’Timehavingbeenallowedforaslightconfusion，occasionedbythefallingdownofthegreaterpartoftheplatforms，tosubside，thepresidentcalledononeofthesecretariestoreadacommunicationentitled，\"Someremarksontheindustriousfleas，withconsiderationsontheimportanceofestablishinginfant—schoolsamongthatnumerousclassofsociety；ofdirectingtheirindustrytousefulandpracticalends；andofapplyingthesurplusfruitsthereof，towardsprovidingforthemacomfortableandrespectablemaintenanceintheiroldage。\"
’Theauthorstated，that，havinglongturnedhisattentiontothemoralandsocialconditionoftheseinterestinganimals，hehadbeeninducedtovisitanexhibitioninRegent—street，London，commonlyknownbythedesignationof\"TheIndustriousFleas。\"Hehadthereseenmanyfleas，occupiedcertainlyinvariouspursuitsandavocations，butoccupied，hewasboundtoadd，inamannerwhichnomanofwell—regulatedmindcouldfailtoregardwithsorrowandregret。Oneflea，reducedtothelevelofabeastofburden，wasdrawingaboutaminiaturegig，containingaparticularlysmalleffigyofHisGracetheDukeofWellington；
whileanotherwasstaggeringbeneaththeweightofagoldenmodelofhisgreatadversaryNapoleonBonaparte。Some，broughtupasmountebanksandballet—dancers，wereperformingafigure—dance（heregrettedtoobserve，that，ofthefleassoemployed，severalwerefemales）；otherswereintraining，inasmallcard—boardbox，forpedestrians，—meresportingcharacters—andtwowereactuallyengagedinthecold—bloodedandbarbarousoccupationofduelling；apursuitfromwhichhumanityrecoiledwithhorroranddisgust。Hesuggestedthatmeasuresshouldbeimmediatelytakentoemploythelabourofthesefleasaspartandparceloftheproductivepowerofthecountry，whichmighteasilybedonebytheestablishmentamongthemofinfantschoolsandhousesofindustry，inwhichasystemofvirtuouseducation，baseduponsoundprinciples，shouldbeobserved，andmoralpreceptsstrictlyinculcated。Heproposedthateveryfleawhopresumedtoexhibit，forhire，music，ordancing，oranyspeciesoftheatricalentertainment，withoutalicence，shouldbeconsideredavagabond，andtreatedaccordingly；inwhichrespectheonlyplacedhimuponalevelwiththerestofmankind。Hewouldfurthersuggestthattheirlabourshouldbeplacedunderthecontrolandregulationofthestate，whoshouldsetapartfromtheprofits，afundforthesupportofsuperannuatedordisabledfleas，theirwidowsandorphans。Withthisview，heproposedthatliberalpremiumsshouldbeofferedforthethreebestdesignsforageneralalmshouse；fromwhich—asinsectarchitecturewaswellknowntobeinaveryadvancedandperfectstate—wemightpossiblyderivemanyvaluablehintsfortheimprovementofourmetropolitanuniversities，nationalgalleries，andotherpublicedifices。
’THEPRESIDENTwishedtobeinformedhowtheingeniousgentlemanproposedtoopenacommunicationwithfleasgenerally，inthefirstinstance，sothattheymightbethoroughlyimbuedwithasenseoftheadvantagestheymustnecessarilyderivefromchangingtheirmodeoflife，andapplyingthemselvestohonestlabour。Thisappearedtohim，theonlydifficulty。
’THEAUTHORsubmittedthatthisdifficultywaseasilyovercome，orratherthattherewasnodifficultyatallinthecase。Obviouslythecoursetobepursued，ifHerMajesty’sgovernmentcouldbeprevailedupontotakeuptheplan，wouldbe，tosecureataremunerativesalarytheindividualtowhomhehadalludedaspresidingovertheexhibitioninRegent—streetattheperiodofhisvisit。Thatgentlemanwouldatoncebeabletoputhimselfincommunicationwiththemassofthefleas，andtoinstructtheminpursuanceofsomegeneralplanofeducation，tobesanctionedbyParliament，untilsuchtimeasthemoreintelligentamongthemwereadvancedenoughtoofficiateasteacherstotherest。
’ThePresidentandseveralmembersofthesectionhighlycomplimentedtheauthorofthepaperlastread，onhismostingeniousandimportanttreatise。Itwasdeterminedthatthesubjectshouldberecommendedtotheimmediateconsiderationofthecouncil。
’MR。WIGSBYproducedacauliflowersomewhatlargerthanachaise—
umbrella，whichhadbeenraisedbynootherartificialmeansthanthesimpleapplicationofhighlycarbonatedsoda—waterasmanure。
Heexplainedthatbyscoopingoutthehead，whichwouldaffordanewanddeliciousspeciesofnourishmentforthepoor，aparachute，inprinciplesomethingsimilartothatconstructedbyM。Garnerin，wasatonceobtained；thestalkofcoursebeingkeptdownwards。Headdedthathewasperfectlywillingtomakeadescentfromaheightofnotlessthanthreemilesandaquarter；andhadinfactalreadyproposedthesametotheproprietorsofVauxhallGardens，whointhehandsomestmanneratonceconsentedtohiswishes，andappointedanearlydaynextsummerfortheundertaking；merelystipulatingthattherimofthecauliflowershouldbepreviouslybrokeninthreeorfourplacestoensurethesafetyofthedescent。
’THEPRESIDENTcongratulatedthepublicontheGRANDGALAinstoreforthem，andwarmlyeulogisedtheproprietorsoftheestablishmentalludedto，fortheirloveofscience，andregardforthesafetyofhumanlife，bothofwhichdidthemthehighesthonour。
’AMemberwishedtoknowhowmanythousandadditionallampstheroyalpropertywouldbeilluminatedwith，onthenightafterthedescent。
’MR。WIGSBYrepliedthatthepointwasnotyetfinallydecided；buthebelieveditwasproposed，overandabovetheordinaryilluminations，toexhibitinvariousdeviceseightmillionsanda—
halfofadditionallamps。
’TheMemberexpressedhimselfmuchgratifiedwiththisannouncement。
’MR。BLUNDERUMdelightedthesectionwithamostinterestingandvaluablepaper\"onthelastmomentsofthelearnedpig，\"whichproducedaverystrongimpressionontheassembly，theaccountbeingcompiledfromthepersonalrecollectionsofhisfavouriteattendant。Theaccountstatedinthemostemphatictermsthattheanimal’snamewasnotToby，butSolomon；anddistinctlyprovedthathecouldhavenonearrelativesintheprofession，asmanydesigningpersonshadfalselystated，inasmuchashisfather，mother，brothersandsisters，hadallfallenvictimstothebutcheratdifferenttimes。Anuncleofhisindeed，hadwithverygreatlabourbeentracedtoastyinSomersTown；butashewasinaveryinfirmstateatthetime，beingafflictedwithmeasles，andshortlyafterwardsdisappeared，thereappearedtoomuchreasontoconjecturethathehadbeenconvertedintosausages。Thedisorderofthelearnedpigwasoriginallyaseverecold，which，beingaggravatedbyexcessivetroughindulgence，finallysettleduponthelungs，andterminatedinageneraldecayoftheconstitution。A
melancholyinstanceofapresentimententertainedbytheanimalofhisapproachingdissolution，wasrecorded。Aftergratifyinganumerousandfashionablecompanywithhisperformances，inwhichnofallingoffwhateverwasvisible，hefixedhiseyesonthebiographer，and，turningtothewatchwhichlayonthefloor，andonwhichhewasaccustomedtopointoutthehour，deliberatelypassedhissnouttwiceroundthedial。Inpreciselyfour—and—
twentyhoursfromthattimehehadceasedtoexist!
’PROFESSORWHEEZYinquiredwhether，previoustohisdemise，theanimalhadexpressed，bysignsorotherwise，anywishesregardingthedisposalofhislittleproperty。
’MR。BLUNDERUMreplied，that，whenthebiographertookupthepackofcardsattheconclusionoftheperformance，theanimalgruntedseveraltimesinasignificantmanner，andnoddinghisheadashewasaccustomedtodo，whengratified。Fromthesegesturesitwasunderstoodthathewishedtheattendanttokeepthecards，whichhehadeversincedone。Hehadnotexpressedanywishrelativetohiswatch，whichhadaccordinglybeenpawnedbythesameindividual。
’THEPRESIDENTwishedtoknowwhetheranyMemberofthesectionhadeverseenorconversedwiththepig—facedlady，whowasreportedtohavewornablackvelvetmask，andtohavetakenhermealsfromagoldentrough。
’AftersomehesitationaMemberrepliedthatthepig—facedladywashismother—in—law，andthathetrustedthePresidentwouldnotviolatethesanctityofprivatelife。
’THEPRESIDENTbeggedpardon。Hehadconsideredthepig—facedladyapubliccharacter。Wouldthehonourablememberobjecttostate，withaviewtotheadvancementofscience，whethershewasinanywayconnectedwiththelearnedpig？
’TheMemberrepliedinthesamelowtone，that，asthequestionappearedtoinvolveasuspicionthatthelearnedpigmightbehishalf—brother，hemustdeclineansweringit。
’SECTIONB。—ANATOMYANDMEDICINE。
COACH—HOUSE，PIGANDTINDER—BOX。
PRESIDENT—Dr。Toorell。VICE—PRESIDENTS—ProfessorsMuffandNogo。
DR。KUTANKUMAGEN（ofMoscow）readtothesectionareportofacasewhichhadoccurredwithinhisownpractice，strikinglyillustrativeofthepowerofmedicine，asexemplifiedinhissuccessfultreatmentofavirulentdisorder。Hehadbeencalledintovisitthepatientonthe1stofApril，1837。Hewasthenlabouringundersymptomspeculiarlyalarmingtoanymedicalman。Hisframewasstoutandmuscular，hisstepfirmandelastic，hischeeksplumpandred，hisvoiceloud，hisappetitegood，hispulsefullandround。
HewasintheconstanthabitofeatingthreemealsPERDIEM，andofdrinkingatleastonebottleofwine，andoneglassofspirituousliquorsdilutedwithwater，inthecourseofthefour—and—twentyhours。Helaughedconstantly，andinsoheartyamannerthatitwasterribletohearhim。Bydintofpowerfulmedicine，lowdiet，andbleeding，thesymptomsinthecourseofthreedaysperceptiblydecreased。Arigidperseveranceinthesamecourseoftreatmentforonlyoneweek，accompaniedwithsmalldosesofwater—gruel，weakbroth，andbarley—water，ledtotheirentiredisappearance。
Inthecourseofamonthhewassufficientlyrecoveredtobecarrieddown—stairsbytwonurses，andtoenjoyanairinginaclosecarriage，supportedbysoftpillows。Atthepresentmomenthewasrestoredsofarastowalkabout，withtheslightassistanceofacrutchandaboy。Itwouldperhapsbegratifyingtothesectiontolearnthatheatelittle，dranklittle，sleptlittle，andwasneverheardtolaughbyanyaccidentwhatever。
’DR。W。R。FEE，incomplimentingthehonourablememberuponthetriumphantcurehehadeffected，beggedtoaskwhetherthepatientstillbledfreely？
’DR。KUTANKUMAGENrepliedintheaffirmative。
’DR。W。R。FEE。—Andyoufoundthathebledfreelyduringthewholecourseofthedisorder？
’DR。KUTANKUMAGEN。—Ohdear，yes；mostfreely。
’DR。NEESHAWTSsupposed，thatifthepatienthadnotsubmittedtobebledwithgreatreadinessandperseverance，soextraordinaryacurecouldnever，infact，havebeenaccomplished。Dr。
Kutankumagenrejoined，certainlynot。
’MR。KNIGHTBELL（M。R。C。S。）exhibitedawaxpreparationoftheinteriorofagentlemanwhoinearlylifehadinadvertentlyswallowedadoor—key。Itwasacuriousfactthatamedicalstudentofdissipatedhabits，beingpresentatthePOSTMORTEMexamination，foundmeanstoescapeunobservedfromtheroom，withthatportionofthecoatsofthestomachuponwhichanexactmodeloftheinstrumentwasdistinctlyimpressed，withwhichhehastenedtoalocksmithofdoubtfulcharacter，whomadeanewkeyfromthepatternsoshowntohim。Withthiskeythemedicalstudententeredthehouseofthedeceasedgentleman，andcommittedaburglarytoalargeamount，forwhichhewassubsequentlytriedandexecuted。
’THEPRESIDENTwishedtoknowwhatbecameoftheoriginalkeyafterthelapseofyears。Mr。KnightBellrepliedthatthegentlemanwasalwaysmuchaccustomedtopunch，anditwassupposedtheacidhadgraduallydevouredit。
’DR。NEESHAWTSandseveralofthememberswereofopinionthatthekeymusthavelainverycoldandheavyuponthegentleman’sstomach。
’MR。KNIGHTBELLbelieveditdidatfirst。Itwasworthyofremark，perhaps，thatforsomeyearsthegentlemanwastroubledwithanight—mare，undertheinfluenceofwhichhealwaysimaginedhimselfawine—cellardoor。
’PROFESSORMUFFrelatedaveryextraordinaryandconvincingproofofthewonderfulefficacyofthesystemofinfinitesimaldoses，whichthesectionweredoubtlessawarewasbaseduponthetheorythattheveryminutestamountofanygivendrug，properlydispersedthroughthehumanframe，wouldbeproductiveofpreciselythesameresultasaverylargedoseadministeredintheusualmanner。
Thus，thefortiethpartofagrainofcalomelwassupposedtobeequaltoafive—graincalomelpill，andsooninproportionthroughoutthewholerangeofmedicine。Hehadtriedtheexperimentinacuriousmanneruponapublicanwhohadbeenbroughtintothehospitalwithabrokenhead，andwascuredupontheinfinitesimalsystemintheincrediblyshortspaceofthreemonths。
Thismanwasaharddrinker。He（ProfessorMuff）haddispersedthreedropsofrumthroughabucketofwater，andrequestedthemantodrinkthewhole。Whatwastheresult？Beforehehaddrunkaquart，hewasinastateofbeastlyintoxication；andfiveothermenweremadedeaddrunkwiththeremainder。
’THEPRESIDENTwishedtoknowwhetheraninfinitesimaldoseofsoda—waterwouldhaverecoveredthem？ProfessorMuffrepliedthatthetwenty—fifthpartofateaspoonful，properlyadministeredtoeachpatient，wouldhavesoberedhimimmediately。ThePresidentremarkedthatthiswasamostimportantdiscovery，andhehopedtheLordMayorandCourtofAldermenwouldpatronizeitimmediately。
’AMemberbeggedtobeinformedwhetheritwouldbepossibletoadminister—say，thetwentiethpartofagrainofbreadandcheesetoallgrown—uppaupers，andthefortiethparttochildren，withthesamesatisfyingeffectastheirpresentallowance。
’PROFESSORMUFFwaswillingtostakehisprofessionalreputationontheperfectadequacyofsuchaquantityoffoodtothesupportofhumanlife—inworkhouses；theadditionofthefifteenthpartofagrainofpuddingtwiceaweekwouldrenderitahighdiet。
’PROFESSORNOGOcalledtheattentionofthesectiontoaveryextraordinarycaseofanimalmagnetism。Aprivatewatchman，beingmerelylookedatbytheoperatorfromtheoppositesideofawidestreet，wasatonceobservedtobeinaverydrowsyandlanguidstate。Hewasfollowedtohisbox，andbeingonceslightlyrubbedonthepalmsofthehands，fellintoasoundsleep，inwhichhecontinuedwithoutintermissionfortenhours。
’SECTIONC。—STATISTICS。
HAY—LOFT，ORIGINALPIG。
PRESIDENT—Mr。Woodensconce。VICE—PRESIDENTS—Mr。LedbrainandMr。Timbered。
’MR。SLUGstatedtothesectiontheresultofsomecalculationshehadmadewithgreatdifficultyandlabour，regardingthestateofinfanteducationamongthemiddleclassesofLondon。Hefoundthat，withinacircleofthreemilesfromtheElephantandCastle，thefollowingwerethenamesandnumbersofchildren’sbooksprincipallyincirculation：—
’JacktheGiant—killer7，943
DittoandBean—stalk8，621
DittoandElevenBrothers2，845
DittoandJill1，998
Total21，407
’HefoundthattheproportionofRobinsonCrusoestoPhilipQuarllswasasfourandahalftoone；andthatthepreponderanceofValentineandOrsonsoverGoodyTwoShoeseswasasthreeandaneighthoftheformertohalfaoneofthelatter；acomparisonofSevenChampionswithSimpleSimonsgavethesameresult。Theignorancethatprevailed，waslamentable。Onechild，onbeingaskedwhetherhewouldratherbeSaintGeorgeofEnglandorarespectabletallow—chandler，instantlyreplied，\"TaintGeorgeofIngling。\"Another，alittleboyofeightyearsold，wasfoundtobefirmlyimpressedwithabeliefintheexistenceofdragons，andopenlystatedthatitwashisintentionwhenhegrewup，torushforthswordinhandforthedeliveranceofcaptiveprincesses，andthepromiscuousslaughterofgiants。NotonechildamongthenumberinterrogatedhadeverheardofMungoPark，—someinquiringwhetherhewasatallconnectedwiththeblackmanthatsweptthecrossing；andotherswhetherhewasinanywayrelatedtotheRegent’sPark。Theyhadnottheslightestconceptionofthecommonestprinciplesofmathematics，andconsideredSindbadtheSailorthemostenterprisingvoyagerthattheworldhadeverproduced。
’AMemberstronglydeprecatingtheuseofalltheotherbooksmentioned，suggestedthatJackandJillmightperhapsbeexemptedfromthegeneralcensure，inasmuchastheheroandheroine，intheveryoutsetofthetale，weredepictedasgoingUPahilltofetchapailofwater，whichwasalaboriousandusefuloccupation，—
supposingthefamilylinenwasbeingwashed，forinstance。
’MR。SLUGfearedthatthemoraleffectofthispassagewasmorethancounterbalancedbyanotherinasubsequentpartofthepoem，inwhichverygrossallusionwasmadetothemodeinwhichtheheroinewaspersonallychastisedbyhermother\"’ForlaughingatJack’sdisaster；\"
besides，thewholeworkhadthisonegreatfault，ITWASNOTTRUE。
’THEPRESIDENTcomplimentedthehonourablememberontheexcellentdistinctionhehaddrawn。SeveralotherMembers，too，dweltupontheimmenseandurgentnecessityofstoringthemindsofchildrenwithnothingbutfactsandfigures；whichprocessthePresidentveryforciblyremarked，hadmadethem（thesection）thementheywere。
’MR。SLUGthenstatedsomecuriouscalculationsrespectingthedogs’—meatbarrowsofLondon。Hefoundthatthetotalnumberofsmallcartsandbarrowsengagedindispensingprovisiontothecatsanddogsofthemetropoliswas，onethousandsevenhundredandforty—three。Theaveragenumberofskewersdelivereddailywiththeprovender，byeachdogs’—meatcartorbarrow，wasthirty—six。
Now，multiplyingthenumberofskewerssodeliveredbythenumberofbarrows，atotalofsixty—twothousandsevenhundredandforty—
eightskewersdailywouldbeobtained。Allowingthat，ofthesesixty—twothousandsevenhundredandforty—eightskewers，theoddtwothousandsevenhundredandforty—eightwereaccidentallydevouredwiththemeat，bythemostvoraciousoftheanimalssupplied，itfollowedthatsixtythousandskewersperday，ortheenormousnumberoftwenty—onemillionsninehundredthousandskewersannually，werewastedinthekennelsanddustholesofLondon；which，ifcollectedandwarehoused，wouldintenyears’
timeaffordamassoftimbermorethansufficientfortheconstructionofafirst—ratevesselofwarfortheuseofherMajesty’snavy，tobecalled\"TheRoyalSkewer，\"andtobecomeunderthatnametheterrorofalltheenemiesofthisisland。
’MR。X。LEDBRAINreadaveryingeniouscommunication，fromwhichitappearedthatthetotalnumberoflegsbelongingtothemanufacturingpopulationofonegreattowninYorkshirewas，inroundnumbers，fortythousand，whilethetotalnumberofchairandstoollegsintheirhouseswasonlythirtythousand，which，upontheveryfavourableaverageofthreelegstoaseat，yieldedonlytenthousandseatsinall。Fromthiscalculationitwouldappear，—nottakingwoodenorcorklegsintotheaccount，butallowingtwolegstoeveryperson，—thattenthousandindividuals（one—halfofthewholepopulation）wereeitherdestituteofanyrestfortheirlegsatall，orpassedthewholeoftheirleisuretimeinsittinguponboxes。
’SECTIOND。—MECHANICALSCIENCE。
COACH—HOUSE，ORIGINALPIG。
PRESIDENT—Mr。Carter。VICE—PRESIDENTS—Mr。TruckandMr。
Waghorn。
’PROFESSORQUEERSPECKexhibitedanelegantmodelofaportablerailway，neatlymountedinagreencase，forthewaistcoatpocket。
Byattachingthisbeautifulinstrumenttohisboots，anyBankorpublic—officeclerkcouldtransporthimselffromhisplaceofresidencetohisplaceofbusiness，attheeasyrateofsixty—fivemilesanhour，which，togentlemenofsedentarypursuits，wouldbeanincalculableadvantage。
’THEPRESIDENTwasdesirousofknowingwhetheritwasnecessarytohavealevelsurfaceonwhichthegentlemanwastorun。
’PROFESSORQUEERSPECKexplainedthatCitygentlemenwouldrunintrains，beinghandcuffedtogethertopreventconfusionorunpleasantness。Forinstance，trainswouldstarteverymorningateight，nine，andteno’clock，fromCamdenTown，Islington，Camberwell，Hackney，andvariousotherplacesinwhichCitygentlemenareaccustomedtoreside。Itwouldbenecessarytohavealevel，buthehadprovidedforthisdifficultybyproposingthatthebestlinethatthecircumstanceswouldadmitof，shouldbetakenthroughthesewerswhichunderminethestreetsofthemetropolis，andwhich，welllightedbyjetsfromthegaspipeswhichrunimmediatelyabovethem，wouldformapleasantandcommodiousarcade，especiallyinwinter—time，whentheinconvenientcustomofcarryingumbrellas，nowsogeneral，couldbewhollydispensedwith。Inreplytoanotherquestion，ProfessorQueerspeckstatedthatnosubstituteforthepurposestowhichthesearcadeswereatpresentdevotedhadyetoccurredtohim，butthathehopednofancifulobjectiononthisheadwouldbeallowedtointerferewithsogreatanundertaking。
’MR。JOBBAproducedaforcing—machineonanovelplan，forbringingjoint—stockrailwaysharesprematurelytoapremium。Theinstrumentwasintheformofanelegantgiltweather—glass，ofmostdazzlingappearance，andwasworkedbehind，bystrings，afterthemannerofapantomimetrick，thestringsbeingalwayspulledbythedirectorsofthecompanytowhichthemachinebelonged。Thequicksilverwassoingeniouslyplaced，thatwhentheactingdirectorsheldsharesintheirpockets，figuresdenotingverysmallexpensesandverylargereturnsappearedupontheglass；butthemomentthedirectorspartedwiththesepiecesofpaper，theestimateofneedfulexpendituresuddenlyincreaseditselftoanimmenseextent，whilethestatementsofcertainprofitsbecamereducedinthesameproportion。Mr。Jobbastatedthatthemachinehadbeeninconstantrequisitionforsomemonthspast，andhehadneveronceknownittofail。
’AMemberexpressedhisopinionthatitwasextremelyneatandpretty。Hewishedtoknowwhetheritwasnotliabletoaccidentalderangement？Mr。Jobbasaidthatthewholemachinewasundoubtedlyliabletobeblownup，butthatwastheonlyobjectiontoit。
’PROFESSORNOGOarrivedfromtheanatomicalsectiontoexhibitamodelofasafetyfire—escape，whichcouldbefixedatanytime，inlessthanhalfanhour，andbymeansofwhich，theyoungestormostinfirmpersons（successfullyresistingtheprogressoftheflamesuntilitwasquiteready）couldbepreservediftheymerelybalancedthemselvesforafewminutesonthesilloftheirbedroomwindow，andgotintotheescapewithoutfallingintothestreet。
TheProfessorstatedthatthenumberofboyswhohadbeenrescuedinthedaytimebythismachinefromhouseswhichwerenotonfire，wasalmostincredible。NotaconflagrationhadoccurredinthewholeofLondonformanymonthspasttowhichtheescapehadnotbeencarriedontheverynextday，andputinactionbeforeaconcourseofpersons。
’THEPRESIDENTinquiredwhethertherewasnotsomedifficultyinascertainingwhichwasthetopofthemachine，andwhichthebottom，incasesofpressingemergency。
’PROFESSORNOGOexplainedthatofcourseitcouldnotbeexpectedtoactquiteaswellwhentherewasafire，aswhentherewasnotafire；butintheformercasehethoughtitwouldbeofequalservicewhetherthetopwereupordown。’
WiththelastsectionourcorrespondentconcludeshismostableandfaithfulReport，whichwillneverceasetoreflectcredituponhimforhisscientificattainments，anduponusforourenterprisingspirit。Itisneedlesstotakeareviewofthesubjectswhichhavebeendiscussed；ofthemodeinwhichtheyhavebeenexamined；ofthegreattruthswhichtheyhaveelicited。Theyarenowbeforetheworld，andweleavethemtoread，toconsider，andtoprofit。
Theplaceofmeetingfornextyearhasundergonediscussion，andhasatlengthbeendecided，regardbeinghadto，andevidencebeingtakenupon，thegoodnessofitswines，thesupplyofitsmarkets，thehospitalityofitsinhabitants，andthequalityofitshotels。
Wehopeatthisnextmeetingourcorrespondentmayagainbepresent，andthatwemaybeoncemorethemeansofplacinghiscommunicationsbeforetheworld。UntilthatperiodwehavebeenprevailedupontoallowthisnumberofourMiscellanytoberetailedtothepublic，orwholesaledtothetrade，withoutanyadvanceuponourusualprice。
Wehaveonlytoadd，thatthecommitteesarenowbrokenup，andthatMudfogisonceagainrestoredtoitsaccustomedtranquillity，—thatProfessorsandMembershavehadballs，andSOIREES，andsuppers，andgreatmutualcomplimentations，andhaveatlengthdispersedtotheirseveralhomes，—whitherallgoodwishesandjoysattendthem，untilnextyear!
SignedBOZ。
FULLREPORTOFTHESECONDMEETINGOFTHEMUDFOGASSOCIATIONFORTHE
ADVANCEMENTOFEVERYTHING
InOctoberlast，wedidourselvestheimmortalcreditofrecording，atanenormousexpense，andbydintofexertionsunnpralleledinthehistoryofperiodicalpublication，theproceedingsoftheMudfogAssociationfortheAdvancementofEverything，whichinthatmonthhelditsfirstgreathalf—yearlymeeting，tothewonderanddelightofthewholeempire。WeannouncedattheconclusionofthatextraordinaryandmostremarkableReport，thatwhentheSecondMeetingoftheSocietyshouldtakeplace，weshouldbefoundagainatourpost，renewingourgiganticandspiritedendeavours，andoncemoremakingtheworldringwiththeaccuracy，authenticity，immeasurablesuperiority，andintenseremarkabilityofouraccountofitsproceedings。Inredemptionofthispledge，wecausedtobedespatchedpersteamtoOldcastle（atwhichplacethissecondmeetingoftheSocietywasheldonthe20thinstant），thesamesuperhumanly—endowedgentlemanwhofurnishedtheformerreport，andwho，—giftedbynaturewithtranscendentabilities，andfurnishedbyuswithabodyofassistantsscarcelyinferiortohimself，—hasforwardedaseriesofletters，which，forfaithfulnessofdescription，poweroflanguage，fervourofthought，happinessofexpression，andimportanceofsubject—matter，havenoequalintheepistolaryliteratureofanyageorcountry。Wegivethisgentleman’scorrespondenceentire，andintheorderinwhichitreachedouroffice。
’SALOONOFSTEAMER，THURSDAYNIGHT，HALF—PASTEIGHT。
’WhenIleftNewBurlingtonStreetthiseveninginthehackneycabriolet，numberfourthousandtwohundredandeighty—five，I
experiencedsensationsasnovelastheywereoppressive。AsenseoftheimportanceofthetaskIhadundertaken，aconsciousnessthatIwasleavingLondon，and，strangerstill，goingsomewhereelse，afeelingoflonelinessandasensationofjolting，quitebewilderedmythoughts，andforatimerenderedmeeveninsensibletothepresenceofmycarpet—bagandhat—box。IshalleverfeelgratefultothedriverofaBlackwallomnibuswho，bythrustingthepoleofhisvehiclethroughthesmalldoorofthecabriolet，awakenedmefromatumultofimaginingsthatarewhollyindescribable。Butofsuchmaterialsisourimperfectnaturecomposed!
’IamhappytosaythatIamthefirstpassengeronboard，andshallthusbeenabledtogiveyouanaccountofallthathappensintheorderofitsoccurrence。Thechimneyissmokingagooddeal，andsoarethecrew；andthecaptain，Iaminformed，isverydrunkinalittlehouseupondeck，somethinglikeablackturnpike。I
shouldinferfromallIhearthathehasgotthesteamup。
’YouwillreadilyguesswithwhatfeelingsIhavejustmadethediscoverythatmyberthisinthesameclosetwiththoseengagedbyProfessorWoodensconce，Mr。Slug，andProfessorGrime。ProfessorWoodensconcehastakentheshelfaboveme，andMr。SlugandProfessorGrimethetwoshelvesopposite。Theirluggagehasalreadyarrived。OnMr。Slug’sbedisalongtintubeofaboutthreeinchesindiameter，carefullyclosedatbothends。Whatcanthiscontain？Somepowerfulinstrumentofanewconstruction，doubtless。’
’TENMINUTESPASTNINE。
’Nobodyhasyetarrived，norhasanythingfreshcomeinmywayexceptseveraljointsofbeefandmutton，fromwhichIconcludethatagoodplaindinnerhasbeenprovidedforto—morrow。Thereisasingularsmellbelow，whichgavemesomeuneasinessatfirst；butasthestewardsaysitisalwaysthere，andnevergoesaway，Iamquitecomfortableagain。IlearnfromthismanthatthedifferentsectionswillbedistributedattheBlackBoyandStomach—ache，andtheBoot—jackandCountenance。Ifthisintelligencebetrue（andI
havenoreasontodoubtit），yourreaderswilldrawsuchconclusionsastheirdifferentopinionsmaysuggest。
’Iwritedowntheseremarksastheyoccurtome，orasthefactscometomyknowledge，inorderthatmyfirstimpressionsmaylosenothingoftheiroriginalvividness。Ishalldespatchtheminsmallpacketsasopportunitiesarise。’
’HALFPASTNINE。
’Somedarkobjecthasjustappeareduponthewharf。Ithinkitisatravellingcarriage。’
’AQUARTERTOTEN。
’No，itisn’t。’
’HALF—PASTTEN。
Thepassengersarepouringineveryinstant。Fouromnibusesfullhavejustarriveduponthewharf，andallisbustleandactivity。
Thenoiseandconfusionareverygreat。Clothsarelaidinthecabins，andthestewardisplacingblueplates—fullofknobsofcheeseatequaldistancesdownthecentreofthetables。Hedropsagreatmanyknobs；but，beingusedtoit，picksthemupagainwithgreatdexterity，and，afterwipingthemonhissleeve，throwsthembackintotheplates。Heisayoungmanofexceedinglyprepossessingappearance—eitherdirtyoramulatto，butIthinktheformer。
’Aninterestingoldgentleman，whocametothewharfinanomnibus，hasjustquarrelledviolentlywiththeporters，andisstaggeringtowardsthevesselwithalargetrunkinhisarms。Itrustandhopethathemayreachitinsafety；buttheboardhehastocrossisnarrowandslippery。Wasthatasplash？Graciouspowers!
’Ihavejustreturnedfromthedeck。Thetrunkisstandingupontheextremebrinkofthewharf，buttheoldgentlemanisnowheretobeseen。Thewatchmanisnotsurewhetherhewentdownornot，butpromisestodragforhimthefirstthingto—morrowmorning。Mayhishumaneeffortsprovesuccessful!
’ProfessorNogohasthismomentarrivedwithhisnightcaponunderhishat。Hehasorderedaglassofcoldbrandyandwater，withahardbiscuitandabasin，andhasgonestraighttobed。Whatcanthismean？
’ThethreeotherscientificgentlementowhomIhavealreadyalludedhavecomeonboard，andhavealltriedtheirbeds，withtheexceptionofProfessorWoodensconce，whosleepsinoneofthetopones，andcan’tgetintoit。Mr。Slug，whosleepsintheothertopone，isunabletogetoutofhis，andistohavehissupperhandedupbyaboy。Ihavehadthehonourtointroducemyselftothesegentlemen，andwehaveamicablyarrangedtheorderinwhichweshallretiretorest；whichitisnecessarytoagreeupon，because，althoughthecabinisverycomfortable，thereisnotroomformorethanonegentlemantobeoutofbedatatime，andevenhemusttakehisbootsoffinthepassage。
’AsIanticipated，theknobsofcheesewereprovidedforthepassengers’supper，andarenowincourseofconsumption。YourreaderswillbesurprisedtohearthatProfessorWoodensconcehasabstainedfromcheeseforeightyears，althoughhetakesbutterinconsiderablequantities。ProfessorGrimehavinglostseveralteeth，isunable，Iobserve，toeathiscrustswithoutpreviouslysoakingtheminhisbottledporter。Howinterestingarethesepeculiarities!’
’HALF—PASTELEVEN。
’ProfessorsWoodensconceandGrime，withadegreeofgoodhumourthatdelightsusall，havejustarrangedtotossforabottleofmulledport。Therehasbeensomediscussionwhetherthepaymentshouldbedecidedbythefirsttossorthebestoutofthree。
Eventuallythelattercoursehasbeendeterminedon。DeeplydoI
wishthatbothgentlemencouldwin；butthatbeingimpossible，I
ownthatmypersonalaspirations（Ispeakasanindividual，anddonotcompromiseeitheryouoryourreadersbythisexpressionoffeeling）arewithProfessorWoodensconce。Ihavebackedthatgentlemantotheamountofeighteenpence。’
’TWENTYMINUTESTOTWELVE。
’ProfessorGrimehasinadvertentlytossedhishalf—crownoutofoneofthecabin—windows，andithasbeenarrangedthatthestewardshalltossforhim。Betsareofferedonanysidetoanyamount，buttherearenotakers。
’ProfessorWoodensconcehasjustcalled\"woman；\"butthecoinhavinglodgedinabeam，isalongtimecomingdownagain。Theinterestandsuspenseofthisonemomentarebeyondanythingthatcanbeimagined。’
’TWELVEO’CLOCK。
’Themulledportissmokingonthetablebeforeme，andProfessorGrimehaswon。Tossingisagameofchance；butoneveryground，whetherofpublicorprivatecharacter，intellectualendowments，orscientificattainments，IcannothelpexpressingmyopinionthatProfessorWoodensconceOUGHTtohavecomeoffvictorious。ThereisanexultationaboutProfessorGrimeincompatible，Ifear，withtruegreatness。’
’AQUARTERPASTTWELVE。
’ProfessorGrimecontinuestoexult，andtoboastofhisvictoryinnoverymeasuredterms，observingthathealwaysdoeswin，andthatheknewitwouldbea\"head\"beforehand，withmanyotherremarksofasimilarnature。SurelythisgentlemanisnotsolosttoeveryfeelingofdecencyandproprietyasnottofeelandknowthesuperiorityofProfessorWoodensconce？IsProfessorGrimeinsane？
ordoeshewishtoberemindedinplainlanguageofhistruepositioninsociety，andthepreciselevelofhisacquirementsandabilities？ProfessorGrimewilldowelltolooktothis。’
’ONEO’CLOCK。
’Iamwritinginbed。Thesmallcabinisilluminatedbythefeeblelightofaflickeringlampsuspendedfromtheceiling；ProfessorGrimeislyingontheoppositeshelfonthebroadofhisback，withhismouthwideopen。Thesceneisindescribablysolemn。Theripplingofthetide，thenoiseofthesailors’feetoverhead，thegruffvoicesontheriver，thedogsontheshore，thesnoringofthepassengers，andaconstantcreakingofeveryplankinthevessel，aretheonlysoundsthatmeettheear。Withtheseexceptions，allisprofoundsilence。
’Mycuriosityhasbeenwithinthelastmomentverymuchexcited。
Mr。Slug，wholiesaboveProfessorGrime，hascautiouslywithdrawnthecurtainsofhisberth，and，afterlookinganxiouslyout，asiftosatisfyhimselfthathiscompanionsareasleep，hastakenupthetintubeofwhichIhavebeforespoken，andisregardingitwithgreatinterest。Whatraremechanicalcombinationcanbecontainedinthatmysteriouscase？Itisevidentlyaprofoundsecrettoall。’
’AQUARTERPASTONE。
’ThebehaviourofMr。Sluggrowsmoreandmoremysterious。Hehasunscrewedthetopofthetube，andnowrenewshisobservationsuponhiscompanions，evidentlytomakesurethatheiswhollyunobserved。Heisclearlyontheeveofsomegreatexperiment。
Prayheaventhatitbenotadangerousone；buttheinterestsofsciencemustbepromoted，andIampreparedfortheworst。’
’FIVEMINUTESLATER。
’Hehasproducedalargepairofscissors，anddrawnarollofsomesubstance，notunlikeparchmentinappearance，fromthetincase。
Theexperimentisabouttobegin。Imuststrainmyeyestotheutmost，intheattempttofollowitsminutestoperation。’
’TWENTYMINUTESBEFORETWO。
’Ihaveatlengthbeenenabledtoascertainthatthetintubecontainsafewyardsofsomecelebratedplaster，recommended—asI
discoveronregardingthelabelattentivelythroughmyeye—glass—
asapreservativeagainstsea—sickness。Mr。Slughascutitupintosmallportions，andisnowstickingitoverhimselfineverydirection。’
’THREEO’CLOCK。
’Preciselyaquarterofanhouragoweweighedanchor，andthemachinerywassuddenlyputinmotionwithanoisesoappalling，thatProfessorWoodensconce（whohadascendedtohisberthbymeansofaplatformofcarpet—bagsarrangedbyhimselfongeometricalprincipals）dartedfromhisshelfheadforemost，and，gaininghisfeetwithalltherapidityofextremeterror，ranwildlyintotheladies’cabin，undertheimpressionthatweweresinking，andutteringloudcriesforaid。Iamassuredthatthescenewhichensuedbafflesalldescription。Therewereonehundredandforty—
sevenladiesintheirrespectiveberthsatthetime。
’Mr。Slughasremarked，asanadditionalinstanceoftheextremeingenuityofthesteam—engineasappliedtopurposesofnavigation，thatinwhateverpartofthevesselapassenger’sberthmaybesituated，themachineryalwaysappearstobeexactlyunderhispillow。Heintendsstatingthisverybeautiful，thoughsimplediscovery，totheassociation。’
’HALF—PASTTEN。
’Wearestillinsmoothwater；thatistosay，inassmoothwaterasasteam—vesselevercanbe，for，asProfessorWoodensconce（whohasjustwokeup）learnedlyremarks，anothergreatpointofingenuityaboutasteameris，thatitalwayscarriesalittlestormwithit。Youcanscarcelyconceivehowexcitingthejerkingpulsationoftheshipbecomes。Itisamatterofpositivedifficultytogettosleep。’
’FRIDAYAFTERNOON，SIXO’CLOCK。
’IregrettoinformyouthatMr。Slug’splasterhasprovedofnoavail。Heisingreatagony，buthasappliedseverallarge，additionalpiecesnotwithstanding。Howaffectingisthisextremedevotiontoscienceandpursuitofknowledgeunderthemosttryingcircumstances!
’Wewereextremelyhappythismorning，andthebreakfastwasoneofthemostanimateddescription。Nothingunpleasantoccurreduntilnoon，withtheexceptionofDoctorFoxey’sbrownsilkumbrellaandwhitehatbecomingentangledinthemachinerywhilehewasexplainingtoaknotofladiestheconstructionofthesteam—
engine。Ifearthegravysoupforlunchwasinjudicious。Welostagreatmanypassengersalmostimmediatelyafterwards。’
’HALF—PASTSIX。
’Iamagaininbed。Anythingsoheart—rendingasMr。Slug’ssufferingsithasneveryetbeenmylottowitness。’
’SEVENO’CLOCK。
’Amessengerhasjustcomedownforacleanpocket—handkerchieffromProfessorWoodensconce’sbag，thatunfortunategentlemanbeingquiteunabletoleavethedeck，andimploringconstantlytobethrownoverboard。FromthismanIunderstandthatProfessorNogo，thoughinastateofutterexhaustion，clingsfeeblytothehardbiscuitandcoldbrandyandwater，undertheimpressionthattheywillyetrestorehim。Suchisthetriumphofmindovermatter。
’ProfessorGrimeisinbed，toallappearancequitewell；butheWILLeat，anditisdisagreeabletoseehim。Hasthisgentlemannosympathywiththesufferingsofhisfellow—creatures？Ifhehas，onwhatprinciplecanhecallformutton—chops—andsmile？’
’BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH—ACHE，OLDCASTLE，SATURDAYNOON。
’YouwillbehappytolearnthatIhaveatlengtharrivedhereinsafety。Thetownisexcessivelycrowded，andalltheprivatelodgingsandhotelsarefilledwithSAVANSofbothsexes。Thetremendousassemblageofintellectthatoneencountersineverystreetisinthelastdegreeoverwhelming。
’Notwithstandingthethrongofpeoplehere，Ihavebeenfortunateenoughtomeetwithverycomfortableaccommodationonveryreasonableterms，havingsecuredasofainthefirst—floorpassageatoneguineapernight，whichincludespermissiontotakemymealsinthebar，onconditionthatIwalkaboutthestreetsatallothertimes，tomakeroomforothergentlemensimilarlysituated。Ihavebeenovertheouthousesintendedtobedevotedtothereceptionofthevarioussections，bothhereandattheBoot—jackandCountenance，andammuchdelightedwiththearrangements。Nothingcanexceedthefreshappearanceofthesaw—dustwithwhichthefloorsaresprinkled。Theformsareofunplaneddeal，andthegeneraleffect，asyoucanwellimagine，isextremelybeautiful。’
’HALF—PASTNINE。
’Thenumberandrapidityofthearrivalsarequitebewildering。
Withinthelasttenminutesastage—coachhasdrivenuptothedoor，filledinsideandoutwithdistinguishedcharacters，comprisingMr。Muddlebranes，Mr。Drawley，ProfessorMuff，Mr。X。
Misty，Mr。X。X。Misty，Mr。Purblind，ProfessorRummun，TheHonourableandReverendMr。LongEers，ProfessorJohnKetch，SirWilliamJoltered，DoctorBuffer，Mr。Smith（ofLondon），Mr。Brown（ofEdinburgh），SirHookhamSnivey，andProfessorPumpkinskull。
Thetenlast—namedgentlemenwerewetthrough，andlookedextremelyintelligent。’
’SUNDAY，TWOO’CLOCK，P。M。
’TheHonourableandReverendMr。LongEers，accompaniedbySirWilliamJoltered，walkedanddrovethismorning。Theyaccomplishedtheformerfeatinboots，andthelatterinahiredfly。Thishasnaturallygivenrisetomuchdiscussion。
’IhavejustlearntthataninterviewhastakenplaceattheBoot—
jackandCountenancebetweenSowster，theactiveandintelligentbeadleofthisplace，andProfessorPumpkinskull，who，asyourreadersaredoubtlessaware，isaninfluentialmemberofthecouncil。IforbeartocommunicateanyoftherumourstowhichthisveryextraordinaryproceedinghasgivenriseuntilIhaveseenSowster，andendeavouredtoascertainthetruthfromhim。’
’HALF—PASTSIX。
’Iengagedadonkey—chaiseshortlyafterwritingtheabove，andproceededatabrisktrotinthedirectionofSowster’sresidence，passingthroughabeautifulexpanseofcountry，withredbrickbuildingsoneitherside，andstoppinginthemarketplacetoobservethespotwhereMr。Kwakley’shatwasblownoffyesterday。
Itisanunevenpieceofpaving，buthascertainlynoappearancewhichwouldleadonetosupposethatanysucheventhadrecentlyoccurredthere。FromthispointIproceeded—passingthegas—
worksandtallow—melter’s—toalanewhichhadbeenpointedouttomeasthebeadle’splaceofresidence；andbeforeIhaddrivenadozenyardsfurther，IhadthegoodfortunetomeetSowsterhimselfadvancingtowardsme。
’Sowsterisafatman，withamoreenlargeddevelopmentofthatpeculiarconformationofcountenancewhichisvulgarlytermedadoublechinthanIremembertohaveeverseenbefore。Hehasalsoaveryrednose，whichheattributestoahabitofearlyrising—
sored，indeed，thatbutforthisexplanationIshouldhavesupposedittoproceedfromoccasionalinebriety。HeinformedmethathedidnotfeelhimselfatlibertytorelatewhathadpassedbetweenhimselfandProfessorPumpkinskull，buthadnoobjectiontostatethatitwasconnectedwithamatterofpoliceregulation，andaddedwithpeculiarsignificance\"Neverwossitchtimes!\"
’Youwilleasilybelievethatthisintelligencegavemeconsiderablesurprise，notwhollyunmixedwithanxiety，andthatI
lostnotimeinwaitingonProfessorPumpkinskull，andstatingtheobjectofmyvisit。Afterafewmoments’reflection，theProfessor，who，Iamboundtosay，behavedwiththeutmostpoliteness，openlyavowed（Imarkthepassageinitalics）THATHE
HADREQUESTEDSOWSTERTOATTENDONTHEMONDAYMORNINGATTHEBOOT—
JACKANDCOUNTENANCE，TOKEEPOFFTHEBOYS；ANDTHATHEHADFURTHER
DESIREDTHATTHEUNDER—BEADLEMIGHTBESTATIONED，WITHTHESAME
OBJECT，ATTHEBLACKBOYANDSTOMACH—ACHE!
’NowIleavethisunconstitutionalproceedingtoyourcommentsandtheconsiderationofyourreaders。Ihaveyettolearnthatabeadle，withouttheprecinctsofachurch，churchyard，orwork—
house，andactingotherwisethanundertheexpressordersofchurchwardensandoverseersincouncilassembled，toenforcethelawagainstpeoplewhocomeupontheparish，andotheroffenders，hasanylawfulauthoritywhateverovertherisingyouthofthiscountry。IhaveyettolearnthatabeadlecanbecalledoutbyanyciviliantoexerciseadominationanddespotismovertheboysofBritain。Ihaveyettolearnthatabeadlewillbepermittedbythecommissionersofpoorlawregulationtowearoutthesolesandheelsofhisbootsinillegalinterferencewiththelibertiesofpeoplenotprovedpoororotherwisecriminal。IhaveyettolearnthatabeadlehaspowertostopuptheQueen’shighwayathiswillandpleasure，orthatthewholewidthofthestreetisnotfreeandopentoanyman，boy，orwomaninexistence，uptotheverywallsofthehouses—ay，betheyBlackBoysandStomach—aches，orBoot—
jacksandCountenances，Icarenot。’
’NINEO’CLOCK。
’IhaveprocuredalocalartisttomakeafaithfulsketchofthetyrantSowster，which，ashehasacquiredthisinfamouscelebrity，youwillnodoubtwishtohaveengravedforthepurposeofpresentingacopywitheverycopyofyournextnumber。Iencloseit。
[Picturewhichcannotbereproduced]
Theunder—beadlehasconsentedtowritehislife，butitistobestrictlyanonymous。
’Theaccompanyinglikenessisofcoursefromthelife，andcompleteineveryrespect。EvenifIhadbeentotallyignorantoftheman’srealcharacter，andithadbeenplacedbeforemewithoutremark，I
shouldhaveshudderedinvoluntarily。Thereisanintensemalignityofexpressioninthefeatures，andabalefulferocityofpurposeintheruffian’seye，whichappalsandsickens。Hiswholeairisrampantwithcruelty，noristhestomachlesscharacteristicofhisdemoniacpropensities。’
’MONDAY。
’Thegreatdayhasatlengtharrived。Ihaveneithereyes，norears，norpens，norink，norpaper，foranythingbutthewonderfulproceedingsthathaveastoundedmysenses。Letmecollectmyenergiesandproceedtotheaccount。
’SECTIONA。—ZOOLOGYANDBOTANY。
FRONTPARLOUR，BLACKBOYANDSTOMACH—ACHE。
PRESIDENT—SirWilliamJoltered。VICE—PRESIDENTS—Mr。
MuddlebranesandMr。Drawley。
’MR。X。X。MISTYcommunicatedsomeremarksonthedisappearanceofdancing—bearsfromthestreetsofLondon，withobservationsontheexhibitionofmonkeysasconnectedwithbarrel—organs。Thewriterhadobserved，withfeelingsoftheutmostpainandregret，thatsomeyearsagoasuddenandunaccountablechangeinthepublictastetookplacewithreferencetoitinerantbears，who，beingdiscountenancedbythepopulace，graduallyfelloffonebyonefromthestreetsofthemetropolis，untilnotoneremainedtocreateatastefornaturalhistoryinthebreastsofthepooranduninstructed。Onebear，indeed，—abrownandraggedanimal，—hadlingeredaboutthehauntsofhisformertriumphs，withawornanddejectedvisageandfeeblelimbs，andhadessayedtowieldhisquarter—stafffortheamusementofthemultitude；buthunger，andanutterwantofanyduerecompenseforhisabilities，hadatlengthdrivenhimfromthefield，anditwasonlytooprobablethathehadfallenasacrificetotherisingtasteforgrease。Heregrettedtoaddthatasimilar，andnolesslamentable，changehadtakenplacewithreferencetomonkeys。Thesedelightfulanimalshadformerlybeenalmostasplentifulastheorgansonthetopsofwhichtheywereaccustomedtosit；theproportionintheyear1829
（itappearedbytheparliamentaryreturn）beingasonemonkeytothreeorgans。Owing，however，toanalteredtasteinmusicalinstruments，andthesubstitution，inagreatmeasure，ofnarrowboxesofmusicfororgans，whichleftthemonkeysnothingtositupon，thissourceofpublicamusementwaswhollydriedup。
Consideringitamatterofthedeepestimportance，inconnectionwithnationaleducation，thatthepeopleshouldnotlosesuchopportunitiesofmakingthemselvesacquaintedwiththemannersandcustomsoftwomostinterestingspeciesofanimals，theauthorsubmittedthatsomemeasuresshouldbeimmediatelytakenfortherestorationofthesepleasingandtrulyintellectualamusements。
’THEPRESIDENTinquiredbywhatmeansthehonourablememberproposedtoattainthismostdesirableend？
’THEAUTHORsubmittedthatitcouldbemostfullyandsatisfactorilyaccomplished，ifHerMajesty’sGovernmentwouldcausetobebroughtovertoEngland，andmaintainedatthepublicexpense，andforthepublicamusement，suchanumberofbearsaswouldenableeveryquarterofthetowntobevisited—sayatleastbythreebearsaweek。Nodifficultywhateverneedbeexperiencedinprovidingafittingplaceforthereceptionoftheseanimals，asacommodiousbear—gardencouldbeerectedintheimmediateneighbourhoodofbothHousesofParliament；obviouslythemostproperandeligiblespotforsuchanestablishment。
’PROFESSORMULLdoubtedverymuchwhetheranycorrectideasofnaturalhistorywerepropagatedbythemeanstowhichthehonourablememberhadsoablyadverted。Onthecontrary，hebelievedthattheyhadbeenthemeansofdiffusingveryincorrectandimperfectnotionsonthesubject。Hespokefrompersonalobservationandpersonalexperience，whenhesaidthatmanychildrenofgreatabilitieshadbeeninducedtobelieve，fromwhattheyhadobservedinthestreets，atandbeforetheperiodtowhichthehonourablegentlemanhadreferred，thatallmonkeyswereborninredcoatsandspangles，andthattheirhatsandfeathersalsocamebynature。Hewishedtoknowdistinctlywhetherthehonourablegentlemanattributedthewantofencouragementthebearshadmetwithtothedeclineofpublictasteinthatrespect，ortoawantofabilityonthepartofthebearsthemselves？
’MR。X。X。MISTYreplied，thathecouldnotbringhimselftobelievebutthattheremustbeagreatdealoffloatingtalentamongthebearsandmonkeysgenerally；which，intheabsenceofanyproperencouragement，wasdispersedinotherdirections。
’PROFESSORPUMPKINSKULLwishedtotakethatopportunityofcallingtheattentionofthesectiontoamostimportantandseriouspoint。
Theauthorofthetreatisejustreadhadalludedtotheprevalenttasteforbears’—greaseasameansofpromotingthegrowthofhair，whichundoubtedlywasdiffusedtoaverygreatand（asitappearedtohim）veryalarmingextent。Nogentlemanattendingthatsectioncouldfailtobeawareofthefactthattheyouthofthepresentageevinced，bytheirbehaviourinthestreets，andatallplacesofpublicresort，aconsiderablelackofthatgallantryandgentlemanlyfeelingwhich，inmoreignoranttimes，hadbeenthoughtbecoming。Hewishedtoknowwhetheritwerepossiblethataconstantoutwardapplicationofbears’—greasebytheyounggentlemenabouttownhadimperceptiblyinfusedintothoseunhappypersonssomethingofthenatureandqualityofthebear。Heshudderedashethrewouttheremark；butifthistheory，oninquiry，shouldprovetobewellfounded，itwouldatonceexplainagreatdealofunpleasanteccentricityofbehaviour，which，withoutsomesuchdiscovery，waswhollyunaccountable。
’THEPRESIDENThighlycomplimentedthelearnedgentlemanonhismostvaluablesuggestion，whichproducedthegreatesteffectupontheassembly；andremarkedthatonlyaweekprevioushehadseensomeyounggentlemenatatheatreeyeingaboxofladieswithafierceintensity，whichnothingbuttheinfluenceofsomebrutishappetitecouldpossiblyexplain。Itwasdreadfultoreflectthatouryouthweresorapidlyvergingintoagenerationofbears。
’Afterasceneofscientificenthusiasmitwasresolvedthatthisimportantquestionshouldbeimmediatelysubmittedtotheconsiderationofthecouncil。
’THEPRESIDENTwishedtoknowwhetheranygentlemancouldinformthesectionwhathadbecomeofthedancing—dogs？
’AMEMBERreplied，aftersomehesitation，thatonthedayafterthreeglee—singershadbeencommittedtoprisonascriminalsbyalatemostzealouspolice—magistrateofthemetropolis，thedogshadabandonedtheirprofessionalduties，anddispersedthemselvesindifferentquartersofthetowntogainalivelihoodbylessdangerousmeans。Hewasgiventounderstandthatsincethatperiodtheyhadsupportedthemselvesbylyinginwaitforandrobbingblindmen’spoodles。
’MR。FLUMMERYexhibitedatwig，claimingtobeaveritablebranchofthatnobletreeknowntonaturalistsastheSHAKSPEARE，whichhastakenrootineverylandandclimate，andgatheredundertheshadeofitsbroadgreenboughsthegreatfamilyofmankind。Thelearnedgentlemanremarkedthatthetwighadbeenundoubtedlycalledbyothernamesinitstime；butthatithadbeenpointedouttohimbyanoldladyinWarwickshire，wherethegreattreehadgrown，asashootofthegenuineSHAKSPEARE，bywhichnamehebeggedtointroduceittohiscountrymen。
’THEPRESIDENTwishedtoknowwhatbotanicaldefinitionthehonourablegentlemancouldaffordofthecuriosity。
’MR。FLUMMERYexpressedhisopinionthatitwasADECIDEDPLANT。
’SECTIONB。—DISPLAYOFMODELSANDMECHANICALSCIENCE。
LARGEROOM，BOOT—JACKANDCOUNTENANCE。
PRESIDENT—Mr。Mallett。VICE—PRESIDENTS—Messrs。LeaverandScroo。
’MR。CRINKLESexhibitedamostbeautifulanddelicatemachine，oflittlelargersizethananordinarysnuff—box，manufacturedentirelybyhimself，andcomposedexclusivelyofsteel，bytheaidofwhichmorepocketscouldbepickedinonehourthanbythepresentslowandtediousprocessinfour—and—twenty。TheinventorremarkedthatithadbeenputintoactiveoperationinFleetStreet，theStrand，andotherthoroughfares，andhadneverbeenonceknowntofail。
’Aftersomeslightdelay，occasionedbythevariousmembersofthesectionbuttoningtheirpockets，’THEPRESIDENTnarrowlyinspectedtheinvention，anddeclaredthathehadneverseenamachineofmorebeautifulorexquisiteconstruction。Wouldtheinventorbegoodenoughtoinformthesectionwhetherhehadtakenanyandwhatmeansforbringingitintogeneraloperation？
’MR。CRINKLESstatedthat，afterencounteringsomepreliminarydifficulties，hehadsucceededinputtinghimselfincommunicationwithMr。FogleHunter，andothergentlemenconnectedwiththeswellmob，whohadawardedtheinventiontheveryhighestandmostunqualifiedapprobation。Heregrettedtosay，however，thatthesedistinguishedpractitioners，incommonwithagentlemanofthenameofGimlet—eyedTommy，andothermembersofasecondarygradeoftheprofessionwhomhewasunderstoodtorepresent，entertainedaninsuperableobjectiontoitsbeingbroughtintogeneraluse，onthegroundthatitwouldhavetheinevitableeffectofalmostentirelysupersedingmanuallabour，andthrowingagreatnumberofhighly—
deservingpersonsoutofemployment。
’THEPRESIDENThopedthatnosuchfancifulobjectionswouldbeallowedtostandinthewayofsuchagreatpublicimprovement。
’MR。CRINKLEShopedsotoo；buthefearedthatifthegentlemenoftheswellmobperseveredintheirobjection，nothingcouldbedone。
’PROFESSORGRIMEsuggested，thatsurely，inthatcase，HerMajesty’sGovernmentmightbeprevailedupontotakeitup。
’MR。CRINKLESsaid，thatiftheobjectionwerefoundtobeinsuperableheshouldapplytoParliament，whichhethoughtcouldnotfailtorecognisetheutilityoftheinvention。
’THEPRESIDENTobservedthat，uptothistimeParliamenthadcertainlygotonverywellwithoutit；but，astheydidtheirbusinessonaverylargescale，hehadnodoubttheywouldgladlyadopttheimprovement。Hisonlyfearwasthatthemachinemightbewornoutbyconstantworking。
’MR。COPPERNOSEcalledtheattentionofthesectiontoapropositionofgreatmagnitudeandinterest，illustratedbyavastnumberofmodels，andstatedwithmuchclearnessandperspicuityinatreatiseentitled\"PracticalSuggestionsonthenecessityofprovidingsomeharmlessandwholesomerelaxationfortheyoungnoblemenofEngland。\"Hispropositionwas，thataspaceofgroundofnotlessthantenmilesinlengthandfourinbreadthshouldbepurchasedbyanewcompany，tobeincorporatedbyActofParliament，andinclosedbyabrickwallofnotlessthantwelvefeetinheight。Heproposedthatitshouldbelaidoutwithhighwayroads，turnpikes，bridges，miniaturevillages，andeveryobjectthatcouldconducetothecomfortandgloryofFour—in—handClubs，sothattheymightbefairlypresumedtorequirenodrivebeyondit。Thisdelightfulretreatwouldbefittedupwithmostcommodiousandextensivestables，fortheconvenienceofsuchofthenobilityandgentryashadatasteforostlering，andwithhousesofentertainmentfurnishedinthemostexpensiveandhandsomestyle。Itwouldbefurtherprovidedwithwholestreetsofdoor—knockersandbell—handlesofextrasize，soconstructedthattheycouldbeeasilywrenchedoffatnight，andregularlyscrewedonagain，byattendantsprovidedforthepurpose，everyday。Therewouldalsobegaslampsofrealglass，whichcouldbebrokenatacomparativelysmallexpenseperdozen，andabroadandhandsomefootpavementforgentlementodrivetheircabrioletsuponwhentheywerehumorouslydisposed—forthefullenjoymentofwhichfeatlivepedestrianswouldbeprocuredfromtheworkhouseataverysmallchargeperhead。Theplacebeinginclosed，andcarefullyscreenedfromtheintrusionofthepublic，therewouldbenoobjectiontogentlemenlayingasideanyarticleoftheircostumethatwasconsideredtointerferewithapleasantfrolic，or，indeed，totheirwalkingaboutwithoutanycostumeatall，iftheylikedthatbetter。Inshort，everyfacilityofenjoymentwouldbeaffordedthatthemostgentlemanlypersoncouldpossiblydesire。
Butaseventheseadvantageswouldbeincompleteunlessthereweresomemeansprovidedofenablingthenobilityandgentrytodisplaytheirprowesswhentheysalliedforthafterdinner，andassomeinconveniencemightbeexperiencedintheeventoftheirbeingreducedtothenecessityofpummellingeachother，theinventorhadturnedhisattentiontotheconstructionofanentirelynewpoliceforce，composedexclusivelyofautomatonfigures，which，withtheassistanceoftheingeniousSignorGagliardi，ofWindmill—street，intheHaymarket，hehadsucceededinmakingwithsuchnicety，thatapoliceman，cab—driver，oroldwoman，madeupontheprincipleofthemodelsexhibited，wouldwalkaboutuntilknockeddownlikeanyrealman；nay，more，ifsetuponandbeatenbysixoreightnoblemenorgentlemen，afteritwasdown，thefigurewouldutterdiversgroans，mingledwithentreatiesformercy，thusrenderingtheillusioncomplete，andtheenjoymentperfect。Buttheinventiondidnotstopevenhere；forstation—houseswouldbebuilt，containinggoodbedsfornoblemenandgentlemenduringthenight，andinthemorningtheywouldrepairtoacommodiouspoliceoffice，whereapantomimicinvestigationwouldtakeplacebeforetheautomatonmagistrates，—quiteequaltolife，—whowouldfinetheminsomanycounters，withwhichtheywouldbepreviouslyprovidedforthepurpose。Thisofficewouldbefurnishedwithaninclinedplane，fortheconvenienceofanynoblemanorgentlemanwhomightwishtobringinhishorseasawitness；andtheprisonerswouldbeatperfectliberty，astheywerenow，tointerruptthecomplainantsasmuchastheypleased，andtomakeanyremarksthattheythoughtproper。Thechargefortheseamusementswouldamounttoverylittlemorethantheyalreadycost，andtheinventorsubmittedthatthepublicwouldbemuchbenefitedandcomfortedbytheproposedarrangement。
’PROFESSORNOGOwishedtobeinformedwhatamountofautomatonpoliceforceitwasproposedtoraiseinthefirstinstance。
’MR。COPPERNOSEreplied，thatitwasproposedtobeginwithsevendivisionsofpoliceofascoreeach，letteredfromAtoG
inclusive。Itwasproposedthatnotmorethanhalfthisnumbershouldbeplacedonactiveduty，andthattheremaindershouldbekeptonshelvesinthepoliceofficereadytobecalledoutatamoment’snotice。
’THEPRESIDENT，awardingtheutmostmerittotheingeniousgentlemanwhohadoriginatedtheidea，doubtedwhethertheautomatonpolicewouldquiteanswerthepurpose。Hefearedthatnoblemenandgentlemenwouldperhapsrequiretheexcitementofthrashinglivingsubjects。
’MR。COPPERNOSEsubmitted，thatastheusualoddsinsuchcasesweretennoblemenorgentlementoonepolicemanorcab—driver，itcouldmakeverylittledifferenceinpointofexcitementwhetherthepolicemanorcab—driverwereamanorablock。Thegreatadvantagewouldbe，thatapoliceman’slimbsmightbeallknockedoff，andyethewouldbeinaconditiontododutynextday。Hemightevengivehisevidencenextmorningwithhisheadinhishand，andgiveitequallywell。
’PROFESSORMUFF。—Willyouallowmetoaskyou，sir，ofwhatmaterialsitisintendedthatthemagistrates’headsshallbecomposed？
’MR。COPPERNOSE。—Themagistrateswillhavewoodenheadsofcourse，andtheywillbemadeofthetoughestandthickestmaterialsthatcanpossiblybeobtained。
’PROFESSORMUFF。—Iamquitesatisfied。Thisisagreatinvention。
’PROFESSORNOGO。—Iseebutoneobjectiontoit。Itappearstomethatthemagistratesoughttotalk。
’MR。COPPERNOSEnosoonerheardthissuggestionthanhetouchedasmallspringineachofthetwomodelsofmagistrateswhichwereplaceduponthetable；oneofthefiguresimmediatelybegantoexclaimwithgreatvolubilitythathewassorrytoseegentlemeninsuchasituation，andtheothertoexpressafearthatthepolicemanwasintoxicated。
’Thesection，aswithoneaccord，declaredwithashoutofapplausethattheinventionwascomplete；andthePresident，muchexcited，retiredwithMr。Coppernosetolayitbeforethecouncil。Onhisreturn，’MR。TICKLEdisplayedhisnewly—inventedspectacles，whichenabledthewearertodiscern，inverybrightcolours，objectsatagreatdistance，andrenderedhimwhollyblindtothoseimmediatelybeforehim。Itwas，hesaid，amostvaluableandusefulinvention，basedstrictlyupontheprincipleofthehumaneye。
’THEPRESIDENTrequiredsomeinformationuponthispoint。Hehadyettolearnthatthehumaneyewasremarkableforthepeculiaritiesofwhichthehonourablegentlemanhadspoken。
’MR。TICKLEwasratherastonishedtohearthis，whenthePresidentcouldnotfailtobeawarethatalargenumberofmostexcellentpersonsandgreatstatesmencouldsee，withthenakedeye，mostmarvelloushorrorsonWestIndiaplantations，whiletheycoulddiscernnothingwhateverintheinteriorofManchestercottonmills。Hemustknow，too，withwhatquicknessofperceptionmostpeoplecoulddiscovertheirneighbour’sfaults，andhowveryblindtheyweretotheirown。IfthePresidentdifferedfromthegreatmajorityofmeninthisrespect，hiseyewasadefectiveone，anditwastoassisthisvisionthattheseglassesweremade。
’MR。BLANKexhibitedamodelofafashionableannual，composedofcopper—plates，goldleaf，andsilkboards，andworkedentirelybymilkandwater。
’MR。PROSEE，afterexaminingthemachine，declaredittobesoingeniouslycomposed，thathewaswhollyunabletodiscoverhowitwentonatall。
’MR。BLANK。—Nobodycan，andthatisthebeautyofit。
