Forinstance，whyshouldn’tIdwellhereandgotoLondoneveryday，hireanofficethere，andputoutasignsomethinglikethis：
WILLIAMSHAKESPEARE
DRAMATIST
PlayswrittenwhileyouwaitIguessI’dfindplentytodo。\"
\"Guessagain，\"saidTennyson。\"Mydearboy，youforgetonething。
YOUAREOUTOFDATE。Peopledon’tgotothetheatrestohearYOU，theygotoseethepeoplewhoDOyou。\"
\"Thatistrue，\"saidWard。\"Andtheydodoyou，mybelovedWilliam。
It’sawondertomeyouarenotdizzyturningoverinyourgravethewaytheydoyou。\"
\"CanitbethatIcaneverbeoutofdate？\"askedShakespeare。\"I
know，ofcourse，thatIhavetobeadaptedattimes；buttobewhollyoutofdatestrikesmeasahardfate。\"
\"You’renotoutofdate，\"interposedCarlyle；\"thedateisoutofyou。ThereisagreatdemandforShakespeareinthesedays，butthereisn’tanystuff。\"
\"ThenIshouldsucceed，\"saidShakespeare。
\"No，Idon’tthinkso，\"returnedCarlyle。\"Youcouldn’tstandthepace。Theworldrevolvesfasterto—daythanitdidinyourtime——menwritethreeorfourplaysatonce。ThisiswhatyoumightcallaType—writerAge，andtokeepupwiththeprocessionyou’dhavetoworkasyouneverworkedbefore。\"
\"Thatistrue，\"observedTennyson。\"You’dhavetolearntobeambidextrous，sothatyoucouldkeeptwotype—writingmachinesgoingatonce；and，tobeperfectlyfrankwithyou，Icannotevenconjureupinmyfancyapictureofyouknockingoutatragedywiththerighthandononemachine，whileyourlefthandisfashioningafarce—
comedyonanother。\"
\"Hemightdoasagreatmanymodernwritersdo，\"saidWard；\"goinforthePaper—dollDrama。Cutthewholethingoutwithapairofscissors。Asthepoetmighthavesaidifhe’dbeencleverenough：
Oh，bringmethescissors，Andbringmetheglue，Andacoupleofdozenoldplays。
I’llcutoutandpasteAdramaforyouThat’llrunforquitesixty—twodays。
Oh，bringmeadressMadeofsatinandlace，Andabook——sayJoeMiller’s——ofwit；
AndI’llmaketheolddramatistsBlueinthefaceWiththeplaythatI’llturnoutforit。
Sobringmethescissors，Andbringmethepaste，Andadozenfineoldcomedies；
Afinelineofdresses，AndpopulartasteI’llmakeastrongefforttoplease。
\"Youdrawaverybluepicture，itseemstome，\"saidShakespeare，sadly。
\"Well，it’strue，\"saidCarlyle。\"Theworldisn’tatallwhatitusedtobeinanyonerespect，andyoufellowswhomadegreatreputationscenturiesagowouldn’thaveeventheghostofashownow。
Idon’tbelieveHomercouldgetapoemacceptedbyamodernmagazine，andwhilethecomicpapersarestillprintingDiogenes’jokestheoldgentlemancouldn’tmakeenoughoutoftheminthesedaystopaytaxesonhistub，letaloneearninghisbread。\"
\"Thatisexactlyso，\"saidTennyson。\"I’dbewillingtowagertoothat，inthelineofpersonalprowess，evenD’ArtagnanandAthosandPorthosandAramiscouldn’tstandLondonforoneday。\"
\"OrNewYorkeither，\"saidMr。Barnum，whohadbeenaninterestedlistener。\"ANewYorkpolicemancouldhavemanagedthatquartetwithonehand。\"
\"Then，\"saidShakespeare，\"intheopinionofyougentlemen，weold—
timelionswouldappeartomoderneyestobemoreorlessstuffed？\"
\"That’saboutthesizeofit，\"saidCarlyle。
\"Butyou’ddraw，\"saidBarnum，hisfacelightingupwithpleasure。
\"You’ddriveafive—leggedcalftosuicidefromenvy。IfIcouldtakeyouandCaesar，andNapoleonBonaparteandNerooverforonecircusseasonwe’ddrivethemintoutofbusiness。\"
\"There’syourchance，William，\"saidWard。\"YouwriteaplayforBonaparteandCaesar，andletNerotakehisfiddleandbetheorchestra。UnderBarnum’smanagementyou’dgetenoughactivityinoneseasontolastyouthroughalleternity。\"
\"Youcancountonme，\"saidBarnum，rising。\"Letmeknowwhenyou’vegotyourplanlaidout。I’dstayandmakeacontractwithyounow，butAdamhaspromisedtogivemepointsonthemanagementofwildanimalswithoutcages，soIcan’twait。By—by。\"
\"Humph!\"saidShakespeare，astheeminentshowmanpassedout。
\"That’sagayproposition。WhenmonkeysmoveinpolitesocietyWilliamShakespearewillmakeaside—showofhimselfforacircus。\"
\"Theydonow，\"saidThackeray，quietly。
WhichmerelyprovedthatShakespearedidnotmeanwhathesaid；forinspiteofThackeray’sinsinuationastothemonkeysandpolitesociety，hehasnotyetacceptedtheBarnumproposition，thoughtherecanbenodoubtofitsvaluefromthepointofviewofacircusmanager。
CHAPTERIX：ASTOCOOKERYANDSCULPTURE
RobertBurnsandHomerwereseatedatasmalltableinthedining—
roomofthehouse—boat，discussingeverythingingeneralandtheshadeofaveryexcellentluncheoninparticular。
\"Weareingreatluckto—day，\"saidBurns，ashecutaruddyduckintwain。\"Thisbirdisdonejustright。\"
\"Iagreewithyou，\"returnedHomer，drawinghischairatrifleclosertothetable。\"ComparedtotheonewehadherelastThursday，thisisafeastforthegods。Iwonderwhoitwasthatcookedthisfowloriginally？\"
\"Igiveitup；butIsuspectitwasdonebysomemanwhoknewhisbusiness，\"saidBurns，withasmackofhislips。\"It’sapity，I
think，mydearHomer，thatthereisnomeansbywhichacookmaybecomeimmortal。Cookingisasmuchofanartasisthewritingofpoetry，andjustasthereareimmortalpoetssothereshouldbeimmortalcooks。Seewhatanadvantagethepoethas——hewritessomething，itgoesoutandreachestheinmostsoulofthemanwhoreadsit，anditissigned。Hisworkisknownbecauseheputshisnametoit；butthispoordevilofacook——whereishe？Hehasdonehisworkaswellasthepoeteverdidhis，ithasreachedtheinmostsoulofthemortalwhooriginallyateit，buthecannotgetthegloryofitbecausehecannotputhisnametoit。Ifthecookcouldsignhisworkitwouldbedifferent。\"
\"Youhavehituponagreattruth，\"saidHomer，nodding，ashesometimeswaswonttodo。\"AndyetIfearthat，ingeniousasweare，wecannotdeviseaplantoremedythematter。Idonotknowaboutyou，butIshouldmyselfmuchobjectifmybirdsandmyflapjacks，andotherthings，digestibleandotherwise，thatIeatherewereservedwiththecook’snamewrittenuponthem。Anomeletteissometimesapicture——\"
\"I’veseenomelettesthatlookedlikeoneofTurner’ssunsets，\"
acquiescedBurns。
\"Precisely；andwhenTurnerputsdowninonecornerofhiscanvas，’Turner，fecit，’youdonotobject，butifthecookdidthatwiththeomeletteyouwouldn’tlikeit。\"
\"No，\"saidBurns；\"buthemightfastenatagtoit，withhisnamewrittenuponthat。\"
\"Thatisso，\"saidHomer；\"buttheresultintheendwouldbethesame。Thetagswouldgetlost，orperhapsacarelesswaiter，droppingatrayfullofdainties，wouldgetthetagsofagoodandbadcookmixedintryingtorestorethecontentsofthetraytotheirpreviouscondition。Thetagsystemwouldfail。\"
\"ThereisbutoneotherwaythatIcanthinkof，\"saidBurns，\"andthatwoulddonogoodnowunlesswecanconveyourideasintotheotherworld；thatis，foragreatpoettolendhisgeniustothegreatcook，andmakethelatter’snameimmortalbyputtingitintoapoem。Say，forinstance，thatyouhadeatenafinebitofterrapin，donetothemostexquisitepoint——youcouldhaveaskedthecook’sname，andwrittenanapostrophetoher。Somethinglikethis，forinstance：
Oh，DinahRudd!oh，DinahRudd!
Thouartacookofbluestblood!
NowherewithinThisworldofsinHaveIe’ertastedbetterterrapin。
Doyousee？\"
\"Ido；buteventhen，mydearfellow，thecookwouldfallshortoftruefame。Herexcellencewouldbeamerematterofhearsayevidence，\"saidHomer。
\"Notifyouwentontodescribe，inakeenlyanalyticalmanner，thevirtuesofthatparticularbitofterrapin，\"saidBurns。\"Drawsovividapictureofthedishthatthereaderhimselfwouldtastethatterrapinevenasyoutastedit。\"
\"Youhavehitit!\"criedHomer，enthusiastically。\"Itisagrandplan；buthowtointroduceit——thatisthequestion。\"
\"Wecanhauntsomemodernpoet，andgivehimtheideainthatway，\"
suggestedBurns。\"Hewillseethenoveltyofit，andwillpossiblydisseminatetheideaaswewishittobedisseminated。\"
\"Done!\"saidHomer。\"I’llbeginrightaway。Ifeellikehauntingto—night。I’mgettingtobeaprettyoldghost，butI’llneverlosemyloveofhaunting。\"
Atthispoint，asHomerspoke，afine—lookingspiritenteredtheroom，andtookaseatattheheadofthelongtableatwhichtheregularclubdinnerwasnightlyserved。
\"Why，blessme!\"saidHomer，hisfacelightingupwithpleasure。
\"Why，Phidias，isthatyou？\"
\"Ithinkso，\"saidthenew—comer，wearily；\"atanyrate，it’sallthat’sleftofme。\"
\"Comeoverhereandlunchwithus，\"saidHomer。\"YouknowBurns，don’tyou？\"
\"Haven’tthepleasure，\"saidPhidias。
Thepoetandthesculptorwereintroduced，afterwhichPhidiasseatedhimselfatHomer’sside。
\"AreyouanyrelationtoBurnsthepoet？\"theformerasked，addressingtheScotchman。
\"IAMBurnsthepoet，\"repliedtheother。
\"Youdon’tlookmuchlikeyourstatues，\"saidPhidias，scanninghisfacecritically。
\"No，thanktheFates!\"saidBurns，warmly。\"IfIdid，I’dcommitsuicide。\"
\"Whydon’tyousuethesculptorsforlibel？\"askedPhidias。
\"Youspeakwithagreatdealoffeeling，Phidias，\"saidHomer，gravely。\"Havetheydoneanythingtohurtyou？\"
\"Theyhave，\"saidPhidias。\"Ihavejustreturnedfromatouroftheworld。Ihaveseenthethingstheycallsculptureinthesedegeneratedays，andImustconfess——whoshouldn’t，perhaps——thatI
couldhavedonebetterworkwithabaseball—batforachiselandputtyfortherawmaterial。\"
\"IthinkIcoulddogoodworkwithabaseball—battoo，\"saidBurns；
\"butasfortherawmaterial，givemetheheadsofthemenwhohavesculpedmetoworkon。I’dleavethemsothatthey’dlooklikesomeofyourParthenonfriezefigureswiththenosesgone。\"
\"Youareavindictivecreature，\"saidHomer。\"Thesemenyoucriticise，andwhoseheadsyouwishtosculpwithabaseball—bat，havedonemoreforyouthanyoueverdidforthem。Everystatueofyouthesemenhavemadeisastandingadvertisementofyourbooks，andithasn’tcostyouapenny。Thereisn’tadoubtinmymindthatifitwerenotforthosestatuescountlesspeoplewouldgototheirgravessupposingthatthegreatScottishBurnswerelittlerivulets，andnotapoet。Whatdifferencedoesitmaketoyouiftheyhaven’tmadeanAdonisofyou？Youneversetthemanexamplebymakingoneofyourself。Ifthere’sdeceptionanywhere，itisn’tyouthatisdeceived；itisthemortals。Andwhocaresaboutthemortheiropinions？\"
\"Ineverthoughtofitinthatway，\"saidBurns。\"Ihatecaricatures——thatis，caricaturesofmyself。Ienjoycaricaturesofotherpeople，but——\"
\"Youhaveagreatdealofthemortalleftinyou，consideringthatyouposeasanimmortal，\"saidHomer，interruptingthespeaker。
\"Well，sohaveI，\"saidPhidias，resolvedtostandbyBurnsintheargument，\"andI’msorryforthemanwhohasn’t。Iwasamortalonce，andI’mgladofit。Ihadagoodtime，andIdon’tcarewhoknowsit。WhenIlookaboutmeandseeJupiter，thearch—snobofcreation，andMars，alittletinwarriorwhocouldn’thavefoughtasoldierlikeNapoleon，withallhisallegeddivinity，IthanktheFatesthattheyenabledmetoachieveimmortalitythroughmortaleffort。Hanghereditarygreatness，Isay。Thesemenwerebornimmortals。YouandIworkedforitandgotit。Weknowwhatitcost。Itwasoursbecauseweearnedit，andnotbecausewewereborntoit。Eh，Burns？\"
TheScotchmannoddedassent，andtheGreeksculptorwenton。
\"Iamnotvindictivemyself，Homer，\"hesaid。\"Nobodyhashurtme，and，onthewhole，Idon’tthinksculptureisinsuchabadway，afterall。There’sashoemakerIwotofinthemortalrealmswhocanturntheprettiestlastyoueversaw；andIencounteredacarverinaLondoneating—houselastmonthwhoturnedoutasliceofbeefthatwascutasartisticallyasIcouldhavedoneitmyself。WhatI
objecttochieflyisthetendencyofthetimes。Thisisanelectricalage，andmeninmyoldprofessionaren’tcontenttoturnoutonechef—d’oeuvreinalifetime。Theytakeordersbythegross。
Iwaiteduponinspiration。To—daythesculptorwaitsuponcustom，andanartistwillmakeabustofanybodyinanymaterialdesiredaslongasheissureofgettinghispayafterwards。Isawalife—sizestatueoftheinventorofanewkindoflardtheotherday，andwhatdoyousupposethematerialwas？Gold？Notbyagreatdeal。Ivory？
Marble，even？Notabitofit。Hewasdoneinlard，sir。Ihaveseenawoman’sheaddoneinbutter，too，anditmakesmedistinctlywearytothinkthatmyartshouldbebroughtsolow。\"
\"YoudidyourbestworkinGreece，\"chuckledHomer。
\"Abadjoke，mydearHomer，\"retortedPhidias。\"IthoughtsculpturewasgettingdowntoaprettylowebbwhenIhadtofashionfriezesoutofmarble；butmarbleismorepreciousthanrubiesalongsideofbutterandlard。\"
\"Eachhasitsuses，\"saidHomer。\"I’dratherhavebutteronmybreadthanmarble，butImustconfessthatforsculptureitisverypoorstuff，asyousay。\"
\"Itisindeed，\"saidPhidias。\"Forpracticeit’sallrighttousebutter，butforexhibitionpurposes——bah!\"
HerePhidias，toshowhiscontemptforbutterasrawmaterialinsculpture，seizedawoodentoothpick，andwithitmodelledabeautifulheadofMinervaoutofthepatthatstooduponthesmallplateathisside，andbeforeBurnscouldinterferehadspreadthechastefigureasthinlyashecoulduponapieceofbread，whichhetossedtotheshadeofahungrydogthatstoodyelpingontheriver—
bank。
\"Heavens!\"criedBurns。\"ImperiousCaesardeadandturnedtobricksisasnothingtoaMinervacarvedbyPhidiasusedtostaythehungerofaraveningcur。\"
\"Well，it’sthewayIfeel，\"saidPhidias，savagely。
\"Ithinkyouareatriflefoolishtobesoeternallyvexedaboutit，\"
saidHomer，soothingly。\"Ofcourseyoufeelbadly，but，afterall，what’stheuse？Youmustknowthatthemortalswouldpaymoreforoneofyourstatuesthantheywouldforaspecimenofanymodernsculptor’sart；yes，evenifyoursweremodelledinwine—jellyandtheotherfellow’sinpuregold。Sowhyrepine？\"
\"You’dfeelthesamewayifpoetsdidasimilarlyvulgarthing，\"
retortedPhidias；\"youknowyouwould。Ifyoushouldhearofapoetto—daywritingapoemonathinlayeroflardorbutter，youwouldyourselfbethefirsttocallahalt。\"
\"No，Ishouldn’t，\"saidHomer，quietly；\"infact，Iwishthepoetswoulddothat。We’dhavefewerbadpoemstoread；andthat’sthewayyoushouldlookatit。Iventuretosaythatifthismodernplanofmakingbustsandfriezesinbutterhadbeenadoptedatanearlierperiod，thepublicplacesinourgreatcitiesandournationalWalhallaswouldseemlesslikerepositoriesofcomicart，sincethefirstcriticalraysofawarmsunwouldhavereducedthecarvenatrocitiesthereintoaspotonthepavement。Thebutterschoolofsculpturehasitsadvantages，myboy，andyoushouldbecrowningtheinventorofthesystemwithlaurel，andnotheapingcoalsoffireuponhisbrow。\"
\"That，\"saidBurns，\"is，afterall，thesolidtruth，Phidias。Takethebrasscaricaturesofme，forinstance。Wherewouldtheybenowiftheyhadbeencastinlardinsteadofinbronze？\"
Phidiaswassilentamoment。
\"Well，\"hesaid，finally，asthevalueoftheplandawneduponhismind，\"fromthatpointofviewIdon’tknowbutwhatyouareright，afterall；and，toshowthatIhavespokeninnovindictivespirit，letmeproposeatoast。Here’stotheButterSculptors。Maytheirbutternevergiveout。\"
Thetoastwasdrainedtothedregs，andPhidiaswenthomefeelingalittlebetter。
CHAPTERX：STORY—TELLERS’NIGHT
ItwasStory—tellers’Nightatthehouseboat，andthebesttalkersofHadeswereimpressedintotheservice。DoctorJohnsonwasmadechairmanoftheevening。
\"Puthiminthechair，\"saidRaleigh。\"That’stheonlywaytokeephimfromtellingastoryhimself。Ifhestartsinonatalehe’llmakeitaserialsureasfate，butifyoumakehimthemediumthroughwhichotherstory—tellersareintroducedtotheclubhe’llbefinelyepigrammatic。Hecanbeveryshortandsharpwhenhe’stalkingaboutsomebodyelse。Personalityishisforte。\"
\"Greatscheme，\"saidDiogenes，whowaschairmanoftheentertainmentcommittee。\"Thenightsoverherearelong，butifJohnsonstartedonastorythey’dhavetoreachtwicearoundeternityandhalfwaybacktogivehimtimetofinishallhehadtosay。\"
\"He’snotverywitty，inmyjudgment，\"saidCarlyle，whosincehisarrivalintheotherworldhasmanifestedsomejealousyofSolomonandDoctorJohnson。
\"That’strueenough，\"saidRaleigh；\"buthe’sstrong，andhe’sboundtosaysomethingthatwillputtheaudienceinsympathywiththemanthatheintroduces，andthat’shalfthesuccessofaStory—tellers’
Night。I’vetoldstoriesmyself。Ifyouraudiencedoesn’tsympathizewithyouyou’dbebetteroffathomeputtingthebabytobed。\"
Andsoithappened。DoctorJohnsonwasmadechairman，andtheeveningcame。TheDoctorwasingreatform。Alistofthestory—
tellershadbeensenthiminadvance，andhewasprepared。TheaudiencewasaboutasselectaoneascanbefoundinHades。Thedoorswerethrownopentothefriendsofthemembers，andthesmoke—
furnacehadbeenfilledwithaverysuperiorqualityofArcadianmixturewhichScotthadbroughtbackfromahaunting—triptothehomeof\"TheLittleMinister，\"atThrums。
\"Friendsandfellow—spooks，\"theDoctorbegan，whenallwereseatedonthevisionarycamp—stools——which，bytheway，arefarsuperiortothoseinuseinaworldofrealities，becausetheydonotcreakinthemidstofafinepointdemandingabsolutesilenceforappreciation——\"IdonotknowwhyIhavebeenchosentopresideoverthisgatheringofphantoms；itistheprovinceofthepresidingofficeronoccasionsofthissorttosaypleasantthings，whichhedoesnotnecessarilyendorse，aboutthesundrypersonswhoaretodothestory—telling。Now，Isupposeyouallknowmeprettywellbythistime。Ifthereisanybodywhodoesn’t，I’llbegladtohavehimpresentedaftertheformalworkoftheeveningisover，andifI
don’tlikehimI’lltellhimso。YouknowthatifIcanbecounteduponforanyonethingitiscandor，andifIhurtthefeelingsofanyoftheseindividualswhomIintroduceto—night，IwantthemdistinctlytounderstandthatitisnotbecauseIlovethemless，butthatIlovetruthmore。Withthis——ah——blanketapology，asitwere，tocoverallpossibleemergenciesthatmayariseduringtheevening，Iwillbegin。Thefirstspeakerontheprogramme，Iregrettoobserve，ismyfriendGoldsmith。Affairsofthiskindoughttobeginwithasnap，andwhileOliverisamostexcellentwriter，asaspeakerheisapebblelessDemosthenes。IfIhadhadthearrangementoftheprogrammeIshouldhavehadGoldsmithtellhisstorywhiletherestofusweredown—stairsatsupper。However，wemustabidebyourprogramme，whichisunconscionablylong，forotherwisewewillnevergetthroughit。ThoseofyouwhoagreewithmeastothepleasureoflisteningtomyfriendGoldsmithwilldowelltojoinmeinthegrill—roomwhileheisspeaking，where，Iunderstand，thereisaveryfinelineofpunchesreadytobeserved。ModestNoll，willyoukindlyinflictyourselfuponthegathering，andsendmewordwhenyougetthrough，ifyoueverdo，sothatImayreturnandpresentnumbertwototheassembly，whoeverorwhateverhemaybe？\"
WiththesewordstheDoctorretired，andpoorGoldsmith，palewithfear，roseuptospeak。ItwasevidentthathewasquiteasdoubtfulofhisabilityasatalkeraswasJohnson。
\"I’mnotmuchofatalker，or，assomesay，speaker，\"hesaid。
\"Talkingisnotmyforte，asDoctorJohnsonhastoldyou，andIamthereforenotmuchatit。Speakingisnotinmyline。Icannotspeakortalk，asitwere，becauseIamnotparticularlyreadyatthemakingofaspeech，duepartlytothefactthatIamnotmuchofatalkeranyhow，andseldomifeverspeak。Iwillthereforenotboreyoubyattemptingtospeak，sinceaspeechbyonewholikemyselfis，asyouarepossiblyaware，notafluentnorindeedinanysenseaneloquentspeaker，isapttobeaboretothosewhowillbekindenoughtolistentomyremarks，butwillreadinsteadthefirstfivechaptersoftheVicarofWakefield。\"
\"Whosuggestedanysuchnightasthis，anyhow？\"growledCarlyle。
\"FivechaptersoftheVicarofWakefieldforastarter!Lordsaveus，we’llneedaVicarofSleepfieldifhe’sallowedtodothis!\"
\"Imoveweadjourn，\"saidDarwin。
\"Can’tsomethingbedonetokeeptheseyoungermembersquiet？\"askedSolomon，frowninguponCarlyleandDarwin。
\"Yes，\"saidDouglasJerrold。\"LetGoldsmithgoon。He’llhavethemasleepintenminutes。\"
Meanwhile，Goldsmithwasploddingearnestlythroughhisstint，utterlyandhappilyobliviousoftheeffecthewashavinguponhisaudience。
\"Thisisawful，\"whisperedWellingtontoBonaparte。
\"WorsethanWaterloo，\"repliedtheex—Emperor，withagrin；\"butwecanstopitinaminute。ArtemasWardtoldmeoncehowacamp—
meetingheattendedintheWestbrokeuptogooutsideandseeadog—
fight。Can’tyouandIpretendtoquarrel？ApersonalassaultbyyouonmewillwakethesepeopleupanddiscombobulateGoldsmith。
Saytheword——onlydon’thittoohard。\"
\"I’mwithyou，\"saidWellington。Whereupon，withagreatshowofheat，heroaredout，\"You？Never!I’mmoreafraidofaboywithabean—snapperthatIeverwasofyou!\"andfolloweduphisremarkbypullingBonaparte’scamp—chairfromunderhim，andlettingtheconquerorofAusterlitzfalltothefloorwithathudwhichIhavesincehearddescribedasdullandsickening。
Theeffectwasinstantaneous。ComparedtoapersonalencounterbetweenthetwogreatfiguresofWaterloo，areadingfromhisownworksbyGoldsmithseemedlackingintheelementsessentialtotheholdingofanaudience。Consequently，attentionwascentredinthebelligerentwarriors，and，bysomeoddmistake，whenapeace—lovingmemberoftheassemblage，realizingtheindecorousnessoftheincident，criedout，\"Puthimout!puthimout!\"theattendantsrushedin，and，takingpoorGoldsmithbyhiscollar，hustledhimoutthroughthedoor，acrossthedeck，andtossedhimashorewithoutreferencetothegang—plank。Thisaccomplished，apersonalexplanationoftheircoursewasmadebythequarrellinggenerals，and，peacehavingbeenrestored，acommitteewassentinsearchofGoldsmithwithsuitableapologies。Thegoodandkindlysoulreturned，buthavinglosthisbookinthemelee，muchtohisowngratification，aswellastothatoftheaudience，hewaspermittedtorestinquietthebalanceoftheevening。
\"Ishethrough？\"saidJohnson，pokinghisheadinatthedoorwhenorderwasrestored。
\"Yes，sir，\"saidBoswell；\"thatistosay，hehasretiredpermanentlyfromthefield。Hedidn’tfinish，though。\"
\"Fellow—spooks，\"beganJohnsononcemore，\"nowthatyouhavebeendelightedwiththehoneyedeloquenceofthelastspeaker，itismyprivilegetopresenttoyouthateminentfabulistBaronMunchausen，thegreatestunrealistofalltime，whowillgiveyouanexhibitionofhisparadoxicalpoweroflyingwhilestanding。\"
TheapplausewhichgreetedtheBaronwasdeafening。Hewas，beyondalldoubt，oneofthemostpopularmembersoftheclub。
\"Speakingofwhales，\"saidhe，leaninggracefullyagainstthetable。
\"Nobodyhasmentioned’em，\"saidJohnson。
\"True，\"retortedtheBaron；\"butyoualwayssuggestthembyyourapparentlyunquenchablethirstforspouting——speakingofwhales，myfriendJonah，aswellastherestofyou，maybeinterestedtoknowthatIoncehadanexperiencesimilartohisown，and，strangetosay，withtheidenticalwhale。\"
Jonaharosefromhisseatinthebackoftheroom。\"Idonotwishtobeunpleasant，\"hesaid，withastrongefforttobecalm，\"butIwishtoaskifJudgeBlackstoneisintheroom。\"
\"Iam，\"saidtheJudge，rising。\"WhatcanIdoforyou？\"
\"IdesiretoapplyforaninjunctionrestrainingtheBaronfromusingmywhaleinhisstory。Thatwhale，yourhonor，iscopyrighted，\"saidJonah。\"IfIhadanyotherclaimtotheaffectionofmankindthantheonewhichisbasedonmyexperiencewiththatleviathan，IwouldwillinglypermittheBarontointroducehimintohisstory；butthatwhale，yourhonor，ismystockintrade——heismyall。\"
\"IthinkJonah’spointiswelltaken，\"saidBlackstone，turningtotheBaron。\"Itwouldbeadistincthardship，Ithink，iftheplaintiffinthisactionweretobedeprivedoftheexclusiveuseofhissoleaccessory。Theinjunctionprayedforisthereforegranted。
Thecourtwouldsuggest，however，thattheBaroncontinuewithhisstory，usinganotherwhaleforthepurpose。\"
\"Itisimpossible，\"saidMunchausen，gloomily。\"ThewholepointofthestorydependsuponitshavingbeenJonah’swhale。Underthecircumstances，theonlythingIcandoistositdown。IregretthenarrownessofmindexhibitedbymyfriendJonah，butImustrespectthedecisionofthecourt。\"
\"ImusttakeexceptiontotheBaron’sallusiontomynarrownessofmind，\"saidJonah，withsomeshowofheat。\"Iamsimplydefendingmyrights，andIintendtocontinuetodosoifthewholeworldunitesinconsideringmymindamereslotscarcelywideenoughfortheinsertionofanickel。Thatwhalewasmydiscovery，andthepersonaldiscomfortIenduredinperfectingmyexperiencewassuchthatI
resolvedtorestmyreputationuponhisbroadproportionsonly——tosinkorswimwithhim——andIcannotatthislatedaypermitanothertocrowdmeoutofhisexclusiveuse。\"
Jonahsatdownandfannedhimself，andtheBaron，withalookofdisgustonhisface，lefttheroom。
\"Uptohisoldtricks，\"hegrowledashewent。\"Hequeerseverythinghegoesinto。IfI’dknownhewasamemberofthisclubI’dneverhavejoined。\"
\"Wedonotappeartobeprogressingveryrapidly，\"saidDoctorJohnson，rising。\"Sofarwehavemadetwoeffortstohavestoriestold，andhavemetwithdisastereachtime。Idon’tknowbutwhatyouaretobecongratulated，however，onyourescape。Veryfewofyou，Iobserve，haveasyetfallenasleep。Thenextnumberontheprogramme，Isee，isBoswell，whowastohaveentertainedyouwithafewreminiscences；Isaywastohavedoneso，becauseheisnottodoso。\"
\"I’mready，\"saidBoswell，rising。
\"Nodoubt，\"retortedJohnson，severely，\"butIamnot。Youareamanwithonesubject——myself。Iadmitit’sagoodsubject，butyouarenotthemantotreatofit——here。Youmaysufficeformortals，buthereitisdifferent。Icanspeakformyself。YoucangooutandsitonthebanksoftheVitriolReservoirandlecturetotheimpsifyouwantto，butwhenitcomestoreminiscencesofmeI’mondeckmyself，andIflattermyselfIrememberwhatIsaidanddidmoreaccuratelythanyoudo。Therefore，gentlemen，insteadoflisteningtoBoswellatthispoint，youwillkindlyexcusehimandlistentome。Ahem!WhenIwasaboy——\"
\"Excuseme，\"saidSolomon，rising；\"abouthowlongisthis——ah——thisentertainingdiscourseofyourstocontinue？\"
\"UntilIgetthrough，\"returnedJohnson，wrathfully。
\"Areyouaware，sir，thatIamontheprogramme？\"askedSolomon。
\"Iam，\"saidtheDoctor。\"Withthatinmind，forthesakeofourfellow—spookswhoarepresent，Iamverymuchinclinedtokeeponforever。WhenIwasaboy——\"
Carlyleroseupatthispoint。
\"Ishouldliketoask，\"hesaid，mildly，\"ifthisissupposedtobeanaudienceofchildren？I，forone，havenowishtolistentothejuvenilestoriesofDoctorJohnson。Furthermore，Ihavecomehereparticularlyto—nighttohearBoswell。IwanttocomparehimwithFroude。Ithereforeprotestagainst——\"
\"Thereisarooftothishouse—boat，\"saidDoctorJohnson。\"IfMr。
CarlylewillretiretotheroofwithBoswellIhavenodoubthecanbeaccommodated。AsforSolomon’sinterruption，Icanaffordtopassthatoverwiththesilentcontemptitdeserves，thoughImayaddwithproprietythatIconsiderhismostfamousproverbsthemostabsurdbitsofhack—workIeverencountered；andasforthatstoryaboutdividingababybetweentwomothersbysplittingitintwo，itwasgrosslyinhumanunlessthebabywastwins。WhenIwasaboy——\"
AstheDoctorproceeded，CarlyleandSolomon，accompaniedbythenowangryBoswell，lefttheroom，andmyaccountoftheStory—tellers’
Nightmustperforcestop；because，thoughIhaveneverheretoforeconfessedit，allmyinformationconcerningthehouse—boatontheStyxhasbeenderivedfromthememorandaofBoswell。Itmaybeinterestingtothereadertolearn，however，that，accordingtoBoswell’saccount，theStory—tellers’Nightwasneverfinished；butwhetherthismeansthatitbrokeupimmediatelyafterwardsinariot，orthatDoctorJohnsonisstillatworkdetailinghisreminiscences，Iamnotaware，andIcannotatthemomentofwritingascertain，forBoswell，whenIhavethepleasureofmeetinghim，invariablyavoidsthesubject。
CHAPTERXI：ASTOSAURIANSANDOTHERS
ItwasNoahwhospoke。
\"I’mglad，\"hesaid，\"thatwhenIembarkedatthetimeoftheheavyrainsthatdidsomuchdamageintheolddays，thereweren’tanydogslikethatfellowCerberusabout。IfI’dhadtofeedalotofthree—
headedbeastslikehimtheArkwouldhaverunshortofprovisionsinsideoftendays。\"
\"That’sverylikelytrue，\"observedMr。Barnum；\"butImustconfess，mydearNoah，thatyoushowedalamentablelackoftheshowman’sinstinctwhenyouselectedtheanimalsyoudid。Amorecommonplacelotofbeastswerenevergatheredtogether，andwhileAdamisheldresponsiblefortheintroductionofsinintotheworld，Iattributemostofmyoffencestononeotherthanyourself。\"
Themembersoftheclubdrewtheirchairsalittlecloser。Theconversationhadopenedatriflespicily，and，furthermore，theyhadretainedenoughoftheirmortalitytobeinterestedinanimalstories。Adam，whohadmanagedtosettlehisbackduesanddelinquenthouse—charges，andoncemoreacquiredtheprivilegesoftheclub，noddedhisheadgratefullyatMr。Barnum。
\"I’mgladtofindsomeone，\"saidhe，\"whoplacestheresponsibilityfortroublewhereitbelongs。I’mround—shoulderedwiththeblameI’vehadtobear。Ididn’tinventsinanymorethanIinventedthetelephone，andIthinkit’sratherroughonafellowwholivedaquiet，retiring，pastorallife，mindinghisownbusinessandstayinghomenights，tobehelduptopublicreprobationforaslongatimeasIhave。\"
\"It’llbeallrightintime，\"saidRaleigh；\"justwait——bepatient，andyourvindicationwillcome。NobodythoughtmuchoftheplaysBaconandIwroteforShakespeareuntilShakespeare’dbeendeadacentury。\"
\"Humph!\"saidAdam，gloomily。\"Wait!WhathaveIbeendoingallthistime？I’vewaitedallthetimethere’sbeensofar，anduntilMr。BarnumspokeashedidIhaven’tobservedtheslightestinclinationonthepartofanybodytorehabilitatemylostreputation。NordoIseeexactlyhowit’stocomeaboutevenifIdowait。\"
\"Youmightapplyforaninvestigatingcommitteetolookintothecharges，\"suggestedanAmericanpolitician，justover。\"Getyourfriendsonit，andyou’llbeallright。\"
\"Betterletsleepingdogslie，\"saidBlackstone。
\"Iintendto，\"saidAdam。\"Thefactis，Ihatetogiveanyfurtherpublicitytothematter。EvenifIdidbringthecaseintocourtandsueforlibel，I’veonlygotonewitnesstoprovemyinnocence，andthat’smywife。I’mnotgoingtodragherintoit。She’sgotnervousprostrationoverherpositionasitis，andthiswouldmakeitworse。QueenElizabethandtherestofthesesnobsinsocietywon’tinvitehertoanyoftheirfunctionsbecausetheysayshehadn’tanygrandfather；andevenifshewerereceivedbythem，she’dbeuncomfortablegoingabout。Itisn’tpleasantforawomantofeelthateveryoneknowsshe’stheoldestwomanintheroom。\"
\"Well，takemywordforit，\"saidRaleigh，kindly。\"It’llallcomeoutallright。Youknowtheoldsaying，’Historyrepeatsitself。’
SomedayyouwillbelivingbackinEdenagain，andifyouareonlycarefultomakeanexactrecordofallyoudo，andhaveanotarypresent，beforewhomyoucanmakeanaffidavitastothefacts，youwillbeabletodemonstrateyourinnocence。\"
\"Iwasonlycondemnedonhearsayevidence，anyhow，\"saidAdam，ruefully。
\"Nonsense；youwerecaughtred—handed，\"saidNoah；\"mygrandfathertoldmeso。AndnowthatI’vegotachancetoslipinawordedgewise，I’dlikemightilytohaveyouexplainyourstatement，Mr。
Barnum，thatIamresponsibleforyourerrors。Thatisaseriouschargetobringagainstamanofmyreputation。\"
\"Imeansimplythis：thattomakeashowinteresting，\"saidMr。
Barnum，\"amanhasgottoprovideinterestingmaterials，that’sall。
Idonotmeantosayawordthatisinanywayderogatorytoyourmorality。Youwereasurprisinglygoodmanforasea—captain，andwiththeexceptionofthatoneoccasionwhenyou——ah——youallowedyourselftobestrandedonthebar，ifImaysoputit，Iknowofnothingtobesaidagainstyouasamoral，temperateperson。\"
\"Thatwasonlyanaccident，\"saidNoah，reddening。\"Youcan’texpectamansixhundredoddyearsofage——\"
\"Certainlynot，\"saidRaleigh，soothingly，\"andnobodythinkslessofyouforit。Consideringhowyoumusthavehatedthesightofwater，thewonderofitisthatitdidn’tbecomeafixedhabit。LetushearwhatitisthatMr。Barnumdoescriticiseinyou。\"
\"Histaste，that’sall，\"saidMr。Barnum。\"Icontendthat，comparedtotheanimalshemighthavehad，theoneshedidhavewereasant—
hillstoAlps。ThereweremoremagnificentzoosallowedtodieoutthroughNoah’slackofjudgmentthanonelikestothinkof。TaketheProterosaurus，forinstance。Whereonearthdowefindhisequalto—
day？\"
\"Yououghttobemightygladyoucan’tfindonelikehim，\"putinAdam。\"Ifyou’dspentaweekintheGardenofEdenwithme，withlizardseightfeetlongdroppingoutofthetreesontoyourlapwhileyouweretryingtotakeaSunday—afternoonnap，you’dbewillingtodispensewiththingsofthatsortforthebalanceofyournaturallife。Ifyouwanttogetanideaofthatexperienceletsomebodydropacalfonyousomeafternoon。\"
\"Iamnotsayinganythingaboutthat，\"returnedBarnum。\"Itwouldbeunpleasanttohaveanelephantdropononeafterthefashionofwhichyouspeak，butIamgladtheelephantwassavedjustthesame。I
haven’tadvocatedtheProterosaurusasaSunday—afternoonsurprise，butasanattractionforashow。Istillmaintainthatalizardasbigasacowwouldprovealodestone，thedrawingpowersofwhichthepocket—moneyofthesmallboywouldbeutterlyunabletoresist。
ThentherewastheIguanadon。He’dhavebroughtafortunetothebox—office——\"
\"Whichyou’dhaveimmediatelylost，\"retortedNoah，\"payingrent。
Whenyougetareptileofhissize，thatreachesthirtyfeetupintotheairwhenhestandsonhishind—legs，theordinarycircuswagonofcommercecan’tbemadetoholdhim，andyourmenagerie—roomhastohaveceilingssohighthateverypennyhebroughttothebox—officewouldbespentstoringhim。\"
\"Mischievous，too，\"saidAdam，\"thatIguanadon。Youcouldn’tkeepanythingoutofhisreach。Weusedtoforbidanimalsofhiskindtoenterthegarden，butthatdidn’tbotherhim；he’dstanduponhishind—legsandreachoverandstealanythinghe’dhappentowant。\"
\"Icouldhaveusedhimforafire—escape，\"saidMr。Barnum；\"andasformyinabilitytoprovidehimwithquarters，I’dhavemetthatproblemafterashortwhile。I’vealwayslamentedtheabsence，too，oftheMegalosaurus——\"
\"Whichsimplyshowshowignorantyouare，\"retortedNoah。\"Why，mydearfellow，itwouldhavetakenthewholeofanordinaryzoosuchasyourstogivetheMegalosaurusalunch。Thosefellowswouldeatarhinocerosaseasilyasyou’dcrackapeanut。IdidhaveacoupleofMegalosauriansonmyboatforjusttwenty—fourhours，andthenI
chuckedthembothoverboard。IfI’dkeptthemtendayslongerthey’dhaveeateneveryblessedbeastIhadwithme，andyourZoowouldn’thavehadanythingelsebutMegalosaurians。\"
\"Papaisrightaboutthat，Mr。Barnum，\"saidShem。\"ThewholeSauriantribewasafearfulnuisance。AboutfourhundredyearsbeforethefloodIhadapetCreosaurusthatIkeptinourbarn。Hewasacunninglittledevil——fulloftricks，andallthat；butwenevercouldkeepacoworahorseontheplacewhilehewasabout。
They’dmysteriouslydisappear，andweneverknewwhatbecameof’emuntilonemorningwesurprisedFidoin——\"
\"Surprisedwho？\"askedDoctorJohnson，scornfully。
\"Fido，\"returnedShem。\"’ThatwasmyCreosaurus’sname。\"
\"Lordsaveus!Fido!\"criedJohnson。\"WhatanameforaCreosaurus!\"
\"Well，whatofit？\"askedShem，angrily。\"Youwouldn’thaveuscallamastodonlikethatFanny，wouldyou，orTatters？\"
\"Goon，\"saidJohnson；\"I’venothingtosay。\"
\"ShallIsendforaphysician？\"putinBoswell，lookinganxiouslyathischief，thesituationwassoextraordinary。
SolomonandCarlylegiggled；andtheDoctorhavingpolitelyrequestedBoswelltogotoawarmersectionofthecountry，Shemresumed。
\"IcaughthimintheactofswallowingfivecowsandHam’sfavoritetrotter，sulkyandall。\"
BaronMunchausenroseupandlefttheroom。
\"Ifthey’regoingtolieI’mgoingtogetout，\"hesaid，ashepassedthroughtheroom。
\"WhatbecameofFido？\"askedBoswell。
\"Thesulkykilledhim，\"returnedShem，innocently。\"Hecouldn’tdigestthewheels。\"
Noahlookedapprovinglyathisson，and，turningtoBarnum，observed，quietly：
\"Whathesaysistrue，andIwillgofurtherandsaythatitismybeliefthatyouwouldhavefoundtheshowbusinessimpossibleifI
hadtakenthatsortofcreatureaboard。You’dhavegotmightilydiscouragedafteryourAntediluvianshadchewedupafewdozensteamcalliopes，andeateneveryotherable—bodiedexhibityouhadmanagedtosecure。I’dhavetriedtosaveacoupleofDiscosauriansifI
hadn’tsupposedtheywereabletotakecareofthemselves。A
combinationofsea—serpentanddragon，withanecktwenty—twofeetlong，itseemedtome，oughttohavebeenabletorideoutanystormorfallofrain；butthereIwaswrong，andIamfreetoadmitmyerror。Itneveroccurredtomethatthesea—serpentswereinanydanger，soIletthemalone，withtheresultthatIneversawbutoneother，andhewasonlyanillusionduetothatunhappyuseofstimulantstowhich，withshockingbadtaste，youhavechosentorefer。\"
\"Ididn’tmeantocallupunpleasantmemories，\"saidBarnum。\"I
neverbelievedyougothalf—seasover，anyhow；but，toreturntoourmuttons，whydidn’tyouhanddownafewvarietiesoftheTheriumfamilytoposterity？ThereweretheDinotheriumandtheMegatherium，eitheroneofwhichwouldhaveknockedspotsoutofanyleopardthateverwasmade，andalongsideofwhichevenmywoollyhorsewouldhavepaledintoinsignificance。That’swhatIcan’tunderstandinyourselections；withMegatheriumstoburn，whysaveleopardsandpanthersandothersuchevery—daycreatures？\"
\"WhatkindofaboatdoyousupposeIhad？\"criedNoah。\"Doyouimagineforamomentthatshewasfourmilesonthewater—line，withamileandthree—quartersbeam？IfI’dhadapairofDinotheriumsinthesternofthatArk，she’dhavetippedupforeandaft，untilshe’dhavelookedlikeatelegraph—poleinthewater，andifI’dput’emamidshipsthey’dhavehadtobewedgedinsotightlytheycouldn’tmovetokeepthevesseltrim。Ididn’tgotosea，myfriend，forthepurposeofbeingtippedoverinmid—oceaneverytimeoneofmycargowantedtoshifthisweightfromonelegtotheother。\"
\"Itwasbadenoughwiththeelephants，wasn’tit，papa？\"saidShem。
\"Yes，indeed，myson，\"returnedthepatriarch。\"Itwasbadenoughwiththeelephants。Wehadtoshiftourballasthalfadozentimesadaytokeeptheboatfromtravellingonherbeamends，theelephantsmovedaboutsomuch；andwhenwecametothequestionofprovender，ittookupaboutnine—tenthsofourholdtostorehayandpeanutsenoughtokeepthemaliveandgood—tempered。Onthewhole，Ithinkit’sratherlateintheday，consideringthetroubleItooktosaveanythingbutmyselfandmyfamily，tobecriticisedasInowam。Yououghttobemuchobligedtomeforsavinganyanimalsatall。Mostpeopleinmypositionwouldhavebuiltayachtforthemselvesandfamily，andleteverythingelseslide。\"
\"Thatisquitetrue，\"observedRaleigh，withapacificatorynodatNoah。\"Youwereeminentlyunselfish，andwhile，withMr。Barnum，I
exceedinglyregretthattheSauriansandTheriiandothertribeswereleftonthepierwhenyousailed，Ineverthelessthinkthatyoushowedmostexcellentjudgmentatthetime。\"
\"Hewastheonlymanwhohadanyatall，forthatmatter，\"suggestedShem，\"anditrequiredallhiscouragetoshowit。Everybodywasguyinghim。Sinnersstoodaroundtheyardalldayandeveryday，criticisingthemodel；onescofferpretendedhethoughtheracanal—
boat，andaskedhowdeepthefloodwaslikelytobeonthetow—path，andwhetherweintendedtousemulesinshallowwaterandgiraffesindeep；anotheraskedwhattimeallowanceweexpectedtogetinafifteen—milerun，andhintedthatayearandtwomonthspermilestruckhimasbeingtheproperthing——\"
\"Itwasfarfrompleasant，\"saidNoah，tappinghisfingerstogetherreflectively。\"Idon’twanttogothroughitagain，andif，asRaleighsuggests，historyislikelytorepeatherself，I’llsubletthecontracttoBarnumhere，andlethimgetthechaff。\"
\"Itwasallrightintheend，though，dad，\"saidShem。\"Wehadthegreatlaughon’hoipolloi’theseconddayout。\"
\"Wedid，indeed，\"saidNoah。\"Whenwetold’emweonlycarriedfirst—classpassengersandhadnoroomforemigrants，theybegantoseethattheArkwasn’tsuchanoldtub，afterall；andagoodninetypercent。ofthemwouldhavegiventendollarsforalittleofthattimeallowancethey’dbeentalkingtousaboutforseveralcenturies。\"
Noahlapsedintoamusingsilence，andBarnumrosetoleave。
\"Istillwishyou’dsavedaDiscosaurus，\"hesaid。\"Acreaturewithanecktwenty—twofeetlongwouldhavebeenagoldminetome。Hecouldhavebeentrainedtostandinthering，andbystretchingouthisneckbitethelittleboyswhosneakinunderthetentandoccupyseatsonthetoprow。\"
\"Well，foryoursake，\"saidNoah，withasmile，\"I’mverysorry；butformyown，I’mquitesatisfiedwiththegeneralresults。\"
Andtheyallagreedthatthepatriarchhadeveryreasontobepleasedwithhimself。
CHAPTERXII：THEHOUSE—BOATDISAPPEARS
QueenElizabeth，attendedbyOpheliaandXanthippe，waswalkingalongtheriver—bank。Itwasabeautifulautumnday，although，owingtocertainclimaticpeculiaritiesofHades，itseemedmorelikemidsummer。Themercuryintheclubthermometerwasnervouslyclickingagainstthetopofthecrystaltube，andpoorCerberuswashavingallhecoulddowithhisthreemouthssnappingupthepestiferouslittleshadesofby—gonegnatsthatseemedtotakeanalmostunholypleasureinalightinguponhisvariousnosesandears。
Opheliawasdoingmostofthetalking。
\"IamsureIhaveneverwishedtorideoneofthem，\"shesaid，positively。\"Inthefirstplace，Idonotseewherethepleasureofitcomesin，and，inthesecond，itseemstomeasifskirtsmustbedangerous。Iftheyshouldcatchinoneofthepedals，wherewouldI
be？\"
\"Inthehospitalshortly，methinks，\"saidQueenElizabeth。
\"Well，Ishouldn’twearskirts，\"snappedXanthippe。\"Ifaman’swifecan’tborrowsomeofherhusband’sclothingtoreduceherperiltoaminimum，whatistheuseofhavingahusband？WhenItaketothebicycle，which，inspiteofallSocratescansay，Ifullyintendtodo，Ishallhaveaman’swheel，andIshallwearSocrates’olddress—
clothes。IfHadesdoesn’tlikeit，Hadesmaysuffer。\"
\"Idon’tseehowSocrates’clotheswillhelpyou，\"observedOphelia。
\"Heworeskirtshimself，justlikealltheotheroldGreeks。Histogawouldbequiteasapttocatchinthegearasyourskirts。\"
Xanthippelookedpuzzledforamoment。ItwasevidentthatshehadnotthoughtofthepointwhichOpheliahadbroughtup——strong—mindedladiesofherkindareaptsometimestooverlookimportantlinksinsuchchainsofevidenceastheyfeelcalledupontouseinbindingthemselvestotheirrights。
\"Thewomenofyourdaywererelievedofthatdressproblem，atanyrate，\"laughedQueenElizabeth。
\"Thewomenofmyday，\"retortedXanthippe，\"inmattersofdressweretheequalsoftheirhusbands——inmyfamilyparticularly；nowtheyhavelosttheirrights，andaremadetoconfinethemselvesstilltogarmentslikethoseofyore，whilemanhasarrogatedtohimselfthesoleandexclusiveuseofsanehabiliments。However，thatisapartfromthequestion。IwassayingthatIshallhaveaman’swheel，andshallwearSocrates’olddress—clothestorideitin，ifSocrateshastogooutandbuyanolddress—suitforthepurpose。\"
TheQueenarchedherbrowsandlookedinquiringlyatXanthippeforamoment。
\"Amagnificentoldmaidwaslosttotheworldwhenyoumarried，\"shesaid。\"Feelingasyoudoaboutmen，mydearXanthippe，Idon’tseewhyyouevertookahusband。\"
\"Humph!\"retortedXanthippe。\"Ofcourseyoudon’t。Youdidn’tneedahusband。Youwerebornwithsomethingtogovern。Iwasn’t。\"
\"Howaboutyourtemper？\"suggestedOphelia，meekly。
Xanthippesniffedfrigidlyatthisremark。
\"InevershouldhavegonecrazyoveramanifI’dremainedunmarriedfortythousandyears，\"sheretorted，severely。\"ImarriedSocratesbecauseIlovedhimandadmiredhissculpture；butwhenhegaveupsculptureandbecameathinkerhesimplytriedmebeyondallendurance，hewassothoughtless，withtheresultthat，havingventuredonceortwicetoshowmynaturalresentment，Ihavebeenhandeddowntoposterityasashrew。I’venevercomplained，andI
don’tcomplainnow；butwhenawomanismarriedtoaphilosopherwhoissotakenupwithhisstudiesthatwhenherisesinthemorninghedoesn’tlookwhatheisdoing，andgoesofftohisbusinessinhiswife’sclothes，Ithinksheisentitledtoacertainamountofsympathy。\"
\"Andyetyouwishtowearhis，\"persistedOphelia。
\"Turnaboutisfair—play，\"saidXanthippe。\"I’vesufferedsomuchonhisaccountthatontheprincipleofaverageshedeservestohavealittledropofbittersinhisnectar。\"
\"Youaresimplythevictimofman’sdeceit，\"saidElizabeth，wishingtomollifythenowangryXanthippe，whowasonthevergeoftears。
\"Iunderstoodmen，fortunately，andsonevermarried。Iknewmyfather，andevenifIhadn’tbeenawiseenoughchildtoknowhim，I
shouldnothavewed，becausehemarriedenoughtolastonefamilyforseveralyears。\"
\"Youmusthavehadahardtimerefusingallthoselovelymen，though，\"sighedOphelia。\"Ofcourse，SirWalterwasn’tashandsomeasmydearHamlet，buthewasveryfetching。\"
\"Icannotdenythat，\"saidElizabeth，\"andIdidn’treallyhavethehearttosaynowhenheaskedme；butIdidtellhimthatifhemarriedmeIshouldnotbecomeMrs。Raleigh，butthatheshouldbecomeKingElizabeth。HefledtoVirginiaonthenextsteamer。Mydiplomacyridmeofaveryunpleasantduty。\"
Chattingthus，thethreefamousspiritspassedslowlyalongthepathuntiltheycametotheshelterednookinwhichthehouse—boatlayatanchor。
\"There’sacaseinpoint，\"saidXanthippe，asthehouse—boatloomedupbeforethem。\"Allthatluxuryisformen；wewomenarenotpermittedtocrossthegangplank。Ourhusbandsandbrothersandfriendsgothere；thedoorclosesonthem，andtheyareascompletelylosttousasthoughtheyneverexisted。Wedon’tknowwhatgoesoninthere。Socratestellsmethattheiramusementsareofamostinnocentnature，buthowdoIknowwhathemeansbythat？
Furthermore，itkeepshimfromhome，whileIhavetostayathomeandbeentertainedbymysons，whomtheEncyclopaediaBritannicarightlycallsdullandfatuous。Inotherwords，clublifeforhim，anddulnessandfatuityforme。\"
\"Ithinkmyselfthey’reratherqueeraboutlettingwomenintothatboat，\"saidQueenElizabeth。\"Butitisn’tSirWalter’sfault。HetoldmehetriedtohavethemestablishaLadies’Day，andthattheyagreedtodoso，buthavesinceresistedallhiseffortstohaveadatesetforthefunction。\"
\"Itwouldbegreatfuntostealintherenow，wouldn’tit，\"giggledOphelia。\"Theredoesn’tseemtobeanybodyabouttopreventourdoingso。\"
\"That’strue，\"saidXanthippe。\"Allthewindowsareclosed，asiftherewasn’tasoulthere。I’vehalfamindtotakeapeepinatthehouse。\"
\"Iamwithyou，\"saidElizabeth，herfacelightingupwithpleasure。
Itwasagreatnovelty，andanunpleasantonetoher，tofindsomeplacewhereshecouldnotgo。\"Let’sdoit，\"sheadded。
Sothethreewomentiptoedsoftlyupthegang—plank，and，silentlyboardingthehouse—boat，peepedinatthewindows。Whattheysawmerelywhettedtheircuriosity。
\"Imustseemore，\"criedElizabeth，rushingaroundtothedoor，whichopenedathertouch。XanthippeandOpheliafollowedcloseonherheels，andshortlytheyfoundthemselves，open—mouthedinwonderingadmiration，inthebilliard—roomofthefloatingpalace，andRichard，theghostofthebestbilliard—roomattendantinoroutofHades，stoodbeforethem。
\"Excuseme，\"hesaid，verymuchupsetbythesuddenapparitionoftheladies。\"I’mverysorry，butladiesarenotadmittedhere。\"
\"Weareequallysorry，\"retortedElizabeth，assuminghermostimperiousmanner，\"thatyourmastershaveseenfittoprohibitourbeinghere；but，nowthatwearehere，weintendtomakethemostoftheopportunity，particularlyasthereseemtobenomembersabout。
Whathasbecomeofthemall？\"
Richardsmiledbroadly。\"Idon’tknowwheretheyare，\"hereplied；
butitwasevidentthathewasnottellingtheexacttruth。
\"Oh，come，myboy，\"saidtheQueen，kindly，\"youdoknow。SirWaltertoldmeyoukneweverything。Wherearethey？\"
\"Well，ifyoumustknow，ma’am，\"returnedRichard，captivatedbytheQueen’smanner，\"they’veallgonedowntherivertoseeaprize—fightbetweenGoliathandSamson。\"
\"Seethere!\"criedXanthippe。\"That’swhatthisclubmakespossible。
SocratestoldmehewascomingheretotakeluncheonwithCarlyle，andthey’vebothof’emgoneofftoadisgustingprize—fight!\"
\"Yes，ma’am，theyhave，\"saidRichard；\"andifGoliathwins，Idon’tthinkMr。Socrateswillgethomethisevening。\"
\"Betting，eh？\"saidXanthippe，scornfully。
\"Yes，ma’am，\"returnedRichard。
\"Moreclub!\"criedXanthippe。
\"Ohno，ma’am，\"saidRichard。\"Bettingisnotallowedintheclub；
they’reverystrictaboutthat。Buttheshoreisonlytenfeetoff，ma’am，andthegentlemenalwaysgoashoreandmaketheirbets。\"
DuringthislittlecolloquyElizabethandOpheliawerewanderingabout，admiringeverythingtheysaw。
\"IdowishLucretiaBorgiaandCalpurniacouldseethis。IwonderiftheCaesarsareonthetelephone，\"Elizabethsaid。InvestigationshowedthatboththeBorgiasandtheCaesarswereonthewire，andinshortorderthetwoladieshadbeenmadeacquaintedwiththestateofaffairsatthehouse—boat；andastheywerebothquiteasanxioustoseetheinteriorofthemuch—talked—ofclub—houseastheothers，theywerenotlonginarriving。Furthermore，theybroughtwiththemhalfadozenmoreladies，amongwhomwereDesdemonaandCleopatra，andthenbeganthemostextraordinarysessionthehouse—boateverknew。
Ameetingwascalled，withElizabethinthechair，andallthebestladiesoftheStygianrealmswereelectedmembers。Xanthippe，amidthegreatestapplause，movedthateverymalememberoftheorganizationbeexpelledforconductunworthyofagentlemaninattendingaprize—fight，andencouragingtwosuchhorriblecreaturesasGoliathandSamsonintheirnefariouspursuits。Desdemonasecondedthemotion，anditwascarriedwithoutadissentingvoice，althoughMrs。Caesar，withbecomingdignity，merelysmiledapproval，notcaringtotakeparttooactivelyintheproceedings。
Themenhavingthusbeendisposedofinasummaryfashion，RichardwaselectedJanitorinCharon’splace，andtheclubwasentirelyreorganized，withCleopatraaspermanentPresident。Themeetingthenadjourned，andtheinvaderssetaboutenjoyingtheirnewlyacquiredprivileges。Thesmoking—roomwasthrongedforafewmoments，butowingtotheextraordinarystrengthofthetobaccowhichthefaithfulRichardshovelledintothefurnace，itdevelopednoenduringpopularity，Xanthippe，withasuddenlyacquiredpallor，beingthefirsttorenouncethepastimeasrevolting。
Sofastandfuriouswastheenjoymentofthesethirstysouls，solongdeprivedoftheirrights，thatnightcameonwithouttheirobservingit，andwiththenightwasbroughtthegreatperilintowhichtheywerethrown，andfromwhichatthemomentofwritingtheyhadnotbeenextricated，andwhich，tomyregret，hascutmeoffforthepresentfromanyfurtherinformationconnectedwiththeAssociatedShadesandtheirbeautifullounging—place。HadtheynotbeensointentupontheinnerbeautiesoftheHouse—boatontheStyxtheymighthaveobservedapproaching，undertheshadowofthewesterlyshore，along，rakishcraftpropelledbyoars，whichdippedsoftlyandsilentlyandwithtrainedprecisioninthenowjet—blackwatersoftheStyx。Manningtheoarswereadozenevil—visagedruffians，whileinthesternoftheapproachingvesseltheresatagrim—faced，weather—beatenspirit，armedtotheteeth，hiscoatsleevesbearingtheskullandcross—bones，theinsigniaofpiracy。
Thisboat，stealinguptheriverlikeathiefinthenight，containedCaptainKiddandhispiratecrew，andtheirmissionwasamissionofvengeance。Toputthematterbrieflyandplainly，CaptainKiddwassmartingundertheindignitywhichtheclubhadrecentlyputuponhim。Hehadbeenunanimouslyblackballed，evenhisproposerandseconder，whohadbeenbrowbeatenintonominatinghimformembership，votingagainsthim。
\"Imaybeapirate，\"hecried，whenheheardwhattheclubhaddone，\"butIhavefeelings，andtheAssociatedShadeswillrepenttheiraction。Thetimewillcomewhenthey’llfindthatIhavetheirclub—
house，andtheyhave——itsdebts。\"
Itwasforthispurposethatthegreatterroroftheseashadcomeuponthis，thefirstfavorableopportunity。Kiddknewthatthehouse—boatwasunguarded；hisspieshadtoldhimthatthemembershadeveryonegonetothefight，andheresolvedthatthetimehadcometoact。HedidnotknowthattheFateshadhelpedtomakehisvengeanceallthemoreterribleandwitheringbyputtingthemostattractiveandfashionableladiesoftheStygiancountrylikewiseinhispower；butsoitwas，andthey，poorsouls，whilethisfiend，relentlessandcruel，wasslowlyapproaching，sangonanddancedoninblissfulunconsciousnessoftheirperil。
Inlessthanfiveminutesfromthetimewhenhissinister—craftroundedthebendKiddandhiscrewhadboardedthehouse—boat，cutherloosefromhermoorings，andintenminutesshehadsailedawayintothegreatunknown，andwithherwentsomeofthemostpreciousgemsinthesocialdiademofHades。
Therestofmystoryissoontold。Thewholecountrywasarousedwhenthecrimewasdiscovered，butuptothedateofthisnarrativenowordhasbeenreceivedofthemissingcraftandherpreciouscargo。RaleighandCaesarhavehadtheseasscouredinsearchofher，Hamlethasofferedhiskingdomforherreturn，butunavailingly；
andthemenofHadeswerecastintoagloomfromwhichthereseemstobenorelief。
Socratesalonewasunaffected。
\"They’llcomebacksomeday，mydearRaleigh，\"hesaid，astheknightburiedhisface，weeping，inhishands。\"Sowhyrepine？I’llneverlosemyXanthippe——permanently，thatis。Iknowthat，forIamaphilosopher，andIknowthereisnosuchthingasluck。Andwecanstartanotherclub。\"
\"Verylikely，\"sighedRaleigh，wipinghiseyes。\"Idon’tmindtheclubsomuch，buttothinkofthosepoorwomen——\"
\"Oh，they’reallright，\"returnedSocrates，withalaugh。\"Caesar’swifeisalong，andyoucan’tdisputethefactthatshe’sagoodchaperon。Givetheladiesachance。They’vebeenafterourclubforyears；nowlet’emhaveit，andletushopethattheylikeit。Ordermeupahemlocksour，andlet’sdrinktotheirenjoymentofclublife。\"
Whichwasdone，andI，inspirit，drankwiththem，forIsincerelyhopethatthe\"NewWomen\"ofHadesarehavingagoodtime。
