JohnnyTarleton，anordinaryyoungbusinessmanofthirtyorless，istakinghisweeklyFridaytoTuesdayinthehouseofhisfather，JohnTarleton，whohasmadeagreatdealofmoneyoutofTarleton’sUnderwear。ThehouseisinSurrey，ontheslopeofHindhead；andJohnny，reclining，novelinhand，inaswingingchairwithalittleawningaboveit，isenshrinedinaspacioushalfhemisphereofglasswhichformsapavilioncommandingthegarden，and，beyondit，abarrenbutlovelylandscapeofhillprofilewithfirtrees，commonsofbrackenandgorse，andwonderfulcloudpictures。_
_Theglasspavilionspringsfromabridgelikearchinthewallofthehouse，throughwhichonecomesintoabighallwithtiledflooring，whichsuggeststhattheproprietor’snotionofdomesticluxuryisfoundedontheloungesofweek—endhotels。Thearchisnotquiteinthecentreofthewall。Thereismorewalltoitsrightthantoitsleft，andthisspaceisoccupiedbyahatrackandumbrellastandinwhichtennisrackets，whiteparasols，caps，Panamahats，andothersummeryarticlesarebestowed。JustthroughthearchatthiscornerstandsanewportableTurkishbath，recentlyunpacked，withitscratebesideit，andonthecratethedrawnnailsandthehammerusedinunpacking。Nearthecrateareopenboxesofgardengames：bowlsandcroquet。Nearlyinthemiddleoftheglasswallofthepavilionisadoorgivingonthegarden，withacoupleofstepstosurmountthehot—waterpipeswhichskirttheglass。AtintervalsroundthepavilionaremarblepillarswithspecimensofViennesepotteryonthem，veryflamboyantincolourandfloridindesign。Betweenthemarefoldedgardenchairsflunganyhowagainstthepipes。Inthesidewallsaretwodoors：onenearthehatstand，leadingtotheinteriorofthehouse，theotherontheoppositesideandattheotherend，leadingtothevestibule。_
_Thereisnosolidfurnitureexceptasideboardwhichstandsagainstthewallbetweenthevestibuledoorandthepavilion，asmallwritingtablewithablotter，arackfortelegramformsandstationery，andawastepaperbasket，standingoutinthehallnearthesideboard，andalady’sworktable，withtwochairsatit，towardstheothersideofthelounge。Thewritingtablehasalsotwochairsatit。Onthesideboardthereisatantalus，liqueurbottles，asyphon，aglassjugoflemonade，tumblers，andeveryconvenienceforcasualdrinking。
Alsoaplateofspongecakes，andahighlyornatepunchbowlinthesamestyleasthekeramicdisplayinthepavilion。Wickerchairsandlittlebambootableswithashtraysandboxesofmatchesonthemarescatteredinalldirections。Inthepavilion，whichisfloodedwithsunshine，istheelaboratepatentswingseatandawninginwhichJohnnyreclineswithhisnovel。Therearetwowickerchairsrightandleftofhim。_
_BentleySummerhays，oneofthosesmallish，thinskinnedyouths，whofrom17to70retainunalteredthementalairsofthelaterandthephysicalappearanceoftheearlierage，appearsinthegardenandcomesthroughtheglassdoorintothepavilion。HeisunmistakablyagradeaboveJohnnysocially；andthoughhelookssensitiveenough，hisassuranceandhishighvoicearealittleexasperating。_
JOHNNY。Hallo!Wheresyourluggage？
BENTLEY。Ileftitatthestation。IvewalkedupfromHaslemere。
_[Hegoestothehatstandandhangsuphishat]。_
JOHNNY_[shortly]_Oh!Andwho’stofetchit？
BENTLEY。Dontknow。Dontcare。Providence，probably。Ifnot，yourmotherwillhaveitfetched。
JOHNNY。Notherbusiness，exactly，isit？
BENTLEY。_[returningtothepavilion]_Ofcoursenot。Thatswhyonelovesherfordoingit。Lookhere：chuckawayyoursillyweek—endnovel，andtalktoachap。Afteraweekinthatfilthyofficemybrainissimplyblue—mouldy。Letsargueaboutsomethingintellectual。
_[HethrowshimselfintothewickerchaironJohnny’sright]。_
JOHNNY。_[straighteningupintheswingwithayellofprotest]_No。
Nowseriously，Bunny，Ivecomedownheretohaveapleasantweek—end；
andI’mnotgoingtostandyourconfoundedarguments。Ifyouwanttoargue，getoutofthisandgoovertotheCongregationalistminister’s。He’sanaileratarguing。Helikesit。
BENTLEY。Youcantarguewithapersonwhenhislivelihooddependsonhisnotlettingyouconverthim。AndwouldyoumindnotcallingmeBunny。MynameisBentleySummerhays，whichyouplease。
JOHNNY。WhatsthematterwithBunny？
BENTLEY。Itputsmeinafalseposition。HaveyoueverconsideredthefactthatIwasanafterthought？
JOHNNY。Anafterthought？Whatdoyoumeanbythat？
BENTLEY。I——
JOHNNY。No，stop：Idontwanttoknow。It’sonlyadodgetostartanargument。
BENTLEY。Dontbeafraid：itwontovertaxyourbrain。Myfatherwas44whenIwasborn。Mymotherwas41。Therewastwelveyearsbetweenmeandthenexteldest。Iwasunexpected。Iwasprobablyunintentional。Mybrothersandsistersarenottheleastlikeme。
Theyretheregularthingthatyoualwaysgetinthefirstbatchfromyoungparents：quitepleasant，ordinary，do—the—regular—thingsort：
allbodyandnobrains，likeyou。
JOHNNY。Thankyou。
BENTLEY。Dontmentionit，oldchap。NowI’mdifferent。BythetimeIwasborn，theoldcoupleknewsomething。SoIcameoutallbrainsandnomorebodythanisabsolutelynecessary。Iamreallyagooddealolderthanyou，thoughyouwereborntenyearssooner。Everybodyfeelsthatwhentheyhearustalk；consequently，thoughit’squitenaturaltohearmecallingyouJohnny，itsoundsridiculousandunbecomingforyoutocallmeBunny。_[Herises]。_
JOHNNY。Doesit，byGeorge？Youstopmedoingitifyoucan：thatsall。
BENTLEY。IfyougoondoingitafterIveaskedyounot，youllfeelanawfulswine。_[Hestrollsawaycarelesslytothesideboardwithhiseyeonthespongecakes]。_AtleastIshould；butIsupposeyourenotsoparticular。
JOHNNY_[risingvengefullyandfollowingBentley，whoisforcedtoturnandlisten]_I’lltellyouwhatitis，myboy：youwantagoodtalkingto；andI’mgoingtogiveittoyou。Ifyouthinkthatbecauseyourfather’saK。C。B。，andyouwanttomarrymysister，youcanmakeyourselfasnastyasyoupleaseandsaywhatyoulike，youremistaken。LetmetellyouthatexceptHypatia，notonepersoninthishouseisinfavorofhermarryingyou；andIdontbelievesheshappyaboutitherself。Thematchisntsettledyet：dontforgetthat。
YoureontrialintheofficebecausetheGovernorisntgivinghisdaughtermoneyforanidlemantoliveonher。Youreontrialherebecausemymotherthinksagirlshouldknowwhatamanislikeinthehousebeforeshemarrieshim。Thatsbeengoingonfortwomonthsnow；
andwhatstheresult？Youvegotyourselfthoroughlydislikedintheoffice；andyouregettingyourselfthoroughlydislikedhere，allthroughyourbadmannersandyourconceit，andthedamnedimpudenceyouthinkclever。
BENTLEY。_[deeplywoundedandtryinghardtocontrolhimself]_Thatsenough，thankyou。Youdontsuppose，Ihope，thatIshouldhavecomedownifIhadknownthatthatwashowyoufeltaboutme。_[Hemakesforthevestibuledoor]。_
JOHNNY。_[collaringhim]。_No：youdontrunaway。I’mgoingtohavethisoutwithyou。Sitdown：d’y’hear？_[Bentleyattemptstogowithdignity。Johnnyslingshimintoachairatthewritingtable，wherehesits，bitterlyhumiliated，butafraidtospeaklestheshouldburstintotears]。_Thatstheadvantageofhavingmorebodythanbrains，yousee：itenablesmetoteachyoumanners；andI’mgoingtodoittoo。Youreaspoiltyoungpup；andyouneedajollygoodlicking。Andifyourenotcarefulyoullgetit：I’llseetothatnexttimeyoucallmeaswine。
BENTLEY。Ididntcallyouaswine。But_[burstingintoafuryoftears]_youareaswine：youreabeast：youreabrute：youreacad：yourealiar：youreabully：Ishouldliketowringyourdamnedneckforyou。
JOHNNY。_[withaderisivelaugh]_Tryit，myson。_[Bentleygivesaninarticulatesobofrage]。_Fightingisntinyourline。Youretoosmallandyouretoochildish。Ialwayssuspectedthatyourclevernesswouldntcometoverymuchwhenitwasbroughtupagainstsomethingsolid：somedecentchap’sfist，forinstance。
BENTLEY。Ihopeyourbeastlyfistmaycomeupagainstamadbulloraprizefighter’snose，orsomethingsoliderthanme。Idontcareaboutyourfist；butifeverybodyheredislikesme——_[heischeckedbyasob]。_Well，Idontcare。_[Tryingtorecoverhimself]_I’msorryI
intruded：Ididntknow。_[Breakingdownagain]_Ohyoubeast!youpig!Swine，swine，swine，swine，swine!Now!
JOHNNY。Allright，mylad，allright。Slingyourmudashardasyouplease：itwontsticktome。WhatIwanttoknowisthis。Howisitthatyourfather，whoIsupposeisthestrongestmanEnglandhasproducedinourtime——
BENTLEY。Yougotthatoutofyourhalfpennypaper。Alotyouknowabouthim!
JOHNNY。IdontsetuptobeabletodoanythingbutadmirehimandappreciatehimandbeproudofhimasanEnglishman。Ifitwasntformyrespectforhim，Iwouldnthavestoodyourcheekfortwodays，letalonetwomonths。ButwhatIcantunderstandiswhyhedidntlickitoutofyouwhenyouwereakid。Fortwenty—fiveyearshekeptaplacetwiceasbigasEnglandinorder：aplacefullofseditiouscoffee—coloredheathensandpestilentialwhiteagitatorsinthemiddleofalotofsavagetribes。Andyethecouldntkeepyouinorder。I
dontsetuptobehalfthemanyourfatherundoubtedlyis；but，byGeorge，it’sluckyforyouyouwerenotmyson。Idontholdwithmyownfather’sviewsaboutcorporalpunishmentbeingwrong。It’snecessaryforsomepeople；andI’dhavetrieditonyouuntilyoufirstlearnttohowlandthentobehaveyourself。
BENTLEY。_[contemptuously]_Yes：behaviorwouldntcomenaturallytoyourson，wouldit？
JOHNNY。_[stungintosuddenviolence]_Nowyoukeepaciviltongueinyourhead。I’llstandnoneofyoursnobbery。I’mjustasproudofTarleton’sUnderwearasyouareofyourfather’stitleandhisK。C。B。，andalltherestofit。MyfatherbeganinalittleholeofashopinLeedsnobiggerthanourpantrydownthepassagethere。He——
BENTLEY。Ohyes：Iknow。Ivereadit。\"TheRomanceofBusiness，orTheStoryofTarleton’sUnderwear。PleaseTakeOne!\"ItookonethedayafterIfirstmetHypatia。Iwentandboughthalfadozenunshrinkablevestsforhersake。
JOHNNY。Well：didtheyshrink？
BENTLEY。Oh，dontbeafool。
JOHNNY。NevermindwhetherI’mafoolornot。Didtheyshrink？
Thatsthepoint。Weretheyworththemoney？
BENTLEY。Icouldntwearthem：doyouthinkmyskin’sasthickasyourcustomers’hides？I’dassoonhavedressedmyselfinanutmeggrater。
JOHNNY。Pityyourfatherdidntgiveyourthinskinajollygoodlacingwithacane——!
BENTLEY。Pityyouhavntgotmorethanoneidea!Ifyouwanttoknow，theydidtrythatonmeonce，whenIwasasmallkid。Asillygovernessdidit。Iyelledfittobringdownthehouseandwentintoconvulsionsandbrainfeverandthatsortofthingforthreeweeks。
Sotheoldgirlgotthesack；andserveherright!Afterthat，IwasletdowhatIlike。Myfatherdidntwantmetogrowupabroken—spiritedspaniel，whichisyourideaofaman，Isuppose。
JOHNNY。Jollygoodthingforyouthatmyfathermadeyoucomeintotheofficeandshewwhatyouweremadeof。Anditdidntcometomuch：
letmetellyouthat。WhentheGovernoraskedmewhereIthoughtweoughttoputyou，Isaid，\"MakehimtheOfficeBoy。\"TheGovernorsaidyouweretoogreen。Andsoyouwere。
BENTLEY。Idaresay。Sowouldyoubeprettygreenifyouwereshovedintomyfather’sset。Ipickedupyoursillybusinessinafortnight。
Youvebeenatittenyears；andyouhavntpickeditupyet。
JOHNNY。Donttalkrot，child。Youknowyousimplymakemepityyou。
BENTLEY。\"RomanceofBusiness\"indeed!TherealromanceofTarleton’sbusinessisthestorythatyouunderstandanythingaboutit。YounevercouldexplainanymortalthingaboutittomewhenI
askedyou。\"Seewhatwasdonethelasttime\"：thatwasthebeginningandtheendofyourwisdom。Yourenothingbutaturnspit。
JOHNNY。Awhat!
BENTLEY。Aturnspit。Ifyourfatherhadntmadearoastingjackforyoutoturn，youdbeearningtwenty—fourshillingsaweekbehindacounter。
JOHNNY。Ifyoudonttakethatbackandapologizeforyourbadmanners，I’llgiveyouasgoodahidingasever——
BENTLEY。Help!Johnny’sbeatingme!Oh!Murder!_[Hethrowshimselfontheground，utteringpiercingyells]。_
JOHNNY。Dontbeafool。Stopthatnoise，willyou。I’mnotgoingtotouchyou。Sh——sh——
_Hypatiarushesinthroughtheinnerdoor，followedbyMrsTarleton，andthrowsherselfonherkneesbyBentley。MrsTarleton，whosekneesarestiffer，bendsoverhimandtriestolifthim。MrsTarletonisashrewdandmotherlyoldladywhohasbeenprettyinhertime，andisstillverypleasantandlikeableandunaffected。HypatiaisatypicalEnglishgirlofasortnevercalledtypical：thatis，shehasanopaquewhiteskin，blackhair，largedarkeyeswithblackbrowsandlashes，curvedlips，swiftglancesandmovementsthatflashoutofawaitingstillness，boundlessenergyandaudacityheldinleash。_
HYPATIA。_[pouncingonBentleywithnoverygentlehand]_Bentley：
whatsthematter？Dontcrylikethat：whatstheuse？Whatshappened？
MRSTARLETON。Areyouill，child？_[Theygethimup。There，there，pet!It’sallright：dontcry_[theyputhimintoachair]_：there!
there!there!Johnnywillgoforthedoctor；andhe’llgiveyousomethingnicetomakeitwell。
HYPATIA。Whathashappened，Johnny？
MRSTARLETON。Wasitawasp？
BENTLEY。_[impatiently]_Waspbedashed!
MRSTARLETON。OhBunny!thatwasanaughtyword。
BENTLEY。Yes，Iknow：Ibegyourpardon。_[Herises，andextricateshimselffromthem]_Thatsallright。Johnnyfrightenedme。Youknowhoweasyitistohurtme；andI’mtoosmalltodefendmyselfagainstJohnny。
MRSTARLETON。Johnny：howoftenhaveItoldyouthatyoumustnotbullythelittleones。Ithoughtyoudoutgrownallthat。
HYPATIA。_[angrily]_Idodeclare，mamma，thatJohnny’sbrutalitymakesitimpossibletoliveinthehousewithhim。
JOHNNY。_[deeplyhurt]_It’stwenty—sevenyears，mother，sinceyouhadthatrowwithmeforlickingRobertandgivingHypatiaablackeyebecauseshebitme。IpromisedyouthenthatI’dneverraisemyhandtooneofthemagain；andIveneverbrokenmyword。Andnowbecausethisyoungwhelpbeginstocryoutbeforehe’shurt，youtreatmeasifIwereabruteandasavage。
MRSTARLETON。Nodear，notasavage；butyouknowyoumustnotcallourvisitornaughtynames。
BENTLEY。Oh，lethimalone——
JOHNNY。_[fiercely]_Dontyouinterferebetweenmymotherandme：
d’y’hear？
HYPATIA。Johnny’slosthistemper，mother。We’dbettergo。Come，Bentley。
MRSTARLETON。Yes：thatwillbebest。_[ToBentley]_Johnnydoesntmeananyharm，dear：he’llbehimselfpresently。Come。
_ThetwoladiesgooutthroughtheinnerdoorwithBentley，whoturnsatthedoortogrinatJohnnyashegoesout。_
_Johnny，leftalone，clencheshisfistsandgrindshisteeth，butcanfindnoreliefinthatwayforhisrage。Afterchokingandstampingforamoment，hemakesforthevestibuledoor。Itopensbeforehereachesit；andLordSummerhayscomesin。Johnnyglaresathim，speechless。LordSummerhaystakesinthesituation，andquicklytakesthepunchbowlfromthesideboardandoffersittoJohnny。_
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Smashit。Donthesitate：it’sanuglything。
Smashit：hard。_[Johnny，withastifledyell，dashesitinpieces，andthensitsdownandmopshisbrow]。_Feelbetternow？_[Johnnynods]。_Iknowonlyonepersonalivewhocoulddrivemetothepointofhavingeithertobreakchinaorcommitmurder；andthatpersonismysonBentley。Wasithe？_[Johnnynodsagain，notyetabletospeak]。_AsthecarstoppedIheardayellwhichisonlytoofamiliartome。ItgenerallymeansthatsomeinfuriatedpersonistryingtothrashBentley。Nobodyhaseversucceeded，thoughalmosteverybodyhastried。_[Heseatshimselfcomfortablyclosetothewritingtable，andsetstoworktocollectthefragmentsofthepunchbowlinthewastepaperbasketwhilstJohnny，withdiminishingdifficulty，collectshimself]。_BentleyisaproblemwhichIconfessIhaveneverbeenabletosolve。Hewasborntobeagreatsuccessattheageoffifty。
MostEnglishmenofhisclassseemtobeborntobegreatsuccessesattheageoftwenty—fouratmost。ThedomesticproblemformeishowtoendureBentleyuntilheisfifty。Theproblemforthenationishowtogetitselfgovernedbymenwhosegrowthisarrestedwhentheyarelittlemorethancollegelads。Bentleydoesntreallymeantobeoffensive。Youcanalwaysmakehimcrybytellinghimyoudontlikehim。Only，hecriessoloudthattheexperimentshouldbemadeintheopenair：inthemiddleofSalisburyPlainifpossible。Hehasahardandpenetratingintellectandaremarkablepoweroflookingfactsintheface；butunfortunately，beingveryyoung，hehasnoideaofhowverylittleofthatsortofthingmostofuscanstand。Ontheotherhand，heisfrightfullysensitiveandevenaffectionate；sothatheprobablygetsasmuchashegivesinthewayofhurtfeelings。
Youllexcusemeramblingonlikethisaboutmyson。
JOHNNY。_[whohaspulledhimselftogether]_Youdiditonpurpose。
Iwasntquitemyself：Ineededamomenttopullround：thankyou。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Notatall。Isyourfatherathome？
JOHNNY。No：he’sopeningoneofhisfreelibraries。Thatsanothernicelittlepennygone。He’smadonreading。Hepromisedanotherfreelibrarylastweek。It’sruinous。ItllhityouaswellasmewhenBunnymarriesHypatia。WhenallHypatia’smoneyisthrownawayonlibraries，wherewillBunnycomein？Cantyoustophim？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。I’mafraidnot。Hesaperfectwhirlwind。
Indefatigableatpublicwork。Wonderfulman，Ithink。
JOHNNY。Oh，publicwork!Hedoestoomuchofit。It’sreallyasortoflaziness，gettingawayfromyourownseriousbusinesstoamuseyourselfwithotherpeople’s。Mind：Idontsaythereisntanothersidetoit。Ithasitsvalueasanadvertisement。Itmakesusefulacquaintancesandleadstovaluablebusinessconnections。Butittakeshismindoffthemainchance；andheoverdoesit。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Thedangerofpublicbusinessisthatitneverends。
Amanmaykillhimselfatit。
JOHNNY。Orhecanspendmoreonitthanitbringshimin：thatshowIlookatit。WhatIsayisthateverybody’sbusinessisnobody’sbusiness。IhopeI’mnotahardman，noranarrowman，norunwillingtopayreasonabletaxes，andsubscribeinreasontodeservingcharities，andevenserveonajuryinmyturn；andnomancansayI
everrefusedtohelpafriendoutofadifficultywhenhewasworthhelping。Butwhenyouaskmetogobeyondthat，ItellyoufranklyI
dontseeit。Ineverdidseeit，evenwhenIwasonlyaboy，andhadtopretendtotakeinalltheideastheGovernorfedmeupwith。I
didntseeit；andIdontseeit。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Thereiscertainlynobusinessreasonwhyyoushouldtakemorethanyourshareoftheworld’swork。
JOHNNY。SoIsay。It’sreallyagreatencouragementtometofindyouagreewithme。Forofcourseifnobodyagreeswithyou，howareyoutoknowthatyourenotafool？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Quiteso。
JOHNNY。Iwishyoudtalktohimaboutit。It’snousemysayinganything：I’machildtohimstill：Ihavenoinfluence。Besides，youknowhowtohandlemen。SeehowyouhandledmewhenIwasmakingafoolofmyselfaboutBunny!
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Notatall。
JOHNNY。OhyesIwas：IknowIwas。Well，ifmyblessedfatherhadcomeinhe’dhavetoldmetocontrolmyself。AsifIwaslosingmytemperonpurpose!
_Bentleyreturns，newlywashed。Hebeamswhenheseeshisfather，andcomesaffectionatelybehindhimandpatshimontheshoulders。_
BENTLEY。Hel—lo，commander!haveyoucome？Ivebeenmakingafilthysillyassofmyselfhere。I’mawfullysorry，Johnny，oldchap：Ibegyourpardon。WhydontyoukickmewhenIgoonlikethat？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。AswecamethroughGodalmingIthoughtIheardsomeyelling——
BENTLEY。Ishouldthinkyoudid。Johnnywasratherroughonme，though。Hetoldmenobodyherelikedme；andIwassillyenoughtobelievehim。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Andallthewomenhavebeenkissingyouandpityingyoueversincetostopyourcrying，Isuppose。Baby!
BENTLEY。Ididcry。ButIalwaysfeelgoodaftercrying：itrelievesmywretchednerves。Ifeelperfectlyjollynow。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Notatallashamedofyourself，forinstance？
BENTLEY。IfIstartedbeingashamedofmyselfIshouldnthavetimeforanythingelseallmylife。Isay：Ifeelveryfitandspry。
LetsallgodownandmeettheGrandCham。_[Hegoestothehatstandandtakesdownhishat]。_
LORDSUMMERHAYS。DoesMrTarletonliketobecalledtheGrandCham，doyouthink，Bentley？
BENTLEY。Well，hethinkshestoomodestforit。HecallshimselfPlainJohn。Butyoucantcallhimthatinhisownoffice：besides，itdoesntsuithim：it’snotflamboyantenough。
JOHNNY。Flamwhat？
BENTLEY。Flamboyant。Letsgoandmeethim。HestelephonedfromGuildfordtosayhesontheroad。Thedearoldsonisalwaystelephoningortelegraphing：hethinksheshustlingalonglikeanythingwhenhesonlysendingunnecessarymessages。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Thankyou：Ishouldpreferaquietafternoon。
BENTLEY。Right0。IshantpressJohnny：heshadenoughofmeforoneweek—end。_[Hegoesoutthroughthepavilionintothegrounds]。_
JOHNNY。Notabadidea，that。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。What？
JOHNNY。GoingtomeettheGovernor。Youknowyouwouldntthinkit；
buttheGovernorlikesBunnyrather。AndBunnyiscultivatingit。I
shouldntbesurprisedifhethoughthecouldsqueezemeoutoneofthesedays。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Youdontsayso!Youngrascal!Iwanttoconsultyouabouthim，ifyoudontmind。ShallwestrollovertotheGibbet？
Bentleyistoofastformeasawalkingcompanion；butIshouldlikeashortturn。
JOHNNY。_[risingeagerly，highlyflattered]_Rightyouare。Thatllsuitmedowntotheground。_[HetakesaPanamaandstickfromthehatstand]。_
_MrsTarletonandHypatiacomebackjustasthetwomenaregoingout。
HypatiasalutesSummerhaysfromadistancewithanenigmaticliftofhereyelidsinhisdirectionandademurenodbeforeshesitsdownattheworktableandbusiesherselfwithherneedle。MrsTarleton，hospitablyfussy，goesovertohim。_
MRSTARLETON。Oh，LordSummerhays，Ididntknowyouwerehere。Wontyouhavesometea？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。No，thankyou：I’mnotallowedtea。AndI’mashamedtosayIveknockedoveryourbeautifulpunch—bowl。Youmustletmereplaceit。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，itdoesntmatter：I’monlytoogladtoberidofit。Theshopmantoldmeitwasinthebesttaste；butwhenmypooroldnurseMarthagotcataract，BunnysaiditwasamercifulprovisionofNaturetopreventherseeingourchina。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[gravely]_ThatwasexceedinglyrudeofBentley，MrsTarleton。Ihopeyoutoldhimso。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，blessyou!Idontcarewhathesays；solongashesaysittomeandnotbeforevisitors。
JOHNNY。We’regoingoutforastroll，mother。
MRSTARLETON。Allright：dontletuskeepyou。Nevermindaboutthatcrock：I’llgetthegirltocomeandtakethepiecesaway。
_[Recollectingherself]_There!Ivedoneitagain!
JOHNNY。Donewhat？
MRSTARLETON。Calledherthegirl。Youknow，LordSummerhays，itsafunnything；butnowI’mgettingold，I’mdroppingbackintoallthewaysJohnandIhadwhenwehadbarelyahundredayear。YoushouldhaveknownmewhenIwasforty!Italkedlikeaduchess；andifJohnnyorHypatialetslipawordthatwaslikeoldtimes，Iwasdownonthemlikeanything。AndnowI’mbeginningtodoitmyselfateveryturn。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Therecomesatimewhenallthatseemstomattersolittle。Evenqueensdropthemaskwhentheyreachourtimeoflife。
MRSTARLETON。Letyoualoneforgivingathingaprettyturn!Youreahumbug，youknow，LordSummerhays。Johndoesntknowit；andJohnnydoesntknowit；butyouandIknowit，dontwe？Nowthatssomethingthatevenyoucantanswer；sobeoffwithyouforyourwalkwithoutanotherword。
_LordSummerhayssmiles；bows；andgoesoutthroughthevestibuledoor，followedbyJohnny。MrsTarletonsitsdownattheworktableandtakesoutherdarningmaterialsandoneofherhusband’ssocks。
Hypatiaisattheothersideofthetable，onhermother’sright。
Theychatastheywork。
HYPATIA。Iwonderwhethertheylaughatuswhentheyarebythemselves!
MRSTARLETON。Who？
HYPATIA。Bentleyandhisfatherandallthetoffsintheirset。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，thatsonlytheirway。Iusedtothinkthatthearistocracywereanastysneeringlot，andthattheywerelaughingatmeandJohn。Theyrealwaysgigglingandpretendingnottocaremuchaboutanything。Butyougetusedtoit：theyrethesametooneanotherandtoeverybody。Besides，whatdoesitmatterwhattheythink？It’sfarworsewhentheyrecivil，becausethatalwaysmeansthattheywantyoutolendthemmoney；andyoumustneverdothat，Hypatia，becausetheyneverpay。Howcanthey？Theydontmakeanything，yousee。Ofcourse，ifyoucanmakeupyourmindtoregarditasagift，thatsdifferent；butthentheygenerallyaskyouagain；
andyoumayaswellsaynofirstaslast。Youneedntbeafraidofthearistocracy，dear：theyreonlyhumancreatureslikeourselvesafterall；andyoullholdyourownwiththemeasyenough。
HYPATIA。Oh，I’mnotabitafraidofthem，Iassureyou。
MRSTARLETON。Well，no，notafraidofthem，exactly；butyouvegottopickuptheirways。Youknow，dear，Ineverquiteagreedwithyourfather’snotionofkeepingclearofthem，andsendingyoutoaschoolthatwassoexpensivethattheycouldntaffordtosendtheirdaughtersthere；sothatallthegirlsbelongedtobigbusinessfamilieslikeourselves。Ittakesallsortstomakeaworld；andIwantedyoutoseealittleofallsorts。WhenyoumarryBunny，andgoamongthewomenofhisfather’sset，theyllshockyouatfirst。
HYPATIA。_[incredulously]_How？
MRSTARLETON。Well，thethingstheytalkabout。
HYPATIA。Oh!scandalmongering？
MRSTARLETON。Ohno：wealldothat：thatsonlyhumannature。Butyouknowtheyvenonotionofdecency。IshallneverforgetthefirstdayIspentwithamarchioness，twoduchesses，andnoendofLadiesThisandThat。Ofcourseitwasonlyacommittee：theydputmeontogetabigsubscriptionoutofJohn。I’dneverheardsuchtalkinmylife。Thethingstheymentioned!Anditwasthemarchionessthatstartedit。
HYPATIA。Whatsortofthings？
MRSTARLETON。Drainage!!She’dtriedthreesystemsinhercastle；
andshewasgoingtodoawaywiththemallandtryanother。Ididntknowwhichwaytolookwhenshebegantalkingaboutit：Ithoughttheydallhavegotupandgoneoutoftheroom。Butnotabitofit，ifyouplease。Theywerealljustasbadasshe。Theyallhadsystems；andeachofthemsworebyherownsystem。Isattherewithmycheeksburninguntiloneoftheduchesses，thinkingIlookedoutofit，Isuppose，askedmewhatsystemIhad。IsaidIwassureIknewnothingaboutsuchthings，andhadntwebetterchangethesubject。
Thenthefatwasinthefire，Icantellyou。Therewasaregularterrorofacountesswithananaerobicsystem；andshetoldme，downrightbrutally，thatI’dbetterlearnsomethingaboutthembeforemychildrendiedofdiphtheria。ThatwasjusttwomonthsafterI’dburiedpoorlittleBobby；andthatwastheverythinghediedof，poorlittlelamb!Iburstoutcrying：Icouldnthelpit。ItwasasgoodastellingmeI’dkilledmyownchild。Ihadtogoaway；butbeforeI
wasoutofthedooroneoftheduchesses——quiteayoungwoman——begantalkingaboutwhatsourmilkdidinherinsideandhowsheexpectedtolivetobeoverahundredifshetookitregularly。Andmelisteningtoher，thathadneverdaredtothinkthataduchesscouldhaveanythingsocommonasaninside!Ishouldnthavemindedifithadbeenchildren’sinsides：wehavetotalkaboutthem。Butgrown—uppeople!Iwasgladtogetawaythattime。
HYPATIA。Therewasaphysiologyandhygieneclassstartedatschool；
butofcoursenoneofourgirlswereletattendit。
MRSTARLETON。Ifithadbeenanaristocraticschoolplentywouldhaveattendedit。Thatswhattheyrelike：theyvenastyminds。Withreallynicegoodwomenathingiseitherdecentorindecent；andifit’sindecent，wejustdontmentionitorpretendtoknowaboutit；
andtheresanendofit。Butallthearistocracycaresaboutiswhetheritcangetanygoodoutofthething。TheyrewhatJohnnycallscynical—like。Andofcoursenobodycansayawordtothemforit。Theyresohighupthattheycandoandsaywhattheylike。
HYPATIA。Well，Ithinktheymightleavethedrainstotheirhusbands。
Ishouldntthinkmuchofamanthatleftsuchthingstome。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，dontthinkthat，dear，whateveryoudo。Ineverletonaboutittoyou；butit’smethattakescareofthedrainagehere。AfterwhatthatcountesssaidtomeIwasntgoingtoloseanotherchildortrustJohn。AndIdon’twantmygrandchildrentodieanymorethanmychildren。
HYPATIA。DoyouthinkBentleywilleverbeasbigamanashisfather？Idontmeanclever：Imeanbigandstrong。
MRSTARLETON。Nothe。Hesoverbred，likeoneofthoseexpensivelittledogs。Ilikeabitofamongrelmyself，whetherit’samanoradog：theyrethebestforeveryday。Butweallhaveourtastes：
whatsonewoman’smeatisanotherwoman’spoison。Bunny’sadearlittlefellow；butInevercouldhavefanciedhimforahusbandwhenI
wasyourage。
HYPATIA。Yes；buthehassomebrains。Hesnotlikealltherest。
Onecan’thaveeverything。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，yourequiteright，dear：quiteright。It’sagreatthingtohavebrains：lookwhatit’sdoneforyourfather!
ThatsthereasonIneversaidawordwhenyoujiltedpoorJerryMackintosh。
HYPATIA。_[excusingherself]_IreallycouldntstickitoutwithJerry，mother。Iknowyoulikedhim；andnobodycandenythathesasplendidanimal——
MRSTARLETON。_[shocked]_Hypatia!Howcanyou!Thethingsthatgirlssaynowadays!
HYPATIA。Well，whatelsecanyoucallhim？IfI’dbeendeaforhe’dbeendumb，Icouldhavemarriedhim。Butlivingwithfather，Ivegotaccustomedtocleverness。Jerrywoulddrivememad：youknowverywellhesafool：evenJohnnythinkshimafool。
MRSTARLETON。_[upinarmsatonceindefenceofherboy]_NowdontbeginaboutmyJohnny。Youknowitannoysme。Johnny’sascleverasanybodyelseinhisownway。Idontsayhesascleverasyouinsomeways；buthesaman，atallevents，andnotalittlesquitofathinglikeyourBunny。
HYPATIA。Oh，Isaynothingagainstyourdarling：weallknowJohnny’sperfection。
MRSTARLETON。Dontbecross，dearie。YouletJohnnyalone；andI’llletBunnyalone。I’mjustasbadasyou。There!
HYPATIA。Oh，IdontmindyoursayingthataboutBentley。It’strue。
Heisalittlesquitofathing。Iwishhewasnt。Butwhoelseisthere？ThinkofalltheotherchancesIvehad!NotoneofthemhasasmuchbrainsinhiswholebodyasBentleyhasinhislittlefinger。
Besides，theyvenodistinction。It’sasmuchasIcandototellonefromtheother。Theywouldntevenhavemoneyiftheywerentthesonsoftheirfathers，likeJohnny。Whatsagirltodo？InevermetanybodylikeBentleybefore。Hemaybesmall；buthesthebestofthebunch：youcantdenythat。
MRSTARLETON。_[withasigh]_Well，mypet，ifyoufancyhim，theresnomoretobesaid。
_Apausefollowsthisremark：thetwowomensewingsilently。_
HYPATIA。Mother：doyouthinkmarriageisasmuchaquestionoffancyasitusedtobeinyourtimeandfather’s？
MRSTARLETON。Oh，itwasntmuchfancywithme，dear：yourfatherjustwouldnttakenoforananswer；andIwasonlytoogladtobehiswifeinsteadofhisshop—girl。Still，it’scurious；butIhadmorechoicethanyouinaway，because，yousee，Iwaspoor；andtherearesomanymorepoormenthanrichonesthatImighthavehadmoreofapick，asyoumightsay，ifJohnhadntsuitedme。
HYPATIA。IcanimagineallsortsofmenIcouldfallinlovewith；
butIneverseemtomeetthem。Therealonesaretoosmall，likeBunny，ortoosilly，likeJerry。Ofcourseonecangetintoastateaboutanyman：fallinlovewithhimifyouliketocallitthat。
Butwhowouldriskmarryingamanforlove？_I_shouldnt。Irememberthreegirlsatschoolwhoagreedthattheonemanyoushouldnevermarrywasthemanyouwereinlovewith，becauseitwouldmakeaperfectslaveofyou。Theresasortofinstinctagainstit，Ithink，thatsjustasstrongastheotherinstinct。Oneofthem，tomycertainknowledge，refusedamanshewasinlovewith，andmarriedanotherwhowasinlovewithher；anditturnedoutverywell。
MRSTARLETON。DoesallthatmeanthatyourenotinlovewithBunny？
HYPATIA。Oh，howcouldanybodybeinlovewithBunny？IlikehimtokissmejustasIlikeababytokissme。I’mfondofhim；andheneverboresme；andIseethathesveryclever；butI’mnotwhatyoucallgoneabouthim，ifthatswhatyoumean。
MRSTARLETON。Thenwhyneedyoumarryhim？
HYPATIA。WhatbettercanIdo？Imustmarrysomebody，Isuppose。
IverealizedthatsinceIwastwenty—three。IalwaysusedtotakeitasamatterofcoursethatIshouldbemarriedbeforeIwastwenty。
BENTLEY’SVOICE。_[inthegarden]_Youvegottokeepyourselffresh：
tolookatthesethingswithanopenmind。
JOHNTARLETON’SVOICE。Quiteright，quiteright：Ialwayssayso。
MRSTARLETON。Theresyourfather，andBunnywithhim。
BENTLEY。Keepyoung。Keepyoureyeonme。Thatsthetipforyou。
_BentleyandMrTarleton（animmenseandgenialveteranoftrade）comeintoviewandenterthepavilion。_
JOHNTARLETON。Youthinkyoureyoung，doyou？YouthinkI’mold？
_[energeticallyshakingoffhismotoringcoatandhangingitupwithhiscap]。_
BENTLEY。_[helpinghimwiththecoat]_Ofcourseyoureold。Lookatyourfaceandlookatmine。Whatyoucallyouryouthisnothingbutyourlevity。Whydowegetonsowelltogether？BecauseI’mayoungcubandyoureanoldjosser。_[HethrowsacushionatHypatia’sfeetandsitsdownonitwithhisbackagainstherknees]。_
TARLETON。Old!Thatsallyouknowaboutit，mylad。Howdo，Patsy!
_[Hypatiakisseshim]。_HowismyChickabiddy？_[HekissesMrsTarleton’shandandposesexpansivelyinthemiddleofthepicture]。_
Lookatme!Lookatthesewrinkles，thesegrayhairs，thisrepulsivemaskthatyoucalloldage!Whatisit？_[Vehemently]_Iaskyou，whatisit？
BENTLEY。Jollyniceandvenerable，oldman。Dontbediscouraged。
TARLETON。Nice？Notabitofit。Venerable？Venerablebeblowed!
ReadyourDarwin，myboy。ReadyourWeismann。_[Hegoestothesideboardforadrinkoflemonade]。_
MRSTARLETON。Forshame，John!TellhimtoreadhisBible。
TARLETON。_[manipulatingthesyphon]_WhatstheuseoftellingchildrentoreadtheBiblewhenyouknowtheywont。IwaskeptawayfromtheBibleforfortyyearsbybeingtoldtoreaditwhenIwasyoung。ThenIpickedituponeeveninginahotelinSunderlandwhenIhadleftallmypapersinthetrain；andIfounditwasnthalfbad。
_[Hedrinks，andputsdowntheglasswithasmackofenjoyment]。_
Betterthanmosthalfpennypapers，anyhow，ifonlyyoucouldmakepeoplebelieveit。_[Hesitsdownbythewriting—table，nearhiswife]。_Butifyouwanttounderstandoldagescientifically，readDarwinandWeismann。Ofcourseifyouwanttounderstanditromantically，readaboutSolomon。
MRSTARLETON。Haveyouhadtea，John？
TARLETON。Yes。DontinterruptmewhenI’mimprovingtheboy’smind。
WherewasI？Thisrepulsivemask——Yes。_[Explosively]_Whatisdeath？
MRSTARLETON。John!
HYPATIA。Deathisaratherunpleasantsubject，papa。
TARLETON。Notabit。Notscientifically。Scientificallyit’sadelightfulsubject。Youthinkdeath’snatural。Well，itisnt。YoureadWeismann。Therewasntanydeathtostartwith。YougolookinanyditchoutsideandyoullfindswimmingaboutthereasfreshaspaintsomeoftheidenticallittlelivecellsthatAdamchristenedintheGardenofEden。Butifbigthingslikeusdidntdie，we’dcrowdoneanotheroffthefaceoftheglobe。Nothingsurvived，sir，exceptthesortofpeoplethathadthesenseandgoodmannerstodieandmakeroomforthefreshsupplies。AndsodeathwasintroducedbyNaturalSelection。Yougetitoutofyourhead，mylad，thatI’mgoingtodiebecauseI’mwearingoutordecaying。Theresnosuchthingasdecaytoavitalman。Ishallclearout；butIshantdecay。
BENTLEY。Andwhataboutthewrinklesandthealmondtreeandthegrasshopperthatbecomesaburdenandthedesirethatfails？
TARLETON。Doesit？byGeorge!No，sir：itspiritualizes。Astoyourgrasshopper，Icancarryanelephant。
MRSTARLETON。Youdosaysuchthings，Bunny!Whatdoeshemeanbythealmondtree？
TARLETON。Hemeansmywhitehairs：therepulsivemask。That，myboy，isanotherinventionofNaturalSelectiontodisgustyoungwomenwithme，andgivetheladsaturn。
MRSTARLETON。John：Iwonthaveit。Thatsaforbiddensubject。
TARLETON。Theytalkofthewickednessandvanityofwomenpaintingtheirfacesandwearingauburnwigsatfifty。Butwhyshouldntthey？
WhyshouldawomanallowNaturetoputafalsemaskofageonherwhensheknowsthatshesasyoungasever？Whyshouldshelookintheglassandseeawrinkledliewhenatouchoffineartwillshewheraglorioustruth？Thewrinklesareadodgetorepelyoungmen。Supposeshedoesntwanttorepelyoungmen!Supposeshelikesthem!
MRSTARLETON。Bunny：takeHypatiaoutintothegroundsforawalk：
theresagoodboy。Johnhasgotoneofhisnaughtyfitsthisevening。
HYPATIA。Oh，nevermindme。I’musedtohim。
BENTLEY。I’mnot。Ineverheardsuchconversation：Icantbelievemyears。Andmindyou，thisisthemanwhoobjectedtomymarryinghisdaughteronthegroundthatamarriagebetweenamemberofthegreatandgoodmiddleclasswithoneoftheviciousandcorruptaristocracywouldbeamisalliance。Amisalliance，ifyouplease!
ThisisthemanIveadoptedasafather!
TARLETON。Eh!Whatsthat？Adoptedmeasafather，haveyou？
BENTLEY。Yes。Thatsanideaofmine。IknewachapnamedJoeyPercivalatOxford（youknowIwastwomonthsatBalliolbeforeIwassentdownfortellingtheoldwomanwhowasheadofthatsillycollegewhatIjollywellthoughtofhim。Hewouldhavebeengladtohavemeback，too，attheendofsixmonths；butIwouldntgo：Ijustlethimwant；andservehimright!）Well，Joeywasamostawfullycleverfellow，andsonice!Iaskedhimwhatmadesuchadifferencebetweenhimandalltheotherpups——theywerepups，ifyoulike。Hetoldmeitwasverysimple：theyhadonlyonefatherapiece；andhehadthree。
MRSTARLETON。Donttalknonsense，child。Howcouldthatbe？
BENTLEY。Oh，verysimple。Hisfather——
TARLETON。Whichfather？
BENTLEY。Thefirstone：theregulationnaturalchap。Hekeptatamephilosopherinthehouse：asortofColeridgeorHerbertSpencerkindofcard，youknow。Thatwasthesecondfather。ThenhismotherwasanItalianprincess；andshehadanItalianpriestalwaysabout。Hewassupposedtotakechargeofherconscience；butfromwhatIcouldmakeout，shejollywelltookchargeofhis。ThewholethreeofthemtookchargeofJoey’sconscience。Heusedtohearthemarguinglikemadabouteverything。Yousee，thephilosopherwasafreethinker，andalwaysbelievedthelatestthing。Thepriestdidntbelieveanything，becauseitwassuretogethimintotroublewithsomeoneoranother。
Andthenaturalfatherkeptanopenmindandbelievedwhateverpaidhimbest。BetweenthelotofthemJoeygotcultivatednoend。Hesaidifhecouldonlyhavehadthreemothersaswell，he’dhavebackedhimselfagainstNapoleon。
TARLETON。_[impressed]_Thatsanidea。Thatsamostinterestingidea：amostimportantidea。
MRSTARLETON。Youalwayswereoneforideas，John。
TARLETON。Youreright，Chickabiddy。WhatdoItellJohnnywhenhebragsaboutTarleton’sUnderwear？It’snottheunderwear。Theunderwearbehanged!Anybodycanmakeunderwear。Anybodycansellunderwear。Tarleton’sIdeas：thatswhatsdoneit。Iveoftenthoughtofputtingthatupovertheshop。
BENTLEY。Takemeintopartnershipwhenyoudo，oldman。I’mwastedontheunderwear；butIshallcomeinstrongontheideas。
TARLETON。Youbeagoodboy；andperhapsIwill。
MRSTARLETON。_[scentingaplotagainstherbelovedJohnny]_Now，John：youpromised——
TARLETON。Yes，yes。Allright，Chickabiddy：dontfuss。YourpreciousJohnnyshantbeinterferedwith。_[Bouncingup，tooenergetictositstill]_ButI’mgettingsickofthatoldshop。
Thirty—fiveyearsIvehadofit：sameblessedoldstairstogoupanddowneveryday：sameoldlot：sameoldgame：sorryIeverstarteditnow。I’llchuckitandtrysomethingelse：somethingthatwillgiveascopetoallmyfaculties。
HYPATIA。Theresmoneyinunderwear：theresnoneinwild—catideas。
TARLETON。Theresmoneyinme，madam，nomatterwhatIgointo。
MRSTARLETON。Dontboast，John。DonttemptProvidence。
TARLETON。Rats!YoudontunderstandProvidence。Providencelikestobetempted。Thatsthesecretofthesuccessfulman。ReadBrowning。
Naturaltheologyonanisland，eh？CalibanwasafraidtotemptProvidence：thatwaswhyhewasneverabletogetevenwithProspero。
WhatdidProsperodo？ProsperodidnteventemptProvidence：hewasProvidence。ThatsoneofTarleton’sideas；anddontyouforgetit。
BENTLEY。Youarefullofbeeftoday，oldman。
TARLETON。Beefbeblowed!Joyoflife。ReadIbsen。_[Hegoesintothepaviliontorelievehisrestlessness，andstaresoutwithhishandsthrustdeepinhispockets]。_
HYPATIA。_[thoughtful]_Bentley：couldntyouinviteyourfriendMrPercivaldownhere？
BENTLEY。NotifIknowit。Youdthrowmeoverthemomentyouseteyesonhim。
MRSTARLETON。Oh，Bunny!Forshame!
BENTLEY。Well，who’dmarryme，dyousuppose，iftheycouldgetmybrainswithafull—sizedbody？No，thankyou。IshalltakejollygoodcaretokeepJoeyoutofthisuntilHypatiaispastprayingfor。
_JohnnyandLordSummerhaysreturnthroughthepavilionfromtheirstroll。_
TARLETON。Welcome!welcome!Whyhaveyoustayedawaysolong？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[shakinghands]_Yes：Ishouldhavecomesooner。
ButI’mstillratherlostinEngland。_[Johnnytakeshishatandhangsitupbesidehisown]。_Thankyou。_[Johnnyreturnstohisswingandhisnovel。LordSummerhayscomestothewritingtable]。_
ThefactisthatasIvenothingtodo，Ineverhavetimetogoanywhere。_[HesitsdownnextMrsTarleton]。_
TARLETON。_[followinghimandsittingdownonhisleft]_Paradox，paradox。Good。Paradoxesaretheonlytruths。ReadChesterton。Butthereslotsforyoutodohere。Youhaveageniusforgovernment。
YoulearntyourjoboutthereinJinghiskahn。Well，wewanttobegovernedhereinEngland。Governus。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ahyes，myfriend；butinJinghiskahnyouhavetogoverntherightway。Ifyoudont，yougounderandcomehome。Hereeverythinghastobedonethewrongway，tosuitgovernorswhounderstandnothingbutpartridgeshooting（ourEnglishnativeprinces，infact）andvoterswhodontknowwhattheyrevotingabout。Idontunderstandthesedemocraticgames；andI’mafraidI’mtoooldtolearn。WhatcanIdobutsitinthewindowofmyclub，whichconsistsmostlyofretiredIndianCivilservants？Welookonatthemuddleandthefollyandamateurishness；andweaskeachotherwhereasinglefortnightofitwouldhavelandedus。
TARLETON。Verytrue。Still，Democracy’sallright，youknow。ReadMill。ReadJefferson。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Yes。Democracyreadswell；butitdoesntactwell，likesomepeople’splays。No，no，myfriendTarleton：tomakeDemocracywork，youneedanaristocraticdemocracy。TomakeAristocracywork，youneedademocraticaristocracy。Youvegotneither；andtheresanendofit。
TARLETON。Still，youknow，thesupermanmaycome。Thesuperman’sanidea。Ibelieveinideas。ReadWhatshisname。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Readingisadangerousamusement，Tarleton。IwishIcouldpersuadeyourfreelibrarypeopleofthat。
TARLETON。Why，man，it’sthebeginningofeducation。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Onthecontrary，it’stheendofit。Howcanyoudareteachamantoreaduntilyouvetaughthimeverythingelsefirst？
JOHNNY。_[interceptinghisfather’sreplybycomingoutoftheswingandtakingthefloor]_Leaveitatthat。Thatsgoodsense。Anybodyonforagameoftennis？
BENTLEY。Oh，letshavesomemoreimprovingconversation。Wouldntyourather，Johnny？
JOHNNY。Ifyouaskme，no。
TARLETON。Johnny：youdontcultivateyourmind。Youdontread。
JOHNNY。_[comingbetweenhismotherandLordSummerhays，bookinhand]_YesIdo。Ibetyouwhatyoulikethat，pageforpage，Ireadmorethanyou，thoughIdonttalkaboutitsomuch。Only，Idontreadthesamebooks。Ilikeabookwithaplotinit。Youlikeabookwithnothinginitbutsomeideathatthechapthatwritesitkeepsworrying，likeacatchasingitsowntail。Icanstandalittleofit，justasIcanstandwatchingthecatfortwominutes，say，whenIvenothingbettertodo。Butamansoongetsfedupwiththatsortofthing。Thefactis，youlookonanauthorasasortofgod。_I_
lookonhimasamanthatIpaytodoacertainthingforme。Ipayhimtoamusemeandtotakemeoutofmyselfandmakemeforget。
TARLETON。No。Wrongprinciple。Youwanttoremember。ReadKipling。
\"Lestweforget。\"
JOHNNY。IfKiplingwantstoremember，lethimremember。IfhehadtorunTarleton’sUnderwear，he’dbejollygladtoforget。Ashehasamuchsofterjob，andwantstokeephimselfbeforethepublic，hiscryis，\"DontyouforgetthesortofthingsI’mrathercleveratwritingabout。\"Well，Idontblamehim：it’shisbusiness：Ishoulddothesameinhisplace。ButwhathewantsandwhatIwantaretwodifferentthings。Iwanttoforget；andIpayanothermantomakemeforget。IfIbuyabookorgotothetheatre，IwanttoforgettheshopandforgetmyselffromthemomentIgointothemomentIcomeout。ThatswhatIpaymymoneyfor。AndifIfindthattheauthor’ssimplygettingatmethewholetime，Iconsiderthathesobtainedmymoneyunderfalsepretences。I’mnotamorbidcrank：I’manaturalman；and，assuch，Idontlikebeinggotat。Ifamaninmyemploymentdidit，Ishouldsackhim。Ifamemberofmyclubdidit，Ishouldcuthim。Ifhewenttoofarwithit，Ishouldbringhisconductbeforethecommittee。Imightevenpunchhishead，ifitcametothat。Well，whoandwhatisanauthorthatheshouldbeprivilegedtotakelibertiesthatarenotallowedtoothermen？
MRSTARLETON。Yousee，John!WhathaveIalwaystoldyou？Johnnyhasasmuchtosayforhimselfasanybodywhenhelikes。
JOHNNY。I’mnofool，mother，whateversomepeoplemayfancy。IdontsetuptohaveasmanyideasastheGovernor；butwhatideasIhaveareconsecutive，atallevents。Icanthinkaswellastalk。
BENTLEY。_[toTarleton，chuckling]_Hadyouthere，oldman，hadnthe？Youareratherallovertheshopwithyourideas，aintyou？
JOHNNY。_[handsomely]_I’mnotsayinganythingagainstyou，Governor。ButIdosaythatthetimehascomeforsane，healthy，unpretendingmenlikemetomakeastandagainstthisconspiracyofthewritingandtalkingandartisticlottoputusinthebackrow。
Itisntafactthatwe’reinferiortothem：it’saput—upjob；andit’stheythathaveputthejobup。It’swethatrunthecountryforthem；andallthethankswegetistobetoldwe’rePhilistinesandvulgartradesmenandsordidcitymenandsoforth，andthattheyreallangelsoflightandleading。Thetimehascometoassertourselvesandputastoptotheirstuck—upnonsense。Perhapsifwehadnothingbettertodothantalkingorwriting，wecoulddoitbetterthanthey。
Anyhow，theyrethefailuresandrefuseofbusiness（hardlyamanofthemthatdidntbegininanoffice）andwe’rethesuccessesofit。
ThankGodIhavntfailedyetatanything；andIdontbelieveIshouldfailatliteratureifitwouldpaymetoturnmyhandtoit。
BENTLEY。Hear，hear!
MRSTARLETON。Fancyyouwritingabook，Johnny!Doyouthinkhecould，LordSummerhays？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Whynot？AsamatteroffactallthereallyprosperousauthorsIhavemetsincemyreturntoEnglandhavebeenverylikehim。
TARLETON。_[againimpressed]_Thatsanidea。Thatsanewidea。I
believeIoughttohavemadeJohnnyanauthor。Iveneversaidsobeforeforfearofhurtinghisfeelings，because，afterall，theladcanthelpit；butIveneverthoughtJohnnyworthtuppenceasamanofbusiness。
JOHNNY。_[sarcastic]_Oh!Youthinkyouvealwayskeptthattoyourself，doyou，Governor？Iknowyouropinionofmeaswellasyouknowityourself。Ittakesonemanofbusinesstoappreciateanother；
andyouarnt，andyouneverhavebeen，arealmanofbusiness。IknowwhereTarleton’swouldhavebeenthreeoffourtimesifithadntbeenforme。_[Withasnortandanodtoemphasizetheimpliedwarning，heretreatstotheTurkishbath，andlollsagainstitwithanairofgood—humouredindifference]。_
TARLETON。Well，whodeniesit？Yourequiteright，myboy。Idon’tmindconfessingtoyouallthatthecircumstancesthatcondemnedmetokeepashoparethebiggesttragedyinmodernlife。Ioughttohavebeenawriter。I’messentiallyamanofideas。WhenIwasayoungmanIsometimesusedtopraythatImightfail，sothatIshouldbejustifiedingivingupbusinessanddoingsomething：somethingfirst—class。Butitwasnogood：Icouldntfail。IsaidtomyselfthatifIcouldonlyoncegotomyChickabiddyhereandshewheracharteredaccountant’sstatementprovingthatI’dmade20poundslessthanlastyear，IcouldaskhertoletmechanceJohnny’sandHypatia’sfuturebygoingintoliterature。Butitwasnogood。Firstitwas250poundsmorethanlastyear。Thenitwas700pounds。Thenitwas2000pounds。ThenIsawitwasnouse：Prometheuswaschainedtohisrock：readShelley：readMrsBrowning。Well，well，itwasnottobe。_[Herisessolemnly]。_LordSummerhays：Iaskyoutoexcusemeforafewmoments。Therearetimeswhenamanneedstomeditateinsolitudeonhisdestiny。Achordistouched；andheseesthedramaofhislifeasaspectatorseesaplay。Laughifyoufeelinclined：nomanseesthecomicsideofitmorethanI。Inthetheatreoflifeeveryonemaybeamusedexcepttheactor。
_[Brightening]_Theresanideainthis：anideaforapicture。WhatapityyoungBentleyisnotapainter!Tarletonmeditatingonhisdestiny。Notinatoga。Notinthetrappingsofthetragedianorthephilosopher。Inplaincoatandtrousers：amanlikeanyotherman。
Andbeneaththatcoatandtrousersahumansoul。Tarleton’sUnderwear!_[Hegoesoutgravelyintothevestibule]。_
MRSTARLETON。_[fondly]_Isupposeit’sawife’spartiality，LordSummerhays；butIdothinkJohnisreallygreat。I’msurehewasmeanttobeaking。MyfatherlookeddownonJohn，becausehewasaratecollector，andJohnkeptashop。IthurthispridetohavetoborrowmoneysooftenfromJohn；andheusedtoconsolehimselfbysaying，\"Afterall，he’sonlyalinendraper。\"Butatlastonedayhesaidtome，\"Johnisaking。\"
BENTLEY。Howmuchdidheborrowonthatoccasion？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[sharply]_Bentley!
MRSTARLETON。Oh，dontscoldthechild：he’dhavetosaysomethinglikethatifitwastobehislastwordonearth。Besides，hesquiteright：mypoorfatherhadaskedforhisusualfivepounds；andJohngavehimahundredinhisbigway。Justlikeaking。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Notatall。IhadfivekingstomanageinJinghiskahn；andIthinkyoudoyourhusbandsomeinjustice，MrsTarleton。TheypretendedtolikemebecauseIkepttheirbrothersfrommurderingthem；butIdidntlikethem。AndIlikeTarleton。
MRSTARLETON。Everybodydoes。IreallymustgoandmakethecookdohimaWelshrabbit。Heexpectsoneonspecialoccasions。_[Shegoestotheinnerdoor]。_Johnny：whenhecomesbackaskhimwherewe’retoputthatnewTurkishbath。Turkishbathsarehislatest。_[Shegoesout]。_
JOHNNY。_[comingforwardagain]_NowthattheGovernorhasgivenhimselfaway，andtheoldlady’sgone，I’lltellyousomething，LordSummerhays。Ifyoustudymenwhovemadeanenormouspileinbusinesswithoutbeingkeenonmoney，youllfindthattheyallhaveaslateoff。TheGovernor’sawonderfulman；buthesnotquiteallthere，youknow。Ifyounotice，hesdifferentfromme；andwhatevermyfailingsmaybe，I’masaneman。Erratic：thatswhatheis。Andthedangeristhatsomedayhe’llgivethewholeshowaway。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Givingtheshowawayisamethodlikeanyothermethod。Keepingittoyourselfisonlyanothermethod。Ishouldkeepanopenmindaboutit。
JOHNNY。Hasiteveroccurredtoyouthatamanwithanopenmindmustbeabitofascoundrel？Ifyouaskme，Ilikeamanwhomakesuphismindonceforallastowhatsrightandwhatswrongandthenstickstoit。Atalleventsyouknowwheretohavehim。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Thatmaynotbehisobject。
BENTLEY。Hemaywanttohaveyou，oldchap。
JOHNNY。Well，lethim。Ifamemberofmyclubwantstostealmyumbrella，heknowswheretofindit。Ifamanputupfortheclubwhohadanopenmindonthesubjectofpropertyinumbrellas，Ishouldblackballhim。Anopenmindisallverywellinclevertalky—talky；
butinconductandinbusinessgivemesolidground。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Yes：thequicksandsmakelifedifficult。Still，theretheyare。It’snousepretendingtheyrerocks。
JOHNNY。Idontknow。Youcandrawalineandmakeotherchapstoeit。ThatswhatIcallmorality。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Verytrue。Butyoudontmakeanyprogresswhenyouretoeingaline。
HYPATIA。_[suddenly，asifshecouldbearnomoreofit]_Bentley：
dogoandplaytenniswithJohnny。Youmusttakeexercise。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Do，myboy，do。_[ToJohnny]_Takehimoutandmakehimskipabout。
BENTLEY。_[risingreluctantly]_Ipromisedyoutwoinchesmoreroundmychestthissummer。Itriedexerciseswithanindiarubberexpander；
butIwasntstrongenough：insteadofmyexpandingit，itcrumpledmeup。Comealong，Johnny。
JOHNNY。Doyounoendofgood，youngchap。_[HegoesoutwithBentleythroughthepavilion]。_
_Hypatiathrowsasideherworkwithanenormoussighofrelief。_
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Atlast!
HYPATIA。Atlast。Oh，ifImightonlyhaveaholidayinanasylumforthedumb。HowIenvytheanimals!Theycanttalk。IfJohnnycouldonlyputbackhisearsorwaghistailinsteadoflayingdownthelaw，howmuchbetteritwouldbe!Weshouldknowwhenhewascrossandwhenhewaspleased；andthatsallweknownow，withallhistalk。Itneverstops：talk，talk，talk，talk。Thatsmylife。AllthedayIlistentomammatalking；atdinnerIlistentopapatalking；
andwhenpapastopsforbreathIlistentoJohnnytalking。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Youmakemefeelveryguilty。Italktoo，I’mafraid。
HYPATIA。Oh，Idontmindthat，becauseyourtalkisanovelty。Butitmusthavebeendreadfulforyourdaughters。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Isupposeso。
HYPATIA。Ifparentswouldonlyrealizehowtheyboretheirchildren!
ThreeorfourtimesinthelasthalfhourIvebeenonthepointofscreaming。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Wereweverydull？
HYPATIA。Notatall：youwereveryclever。Thatswhatssohardtobear，becauseitmakesitsodifficulttoavoidlistening。Yousee，I’myoung；andIdosowantsomethingtohappen。MymothertellsmethatwhenI’mherage，Ishallbeonlytoogladthatnothing’shappened；butI’mnotherage；sowhatgoodisthattome？Theresmyfatherinthegarden，meditatingonhisdestiny。Allverywellforhim：heshadadestinytomeditateon；butIhavnthadanydestinyyet。Everything’shappenedtohim：nothing’shappenedtome。Thatswhythisunendingtalkissomaddeninglyuninterestingtome。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Itwouldbeworseifwesatinsilence。
HYPATIA。Noitwouldnt。Ifyouallsatinsilence，asifyouwerewaitingforsomethingtohappen，thentherewouldbehopeevenifnothingdidhappen。Butthiseternalcackle，cackle，cackleaboutthingsingeneralisonlyfitforold，old，OLDpeople。Isupposeitmeanssomethingtothem：theyvehadtheirfling。AllIlistenforissomesignofitendinginsomething；butjustwhenitseemstobecomingtoapoint，Johnnyorpapajuststartsanotherhare；anditallbeginsoveragain；andIrealizethatit’snevergoingtoleadanywhereandnevergoingtostop。ThatswhenIwanttoscream。I
wonderhowyoucanstandit。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Well，I’moldandgarrulousmyself，yousee。
Besides，I’mnothereofmyownfreewill，exactly。Icamebecauseyouorderedmetocome。
HYPATIA。Didntyouwanttocome？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Mydear：afterthirtyyearsofmanagingotherpeople’sbusiness，menlosethehabitofconsideringwhattheywantordontwant。
HYPATIA。Oh，dontbegintotalkaboutwhatmendo，andaboutthirtyyearsexperience。Ifyoucantgetoffthatsubject，youdbettersendforJohnnyandpapaandbeginitalloveragain。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。I’msorry。Ibegyourpardon。
HYPATIA。Iaskedyou，didntyouwanttocome？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。IdidnotstoptoconsiderwhetherIwantedornot，becausewhenIreadyourletterIknewIhadtocome。
HYPATIA。Why？
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ohcome，MissTarleton!Really，really!Dontforcemetocallyouablackmailertoyourface。Youhavemeinyourpower；
andIdowhatyoutellmeveryobediently。DontaskmetopretendI
doitofmyownfreewill。
HYPATIA。Idontknowwhatablackmaileris。Ihavnteventhatmuchexperience。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Ablackmailer，mydearyounglady，isapersonwhoknowsadisgracefulsecretinthelifeofanotherperson，andextortsmoneyfromthatotherpersonbythreateningtomakehissecretpublicunlessthemoneyispaid。
HYPATIA。Ihavntaskedyouformoney。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。No；butyouaskedmetocomedownhereandtalktoyou；andyoumentionedcasuallythatifIdidntyoudhavenobodytotalkaboutmetobutBentley。Thatwasathreat，wasitnot？
HYPATIA。Well，Iwantedyoutocome。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Inspiteofmyageandmyunfortunatetalkativeness？
HYPATIA。Iliketalkingtoyou。Icanletmyselfgowithyou。IcansaythingstoyouIcantsaytootherpeople。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。Iwonderwhy？
HYPATIA。Well，youaretheonlyreallyclever，grown—up，high—class，experiencedmanIknowwhohasgivenhimselfawaytomebymakinganutterfoolofhimselfwithme。Youcantwrapyourselfupinyourtogaafterthat。Youcantgiveyourselfairswithme。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。YoumeanyoucantellBentleyaboutmeifIdo。
HYPATIA。EveniftherewasntanyBentley：evenifyoudidntcare（andIreallydontseewhyyoushouldcaresomuch）still，wenevercouldbeonconventionaltermswithoneanotheragain。Besides，Ivegotafeelingforyou：almostaghastlysortofloveforyou。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。_[shrinking]_Ibegyou——no，please。
HYPATIA。Oh，it’snothingatallflattering：and，ofcourse，nothingwrong，asIsupposeyoudcallit。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。PleasebelievethatIknowthat。Whenmenofmyage——
HYPATIA。_[impatiently]_Oh，dotalkaboutyourselfwhenyoumeanyourself，andnotaboutmenofyourage。
LORDSUMMERHAYS。I’llputitasbluntlyasIcan。When，asyousay，Imadeanutterfoolofmyself，believeme，Imadeapoeticfoolofmyself。Iwasseduced，notbyappetiteswhich，thankHeaven，Ivelongoutlived：notevenbythedesireofsecondchildhoodforachildcompanion，butbytheinnocentimpulsetoplacethedelicacyandwisdomandspiritualityofmyageattheaffectionateserviceofyouryouthforafewyears，attheendofwhichyouwouldbeagrown，strong，formed——widow。Alas，mydear，thedelicacyofagereckoned，asusual，withoutthederisionandcrueltyofyouth。Youtoldmethatyoudidntwanttobeanoldman’snurse，andthatyoudidntwanttohaveundersizedchildrenlikeBentley。Itservedmeright：Idontreproachyou：Iwasanoldfool。Buthowyoucanimagine，afterthat，thatIcansuspectyouofthesmallestfeelingformeexcepttheinevitablefeelingofearlyyouthforlateage，orimaginethatIhaveanyfeelingforyouexceptoneofshrinkinghumiliation，Icantunderstand。
