ExitBARDOLPHFORDSir，Iamagentlemanthathavespentmuch；mynameisBrook。FALSTAFFGoodMasterBrook，Idesiremoreacquaintanceofyou。FORDGoodSirJohn，Isueforyours：nottochargeyou；
forImustletyouunderstandIthinkmyselfinbetterplightforalenderthanyouare：thewhichhathsomethingembolden’dmetothisunseasonedintrusion；fortheysay，ifmoneygobefore，allwaysdolieopen。FALSTAFFMoneyisagoodsoldier，sir，andwillon。FORDTroth，andIhaveabagofmoneyheretroublesme：
ifyouwillhelptobearit，SirJohn，takeall，orhalf，foreasingmeofthecarriage。FALSTAFFSir，IknownothowImaydeservetobeyourporter。FORDIwilltellyou，sir，ifyouwillgivemethehearing。FALSTAFFSpeak，goodMasterBrook：Ishallbegladtobeyourservant。FORDSir，Ihearyouareascholar，——Iwillbebriefwithyou，——andyouhavebeenamanlongknowntome，thoughIhadneversogoodmeans，asdesire，tomakemyselfacquaintedwithyou。Ishalldiscoverathingtoyou，whereinImustverymuchlayopenmineownimperfection：but，goodSirJohn，asyouhaveoneeyeuponmyfollies，asyouhearthemunfolded，turnanotherintotheregisterofyourown；thatI
maypasswithareprooftheeasier，sithyouyourselfknowhoweasyitistobesuchanoffender。FALSTAFFVerywell，sir；proceed。FORDThereisagentlewomaninthistown；
herhusband’snameisFord。FALSTAFFWell，sir。FORDIhavelonglovedher，and，Iprotesttoyou，bestowedmuchonher；followedherwithadotingobservance；engrossedopportunitiestomeether；
fee’deveryslightoccasionthatcouldbutniggardlygivemesightofher；notonlyboughtmanypresentstogiveher，buthavegivenlargelytomanytoknowwhatshewouldhavegiven；briefly，Ihavepursuedheraslovehathpursuedme；whichhathbeenonthewingofalloccasions。ButwhatsoeverIhavemerited，eitherinmymindor，inmymeans，meed，Iamsure，Ihavereceivednone；unlessexperiencebeajewelthatIhavepurchasedataninfiniterate，andthathathtaughtmetosaythis：
’Lovelikeashadowflieswhensubstancelovepursues；
Pursuingthatthatflies，andflyingwhatpursues。’FALSTAFFHaveyoureceivednopromiseofsatisfactionatherhands？FORDNever。FALSTAFFHaveyouimportunedhertosuchapurpose？FORDNever。FALSTAFFOfwhatqualitywasyourlove，then？FORDLikeafairhousebuiltonanotherman’sground；sothatIhavelostmyedificebymistakingtheplacewhereIerectedit。FALSTAFFTowhatpurposehaveyouunfoldedthistome？FORDWhenIhavetoldyouthat，Ihavetoldyouall。
Somesay，thatthoughsheappearhonesttome，yetinotherplacessheenlargethhermirthsofarthatthereisshrewdconstructionmadeofher。Now，SirJohn，hereistheheartofmypurpose：youareagentlemanofexcellentbreeding，admirablediscourse，ofgreatadmittance，authenticinyourplaceandperson，generallyallowedforyourmanywar—like，court—like，andlearnedpreparations。FALSTAFFO，sir!FORDBelieveit，foryouknowit。Thereismoney；spendit，spendit；spendmore；spendallIhave；onlygivemesomuchofyourtimeinexchangeofit，astolayanamiablesiegetothehonestyofthisFord’swife：useyourartofwooing；winhertoconsenttoyou：ifanymanmay，youmayassoonasany。FALSTAFFWoulditapplywelltothevehemencyofyouraffection，thatIshouldwinwhatyouwouldenjoy？
Methinksyouprescribetoyourselfverypreposterously。FORDO，understandmydrift。Shedwellssosecurelyontheexcellencyofherhonour，thatthefollyofmysouldaresnotpresentitself：sheistoobrighttobelookedagainst。Now，couldIcouldcometoherwithanydetectioninmyhand，mydesireshadinstanceandargumenttocommendthemselves：
I
coulddriveherthenfromthewardofherpurity，herreputation，hermarriage—vow，andathousandotherherdefences，whichnowaretootoostronglyembattledagainstme。Whatsayyouto’t，SirJohn？FALSTAFFMasterBrook，Iwillfirstmakeboldwithyourmoney；next，givemeyourhand；andlast，asIamagentleman，youshall，ifyouwill，enjoyFord’swife。FORDOgoodsir!FALSTAFFIsayyoushall。FORDWantnomoney，SirJohn；youshallwantnone。FALSTAFFWantnoMistressFord，MasterBrook；
youshallwantnone。Ishallbewithher，Imaytellyou，byherownappointment；evenasyoucameintome，herassistantorgo—betweenpartedfromme：IsayI
shallbewithherbetweentenandeleven；foratthattimethejealousrascallyknaveherhusbandwillbeforth。Comeyoutomeatnight；youshallknowhowIspeed。FORDIamblestinyouracquaintance。DoyouknowFord，sir？FALSTAFFHanghim，poorcuckoldlyknave!Iknowhimnot：
yetIwronghimtocallhimpoor；theysaythejealouswittollyknavehathmassesofmoney；
forthewhichhiswifeseemstomewell—favored。Iwilluseherasthekeyofthecuckoldlyrogue’scoffer；
andthere’smyharvest—home。FORDIwouldyouknewFord，sir，thatyoumightavoidhimifyousawhim。FALSTAFFHanghim，mechanicalsalt—butterrogue!
Iwillstarehimoutofhiswits；Iwillawehimwithmycudgel：itshallhanglikeameteoro’erthecuckold’shorns。MasterBrook，thoushaltknowI
willpredominateoverthepeasant，andthoushaltliewithhiswife。Cometomesoonatnight。
Ford’saknave，andIwillaggravatehisstyle；
thou，MasterBrook，shaltknowhimforknaveandcuckold。Cometomesoonatnight。
ExitFORDWhatadamnedEpicureanrascalisthis!
Myheartisreadytocrackwithimpatience。Whosaysthisisimprovidentjealousy？mywifehathsenttohim；
thehourisfixed；thematchismade。Wouldanymanhavethoughtthis？Seethehellofhavingafalsewoman!Mybedshallbeabused，mycoffersransacked，myreputationgnawnat；andIshallnotonlyreceivethisvillanouswrong，butstandundertheadoptionofabominableterms，andbyhimthatdoesmethiswrong。Terms!names!Amaimonsoundswell；Lucifer，well；Barbason，well；yettheyaredevils’additions，thenamesoffiends：butCuckold!Wittol!——Cuckold!thedevilhimselfhathnotsuchaname。Pageisanass，asecureass：
hewilltrusthiswife；hewillnotbejealous。
IwillrathertrustaFlemingwithmybutter，ParsonHughtheWelshmanwithmycheese，anIrishmanwithmyaqua—vitaebottle，orathieftowalkmyamblinggelding，thanmywifewithherself；thensheplots，thensheruminates，thenshedevises；andwhattheythinkintheirheartstheymayeffect，theywillbreaktheirheartsbuttheywilleffect。Godbepraisedformyjealousy!Eleveno’clockthehour。
Iwillpreventthis，detectmywife，berevengedonFalstaff，andlaughatPage。Iwillaboutit；
betterthreehourstoosoonthanaminutetoolate。
Fie，fie，fie!cuckold!cuckold!cuckold!
ExitSCENEIII。AfieldnearWindsor。EnterDOCTORCAIUSandRUGBYDOCTORCAIUSJackRugby!RUGBYSir？DOCTORCAIUSVatisdeclock，Jack？RUGBY’Tispastthehour，sir，thatSirHughpromisedtomeet。DOCTORCAIUSBygar，hehassavehissoul，datheisnocome；hehasprayhisPiblewell，datheisnocome：bygar，JackRugby，heisdeadalready，ifhebecome。RUGBYHeiswise，sir；heknewyourworshipwouldkillhim，ifhecame。DOCTORCAIUSBygar，deherringisnodeadsoasI
villkillhim。
Takeyourrapier，Jack；IvilltellyouhowI
villkillhim。RUGBYAlas，sir，Icannotfence。DOCTORCAIUSVillany，takeyourrapier。RUGBYForbear；here’scompany。
EnterHost，SHALLOW，SLENDER，andPAGEHostBlessthee，bullydoctor!SHALLOWSaveyou，MasterDoctorCaius!PAGENow，goodmasterdoctor!SLENDERGiveyougoodmorrow，sir。DOCTORCAIUSVatbeallyou，one，two，tree，four，comefor？HostToseetheefight，toseetheefoin，toseetheetraverse；toseetheehere，toseetheethere；
toseetheepassthypunto，thystock，thyreverse，thydistance，thymontant。Ishedead，myEthiopian？
ishedead，myFrancisco？ha，bully!WhatsaysmyAEsculapius？myGalen？myheartofelder？ha!
ishedead，bullystale？ishedead？DOCTORCAIUSBygar，heisdecowardJackpriestofdevorld；heisnotshowhisface。HostThouartaCastalion—King—Urinal。HectorofGreece，myboy!DOCTORCAIUSIprayyou，bearvitnessthatmehavestaysixorseven，two，treehoursforhim，andheisnocome。SHALLOWHeisthewiserman，masterdoctor：heisacurerofsouls，andyouacurerofbodies；ifyoushouldfight，yougoagainstthehairofyourprofessions。
Isitnottrue，MasterPage？PAGEMasterShallow，youhaveyourselfbeenagreatfighter，thoughnowamanofpeace。SHALLOWBodykins，MasterPage，thoughInowbeoldandofthepeace，ifIseeaswordout，myfingeritchestomakeone。Thoughwearejusticesanddoctorsandchurchmen，MasterPage，wehavesomesaltofouryouthinus；wearethesonsofwomen，MasterPage。PAGE’Tistrue，MasterShallow。SHALLOWItwillbefoundso，MasterPage。MasterDoctorCaius，Iamcometofetchyouhome。Iamswornofthepeace：youhaveshowedyourselfawisephysician，andSirHughhathshownhimselfawiseandpatientchurchman。Youmustgowithme，masterdoctor。HostPardon，guest—justice。Aword，MounseurMockwater。DOCTORCAIUSMock—vater!vatisdat？HostMock—water，inourEnglishtongue，isvalour，bully。DOCTORCAIUSBygar，den，Ihaveasmushmock—vaterasdeEnglishman。Scurvyjack—dogpriest!bygar，mevillcuthisears。HostHewillclapper—clawtheetightly，bully。DOCTORCAIUSClapper—de—claw!vatisdat？HostThatis，hewillmaketheeamends。DOCTORCAIUSBygar，medolookheshallclapper—de—clawme；
for，bygar，mevillhaveit。HostAndIwillprovokehimto’t，orlethimwag。DOCTORCAIUSMetankyoufordat。HostAnd，moreover，bully，——butfirst，masterguest，andMasterPage，andekeCavaleiroSlender，goyouthroughthetowntoFrogmore。
AsidetothemPAGESirHughisthere，ishe？HostHeisthere：seewhathumourheisin；
andIwillbringthedoctoraboutbythefields。Willitdowell？SHALLOWWewilldoit。PAGESHALLOWSLENDERAdieu，goodmasterdoctor。
ExeuntPAGE，SHALLOW，andSLENDERDOCTORCAIUSBygar，mevillkilldepriest；forhespeakforajack—an—apetoAnnePage。HostLethimdie：sheathethyimpatience，throwcoldwateronthycholer：goaboutthefieldswithmethroughFrogmore：IwillbringtheewhereMistressAnnePageis，atafarm—housea—feasting；andthoushaltwooher。CriedIaim？saidIwell？DOCTORCAIUSBygar，medankyoufordat：bygar，I
loveyou；
andIshallprocure—ayoudegoodguest，deearl，deknight，delords，degentlemen，mypatients。HostForthewhichIwillbethyadversarytowardAnnePage。SaidIwell？DOCTORCAIUSBygar，’tisgood；vellsaid。HostLetuswag，then。DOCTORCAIUSComeatmyheels，JackRugby。
ExeuntACTIIISCENEI。AfieldnearFrogmore。EnterSIRHUGHEVANSandSIMPLESIRHUGHEVANSIprayyounow，goodmasterSlender’sserving—man，andfriendSimplebyyourname，whichwayhaveyoulookedforMasterCaius，thatcallshimselfdoctorofphysic？SIMPLEMarry，sir，thepittie—ward，thepark—ward，everyway；oldWindsorway，andeverywaybutthetownway。SIRHUGHEVANSImostfehementlydesireyouyouwillalsolookthatway。SIMPLEIwill，sir。
ExitSIRHUGHEVANS’Plessmysoul，howfullofchollorsI
am，andtremplingofmind!Ishallbegladifhehavedeceivedme。HowmelancholiesIam!Iwillknoghisurinalsabouthisknave’scostardwhenIhavegoodopportunitiesfortheork。’Plessmysoul!
SingsToshallowrivers，towhosefallsMelodiousbirdssingsmadrigals；
Therewillwemakeourpedsofroses，Andathousandfragrantposies。
Toshallow——
Mercyonme!Ihaveagreatdispositionstocry。
SingsMelodiousbirdssingmadrigals——
WhenasIsatinPabylon——
Andathousandvagramposies。
Toshallow&；c。
Re—enterSIMPLESIMPLEYonderheiscoming，thisway，SirHugh。SIRHUGHEVANSHe’swelcome。
SingsToshallowrivers，towhosefalls—
Heavenprospertheright!Whatweaponsishe？SIMPLENoweapons，sir。Therecomesmymaster，MasterShallow，andanothergentleman，fromFrogmore，overthestile，thisway。SIRHUGHEVANSPrayyou，givememygown；orelsekeepitinyourarms。
EnterPAGE，SHALLOW，andSLENDERSHALLOWHownow，masterParson!Goodmorrow，goodSirHugh。
Keepagamesterfromthedice，andagoodstudentfromhisbook，anditiswonderful。SLENDER[Aside]Ah，sweetAnnePage!PAGE’Saveyou，goodSirHugh!SIRHUGHEVANS’Plessyoufromhismercysake，allofyou!SHALLOWWhat，theswordandtheword!doyoustudythemboth，masterparson？PAGEAndyouthfulstill!inyourdoubletandhosethisrawrheumaticday!SIRHUGHEVANSThereisreasonsandcausesforit。PAGEWearecometoyoutodoagoodoffice，masterparson。SIRHUGHEVANSFerywell：whatisit？PAGEYonderisamostreverendgentleman，who，belikehavingreceivedwrongbysomeperson，isatmostoddswithhisowngravityandpatiencethateveryousaw。SHALLOWIhavelivedfourscoreyearsandupward；
Ineverheardamanofhisplace，gravityandlearning，sowideofhisownrespect。SIRHUGHEVANSWhatishe？PAGEIthinkyouknowhim；MasterDoctorCaius，therenownedFrenchphysician。SIRHUGHEVANSGot’swill，andhispassionofmyheart!
Ihadasliefyouwouldtellmeofamessofporridge。PAGEWhy？SIRHUGHEVANSHehasnomoreknowledgeinHibocratesandGalen，——andheisaknavebesides；acowardlyknaveasyouwoulddesirestobeacquaintedwithal。PAGEIwarrantyou，he’sthemanshouldfightwithhim。SHALLOW[Aside]OsweetAnnePage!SHALLOWItappearssobyhisweapons。Keepthemasunder：
herecomesDoctorCaius。
EnterHost，DOCTORCAIUS，andRUGBYPAGENay，goodmasterparson，keepinyourweapon。SHALLOWSodoyou，goodmasterdoctor。HostDisarmthem，andletthemquestion：letthemkeeptheirlimbswholeandhackourEnglish。DOCTORCAIUSIprayyou，let—amespeakawordwithyourear。
Vhereforevillyounotmeet—ame？SIRHUGHEVANS[AsidetoDOCTORCAIUS]Prayyou，useyourpatience：
ingoodtime。DOCTORCAIUSBygar，youaredecoward，deJackdog，Johnape。SIRHUGHEVANS[AsidetoDOCTORCAIUS]Prayyouletusnotbelaughing—stockstoothermen’shumours；Idesireyouinfriendship，andIwillonewayorothermakeyouamends。
AloudIwillknogyoururinalsaboutyourknave’scockscombformissingyourmeetingsandappointments。DOCTORCAIUSDiable!JackRugby，——minehostdeJarteer，——haveI
notstayforhimtokillhim？haveInot，atdeplaceIdidappoint？SIRHUGHEVANSAsIamaChristianssoulnow，lookyou，thisistheplaceappointed：I’llbejudgementbyminehostoftheGarter。HostPeace，Isay，GalliaandGaul，FrenchandWelsh，soul—curerandbody—curer!DOCTORCAIUSAy，datisverygood；excellent。HostPeace，Isay!hearminehostoftheGarter。
AmI
politic？amIsubtle？amIaMachiavel？ShallI
losemydoctor？no；hegivesmethepotionsandthemotions。ShallIlosemyparson，mypriest，mySirHugh？no；hegivesmetheproverbsandtheno—verbs。Givemethyhand，terrestrial；so。Givemethyhand，celestial；so。Boysofart，Ihavedeceivedyouboth；Ihavedirectedyoutowrongplaces：yourheartsaremighty，yourskinsarewhole，andletburntsackbetheissue。Come，laytheirswordstopawn。Followme，ladsofpeace；
follow，follow，follow。SHALLOWTrustme，amadhost。Follow，gentlemen，follow。SLENDER[Aside]OsweetAnnePage!
ExeuntSHALLOW，SLENDER，PAGE，andHostDOCTORCAIUSHa，doIperceivedat？haveyoumake—adesotofus，ha，ha？SIRHUGHEVANSThisiswell；hehasmadeushisvlouting—stog。
I
desireyouthatwemaybefriends；andletusknogourprainstogethertoberevengeonthissamescall，scurvycoggingcompanion，thehostoftheGarter。DOCTORCAIUSBygar，withallmyheart。HepromisetobringmewhereisAnnePage；bygar，hedeceivemetoo。SIRHUGHEVANSWell，Iwillsmitehisnoddles。Prayyou，follow。
ExeuntSCENEII。Astreet。EnterMISTRESSPAGEandROBINMISTRESSPAGENay，keepyourway，littlegallant；youwerewonttobeafollower，butnowyouarealeader。Whetherhadyouratherleadmineeyes，oreyeyourmaster’sheels？ROBINIhadrather，forsooth，gobeforeyoulikeamanthanfollowhimlikeadwarf。MISTRESSPAGEO，youareaflatteringboy：nowIseeyou’llbeacourtier。
EnterFORDFORDWellmet，MistressPage。Whithergoyou？MISTRESSPAGETruly，sir，toseeyourwife。Issheathome？FORDAy；andasidleasshemayhangtogether，forwantofcompany。Ithink，ifyourhusbandsweredead，youtwowouldmarry。MISTRESSPAGEBesureofthat，——twootherhusbands。FORDWherehadyouthisprettyweather—cock？MISTRESSPAGEIcannottellwhatthedickenshisnameismyhusbandhadhimof。Whatdoyoucallyourknight’sname，sirrah？ROBINSirJohnFalstaff。FORDSirJohnFalstaff!MISTRESSPAGEHe，he；Icanneverhiton’sname。Thereissuchaleaguebetweenmygoodmanandhe!Isyourwifeathomeindeed？FORDIndeedsheis。MISTRESSPAGEByyourleave，sir：IamsicktillIseeher。
ExeuntMISTRESSPAGEandROBINFORDHasPageanybrains？hathheanyeyes？
hathheanythinking？Sure，theysleep；hehathnouseofthem。
Why，thisboywillcarryalettertwentymile，aseasyasacannonwillshootpoint—blanktwelvescore。Hepiecesouthiswife’sinclination；hegivesherfollymotionandadvantage：andnowshe’sgoingtomywife，andFalstaff’sboywithher。
A
manmayhearthisshowersinginthewind。AndFalstaff’sboywithher!Goodplots，theyarelaid；
andourrevoltedwivessharedamnationtogether。
Well；Iwilltakehim，thentorturemywife，plucktheborrowedveilofmodestyfromthesoseemingMistressPage，divulgePagehimselfforasecureandwilfulActaeon；andtotheseviolentproceedingsallmyneighboursshallcryaim。
ClockheardTheclockgivesmemycue，andmyassurancebidsmesearch：thereIshallfindFalstaff：Ishallberatherpraisedforthisthanmocked；foritisaspositiveastheearthisfirmthatFalstaffisthere：Iwillgo。
EnterPAGE，SHALLOW，SLENDER，Host，SIRHUGHEVANS，DOCTORCAIUS，andRUGBYSHALLOWPAGE&；
CWellmet，MasterFord。FORDTrustme，agoodknot：Ihavegoodcheerathome；
andIprayyouallgowithme。SHALLOWImustexcusemyself，MasterFord。SLENDERAndsomustI，sir：wehaveappointedtodinewithMistressAnne，andIwouldnotbreakwithherformoremoneythanI’llspeakof。SHALLOWWehavelingeredaboutamatchbetweenAnnePageandmycousinSlender，andthisdayweshallhaveouranswer。SLENDERIhopeIhaveyourgoodwill，fatherPage。PAGEYouhave，MasterSlender；Istandwhollyforyou：
butmywife，masterdoctor，isforyoualtogether。DOCTORCAIUSAy，be—gar；anddemaidislove—ame：
mynursh—aQuicklytellmesomush。HostWhatsayyoutoyoungMasterFenton？hecapers，hedances，hehaseyesofyouth，hewritesverses，hespeaksholiday，hesmellsAprilandMay：hewillcarry’t，hewillcarry’t；’tisinhisbuttons；
hewillcarry’t。PAGENotbymyconsent，Ipromiseyou。Thegentlemanisofnohaving：hekeptcompanywiththewildprinceandPoins；heisoftoohigharegion；heknowstoomuch。No，heshallnotknitaknotinhisfortuneswiththefingerofmysubstance：ifhetakeher，lethimtakehersimply；thewealthIhavewaitsonmyconsent，andmyconsentgoesnotthatway。FORDIbeseechyouheartily，someofyougohomewithmetodinner：besidesyourcheer，youshallhavesport；Iwillshowyouamonster。Masterdoctor，youshallgo；soshallyou，MasterPage；andyou，SirHugh。SHALLOWWell，fareyouwell：weshallhavethefreerwooingatMasterPage’s。
ExeuntSHALLOW，andSLENDERDOCTORCAIUSGohome，JohnRugby；Icomeanon。
ExitRUGBYHostFarewell，myhearts：IwilltomyhonestknightFalstaff，anddrinkcanarywithhim。
ExitFORD[Aside]IthinkIshalldrinkinpipewinefirstwithhim；I’llmakehimdance。Willyougo，gentles？AllHavewithyoutoseethismonster。
ExeuntSCENEIII。AroominFORD’Shouse。EnterMISTRESSFORDandMISTRESSPAGEMISTRESSFORDWhat，John!What，Robert!MISTRESSPAGEQuickly，quickly!isthebuck—basket——MISTRESSFORDIwarrant。What，Robin，Isay!
EnterServantswithabasketMISTRESSPAGECome，come，come。MISTRESSFORDHere，setitdown。MISTRESSPAGEGiveyourmenthecharge；wemustbebrief。MISTRESSFORDMarry，asItoldyoubefore，JohnandRobert，bereadyherehardbyinthebrew—house：andwhenI
suddenlycallyou，comeforth，andwithoutanypauseorstaggeringtakethisbasketonyourshoulders：
thatdone，trudgewithitinallhaste，andcarryitamongthewhitstersinDatchet—mead，andthereemptyitinthemuddyditchclosebytheThamesside。MISTRESSPAGEYouwilldoit？MISTRESSFORDIha’toldthemoverandover；theylacknodirection。Begone，andcomewhenyouarecalled。
ExeuntServantsMISTRESSPAGEHerecomeslittleRobin。
EnterROBINMISTRESSFORDHownow，myeyas—musket!whatnewswithyou？ROBINMymaster，SirJohn，iscomeinatyourback—door，MistressFord，andrequestsyourcompany。MISTRESSPAGEYoulittleJack—a—Lent，haveyoubeentruetous？ROBINAy，I’llbesworn。MymasterknowsnotofyourbeinghereandhaththreatenedtoputmeintoeverlastinglibertyifItellyouofit；forheswearshe’llturnmeaway。MISTRESSPAGEThou’rtagoodboy：thissecrecyofthineshallbeatailortotheeandshallmaketheeanewdoubletandhose。I’llgohideme。MISTRESSFORDDoso。GotellthymasterIamalone。
ExitROBIN
MistressPage，rememberyouyourcue。MISTRESSPAGEIwarrantthee；ifIdonotactit，hissme。
ExitMISTRESSFORDGoto，then：we’llusethisunwholesomehumidity，thisgrosswaterypumpion；we’llteachhimtoknowturtlesfromjays。
EnterFALSTAFFFALSTAFFHaveIcaughtthee，myheavenlyjewel？
Why，nowletmedie，forIhavelivedlongenough：thisistheperiodofmyambition：Othisblessedhour!MISTRESSFORDOsweetSirJohn!FALSTAFFMistressFord，Icannotcog，Icannotprate，MistressFord。NowshallIsininmywish：Iwouldthyhusbandweredead：I’llspeakitbeforethebestlord；Iwouldmaketheemylady。MISTRESSFORDIyourlady，SirJohn!alas，Ishouldbeapitifullady!FALSTAFFLetthecourtofFranceshowmesuchanother。
Iseehowthineeyewouldemulatethediamond：thouhasttherightarchedbeautyofthebrowthatbecomestheship—tire，thetire—valiant，oranytireofVenetianadmittance。MISTRESSFORDAplainkerchief，SirJohn：mybrowsbecomenothingelse；northatwellneither。FALSTAFFBytheLord，thouartatraitortosayso：thouwouldstmakeanabsolutecourtier；andthefirmfixtureofthyfootwouldgiveanexcellentmotiontothygaitinasemi—circledfarthingale。Iseewhatthouwert，ifFortunethyfoewerenot，Naturethyfriend。Come，thoucanstnothideit。MISTRESSFORDBelieveme，thereisnosuchthinginme。FALSTAFFWhatmademelovethee？letthatpersuadetheethere’ssomethingextraordinaryinthee。Come，I
cannotcogandsaythouartthisandthat，likeamanyoftheselispinghawthorn—buds，thatcomelikewomeninmen’sapparel，andsmelllikeBucklersburyinsimpletime；Icannot：butIlovethee；nonebutthee；andthoudeservestit。MISTRESSFORDDonotbetrayme，sir。IfearyouloveMistressPage。FALSTAFFThoumightstaswellsayIlovetowalkbytheCounter—gate，whichisashatefultomeasthereekofalime—kiln。MISTRESSFORDWell，heavenknowshowIloveyou；andyoushallonedayfindit。FALSTAFFKeepinthatmind；I’lldeserveit。MISTRESSFORDNay，Imusttellyou，soyoudo；orelseIcouldnotbeinthatmind。ROBIN[Within]MistressFord，MistressFord!
here’sMistressPageatthedoor，sweatingandblowingandlookingwildly，andwouldneedsspeakwithyoupresently。FALSTAFFSheshallnotseeme：Iwillensconcemebehindthearras。MISTRESSFORDPrayyou，doso：she’saverytattlingwoman。
FALSTAFFhideshimselfRe—enterMISTRESSPAGEandROBIN
What’sthematter？hownow!MISTRESSPAGEOMistressFord，whathaveyoudone？You’reshamed，you’reoverthrown，you’reundoneforever!MISTRESSFORDWhat’sthematter，goodMistressPage？MISTRESSPAGEOwell—a—day，MistressFord!havinganhonestmantoyourhusband，togivehimsuchcauseofsuspicion!MISTRESSFORDWhatcauseofsuspicion？MISTRESSPAGEWhatcauseofsuspicion!Outponyou!
howamI
mistookinyou!MISTRESSFORDWhy，alas，what’sthematter？MISTRESSPAGEYourhusband’scominghither，woman，withalltheofficersinWindsor，tosearchforagentlemanthathesaysisherenowinthehousebyyourconsent，totakeanilladvantageofhisassence：youareundone。MISTRESSFORD’Tisnotso，Ihope。MISTRESSPAGEPrayheavenitbenotso，thatyouhavesuchamanhere!but’tismostcertainyourhusband’scoming，withhalfWindsorathisheels，tosearchforsuchaone。Icomebeforetotellyou。Ifyouknowyourselfclear，why，Iamgladofit；butifyouhaveafriendhereconvey，conveyhimout。Benotamazed；callallyoursensestoyou；defendyourreputation，orbidfarewelltoyourgoodlifeforever。MISTRESSFORDWhatshallIdo？Thereisagentlemanmydearfriend；andIfearnotmineownshamesomuchashisperil：Ihadratherthanathousandpoundhewereoutofthehouse。MISTRESSPAGEForshame!neverstand’youhadrather’
and’youhadrather：’yourhusband’shereathand，bethinkyouofsomeconveyance：inthehouseyoucannothidehim。O，howhaveyoudeceivedme!Look，hereisabasket：ifhebeofanyreasonablestature，hemaycreepinhere；andthrowfoullinenuponhim，asifitweregoingtobucking：or——itiswhiting—time——sendhimbyyourtwomentoDatchet—mead。MISTRESSFORDHe’stoobigtogointhere。WhatshallIdo？FALSTAFF[Comingforward]Letmesee’t，letmesee’t，O，letmesee’t!I’llin，I’llin。Followyourfriend’scounsel。I’llin。MISTRESSPAGEWhat，SirJohnFalstaff!Aretheseyourletters，knight？FALSTAFFIlovethee。Helpmeaway。Letmecreepinhere。
I’llnever——
Getsintothebasket；theycoverhimwithfoullinenMISTRESSPAGEHelptocoveryourmaster，boy。Callyourmen，MistressFord。Youdissemblingknight!MISTRESSFORDWhat，John!Robert!John!
ExitROBIN
Re—enterServantsGotakeuptheseclothesherequickly。Where’sthecowl—staff？look，howyoudrumble!CarrythemtothelaundressinDatchet—meat；quickly，come。
EnterFORD，PAGE，DOCTORCAIUS，andSIRHUGHEVANSFORDPrayyou，comenear：ifIsuspectwithoutcause，whythenmakesportatme；thenletmebeyourjest；
Ideserveit。Hownow!whitherbearyouthis？ServantTothelaundress，forsooth。MISTRESSFORDWhy，whathaveyoutodowhithertheybearit？Youwerebestmeddlewithbuck—washing。FORDBuck!IwouldIcouldwashmyselfofthebuck!
Buck，buck，buck!Ay，buck；Iwarrantyou，buck；
andoftheseasontoo，itshallappear。
ExeuntServantswiththebasketGentlemen，Ihavedreamedto—night；I’lltellyoumydream。Here，here，herebemykeys：ascendmychambers；search，seek，findout：I’llwarrantwe’llunkennelthefox。Letmestopthiswayfirst。
LockingthedoorSo，nowuncape。PAGEGoodMasterFord，becontented：youwrongyourselftoomuch。FORDTrue，MasterPage。Up，gentlemen：youshallseesportanon：followme，gentlemen。
ExitSIRHUGHEVANSThisisferyfantasticalhumoursandjealousies。DOCTORCAIUSBygar，’tisnothefashionofFrance；
itisnotjealousinFrance。PAGENay，followhim，gentlemen；seetheissueofhissearch。
ExeuntPAGE，DOCTORCAIUS，andSIRHUGHEVANSMISTRESSPAGEIstherenotadoubleexcellencyinthis？MISTRESSFORDIknownotwhichpleasesmebetter，thatmyhusbandisdeceived，orSirJohn。MISTRESSPAGEWhatatakingwasheinwhenyourhusbandaskedwhowasinthebasket!MISTRESSFORDIamhalfafraidhewillhaveneedofwashing；sothrowinghimintothewaterwilldohimabenefit。MISTRESSPAGEHanghim，dishonestrascal!Iwouldallofthesamestrainwereinthesamedistress。MISTRESSFORDIthinkmyhusbandhathsomespecialsuspicionofFalstaff’sbeinghere；forIneversawhimsogrossinhisjealousytillnow。MISTRESSPAGEIwilllayaplottotrythat；andwewillyethavemoretrickswithFalstaff：hisdissolutediseasewillscarceobeythismedicine。MISTRESSFORDShallwesendthatfoolishcarrion，MistressQuickly，tohim，andexcusehisthrowingintothewater；andgivehimanotherhope，tobetrayhimtoanotherpunishment？MISTRESSPAGEWewilldoit：lethimbesentforto—morrow，eighto’clock，tohaveamends。
Re—enterFORD，PAGE，DOCTORCAIUS，andSIRHUGHEVANSFORDIcannotfindhim：maybetheknavebraggedofthathecouldnotcompass。MISTRESSPAGE[AsidetoMISTRESSFORD]Heardyouthat？MISTRESSFORDYouusemewell，MasterFord，doyou？FORDAy，Idoso。MISTRESSFORDHeavenmakeyoubetterthanyourthoughts!FORDAmen!MISTRESSPAGEYoudoyourselfmightywrong，MasterFord。FORDAy，ay；Imustbearit。SIRHUGHEVANSIftherebeanypodyinthehouse，andinthechambers，andinthecoffers，andinthepresses，heavenforgivemysinsatthedayofjudgment!DOCTORCAIUSBygar，norItoo：thereisnobodies。PAGEFie，fie，MasterFord!areyounotashamed？
Whatspirit，whatdevilsuggeststhisimagination？
I
wouldnotha’yourdistemperinthiskindforthewealthofWindsorCastle。FORD’Tismyfault，MasterPage：Isufferforit。SIRHUGHEVANSYousufferforapadconscience：yourwifeisashonesta’omansasIwilldesiresamongfivethousand，andfivehundredtoo。DOCTORCAIUSBygar，Isee’tisanhonestwoman。FORDWell，Ipromisedyouadinner。Come，come，walkinthePark：Iprayyou，pardonme；IwillhereaftermakeknowntoyouwhyIhavedonethis。Come，wife；come，MistressPage。Iprayyou，pardonme；
prayheartily，pardonme。PAGELet’sgoin，gentlemen；but，trustme，we’llmockhim。Idoinviteyouto—morrowmorningtomyhousetobreakfast：after，we’lla—birdingtogether；
I
haveafinehawkforthebush。Shallitbeso？FORDAnything。SIRHUGHEVANSIfthereisone，Ishallmaketwointhecompany。DOCTORCAIUSIfderebeoneortwo，Ishallmake—atheturd。FORDPrayyou，go，MasterPage。SIRHUGHEVANSIprayyounow，remembrancetomorrowonthelousyknave，minehost。DOCTORCAIUSDatisgood；bygar，withallmyheart!SIRHUGHEVANSAlousyknave，tohavehisgibesandhismockeries!
ExeuntSCENEIV。AroominPAGE’Shouse。EnterFENTONandANNEPAGEFENTONIseeIcannotgetthyfather’slove；
Thereforenomoreturnmetohim，sweetNan。ANNEPAGEAlas，howthen？FENTONWhy，thoumustbethyself。
HedothobjectIamtoogreatofbirth——，Andthat，mystatebeinggall’dwithmyexpense，Iseektohealitonlybyhiswealth：
Besidesthese，otherbarshelaysbeforeme，Myriotspast，mywildsocieties；
Andtellsme’tisathingimpossibleIshouldlovetheebutasaproperty。ANNEPAGEMaybehetellsyoutrue。FENTONNo，heavensospeedmeinmytimetocome!
AlbeitIwillconfessthyfather’swealthWasthefirstmotivethatIwoo’dthee，Anne：
Yet，wooingthee，IfoundtheeofmorevalueThanstampsingoldorsumsinsealedbags；
And’tistheveryrichesofthyselfThatnowIaimat。ANNEPAGEGentleMasterFenton，Yetseekmyfather’slove；stillseekit，sir：
IfopportunityandhumblestsuitCannotattainit，why，then，——harkyouhither!
TheyconverseapartEnterSHALLOW，SLENDER，andMISTRESSQUICKLYSHALLOWBreaktheirtalk，MistressQuickly：mykinsmanshallspeakforhimself。SLENDERI’llmakeashaftorabolton’t：’slid，’tisbutventuring。SHALLOWBenotdismayed。SLENDERNo，sheshallnotdismayme：Icarenotforthat，butthatIamafeard。MISTRESSQUICKLYHarkye；MasterSlenderwouldspeakawordwithyou。ANNEPAGEIcometohim。
AsideThisismyfather’schoice。
O，whataworldofvileill—favor’dfaultsLookshandsomeinthreehundredpoundsa—year!MISTRESSQUICKLYAndhowdoesgoodMasterFenton？Prayyou，awordwithyou。SHALLOWShe’scoming；toher，coz。Oboy，thouhadstafather!SLENDERIhadafather，MistressAnne；myunclecantellyougoodjestsofhim。Prayyou，uncle，tellMistressAnnethejest，howmyfatherstoletwogeeseoutofapen，gooduncle。SHALLOWMistressAnne，mycousinlovesyou。SLENDERAy，thatIdo；aswellasIloveanywomaninGloucestershire。SHALLOWHewillmaintainyoulikeagentlewoman。SLENDERAy，thatIwill，comecutandlong—tail，underthedegreeofasquire。SHALLOWHewillmakeyouahundredandfiftypoundsjointure。ANNEPAGEGoodMasterShallow，lethimwooforhimself。SHALLOWMarry，Ithankyouforit；Ithankyouforthatgoodcomfort。Shecallsyou，coz：I’llleaveyou。ANNEPAGENow，MasterSlender，——SLENDERNow，goodMistressAnne，——ANNEPAGEWhatisyourwill？SLENDERMywill!’od’sheartlings，that’saprettyjestindeed!Ine’ermademywillyet，Ithankheaven；
I
amnotsuchasicklycreature，Igiveheavenpraise。ANNEPAGEImean，MasterSlender，whatwouldyouwithme？SLENDERTruly，formineownpart，Iwouldlittleornothingwithyou。Yourfatherandmyunclehathmademotions：ifitbemyluck，so；ifnot，happymanbehisdole!TheycantellyouhowthingsgobetterthanIcan：youmayaskyourfather；herehecomes。
EnterPAGEandMISTRESSPAGEPAGENow，MasterSlender：lovehim，daughterAnne。
Why，hownow!whatdoesMasterFentonhere？
Youwrongme，sir，thusstilltohauntmyhouse：
Itoldyou，sir，mydaughterisdisposedof。FENTONNay，MasterPage，benotimpatient。MISTRESSPAGEGoodMasterFenton，comenottomychild。PAGESheisnomatchforyou。FENTONSir，willyouhearme？PAGENo，goodMasterFenton。
Come，MasterShallow；come，sonSlender，in。
Knowingmymind，youwrongme，MasterFenton。
ExeuntPAGE，SHALLOW，andSLENDERMISTRESSQUICKLYSpeaktoMistressPage。FENTONGoodMistressPage，forthatIloveyourdaughterInsucharighteousfashionasIdo，Perforce，againstallcheques，rebukesandmanners，ImustadvancethecoloursofmyloveAndnotretire：letmehaveyourgoodwill。ANNEPAGEGoodmother，donotmarrymetoyondfool。MISTRESSPAGEImeanitnot；Iseekyouabetterhusband。MISTRESSQUICKLYThat’smymaster，masterdoctor。ANNEPAGEAlas，Ihadratherbesetquicki’theearthAndbowl’dtodeathwithturnips!MISTRESSPAGECome，troublenotyourself。GoodMasterFenton，Iwillnotbeyourfriendnorenemy：
MydaughterwillIquestionhowshelovesyou，AndasIfindher，soamIaffected。
Tillthenfarewell，sir：shemustneedsgoin；
Herfatherwillbeangry。FENTONFarewell，gentlemistress：farewell，Nan。
ExeuntMISTRESSPAGEandANNEPAGEMISTRESSQUICKLYThisismydoing，now：’Nay，’saidI，’willyoucastawayyourchildonafool，andaphysician？LookonMasterFenton：’thisismydoing。FENTONIthankthee；andIpraythee，onceto—nightGivemysweetNanthisring：there’sforthypains。MISTRESSQUICKLYNowheavensendtheegoodfortune!
ExitFENTON
Akindhearthehath：awomanwouldrunthroughfireandwaterforsuchakindheart。ButyetI
wouldmymasterhadMistressAnne；orIwouldMasterSlenderhadher；or，insooth，IwouldMasterFentonhadher；IwilldowhatIcanforthemallthree；forsoIhavepromised，andI’llbeasgoodasmyword；butspeciouslyforMasterFenton。
Well，ImustofanothererrandtoSirJohnFalstafffrommytwomistresses：whatabeastamItoslackit!
ExitSCENEV。AroomintheGarterInn。EnterFALSTAFFandBARDOLPHFALSTAFFBardolph，Isay，——BARDOLPHHere，sir。FALSTAFFGofetchmeaquartofsack；putatoastin’t。
ExitBARDOLPH
HaveIlivedtobecarriedinabasket，likeabarrowofbutcher’soffal，andtobethrownintheThames？Well，ifIbeservedsuchanothertrick，I’llhavemybrainsta’enoutandbuttered，andgivethemtoadogforanew—year’sgift。Theroguesslightedmeintotheriverwithaslittleremorseastheywouldhavedrownedablindbitch’spuppies，fifteeni’thelitter：andyoumayknowbymysizethatIhaveakindofalacrityinsinking；ifthebottomwereasdeepashell，Ishoulddown。I
hadbeendrowned，butthattheshorewasshelvyandshallow，——adeaththatIabhor；forthewaterswellsaman；andwhatathingshouldIhavebeenwhenI
hadbeenswelled!Ishouldhavebeenamountainofmummy。
Re—enterBARDOLPHwithsackBARDOLPHHere’sMistressQuickly，sir，tospeakwithyou。FALSTAFFLetmepourinsomesacktotheThameswater；formybelly’sascoldasifIhadswallowedsnowballsforpillstocoolthereins。Callherin。BARDOLPHComein，woman!
EnterMISTRESSQUICKLYMISTRESSQUICKLYByyourleave；Icryyoumercy：giveyourworshipgoodmorrow。FALSTAFFTakeawaythesechalices。Gobrewmeapottleofsackfinely。BARDOLPHWitheggs，sir？FALSTAFFSimpleofitself；I’llnopullet—sperminmybrewage。
ExitBARDOLPH
Hownow!MISTRESSQUICKLYMarry，sir，IcometoyourworshipfromMistressFord。FALSTAFFMistressFord!Ihavehadfordenough；
Iwasthrownintotheford；Ihavemybellyfullofford。MISTRESSQUICKLYAlastheday!goodheart，thatwasnotherfault：
shedoessotakeonwithhermen；theymistooktheirerection。FALSTAFFSodidImine，tobuilduponafoolishwoman’spromise。MISTRESSQUICKLYWell，shelaments，sir，forit，thatitwouldyearnyourhearttoseeit。Herhusbandgoesthismorninga—birding；shedesiresyouoncemoretocometoherbetweeneightandnine：Imustcarryherwordquickly：she’llmakeyouamends，Iwarrantyou。FALSTAFFWell，Iwillvisither：tellherso；andbidherthinkwhatamanis：letherconsiderhisfrailty，andthenjudgeofmymerit。MISTRESSQUICKLYIwilltellher。FALSTAFFDoso。Betweennineandten，sayestthou？MISTRESSQUICKLYEightandnine，sir。FALSTAFFWell，begone：Iwillnotmissher。MISTRESSQUICKLYPeacebewithyou，sir。
ExitFALSTAFFImarvelIhearnotofMasterBrook；hesentmewordtostaywithin：Ilikehismoneywell。O，herehecomes。
EnterFORDFORDBlessyou，sir!FALSTAFFNow，masterBrook，youcometoknowwhathathpassedbetweenmeandFord’swife？FORDThat，indeed，SirJohn，ismybusiness。FALSTAFFMasterBrook，Iwillnotlietoyou：I
wasatherhousethehoursheappointedme。FORDAndspedyou，sir？FALSTAFFVeryill—favoredly，MasterBrook。FORDHowso，sir？Didshechangeherdetermination？FALSTAFFNo，MasterBrook；butthepeakingCornutoherhusband，MasterBrook，dwellinginacontinual’larumofjealousy，comesmeintheinstantofourencounter，afterwehadembraced，kissed，protested，and，asitwere，spoketheprologueofourcomedy；
andathisheelsarabbleofhiscompanions，thitherprovokedandinstigatedbyhisdistemper，and，forsooth，tosearchhishouseforhiswife’slove。FORDWhat，whileyouwerethere？FALSTAFFWhileIwasthere。FORDAnddidhesearchforyou，andcouldnotfindyou？FALSTAFFYoushallhear。Asgoodluckwouldhaveit，comesinoneMistressPage；givesintelligenceofFord’sapproach；and，inherinventionandFord’swife’sdistraction，theyconveyedmeintoabuck—basket。FORDAbuck—basket!FALSTAFFBytheLord，abuck—basket!rammedmeinwithfoulshirtsandsmocks，socks，foulstockings，greasynapkins；that，MasterBrook，therewastherankestcompoundofvillanoussmellthateveroffendednostril。FORDAndhowlonglayyouthere？FALSTAFFNay，youshallhear，MasterBrook，whatIhavesufferedtobringthiswomantoevilforyourgood。
Beingthuscrammedinthebasket，acoupleofFord’sknaves，hishinds，werecalledforthbytheirmistresstocarrymeinthenameoffoulclothestoDatchet—lane：theytookmeontheirshoulders；
metthejealousknavetheirmasterinthedoor，whoaskedthemonceortwicewhattheyhadintheirbasket：Iquakedforfear，lestthelunaticknavewouldhavesearchedit；butfate，ordainingheshouldbeacuckold，heldhishand。Well：onwentheforasearch，andawaywentIforfoulclothes。
Butmarkthesequel，MasterBrook：Isufferedthepangsofthreeseveraldeaths；first，anintolerablefright，tobedetectedwithajealousrottenbell—wether；next，tobecompassed，likeagoodbilbo，inthecircumferenceofapeck，hilttopoint，heeltohead；andthen，tobestoppedin，likeastrongdistillation，withstinkingclothesthatfrettedintheirowngrease：thinkofthat，——amanofmykidney，——thinkofthat，——thatamassubjecttoheatasbutter；amanofcontinualdissolutionandthaw：itwasamiracletoscapesuffocation。
Andintheheightofthisbath，whenIwasmorethanhalfstewedingrease，likeaDutchdish，tobethrownintotheThames，andcooled，glowinghot，inthatsurge，likeahorse—shoe；thinkofthat，——hissinghot，——thinkofthat，MasterBrook。FORDIngoodsadness，Iamsorrythatformysakeyouhavesufferdallthis。Mysuitthenisdesperate；
you’llundertakehernomore？FALSTAFFMasterBrook，IwillbethrownintoEtna，asIhavebeenintoThames，ereIwillleaveherthus。
Herhusbandisthismorninggonea—birding：Ihavereceivedfromheranotherembassyofmeeting；
’twixteightandnineisthehour，MasterBrook。FORD’Tispasteightalready，sir。FALSTAFFIsit？Iwillthenaddressmetomyappointment。
Cometomeatyourconvenientleisure，andyoushallknowhowIspeed；andtheconclusionshallbecrownedwithyourenjoyingher。Adieu。Youshallhaveher，MasterBrook；MasterBrook，youshallcuckoldFord。
ExitFORDHum!ha!isthisavision？isthisadream？doI
sleep？MasterFordawake!awake，MasterFord!
there’saholemadeinyourbestcoat，MasterFord。
This’tistobemarried!this’tistohavelinenandbuck—baskets!Well，IwillproclaimmyselfwhatIam：Iwillnowtakethelecher；heisatmyhouse；hecannot’scapeme；’tisimpossibleheshould；hecannotcreepintoahalfpennypurse，norintoapepper—box：but，lestthedevilthatguideshimshouldaidhim，Iwillsearchimpossibleplaces。ThoughwhatIamIcannotavoid，yettobewhatIwouldnotshallnotmakemetame：
ifIhavehornstomakeonemad，lettheproverbgowithme：I’llbehorn—mad。
ExitACTIVSCENEI。Astreet。EnterMISTRESSPAGE，MISTRESSQUICKLY，andWILLIAMPAGEMISTRESSPAGEIsheatMasterFord’salready，think’stthou？MISTRESSQUICKLYSureheisbythis，orwillbepresently：
but，truly，heisverycourageousmadabouthisthrowingintothewater。MistressForddesiresyoutocomesuddenly。MISTRESSPAGEI’llbewithherbyandby；I’llbutbringmyyoungmanheretoschool。Look，wherehismastercomes；
’tisaplaying—day，Isee。
EnterSIRHUGHEVANS
Hownow，SirHugh!noschoolto—day？SIRHUGHEVANSNo；MasterSlenderislettheboysleavetoplay。MISTRESSQUICKLYBlessingofhisheart!MISTRESSPAGESirHugh，myhusbandsaysmysonprofitsnothingintheworldathisbook。Iprayyou，askhimsomequestionsinhisaccidence。SIRHUGHEVANSComehither，William；holdupyourhead；
come。MISTRESSPAGEComeon，sirrah；holdupyourhead；answeryourmaster，benotafraid。SIRHUGHEVANSWilliam，howmanynumbersisinnouns？WILLIAMPAGETwo。MISTRESSQUICKLYTruly，Ithoughttherehadbeenonenumbermore，becausetheysay，’’Od’snouns。’SIRHUGHEVANSPeaceyourtattlings!Whatis’fair，’
William？WILLIAMPAGEPulcher。MISTRESSQUICKLYPolecats!therearefairerthingsthanpolecats，sure。SIRHUGHEVANSYouareaverysimplicity’oman：Iprayyoupeace。
Whatis’lapis，’William？WILLIAMPAGEAstone。SIRHUGHEVANSAndwhatis’astone，’William？WILLIAMPAGEApebble。SIRHUGHEVANSNo，itis’lapis：’Iprayyou，rememberinyourprain。WILLIAMPAGELapis。SIRHUGHEVANSThatisagoodWilliam。Whatishe，William，thatdoeslendarticles？WILLIAMPAGEArticlesareborrowedofthepronoun，andbethusdeclined，Singulariter，nominativo，hic，haec，hoc。SIRHUGHEVANSNominativo，hig，hag，hog；prayyou，mark：
genitivo，hujus。Well，whatisyouraccusativecase？WILLIAMPAGEAccusativo，hinc。SIRHUGHEVANSIprayyou，haveyourremembrance，child，accusative，hung，hang，hog。MISTRESSQUICKLY’Hang—hog’isLatinforbacon，Iwarrantyou。SIRHUGHEVANSLeaveyourprabbles，’oman。Whatisthefocativecase，William？WILLIAMPAGEO，——vocativo，O。SIRHUGHEVANSRemember，William；focativeiscaret。MISTRESSQUICKLYAndthat’sagoodroot。SIRHUGHEVANS’Oman，forbear。MISTRESSPAGEPeace!SIRHUGHEVANSWhatisyourgenitivecaseplural，William？WILLIAMPAGEGenitivecase!SIRHUGHEVANSAy。WILLIAMPAGEGenitive，——horum，harum，horum。MISTRESSQUICKLYVengeanceofJenny’scase!fieonher!
nevernameher，child，ifshebeawhore。SIRHUGHEVANSForshame，’oman。MISTRESSQUICKLYYoudoilltoteachthechildsuchwords：
heteacheshimtohickandtohack，whichthey’lldofastenoughofthemselves，andtocall’horum：’
fieuponyou!SIRHUGHEVANS’Oman，artthoulunatics？hastthounounderstandingsforthycasesandthenumbersofthegenders？ThouartasfoolishChristiancreaturesasIwoulddesires。MISTRESSPAGEPrithee，holdthypeace。SIRHUGHEVANSShowmenow，William，somedeclensionsofyourpronouns。WILLIAMPAGEForsooth，Ihaveforgot。SIRHUGHEVANSItisqui，quae，quod：ifyouforgetyour’quies，’
your’quaes，’andyour’quods，’youmustbepreeches。Goyourways，andplay；go。MISTRESSPAGEHeisabetterscholarthanIthoughthewas。SIRHUGHEVANSHeisagoodspragmemory。Farewell，MistressPage。MISTRESSPAGEAdieu，goodSirHugh。
ExitSIRHUGHEVANS
Getyouhome，boy。Come，westaytoolong。
ExeuntSCENEII。AroominFORD’Shouse。EnterFALSTAFFandMISTRESSFORDFALSTAFFMistressFord，yoursorrowhatheatenupmysufferance。Iseeyouareobsequiousinyourlove，andIprofessrequitaltoahair’sbreadth；notonly，MistressFord，inthesimpleofficeoflove，butinalltheaccoutrement，complementandceremonyofit。Butareyousureofyourhusbandnow？MISTRESSFORDHe’sa—birding，sweetSirJohn。MISTRESSPAGE[Within]What，ho，gossipFord!what，ho!MISTRESSFORDStepintothechamber，SirJohn。
ExitFALSTAFF
EnterMISTRESSPAGEMISTRESSPAGEHownow，sweetheart!who’sathomebesidesyourself？MISTRESSFORDWhy，nonebutmineownpeople。MISTRESSPAGEIndeed!MISTRESSFORDNo，certainly。
AsidetoherSpeaklouder。MISTRESSPAGETruly，Iamsogladyouhavenobodyhere。MISTRESSFORDWhy？MISTRESSPAGEWhy，woman，yourhusbandisinhisoldlunesagain：
hesotakesonyonderwithmyhusband；sorailsagainstallmarriedmankind；socursesallEve’sdaughters，ofwhatcomplexionsoever；andsobuffetshimselfontheforehead，crying，’Peerout，peerout!’thatanymadnessIeveryetbeheldseemedbuttameness，civilityandpatience，tothishisdistemperheisinnow：Iamgladthefatknightisnothere。MISTRESSFORDWhy，doeshetalkofhim？MISTRESSPAGEOfnonebuthim；andswearshewascarriedout，thelasttimehesearchedforhim，inabasket；proteststomyhusbandheisnowhere，andhathdrawnhimandtherestoftheircompanyfromtheirsport，tomakeanotherexperimentofhissuspicion：butIamgladtheknightisnothere；nowheshallseehisownfoolery。MISTRESSFORDHownearishe，MistressPage？MISTRESSPAGEHardby；atstreetend；hewillbehereanon。MISTRESSFORDIamundone!Theknightishere。MISTRESSPAGEWhythenyouareutterlyshamed，andhe’sbutadeadman。Whatawomanareyou!——Awaywithhim，awaywithhim!bettershamethanmurder。FORDWhichwayshouldbego？howshouldIbestowhim？
ShallIputhimintothebasketagain？
Re—enterFALSTAFFFALSTAFFNo，I’llcomenomorei’thebasket。MayInotgoouterehecome？MISTRESSPAGEAlas，threeofMasterFord’sbrotherswatchthedoorwithpistols，thatnoneshallissueout；otherwiseyoumightslipawayerehecame。Butwhatmakeyouhere？FALSTAFFWhatshallIdo？I’llcreepupintothechimney。MISTRESSFORDTheretheyalwaysusetodischargetheirbirding—pieces。Creepintothekiln—hole。FALSTAFFWhereisit？MISTRESSFORDHewillseekthere，onmyword。Neitherpress，coffer，chest，trunk，well，vault，buthehathanabstractfortheremembranceofsuchplaces，andgoestothembyhisnote：thereisnohidingyouinthehouse。FALSTAFFI’llgooutthen。MISTRESSPAGEIfyougooutinyourownsemblance，youdie，SirJohn。Unlessyougooutdisguised——MISTRESSFORDHowmightwedisguisehim？MISTRESSPAGEAlastheday，Iknownot!Thereisnowoman’sgownbigenoughforhimotherwisehemightputonahat，amufflerandakerchief，andsoescape。FALSTAFFGoodhearts，devisesomething：anyextremityratherthanamischief。MISTRESSFORDMymaid’saunt，thefatwomanofBrentford，hasagownabove。MISTRESSPAGEOnmyword，itwillservehim；she’sasbigasheis：andthere’sherthrummedhatandhermufflertoo。Runup，SirJohn。MISTRESSFORDGo，go，sweetSirJohn：MistressPageandIwilllooksomelinenforyourhead。MISTRESSPAGEQuick，quick!we’llcomedressyoustraight：
putonthegownthewhile。
ExitFALSTAFFMISTRESSFORDIwouldmyhusbandwouldmeethiminthisshape：hecannotabidetheoldwomanofBrentford；heswearsshe’sawitch；forbadehermyhouseandhaththreatenedtobeather。MISTRESSPAGEHeavenguidehimtothyhusband’scudgel，andthedevilguidehiscudgelafterwards!MISTRESSFORDButismyhusbandcoming？MISTRESSPAGEAh，ingoodsadness，ishe；andtalksofthebaskettoo，howsoeverhehathhadintelligence。MISTRESSFORDWe’lltrythat；forI’llappointmymentocarrythebasketagain，tomeethimatthedoorwithit，astheydidlasttime。MISTRESSPAGENay，buthe’llbeherepresently：let’sgodresshimlikethewitchofBrentford。MISTRESSFORDI’llfirstdirectmymenwhattheyshalldowiththebasket。Goup；I’llbringlinenforhimstraight。
ExitMISTRESSPAGEHanghim，dishonestvarlet!wecannotmisusehimenough。
We’llleaveaproof，bythatwhichwewilldo，Wivesmaybemerry，andyethonesttoo：
Wedonotactthatoftenjestandlaugh；
’Tisold，buttrue，Stillswineeatallthedraff。
ExitRe—enterMISTRESSFORDwithtwoServantsMISTRESSFORDGo，sirs，takethebasketagainonyourshoulders：
yourmasterishardatdoor；ifhebidyousetitdown，obeyhim：quickly，dispatch。
ExitFirstServantCome，come，takeitup。SecondServantPrayheavenitbenotfullofknightagain。FirstServantIhopenot；Ihadasliefbearsomuchlead。
EnterFORD，PAGE，SHALLOW，DOCTORCAIUS，andSIRHUGHEVANSFORDAy，butifitprovetrue，MasterPage，haveyouanywaythentounfoolmeagain？Setdownthebasket，villain!Somebodycallmywife。Youthinabasket!
Oyoupanderlyrascals!there’saknot，aging，apack，aconspiracyagainstme：nowshallthedevilbeshamed。What，wife，Isay!Come，comeforth!
Beholdwhathonestclothesyousendforthtobleaching!PAGEWhy，thispasses，MasterFord；youarenottogolooseanylonger；youmustbepinioned。SIRHUGHEVANSWhy，thisislunatics!thisismadasamaddog!SHALLOWIndeed，MasterFord，thisisnotwell，indeed。FORDSosayItoo，sir。
Re—enterMISTRESSFORD
Comehither，MistressFord；MistressFordthehonestwoman，themodestwife，thevirtuouscreature，thathaththejealousfooltoherhusband!Isuspectwithoutcause，mistress，doI？MISTRESSFORDHeavenbemywitnessyoudo，ifyoususpectmeinanydishonesty。FORDWellsaid，brazen—face!holditout。
Comeforth，sirrah!
PullingclothesoutofthebasketPAGEThispasses!MISTRESSFORDAreyounotashamed？lettheclothesalone。FORDIshallfindyouanon。SIRHUGHEVANS’Tisunreasonable!Willyoutakeupyourwife’sclothes？Comeaway。FORDEmptythebasket，Isay!MISTRESSFORDWhy，man，why？FORDMasterPage，asIamaman，therewasoneconveyedoutofmyhouseyesterdayinthisbasket：whymaynothebethereagain？InmyhouseIamsureheis：
myintelligenceistrue；myjealousyisreasonable。
Pluckmeoutallthelinen。MISTRESSFORDIfyoufindamanthere，heshalldieaflea’sdeath。PAGEHere’snoman。SHALLOWBymyfidelity，thisisnotwell，MasterFord；thiswrongsyou。SIRHUGHEVANSMasterFord，youmustpray，andnotfollowtheimaginationsofyourownheart：thisisjealousies。FORDWell，he’snothereIseekfor。PAGENo，nornowhereelsebutinyourbrain。FORDHelptosearchmyhousethisonetime。
IfIfindnotwhatIseek，shownocolourformyextremity；
letmeforeverbeyourtable—sport；letthemsayofme，’AsjealousasFord，Chatsearchedahollowwalnutforhiswife’sleman。’Satisfymeoncemore；
oncemoresearchwithme。MISTRESSFORDWhat，ho，MistressPage!comeyouandtheoldwomandown；myhusbandwillcomeintothechamber。FORDOldwoman!whatoldwoman’sthat？MISTRESSFORDNay，itismymaid’sauntofBrentford。FORDAwitch，aquean，anoldcozeningquean!
HaveInotforbidhermyhouse？Shecomesoferrands，doesshe？Wearesimplemen；wedonotknowwhat’sbroughttopassundertheprofessionoffortune—telling。Sheworksbycharms，byspells，bythefigure，andsuchdauberyasthisis，beyondourelementweknownothing。Comedown，youwitch，youhag，you；comedown，Isay!MISTRESSFORDNay，good，sweethusband!Goodgentlemen，lethimnotstriketheoldwoman。
Re—enterFALSTAFFinwoman’sclothes，andMISTRESSPAGEMISTRESSPAGECome，MotherPrat；come，givemeyourhand。FORDI’llprather。
BeatinghimOutofmydoor，youwitch，youhag，youbaggage，youpolecat，yourunyon!out，out!I’llconjureyou，I’llfortune—tellyou。
ExitFALSTAFFMISTRESSPAGEAreyounotashamed？Ithinkyouhavekilledthepoorwoman。MISTRESSFORDNay，hewilldoit。’Tisagoodlycreditforyou。FORDHangher，witch!SIRHUGHEVANSBytheyeaandno，Ithinkthe’omanisawitchindeed：Ilikenotwhena’omanhasagreatpeard；
Ispyagreatpeardunderhismuffler。FORDWillyoufollow，gentlemen？Ibeseechyou，follow；
seebuttheissueofmyjealousy：ifIcryoutthusuponnotrail，nevertrustmewhenIopenagain。PAGELet’sobeyhishumouralittlefurther：
come，gentlemen。
