\"
（AndIwouldhavesaidsotoo）。
JOHNlayontheground，andheroaredlikemad（ForJOHNNYwassoreperplexed），Andhekickedveryhardataverysmalllad（WhichIoftendo，whenvexed）。
ForJOHNwasondutynextdaywiththeForce，TopunishallEpsomcrimes；
YoungpeopleWILLcrosswhenthey’reclearingthecourse（Idoitmyself，sometimes）。
********
TheDerbyDaysunglitteredgailyoncads，Onmaidenswithgambogehair，Onsharpersandpickpockets，swindlersandpads，（ForI，withmyharp，wasthere）。
AndJIMMYwentdownwithhisJANEthatday，AndJOHNbythecollarornapeSeizedeverybodywhocameinhisway（AndIhadanarrowescape）。
HenoticedhisEMILYJANEwithJIM，Andenviedthewell—madeelf；
Andpeopleremarkedthathemuttered\"Oh，dim!\"
（Ioftensay\"dim!\"myself）。
JOHNdoggedthemallday，withoutaskingtheirleaves；
Forhissergeanthetold，aside，ThatJIMMYandJANEwerenotoriousthieves（AndIthinkhewasjustified）。
ButJAMESwouldn’tdreamofabstractingafork，AndJENNYwouldblushwithshameAtstealingsomuchasabottleorcork（AbottleIthinkfairgame）。
But，ah!there’sanothermoreseriouscrime!
TheywickedlystrayeduponThecourse，atacriticalmomentoftime（IpointedthemouttoJOHN）。
Theconstablefellonthepairinacrack—
Andthen，withademonsmile，LetJENNYcrossover，butsentJIMMYback（Iplayedonmyharpthewhile）。
SternJOHNNYtheiragonyloudderidesWithaverytriumphantsneer—
Theyweepandtheywailfromtheoppositesides（AndIshedasilenttear）。
AndJENNYiscryingawaylikemad，AndJIMMYisswearinghard；
AndJOHNNYislookinguncommonlyglad（AndIamadoggerelbard）。
ButJIMMYheventuredoncrossingagainThescenesofourIsthmianGames—
JOHNcaughthim，andcollaredhim，givinghimpain（IfeltverymuchforJAMES）。
JOHNledhimawaywithavictor’shand，AndJIMMYwasshortlyseenInthestation—houseunderthegrandGrandStand（AsmanyatimeI’VEbeen）。
AndJIMMY，badboy，wasimprisonedforlife，ThoughEMILYpleadedhard；
AndJOHNNYhadEMILYJANEtowife（AndIamadoggerelbard）。
Ballad：THEPERILSOFINVISIBILITY。
OLDPETERledawretchedlife—
OldPETERhadafuriouswife；
OldPETERtoowastrulystout，Hemeasuredseveralyardsabout。
ThelittlefairyPICKLEKIN
Onesummerafternoonlookedin，Andsaid，\"OldPETER，howdedo？
CanIdoanythingforyou？
\"Ihavethreegifts—thefirstwillgiveUnboundedricheswhileyoulive；
Thesecondhealthwhere’eryoube；
Thethird，invisibility。\"
\"OlittlefairyPICKLEKIN，\"
OldPETERansweredwithagrin，\"Tohesitatewouldbeabsurd，—
UndoubtedlyIchoosethethird。\"
\"’Tisyours，\"thefairysaid；\"bequiteInvisibletomortalsightWhene’eryouplease。RemembermeMostkindly，pray，toMRS。P。\"
OldMRS。PETERoverheardWeePICKLEKIN’Sconcludingword，And，jealousofhergirlhood’schoice，Said，\"Thatwassomeyoungwoman’svoice：
OldPETERletherscoldandswear—
OldPETER，blesshim，didn’tcare。
\"Mydear，yourrageiswastedquite—
Observe，Idisappearfromsight!\"
Awell—bredfairy（soI’veheard）
Isalwaysfaithfultoherword：
OldPETERvanishedlikeashot，Putthen—HISSUITOFCLOTHESDIDNOT!
ForwhenconferredthefairyslimInvisibilityonHIM，Shepoppedawayonfairywings，Withoutreferringtohis\"things。\"
Sothereremainedacoatofblue，Avestanddoubleeyeglasstoo，Histail，hisshoes，hissocksaswell，Hispairof—no，Imustnottell。
OldMRS。PETERsoonbeganToseethefailureofhisplan，Andthenresolved（IquotetheBard）
To\"hoisthimwithhisownpetard。\"
OldPETERwokenextdayanddressed，Putonhiscoat，andshoes，andvest，Hisshirtandstock；BUTCOULDNOTFIND
HISONLYPAIROF—nevermind!
OldPETERwasadecentman，Andthoughhetwiggedhislady’splan，Yet，hearingherapproaching，heResumedinvisibility。
\"DearMRS。P。，myonlyjoy，\"
Exclaimedthehorrifiedoldboy，\"Now，givethemup，Ibegofyou—
YouknowwhatI’mreferringto!\"
Butno；thecrossoldladysworeShe’dkeephis—whatIsaidbefore—
Tomakehimpubliclyabsurd；
AndMRS。PETERkeptherword。
Thepooroldfellowhadnorest；
Hiscoat，hisstick，hisshoes，hisvest，Wereallthatnowmetmortaleye—
Therest，invisibility!
\"Now，madam，givethemup，Ibeg—
I’vehadrheumaticsinmyleg；
Besides，untilyoudo，it’splainIcannotcometosightagain!
\"ForthoughsomemirthitmightaffordToseemyclotheswithouttheirlord，YettherewouldriseindignantoathsIfhewereseenwithouthisclothes!\"
Butno；resolvedtohaveherquiz，Theladyheldherown—andhis—
AndPETERlefthishumblecotTofindapairof—youknowwhat。
But—here’stheworstoftheaffair—
Whene’erhecameacrossapairAlreadyplacedforhimtodon，Hewastoostouttogetthemon!
Soheresolvedatoncetotrain，Andwalkedandwalkedwithallhismain；
Foryearshepacedthismortalearth，Tobringhimselftodecentgirth。
Atnight，whenallaroundisstill，You’llfindhimpoundingupahill；
Andshriekingpeasantswhomhemeets，Falldowninterroronthepeats!
OldPETERwalksthroughwindandrain，Resolvedtotrain，andtrain，andtrain，Untilheweighstwelvestone’orso—
Andwhenhedoes，I’llletyouknow。
Ballad：THEMYSTICSELVAGEE。
PERHAPSalreadyyoumayknowSIRBLENNERHASSETPORTICO？
ACaptainintheNavy，he—
ABaronetandK。C。B。
Youdo？Ithoughtso!
ItwasthatCaptain’sfavouritewhim（Anotionnotconfinedtohim）
ThatRODNEYwasthegreatesttarWhoeverwieldedcapstan—bar。
Hehadbeentaughtso。
\"BENBOW!CORNWALLIS!HOOD!—Belay!
ComparedwithRODNEY\"—hewouldsay—
\"Noothertariswortharap!
ThegreatLORDRODNEYwasthechapTheFrenchtopolish!
\"Though，mindyou，IrespectLORDHOOD；
CORNWALLIS，too，wasrathergood；
BENBOWcouldenemiesrepel，LORDNELSON，too，wasprettywell—
Thatis，tol—lol—ish!\"
SIRBLENNERHASSETspenthisdaysInlearningRODNEY’Slittleways，Andcloselyimitated，too，Hismodeoftalkingtohiscrew—
Hisportandpaces。
AnancienttarhetriedtocatchWho’dservedinRODNEY’Sfamousbatch；
Butsincehistimelongyearshavefled，AndRODNEY’Starsaremostlydead：
EHEUFUGACES!
Butaftersearchingnearandfar，AtlasthefoundanancienttarWhoservedwithRODNEYandhiscrewAgainsttheFrenchin’Eighty—two，（Thatgainedthepeerage）。
Hegavehimfiftypoundsayear，Hisrum，hisbaccy，andhisbeer；
AndhadacomfortabledenRiggedupinwhat，bymerchantmen，Iscalledthesteerage。
\"Now，JASPER\"—’twasthatsailor’sname—
\"Don’tfearthatyou’llincurmyblameBysaying，whenitseemstoyou，ThatthereisanythingIdoThatRODNEYwouldn’t。\"
Theancientsailorturnedhisquid，Preparedtodoashewasbid：
\"Ay，ay，yerhonour；tobegin，You’vedoneawaywith’swiftingin’—
Well，sir，youshouldn’t!
\"UponyoursparsIseeyou’veclappedPeakhalliardblocks，alliron—capped。
Iwouldnotchristenthatacrime，But’twasnotdoneinRODNEY’Stime。
Itlookshalf—witted!
Uponyourmaintop—stay，Isee，Youalwaysclapaselvagee!
Yourstays，Isee，areequalized—
Novessel，suchasRODNEYprized，Wouldthusbefitted!
\"AndRODNEY，honouredsir，wouldgrinToseeyouturningdeadeyesin，NotUP，asintheancientway，Butdownwards，likeacutter’sstay—
Youdidn’toughter；
Besides，inseizingshroudsonboard，Breastbackstaysyouhavequiteignored；
GreatRODNEYkeptuntothelastBreastbackstaysontopgallantmast—
Theymakeittauter。\"
SIRBLENNERHASSET\"swiftedin，\"
Turneddeadeyesup，andlentafinTostrip（astoldbyJASPERKNOX）
Theironcappingfromhisblocks，Wheretherewasany。
SIRBLENNERHASSETdoesaway，Withselvageesfrommaintop—stay；
Andthoughitmakeshissailorsstare，Herigsbreastbackstayseverywhere—
Infact，toomany。
Onemorning，whenthesaucycraftLaycalmed，oldJASPERtoddledaft。
\"Mymindmisgivesme，sir，thatweWerewrongaboutthatselvagee—
Ishouldrestoreit。\"
\"Good，\"saidtheCaptain，andthatdayRestoredittothemaintop—stay。
Well—practisedsailorsoftenmakeAmuchmoreseriousmistake，Andthenignoreit。
NextdayoldJASPERcameoncemore：
\"Ithink，sir，Iwasrightbefore。\"
Well，upthemastthesailorsskipped，Theselvageewassoonunshipped，Andallweremerry。
Againaday，andJASPERcame：
\"Ip’r’apsdeserveyourhonour’sblame，Ican’tmakeupmymind，\"saidhe，\"Aboutthatcursedselvagee—
It’sfoolish—very。
\"OnMondaynightIcouldhaveswornThatmaintop—stayitshouldadorn，OnTuesdaymorningIcouldswearThatselvageeshouldnotbethere。
Theknot’sarasper!\"
\"Oh，youbehanged，\"saidCAPTAINP。，\"Here，goashoreatCaribbee。
Getout—goodbye—shoveoff—allright!\"
OldJASPERsoonwasoutofsight—
Farewell，oldJASPER!
Ballad：PHRENOLOGY。
\"COME，collarthisbadman—
AroundthethroatheknottedmeTillItochokebegan—
Inpointoffact，garottedme!\"
SospakeSIRHERBERTWRITE
ToJAMES，PolicemanThirty—two—
AllruffledwithhisfightSIRHERBERTwas，anddirtytoo。
Policemannothingsaid（Thoughhehadmuchtosayonit），Butfromthebadman’sheadHetookthecapthatlayonit。
\"No，greatSIRHERBERTWHITE—
Impossibletotakehimup。
Thismanishonestquite—
Whereverdidyourakehimup？
\"ForBurglars，Thieves，andCo。，Indeed，I’mnoapologist，ButI，someyearsago，AssistedaPhrenologist。
\"Observehisvariousbumps，HisheadasIuncoverit：
HismoralslieinlumpsAllroundaboutandoverit。\"
\"Nowtakehim，\"saidSIRWHITE，\"Oryouwillsoonberueingit；
Blessme!Imustberight，—
Icaughtthefellowdoingit!\"
Policemancalmlysmiled，\"Indeedyouaremistaken，sir，You’reagitated—riled—
Andverybadlyshaken，sir。
\"Sitdown，andI’llexplainMysystemofPhrenology，Asecond，please，remain\"—
（Asecondishorology）。
Policemanlefthisbeat—
（TheBart。，nolongerfurious，Satdownuponaseat，Observing，\"Thisiscurious!\"）
\"Oh，surely，herearesignsShouldsoftenyourrigidity：
ThisgentlemancombinesPolitenesswithtimidity。
\"OfShynesshere’salump—
AholeforAnimosity—
AndlikemyfisthisbumpOfImpecuniosity。
\"JustherethebumpappearsOfInnocentHilarity，AndjustbehindhisearsAreFaith，andHope，andCharity。
HeoftrueChristianwaysAsbrightexamplesentusis—
Thismaximheobeys，’SORTETUACONTENTUSSIS。’
\"There，lethimgohisways，Heneedsnosternadmonishing。\"
TheBart。，inblankamaze，Exclaimed，\"Thisisastonishing!
\"IMUSThavemadeamull，ThismatterI’vebeenblindinit：
Examine，please，MYskull，Andtellmewhatyoufindinit。\"
ThatCrusherlooked，andsaid，Withunimpairedurbanity，\"SIRHERBERT，you’veaheadThatteemswithinhumanity。
\"Here’sMurder，Envy，Strife（Propensitytokillany），AndLiesaslargeaslife，AndheapsofSocialVillany。
\"Here’sLoveofBran—NewClothes，Embezzling—Arson—Deism—
AtasteforSlangandOaths，AndFraudulentTrusteeism。
\"Here’sLoveofGroundlessCharge—
Here’sMalice，too，andTrickery，UnusuallylargeYourbumpofPocket—Pickery—\"
\"Stop!\"saidtheBart。，\"mycupIsfull—I’mworsethanhiminall；
Policeman，takemeup—
NodoubtIamsomecriminal!\"
ThatPleeceman’sscorngrewlarge（Phrenologyhadnettledit），HetookthatBart。incharge—
Idon’tknowhowtheysettledit。
Ballad：THEFAIRYCURATE。
ONCEafairyLightandairyMarriedwithamortal；
Men，however，Never，neverPassthefairyportal。
Slylystealing，ShetoEalingMadeadailyjourney；
Thereshefoundhim，Clientsroundhim（Hewasanattorney）。
Longtheytarried，Thentheymarried。
WhentheceremonyOncewasended，OfftheywendedOntheirmoonofhoney。
Twelvemonth，maybe，Sawababy（Friendsperformedanorgie）。
Muchtheyprizedhim，AndbaptizedhimBythenameofGEORGIE，GEORGIEgrewup；
ThenheflewupTohisfairymother。
Happymeeting—
Pleasantgreeting—
Kissingoneanother。
\"ChooseacallingMostenthralling，Isincerelyurgeye。\"
\"Mother，\"saidhe（Rev’rencemadehe），\"Iwouldjointheclergy。
\"GivepermissionInaddition—
Pawillletmedoit：
There’salivingInhisgiving—
He’llappointmetoit。
Dreamsofcoff’ring，Easteroff’ring，Titheandrentandpew—rate，Soinflameme（Donotblameme），ThatI’llbeacurate。\"
She，withpleasure，Said，\"Mytreasure，’Tismywishprecisely。
Doyourduty，There’sabeauty；
Youhavechosenwisely。
TellyourfatherIwouldratherAsachurchmanrankyou。
You，inclover，I’llwatchover。\"
GEORGIEsaid，\"Oh，thankyou!\"
GEORGIEscudded，Wentandstudied，Madeallpreparations，Andwithcredit（Thoughhesaidit）
Passedexaminations。
（DonotquarrelWithhim，moral，Scrupulousdigestions—
’Twashismother，Andnoother，Answeredallthequestions。）
Timeproceeded；
LittleneededGEORGIEadmonition：
He，elated，VindicatedClergyman’sposition。
PeopleroundhimAlwaysfoundhimPlainandunpretending；
Kindlyteaching，Plainlypreaching，Allhismoneylending。
Sothefairy，Wiseandwary，Feltnosorrowrising—
NooccasionForpersuasion，Warning，oradvising。
He，resumingFairypluming（That’snotEnglish，isit？）
Oftwouldflyup，Totheskyup，Paymammaavisit。
********
Timeprogressing，GEORGIE’SblessingGrewmoreRitualistic—
Popishscandals，Tonsures—sandals—
Genuflectionsmystic；
Gushingmeetings—
Bosom—beatings—
Heavenlyecstatics—
Broideredspencers—
Copesandcensers—
Rochetsanddalmatics。
ThisquandaryVexedthefairy—
FlewshedowntoEaling。
\"GEORGIE，stopit!
Prayyou，dropit；
Harktomyappealing：
TothisfoolishPapalrule—ishTwaddleputanending；
ThisaswerveisFromourServicePlainandunpretending。\"
He，replying，Answered，sighing，Hawing，hemming，humming，\"It’sapity—
They’resopritty；
Yetinmodebecoming，Mothertender，I’llsurrender—
I’llbeunaffected—\"
ButhisBishopIntoHISshopEnteredunexpected!
\"Whoisthis，sir，—
Balletmiss，sir？\"
SaidtheBishopcoldly。
\"’Tismymother，Andnoother，\"
GEORGIEansweredboldly。
\"Goalong，sir!
Youarewrong，sir；
Youhaveyearsinplenty，Whilethishussy（Graciousmussy!）
Isn’ttwoandtwenty!\"
（FairiescleverNever，neverGrowinvisageolder；
Andthefairy，Allunwary，Leantuponhisshoulder!）
Bishopgrievedhim，Disbelievedhim；
GEORGEthepointgrewwarmon；
Changedreligion，Likeapigeon，（14）
AndbecameaMormon!
Ballad：THEWAYOFWOOING。
AMAIDENsatatherwindowwide，PrettyenoughforaPrince’sbride，Yetnobodycametoclaimher。
Shesatlikeabeautifulpicturethere，Withprettybluebellsandrosesfair，Andjasmine—leavestoframeher。
Andwhyshesattherenobodyknows；
Butthisshesangasshepluckedarose，Theleavesaroundherstrewing：
\"I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Butthegallant’sWAYofwooing!\"
Alovercameridingbyawhile，Awealthyloverwashe，whosesmileSomemaidswouldvaluegreatly—
Aformallover，whobowedandbent，Withmanyahigh—flowncompliment，Andcolddemeanourstately，\"You’vestill，\"saidshetohersuitorstern，\"The’prentice—workofyourcrafttolearn，Ifthusyoucomea—cooing。
I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!\"
Asecondlovercameamblingby—
AtimidladwithafrightenedeyeAndacolourmantlinghighly。
Hemutteredtheerrandonwhichhe’dcome，Thenonlychuckledandbithisthumb，Andsimpered，simperedshyly。
\"No，\"saidthemaiden，\"goyourway；
Youdarebutthinkwhatamanwouldsay，Yetdaretocomea—suing!
I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!\"
Athirdrodeupatastartlingpace—
Asuitorpoor，withahomelyface—
Nodoubtsappearedtobindhim。
Hekissedherlipsandhepressedherwaist，Andoffherodewiththemaiden，placedOnapillionsafebehindhim。
AndsheheardthesuitorboldconfideThisgoldenhinttothepriestwhotiedTheknotthere’snoundoing；
Withprettyyoungmaidenswhocanchoose，’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!\"
Ballad：HONGREEANDMAHRY。ARECOLLECTIONOFASURREYMELODRAMA。
THEsunwassettinginitswontedwest，WhenHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，MetMAHRYDAUBIGNY，theVillageRose，UndertheWizard’sOak—oldtrysting—placeOfthosewholovedinrosyAquitaine。
Theythoughtthemselvesunwatched，buttheywerenot；
ForHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，FoundinLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC
Arival，enviousandunscrupulous，Whothoughtitnotfoulscorntododgehissteps，Andlisten，unperceived，toallthatpassedBetweenthesimplelittleVillageRoseAndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
Aclumsybarrack—bullywasDUBOSC，Quiteunfamiliarwiththewell—bredtactThatanimatesapropergentlemanIndealingwithagirlofhumblerank。
You’llunderstandhiscoarsenesswhenIsayHewouldhavemarriedMAHRYDAUBIGNY，AnddraggedtheunsophisticatedgirlIntothewhirloffashionablelife，Forwhichhersingularlyrusticways，Herbreeding（moral，butextremelyrude），Herlanguage（chaste，butungrammatical），Wouldabsolutelyhaveunfittedher。
HowdifferenttothisunreflectingboorWasHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
ContemporarywiththeincidentRelatedinouropeningparagraph，Wasthatsadwar’twixtGalliaandourselvesThatfollowedonthetreatysignedatTroyes；
AndsoLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC
（Bravesoldier，he，withallhisfaultsofstyle）
AndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，WeresentbyCHARLESofFranceagainstthelinesOfourSixthHENRY（Fourteentwenty—nine），TodrivehislegionsoutofAquitaine。
WhenHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Returned，suspectingnothing，tohiscamp，AfterhismeetingwiththeVillageRose，Hefoundinsidehisbarrackletter—boxAnotefromthecommandingofficer，Requiringhisattendanceathead—quarters。
Hewent，andfoundLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLES。
\"YoungHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，ThisnightweshallattacktheEnglishcamp：
Bethe’forlornhope’yours—you’llleadit，sir，Andleadittoowithcredit，I’venodoubt。
Aseverymanmustcertainlybekilled（Foryouaretwenty’gainsttwothousandmen），Itisnotlikelythatyouwillreturn。
Butwhatofthat？you’llhavethebenefitOfknowingthatyoudieasoldier’sdeath。\"
ObediencewasyoungHONGREE’Sstrongestpoint，ButheimaginedthatheonlyowedAllegiancetohisMAHRYandhisKing。
\"IfMAHRYbademeleadthesefatedmen，I’dleadthem—butIdonotthinkshewould。
IfCHARLES，myKing，said，’Go，myson，anddie，’
I’dgo，ofcourse—mydutywouldbeclear。
ButMAHRYisinbedasleep，Ihope，AndCHARLES，myKing，ahundredleaguesfromthis。
AsforLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC，HowknowIthatourmonarchwouldapproveTheorderhehasgivenmeto—night？
MyKingI’vesworninallthingstoobey—
I’llonlytakemyordersfrommyKing!\"
ThusHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Interpretedthetermsofhiscommission。
AndHONGREE，whowaswiseashewasgood，Disguisedhimselfthatnightinamplecloak，Roundflappinghat，andvizormaskofblack，Andmade，unnoticed，fortheEnglishcamp。
Hepassedtheunsuspectingsentinels（WholittlethoughtamaninthisdisguiseCouldbeaproperobjectofsuspicion），Anderethecurfewbellhadboomed\"lightsout，\"
HefoundinaudienceBedford’shaughtyDuke。
\"YourGrace，\"hesaid，\"startnot—benotalarmed，AlthoughaFrenchmanstandsbeforeyoureyes。
I’mHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
MyColonelwillattackyourcampto—night，Andordersmetoleadthehopeforlorn。
NowIamsureourexcellentKINGCHARLES
Wouldnotapproveofthis；buthe’sawayAhundredleagues，andrathermorethanthat。
So，utterlydevotedtomyKing，Blindedbymyattachmenttothethrone，Andhavingbutitsinterestatheart，IfeelitismydutytodiscloseAllschemesthatemanatefromCOLONELJOOLES，IfIbelievethattheyarenotthekindOfschemesthatourgoodmonarchwouldapprove。\"
\"Buthow，\"saidBedford’sDuke，\"doyouproposeThatweshouldoverthrowyourColonel’sscheme？\"
AndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Repliedatoncewithnever—failingtact：
\"Oh，sir，Iknowthiscursedcountrywell。
Entrustyourselfandallyourhosttome；
I’llleadyousafelybyasecretpathIntotheheartofCOLONELJOOLES’array，Andyoucanthenattackthemunprepared，Andslaymyfellow—countrymenunarmed。\"
Thethingwasdone。TheDUKEofBEDFORDgaveTheorder，andtwothousandfightingmenCreptsilentlyintotheGalliccamp，AndslewtheFrenchmenastheylayasleep；
AndBedford’shaughtyDukeslewCOLONELJOOLES，AndgavefairMAHRY，prideofAquitaine，ToHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
Ballad：ETIQUETTE。（15）
THEBALLYSHANNONfounderedoffthecoastofCariboo，Anddowninfathomsmanywentthecaptainandthecrew；
Downwenttheowners—greedymenwhomhopeofgainallured：
Oh，drythestartingtear，fortheywereheavilyinsured。
Besidesthecaptainandthemate，theownersandthecrew，Thepassengerswerealsodrownedexceptingonlytwo：
YoungPETERGRAY，whotastedteasforBAKER，CROOP，ANDCO。，AndSOMERS，whofromEasternshoresimportedindigo。
Thesepassengers，byreasonoftheirclingingtoamast，Uponadesertislandwereeventuallycast。
Theyhuntedfortheirmeals，asALEXANDERSELKIRKused，Buttheycouldn’tchattogether—theyhadnotbeenintroduced。
ForPETERGRAY，andSOMERStoo，thoughcertainlyintrade，Wereproperlyparticularaboutthefriendstheymade；
Andsomehowthustheysettleditwithoutawordofmouth—
ThatGRAYshouldtakethenorthernhalf，whileSOMERStookthesouth。
OnPETER’Sportionoystersgrew—adelicacyrare，ButoysterswereadelicacyPETERcouldn’tbear。
OnSOMERS’sidewasturtle，ontheshinglelyingthick，WhichSOMERScouldn’teat，becauseitalwaysmadehimsick。
GRAYgnashedhisteethwithenvyashesawamightystoreOfturtleunmolestedonhisfellow—creature’sshore。
Theoystersathisfeetasideimpatientlyheshoved，Forturtleandhismotherweretheonlythingsheloved。
AndSOMERSsighedinsorrowashesettledinthesouth，ForthethoughtofPETER’Soystersbroughtthewatertohismouth。
Helongedtolayhimdownupontheshellybed，andstuff：
Hehadofteneatenoysters，buthadneverhadenough。
HowtheywishedanintroductiontoeachothertheyhadhadWhenonboardtheBALLYSHANNON!AnditdrovethemnearlymadTothinkhowveryfriendlywitheachothertheymightget，Ifitwasn’tforthearbitraryruleofetiquette!
Oneday，whenouta—huntingfortheMUSRIDICULUS，GRAYoverheardhisfellow—mansoliloquizingthus：
\"Iwonderhowtheplaymatesofmyyoutharegettingon，M’CONNELL，S。B。WALTERS，PADDYBYLES，andROBINSON？\"
ThesesimplewordsmadePETERasdelightedascouldbe，OldchummiesattheCharterhousewereROBINSONandhe!
HewalkedstraightuptoSOMERS，thenheturnedextremelyred，Hesitated，hummedandhawedabit，thenclearedhisthroat，andsaid：
Ibegyourpardon—prayforgivemeifIseemtoobold，ButyouhavebreathedanameIknewfamiliarlyofold。
YouspokealoudofROBINSON—Ihappenedtobeby。
Youknowhim？\"\"Yes，extremelywell。\"\"Allowme，sodoI。\"
Itwasenough：theyfelttheycouldmorepleasantlygeton，For（ah，themagicofthefact!）theyeachknewROBINSON!
AndMr。SOMERS’turtlewasatPETER’Sservicequite，AndMr。SOMERSpunishedPETER’Soyster—bedsallnight。
Theysoonbecamelikebrothersfromcommunityofwrongs：
Theywroteeachotherlittleodesandsangeachothersongs；
Theytoldeachotheranecdotesdisparagingtheirwives；
Onseveraloccasions，too，theysavedeachother’slives。
Theyfeltquitemelancholywhentheypartedforthenight，Andgotupinthemorningsoonaseveritwaslight；
Eachother’spleasantcompanytheyreckonedsoupon，AndallbecauseithappenedthattheybothknewROBINSON!
Theylivedformanyyearsonthatinhospitableshore，Anddaybydaytheylearnedtoloveeachothermoreandmore。
Atlast，totheirastonishment，ongettinguponeday，Theysawafrigateanchoredintheoffingofthebay。
ToPETERanideaoccurred。\"Supposewecrossthemain？
Sogoodanopportunitymaynotbefoundagain。\"
AndSOMERSthoughtaminute，thenejaculated，\"Done!
IwonderhowmybusinessintheCity’sgettingon？\"
\"Butstay，\"saidMr。PETER：\"wheninEngland，asyouknow，IearnedalivingtastingteasforBAKER，CROOP，ANDCO。，Imaybesuperseded—myemployersthinkmedead!\"
\"Thencomewithme，\"saidSOMERS，\"andtasteindigoinstead。\"
ButalltheirplanswerescatteredinamomentwhentheyfoundThevesselwasaconvictshipfromPortland，outwardbound；
Whenaboatcameofftofetchthem，thoughtheyfeltitverykind，Togoonboardtheyfirmlybutrespectfullydeclined。
Asboththehappysettlersroaredwithlaughteratthejoke，Theyrecognizedagentlemanlyfellowpullingstroke：
’TwasROBINSON—aconvict，inanunbecomingfrock!
Condemnedtosevenyearsformisappropriatingstock!!!
Theylaughednomore，forSOMERSthoughthehadbeenratherrashInknowingonewhosefriendhadmisappropriatedcash；
AndPETERthoughtafoolishtackhemusthavegoneuponInmakingtheacquaintanceofafriendofROBINSON。
Atfirsttheydidn’tquarrelveryopenly，I’veheard；
Theynoddedwhentheymet，andnowandthenexchangedaword：
Thewordgrewrare，andrarerstillthenoddingofthehead，Andwhentheymeeteachothernow，theycuteachotherdead。
Toallocatetheislandtheyagreedbywordofmouth，AndPETERtakesthenorthagain，andSOMERStakesthesouth；
AndPETERhastheoysters，whichhehates，inlayersthick，AndSOMERShastheturtle—turtlealwaysmakeshimsick。
Ballad：ATAPANTOMIME。BYABILIOUSONE。
ANActorsitsindoubtfulgloom，Hisstock—in—tradeunfurled，Inadampfunerealdressing—roomIntheTheatreRoyal，World。
HecomestotownatChristmas—time，Andbravesitsicybreath，Toplayinthatfavouritepantomime，HARLEQUINLIFEANDDEATH。
AhoaryflowingwighisweirdUnearthlycraniumcaps，HehangsalongbenevolentbeardOnapairofemptychaps。
TosmoothhisghastlyfeaturesdownTheactor’sarthecribs，—
Alongandaflowingpaddedgown。
Bedeckshisrattlingribs。
Hecries，\"Goon—begin，begin!
Turnonthelightoflime—
I’mdressedforjollyOldChristmas，inAfavouritepantomime!\"
Thecurtain’sup—thestageallblack—
Timeandtheyearnighsped—
Timeasanadvertisingquack—
TheOldYearnearlydead。
ThewandofTimeiswaved，andlo!
RevealedOldChristmasstands，Andlittlechildrenchuckleandcrow，Andlaughandclaptheirhands。
ThecrueloldscoundrelbrightensupAtthedeathoftheOldenYear，Andhewavesagorgeousgoldencup，Andbidstheworldgoodcheer。
ThelittleoneshailthefestiveKing，—
Nothoughtcanmakethemsad。
Theirlaughtercomeswithasoundingring，Theyclapandcrowlikemad!
TheyonlyseeinthehumbugoldAholidayeveryyear，Andhandsomegifts，andjoysuntold，Andunaccustomedcheer。
Theoldones，palsied，blear，andhoar，Theirbreastsinanguishbeat—
They’veseenhimseventytimesbefore，Howwelltheyknowthecheat!
They’veseenthatghastlypantomime，They’vefeltitsblightingbreath，TheyknowthatrollickingChristmas—timeMeantColdandWantandDeath，—
Starvation—PoorLawUnionfare—
Anddeadlycrampsandchills，Andillness—illnesseverywhere，Andcrime，andChristmasbills。
TheyknowOldChristmaswell，Iween，Thosemenofripenedage；
They’veoften，often，oftenseenThatActoroffthestage!
TheyseeinhisgayrotundityAclumsystuffed—outdress—
TheyseeinthecuphewavesonhighAtinselledemptiness。
Thoseagedmensoleanandwan，They’veseenitallbefore，Theyknowthey’llseethecharlatanButtwiceorthreetimesmore。
Andsotheybearwithdanceandsong，Andcrimsonfoilandgreen，Theywearilysit，andgrimlylongFortheTransformationScene。
Ballad：HAUNTED。
HAUNTED？Ay，inasocialwayByabodyofghostsindreadarray；
Butnoconventionalspectresthey—
Appalling，grim，andtricky：
IquailatmineasI’dneverquailAtafinetraditionalspectrepale，Withaturnipheadandaghostlywail，Andasplashofbloodonthedickey!
Minearehorrible，socialghosts，—
Speechesandwomenandguestsandhosts，Weddingsandmorningcallsandtoasts，Ineverybadvariety：
GhostswhohoveraboutthegraveOfallthat’smanly，free，andbrave：
You’llfindtheirnamesonthearchitraveOfthatcharnel—house，Society。
BlackMonday—blackasitsschool—roomink—
WithitsdismalboysthatsnivelandthinkOfitsnauseousmessestoeatanddrink，Anditsfrozentanktowashin。
Thatwasthefirstthatbroughtmegrief，Andmademeweep，tillIsoughtreliefInanemblematicalhandkerchief，Tochokesuchbabyboshin。
Firstandworstinthegrimarray—
Ghostsofghoststhathavegonetheirway，WhichIwouldn’treviveforasingledayForallthewealthofPLUTUS—
Arethehorribleghoststhatschool—daysscared：
IftheclassicalghostthatBRUTUSdaredWastheghostofhis\"Caesar\"unprepared，I’msureIpityBRUTUS。
Ipasstocriticalseventeen；
Theghostofthatterribleweddingscene，WhenanelderlyColonelstolemyQueen，Andwokemydreamofheaven。
Noschoolgirldeckedinhernurse—roomcurlsWasmygushinginnocentQueenofPearls；
Ifshewasn’tagirlofathousandgirls，Shewasoneofforty—seven!
Iseetheghostofmyfirstcigar，Ofthethence—arisingfamilyjar—
Ofmymaidenbrief（IwasattheBar，AndIcalledtheJudge\"Yourwushup!\"）
Ofrecklessdaysandrecklessnights，Withwrenched—offknockers，extinguishedlights，Unholysongsandtipsyfights，WhichIstroveinvaintohushup。
Ghostsoffraudulentjoint—stockbanks，Ghostsof\"copy，declinedwiththanks，\"
Ofnovelsreturnedinendlessranks，Andthousandsmore，Isuffer。
TheonlylinetofitlygraceMyhumbletomb，whenI’verunmyrace，Is，\"Reader，thisistheresting—placeOfanunsuccessfulduffer。\"
I’vefoughtthemall，theseghostsofmine，ButtheweaponsI’veusedaresighsandbrine，AndnowthatI’mnearlyforty—nine，Oldageismychiefestbogy；
Formyhairisthinningawayatthecrown，Andthesilverfightswiththeworn—outbrown；
AndageneralverdictsetsmedownAsanirreclaimablefogy。
Footnotes：
（1）AversionofthisballadispublishedasaSong，byMr。
Jeffreys，SohoSquare。
（2）ThisballadispublishedasaSong，underthetitle\"If，\"byMessrs。CramerandCo。
（3）\"GowithmetoaNotary—sealmethereYoursinglebond。\"—MERCHANTOFVENICE，ActI。，sc。3。
（4）\"Andthereshallshe，atFriarLawrence’cell，Beshrivedandmarried。\"—ROMEOANDJULIET，ActII。，sc。4。
（5）\"Andgivethefastinghorsesprovender。\"—HENRYTHEFIFTH，ActIV。，sc。2。
（6）\"Letus，likemerchants，showourfoulestwares。\"—TROILUSAND
CRESSIDA，ActI。，sc。3。
（7）\"ThenmusttheJewbemerciful。\"—MERCHANTOFVENICE，ActIV。，sc。1。
（8）\"Thespring，thesummer，Thechillingautumn，angrywinter，changeTheirwontedliveries。\"—MIDSUMMERNIGHTDREAM，ActIV。，sc。1。
（9）\"InthecountyofGlo’ster，justiceofthepeaceandCORAM。\"
MERRYWIVESOFWINDSOR，ActI。，sc。1。
（10）\"Whatlustytrumpetthusdothsummonus？\"—KINGJOHN，ActV。，sc。2。
（11）\"AndI’llprovidehisexecutioner。\"—HENRYTHESIXTH（SecondPart），ActIII。，sc。1。
（12）\"Thelionesshadtornsomefleshaway，Whichallthiswhilehadbled。\"—ASYOULIKEIT，ActIV。，sc。3。
（13）DescribedbyMUNGOPARK。
（14）\"Likeabird。\"—SLANGEXPRESSION。
（15）Reprintedfromthe\"TheGraphic，\"bypermissionoftheproprietors。
