\"Yousee，IamwillingtomarrymybrideUntilyou’vearrangedthisaffair；
IwillblowoutmybrainswhenyourhonoursdecideWhichmarriesthesweetVivandiere!\"
\"Well，takeher，’saidbothoftheminaduet（Afavouriteformofreply），\"ButwhenIamreadytomarryFILLETTE。
Rememberyou’vepromisedtodie!\"
Hemarriedherthen：fromthefloweryplainsOfexistencetherosestheycull：
Helivedandhediedwithhiswife；andhisbrainsArereposinginpeaceinhisskull。
Ballad：Emily，John，James，AndI。ADerbyLegendEMILYJANEwasanurserymaid，JAMESwasaboldLifeGuard，JOHNwasaconstable，poorlypaid（AndIamadoggerelbard）。
AverygoodgirlwasEMILYJANE，JIMMYwasgoodandtrue，JOHNwasaverygoodmaninthemain（AndIamagoodmantoo）。
RivalsforEMMIEwereJOHNNYandJAMES，ThoughEMILYlikedthemboth；
Shecouldn’ttellwhichhadthestrongestclaims（AndIcouldn’ttakemyoath）。
Butsoonerorlateryou’recertaintofindYoursentimentscan’tliehid—
JANEthoughtitwastimethatshemadeuphermind（AndIthinkitwastimeshedid）。
SaidJANE，withasmirk，andablushonherface，\"I’llpromisetowedtheboyWhotakesmeto—morrowtoEpsomRace!\"
（WhichIwouldhavedone，withjoy）。
FromJOHNNYescapedanexpressionofpain，ButJimmysaid，\"Donewithyou!
I’lltakeyouwithpleasure，myEMILYJANE!\"
（AndIwouldhavesaidsotoo）。
JOHNlayontheground，andheroaredlikemad（ForJOHNNYwassoreperplexed），Andhekickedveryhardataverysmalllad（WhichIoftendo，whenvexed）。
ForJOHNwasondutynextdaywiththeForce，TopunishallEpsomcrimes；
YoungpeopleWILLcrosswhenthey’reclearingthecourse（Idoitmyself，sometimes）。
********
TheDerbyDaysunglitteredgailyoncads，Onmaidenswithgambogehair，Onsharpersandpickpockets，swindlersandpads，（ForI，withmyharp，wasthere）。
AndJIMMYwentdownwithhisJANEthatday，AndJOHNbythecollarornapeSeizedeverybodywhocameinhisway（AndIhadanarrowescape）。
HenoticedhisEMILYJANEwithJIM，Andenviedthewell—madeelf；
Andpeopleremarkedthathemuttered\"Oh，dim!\"
（Ioftensay\"dim!\"myself）。
JOHNdoggedthemallday，withoutaskingtheirleaves；
Forhissergeanthetold，aside，ThatJIMMYandJANEwerenotoriousthieves（AndIthinkhewasjustified）。
ButJAMESwouldn’tdreamofabstractingafork，AndJENNYwouldblushwithshameAtstealingsomuchasabottleorcork（AbottleIthinkfairgame）。
But，ah!there’sanothermoreseriouscrime!
TheywickedlystrayeduponThecourse，atacriticalmomentoftime（IpointedthemouttoJOHN）。
Theconstablefellonthepairinacrack—
Andthen，withademonsmile，LetJENNYcrossover，butsentJIMMYback（Iplayedonmyharpthewhile）。
SternJOHNNYtheiragonyloudderidesWithaverytriumphantsneer—
Theyweepandtheywailfromtheoppositesides（AndIshedasilenttear）。
AndJENNYiscryingawaylikemad，AndJIMMYisswearinghard；
AndJOHNNYislookinguncommonlyglad（AndIamadoggerelbard）。
ButJIMMYheventuredoncrossingagainThescenesofourIsthmianGames—
JOHNcaughthim，andcollaredhim，givinghimpain（IfeltverymuchforJAMES）。
JOHNledhimawaywithavictor’shand，AndJIMMYwasshortlyseenInthestation—houseunderthegrandGrandStand（AsmanyatimeI’VEbeen）。
AndJIMMY，badboy，wasimprisonedforlife，ThoughEMILYpleadedhard；
AndJOHNNYhadEMILYJANEtowife（AndIamadoggerelbard）。
Ballad：ThePerilsOfInvisibilityOLDPETERledawretchedlife—
OldPETERhadafuriouswife；
OldPETERtoowastrulystout，Hemeasuredseveralyardsabout。
ThelittlefairyPICKLEKIN
Onesummerafternoonlookedin，Andsaid，\"OldPETER，howdedo？
CanIdoanythingforyou？
\"Ihavethreegifts—thefirstwillgiveUnboundedricheswhileyoulive；
Thesecondhealthwhere’eryoube；
Thethird，invisibility。\"
\"OlittlefairyPICKLEKIN，\"
OldPETERansweredwithagrin，\"Tohesitatewouldbeabsurd，—
UndoubtedlyIchoosethethird。\"
\"’Tisyours，\"thefairysaid；\"bequiteInvisibletomortalsightWhene’eryouplease。RemembermeMostkindly，pray，toMRS。P。\"
OldMRS。PETERoverheardWeePICKLEKIN’Sconcludingword，And，jealousofhergirlhood’schoice，Said，\"Thatwassomeyoungwoman’svoice：
OldPETERletherscoldandswear—
OldPETER，blesshim，didn’tcare。
\"Mydear，yourrageiswastedquite—
Observe，Idisappearfromsight!\"
Awell—bredfairy（soI’veheard）
Isalwaysfaithfultoherword：
OldPETERvanishedlikeashot，Putthen—HISSUITOFCLOTHESDIDNOT!
ForwhenconferredthefairyslimInvisibilityonHIM，Shepoppedawayonfairywings，Withoutreferringtohis\"things。\"
Sothereremainedacoatofblue，Avestanddoubleeyeglasstoo，Histail，hisshoes，hissocksaswell，Hispairof—no，Imustnottell。
OldMRS。PETERsoonbeganToseethefailureofhisplan，Andthenresolved（IquotetheBard）
To\"hoisthimwithhisownpetard。\"
OldPETERwokenextdayanddressed，Putonhiscoat，andshoes，andvest，Hisshirtandstock；BUTCOULDNOTFIND
HISONLYPAIROF—nevermind!
OldPETERwasadecentman，Andthoughhetwiggedhislady’splan，Yet，hearingherapproaching，heResumedinvisibility。
\"DearMRS。P。，myonlyjoy，\"
Exclaimedthehorrifiedoldboy，\"Now，givethemup，Ibegofyou—
YouknowwhatI’mreferringto!\"
Butno；thecrossoldladysworeShe’dkeephis—whatIsaidbefore—
Tomakehimpubliclyabsurd；
AndMRS。PETERkeptherword。
Thepooroldfellowhadnorest；
Hiscoat，hisstick，hisshoes，hisvest，Wereallthatnowmetmortaleye—
Therest，invisibility!
\"Now，madam，givethemup，Ibeg—
I’vehadrheumaticsinmyleg；
Besides，untilyoudo，it’splainIcannotcometosightagain!
\"ForthoughsomemirthitmightaffordToseemyclotheswithouttheirlord，YettherewouldriseindignantoathsIfhewereseenwithouthisclothes!\"
Butno；resolvedtohaveherquiz，Theladyheldherown—andhis—
AndPETERlefthishumblecotTofindapairof—youknowwhat。
But—here’stheworstoftheaffair—
Whene’erhecameacrossapairAlreadyplacedforhimtodon，Hewastoostouttogetthemon!
Soheresolvedatoncetotrain，Andwalkedandwalkedwithallhismain；
Foryearshepacedthismortalearth，Tobringhimselftodecentgirth。
Atnight，whenallaroundisstill，You’llfindhimpoundingupahill；
Andshriekingpeasantswhomhemeets，Falldowninterroronthepeats!
OldPETERwalksthroughwindandrain，Resolvedtotrain，andtrain，andtrain，Untilheweighstwelvestone’orso—
Andwhenhedoes，I’llletyouknow。
Ballad：OldPaulAndOldTimWhenrivaladorerscomecourtingamaid，There’ssomethingorothermayoftenbesaid，WhyHEshouldbepitcheduponratherthanHIM。
Thiswasn’tthecasewithOldPAULandOldTIM。
NosoulcoulddiscoverareasonatallFormarryingTIMOTHYratherthanPAUL；
Thoughallcouldhaveofferedgoodreasons，onoath，Againstmarryingeither—ormarryingboth。
Theywereequallywealthyandequallyold，Theywereequallytimidandequallybold；
Theywereequallytallastheystoodintheirshoes—
Betweenthem，infact，therewasnothingtochoose。
HadIbeenyoungEMILY，Ishouldhavesaid，\"You’rebothmuchtoooldforaprettyyoungmaid，Threescoreattheleastyouarevergingupon\"；
ButIwasn’tyoungEMILY。Letusgeton。
Nocoward’sbloodraninyoungEMILY’Sveins，Hermartialoldfatherlovedbloodycampaigns；
AttherumoursofbattlesallovertheglobeHeprickeduphisearslikethewar—horsein\"Job。\"
Hechuckledtohearofasuddensurprise—
Ofsoldiers，compelled，throughanenemy’sspies，Withoutanyknapsacksorshakostoflee—
Foraneminentarmy—contractorwashe。
Sowhenhertwolovers，whosepatiencewastried，Imploredherbetweenthematoncetodecide，Shetoldthemshe’dmarrywhichevermightbringGoodproofsofhisdoingthepluckiestthing。
Theybothwentawaywithaqualifiedjoy：
Thatcoward，OldPAUL，choseaverysmallboy，Andwhennoonewaslooking，inspiteofhisfears，Hesettoworkboxingthatlittleboy’sears。
Thelittleboystruggledandtuggedathishair，Butthelionwasroused，andOldPAULdidn’tcare；
Hesmackedhim，andwhackedhim，andboxedhim，andkickedTillthepoorlittlebeggarwasroyallylicked。
OldTIMknewatrickworthadozenofthat，Sohecalledforhisstickandhecalledforhishat。
\"I’llcovermyselfwithcheapglory—I’llgoAndwalloptheFrenchmenwholiveinSoho!
\"TheGermaninvaderisravagingFranceWithinfantryrifleandcavalrylance，AndbeautifulParisisfightingherbestToshakeherselffreefromherterribleguest。
\"TheFrenchmeninLondon，incravenalarms，Haveallrunawayfromthesummonstoarms；
Theyhaven’tthepluckofapigeon—I’llgoAndwalloptheFrenchmenwhoskulkinSoho!\"
OldTIMOTHYtrieditandfounditsucceed：
ThatdayhecausedmanyFrenchnosestobleed；
ThroughfoggySohohespreadfearanddismay，AndFrenchmenallroundhiminagonylay。
HetookcaretoabstainfromemployinghisfistOntheoldandthecrippled，fortheymightresist；
Acrippledoldmanmayhavepluckinhisbreast，Buttheyoungandthestrongonesarecowardsconfest。
OldTIMandOldPAUL，withthelistoftheirfoes，ProstratedthemselvesattheirEMILY’Stoes：
\"Oh，whichofustwoisthepluckierblade？\"
AndEMILYansweredandEMILYsaid：
\"OldTIMhasthrashedrunawayFrenchmeninscores，Whooughttobeguardingtheircitiesandshores；
OldPAULhasmadelittlechaps’nosestobleed—
OldPAULhasaccomplishedthepluckierdeed!\"
Ballad：TheMysticSelvageePerhapsalreadyyoumayknowSIRBLENNERHASSETPORTICO？
ACaptainintheNavy，he—
ABaronetandK。C。B。
Youdo？Ithoughtso!
ItwasthatCaptain’sfavouritewhim（Anotionnotconfinedtohim）
ThatRODNEYwasthegreatesttarWhoeverwieldedcapstan—bar。
Hehadbeentaughtso。
\"BENBOW!CORNWALLIS!HOOD!—Belay!
ComparedwithRODNEY\"—hewouldsay—
\"Noothertariswortharap!
ThegreatLORDRODNEYwasthechapTheFrenchtopolish!
\"Though，mindyou，IrespectLORDHOOD；
CORNWALLIS，too，wasrathergood；
BENBOWcouldenemiesrepel，LORDNELSON，too，wasprettywell—
Thatis，tol—lol—ish!\"
SIRBLENNERHASSETspenthisdaysInlearningRODNEY’Slittleways，Andcloselyimitated，too，Hismodeoftalkingtohiscrew—
Hisportandpaces。
AnancienttarhetriedtocatchWho’dservedinRODNEY’Sfamousbatch；
Butsincehistimelongyearshavefled，AndRODNEY’Starsaremostlydead：
EHEUFUGACES!
Butaftersearchingnearandfar，AtlasthefoundanancienttarWhoservedwithRODNEYandhiscrewAgainsttheFrenchin’Eighty—two，（Thatgainedthepeerage）。
Hegavehimfiftypoundsayear，Hisrum，hisbaccy，andhisbeer；
AndhadacomfortabledenRiggedupinwhat，bymerchantmen，Iscalledthesteerage。
\"Now，JASPER\"—’twasthatsailor’sname—
\"Don’tfearthatyou’llincurmyblameBysaying，whenitseemstoyou，ThatthereisanythingIdoThatRODNEYwouldn’t。\"
Theancientsailorturnedhisquid，Preparedtodoashewasbid：
\"Ay，ay，yerhonour；tobegin，You’vedoneawaywith’swiftingin’—
Well，sir，youshouldn’t!
\"UponyoursparsIseeyou’veclappedPeakhalliardblocks，alliron—capped。
Iwouldnotchristenthatacrime，But’twasnotdoneinRODNEY’Stime。
Itlookshalf—witted!
Uponyourmaintop—stay，Isee，Youalwaysclapaselvagee!
Yourstays，Isee，areequalized—
Novessel，suchasRODNEYprized，Wouldthusbefitted!
\"AndRODNEY，honouredsir，wouldgrinToseeyouturningdeadeyesin，NotUP，asintheancientway，Butdownwards，likeacutter’sstay—
Youdidn’toughter；
Besides，inseizingshroudsonboard，Breastbackstaysyouhavequiteignored；
GreatRODNEYkeptuntothelastBreastbackstaysontopgallantmast—
Theymakeittauter。\"
SIRBLENNERHASSET\"swiftedin，\"
Turneddeadeyesup，andlentafinTostrip（astoldbyJASPERKNOX）
Theironcappingfromhisblocks，Wheretherewasany。
SIRBLENNERHASSETdoesaway，Withselvageesfrommaintop—stay；
Andthoughitmakeshissailorsstare，Herigsbreastbackstayseverywhere—
Infact，toomany。
Onemorning，whenthesaucycraftLaycalmed，oldJASPERtoddledaft。
\"Mymindmisgivesme，sir，thatweWerewrongaboutthatselvagee—
Ishouldrestoreit。\"
\"Good，\"saidtheCaptain，andthatdayRestoredittothemaintop—stay。
Well—practisedsailorsoftenmakeAmuchmoreseriousmistake，Andthenignoreit。
NextdayoldJASPERcameoncemore：
\"Ithink，sir，Iwasrightbefore。\"
Well，upthemastthesailorsskipped，Theselvageewassoonunshipped，Andallweremerry。
Againaday，andJASPERcame：
\"Ip’r’apsdeserveyourhonour’sblame，Ican’tmakeupmymind，\"saidhe，\"Aboutthatcursedselvagee—
It’sfoolish—very。
\"OnMondaynightIcouldhaveswornThatmaintop—stayitshouldadorn，OnTuesdaymorningIcouldswearThatselvageeshouldnotbethere。
Theknot’sarasper!\"
\"Oh，youbehanged，\"saidCAPTAINP。，\"Here，goashoreatCaribbee。
Getout—goodbye—shoveoff—allright!\"
OldJASPERsoonwasoutofsight—
Farewell，oldJASPER!
Ballad：TheCunningWomanOnallArcadia’ssunnyplain，OnallArcadia’shill，NoneweresoblitheasBILLandJANE，SoblitheasJANEandBILL。
Nosocialearthquakee’eroccurredToracktheircommonmind：
TothemaPanicwasaword—
ACrisis，emptywind。
NoStockExchangedisturbedtheladWithoverwhelmingshocks—
BILLploughedwithalltheshareshehad，JANEplantedallherstocks。
AndlearninwhatasimplewayTheirpleasurestheyenhanced—
JANEdancedlikeanylamballday，BILLpipedaswellasdanced。
Surroundedbyatwittlingcrew，Oflinnet，lark，andthrush，BILLtreatedhisyoungladytoThissentimentalgush：
\"Oh，JANE，howtrueIamtoyou!
Howtrueyouaretome!
Andhowwewoo，andhowwecoo!
Sofondapairarewe!
\"Tothink，dearJANE，thatanyways。
YourchiefestendandaimIs，oneofthesefinesummerdays，Tobearmyhumblename!\"
QuothJANE，\"Well，asyouputthecase，I’mtrueenough，nodoubt，Butthen，yousee，inthishereplaceThere’snonetocutyouout。
\"But，oh!ifanybodycame—
ALordoranysuch—
IdonotthinkyourhumblenameWouldfascinatememuch。
\"Forthoughyourmates，youoftenboast。
Youdistanceout—and—out；
Still，intheabstract，you’reamostUncompromisinglout!\"
PoorBILL，hegaveaheavysigh，Hetriedinvaintospeak—
AfattearstartedtoeacheyeAndcoursedadowneachcheek。
For，oh!rightwellintruthheknewThatveryself—sameday，TheLORDDEJACOBPILLALOO
Wascomingtheretostay!
TheLORDDEJACOBPILLALOO
Allpropermaidensshun—
Helovesallwomen，itistrue，Butnevermarriesone。
NowJANE，withallhermadself—will，Wasnocoquette—ohno!
ShereallylovedherfaithfulBILL，Andthusshetunedherwoe：
\"Oh，willow，willow，o’erthelea!
Andwillowonceagain!
ThePeerwillfallinlovewithme!
Whywasn’tImadeplain？\"
*****
Acunningwomanlivedhardby，Asorceressingdame，MACCATACOMBDESALMON—EYE
Washeruncommonname。
TohergoodJANE，withkindlyyearnForBILL’Sincreasingpain，RepairedinsecrecytolearnHowbesttomakeherplain。
\"Oh，JANE，\"theworthywomansaid，\"Thismysticphialkeep，AndrubitsliquorinyourheadBeforeyougotosleep。
\"Whenyouawakenextday，Itrow，You’lllookinformandhueToothersjustasyoudonow—
ButnottoPILLALOO!
\"Whenyouapproachhim，youwillfindHe’llthinkyoucoarse—unkempt—
Andrudelybidyougetbehind，Withundisguisedcontempt。\"
TheLORDDEPILLALOOarrivedWithhisexpensivetrain，Andwheninstateserenelyhived，HesentforBILLandJANE。
\"Oh，spareher，LORDOFPILLALOO!
（SaidBILL）ifwedyoube，There’sanythingI’DratherdoThanflirtwithLADYP。\"
TheLordhegazedinJenny’seyes，Helookedherthroughandthrough：
Thecunningwoman’spropheciesWereclearlycomingtrue。
LORDPILLALOO，theRustic’sBane（Badpersonhe，andproud），HELAUGHEDHA!HA!ATPRETTYJANE，ANDSNEEREDATHERALOUD!
Hebadehergetbehindhimthen，Andseekhermother’sstye—
YettohernativecountrymenShewasasfairasaye!
MACCATACOMB，continuegreen!
Grow，SALMON—EYE，inmight，Exceptforyou，theremighthavebeenThedeuce’sowndelightBallad：Phrenology\"Come，collarthisbadman—
AroundthethroatheknottedmeTillItochokebegan—
Inpointoffact，garottedme!\"
SospakeSIRHERBERTWRITE
ToJAMES，PolicemanThirty—two—
AllruffledwithhisfightSIRHERBERTwas，anddirtytoo。
Policemannothingsaid（Thoughhehadmuchtosayonit），Butfromthebadman’sheadHetookthecapthatlayonit。
\"No，greatSIRHERBERTWHITE—
Impossibletotakehimup。
Thismanishonestquite—
Whereverdidyourakehimup？
\"ForBurglars，Thieves，andCo。，Indeed，I’mnoapologist，ButI，someyearsago，AssistedaPhrenologist。
\"Observehisvariousbumps，HisheadasIuncoverit：
HismoralslieinlumpsAllroundaboutandoverit。\"
\"Nowtakehim，\"saidSIRWHITE，\"Oryouwillsoonberueingit；
Blessme!Imustberight，—
Icaughtthefellowdoingit!\"
Policemancalmlysmiled，\"Indeedyouaremistaken，sir，You’reagitated—riled—
Andverybadlyshaken，sir。
\"Sitdown，andI’llexplainMysystemofPhrenology，Asecond，please，remain\"—
（Asecondishorology）。
Policemanlefthisbeat—
（TheBart。，nolongerfurious，Satdownuponaseat，Observing，\"Thisiscurious!\"）
\"Oh，surely，herearesignsShouldsoftenyourrigidity：
ThisgentlemancombinesPolitenesswithtimidity。
\"OfShynesshere’salump—
AholeforAnimosity—
AndlikemyfisthisbumpOfImpecuniosity。
\"JustherethebumpappearsOfInnocentHilarity，AndjustbehindhisearsAreFaith，andHope，andCharity。
HeoftrueChristianwaysAsbrightexamplesentusis—
Thismaximheobeys，’SORTETUACONTENTUSSIS。’
\"There，lethimgohisways，Heneedsnosternadmonishing。\"
TheBart。，inblankamaze，Exclaimed，\"Thisisastonishing!
\"IMUSThavemadeamull，ThismatterI’vebeenblindinit：
Examine，please，MYskull，Andtellmewhatyoufindinit。\"
ThatCrusherlooked，andsaid，Withunimpairedurbanity，\"SIRHERBERT，you’veaheadThatteemswithinhumanity。
\"Here’sMurder，Envy，Strife（Propensitytokillany），AndLiesaslargeaslife，AndheapsofSocialVillany。
\"Here’sLoveofBran—NewClothes，Embezzling—Arson—Deism—
AtasteforSlangandOaths，AndFraudulentTrusteeism。
\"Here’sLoveofGroundlessCharge—
Here’sMalice，too，andTrickery，UnusuallylargeYourbumpofPocket—Pickery—\"
\"Stop!\"saidtheBart。，\"mycupIsfull—I’mworsethanhiminall；
Policeman，takemeup—
NodoubtIamsomecriminal!\"
ThatPleeceman’sscorngrewlarge（Phrenologyhadnettledit），HetookthatBart。incharge—
Idon’tknowhowtheysettledit。
Ballad：TheFairyCurateOnceafairyLightandairyMarriedwithamortal；
Men，however，Never，neverPassthefairyportal。
Slylystealing，ShetoEalingMadeadailyjourney；
Thereshefoundhim，Clientsroundhim（Hewasanattorney）。
Longtheytarried，Thentheymarried。
WhentheceremonyOncewasended，OfftheywendedOntheirmoonofhoney。
Twelvemonth，maybe，Sawababy（Friendsperformedanorgie）。
Muchtheyprizedhim，AndbaptizedhimBythenameofGEORGIE，GEORGIEgrewup；
ThenheflewupTohisfairymother。
Happymeeting—
Pleasantgreeting—
Kissingoneanother。
\"ChooseacallingMostenthralling，Isincerelyurgeye。\"
\"Mother，\"saidhe（Rev’rencemadehe），\"Iwouldjointheclergy。
\"GivepermissionInaddition—
Pawillletmedoit：
There’salivingInhisgiving—
He’llappointmetoit。
Dreamsofcoff’ring，Easteroff’ring，Titheandrentandpew—rate，Soinflameme（Donotblameme），ThatI’llbeacurate。\"
She，withpleasure，Said，\"Mytreasure，’Tismywishprecisely。
Doyourduty，There’sabeauty；
Youhavechosenwisely。
TellyourfatherIwouldratherAsachurchmanrankyou。
You，inclover，I’llwatchover。\"
GEORGIEsaid，\"Oh，thankyou!\"
GEORGIEscudded，Wentandstudied，Madeallpreparations，Andwithcredit（Thoughhesaidit）
Passedexaminations。
（DonotquarrelWithhim，moral，Scrupulousdigestions—
’Twashismother，Andnoother，Answeredallthequestions。）
Timeproceeded；
LittleneededGEORGIEadmonition：
He，elated，VindicatedClergyman’sposition。
PeopleroundhimAlwaysfoundhimPlainandunpretending；
Kindlyteaching，Plainlypreaching，Allhismoneylending。
Sothefairy，Wiseandwary，Feltnosorrowrising—
NooccasionForpersuasion，Warning，oradvising。
He，resumingFairypluming（That’snotEnglish，isit？）
Oftwouldflyup，Totheskyup，Paymammaavisit。
********
Timeprogressing，GEORGIE’SblessingGrewmoreRitualistic—
Popishscandals，Tonsures—sandals—
Genuflectionsmystic；
Gushingmeetings—
Bosom—beatings—
Heavenlyecstatics—
Broideredspencers—
Copesandcensers—
Rochetsanddalmatics。
ThisquandaryVexedthefairy—
FlewshedowntoEaling。
\"GEORGIE，stopit!
Prayyou，dropit；
Harktomyappealing：
TothisfoolishPapalrule—ishTwaddleputanending；
ThisaswerveisFromourServicePlainandunpretending。\"
He，replying，Answered，sighing，Hawing，hemming，humming，\"It’sapity—
They’resopritty；
Yetinmodebecoming，Mothertender，I’llsurrender—
I’llbeunaffected—\"
ButhisBishopIntoHISshopEnteredunexpected!
\"Whoisthis，sir，—
Balletmiss，sir？\"
SaidtheBishopcoldly。
\"’Tismymother，Andnoother，\"
GEORGIEansweredboldly。
\"Goalong，sir!
Youarewrong，sir；
Youhaveyearsinplenty，Whilethishussy（Graciousmussy!）
Isn’ttwoandtwenty!\"
（FairiescleverNever，neverGrowinvisageolder；
Andthefairy，Allunwary，Leantuponhisshoulder!）
Bishopgrievedhim，Disbelievedhim；
GEORGEthepointgrewwarmon；
Changedreligion，Likeapigeon，（12）
AndbecameaMormon!
Ballad：TheWayOfWooingAmaidensatatherwindowwide，PrettyenoughforaPrince’sbride，Yetnobodycametoclaimher。
Shesatlikeabeautifulpicturethere，Withprettybluebellsandrosesfair，Andjasmine—leavestoframeher。
Andwhyshesattherenobodyknows；
Butthisshesangasshepluckedarose，Theleavesaroundherstrewing：
\"I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Butthegallant’sWAYofwooing!\"
Alovercameridingbyawhile，Awealthyloverwashe，whosesmileSomemaidswouldvaluegreatly—
Aformallover，whobowedandbent，Withmanyahigh—flowncompliment，Andcolddemeanourstately，\"You’vestill，\"saidshetohersuitorstern，\"The’prentice—workofyourcrafttolearn，Ifthusyoucomea—cooing。
I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!\"
Asecondlovercameamblingby—
AtimidladwithafrightenedeyeAndacolourmantlinghighly。
Hemutteredtheerrandonwhichhe’dcome，Thenonlychuckledandbithisthumb，Andsimpered，simperedshyly。
\"No，\"saidthemaiden，\"goyourway；
Youdarebutthinkwhatamanwouldsay，Yetdaretocomea—suing!
I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!\"
Athirdrodeupatastartlingpace—
Asuitorpoor，withahomelyface—
Nodoubtsappearedtobindhim。
Hekissedherlipsandhepressedherwaist，Andoffherodewiththemaiden，placedOnapillionsafebehindhim。
AndsheheardthesuitorboldconfideThisgoldenhinttothepriestwhotiedTheknotthere’snoundoing；
Withprettyyoungmaidenswhocanchoose，’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!\"
Ballad：HongreeAndMahry。ARecollectionOfASurreyMelodramaThesunwassettinginitswontedwest，WhenHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，MetMAHRYDAUBIGNY，theVillageRose，UndertheWizard’sOak—oldtrysting—placeOfthosewholovedinrosyAquitaine。
Theythoughtthemselvesunwatched，buttheywerenot；
ForHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，FoundinLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC
Arival，enviousandunscrupulous，Whothoughtitnotfoulscorntododgehissteps，Andlisten，unperceived，toallthatpassedBetweenthesimplelittleVillageRoseAndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
Aclumsybarrack—bullywasDUBOSC，Quiteunfamiliarwiththewell—bredtactThatanimatesapropergentlemanIndealingwithagirlofhumblerank。
You’llunderstandhiscoarsenesswhenIsayHewouldhavemarriedMAHRYDAUBIGNY，AnddraggedtheunsophisticatedgirlIntothewhirloffashionablelife，Forwhichhersingularlyrusticways，Herbreeding（moral，butextremelyrude），Herlanguage（chaste，butungrammatical），Wouldabsolutelyhaveunfittedher。
HowdifferenttothisunreflectingboorWasHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
ContemporarywiththeincidentRelatedinouropeningparagraph，Wasthatsadwar’twixtGalliaandourselvesThatfollowedonthetreatysignedatTroyes；
AndsoLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC
（Bravesoldier，he，withallhisfaultsofstyle）
AndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，WeresentbyCHARLESofFranceagainstthelinesOfourSixthHENRY（Fourteentwenty—nine），TodrivehislegionsoutofAquitaine。
WhenHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Returned，suspectingnothing，tohiscamp，AfterhismeetingwiththeVillageRose，Hefoundinsidehisbarrackletter—boxAnotefromthecommandingofficer，Requiringhisattendanceathead—quarters。
Hewent，andfoundLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLES。
\"YoungHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，ThisnightweshallattacktheEnglishcamp：
Bethe’forlornhope’yours—you’llleadit，sir，Andleadittoowithcredit，I’venodoubt。
Aseverymanmustcertainlybekilled（Foryouaretwenty’gainsttwothousandmen），Itisnotlikelythatyouwillreturn。
Butwhatofthat？you’llhavethebenefitOfknowingthatyoudieasoldier’sdeath。\"
ObediencewasyoungHONGREE’Sstrongestpoint，ButheimaginedthatheonlyowedAllegiancetohisMAHRYandhisKing。
\"IfMAHRYbademeleadthesefatedmen，I’dleadthem—butIdonotthinkshewould。
IfCHARLES，myKing，said，’Go，myson，anddie，’
I’dgo，ofcourse—mydutywouldbeclear。
ButMAHRYisinbedasleep，Ihope，AndCHARLES，myKing，ahundredleaguesfromthis。
AsforLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC，HowknowIthatourmonarchwouldapproveTheorderhehasgivenmeto—night？
MyKingI’vesworninallthingstoobey—
I’llonlytakemyordersfrommyKing!\"
ThusHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Interpretedthetermsofhiscommission。
AndHONGREE，whowaswiseashewasgood，Disguisedhimselfthatnightinamplecloak，Roundflappinghat，andvizormaskofblack，Andmade，unnoticed，fortheEnglishcamp。
Hepassedtheunsuspectingsentinels（WholittlethoughtamaninthisdisguiseCouldbeaproperobjectofsuspicion），Anderethecurfewbellhadboomed\"lightsout，\"
HefoundinaudienceBedford’shaughtyDuke。
\"YourGrace，\"hesaid，\"startnot—benotalarmed，AlthoughaFrenchmanstandsbeforeyoureyes。
I’mHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
MyColonelwillattackyourcampto—night，Andordersmetoleadthehopeforlorn。
NowIamsureourexcellentKINGCHARLES
Wouldnotapproveofthis；buthe’sawayAhundredleagues，andrathermorethanthat。
So，utterlydevotedtomyKing，Blindedbymyattachmenttothethrone，Andhavingbutitsinterestatheart，IfeelitismydutytodiscloseAllschemesthatemanatefromCOLONELJOOLES，IfIbelievethattheyarenotthekindOfschemesthatourgoodmonarchwouldapprove。\"
\"Buthow，\"saidBedford’sDuke，\"doyouproposeThatweshouldoverthrowyourColonel’sscheme？\"
AndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Repliedatoncewithnever—failingtact：
\"Oh，sir，Iknowthiscursedcountrywell。
Entrustyourselfandallyourhosttome；
I’llleadyousafelybyasecretpathIntotheheartofCOLONELJOOLES’array，Andyoucanthenattackthemunprepared，Andslaymyfellow—countrymenunarmed。\"
Thethingwasdone。TheDUKEofBEDFORDgaveTheorder，andtwothousandfightingmenCreptsilentlyintotheGalliccamp，AndslewtheFrenchmenastheylayasleep；
AndBedford’shaughtyDukeslewCOLONELJOOLES，AndgavefairMAHRY，prideofAquitaine，ToHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
Ballad：EtiquetteTheBALLYSHANNONfounderedoffthecoastofCariboo，Anddowninfathomsmanywentthecaptainandthecrew；
Downwenttheowners—greedymenwhomhopeofgainallured：
Oh，drythestartingtear，fortheywereheavilyinsured。
Besidesthecaptainandthemate，theownersandthecrew，Thepassengerswerealsodrownedexceptingonlytwo：
YoungPETERGRAY，whotastedteasforBAKER，CROOP，ANDCO。，AndSOMERS，whofromEasternshoresimportedindigo。
Thesepassengers，byreasonoftheirclingingtoamast，Uponadesertislandwereeventuallycast。
Theyhuntedfortheirmeals，asALEXANDERSELKIRKused，Buttheycouldn’tchattogether—theyhadnotbeenintroduced。
ForPETERGRAY，andSOMERStoo，thoughcertainlyintrade，Wereproperlyparticularaboutthefriendstheymade；
Andsomehowthustheysettleditwithoutawordofmouth—
ThatGRAYshouldtakethenorthernhalf，whileSOMERStookthesouth。
OnPETER’Sportionoystersgrew—adelicacyrare，ButoysterswereadelicacyPETERcouldn’tbear。
OnSOMERS’sidewasturtle，ontheshinglelyingthick，WhichSOMERScouldn’teat，becauseitalwaysmadehimsick。
GRAYgnashedhisteethwithenvyashesawamightystoreOfturtleunmolestedonhisfellow—creature’sshore。
Theoystersathisfeetasideimpatientlyheshoved，Forturtleandhismotherweretheonlythingsheloved。
AndSOMERSsighedinsorrowashesettledinthesouth，ForthethoughtofPETER’Soystersbroughtthewatertohismouth。
Helongedtolayhimdownupontheshellybed，andstuff：
Hehadofteneatenoysters，buthadneverhadenough。
HowtheywishedanintroductiontoeachothertheyhadhadWhenonboardtheBALLYSHANNON!AnditdrovethemnearlymadTothinkhowveryfriendlywitheachothertheymightget，Ifitwasn’tforthearbitraryruleofetiquette!
Oneday，whenouta—huntingfortheMUSRIDICULUS，GRAYoverheardhisfellow—mansoliloquizingthus：
\"Iwonderhowtheplaymatesofmyyoutharegettingon，M’CONNELL，S。B。WALTERS，PADDYBYLES，andROBINSON？\"
ThesesimplewordsmadePETERasdelightedascouldbe，OldchummiesattheCharterhousewereROBINSONandhe!
HewalkedstraightuptoSOMERS，thenheturnedextremelyred，Hesitated，hummedandhawedabit，thenclearedhisthroat，andsaid：
Ibegyourpardon—prayforgivemeifIseemtoobold，ButyouhavebreathedanameIknewfamiliarlyofold。
YouspokealoudofROBINSON—Ihappenedtobeby。
Youknowhim？\"\"Yes，extremelywell。\"\"Allowme，sodoI。\"
Itwasenough：theyfelttheycouldmorepleasantlygeton，For（ah，themagicofthefact!）theyeachknewROBINSON!
AndMr。SOMERS’turtlewasatPETER’Sservicequite，AndMr。SOMERSpunishedPETER’Soyster—bedsallnight。
Theysoonbecamelikebrothersfromcommunityofwrongs：
Theywroteeachotherlittleodesandsangeachothersongs；
Theytoldeachotheranecdotesdisparagingtheirwives；
Onseveraloccasions，too，theysavedeachother’slives。
Theyfeltquitemelancholywhentheypartedforthenight，Andgotupinthemorningsoonaseveritwaslight；
Eachother’spleasantcompanytheyreckonedsoupon，AndallbecauseithappenedthattheybothknewROBINSON!
Theylivedformanyyearsonthatinhospitableshore，Anddaybydaytheylearnedtoloveeachothermoreandmore。
Atlast，totheirastonishment，ongettinguponeday，Theysawafrigateanchoredintheoffingofthebay。
ToPETERanideaoccurred。\"Supposewecrossthemain？
Sogoodanopportunitymaynotbefoundagain。\"
AndSOMERSthoughtaminute，thenejaculated，\"Done!
IwonderhowmybusinessintheCity’sgettingon？\"
\"Butstay，\"saidMr。PETER：\"wheninEngland，asyouknow，IearnedalivingtastingteasforBAKER，CROOP，ANDCO。，Imaybesuperseded—myemployersthinkmedead!\"
\"Thencomewithme，\"saidSOMERS，\"andtasteindigoinstead。\"
ButalltheirplanswerescatteredinamomentwhentheyfoundThevesselwasaconvictshipfromPortland，outwardbound；
Whenaboatcameofftofetchthem，thoughtheyfeltitverykind，Togoonboardtheyfirmlybutrespectfullydeclined。
Asboththehappysettlersroaredwithlaughteratthejoke，Theyrecognizedagentlemanlyfellowpullingstroke：
’TwasROBINSON—aconvict，inanunbecomingfrock!
Condemnedtosevenyearsformisappropriatingstock!!!
Theylaughednomore，forSOMERSthoughthehadbeenratherrashInknowingonewhosefriendhadmisappropriatedcash；
AndPETERthoughtafoolishtackhemusthavegoneuponInmakingtheacquaintanceofafriendofROBINSON。
Atfirsttheydidn’tquarrelveryopenly，I’veheard；
Theynoddedwhentheymet，andnowandthenexchangedaword：
Thewordgrewrare，andrarerstillthenoddingofthehead，Andwhentheymeeteachothernow，theycuteachotherdead。
Toallocatetheislandtheyagreedbywordofmouth，AndPETERtakesthenorthagain，andSOMERStakesthesouth；
AndPETERhastheoysters，whichhehates，inlayersthick，AndSOMERShastheturtle—turtlealwaysmakeshimsick。
Foonotes：
（1）\"GowithmetoaNotary—sealmethereYoursinglebond。\"—MERCHANTOFVENICE，ActI。，sc。3。
（2）\"Andthereshallshe，atFriarLawrence’cell，Beshrivedandmarried。\"—ROMEOANDJULIET，ActII。，sc。4。
（3）\"Andgivethefastinghorsesprovender。\"—HENRYTHE
FIFTH，ActIV。，sc。2。
（4）\"Letus，likemerchants，showourfoulestwares。\"—
TROILUSANDCRESSIDA，ActI。，sc。3。
（5）\"ThenmusttheJewbemerciful。\"—MERCHANTOFVENICE，ActIV。，sc。1。
（6）\"Thespring，thesummer，Thechillingautumn，angrywinter，changeTheirwontedliveries。\"—MIDSUMMERNIGHTDREAM，ActIV。，sc。
1。
（7）\"InthecountyofGlo’ster，justiceofthepeaceandCORAM。\"
MERRYWIVESOFWINDSOR，ActI。，sc。1。
（8）\"Whatlustytrumpetthusdothsummonus？\"—KINGJOHN，ActV。，sc。2。
（9）\"AndI’llprovidehisexecutioner。\"—HENRYTHESIXTH
（SecondPart），ActIII。，sc。1。
（10）\"Thelionesshadtornsomefleshaway，Whichallthiswhilehadbled。\"—ASYOULIKEIT，ActIV。，sc。
3。
（11）DescribedbyMUNGOPARK。
（12）\"Likeabird。\"—SLANGEXPRESSION。
