第1章

CHAPTERI——HISLEAVINGITTILLCALLEDFOR ThewriterofthesehumblelinesbeingaWaiter，andhavingcomeofafamilyofWaiters，andowningatthepresenttimefivebrotherswhoareallWaiters，andlikewiseanonlysisterwhoisaWaitress，wouldwishtoofferafewwordsrespectinghiscalling；firsthavingthepleasureofherebyinafriendlymannerofferingtheDedicationofthesameuntoJOSEPH，muchrespectedHeadWaiterattheSlamjamCoffee-house，London，E。C。，thanwhichaindividualmoreeminentlydeservingofthenameofman，oramoreamenablehonourtohisownheadandheart，whetherconsideredinthelightofaWaiterorregardedasahumanbeing，donotexist。 Incaseconfusionshouldariseinthepublicmind（whichitisopentoconfusiononmanysubjects）respectingwhatismeantorimpliedbythetermWaiter，thepresenthumblelineswouldwishtoofferanexplanation。ItmaynotbegenerallyknownthatthepersonasgoesouttowaitisNOTaWaiter。Itmaynotbegenerallyknownthatthehandasiscalledinextra，attheFreemasons’Tavern，ortheLondon，ortheAlbion，orotherwise，isNOTaWaiter。SuchhandsmaybetookonforPublicDinnersbythebushel（andyoumayknowthembytheirbreathingwithdifficultywheninattendance，andtakingawaythebottleereyetitishalfout）；butsuchareNOT Waiters。Foryoucannotlaydownthetailoring，ortheshoemaking，orthebrokering，orthegreen-grocering，orthepictorial- periodicalling，orthesecond-handwardrobe，orthesmallfancybusinesses，——youcannotlaydownthoselinesoflifeatyourwillandpleasurebythehalf-dayorevening，andtakeupWaitering。Youmaysupposeyoucan，butyoucannot；oryoumaygosofarastosayyoudo，butyoudonot。Noryetcanyoulaydownthegentleman’s- servicewhenstimulatedbyprolongedincompatibilityonthepartofCooks（andhereitmayberemarkedthatCookingandIncompatibilitywillbemostlyfoundunited），andtakeupWaitering。Ithasbeenascertainedthatwhatagentlemanwillsitmeekunder，athome，hewillnotbearoutofdoors，attheSlamjamoranysimilarestablishment。Then，whatistheinferencetobedrawnrespectingtrueWaitering？Youmustbebredtoit。Youmustbeborntoit。 Wouldyouknowhowborntoit，FairReader，——ifoftheadorablefemalesex？ThenlearnfromthebiographicalexperienceofonethatisaWaiterinthesixty-firstyearofhisage。 Youwereconveyed，——ereyetyourdawningpowerswereotherwisedevelopedthantoharbourvacancyinyourinside，——youwereconveyed，bysurreptitiousmeans，intoapantryadjoiningtheAdmiralNelson，CivicandGeneralDining-Rooms，theretoreceivebystealththathealthfulsustenancewhichistheprideandboastoftheBritishfemaleconstitution。Yourmotherwasmarriedtoyourfather（himselfadistantWaiter）intheprofoundestsecrecy；foraWaitressknowntobemarriedwouldruinthebestofbusinesses，——itisthesameasonthestage。Henceyourbeingsmuggledintothepantry，andthat——toaddtotheinfliction——byanunwillinggrandmother。Underthecombinedinfluenceofthesmellsofroastandboiled，andsoup，andgas，andmaltliquors，youpartookofyourearliestnourishment；yourunwillinggrandmothersittingpreparedtocatchyouwhenyourmotherwascalledanddroppedyou；yourgrandmother’sshawleverreadytostifleyournaturalcomplainings； yourinnocentmindsurroundedbyuncongenialcruets，dirtyplates，dish-covers，andcoldgravy；yourmothercallingdownthepipeforvealsandporks，insteadofsoothingyouwithnurseryrhymes。Undertheseuntowardcircumstancesyouwereearlyweaned。Yourunwillinggrandmother，evergrowingmoreunwillingasyourfoodassimilatedless，thencontractedhabitsofshakingyoutillyoursystemcurdled，andyourfoodwouldnotassimilateatall。Atlengthshewasnolongerspared，andcouldhavebeenthankfullysparedmuchsooner。Whenyourbrothersbegantoappearinsuccession，yourmotherretired，leftoffhersmartdressing（shehadpreviouslybeenasmartdresser），andherdarkringlets（whichhadpreviouslybeenflowing），andhauntedyourfatherlateofnights，lyinginwaitforhim，throughallweathers，uptheshabbycourtwhichledtothebackdooroftheRoyalOldDust-Bin（saidtohavebeensonamedbyGeorgetheFourth），whereyourfatherwasHead。ButtheDust-Binwasgoingdownthen，andyourfathertookbutlittle，——exceptingfromaliquidpointofview。Yourmother’sobjectinthosevisitswasofahouse- keepingcharacter，andyouwassetontowhistleyourfatherout。 Sometimeshecameout，butgenerallynot。Comeornotcome，however，allthatpartofhisexistencewhichwasunconnectedwithopenWaiteringwaskeptaclosesecret，andwasacknowledgedbyyourmothertobeaclosesecret，andyouandyourmotherflittedaboutthecourt，closesecretsbothofyou，andwouldscarcelyhaveconfessedundertorturethatyouknowyourfather，orthatyourfatherhadanynamethanDick（whichwasn’thisname，thoughhewasneverknownbyanyother），orthathehadkithorkinorchickorchild。Perhapstheattractionofthismystery，combinedwithyourfather’shavingadampcompartment，tohimself，behindaleakycistern，attheDust-Bin，——asortofacellarcompartment，withasinkinit，andasmell，andaplate-rack，andabottle-rack，andthreewindowsthatdidn’tmatcheachotheroranythingelse，andnodaylight，——causedyouryoungmindtofeelconvincedthatyoumustgrowuptobeaWaitertoo；butyoudidfeelconvincedofit，andsodidallyourbrothers，downtoyoursister。EveryoneofyoufeltconvincedthatyouwasborntotheWaitering。Atthisstageofyourcareer，whatwasyourfeelingsonedaywhenyourfathercamehometoyourmotherinopenbroaddaylight，——ofitselfanactofMadnessonthepartofaWaiter，——andtooktohisbed（leastwise，yourmotherandfamily’sbed），withthestatementthathiseyesweredevilledkidneys。Physiciansbeinginvain，yourfatherexpired，afterrepeatingatintervalsforadayandanight，whengleamsofreasonandoldbusinessfitfullyilluminatedhisbeing，\"Twoandtwoisfive。Andthreeissixpence。\"Interredintheparochialdepartmentoftheneighbouringchurchyard，andaccompaniedtothegravebyasmanyWaitersoflongstandingascouldsparethemorningtimefromtheirsoiledglasses（namely，one），yourbereavedformwasattiredinawhiteneckankecher，andyouwastookonfrommotivesofbenevolenceatTheGeorgeandGridiron，theatricalandsupper。 Here，supportingnatureonwhatyoufoundintheplates（whichwasasithappened，andbuttoooftenthoughtlessly，immersedinmustard），andonwhatyoufoundintheglasses（whichrarelywentbeyonddribletsandlemon），bynightyoudroppedasleepstanding，tillyouwascuffedawake，andbydaywassettopolishingeveryindividualarticleinthecoffee-room。Yourcouchbeingsawdust； yourcounterpanebeingashesofcigars。Here，frequentlyhidingaheavyheartunderthesmarttieofyourwhiteneckankecher（orcorrectlyspeakinglowerdownandmoretotheleft），youpickeduptherudimentsofknowledgefromanextra，bythenameofBishops，andbycallingplate-washer，andgraduallyelevatingyourmindwithchalkonthebackofthecorner-boxpartition，untilsuchtimeasyouusedtheinkstandwhenitwasoutofhand，attainedtomanhood，andtobetheWaiterthatyoufindyourself。 Icouldwishheretoofferafewrespectfulwordsonbehalfofthecallingsolongthecallingofmyselfandfamily，andthepublicinterestinwhichisbuttoooftenverylimited。Wearenotgenerallyunderstood。No，wearenot。Allowanceenoughisnotmadeforus。For，saythatweevershowalittledroopinglistlessnessofspirits，orwhatmightbetermedindifferenceorapathy。Putittoyourselfwhatwouldyourownstateofmindbe，ifyouwasoneofanenormousfamilyeverymemberofwhichexceptyouwasalwaysgreedy，andinahurry。Putittoyourselfthatyouwasregularlyrepletewithanimalfoodattheslackhoursofoneinthedayandagainatninep。m。，andthattherepleteryouwas，themorevoraciousallyourfellow-creaturescamein。Putittoyourselfthatitwasyourbusiness，whenyourdigestionwaswellon，totakeapersonalinterestandsympathyinahundredgentlemenfreshandfresh（say，forthesakeofargument，onlyahundred），whoseimaginationswasgivenuptogreaseandfatandgravyandmeltedbutter，andabandonedtoquestioningyouaboutcutsofthis，anddishesofthat，——eachof’emgoingonasifhimandyouandthebilloffarewasaloneintheworld。Thenlookwhatyouareexpectedtoknow。Youareneverout，buttheyseemtothinkyouregularlyattendeverywhere。\"What’sthis，Christopher，thatIhearaboutthesmashedExcursionTrain？HowaretheydoingattheItalianOpera，Christopher？\"\"Christopher，whataretherealparticularsofthisbusinessattheYorkshireBank？\"SimilarlyaministrygivesmemoretroublethanitgivestheQueen。AstoLordPalmerston，theconstantandwearingconnectionintowhichIhavebeenbroughtwithhislordshipduringthelastfewyearsisdeservingofapension。 ThenlookattheHypocriteswearemade，andthelies（white，I hope）thatareforceduponus！Whymustasedentary-pursuitedWaiterbeconsideredtobeajudgeofhorseflesh，andtohaveamosttremendousinterestinhorse-trainingandracing？Yetitwouldbehalfourlittleincomesoutofourpocketsifwedidn’ttakeontohavethosesportingtastes。Itisthesame（inconceivablewhy！） withFarming。Shooting，equallyso。IamsurethatsoregularasthemonthsofAugust，September，andOctobercomeround，IamashamedofmyselfinmyownprivatebosomforthewayinwhichI makebelievetocarewhetherornotthegrouseisstrongonthewing（muchtheirwings，ordrumstickseither，signifiestome，uncooked！），andwhetherthepartridgesisplentifulamongtheturnips，andwhetherthepheasantsisshyorbold，oranythingelseyoupleasetomention。Yetyoumayseeme，oranyotherWaiterofmystanding，holdingonbythebackofthebox，andleaningoveragentlemanwithhispurseoutandhisbillbeforehim，discussingthesepointsinaconfidentialtoneofvoice，asifmyhappinessinlifeentirelydependedon’em。 Ihavementionedourlittleincomes。Lookatthemostunreasonablepointofall，andthepointonwhichthegreatestinjusticeisdoneus！Whetheritisowingtoouralwayscarryingsomuchchangeinourright-handtrousers-pocket，andsomanyhalfpenceinourcoat- tails，orwhetheritishumannature（whichIwerelothtobelieve），whatismeantbytheeverlastingfablethatHeadWaitersisrich？ Howdidthatfablegetintocirculation？Whofirstputitabout，andwhatarethefactstoestablishtheunblushingstatement？Comeforth，thouslanderer，andreferthepublictotheWaiter’swillinDoctors’Commonssupportingthymalignanthiss！Yetthisissocommonlydweltupon——especiallybythescrewswhogiveWaiterstheleast——thatdenialisvain；andweareobliged，forourcredit’ssake，tocarryourheadsasifweweregoingintoabusiness，whenofthetwowearemuchmorelikelytogointoaunion。TherewasformerlyascrewasfrequentedtheSlamjamereyetthepresentwriterhadquittedthatestablishmentonaquestionoftea-inghisassistantstaffoutofhisownpocket，whichscrewcarriedthetaunttoitsbitterestheight。Neversoaringabovethreepence，andasoftenasnotgrovellingontheearthapennylower，heyetrepresentedthepresentwriterasalargeholderofConsols，alenderofmoneyonmortgage，aCapitalist。HehasbeenoverheardtodilatetoothercustomersontheallegationthatthepresentwriterputoutthousandsofpoundsatinterestinDistilleriesandBreweries。\"Well，Christopher，\"hewouldsay（havinggrovelledhislowestontheearth，halfamomentbefore），\"lookingoutforaHousetoopen，eh？Can’tfindabusinesstobedisposedofonascaleasisuptoyourresources，humph？\"Tosuchadizzyprecipiceoffalsehoodhasthismisrepresentationtakenwing，thatthewell-knownandhighly-respectedOLDCHARLES，longeminentattheWestCountryHotel，andbysomeconsideredtheFatheroftheWaitering，foundhimselfundertheobligationtofallintoitthroughsomanyyearsthathisownwife（forhehadanunbeknownoldladyinthatcapacitytowardshimself）believedit！Andwhatwastheconsequence？WhenhewasbornetohisgraveontheshouldersofsixpickedWaiters，withsixmoreforchange，sixmoreactingaspall-bearers，allkeepingstepinapouringshowerwithoutadryeyevisible，andaconcourseonlyinferiortoRoyalty，hispantryandlodgingswasequallyransackedhighandlowforproperty，andnonewasfound！ Howcoulditbefound，when，beyondhislastmonthlycollectionofwalking-sticks，umbrellas，andpocket-handkerchiefs（whichhappenedtohavebeennotyetdisposedof，thoughhehadeverbeenthroughlifepunctualinclearingoffhiscollectionsbythemonth），therewasnopropertyexisting？Such，however，istheforceofthisuniversallibel，thatthewidowofOldCharles，atthepresenthouraninmateoftheAlmshousesoftheCork-Cutters’Company，inBlueAnchorRoad（identifiedsittingatthedoorofoneof’em，inacleancapandaWindsorarm-chair，onlylastMonday），expectsJohn’shoardedwealthtobefoundhourly！Nay，ereyethehadsuccumbedtothegrislydart，andwhenhisportraitwaspaintedinoilslife- size，bysubscriptionofthefrequentersoftheWestCountry，tohangoverthecoffee-roomchimney-piece，therewerenotwantingthosewhocontendedthatwhatistermedtheaccessoriesofsuchaportraitoughttobetheBankofEnglandoutofwindow，andastrong-boxonthetable。Andbutforbetter-regulatedmindscontendingforabottleandscrewandtheattitudeofdrawing，——andcarryingtheirpoint，——itwouldhavebeensohandeddowntoposterity。 Iamnowbroughttothetitleofthepresentremarks。Having，I hopewithoutoffencetoanyquarter，offeredsuchobservationsasI feltitmydutytooffer，inafreecountrywhichhaseverdominatedtheseas，onthegeneralsubject，Iwillnowproceedtowaitontheparticularquestion。 Atamomentousperiodofmylife，whenIwasoff，sofarasconcernednoticegiven，withaHousethatshallbenameless，——forthequestiononwhichItookmydepartingstandwasafixedchargeforwaiters，andnoHouseascommitsitselftothateminentlyUn- Englishactofmorethanfoolishnessandbasenessshallbeadvertisedbyme，——Irepeat，atamomentouscrisis，whenIwasoffwithaHousetoomeanformention，andnotyetonwiththattowhichIhaveeversincehadthehonourofbeingattachedinthecapacityofHead，{1}Iwascastingaboutwhattodonext。Thenitwerethatproposalsweremadetomeonbehalfofmypresentestablishment。 Stipulationswerenecessaryonmypart，emendationswerenecessaryonmypart：intheend，ratificationsensuedonbothsides，andI enteredonanewcareer。 Weareabedbusiness，andacoffee-roombusiness。Wearenotageneraldiningbusiness，nordowewishit。Inconsequence，whendinersdropin，weknowwhattogive’emaswillkeep’emawayanothertime。WeareaPrivateRoomorFamilybusinessalso；butCoffee-roomprincipal。MeandtheDirectoryandtheWritingMaterialsandcetreroccupyaplacetoourselves——aplacefendedofupasteportwoattheendoftheCoffee-room，inwhatIcallthegoodold-fashionedstyle。Thegoodold-fashionedstyleis，thatwhateveryouwant，downtoawafer，youmustbeolelyandsolelydependentontheHeadWaiterfor。Youmustputyourselfanew-bornChildintohishands。ThereisnootherwayinwhichabusinessuntingedwithContinentalVicecanbeconducted。（Itwerebootlesstoadd，thatiflanguagesisrequiredtobejabberedandEnglishisnotgoodenough，bothfamiliesandgentlemenhadbettergosomewhereelse。） WhenIbegantosettledowninthisright-principledandwell- conductedHouse，Inoticed，underthebedinNo。24B（whichitisupaangleoffthestaircase，andusuallyputoffuponthelowly- minded），aheapofthingsinacorner。IaskedourHeadChambermaidinthecourseoftheday，\"Whatarethemthingsin24B？\" Towhichsheansweredwithacarelessair，\"Somebody’sLuggage。\" Regardingherwithaeyenotfreefromseverity，Isays，\"WhoseLuggage？\" Evadingmyeye，shereplied，\"Lor！HowshouldIknow！\"- Being，itmayberighttomention，afemaleofsomepertness，thoughacquaintedwithherbusiness。 AHeadWaitermustbeeitherHeadorTail。Hemustbeatoneextremityortheotherofthesocialscale。Hecannotbeatthewaistofit，oranywhereelsebuttheextremities。Itisforhimtodecidewhichoftheextremities。 Ontheeventfuloccasionunderconsideration，IgiveMrs。Pratchettsodistinctlytounderstandmydecision，thatIbrokeherspiritastowardsmyself，thenandthere，andforgood。LetnotinconsistencybesuspectedonaccountofmymentioningMrs。Pratchettas\"Mrs。，\" andhavingformerlyremarkedthatawaitressmustnotbemarried。 ReadersarerespectfullyrequestedtonoticethatMrs。Pratchettwasnotawaitress，butachambermaid。NowachambermaidMAYbemarried；ifHead，generallyismarried，——orsaysso。Itcomestothesamethingasexpressingwhatiscustomary。（N。B。Mr。PratchettisinAustralia，andhisaddressthereis\"theBush。\"） HavingtookMrs。Pratchettdownasmanypegsaswasessentialtothefuturehappinessofallparties，Irequestedhertoexplainherself。 \"Forinstance，\"Isays，togiveheralittleencouragement，\"whoisSomebody？\" \"Igiveyoumysacredhonour，Mr。Christopher，\"answersPratchett，\"thatIhaven’tthefaintestnotion。\" Butforthemannerinwhichshesettledhercap-strings，Ishouldhavedoubtedthis；butinrespectofpositivenessitwashardlytobediscriminatedfromanaffidavit。 \"Thenyouneversawhim？\"Ifollowedherupwith。 \"Noryet，\"saidMrs。Pratchett，shuttinghereyesandmakingasifshehadjusttookapillofunusualcircumference，——whichgavearemarkableforcetoherdenial，——\"noryetanyservantinthishouse。 Allhavebeenchanged，Mr。Christopher，withinfiveyear，andSomebodylefthisLuggageherebeforethen。\" InquiryofMissMartinyielded（inthelanguageoftheBardofA。1。） \"confirmationstrong。\"Soithadreallyandtrulyhappened。MissMartinistheyoungladyatthebarasmakesoutourbills；andthoughhigherthanIcouldwishconsideringherstation，isperfectlywell-behaved。 FartherinvestigationsledtothedisclosurethattherewasabillagainstthisLuggagetotheamountoftwosixteensix。TheLuggagehadbeenlyingunderthebedsteadof24Boversixyear。Thebedsteadisafour-poster，withadealofoldhangingandvalance，andis，asIoncesaid，probablyconnectedwithmorethan24Bs，—— whichIremembermyhearerswaspleasedtolaughat，atthetime。 Idon’tknowwhy，——whenDOweknowwhy？——butthisLuggagelaidheavyonmymind。IfellawonderingaboutSomebody，andwhathehadgotandbeenupto。Icouldn’tsatisfymythoughtswhyheshouldleavesomuchLuggageagainstsosmallabill。ForIhadtheLuggageoutwithinadayortwoandturneditover，andthefollowingweretheitems：-Ablackportmanteau，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，abrown-paperparcel，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick。Itwasallverydustyandfluey。Ihadourporteruptogetunderthebedandfetchitout；andthoughhehabituallywallowsindust，——swimsinitfrommorningtonight，andwearsaclose-fittingwaistcoatwithblackcalimancosleevesforthepurpose，——itmadehimsneezeagain，andhisthroatwasthathotwithitthatitwasobligedtobecooledwithadrinkofAllsopp’sdraft。 TheLuggagesogotthebetterofme，thatinsteadofhavingitputbackwhenitwaswelldustedandwashedwithawetcloth，——previoustowhichitwassocoveredwithfeathersthatyoumighthavethoughtitwasturningintopoultry，andwouldby-and-bybegintoLay，——I say，insteadofhavingitputback，Ihaditcarriedintooneofmyplacesdown-stairs。TherefromtimetotimeIstaredatitandstaredatit，tillitseemedtogrowbigandgrowlittle，andcomeforwardatmeandretreatagain，andgothroughallmannerofperformancesresemblingintoxication。Whenthishadlastedweeks，—— Imaysaymonths，andnotbefarout，——IonedaythoughtofaskingMissMartinfortheparticularsoftheTwosixteensixtotal。Shewassoobligingastoextractitfromthebooks，——itdatingbeforehertime，——andherefollowsatruecopy： Coffee-Room。 1856。No。4。Poundss。d。 Feb。2d，PenandPaper006 PortNegus020 Ditto020 Penandpaper006 Tumblerbroken026 Brandy020 Penandpaper006 Anchovytoast026 Penandpaper006 Bed030 Feb。3d，Penandpaper006 Breakfast026 Broiledham020 Eggs010 Watercresses010 Shrimps010 Penandpaper006 Blotting-paper006 MessengertoPaternosterRowandback016 Again，whenNoAnswer016 Brandy2s。，DevilledPorkchop2s。040 Pensandpaper010 MessengertoAlbemarleStreetandback010 Again（detained），whenNoAnswer016 Salt-cellarbroken036 LargeLiquour-glassOrangeBrandy016 Dinner，Soup，Fish，Joint，andbird076 BottleoldEastIndiaBrown080 Penandpaper006 2166 Mem。：January1st，1857。Hewentoutafterdinner，directingluggagetobereadywhenhecalledforit。Nevercalled。 Sofarfromthrowingalightuponthesubject，thisbillappearedtome，ifImaysoexpressmydoubts，toinvolveitinayetmoreluridhalo。SpeculatingitoverwiththeMistress，sheinformedmethattheluggagehadbeenadvertisedintheMaster’stimeasbeingtobesoldaftersuchandsuchadaytopayexpenses，butnofartherstepshadbeentaken。（Imayhereremark，thattheMistressisawidowinherfourthyear。TheMasterwaspossessedofoneofthoseunfortunateconstitutionsinwhichSpiritsturnstoWater，andrisesintheill-starredVictim。） Myspeculatingitover，notthenonly，butrepeatedly，sometimeswiththeMistress，sometimeswithone，sometimeswithanother，leduptotheMistress’ssayingtome，——whetheratfirstinjokeorinearnest，orhalfjokeandhalfearnest，itmattersnot： \"Christopher，Iamgoingtomakeyouahandsomeoffer。\" （Ifthisshouldmeethereye，——alovelyblue，——mayshenottakeitillmymentioningthatifIhadbeeneightortenyearyounger，I wouldhavedoneasmuchbyher！Thatis，Iwouldhavemadeheraoffer。Itisforothersthanmetodenominateitahandsomeone。） \"Christopher，Iamgoingtomakeyouahandsomeoffer。\" \"Putanametoit，ma’am。\" \"Lookhere，Christopher。RunoverthearticlesofSomebody’sLuggage。You’vegotitallbyheart，Iknow。\" \"Ablackportmanteau，ma’am，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，abrown-paperparcel，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick。\" \"Alljustastheywereleft。Nothingopened，nothingtamperedwith。\" \"Youareright，ma’am。Alllockedbutthebrown-paperparcel，andthatsealed。\" TheMistresswasleaningonMissMartin’sdeskatthebar-window，andshetapstheopenbookthatlaysuponthedesk，——shehasapretty-madehandtobesure，——andbobsherheadoveritandlaughs。 \"Come，\"saysshe，\"Christopher。PaymeSomebody’sbill，andyoushallhaveSomebody’sLuggage。\" Irathertooktotheideafromthefirstmoment；but，\"Itmayn’tbeworththemoney，\"Iobjected，seemingtoholdback。 \"That’saLottery，\"saystheMistress，foldingherarmsuponthebook，——itain’therhandsalonethat’sprettymade，theobservationextendsrightupherarms。\"Won’tyouventuretwopoundsixteenshillingsandsixpenceintheLottery？Why，there’snoblanks！\" saystheMistress；laughingandbobbingherheadagain，\"youMUST win。Ifyoulose，youmustwin！AllprizesinthisLottery！Drawablank，andremember，Gentlemen-Sportsmen，you’llstillbeentitledtoablackportmanteau，ablackbag，adesk，adressing-case，asheetofbrownpaper，ahat-box，andanumbrellastrappedtoawalking-stick！\" Tomakeshortofit，MissMartincomeroundme，andMrs。Pratchettcomeroundme，andtheMistressshewascompletelyroundmealready，andallthewomeninthehousecomeroundme，andifithadbeenSixteentwoinsteadofTwosixteen，Ishouldhavethoughtmyselfwelloutofit。Forwhatcanyoudowhentheydocomeroundyou？ SoIpaidthemoney——down——andsuchalaughingastherewasamong’em！ButIturnedthetableson’emregularly，whenIsaid： \"Myfamily-nameisBlue-Beard。I’mgoingtoopenSomebody’sLuggageallaloneintheSecretChamber，andnotafemaleeyecatchessightofthecontents！\" WhetherIthoughtpropertohavethefirmnesstokeeptothis，don’tsignify，orwhetheranyfemaleeye，andifany，howmany，wasreallypresentwhentheopeningoftheLuggagecameoff。Somebody’sLuggageisthequestionatpresent：Nobody’seyes，noryetnoses。 WhatIstilllookatmost，inconnectionwiththatLuggage，istheextraordinaryquantityofwriting-paper，andallwrittenon！Andnotourpaperneither，——notthepaperchargedinthebill，forweknowourpaper，——sohemusthavebeenalwaysatit。Andhehadcrumpledupthiswritingofhis，everywhere，ineverypartandparcelofhisluggage。Therewaswritinginhisdressing-case，writinginhisboots，writingamonghisshaving-tackle，writinginhishat-box，writingfoldedawaydownamongtheverywhalebonesofhisumbrella。 Hisclotheswasn’tbad，whattherewasof’em。Hisdressing-casewaspoor，——notaparticleofsilverstopper，——bottleapertureswithnothingin’em，likeemptylittledog-kennels，——andamostsearchingdescriptionoftooth-powderdiffusingitselfaround，asunderadeludedmistakethatallthechinksinthefittingswasdivisionsinteeth。HisclothesIpartedwith，wellenough，toasecond-handdealernotfarfromSt。Clement’sDanes，intheStrand，——himastheofficersintheArmymostlydisposeoftheiruniformsto，whenhardpressedwithdebtsofhonour，ifImayjudgefromtheircoatsandepauletsdiversifyingthewindowwiththeirbackstowardsthepublic。Thesamepartyboughtinonelottheportmanteau，thebag，thedesk，thedressing-case，thehat-box，theumbrella，strap，andwalking-stick。OnmyremarkingthatIshouldhavethoughtthosearticlesnotquiteinhisline，hesaid：\"Nomoreithaman’thgrandmother，MithterChrithtopher；butifanymanwillbringhithgrandmotherhere，andofferheratafairtriflebelowwhatthe’llfethwithgoodluckwhenthe’ththcouredandturned——I’llbuyher！\" Thesetransactionsbroughtmehome，and，indeed，morethanhome，fortheyleftagoodishprofitontheoriginalinvestment。Andnowthereremainedthewritings；andthewritingsIparticularwishtobringunderthecandidattentionofthereader。 Iwishtodosowithoutpostponement，forthisreason。Thatistosay，namely，viz。i。e。，asfollows，thus：-BeforeIproceedtorecountthementalsufferingsofwhichIbecamethepreyinconsequenceofthewritings，andbeforefollowingupthatharrowingtalewithastatementofthewonderfulandimpressivecatastrophe，asthrillinginitsnatureasunlookedforinanyothercapacity，whichcrownedtheoleandfilledthecupofunexpectednesstooverflowing，thewritingsthemselvesoughttostandforthtoview。 Thereforeitisthattheynowcomenext。Onewordtointroducethem，andIlaydownmypen（Ihope，myunassumingpen）untilItakeituptotracethegloomysequelofamindwithsomethingonit。 Hewasasmearywriter，andwroteadreadfulbadhand。Utterlyregardlessofink，helavisheditoneveryundeservingobject——onhisclothes，hisdesk，hishat，thehandleofhistooth-brush，hisumbrella。Inkwasfoundfreelyonthecoffee-roomcarpetbyNo。4 table，andtwoblotswasonhisrestlesscouch。AreferencetothedocumentIhavegivenentirewillshowthatonthemorningofthethirdofFebruary，eighteenfifty-six，heprocuredhisnolessthanfifthpenandpaper。Towhateverdeplorableactofungovernablecompositionheimmolatedthosematerialsobtainedfromthebar，thereisnodoubtthatthefataldeedwascommittedinbed，andthatitleftitsevidencesbuttooplainly，longafterwards，uponthepillow-case。 HehadputnoHeadingtoanyofhiswritings。Alas！WashelikelytohaveaHeadingwithoutaHead，andwherewasHISHeadwhenhetooksuchthingsintoit？Insomecases，suchashisBoots，hewouldappeartohavehidthewritings；therebyinvolvinghisstyleingreaterobscurity。ButhisBootswasatleastpairs，——andnotwoofhiswritingscanputinanyclaimtobesoregarded。Herefollows（nottogivemorespecimens）whatwasfoundinCHAPTERII——HISBOOTS \"Eh！wellthen，MonsieurMutuel！WhatdoIknow，whatcanIsay？I assureyouthathecallshimselfMonsieurTheEnglishman。\" \"Pardon。ButIthinkitisimpossible，\"saidMonsieurMutuel，——aspectacled，snuffy，stoopingoldgentlemanincarpetshoesandaclothcapwithapeakedshade，aloosebluefrock-coatreachingtohisheels，alargelimpwhiteshirt-frill，andcravattocorrespond，——thatistosay，whitewasthenaturalcolourofhislinenonSundays，butittoneddownwiththeweek。 \"Itis，\"repeatedMonsieurMutuel，hisamiableoldwalnut-shellcountenanceverywalnut-shellyindeedashesmiledandblinkedinthebrightmorningsunlight，——\"itis，mycherishedMadameBouclet，I think，impossible！\" \"Hey！\"（withalittlevexedcryandagreatmanytossesofherhead。）\"ButitisnotimpossiblethatyouareaPig！\"retortedMadameBouclet，acompactlittlewomanofthirty-fiveorso。\"Seethen，——lookthere，——read！’OnthesecondfloorMonsieurL’Anglais。’ Isitnotso？\" \"Itisso，\"saidMonsieurMutuel。 \"Good。Continueyourmorningwalk。Getout！\"MadameBoucletdismissedhimwithalivelysnapofherfingers。 ThemorningwalkofMonsieurMutuelwasinthebrightestpatchthatthesunmadeintheGrandePlaceofadulloldfortifiedFrenchtown。Themannerofhismorningwalkwaswithhishandscrossedbehindhim；anumbrella，infiguretheexpressimageofhimself，alwaysinonehand；asnuffboxintheother。Thus，withtheshufflinggaitoftheElephant（whoreallydoesdealwiththeveryworsttrousers-makeremployedbytheZoologicalworld，andwhoappearedtohaverecommendedhimtoMonsieurMutuel），theoldgentlemansunnedhimselfdailywhensunwastobehad——ofcourse，atthesametimesunningaredribbonathisbutton-hole；forwashenotanancientFrenchman？ Beingtoldbyoneoftheangelicsextocontinuehismorningwalkandgetout，MonsieurMutuellaughedawalnut-shelllaugh，pulledoffhiscapatarm’slengthwiththehandthatcontainedhissnuffbox，keptitoffforaconsiderableperiodafterhehadpartedfromMadameBouclet，andcontinuedhismorningwalkandgotout，likeamanofgallantryashewas。 ThedocumentaryevidencetowhichMadameBouclethadreferredMonsieurMutuelwasthelistofherlodgers，sweetlywrittenforthbyherownNephewandBookkeeper，whoheldthepenofanAngel，andpostedupatthesideofhergateway，fortheinformationofthePolice：\"Ausecond，M。L’Anglais，Proprietaire。\"Onthesecondfloor，Mr。TheEnglishman，manofproperty。Soitstood；nothingcouldbeplainer。 MadameBoucletnowtracedthelinewithherforefinger，asitweretoconfirmandsettleherselfinherpartingsnapatMonsieurMutuel，andsoplacingherrighthandonherhipwithadefiantair，asifnothingshouldevertempthertounsnapthatsnap，strolledoutintothePlacetoglanceupatthewindowsofMr。TheEnglishman。Thatworthyhappeningtobelookingoutofwindowatthemoment，MadameBoucletgavehimagracefulsalutationwithherhead，lookedtotherightandlookedtothelefttoaccounttohimforherbeingthere，consideredforamoment，likeonewhoaccountedtoherselfforsomebodyshehadexpectednotbeingthere，andreenteredherowngateway。MadameBoucletletallherhousegivingonthePlaceinfurnishedflatsorfloors，andliveduptheyardbehindincompanywithMonsieurBoucletherhusband（greatatbilliards），aninheritedbrewingbusiness，severalfowls，twocarts，anephew，alittledoginabigkennel，agrape-vine，acounting- house，fourhorses，amarriedsister（withashareinthebrewingbusiness），thehusbandandtwochildrenofthemarriedsister，aparrot，adrum（performedonbythelittleboyofthemarriedsister），twobilletedsoldiers，aquantityofpigeons，afife（playedbythenephewinaravishingmanner），severaldomesticsandsupernumeraries，aperpetualflavourofcoffeeandsoup，aterrificrangeofartificialrocksandwoodenprecipicesatleastfourfeethigh，asmallfountain，andhalf-a-dozenlargesunflowers。 NowtheEnglishman，intakinghisAppartement，——or，asonemightsayonoursideoftheChannel，hissetofchambers，——hadgivenhisname，correcttotheletter，LANGLEY。ButashehadaBritishwayofnotopeninghismouthverywideonforeignsoil，exceptatmeals，theBreweryhadbeenabletomakenothingofitbutL’Anglais。SoMr。TheEnglishmanhehadbecomeandheremained。 \"Neversawsuchapeople！\"mutteredMr。TheEnglishman，ashenowlookedoutofwindow。\"Neverdid，inmylife！\" Thiswastrueenough，forhehadneverbeforebeenoutofhisowncountry，——arightlittleisland，atightlittleisland，abrightlittleisland，ashow-fightlittleisland，andfullofmeritofallsorts；butnotthewholeroundworld。 \"Thesechaps，\"saidMr。TheEnglishmantohimself，ashiseyerolledoverthePlace，sprinkledwithmilitaryhereandthere，\"arenomorelikesoldiers——\"Nothingbeingsufficientlystrongfortheendofhissentence，heleftitunended。 Thisagain（fromthepointofviewofhisexperience）wasstrictlycorrect；forthoughtherewasagreatagglomerationofsoldiersinthetownandneighbouringcountry，youmighthaveheldagrandReviewandField-dayofthemeveryone，andlookedinvainamongthemallforasoldierchokingbehindhisfoolishstock，orasoldierlamedbyhisill-fittingshoes，orasoldierdeprivedoftheuseofhislimbsbystrapsandbuttons，orasoldierelaboratelyforcedtobeself-helplessinallthesmallaffairsoflife。A swarmofbrisk，bright，active，bustling，handy，odd，skirmishingfellows，abletoturncleverlyatanything，fromasiegetosoup，fromgreatgunstoneedlesandthread，fromthebroadswordexercisetoslicinganonion，frommakingwartomakingomelets，wasallyouwouldhavefound。 Whataswarm！FromtheGreatPlaceundertheeyeofMr。TheEnglishman，whereafewawkwardsquadsfromthelastconscriptionweredoingthegoose-step——somemembersofthosesquadsstillastotheirbodies，inthechrysalispeasant-stateofBlouse，andonlymilitarybutterfliesastotheirregimentally-clothedlegs——fromtheGreatPlace，awayoutsidethefortifications，andawayformilesalongthedustyroads，soldiersswarmed。Alldaylong，uponthegrass-grownrampartsofthetown，practisingsoldierstrumpetedandbugled；alldaylong，downinanglesofdrytrenches，practisingsoldiersdrummedanddrummed。Everyforenoon，soldiersburstoutofthegreatbarracksintothesandygymnasium-groundhardby，andflewoverthewoodenhorse，andhungontoflyingropes，anddangledupside-downbetweenparallelbars，andshotthemselvesoffwoodenplatforms，——splashes，sparks，coruscations，showersofsoldiers。Ateverycornerofthetown-wall，everyguard-house，everygateway，everysentry-box，everydrawbridge，everyreedyditch，andrushydike，soldiers，soldiers，soldiers。Andthetownbeingprettywellallwall，guard-house，gateway，sentry-box，drawbridge，reedyditch，andrushydike，thetownwasprettywellallsoldiers。 Whatwouldthesleepyoldtownhavebeenwithoutthesoldiers，seeingthatevenwiththemithadsooversleptitselfastohavesleptitsechoeshoarse，itsdefensivebarsandlocksandboltsandchainsallrusty，anditsditchesstagnant！FromthedayswhenVAUBANengineeredittothatperplexingextentthattolookatitwaslikebeingknockedontheheadwithit，thestrangerbecomingstunnedandstertorousundertheshockofitsincomprehensibility，—— fromthedayswhenVAUBANmadeittheexpressincorporationofeverysubstantiveandadjectiveintheartofmilitaryengineering，andnotonlytwistedyouintoitandtwistedyououtofit，totheright，totheleft，opposite，underhere，overthere，inthedark，inthedirt，bythegateway，archway，coveredway，dryway，wetway，fosse，portcullis，drawbridge，sluice，squattower，piercedwall，andheavybattery，butlikewisetookafortifyingdiveundertheneighbouringcountry，andcametothesurfacethreeorfourmilesoff，blowingoutincomprehensiblemoundsandbatteriesamongthequietcropsofchicoryandbeet-root，——fromthosedaystothesethetownhadbeenasleep，anddustandrustandmusthadsettledonitsdrowsyArsenalsandMagazines，andgrasshadgrownupinitssilentstreets。 Onmarket-daysalone，itsGreatPlacesuddenlyleapedoutofbed。 Onmarket-days，somefriendlyenchanterstruckhisstaffuponthestonesoftheGreatPlace，andinstantlyarosetheliveliestboothsandstalls，andsittingsandstandings，andapleasanthumofchafferingandhucksteringfrommanyhundredsoftongues，andapleasant，thoughpeculiar，blendingofcolours，——whitecaps，blueblouses，andgreenvegetables，——andatlasttheKnightdestinedfortheadventureseemedtohavecomeinearnest，andalltheVaubanoissprangupawake。Andnow，bylong，low-lyingavenuesoftrees，joltinginwhite-hoodeddonkey-cart，andondonkey-back，andintumbrilandwagon，andcartandcabriolet，andafootwithbarrowandburden，——andalongthedikesandditchesandcanals，inlittlepeak- prowedcountryboats，——camepeasant-menandwomeninflocksandcrowds，bringingarticlesforsale。Andhereyouhadbootsandshoes，andsweetmeatsandstuffstowear，andhere（inthecoolshadeoftheTown-hall）youhadmilkandcreamandbutterandcheese，andhereyouhadfruitsandonionsandcarrots，andallthingsneedfulforyoursoup，andhereyouhadpoultryandflowersandprotestingpigs，andherenewshovels，axes，spades，andbill- hooksforyourfarmingwork，andherehugemoundsofbread，andhereyourungroundgraininsacks，andhereyourchildren’sdolls，andherethecake-seller，announcinghiswaresbybeatandrollofdrum。 Andhark！fanfaronadeoftrumpets，andhereintotheGreatPlace，resplendentinanopencarriage，withfourgorgeously-attiredservitorsupbehind，playinghorns，drums，andcymbals，rolled\"theDaughterofaPhysician\"inmassivegoldenchainsandear-rings，andblue-featheredhat，shadedfromtheadmiringsunbytwoimmenseumbrellasofartificialroses，todispense（frommotivesofphilanthropy）thatsmallandpleasantdosewhichhadcuredsomanythousands！Toothache，earache，headache，heartache，stomach-ache，debility，nervousness，fits，fainting，fever，ague，allequallycuredbythesmallandpleasantdoseofthegreatPhysician’sgreatdaughter！Theprocesswasthis，——she，theDaughterofaPhysician，proprietressofthesuperbequipageyounowadmiredwithitsconfirmatoryblastsoftrumpet，drum，andcymbal，toldyouso：Onthefirstdayaftertakingthesmallandpleasantdose，youwouldfeelnoparticularinfluencebeyondamostharmonioussensationofindescribableandirresistiblejoy；ontheseconddayyouwouldbesoastonishinglybetterthatyouwouldthinkyourselfchangedintosomebodyelse；onthethirddayyouwouldbeentirelyfreefromdisorder，whateveritsnatureandhoweverlongyouhadhadit，andwouldseekoutthePhysician’sDaughtertothrowyourselfatherfeet，kissthehemofhergarment，andbuyasmanymoreofthesmallandpleasantdosesasbythesaleofallyourfeweffectsyoucouldobtain；butshewouldbeinaccessible，——goneforherbstothePyramidsofEgypt，——andyouwouldbe（thoughcured）reducedtodespair！ThuswouldthePhysician’sDaughterdrivehertrade（andbrisklytoo），andthuswouldthebuyingandsellingandminglingoftonguesandcolourscontinue，untilthechangingsunlight，leavingthePhysician’sDaughterintheshadowofhighroofs，admonishedhertojoltoutwestward，withadepartingeffectofgleamandglitteronthesplendidequipageandbrazenblast。AndnowtheenchanterstruckhisstaffuponthestonesoftheGreatPlaceoncemore，anddownwentthebooths，thesittingsandstandings，andvanishedthemerchandise，andwithitthebarrows，donkeys，donkey-carts，andtumbrils，andallotherthingsonwheelsandfeet，excepttheslowscavengerswithunwieldycartsandmeagrehorsesclearinguptherubbish，assistedbythesleektownpigeons，betterplumpedoutthanonnon-marketdays。Whiletherewasyetanhourortwotowanebeforetheautumnsunset，theloitereroutsidetown-gateanddrawbridge，andposternanddouble-ditch，wouldseethelastwhite- hoodedcartlesseningintheavenueoflengtheningshadowsoftrees，orthelastcountryboat，paddledbythelastmarket-womanonherwayhome，showingblackuponthereddening，long，low，narrowdikebetweenhimandthemill；andasthepaddle-partedscumandweedclosedovertheboat’strack，hemightbecomfortablysurethatitssluggishrestwouldbetroublednomoreuntilnextmarket-day。 AsitwasnotoneoftheGreatPlace’sdaysforgettingoutofbed，whenMr。TheEnglishmanlookeddownattheyoungsoldierspractisingthegoose-stepthere，hismindwasleftatlibertytotakeamilitaryturn。 \"Thesefellowsarebilletedeverywhereabout，\"saidhe；\"andtoseethemlightingthepeople’sfires，boilingthepeople’spots，mindingthepeople’sbabies，rockingthepeople’scradles，washingthepeople’sgreens，andmakingthemselvesgenerallyuseful，ineverysortofunmilitaryway，ismostridiculous！Neversawsuchasetoffellows，——neverdidinmylife！\" Allperfectlytrueagain。WastherenotPrivateValentineinthatveryhouse，actingassolehousemaid，valet，cook，steward，andnurse，inthefamilyofhiscaptain，MonsieurleCapitainedelaCour，——cleaningthefloors，makingthebeds，doingthemarketing，dressingthecaptain，dressingthedinners，dressingthesalads，anddressingthebaby，allwithequalreadiness？Or，toputhimaside，hebeinginloyalattendanceonhisChief，wastherenotPrivateHyppolite，billetedatthePerfumer’stwohundredyardsoff，who，whennotonduty，volunteeredtokeepshopwhilethefairPerfumeresssteppedouttospeaktoaneighbourorso，andlaughinglysoldsoapwithhiswar-swordgirdedonhim？WastherenotEmile，billetedattheClock-maker’s，perpetuallyturningtoofanevening，withhiscoatoff，windingupthestock？WastherenotEugene，billetedattheTinman’s，cultivating，pipeinmouth，agardenfourfeetsquare，fortheTinman，inthelittlecourt，behindtheshop，andextortingthefruitsoftheearthfromthesame，onhisknees，withthesweatofhisbrow？Nottomultiplyexamples，wastherenotBaptiste，billetedonthepoorWater-carrier，atthatveryinstantsittingonthepavementinthesunlight，withhismartiallegsasunder，andoneoftheWater-carrier’ssparepailsbetweenthem，which（tothedelightandgloryoftheheartoftheWater-carriercomingacrossthePlacefromthefountain，yokedandburdened）hewaspaintingbright-greenoutsideandbright-redwithin？Or，togonofartherthantheBarber’sattheverynextdoor，wastherenotCorporalTheophile- \"No，\"saidMr。TheEnglishman，glancingdownattheBarber’s，\"heisnotthereatpresent。There’sthechild，though。\" AmeremiteofagirlstoodonthestepsoftheBarber’sshop，lookingacrossthePlace。Amerebaby，onemightcallher，dressedintheclosewhitelinencapwhichsmallFrenchcountrychildrenwear（likethechildreninDutchpictures），andinafrockofhomespunblue，thathadnoshapeexceptwhereitwastiedroundherlittlefatthroat。Sothat，beingnaturallyshortandroundallover，shelooked，behind，asifshehadbeencutoffathernaturalwaist，andhadhadherheadneatlyfittedonit。 \"There’sthechild，though。\" Tojudgefromthewayinwhichthedimpledhandwasrubbingtheeyes，theeyeshadbeenclosedinanap，andwerenewlyopened。ButtheyseemedtobelookingsointentlyacrossthePlace，thattheEnglishmanlookedinthesamedirection。 \"O！\"saidhepresently。\"Ithoughtasmuch。TheCorporal’sthere。\" TheCorporal，asmartfigureofamanofthirty，perhapsathoughtunderthemiddlesize，butveryneatlymade，——asunburntCorporalwithabrownpeakedbeard，——facedaboutatthemoment，addressingvolublewordsofinstructiontothesquadinhand。NothingwasamissorawryabouttheCorporal。AlitheandnimbleCorporal，quitecomplete，fromthesparklingdarkeyesunderhisknowinguniformcaptohissparklingwhitegaiters。TheveryimageandpresentmentofaCorporalofhiscountry’sarmy，inthelineofhisshoulders，thelineofhiswaist，thebroadestlineofhisBloomertrousers，andtheirnarrowestlineatthecalfofhisleg。 Mr。TheEnglishmanlookedon，andthechildlookedon，andtheCorporallookedon（butthelast-namedathismen），untilthedrillendedafewminutesafterwards，andthemilitarysprinklingdriedupdirectly，andwasgone。ThensaidMr。TheEnglishmantohimself，\"Lookhere！ByGeorge！\"AndtheCorporal，dancingtowardstheBarber’swithhisarmswideopen，caughtupthechild，heldheroverhisheadinaflyingattitude，caughtherdownagain，kissedher，andmadeoffwithherintotheBarber’shouse。 NowMr。TheEnglishmanhadhadaquarrelwithhiserringanddisobedientanddisowneddaughter，andtherewasachildinthatcasetoo。Hadnothisdaughterbeenachild，andhadshenottakenangel-flightsabovehisheadasthischildhadflownabovetheCorporal’s？ \"He’sa\"——NationalParticipled——\"fool！\"saidtheEnglishman，andshuthiswindow。 ButthewindowsofthehouseofMemory，andthewindowsofthehouseofMercy，arenotsoeasilyclosedaswindowsofglassandwood。 Theyflyopenunexpectedly；theyrattleinthenight；theymustbenailedup。Mr。TheEnglishmanhadtriednailingthem，buthadnotdriventhenailsquitehome。Sohepassedbutadisturbedeveningandaworsenight。 Bynatureagood-temperedman？No；verylittlegentleness，confoundingthequalitywithweakness。Fierceandwrathfulwhencrossed？Very，andstupendouslyunreasonable。Moody？Exceedinglyso。Vindictive？Well；hehadhadscowlingthoughtsthathewouldformallycursehisdaughter，ashehadseenitdoneonthestage。 ButrememberingthattherealHeavenissomepacesremovedfromthemockoneinthegreatchandelieroftheTheatre，hehadgiventhatup。 Andhehadcomeabroadtoberidofhisrepudiateddaughterfortherestofhislife。Andherehewas。 Atbottom，itwasforthisreason，morethanforanyother，thatMr。 TheEnglishmantookitextremelyillthatCorporalTheophileshouldbesodevotedtolittleBebelle，thechildattheBarber’sshop。Inanunluckymomenthehadchancedtosaytohimself，\"Why，confoundthefellow，heisnotherfather！\"Therewasasharpstinginthespeechwhichranintohimsuddenly，andputhiminaworsemood。SohehadNationalParticipledtheunconsciousCorporalwithmostheartyemphasis，andhadmadeuphismindtothinknomoreaboutsuchamountebank。 ButitcametopassthattheCorporalwasnottobedismissed。IfhehadknownthemostdelicatefibresoftheEnglishman’smind，insteadofknowingnothingonearthabouthim，andifhehadbeenthemostobstinateCorporalintheGrandArmyofFrance，insteadofbeingthemostobliging，hecouldnothaveplantedhimselfwithmoredeterminedimmovabilityplumpinthemidstofalltheEnglishman’sthoughts。Notonlyso，butheseemedtobealwaysinhisview。Mr。 TheEnglishmanhadbuttolookoutofwindow，tolookupontheCorporalwithlittleBebelle。Hehadbuttogoforawalk，andtherewastheCorporalwalkingwithBebelle。Hehadbuttocomehomeagain，disgusted，andtheCorporalandBebellewereathomebeforehim。Ifhelookedoutathisbackwindowsearlyinthemorning，theCorporalwasintheBarber’sbackyard，washinganddressingandbrushingBebelle。Ifhetookrefugeathisfrontwindows，theCorporalbroughthisbreakfastoutintothePlace，andsharedittherewithBebelle。AlwaysCorporalandalwaysBebelle。 NeverCorporalwithoutBebelle。NeverBebellewithoutCorporal。 Mr。TheEnglishmanwasnotparticularlystrongintheFrenchlanguageasameansoforalcommunication，thoughhereaditverywell。Itiswithlanguagesaswithpeople，——whenyouonlyknowthembysight，youareapttomistakethem；youmustbeonspeakingtermsbeforeyoucanbesaidtohaveestablishedanacquaintance。 Forthisreason，Mr。TheEnglishmanhadtogirduphisloinsconsiderablybeforehecouldbringhimselftothepointofexchangingideaswithMadameBoucletonthesubjectofthisCorporalandthisBebelle。ButMadameBoucletlookinginapologeticallyonemorningtoremark，that，OHeaven！shewasinastateofdesolationbecausethelamp-makerhadnotsenthomethatlampconfidedtohimtorepair，butthattrulyhewasalamp-makeragainstwhomthewholeworldshriekedout，Mr。TheEnglishmanseizedtheoccasion。 \"Madame，thatbaby——\" \"Pardon，monsieur。Thatlamp。\" \"No，no，thatlittlegirl。\" \"But，pardon！\"saidMadameBonclet，anglingforaclew，\"onecannotlightalittlegirl，orsendhertoberepaired？\" \"Thelittlegirl——atthehouseofthebarber。\" \"Ah-h-h！\"criedMadameBouclet，suddenlycatchingtheideawithherdelicatelittlelineandrod。\"LittleBebelle？Yes，yes，yes！AndherfriendtheCorporal？Yes，yes，yes，yes！Sogenteelofhim，—— isitnot？\" \"Heisnot-？\" \"Notatall；notatall！Heisnotoneofherrelations。Notatall！\" \"Why，then，he——\" \"Perfectly！\"criedMadameBouclet，\"youareright，monsieur。Itissogenteelofhim。Thelessrelation，themoregenteel。Asyousay。\" \"Isshe-？\" \"Thechildofthebarber？\"MadameBoucletwhiskedupherskilfullittlelineandrodagain。\"Notatall，notatall！Sheisthechildof——inaword，ofnoone。\" \"Thewifeofthebarber，then-？\" \"Indubitably。Asyousay。Thewifeofthebarberreceivesasmallstipendtotakecareofher。Somuchbythemonth。Eh，then！Itiswithoutdoubtverylittle，forweareallpoorhere。\" \"Youarenotpoor，madame。\" \"Astomylodgers，\"repliedMadameBouclet，withasmilingandagraciousbendofherhead，\"no。Astoallthingselse，so-so。\" \"Youflatterme，madame。\" \"Monsieur，itisyouwhoflattermeinlivinghere。\" CertainfishygaspsonMr。TheEnglishman’spart，denotingthathewasabouttoresumehissubjectunderdifficulties，MadameBoucletobservedhimclosely，andwhiskedupherdelicatelineandrodagainwithtriumphantsuccess。 \"Ono，monsieur，certainlynot。Thewifeofthebarberisnotcrueltothepoorchild，butsheiscareless。Herhealthisdelicate，andshesitsallday，lookingoutatwindow。Consequently，whentheCorporalfirstcame，thepoorlittleBebellewasmuchneglected。\" \"Itisacurious——\"beganMr。TheEnglishman。 \"Name？ThatBebelle？Againyouareright，monsieur。ButitisaplayfulnameforGabrielle。\" \"AndsothechildisamerefancyoftheCorporal’s？\"saidMr。TheEnglishman，inagrufflydisparagingtoneofvoice。 \"Eh，well！\"returnedMadameBouclet，withapleadingshrug：\"onemustlovesomething。Humannatureisweak。\" （\"Devilishweak，\"mutteredtheEnglishman，inhisownlanguage。） \"AndtheCorporal，\"pursuedMadameBouclet，\"beingbilletedatthebarber’s，——wherehewillprobablyremainalongtime，forheisattachedtotheGeneral，——andfindingthepoorunownedchildinneedofbeingloved，andfindinghimselfinneedofloving，——why，thereyouhaveitall，yousee！\" Mr。TheEnglishmanacceptedthisinterpretationofthematterwithanindifferentgrace，andobservedtohimself，inaninjuredmanner，whenhewasagainalone：\"Ishouldn’tminditsomuch，ifthesepeoplewerenotsucha\"——NationalParticipled——\"sentimentalpeople！\" TherewasaCemeteryoutsidethetown，andithappenedillforthereputationoftheVaubanois，inthissentimentalconnection，thathetookawalktherethatsameafternoon。Tobesurethereweresomewonderfulthingsinit（fromtheEnglishman’spointofview），andofacertaintyinallBritainyouwouldhavefoundnothinglikeit。 Nottomentionthefancifulflourishesofheartsandcrossesinwoodandiron，thatwereplantedallovertheplace，makingitlookverylikeaFirework-ground，whereamostsplendidpyrotechnicdisplaymightbeexpectedafterdark，thereweresomanywreathsuponthegraves，embroidered，asitmightbe，\"Tomymother，\"\"Tomydaughter，\"\"Tomyfather，\"\"Tomybrother，\"\"Tomysister，\"\"Tomyfriend，\"andthosemanywreathswereinsomanystagesofelaborationanddecay，fromthewreathofyesterday，allfreshcolourandbrightbeads，tothewreathoflastyear，apoormoulderingwispofstraw！Thereweresomanylittlegardensandgrottosmadeupongraves，insomanytastes，withplantsandshellsandplasterfiguresandporcelainpitchers，andsomanyoddsandends！Thereweresomanytributesofremembrancehangingup，nottobediscriminatedbytheclosestinspectionfromlittleroundwaiters，whereonweredepictedinglowinglineseitheraladyoragentlemanwithawhitepocket-handkerchiefoutofallproportion，leaning，inastateofthemostfaultlessmourningandmostprofoundaffliction，onthemostarchitecturalandgorgeousurn！Thereweresomanysurvivingwiveswhohadputtheirnamesonthetombsoftheirdeceasedhusbands，withablankforthedateoftheirowndeparturefromthiswearyworld；andthereweresomanysurvivinghusbandswhohadrenderedthesamehomagetotheirdeceasedwives； andoutofthenumbertheremusthavebeensomanywhohadlongagomarriedagain！Infine，therewassomuchintheplacethatwouldhaveseemedmorefripperytoastranger，savefortheconsiderationthatthelightestpaperflowerthatlayuponthepoorestheapofearthwasnevertouchedbyarudehand，butperishedthere，asacredthing！ \"NothingofthesolemnityofDeathhere，\"Mr。TheEnglishmanhadbeengoingtosay，whenthislastconsiderationtouchedhimwithamildappeal，andonthewholehewalkedoutwithoutsayingit。\"Butthesepeopleare，\"heinsisted，bywayofcompensation，whenhewaswelloutsidethegate，\"theyareso\"——Participled——\"sentimental！\" Hiswaybacklaybythemilitarygymnasium-ground。AndtherehepassedtheCorporalgliblyinstructingyoungsoldiershowtoswingthemselvesoverrapidanddeepwatercoursesontheirwaytoGlory，bymeansofarope，andhimselfdeftlyplungingoffaplatform，andflyingahundredfeetortwo，asanencouragementtothemtobegin。 Andtherehealsopassed，perchedonacrowningeminence（probablytheCorporal’scarefulhands），thesmallBebelle，withherroundeyeswideopen，surveyingtheproceedinglikeawonderingsortofblueandwhitebird。 \"Ifthatchildwastodie，\"thiswashisreflectionasheturnedhisbackandwenthisway，——\"anditwouldalmostservethefellowrightformakingsuchafoolofhimself，——Isupposeweshouldhavehimstickingupawreathandawaiterinthatfantasticburying-ground。\" Nevertheless，afteranotherearlymorningortwooflookingoutofwindow，hestrolleddownintothePlace，whentheCorporalandBebellewerewalkingthere，andtouchinghishattotheCorporal（animmenseachievement），wishedhimGood-day。 \"Good-day，monsieur。\" \"Thisisaratherprettychildyouhavehere，\"saidMr。TheEnglishman，takingherchininhishand，andlookingdownintoherastonishedblueeyes。 \"Monsieur，sheisaveryprettychild，\"returnedtheCorporal，withastressonhispolitecorrectionofthephrase。 \"Andgood？\"saidtheEnglishman。 \"Andverygood。Poorlittlething！\" \"Hah！\"TheEnglishmanstoopeddownandpattedhercheek，notwithoutawkwardness，asifheweregoingtoofarinhisconciliation。\"Andwhatisthismedalroundyourneck，mylittleone？\" Bebellehavingnootherreplyonherlipsthanherchubbyrightfist，theCorporalofferedhisservicesasinterpreter。 \"Monsieurdemands，whatisthis，Bebelle？\" \"ItistheHolyVirgin，\"saidBebelle。 \"Andwhogaveityou？\"askedtheEnglishman。 \"Theophile。\" \"AndwhoisTheophile？\" Bebellebrokeintoalaugh，laughedmerrilyandheartily，clappedherchubbyhands，andbeatherlittlefeetonthestonepavementofthePlace。 \"Hedoesn’tknowTheophile！Why，hedoesn’tknowanyone！Hedoesn’tknowanything！\"Then，sensibleofasmallsolecisminhermanners，BebelletwistedherrighthandinalegoftheCorporal’sBloomertrousers，and，layinghercheekagainsttheplace，kissedit。 \"MonsieurTheophile，Ibelieve？\"saidtheEnglishmantotheCorporal。 \"ItisI，monsieur。\" \"Permitme。\"Mr。TheEnglishmanshookhimheartilybythehandandturnedaway。ButhetookitmightyillthatoldMonsieurMutuelinhispatchofsunlight，uponwhomhecameasheturned，shouldpulloffhiscaptohimwithalookofpleasedapproval。Andhemuttered，inhisowntongue，ashereturnedthesalutation，\"Well，walnut-shell！AndwhatbusinessisitofYOURS？\" Mr。TheEnglishmanwentonformanyweekspassingbutdisturbedeveningsandworsenights，andconstantlyexperiencingthatthoseaforesaidwindowsinthehousesofMemoryandMercyrattledafterdark，andthathehadveryimperfectlynailedthemup。Likewise，hewentonformanyweeksdailyimprovingtheacquaintanceoftheCorporalandBebelle。Thatistosay，hetookBebellebythechin，andtheCorporalbythehand，andofferedBebellesousandtheCorporalcigars，andevengotthelengthofchangingpipeswiththeCorporalandkissingBebelle。Buthediditallinashamefacedway，andalwaystookitextremelyillthatMonsieurMutuelinhispatchofsunlightshouldnotewhathedid。Wheneverthatseemedtobethecase，healwaysgrowledinhisowntongue，\"Thereyouareagain，walnut-shell！Whatbusinessisitofyours？\" Inaword，ithadbecometheoccupationofMr。TheEnglishman’slifetolookaftertheCorporalandlittleBebelle，andtoresentoldMonsieurMutuel’slookingafterHIM。Anoccupationonlyvariedbyafireinthetownonewindynight，andmuchpassingofwater-bucketsfromhandtohand（inwhichtheEnglishmanrenderedgoodservice），andmuchbeatingofdrums，——whenallofasuddentheCorporaldisappeared。 Next，allofasudden，Bebelledisappeared。 ShehadbeenvisibleafewdayslaterthantheCorporal，——sadlydeterioratedastowashingandbrushing，——butshehadnotspokenwhenaddressedbyMr。TheEnglishman，andhadlookedscaredandhadrunaway。Andnowitwouldseemthatshehadrunawayforgood。 AndtherelaytheGreatPlaceunderthewindows，bareandbarren。