第2章

类别:其他 作者:Joseph Conrad字数:17461更新时间:19/01/04 11:20:17
Afterscoringovermycalmnessinthisgraphicwayhenoddedwisely。 IfIhadseenthesight,heassuredme,IwouldneverforgetitaslongasIlived。Theweatherwastoobadtogivethecorpseaproperseaburial。 Sonextdayatdawntheytookituponthepoop,coveringitsfacewithabitofbunting;hereadashortprayer,andthen,justasitwas,initsoilskinsandlongboots,theylauncheditamongstthosemountainousseasthatseemedreadyeverymomenttoswallowuptheshipherselfandtheterrifiedlivesonboardofher。 \"Thatreefedforesailsavedyou,\"Ithrewin。 \"UnderGod——itdid,\"heexclaimedfervently。\"Itwasbyaspecialmercy,Ifirmlybelieve,thatitstoodsomeofthosehurricanesqualls。\" \"Itwasthesettingofthatsailwhich——\"Ibegan。 \"God’sownhandinit,\"heinterruptedme。\"Nothinglesscouldhavedoneit。 Idon’tmindtellingyouthatIhardlydaredgivetheorder。 Itseemedimpossiblethatwecouldtouchanythingwithoutlosingit,andthenourlasthopewouldhavebeengone。\" Theterrorofthatgalewasonhimyet。Ilethimgoonforabit,thensaid,casually——asifreturningtoaminorsubject: \"Youwereveryanxioustogiveupyourmatetotheshorepeople,Ibelieve?\" Hewas。Tothelaw。Hisobscuretenacityonthatpointhadinitsomethingincomprehensibleandalittleawful;something,asitwere,mystical,quiteapartfromhisanxietythatheshouldnotbesuspectedof\"countenancinganydoingsofthatsort。\" Seven-and-thirtyvirtuousyearsatsea,ofwhichovertwentyofimmaculatecommand,andthelastfifteenintheSephora,seemedtohavelaidhimundersomepitilessobligation。 \"Andyouknow,\"hewenton,gropingshame-facedlyamongsthisfeelings,\"Ididnotengagethatyoungfellow。Hispeoplehadsomeinterestwithmyowners。Iwasinawayforcedtotakehimon。 Helookedverysmart,verygentlemanly,andallthat。 Butdoyouknow——Ineverlikedhim,somehow。Iamaplainman。 Yousee,hewasn’texactlythesortforthechiefmateofashipliketheSephora。\" IhadbecomesoconnectedinthoughtsandimpressionswiththesecretsharerofmycabinthatIfeltasifI,personally,werebeinggiventounderstandthatI,too,wasnotthesortthatwouldhavedoneforthechiefmateofashipliketheSephora。 Ihadnodoubtofitinmymind。 \"Notatallthestyleofman。Youunderstand,\"heinsisted,superfluously,lookinghardatme。 Ismiledurbanely。Heseemedatalossforawhile。 \"IsupposeImustreportasuicide。\" \"Begpardon?\" \"Suicide!That’swhatI’llhavetowritetomyownersdirectlyIgetin。\" \"Unlessyoumanagetorecoverhimbeforetomorrow,\" Iassented,dispassionately……\"Imean,alive。\" HemumbledsomethingwhichIreallydidnotcatch,andIturnedmyeartohiminapuzzledmanner。Hefairlybawled: \"Theland——Isay,themainlandisatleastsevenmilesoffmyanchorage。\" \"Aboutthat。\" Mylackofexcitement,ofcuriosity,ofsurprise,ofanysortofpronouncedinterest,begantoarousehisdistrust。 ButexceptforthefelicitouspretenseofdeafnessIhadnottriedtopretendanything。Ihadfeltutterlyincapableofplayingthepartofignoranceproperly,andthereforewasafraidtotry。 Itisalsocertainthathehadbroughtsomeready-madesuspicionswithhim,andthatheviewedmypolitenessasastrangeandunnaturalphenomenon。AndyethowelsecouldIhavereceivedhim? Notheartily!Thatwasimpossibleforpsychologicalreasons,whichIneednotstatehere。Myonlyobjectwastokeepoffhisinquiries。Surlily?Yes,butsurlinessmighthaveprovokedapoint-blankquestion。Fromitsnoveltytohimandfromitsnature,punctiliouscourtesywasthemannerbestcalculatedtorestraintheman。 Buttherewasthedangerofhisbreakingthroughmydefensebluntly。 Icouldnot,Ithink,havemethimbyadirectlie,alsoforpsychological(notmoral)reasons。IfhehadonlyknownhowafraidIwasofhisputtingmyfeelingofidentitywiththeothertothetest! But,strangelyenough——(Ithoughtofitonlyafterwards)—— Ibelievethathewasnotalittledisconcertedbythereversesideofthatweirdsituation,bysomethinginmethatremindedhimofthemanhewasseeking——suggestedamysterioussimilitudetotheyoungfellowhehaddistrustedanddislikedfromthefirst。 Howeverthatmighthavebeen,thesilencewasnotveryprolonged。 Hetookanotherobliquestep。 \"IreckonIhadnomorethanatwo-milepulltoyourship。 Notabitmore。\" \"Andquiteenough,too,inthisawfulheat,\"Isaid。 Anotherpausefullofmistrustfollowed。Necessity,theysay,ismotherofinvention,butfear,too,isnotbarrenofingenioussuggestions。 AndIwasafraidhewouldaskmepoint-blankfornewsofmyotherself。 \"Nicelittlesaloon,isn’tit?\"Iremarked,asifnoticingforthefirsttimethewayhiseyesroamedfromonecloseddoortotheother。 \"Andverywellfittedout,too。Here,forinstance,\"Icontinued,reachingoverthebackofmyseatnegligentlyandflingingthedooropen,\"ismybathroom。\" Hemadeaneagermovement,buthardlygaveitaglance。 Igotup,shutthedoorofthebathroom,andinvitedhimtohavealookround,asifIwereveryproudofmyaccomodation。 Hehadtoriseandbeshownround,buthewentthroughthebusinesswithoutanyraptureswhatever。 \"Andnowwe’llhavealookatmystateroom,\"Ideclared,inavoiceasloudasIdaredtomakeit,crossingthecabintothestarboardsidewithpurposelyheavysteps。 Hefollowedmeinandgazedaround。Myintelligentdoublehadvanished。 Iplayedmypart。 \"Veryconvenient——isn’tit?\" Verynice。Verycomf……\"Hedidn’tfinishandwentoutbrusquelyasiftoescapefromsomeunrighteouswilesofmine。 Butitwasnottobe。Ihadbeentoofrightenednottofeelvengeful; IfeltIhadhimontherun,andImeanttokeephimontherun。 Mypoliteinsistencemusthavehadsomethingmenacinginit,becausehegaveinsuddenly。AndIdidnotlethimoffasingleitem; mate’sroom,pantry,storerooms,theverysaillockerwhichwasalsounderthepoop——hehadtolookintothemall。WhenatlastI showedhimoutonthequarter-deckhedrewalong,spiritlesssigh,andmumbleddismallythathemustreallybegoingbacktohisshipnow。 Idesiredmymate,whohadjoinedus,toseetothecaptain’sboat。 Themanofwhiskersgaveablastonthewhistlewhichheusedtowearhangingroundhisneck,andyelled,\"Sephora’saway!\" Mydoubledownthereinmycabinmusthaveheard,andcertainlycouldnotfeelmorerelievedthanI。Fourfellowscamerunningoutfromsomewhereforwardandwentovertheside,whilemyownmen,appearingondecktoo,linedtherail。Iescortedmyvisitortothegangwayceremoniously,andnearlyoverdidit。 Hewasatenaciousbeast。Ontheveryladderhelingered,andinthatunique,guiltilyconscientiousmannerofstickingtothepoint: \"Isay……you……youdon’tthinkthat——\" Icoveredhisvoiceloudly: \"Certainlynot……Iamdelighted。Good-by。\" Ihadanideaofwhathemeanttosay,andjustsavedmyselfbytheprivilegeofdefectivehearing。Hewastooshakengenerallytoinsist,butmymate,closewitnessofthatparting,lookedmystifiedandhisfacetookonathoughtfulcast。 AsIdidnotwanttoappearasifIwishedtoavoidallcommunicationwithmyofficers,hehadtheopportunitytoaddressme。 \"Seemsaveryniceman。Hisboat’screwtoldourchapsaveryextraordinarystory,ifwhatIamtoldbythestewardistrue。 Isupposeyouhaditfromthecaptain,sir?\" \"Yes。Ihadastoryfromthecaptain。\" \"Averyhorribleaffair——isn’tit,sir?\" \"Itis。\" \"BeatsallthesetaleswehearaboutmurdersinYankeeships。\" \"Idon’tthinkitbeatsthem。Idon’tthinkitresemblesthemintheleast。\" \"Blessmysoul——youdon’tsayso!ButofcourseI’venoacquaintancewhateverwithAmericanships,notIsoIcouldn’tgoagainstyourknowledge。It’shorribleenoughforme……Butthequeerestpartisthatthosefellowsseemedtohavesomeideathemanwashiddenaboardhere。Theyhadreally。 Didyoueverhearofsuchathing?\" \"Preposterous——isn’tit?\" Wewerewalkingtoandfroathwartthequarter-deck。Nooneofthecrewforwardcouldbeseen(thedaywasSunday),andthematepursued: \"Therewassomelittledisputeaboutit。Ourchapstookoffense。 `Asifwewouldharborathinglikethat,’theysaid。 `Wouldn’tyouliketolookforhiminourcoal-hole?’Quiteatiff。 Buttheymadeitupintheend。Isupposehediddrownhimself。 Don’tyou,sir?\" \"Idon’tsupposeanything。\" \"Youhavenodoubtinthematter,sir?\" \"Nonewhatever。\" Ilefthimsuddenly。IfeltIwasproducingabadimpression,butwithmydoubledownthereitwasmosttryingtobeondeck。Anditwasalmostastryingtobebelow。Altogetheranerve-tryingsituation。 ButonthewholeIfeltlesstornintwowhenIwaswithhim。 TherewasnooneinthewholeshipwhomIdaredtakeintomyconfidence。Sincethehandshadgottoknowhisstory,itwouldhavebeenimpossibletopasshimoffforanyoneelse,andanaccidentaldiscoverywastobedreadednowmorethanever…… Thestewardbeingengagedinlayingthetablefordinner,wecouldtalkonlywithoureyeswhenIfirstwentdown。 Laterintheafternoonwehadacautioustryatwhispering。 TheSundayquietnessoftheshipwasagainstus;thestillnessofairandwateraroundherwasagainstus;theelements,themenwereagainstus——everythingwasagainstusinoursecretpartnership;timeitself——forthiscouldnotgoonforever。 TheverytrustinProvidencewas,Isuppose,deniedtohisguilt。 ShallIconfessthatthisthoughtcastmedownverymuch? Andastothechapterofaccidentswhichcountsforsomuchinthebookofsuccess,Icouldonlyhopethatitwasclosed。 Forwhatfavorableaccidentcouldbeexpected? \"Didyouheareverything?\"weremyfirstwordsassoonaswetookupourpositionsidebyside,leaningovermybedplace。 Hehad。Andtheproofofitwashisearnestwhisper,\"Themantoldyouhehardlydaredtogivetheorder。\" Iunderstoodthereferencetobetothatsavingforesail。 \"Yes。Hewasafraidofitbeinglostinthesetting。\" \"Iassureyouhenevergavetheorder。Hemaythinkhedid,buthenevergaveit。Hestoodtherewithmeonthebreakofthepoopafterthemaintopsailblewaway,andwhimperedaboutourlasthope—— positivelywhimperedaboutitandnothingelse——andthenightcomingon! Tohearone’sskippergoonlikethatinsuchweatherwasenoughtodriveanyfellowoutofhismind。Itworkedmeupintoasortofdesperation。Ijusttookitintomyownhandsandwentawayfromhim,boiling,and——Butwhat’stheusetellingyou? YOUknow!……DoyouthinkthatifIhadnotbeenprettyfiercewiththemIshouldhavegotthementodoanything?NotIt! Thebo’s’nperhaps?Perhaps!Itwasn’taheavysea——itwasaseagonemad!Isupposetheendoftheworldwillbesomethinglikethat; andamanmayhavethehearttoseeitcomingonceandbedonewithit—— buttohavetofaceitdayafterday——Idon’tblameanybody。 Iwaspreciouslittlebetterthantherest。Only——Iwasanofficerofthatoldcoalwagon,anyhow——\" \"Iquiteunderstand,\"Iconveyedthatsincereassuranceintohisear。 Hewasoutofbreathwithwhispering;Icouldhearhimpantslightly。 Itwasallverysimple。Thesamestrung-upforcewhichhadgiventwenty-fourmenachance,atleast,fortheirlives,had,inasortofrecoil,crushedanunworthymutinousexistence。 ButIhadnoleisuretoweighthemeritsofthematter—— footstepsinthesaloon,aheavyknock。\"There’senoughwindtogetunderwaywith,sir。\"Herewasthecallofanewclaimuponmythoughtsandevenuponmyfeelings。 \"Turnthehandsup,\"Icriedthroughthedoor。\"I’llbeondeckdirectly。\" Iwasgoingouttomaketheacquaintanceofmyship。 BeforeIleftthecabinoureyesmet——theeyesoftheonlytwostrangersonboard。Ipointedtotherecessedpartwherethelittlecampstoolawaitedhimandlaidmyfingeronmylips。 Hemadeagesture——somewhatvague——alittlemysterious,accompaniedbyafaintsmile,asifofregret。 Thisisnottheplacetoenlargeuponthesensationsofamanwhofeelsforthefirsttimeashipmoveunderhisfeettohisownindependentword。Inmycasetheywerenotunalloyed。 Iwasnotwhollyalonewithmycommand;fortherewasthatstrangerinmycabin。Orrather,Iwasnotcompletelyandwhollywithher。 Partofmewasabsent。Thatmentalfeelingofbeingintwoplacesatonceaffectedmephysicallyasifthemoodofsecrecyhadpenetratedmyverysoul。Beforeanhourhadelapsedsincetheshiphadbeguntomove,havingoccasiontoaskthemate(hestoodbymyside)totakeacompassbearingofthepagoda,Icaughtmyselfreachinguptohisearinwhispers。 IsayIcaughtmyself,butenoughhadescapedtostartletheman。 Ican’tdescribeitotherwisethanbysayingthatheshied。 Agrave,preoccupiedmanner,asthoughhewereinpossessionofsomeperplexingintelligence,didnotleavehimhenceforth。 AlittlelaterImovedawayfromtherailtolookatthecompasswithsuchastealthygaitthatthehelmsmannoticedit—— andIcouldnothelpnoticingtheunusualroundnessofhiseyes。 Thesearetriflinginstances,thoughit’stonocommander’sadvantagetobesuspectedofludicrouseccentricities。 ButIwasalsomoreseriouslyaffected。Therearetoaseamancertainwords,gestures,thatshouldingivenconditionscomeasnaturally,asinstinctivelyasthewinkingofamenacedeye。 Acertainordershouldspringontohislipswithoutthinking; acertainsignshouldgetitselfmade,sotospeak,withoutreflection。Butallunconsciousalertnesshadabandonedme。 Ihadtomakeaneffortofwilltorecallmyselfback(fromthecabin)totheconditionsofthemoment。 IfeltthatIwasappearinganirresolutecommandertothosepeoplewhowerewatchingmemoreorlesscritically。 And,besides,therewerethescares。Ontheseconddayout,forinstance,comingoffthedeckintheafternoon(Ihadstrawslippersonmybarefeet)Istoppedattheopenpantrydoorandspoketothesteward。Hewasdoingsomethingtherewithhisbacktome。 Atthesoundofmyvoicehenearlyjumpedoutofhisskin,asthesayingis,andincidentallybrokeacup。 \"Whatonearth’sthematterwithyou?\"Iasked,astonished。 Hewasextremelyconfused。\"Begyourpardon,sir。Imadesureyouwereinyourcabin。\" \"YouseeIwasn’t。\" \"No,sir。IcouldhaveswornIhadheardyoumovingintherenotamomentago。It’smostextraordinary……verysorry,sir。\" Ipassedonwithaninwardshudder。IwassoidentifiedwithmysecretdoublethatIdidnotevenmentionthefactinthosescanty,fearfulwhispersweexchanged。 Isupposehehadmadesomeslightnoiseofsomekindorother。 Itwouldhavebeenmiraculousifhehadn’tatonetimeoranother。 Andyet,haggardasheappeared,helookedalwaysperfectlyself-controlled,morethancalm——almostinvulnerable。 Onmysuggestionheremainedalmostentirelyinthebathroom,which,uponthewhole,wasthesafestplace。 Therecouldbereallynoshadowofanexcuseforanyoneeverwantingtogointhere,oncethestewardhaddonewithit。 Itwasaverytinyplace。Sometimeshereclinedonthefloor,hislegsbent,hisheadsustainedononeelbow。 AtothersIwouldfindhimonthecampstool,sittinginhisgraysleepingsuitandwithhiscroppeddarkhairlikeapatient,unmovedconvict。AtnightIwouldsmugglehimintomybedplace,andwewouldwhispertogether,withtheregularfootfallsoftheofficerofthewatchpassingandrepassingoverourheads。 Itwasaninfinitelymiserabletime。Itwasluckythatsometinsoffinepreserveswerestowedinalockerinmystateroom; hardbreadIcouldalwaysgetholdof;andsohelivedonstewedchicken,PATEDEFOIEGRAS,asparagus,cookedoysters,sardines—— onallsortsofabominableshamdelicaciesoutoftins。 Myearly-morningcoffeehealwaysdrank;anditwasallI dareddoforhiminthatrespect。 Everydaytherewasthehorriblemaneuveringtogothroughsothatmyroomandthenthebathroomshouldbedoneintheusualway。Icametohatethesightofthesteward,toabhorthevoiceofthatharmlessman。 Ifeltthatitwashewhowouldbringonthedisasterofdiscovery。 Ithunglikeaswordoverourheads。 Thefourthdayout,Ithink(wewerethenworkingdowntheeastsideoftheGulfofSiam,tackfortack,inlightwindsandsmoothwater)—— thefourthday,Isay,ofthismiserablejugglingwiththeunavoidable,aswesatatoureveningmeal,thatman,whoseslightestmovementIdreaded,afterputtingdownthedishesranupondeckbusily。 Thiscouldnotbedangerous。Presentlyhecamedownagain; andthenitappearedthathehadrememberedacoatofminewhichIhadthrownoverarailtodryafterhavingbeenwettedinashowerwhichhadpassedovertheshipintheafternoon。 SittingstolidlyattheheadofthetableIbecameterrifiedatthesightofthegarmentonhisarm。Ofcoursehemadeformydoor。 Therewasnotimetolose。 \"Steward,\"Ithundered。MynervesweresoshakenthatI couldnotgovernmyvoiceandconcealmyagitation。 Thiswasthesortofthingthatmademyterrificallywhiskeredmatetaphisforeheadwithhisforefinger。 Ihaddetectedhimusingthatgesturewhiletalkingondeckwithaconfidentialairtothecarpenter。Itwastoofartohearaword,butIhadnodoubtthatthispantomimecouldonlyrefertothestrangenewcaptain。 \"Yes,sir,\"thepale-facedstewardturnedresignedlytome。 Itwasthismaddeningcourseofbeingshoutedat,checkedwithoutrhymeorreason,arbitrarilychasedoutofmycabin,suddenlycalledintoit,sentflyingoutofhispantryonincomprehensibleerrands,thataccountedforthegrowingwretchednessofhisexpression。 \"Whereareyougoingwiththatcoat?\" \"Toyourroom,sir。\" \"Isthereanothershowercoming?\" \"I’msureIdon’tknow,sir。ShallIgoupagainandsee,sir?\" \"No!nevermind。\" Myobjectwasattained,asofcoursemyotherselfintherewouldhaveheardeverythingthatpassed。Duringthisinterludemytwoofficersneverraisedtheireyesofftheirrespectiveplates;butthelipofthatconfoundedcub,thesecondmate,quiveredvisibly。 Iexpectedthestewardtohookmycoatonandcomeoutatonce。 Hewasveryslowaboutit;butIdominatedmynervousnesssufficientlynottoshoutafterhim。SuddenlyIbecameaware(itcouldbeheardplainlyenough)thatthefellowforsomereasonorotherwasopeningthedoorofthebathroom。Itwastheend。 Theplacewasliterallynotbigenoughtoswingacatin。 MyvoicediedinmythroatandIwentstonyallover。 Iexpectedtohearayellofsurpriseandterror,andmadeamovement,buthadnotthestrengthtogetonmylegs。 Everythingremainedstill。Hadmysecondselftakenthepoorwretchbythethroat?Idon’tknowwhatIcouldhavedonenextmomentifIhadnotseenthestewardcomeoutofmyroom,closethedoor,andthenstandquietlybythesideboard。 \"Saved,\"Ithought。\"But,no!Lost!Gone!Hewasgone!\" Ilaidmyknifeandforkdownandleanedbackinmychair。Myheadswam。 Afterawhile,whensufficientlyrecoveredtospeakinasteadyvoice,Iinstructedmymatetoputtheshiproundateighto’clockhimself。 \"Iwon’tcomeondeck,\"Iwenton。\"IthinkI’llturnin,andunlessthewindshiftsIdon’twanttobedisturbedbeforemidnight。 Ifeelabitseedy。\" \"Youdidlookmiddlingbadalittlewhileago,\"thechiefmateremarkedwithoutshowinganygreatconcern。 Theybothwentout,andIstaredatthestewardclearingthetable。 Therewasnothingtobereadonthatwretchedman’sface。 Butwhydidheavoidmyeyes,Iaskedmyself。ThenIthoughtI shouldliketohearthesoundofhisvoice。 \"Steward!\" \"Sir!\"Startledasusual。 \"Wheredidyouhangupthatcoat?\" \"Inthebathroom,sir。\"Theusualanxioustone。 \"It’snotquitedryyet,sir。\" ForsometimelongerIsatinthecuddy。Hadmydoublevanishedashehadcome?Butofhiscomingtherewasanexplanation,whereashisdisappearancewouldbeinexplicable……Iwentslowlyintomydarkroom,shutthedoor,lightedthelamp,andforatimedarednotturnround。WhenatlastIdidI sawhimstandingbolt-uprightinthenarrowrecessedpart。 ItwouldnotbetruetosayIhadashock,butanirresistibledoubtofhisbodilyexistenceflittedthroughmymind。 Canitbe,Iaskedmyself,thatheisnotvisibletoothereyesthanmine?Itwaslikebeinghaunted。Motionless,withagraveface,heraisedhishandsslightlyatmeinagesturewhichmeantclearly,\"Heavens!whatanarrowescape!\" Narrowindeed。IthinkIhadcomecreepingquietlyasnearinsanityasanymanwhohasnotactuallygoneovertheborder。 Thatgesturerestrainedme,sotospeak。 Thematewiththeterrificwhiskerswasnowputtingtheshipontheothertack。InthemomentofprofoundsilencewhichfollowsuponthehandsgoingtotheirstationsIheardonthepoophisraisedvoice:\"Hardalee!\"andthedistantshoutoftheorderrepeatedonthemain-deck。Thesails,inthatlightbreeze,madebutafaintflutteringnoise。 Itceased。Theshipwascomingroundslowly:Iheldmybreathintherenewedstillnessofexpectation;onewouldn’thavethoughtthattherewasasinglelivingsoulonherdecks。 Asuddenbriskshout,\"Mainsailhaul!\"brokethespell,andinthenoisycriesandrushoverheadofthemenrunningawaywiththemainbracewetwo,downinmycabin,cametogetherinourusualpositionbythebedplace。 Hedidnotwaitformyquestion。\"Iheardhimfumblinghereandjustmanagedtosquatmyselfdowninthebath,\"hewhisperedtome。 \"Thefellowonlyopenedthedoorandputhisarmintohangthecoatup。 Allthesame——\" \"Ineverthoughtofthat,\"Iwhisperedback,evenmoreappalledthanbeforeattheclosenessoftheshave,andmarvelingatthatsomethingunyieldinginhischaracterwhichwascarryinghimthroughsofinely。Therewasnoagitationinhiswhisper。 Whoeverwasbeingdrivendistracted,itwasnothe。Hewassane。 Andtheproofofhissanitywascontinuedwhenhetookupthewhisperingagain。 \"Itwouldneverdoformetocometolifeagain。\" Itwassomethingthataghostmighthavesaid。Butwhathewasalludingtowashisoldcaptain’sreluctantadmissionofthetheoryofsuicide。 Itwouldobviouslyservehisturn——ifIhadunderstoodatalltheviewwhichseemedtogoverntheunalterablepurposeofhisaction。 \"YoumustmaroonmeassoonaseveryoucangetamongsttheseislandsofftheCambodgeshore,\"hewenton。 \"Maroonyou!Wearenotlivinginaboy’sadventuretale,\"Iprotested。 Hisscornfulwhisperingtookmeup。 \"Wearen’tindeed!There’snothingofaboy’staleinthis。 Butthere’snothingelseforit。Iwantnomore。 Youdon’tsupposeIamafraidofwhatcanbedonetome? Prisonorgallowsorwhatevertheymayplease。 Butyoudon’tseemecomingbacktoexplainsuchthingstoanoldfellowinawigandtwelverespectabletradesmen,doyou?WhatcantheyknowwhetherIamguiltyornot—— orofWHATIamguilty,either?That’smyaffair。 WhatdoestheBiblesay?`Drivenoffthefaceoftheearth。’ Verywell,Iamoffthefaceoftheearthnow。AsIcameatnightsoIshallgo。\" \"Impossible!\"Imurmured。\"Youcan’t。\" \"Can’t?……NotnakedlikeasoulontheDayofJudgment。 Ishallfreezeontothissleepingsuit。TheLastDayisnotyet—— and……youhaveunderstoodthoroughly。Didn’tyou?\" Ifeltsuddenlyashamedofmyself。ImaysaytrulythatIunderstood—— andmyhesitationinlettingthatmanswimawayfrommyship’ssidehadbeenamereshamsentiment,asortofcowardice。 \"Itcan’tbedonenowtillnextnight,\"Ibreathedout。 \"Theshipisontheoff-shoretackandthewindmayfailus。\" \"AslongasIknowthatyouunderstand,\"hewhispered。 \"Butofcourseyoudo。It’sagreatsatisfactiontohavegotsomebodytounderstand。Youseemtohavebeenthereonpurpose。\" Andinthesamewhisper,asifwetwowheneverwetalkedhadtosaythingstoeachotherwhichwerenotfitfortheworldtohear,headded,\"It’sverywonderful。\" Weremainedsidebysidetalkinginoursecretway—— butsometimessilentorjustexchangingawhisperedwordortwoatlongintervals。Andasusualhestaredthroughtheport。 Abreathofwindcamenowandagainintoourfaces。 Theshipmighthavebeenmooredindock,sogentlyandonanevenkeelsheslippedthroughthewater,thatdidnotmurmurevenatourpassage,shadowyandsilentlikeaphantomsea。 AtmidnightIwentondeck,andtomymate’sgreatsurpriseputtheshiproundontheothertack。 Histerriblewhiskersflittedroundmeinsilentcriticism。 Icertainlyshouldnothavedoneitifithadbeenonlyaquestionofgettingoutofthatsleepygulfasquicklyaspossible。 Ibelievehetoldthesecondmate,whorelievedhim,thatitwasagreatwantofjudgment。Theotheronlyyawned。 Thatintolerablecubshuffledaboutsosleepilyandlolledagainsttherailsinsuchaslack,improperfashionthatI camedownonhimsharply。 \"Aren’tyouproperlyawakeyet?\" \"Yes,sir!Iamawake。\" \"Well,then,begoodenoughtoholdyourselfasifyouwere。 Andkeepalookout。Ifthere’sanycurrentwe’llbeclosingwithsomeislandsbeforedaylight。\" Theeastsideofthegulfisfringedwithislands,somesolitary,othersingroups。Onethebluebackgroundofthehighcoasttheyseemtofloatonsilverypatchesofcalmwater,aridandgray,ordarkgreenandroundedlikeclumpsofevergreenbushes,withthelargerones,amileortwolong,showingtheoutlinesofridges,ribsofgrayrockunderthedarkmantleofmattedleafage。 Unknowntotrade,totravel,almosttogeography,themanneroflifetheyharborisanunsolvedsecret。Theremustbevillages—— settlementsoffishermenatleast——onthelargestofthem,andsomecommunicationwiththeworldisprobablykeptupbynativecraft。 Butallthatforenoon,asweheadedforthem,fannedalongbythefaintestofbreezes,IsawnosignofmanorcanoeinthefieldofthetelescopeIkeptonpointingatthescatteredgroup。 AtnoonIhavenoordersforachangeofcourse,andthemate’swhiskersbecamemuchconcernedandseemedtobeofferingthemselvesundulytomynotice。AtlastIsaid: \"Iamgoingtostandrightin。Quitein——asfarasIcantakeher。\" Thestareofextremesurpriseimpartedanairofferocityalsotohiseyes,andhelookedtrulyterrificforamoment。 \"We’renotdoingwellinthemiddleofthegulf,\"Icontinued,casually。 \"Iamgoingtolookforthelandbreezestonight。\" \"Blessmysoul!Doyoumean,sir,inthedarkamongstthelotofallthemislandsandreefsandshoals?\" \"Well——ifthereareanyregularlandbreezesatallonthiscoastonemustgetcloseinshoretofindthem,mustn’tone?\" \"Blessmysoul!\"heexclaimedagainunderhisbreath。 Allthatafternoonheworeadreamy,contemplativeappearancewhichinhimwasamarkofperplexity。AfterdinnerI wentintomystateroomasifImeanttotakesomerest。 Therewetwobentourdarkheadsoverahalf-unrolledchartlyingonmybed。 \"There,\"Isaid。\"It’sgottobeKoh-ring。I’vebeenlookingatiteversincesunrise。Ithasgottwohillsandalowpoint。 Itmustbeinhabited。Andonthecoastoppositethereiswhatlookslikethemouthofabiggishriver——withsometowns,nodoubt,notfarup。 It’sthebestchanceforyouthatIcansee。\" \"Anything。Koh-ringletitbe。\" Helookedthoughtfullyatthechartasifsurveyingchancesanddistancesfromaloftyheight——andfollowingwithhiseyeshisownfigurewanderingontheblanklandofCochin-China,andthenpassingoffthatpieceofpapercleanoutofsightintounchartedregions。 Anditwasasiftheshiphadtwocaptainstoplanhercourseforher。 IhadbeensoworriedandrestlessrunningupanddownthatI hadnothadthepatiencetodressthatday。Ihadremainedinmysleepingsuit,withstrawslippersandasoftfloppyhat。 Theclosenessoftheheatinthegulfhadbeenmostoppressive,andthecrewwereusedtoseeingmewanderinginthatairyattire。 \"Shewillclearthesouthpointassheheadsnow,\"Iwhisperedintohisear。 \"Goodnessonlyknowswhen,though,butcertainlyafterdark。 I’lledgeherintohalfamile,asfarasImaybeabletojudgeinthedark——\" \"Becareful,\"hemurmured,warningly——andIrealizedsuddenlythatallmyfuture,theonlyfutureforwhichIwasfit,wouldperhapsgoirretrievablytopiecesinanymishaptomyfirstcommand。 Icouldnotstopamomentlongerintheroom。Imotionedhimtogetoutofsightandmademywayonthepoop。Thatunplayfulcubhadthewatch。 Iwalkedupanddownforawhilethinkingthingsout,thenbeckonedhimover。 \"Sendacoupleofhandstoopenthetwoquarter-deckports,\" Isaid,mildly。 Heactuallyhadtheimpudence,orelsesoforgothimselfinhiswonderatsuchanincomprehensibleorder,astorepeat: \"Openthequarter-deckports!Whatfor,sir?\" \"TheonlyreasonyouneedconcernyourselfaboutisbecauseItellyoutodoso。Havethemopenwideandfastenedproperly。\" Hereddenedandwentoff,butIbelievemadesomejeeringremarktothecarpenterastothesensiblepracticeofventilatingaship’squarter-deck。Iknowhepoppedintothemate’scabintoimpartthefacttohimbecausethewhiskerscameondeck,asitwerebychance,andstoleglancesatmefrombelow—— forsignsoflunacyordrunkenness,Isuppose。 Alittlebeforesupper,feelingmorerestlessthanever,Irejoined,foramoment,mysecondself。Andtofindhimsittingsoquietlywassurprising,likesomethingagainstnature,inhuman。 Idevelopedmyplaninahurriedwhisper。 \"IshallstandinascloseasIdareandthenputherround。 Iwillpresentlyfindmeanstosmuggleyououtofhereintothesaillocker,whichcommunicateswiththelobby。 Butthereisanopening,asortofsquareforhaulingthesailsout,whichgivesstraightonthequarter-deckandwhichisneverclosedinfineweather,soastogiveairtothesails。 Whentheship’swayisdeadenedinstaysandallthehandsareaftatthemainbracesyouwillhaveaclearroadtoslipoutandgetoverboardthroughtheopenquarter-deckport。 I’vehadthembothfastenedup。Usearope’sendtoloweryourselfintothewatersoastoavoidasplash——youknow。 Itcouldbeheardandcausesomebeastlycomplication。\" Hekeptsilentforawhile,thenwhispered,\"Iunderstand。\" \"Iwon’tbetheretoseeyougo,\"Ibeganwithaneffort。 \"Therest……IonlyhopeIhaveunderstood,too。\" \"Youhave。Fromfirsttolast\"——andforthefirsttimethereseemedtobeafaltering,somethingstrainedinhiswhisper。 Hecaughtholdofmyarm,buttheringingofthesupperbellmademestart。Hedidn’tthough;heonlyreleasedhisgrip。 AftersupperIdidn’tcomebelowagaintillwellpasteighto’clock。Thefaint,steadybreezewasloadedwithdew;andthewet,darkenedsailsheldalltherewasofpropellingpowerinit。 Thenight,clearandstarry,sparkleddarkly,andtheopaque,lightlesspatchesshiftingslowlyagainstthelowstarswerethedriftingislets。Ontheportbowtherewasabigonemoredistantandshadowilyimposingbythegreatspaceofskyiteclipsed。 OnopeningthedoorIhadabackviewofmyveryownselflookingatachart。 Hehadcomeoutoftherecessandwasstandingnearthetable。 \"Quitedarkenough,\"Iwhispered。 Hesteppedbackandleanedagainstmybedwithalevel,quietglance。 Isatonthecouch。Wehadnothingtosaytoeachother。 Overourheadstheofficerofthewatchmovedhereandthere。 ThenIheardhimmovequickly。Iknewwhatthatmeant。 Hewasmakingforthecompanion;andpresentlyhisvoicewasoutsidemydoor。 \"Wearedrawinginprettyfast,sir。Landlooksratherclose。\" \"Verywell,\"Ianswered。\"Iamcomingondeckdirectly。\" Iwaitedtillhewasgoneoutofthecuddy,thenrose。Mydoublemovedtoo。 Thetimehadcometoexchangeourlastwhispers,forneitherofuswasevertoheareachother’snaturalvoice。 \"Lookhere!\"Iopenedadrawerandtookoutthreesovereigns。 \"Takethisanyhow。I’vegotsixandI’dgiveyouthelot,onlyImustkeepalittlemoneytobuysomefruitandvegetablesforthecrewfromnativeboatsaswegothroughSundaStraits。\" Heshookhishead。 \"Takeit,\"Iurgedhim,whisperingdesperately。 \"Noonecantellwhat——\" Hesmiledandslappedmeaninglytheonlypocketofthesleepingjacket。 Itwasnotsafe,certainly。ButIproducedalargeoldsilkhandkerchiefofmine,andtyingthethreepiecesofgoldinacorner,presseditonhim。 Hewastouched,Isupposed,becausehetookitatlastandtieditquicklyroundhiswaistunderthejacket,onhisbareskin。 Oureyesmet;severalsecondselapsed,till,ourglancesstillmingled,Iextendedmyhandandturnedthelampout。 ThenIpassedthroughthecuddy,leavingthedoorofmyroomwideopen……\"Steward!\" Hewasstilllingeringinthepantryinthegreatnessofhiszeal,givingarub-uptoaplatedcruetstandthelastthingbeforegoingtobed。 Beingcarefulnottowakeupthemate,whoseroomwasopposite,Ispokeinanundertone。 Helookedroundanxiously。\"Sir!\" \"Canyougetmealittlehotwaterfromthegalley?\" \"Iamafraid,sir,thegalleyfire’sbeenoutforsometimenow。\" \"Goandsee。\" Heflewupthestairs。 \"Now,\"Iwhispered,loudly,intothesaloon——tooloudly,perhaps,butIwasafraidIcouldn’tmakeasound。 Hewasbymysideinaninstant——thedoublecaptainslippedpastthestairs——throughatinydarkpassage……aslidingdoor。 Wewereinthesaillocker,scramblingonourkneesoverthesails。 Asuddenthoughtstruckme。Isawmyselfwanderingbarefooted,bareheaded,thesunbeatingonmydarkpoll。 Isnatchedoffmyfloppyhatandtriedhurriedlyinthedarktoramitonmyotherself。Hedodgedandfendedoffsilently。 Iwonderwhathethoughthadcometomebeforeheunderstoodandsuddenlydesisted。Ourhandsmetgropingly,lingeredunitedinasteady,motionlessclaspforasecond……Nowordwasbreathedbyeitherofuswhentheyseparated。 Iwasstandingquietlybythepantrydoorwhenthestewardreturned。 \"Sorry,sir。Kettlebarelywarm。ShallIlightthespiritlamp?\" \"Nevermind。\" Icameoutondeckslowly。Itwasnowamatterofconsciencetoshavethelandascloseaspossible——fornowhemustgooverboardwhenevertheshipwasputinstays。Must!Therecouldbenogoingbackforhim。AfteramomentIwalkedovertoleewardandmyheartflewintomymouthatthenearnessofthelandonthebow。 UnderanyothercircumstancesIwouldnothaveheldonaminutelonger。 Thesecondmatehadfollowedmeanxiously。 IlookedontillIfeltIcouldcommandmyvoice。 \"Shewillweather,\"Isaidtheninaquiettone。 \"Areyougoingtotrythat,sir?\"hestammeredoutincredulously。 Itooknonoticeofhimandraisedmytonejustenoughtobeheardbythehelmsman。 \"Keephergoodfull。\" \"Goodfull,sir。\" Thewindfannedmycheek,thesailsslept,theworldwassilent。 Thestrainofwatchingthedarkloomofthelandgrowbiggeranddenserwastoomuchforme。Ihadshutmyeyes——becausetheshipmustgocloser。 Shemust!Thestillnesswasintolerable。Werewestandingstill? WhenIopenedmyeyesthesecondviewstartedmyheartwithathump。 TheblacksouthernhillofKoh-ringseemedtohangrightovertheshiplikeatoweringfragmentofeverlastingnight。 Onthatenormousmassofblacknesstherewasnotagleamtobeseen,notasoundtobeheard。Itwasglidingirresistiblytowardsusandyetseemedalreadywithinreachofthehand。 Isawthevaguefiguresofthewatchgroupedinthewaist,gazinginawedsilence。 \"Areyougoingon,sir?\"inquiredanunsteadyvoiceatmyelbow。 Iignoredit。Ihadtogoon。 \"Keepherfull。Don’tcheckherway。Thatwon’tdonow,\" Isaidwarningly。 \"Ican’tseethesailsverywell,\"thehelmsmanansweredme,instrange,quaveringtones。 Wasshecloseenough?Alreadyshewas,Iwon’tsayintheshadowoftheland,butintheveryblacknessofit,alreadyswallowedupasitwere,gonetooclosetoberecalled,gonefrommealtogether。 \"Givethemateacall,\"Isaidtotheyoungmanwhostoodatmyelbowasstillasdeath。\"Andturnallhandsup。\" Mytonehadaborrowedloudnessreverberatedfromtheheightoftheland。 Severalvoicescriedouttogether:\"Weareallondeck,sir。\" Thenstillnessagain,withthegreatshadowglidingcloser,toweringhigher,withoutalight,withoutasound。 SuchahushhadfallenontheshipthatshemighthavebeenabarkofthedeadfloatinginslowlyundertheverygateofErebus。 \"MyGod!Wherearewe?\" Itwasthematemoaningatmyelbow。Hewasthunderstruck,andasitweredeprivedofthemoralsupportofhiswhiskers。 Heclappedhishandsandabsolutelycriedout,\"Lost!\" \"Bequiet,\"Isaid,sternly。 Heloweredhistone,butIsawtheshadowygestureofhisdespair。 \"Whatarewedoinghere?\" \"Lookingforthelandwind。\" Hemadeasiftotearhishair,andaddressedmerecklessly。 \"Shewillnevergetout。Youhavedoneit,sir。Iknewit’dendinsomethinglikethis。Shewillneverweather,andyouaretooclosenowtostay。 She’lldriftashorebeforeshe’sround。OmyGod!\" Icaughthisarmashewasraisingittobatterhispoordevotedhead,andshookitviolently。 \"She’sashorealready,\"hewailed,tryingtotearhimselfaway。 \"Isshe?……Keepgoodfullthere!\" \"Goodfull,sir,\"criedthehelmsmaninafrightened,thin,childlikevoice。 Ihadn’tletgothemate’sarmandwentonshakingit。\"Readyabout,doyouhear?Yougoforward\"——shake——\"andstopthere\"——shake——\"andholdyournoise\"——shake——\"andseethesehead-sheetsproperlyoverhauled\"—— shake,shake——shake。 AndallthetimeIdarednotlooktowardsthelandlestmyheartshouldfailme。Ireleasedmygripatlastandheranforwardasiffleeingfordearlife。 Iwonderedwhatmydoublethereinthesaillockerthoughtofthiscommotion。Hewasabletoheareverything——andperhapshewasabletounderstandwhy,onmyconscience,ithadtobethusclose——noless。 Myfirstorder\"Hardalee!\"re-echoedominouslyunderthetoweringshadowofKoh-ringasifIhadshoutedinamountaingorge。 AndthenIwatchedthelandintently。Inthatsmoothwaterandlightwinditwasimpossibletofeeltheshipcoming-to。No! Icouldnotfeelher。Andmysecondselfwasmakingnowreadytoshipoutandlowerhimselfoverboard。Perhapshewasgonealready……? Thegreatblackmassbroodingoverourverymastheadsbegantopivotawayfromtheship’ssidesilently。AndnowIforgotthesecretstrangerreadytodepart,andrememberedonlythatIwasatotalstrangertotheship。 Ididnotknowher。Wouldshedoit?Howwasshetobehandled? Iswungthemainyardandwaitedhelplessly。Shewasperhapsstopped,andherveryfatehunginthebalance,withtheblackmassofKoh-ringlikethegateoftheeverlastingnighttoweringoverhertaffrail。Whatwouldshedonow?Hadshewayonheryet? Isteppedtothesideswiftly,andontheshadowywaterIcouldseenothingexceptafaintphosphorescentflashrevealingtheglassysmoothnessofthesleepingsurface。Itwasimpossibletotell—— andIhadnotlearnedyetthefeelofmyship。Wasshemoving? WhatIneededwassomethingeasilyseen,apieceofpaper,whichIcouldthrowoverboardandwatch。Ihadnothingonme。 TorundownforitIdidn’tdare。Therewasnotime。 Allatoncemystrained,yearningstaredistinguishedawhiteobjectfloatingwithinayardoftheship’sside。 Whiteontheblackwater。Aphosphorescentflashpassedunderit。 Whatwasthatthing?……Irecognizedmyownfloppyhat。 Itmusthavefallenoffhishead……andhedidn’tbother。 NowIhadwhatIwanted——thesavingmarkformyeyes。 ButIhardlythoughtofmyotherself,nowgonefromtheship,tobehiddenforeverfromallfriendlyfaces,tobeafugitiveandavagabondontheearth,withnobrandofthecurseonhissaneforeheadtostayaslayinghand……tooproudtoexplain。 AndIwatchedthehat——theexpressionofmysuddenpityforhismereflesh。 Ithadbeenmeanttosavehishomelessheadfromthedangersofthesun。 Andnow——behold——itwassavingtheship,byservingmeforamarktohelpouttheignoranceofmystrangeness。Ha!Itwasdriftingforward,warningmejustintimethattheshiphadgatheredsternaway。 \"Shiftthehelm,\"Isaidinalowvoicetotheseamanstandingstilllikeastatue。 Theman’seyesglistenedwildlyinthebinnaclelightashejumpedroundtotheothersideandspunroundthewheel。 Iwalkedtothebreakofthepoop。Ontheover-shadoweddeckallhandsstoodbytheforebraceswaitingformyorder。 Thestarsaheadseemedtobeglidingfromrighttoleft。 AndallwassostillintheworldthatIheardthequietremark,\"She’sround,\"passedinatoneofintensereliefbetweentwoseamen。 \"Letgoandhaul。\" Theforeyardsranroundwithagreatnoise,amidstcheerycries。 Andnowthefrightfulwhiskersmadethemselvesheardgivingvariousorders。 Alreadytheshipwasdrawingahead。AndIwasalonewithher。 Nothing!nooneintheworldshouldstandnowbetweenus,throwingashadowonthewayofsilentknowledgeandmuteaffection,theperfectcommunionofaseamanwithhisfirstcommand。 Walkingtothetaffrail,Iwasintimetomakeout,ontheveryedgeofadarknessthrownbyatoweringblackmassliketheverygatewayofErebus——yes,Iwasintimetocatchanevanescentglimpseofmywhitehatleftbehindtomarkthespotwherethesecretsharerofmycabinandofmythoughts,asthoughheweremysecondself,hadloweredhimselfintothewatertotakehispunishment: afreeman,aproudswimmerstrikingoutforanewdestiny。