Onenight，IwentuptoDimitri’sroomtotryandgethimtocomedownforanevening’stalkinhismother’sdrawing-room，wherewecouldalsolistentoVarenika’sreadingandsinging，butBezobiedoffhadforestalledmethere，andDimitriansweredmecurtlythathecouldnotcomedown，since，asIcouldseeformyself，hehadavisitorwithhim。
\"Besides，\"headded，\"whatisthefunofsittingthere？WehadmuchbetterstayHEREandtalk。\"
IscarcelyrelishedtheprospectofspendingacoupleofhoursinBezobiedoff’scompany，yetcouldnotmakeupmymindtogodownalone；wherefore，cursingmyfriend’svagaries，Iseatedmyselfinarocking-chair，andbeganrockingmyselfsilentlytoandfro。
Ifeltvexedwiththembothfordeprivingmeofthepleasuresofthedrawing-room，andmyonlyhopeasIlistenedirritablytotheirconversationwasthatBezobiedoffwouldsoontakehisdeparture。\"Aniceguestindeedtobesittingwith！\"IthoughttomyselfwhenafootmanbroughtinteaandDimitrihadfivetimestobegBezobiedofftohaveacup，forthereasonthatthebashfulguestthoughtitincumbentuponhimalwaystorefuseitatfirstandtosay，\"No，helpyourself。\"IcouldseethatDimitrihadtoputsomerestraintuponhimselfasheresumedtheconversation。
Hetriedtoinveiglemealsointoit，butIremainedglumandsilent。
\"IdonotmeantoletmyfacegiveanyonethesuspicionthatI
ambored\"wasmymentalremarktoDimitriasIsatquietlyrockingmyselftoandfrowithmeasuredbeat。Yet，asthemomentspassed，Ifoundmyself——notwithoutacertainsatisfaction——
growingmoreandmoreinwardlyhostiletomyfriend。\"Whatafoolheis！\"Ireflected。\"Hemightbespendingtheeveningagreeablywithhischarmingfamily，yethegoesonsittingwiththisbrute！——willgoondoingso，too，untilitistoolatetogodowntothedrawing-room！\"HereIglancedathimoverthebackofmychair，andthoughtthegenerallookofhisattitudeandappearancesooffensiveandrepellantthatatthemomentIcouldgladlyhaveofferedhimsomeinsult，evenamostseriousone。
AtlastBezobiedoffrose，butDimitricouldnoteasilyletsuchadelightfulfrienddepart，andaskedhimtostaythenight。
Fortunately，Bezobiedoffdeclinedtheinvitation，anddeparted。
Havingseenhimoff，Dimitrireturned，and，smilingafaintlycomplacentsmileashedidso，andrubbinghishandstogether（inallprobabilitypartlybecausehehadsustainedhischaracterforeccentricity，andpartlybecausehehadgotridofabore），startedtopacetheroom，withanoccasionalglanceatmyself。I
feltmoreoffendedwithhimthanever。\"Howcanhegoonwalkingabouttheroomandgrinninglikethat？\"wasmyinwardreflection。
\"Whatareyousoangryabout？\"heaskedmesuddenlyashehaltedinfrontofmychair。
\"Iamnotintheleastangry，\"Ireplied（aspeoplealwaysdoanswerundersuchcircumstances）。\"Iammerelyvexedthatyoushouldplay-acttome，andtoBezobiedoff，andtoyourself。\"
\"Whatrubbish！\"heretorted。\"Ineverplay-acttoanyone。\"
\"Ihaveinmindourruleoffrankness，\"Ireplied，\"whenItellyouthatIamcertainyoucannotbearthisBezobiedoffanymorethanIcan。Heisanabsolutecad，yetforsomeinexplicablereasonoranotheritpleasesyoutomasqueradebeforehim。\"
\"Notatall！Tobeginwith，heisasplendidfellow，and——\"
\"ButItellyouitISso。IalsotellyouthatyourfriendshipforLubovSergievnaisfoundedonthesamebasis，namely，thatshethinksyouagod。\"
\"AndItellyouoncemorethatitisnotso。\"
\"Oh，Iknowitformyself，\"Iretortedwiththeheatofsuppressedanger，anddesigningtodisarmhimwithmyfrankness。
\"Ihavetoldyoubefore，andIrepeatitnow，thatyoualwaysseemtolikepeoplewhosaypleasantthingstoyou，butthat，assoonaseverIcometoexamineyourfriendship，Iinvariablyfindthatthereexistsnorealattachmentbetweenyou。\"
\"Oh，butyouarewrong，\"saidDimitriwithanangrystraighteningoftheneckinhiscollar。\"WhenIlikepeople，neithertheirpraisenortheirblamecanmakeanydifferencetomyopinionofthem。\"
\"Well，dreadfulthoughitmayseemtoyou，IconfessthatI
myselfoftenusedtohatemyfatherwhenheabusedme，andtowishthathewasdead。Inthesameway，you——\"
\"Speakforyourself。Iamverysorrythatyoucouldeverhavebeenso——\"
\"No，no！\"IcriedasIleaptfrommychairandfacedhimwiththecourageofexasperation。\"ItisforYOURSELFthatyououghttofeelsorry——sorrybecauseyounevertoldmeawordaboutthisfellow。Youknowthatwasnothonourableofyou。Nevertheless，I
willtellYOUwhatIthinkofyou，\"and，burningtowoundhimevenmorethanhehadwoundedme，Isetouttoprovetohimthathewasincapableoffeelinganyrealaffectionforanybody，andthatIhadthebestofgrounds（asinverytruthIbelievedI
had）forreproachinghim。Itookgreatpleasureintellinghimallthis，butatthesametimeforgotthattheonlyconceivablepurposeofmydoingso——toforcehimtoconfesstothefaultsofwhichIhadaccusedhim——couldnotpossiblybeattainedatthepresentmoment，whenhewasinarage。Hadhe，ontheotherhand，beeninaconditiontoarguecalmly，IshouldprobablyneverhavesaidwhatIdid。
ThedisputewasverginguponanopenquarrelwhenDimitrisuddenlybecamesilent，andlefttheroom。Ipursuedhim，andcontinuedwhatIwassaying，buthedidnotanswer。Iknewthathisfailingsincludedahastytemper，andthathewasnowfightingitdown；whereforeIcursedhisgoodresolutionsthemoreinmyheart。
This，then，waswhatourruleoffranknesshadbroughtusto——therulethatweshould\"telloneanothereverythinginourminds，andneverdiscussoneanotherwithathirdperson！\"Manyatimewehadexaggeratedfranknesstothepitchofmakingmutualconfessionofthemostshamelessthoughts，andofshamingourselvesbyvoicingtooneanotherproposalsorschemesforattainingourdesires；yetthoseconfessionshadnotonlyfailedtodrawcloserthetiewhichunitedus，buthaddissipatedsympathyandthrustusfurtherapart，untilnowpridewouldnotallowhimtoexposehisfeelingseveninthesmallestdetail，andweemployedinourquarreltheveryweaponswhichwehadformerlysurrenderedtooneanother——theweaponswhichcouldstriketheshrewdestblows！
XLII
OURSTEPMOTHER
NotwithstandingthatPapahadnotmeanttoreturntoMoscowbeforetheNewYear，hearrivedinOctober，whentherewasstillgoodridingtohoundstobehadinthecountry。HeallegedashisreasonforchanginghismindthathissuitwasshortlytocomeonbeforetheSenate，butMimiaverredthatAvdotiahadfoundherselfsoennuyeeinthecountry，andhadsooftentalkedaboutMoscowandpretendedtobeunwell，thatPapahaddecidedtoaccedetoherwishes。\"Yousee，sheneverreallylovedhim——sheandherloveonlykeptbuzzingabouthisearsbecauseshewantedtomarryarichman，\"addedMimiwithapensivesighwhichsaid：
\"Tothinkwhatacertainotherpersoncouldhavedoneforhimifonlyhehadvaluedher！\"
Yetthat\"certainotherperson\"wasunjusttoAvdotia，seeingthatthelatter’saffectionforPapa——thepassionate，devotedloveofself-abandonment——revealeditselfinhereverylookandwordandmovement。Atthesametime，thatloveinnowayhinderedher，notonlyfrombeingaversetopartingwithheradoredhusband，butalsofromdesiringtovisitMadameAnnette’sandordertherealovelycap，ahattrimmedwithamagnificentblueostrichfeather，andablueVenetianvelvetbodicewhichwastoexposetothepublicgazethesnowy，wellshapedbreastandarmswhichnoonehadyetgazeduponexceptherhusbandandmaids。OfcourseKatenkasidedwithhermotherand，ingeneral，therebecameestablishedbetweenAvdotiaandourselves，fromthedayofherarrival，themostextraordinaryandburlesqueorderofrelations。Assoonasshesteppedfromthecarriage，Wolodaassumedanairofgreatseriousnessandceremony，and，advancingtowardsherwithmuchbowingandscraping，saidinthetoneofonewhoispresentingsomethingforacceptance：
\"IhavethehonourtogreetthearrivalofourdearMamma，andtokissherhand。\"
\"Ah，mydearson！\"sherepliedwithherbeautiful，unvaryingsmile。
\"Anddonotforgettheyoungerson，\"IsaidasIalsoapproachedherhand，withaninvoluntaryimitationofWoloda’svoiceandexpression。
Hadourstepmotherandourselvesbeencertainofanymutualaffection，thatexpressionmighthavesignifiedcontemptforanyoutwardmanifestationofourlove。Hadwebeenill-disposedtowardsoneanother，itmighthavedenotedirony，orcontemptforpretence，oradesiretoconcealfromPapa（standingbythewhile）ourrealrelations，aswellasmanyotherthoughtsandsentiments。But，asamatteroffact，thatexpression（whichwellconsortedwithAvdotia’sownspirit）simplysignifiednothingatall——simplyconcealedtheabsenceofanydefiniterelationsbetweenus。InlaterlifeIoftenhadoccasiontoremark，inthecaseofotherfamilieswhosemembersanticipatedamongthemselvesrelationsnotaltogetherharmonious，thesortofprovisional，burlesquerelationswhichtheyformedfordailyuse；anditwasjustsuchrelationsasthosewhichnowbecameestablishedbetweenourselvesandourstepmother。Wescarcelyeverstrayedbeyondthem，butwerepolitetoher，conversedwithherinFrench，bowedandscrapedbeforeher，andcalledher\"chereMaman\"——atermtowhichshealwaysrespondedinatoneofsimilarlightnessandwithherbeautiful，unchangingsmile。OnlythelachrymoseLubotshka，withhergoosefeetandartlessprattle，reallylikedourstepmother，ortried，inhernaiveandfrequentlyawkwardway，tobringherandourselvestogether：whereforetheonlypersonintheworldforwhom，besidesPapa，AvdotiahadasparkofaffectionwasLubotshka。Indeed，Avdotiaalwaystreatedherwithakindofgraveadmirationandtimiddeferencewhichgreatlysurprisedme。
FromthefirstAvdotiawasveryfondofcallingherselfourstepmotherandhintingthat，sincechildrenandservantsusuallyadoptanunjustandhostileattitudetowardsawomanthussituated，herownpositionwaslikelytoproveadifficultone。
Yet，thoughsheforesawalltheunpleasantnessofherpredicament，shedidnothingtoescapefromitby（forinstance）
conciliatingthisone，givingpresentstothatotherone，andforbearingtogrumble——thelastaprecautionwhichitwouldhavebeeneasyforhertotake，seeingthatbynatureshewasinnowayexacting，aswellasverygood-tempered。Yet，notonlydidshedononeofthesethings，butherexpectationofdifficultiesledhertoadoptthedefensivebeforeshehadbeenattacked。Thatistosay，supposingthattheentirehouseholdwasdesigningtoshowhereverykindofinsultandannoyance，shewouldseeplotswherenoplotswere，andconsiderthathermostdignifiedcoursewastosufferinsilence——anattitudeofpassivityasregardswinningAFfectionwhichofcourseledtoDISaffection。Moreover，shewassototallylackinginthatfacultyof\"apprehension\"towhichIhavealreadyreferredasbeinghighlydevelopedinourhousehold，andallhercustomsweresoutterlyopposedtothosewhichhadlongbeenrootedinourestablishment，thatthosetwofactsalonewereboundtogoagainsther。Fromthefirst，hermodeoflifeinourtidy，methodicalhouseholdwasthatofapersononlyjustarrivedthere。Sometimesshewenttobedlate，sometimesearly；sometimessheappearedatluncheon，sometimesshedidnot；sometimesshetooksupper，sometimesshedispensedwithit。Whenwehadnoguestswithusshemoreoftenthannotwalkedaboutthehouseinasemi-nudecondition，andwasnotashamedtoappearbeforeus——evenbeforetheservants——inawhitechemise，withonlyashawlthrownoverherbareshoulders。AtfirstthisBohemianismpleasedme，butbeforeverylongitledtomylosingthelastshredofrespectwhichIfeltforher。Whatstruckmeasevenmorestrangewasthefactthat，accordingaswehadorhadnotguests，shewastwodifferentwomen。Theone（thewomanfiguringinsociety）wasayoungandhealthy，butrathercold，beauty，apersonrichlydressed，neitherstupidnorclever，andunfailinglycheerful。Theotherwoman（theoneinevidencewhennoguestswerepresent）wasconsiderablypastherfirstyouth，languid，depressed，slovenly，andennuyee，thoughaffectionate。Frequently，asIlookedatherwhen，smiling，rosywiththewinterair，andhappyintheconsciousnessofherbeauty，shecameinfromaroundofcallsand，takingoffherhat，wenttolookatherselfinamirror；orwhen，rustlinginherrich，decolleteballdress，andatonceshyandproudbeforetheservants，shewaspassingtohercarriage；orwhen，atoneofoursmallreceptionsathome，shewassittingdressedinahighsilkendressfinishedwithsomesortoffinelaceabouthersoftneck，andflashingherunvarying，butlovely，smilearoundher——asIlookedatheratsuchtimesIcouldnothelpwonderingwhatwouldhavebeensaidbypersonswhohadbeenravishedtobeholdherthusiftheycouldhaveseenherasIoftensawher，namely，when，waitinginthelonelymidnighthoursforherhusbandtoreturnfromhisclub，shewouldwalklikeashadowfromroomtoroom，withherhairdishevelledandherformcladinasortofdressing-jacket。Presently，shewouldsitdowntothepianoand，herbrowsallpuckeredwiththeeffort，playovertheonlywaltzthatsheknew；afterwhichshewouldpickupanovel，readafewpagessomewhereinthemiddleofit，andthrowitaside。Next，repairinginpersontothedining-room，soasnottodisturbtheservants，shewouldgetherselfacucumberandsomecoldveal，andeatitstandingbythewindow-sill——thenoncemoreresumeherweary，aimless，gloomywanderingfromroomtoroom。Butwhat，aboveallotherthings，causedestrangementbetweenuswasthatlackofunderstandingwhichexpresseditselfchieflyinthepeculiarairofindulgentattentionwithwhichshewouldlistenwhenanyonewasspeakingtoherconcerningmattersofwhichshehadnoknowledge。Itwasnotherfaultthatsheacquiredtheunconscioushabitofbendingherheaddownandsmilingslightlywithherlipsonlywhenshefounditnecessarytoconverseontopicswhichdidnotinteresther（whichmeantanytopicexceptherselfandherhusband）；yetthatsmileandthatinclinationofthehead，whenincessantlyrepeated，couldbecomeunbearablywearisome。Also，herpeculiargaiety——whichalwayssoundedasthoughshewerelaughingatherself，atyou，andattheworldingeneral——wasgaucheandanythingbutinfectious，whilehersympathywastooevidentlyforced。Lastly，sheknewnoreticencewithregardtoherceaselessrapturisingtoallandsundryconcerningherloveforPapa。Althoughsheonlyspokethetruthwhenshesaidthatherwholelifewasboundupwithhim，andalthoughsheproveditherlifelong，weconsideredsuchunrestrained，continualinsistenceuponheraffectionforhimbadform，andfeltmoreashamedforherwhenshewasdescantingthusbeforestrangerseventhanwedidwhenshewasperpetratingbadblundersinFrench。Yet，although，asIhavesaid，shelovedherhusbandmorethananythingelseintheworld，andhetoohadagreataffectionforher（oratalleventshehadatfirst，andwhenhesawthatothersbesideshimselfadmiredherbeauty），itseemedalmostasthoughshepurposelydideverythingmostlikelytodispleasehim——simplytoprovetohimthestrengthofherlove，herreadinesstosacrificeherselfforhissake，andthefactthatheroneaiminlifewastowinhisaffection！Shewasfondofdisplay，andmyfathertoolikedtoseeherasabeautywhoexcitedwonderandadmiration；yetshesacrificedherweaknessforfineclothestoherloveforhim，andgrewmoreandmoreaccustomedtoremainathomeinaplaingreyblouse。Again，Papaconsideredfreedomandequalitytobeindispensableconditionsoffamilylife，andhopedthathisfavouriteLubotshkaandhiskind-heartedyoungwifewouldbecomesincerefriends；yetonceagainAvdotiasacrificedherselfbyconsideringitincumbentuponhertopaythe\"realmistressofthehouse，\"asshecalledLubotshka，anamountofdeferencewhichonlyshockedandannoyedmyfather。Likewise，heplayedcardsagreatdealthatwinter，andlostconsiderablesumstowardstheendofit，wherefore，unwilling，asusual，tolethisgamblingaffairsintrudeuponhisfamilylife，hebegantopreservecompletesecrecyconcerninghisplay；yetAvdotia，thoughoftenailing，aswellas，towardstheendofthewinter，enceinte，consideredherselfboundalwaystositup（inagreyblouse，andwithherhairdishevelled）formyfatherwhen，at，say，fourorfiveo’clockinthemorning，hereturnedhomefromtheclubashamed，depletedinpocket，andweary。Shewouldaskhimabsent-mindedlywhetherhehadbeenfortunateinplay，andlistenwithindulgentattention，littlenodsofherhead，andafaintsmileuponherfaceashetoldherofhisdoingsattheclubandbeggedher，foraboutthehundredthtime，nevertositupforhimagain。Yet，thoughPapa’swinningsorlosings（uponwhichhissubstancepracticallydepended）innowayinterestedher，shewasalwaysthefirsttomeethimwhenhereturnedhomeinthesmallhoursofthemorning。Thisshewasincitedtodo，notonlybythestrengthofherdevotion，butbyacertainsecretjealousyfromwhichshesuffered。NooneintheworldcouldpersuadeherthatitwasREALLYfromhisclub，andnotfromamistress’s，thatPapacamehomesolate。Shewouldtrytoreadlovesecretsinhisface，and，discerningnonethere，wouldsighwithasortofenjoymentofhergrief，andgiveherselfuponcemoretothecontemplationofherunhappiness。
AstheresultoftheseandmanyotherconstantsacrificeswhichoccurredinPapa’srelationswithhiswifeduringthelattermonthsofthatwinter（atimewhenhelostmuch，andwasthereforeoutofspirits），theregraduallygrewupbetweenthetwoanintermittentfeelingoftacithostility——ofrestrainedaversiontotheobjectofdevotionofthekindwhichexpressesitselfinanunconsciouseagernesstoshowtheobjectinquestioneverypossiblespeciesofpettyannoyance。
XLIII
NEWCOMRADES
ThewinterhadpassedimperceptiblyandthethawbegunwhenthelistofexaminationswaspostedattheUniversity，andIsuddenlyrememberedthatIhadtoreturnanswerstoquestionsineighteensubjectsonwhichIhadheardlecturesdelivered，butwithregardtosomeofwhichIhadtakennonotesandmadenopreparationwhatever。Itseemsstrangethatthequestion\"HowamIgoingtopass？\"shouldneverhaveenteredmyhead，butthetruthisthatallthatwinterIhadbeeninsuchastateofhazethroughthedelightsofbeingbothgrown-upand\"commeilfaut\"that，wheneverthequestionoftheexaminationshadoccurredtome，I
hadmentallycomparedmyselfwithmycomrades，andthoughttomyself，\"Theyarecertaintopass，andasmostofthemarenot’commeilfaut，’andIamthereforetheirpersonalsuperior，I
tooamboundtocomeoutallright。\"Infact，theonlyreasonwhyIattendedlecturesatallwasthatImightbecomeanhabitueoftheUniversity，andobtainPapa’sleavetogoinandoutofthehouse。Moreover，Ihadmanyacquaintancesnow，andoftenenjoyedmyselfvastlyattheUniversity。Ilovedtheracket，talking，andlaughterintheauditorium，theopportunitiesforsittingonabackbench，andlettingthemeasuredvoiceoftheprofessorlureoneintodreamsasonecontemplatedone’scomrades，theoccasionalrunningsacrossthewayforasnackandaglassofvodka（sweetenedbythefearfuljoyofknowingthatonemightbehauledbeforetheprofessorforsodoing），thestealthyclosingofthedoorasonereturnedtotheauditorium，andtheparticipationin\"courseversuscourse\"scufflesinthecorridors。Allthiswasveryenjoyable。
Bythetime，however，thateveryonehadbeguntoputinabetterattendanceatlectures，andtheprofessorofphysicshadcompletedhiscourseandtakenhisleaveofusuntiltheexaminationscameon，andthestudentswerebusycollectingtheirnotebooksandarrangingtodotheirpreparationinparties，itstruckmethatIalsohadbetterpreparefortheordeal。Operoff，withwhomIstillcontinuedonbowing，butotherwisemostfrigid，terms，suddenlyofferednotonlytolendmehisnotebooks，buttoletmedomypreparationwithhimselfandsomeotherstudents。I
thankedhim，andacceptedtheinvitation——hopingbythatconfermentofhonourcompletelytodissipateouroldmisunderstanding；butatthesametimeIrequestedthatthegatheringsshouldalwaysbeheldatmyhome，sincemyquartersweresosplendid！Tothisthestudentsrepliedthattheymeanttotaketurnandturnabout——sometimestomeetatonefellow’splace，sometimesatanother’s，asmightbemostconvenient。
ThefirstofourreunionswasheldatZuchin’s，whohadasmallpartition-roominalargebuildingontheTrubniBoulevard。TheopeningnightIarrivedlate，andenteredwhenthereadingaloudhadalreadybegun。Thelittleapartmentwasthickwithtobacco-
smoke，whileonthetablestoodabottleofvodka，adecanter，somebread，somesalt，andashin-boneofmutton。Withoutrising，Zuchinaskedmetohavesomevodkaandtodoffmytunic。
\"Iexpectyouarenotaccustomedtosuchentertainment，\"headded。
Everyonewaswearingadirtycottonshirtandadickey。
Endeavouringnottoshowmycontemptforthecompany，Itookoffmytunic，andlaydowninasociablemanneronthesofa。Zuchinwentonreadingaloudandcorrectinghimselfwiththehelpofnotebooks，whiletheothersoccasionallystoppedhimtoaskaquestion，whichhealwaysansweredwithability，correctness，andprecision。Ilistenedforatimewiththerest，but，notunderstandingmuchofit，sinceIhadnotbeenpresentatwhathadbeenreadbefore，sooninterpolatedaquestion。
\"Hullo，oldfellow！Itwillbenogoodforyoutolistenifyoudonotknowthesubject，\"saidZuchin。\"Iwilllendyoumynotebooks，andthenyoucanreaditupbyto-morrow，andIwillexplainittoyou。\"
Ifeltratherashamedofmyignorance。Also，Ifeltthetruthofwhathesaid；soIgaveuplistening，andamusedmyselfbyobservingmynewcomrades。Accordingtomyclassificationofhumanity，intopersons\"commeilfaut\"andpersonsnot\"commeilfaut，\"theyevidentlybelongedtothelattercategory，andsoarousedinmenotonlyafeelingofcontempt，butalsoacertainsensationofpersonalhostility，forthereasonthat，thoughnot\"commeilfaut，\"theyaccountedmetheirequal，andactuallypatronisedmeinasortofgood-humouredfashion。Whatinparticularexcitedinmethisfeelingwastheirfeet，theirdirtynailsandfingers，aparticularlylongtalononOperoff’sobtrusivelittlefinger，theirredshirts，theirdickeys，thechaffwhichtheygood-naturedlythrewatoneanother，thedirtyroom，ahabitwhichZuchinhadofcontinuallysnufflingandpressingafingertohisnose，and，aboveall，theirmannerofspeaking——thatistosay，theiruseandintonationofwords。Forinstance，theysaid\"flat\"forfool，\"justtheticket\"forexactly，\"grandly\"forsplendidly，andsoon——allofwhichseemedtomeeitherbookishordisagreeablyvulgar。Stillmorewasmy\"commeilfaut\"refinementdisturbedbytheaccentswhichtheyputuponcertainRussian——and，stillmore，uponforeign——words。
ThustheysaiddieYATelnostforDIEyatelnost，NARochnofornaROChno，v’KAMinieforv’kaMINie，SHAKespeareforShakesPEARe，andsoforth。
Yet，foralltheirinsuperablyrepellentexterior，Icoulddetectsomethinggoodinthesefellows，andenviedthemthecheerfulgood-fellowshipwhichunitedtheminone。Consequently，Ibegantofeelattractedtowardsthem，andmadeupmymindthat，comewhatmight，Iwouldbecomeoftheirnumber。ThekindandhonourableOperoffIknewalready，andnowthebrusque，butexceptionallyclever，Zuchin（whoevidentlytooktheleadinthiscircle）begantopleasemegreatly。Hewasadark，thick-setlittlefellow，withaperenniallyglistening，polishedface，butonethatwasextremelylively，intellectual，andindependentinitsexpression。Thatexpressionitderivedfromalow，butprominent，forehead，deepblackeyes，short，bristlyhair，andathick，darkbeardwhichlookedasthoughitstoodinconstantneedoftrimming。Although，too，heseemedtothinknothingofhimself（atrailwhichalwayspleasedmeinpeople），itwasclearthatheneverlethisbrainrest。Hehadoneofthoseexpressivefaceswhich，afewhoursafteryouhaveseenthemforthefirsttime，changesuddenlyandentirelytoyourview。Suchachangetookplace，inmyeyes，withregardtoZuchin’sfacetowardstheendofthatevening。Suddenly，Iseemedtoseenewwrinklesappearuponitssurface，itseyesgrowdeeper，itssmilebecomeadifferentone，andthewholefaceassumesuchanalteredaspectthatIscarcelyrecognisedit。
Whenthereadingwasended，Zuchin，theotherstudents，andmyselfmanifestedourdesiretobe\"comradesall\"bydrinkingvodkauntillittleremainedinthebottle。ThereuponZuchinaskedifanyonehadaquarter-roubletospare，sothathecouldsendtheoldwomanwholookedafterhimtobuysomemore；yet，onmyofferingtoprovidethemoney，hemadeasthoughhehadnotheardme，andturnedtoOperoff，whopulledoutapursesewnwithbugles，andhandedhimthesumrequired。
\"Andmindyoudon’tgetdrunk，\"addedthegiver，whohimselfhadnotpartakenofthevodka。
\"Byheavens！\"answeredZuchinashesuckedthemarrowoutofamuttonbone（Irememberthinkingthatitmustbebecauseheatemarrowthathewassoclever）。\"Byheavens！\"hewentonwithaslightsmile（andhissmilewasofthekindthatoneinvoluntarilynoticed，andsomehowfeltgratefulfor），\"evenifI
didgetdrunk，therewouldbenogreatharmdone。Iwonderwhichofustwocouldlookafterhimselfthebetter——youorI？AnywayI
amwillingtomaketheexperiment，\"andheslappedhisforeheadwithmockboastfulness。\"ButwhatapityitisthatSemenoffhasdisappeared！Hehasgoneandcompletelyhiddenhimselfsomewhere。\"
Sureenough，thegrey-hairedSemenoffwhohadcomfortedmesomuchatmyfirstexaminationbybeingworsedressedthanmyself，andwho，afterpassingthesecondexamination，hadattendedhislecturesregularlyduringthefirstmonth，haddisappearedthereafterfromview，andneverbeenseenattheUniversitythroughoutthelatterpartofthecourse。
\"Whereishe？\"askedsomeone。
\"Idonotknow\"repliedZuchin。\"Hehasescapedmyeyealtogether。YetwhatfunIusedtohavewithhim！Whatfiretherewasintheman！andwhatanintellect！Ishouldbeindeedsorryifhehascometogrief——andcometogriefheprobablyhas，forhewasnomereboytotakehisUniversitycourseininstalments。\"
Afteralittlefurtherconversation，andagreeingtomeetagainthenextnightatZuchin’s，sincehisabodewasthemostcentralpointforusall，webegantodisperse。As，onebyone，welefttheroom，myconsciencestartedprickingmebecauseeveryoneseemedtobegoinghomeonfoot，whereasIhadmydrozhki。
Accordingly，withsomehesitationIofferedOperoffalift。
Zuchincametothedoorwithus，and，afterborrowingaroubleofOperoff，wentofftomakeanightofitwithsomefriends。Aswedrovealong，OperofftoldmeagooddealaboutZuchin’scharacterandmodeoflife，andonreachinghomeitwaslongbeforeIcouldgettosleepforthinkingofthenewacquaintancesIhadmade。
Formanyanhour，asIlayawake，Ikeptwaveringbetweentherespectwhichtheirknowledge，simplicity，andsenseofhonour，aswellasthepoetryoftheiryouthandcourage，excitedinmyregard，andthedistastewhichIfeltfortheiroutwardman。Inspiteofmydesiretodoso，itwasatthattimeliterallyimpossibleformetoassociatewiththem，sinceourideasweretoowhollyatvariance。Forme，life’smeaningandcharmcontainedaninfinitudeofshadesofwhichtheyhadnotaninkling，andviceversa。Thegreatestobstaclesofall，however，toourbetteracquaintanceIfelttobethetwentyroubles’worthofclothinmytunic，mydrozhki，andmywhitelinenshirt；andtheyappearedtomemostimportantobstacles，sincetheymademefeelasthoughIhadunwittinglyinsultedthesecomradesbydisplayingsuchtokensofmywealth。Ifeltguiltyintheireyes，andasthough，whetherIacceptedorrejectedtheiracquittalandtookalineofmyown，Icouldneverenterintoequalandunaffectedrelationswiththem。YettosuchanextentdidthestirringpoetryofthecouragewhichIcoulddetectinZuchin（inparticular）overshadowthecoarse，vicioussideofhisnaturethatthelattermadenounpleasantimpressionuponme。
ForacoupleofweeksIvisitedZuchin’salmosteverynightforpurposesofwork。YetIdidverylittlethere，since，asIhavesaid，Ihadlostgroundatthestart，and，nothavingsufficientgritinmetocatchupmycompanionsbysolitarystudy，wasforcedmerelytoPRETENDthatIwaslisteningtoandtakinginalltheywerereading。Ihaveanidea，too，thattheydivinedmypretence，sinceIoftennoticedthattheypassedoverpointswhichtheythemselvesknewwithoutfirstinquiringofmewhetherIdidthesame。Yet，daybyday，Iwascomingtoregardthevulgarityofthiscirclewithmoreindulgence，tofeelincreasinglydrawntowardsitswayoflife，andtofindinitmuchthatwaspoetical。OnlymywordofhonourtoDimitrithatI
wouldneverindulgeindissipationwiththesenewcomradeskeptmefromdecidingalsotosharetheirdiversions。
Once，IthoughtIwouldmakeadisplayofmyknowledgeofliterature，particularlyFrenchliterature，andsoledtheconversationtothattheme。Judge，then，ofmysurprisewhenI
discoveredthatnotonlyhadmycompanionsbeenreadingtheforeignpassagesinRussian，butthattheyhadstudiedfarmoreforeignworksthanIhad，andknewandcouldappraiseEnglish，andevenSpanish，writersofwhomIhadneversomuchasheard！
Likewise，PushkinandZhukovskirepresentedtothemLITERATURE，andnot，astomyself，certainbooksinyellowcoverswhichIhadoncereadandstudiedwhenachild。ForDumasandSuetheyhadanalmostequalcontempt，and，ingeneral，werecompetenttoformmuchbetterandclearerjudgmentsonliterarymattersthanIwas，forallthatIrefusedtorecognisethefact。Inknowledgeofmusic，too，Icouldnotbeatthem，andwasastonishedtofindthatOperoffplayedtheviolin，andanotherstudentthecelloandpiano，whilebothofthemweremembersoftheUniversityorchestra，andpossessedawideknowledgeofandappreciationofgoodmusic。Inshort，withtheexceptionoftheFrenchandGermanlanguages，mycompanionswerebetterpostedateverypointthanI
was，yetnottheleastproudofthefact。True，Imighthaveplumedmyselfonmypositionasamanoftheworld，butWolodaexcelledmeeveninthat。Wherein，then，laytheheightfromwhichIpresumedtolookdownuponthesecomrades？InmyacquaintanceshipwithPrinceIvanIvanovitch？InmyabilitytospeakFrench？Inmydrozhki？Inmylinenshirt？Inmyfinger-
nails？\"Surelythesethingsareallrubbish，\"wasthethoughtwhichwouldcomeflittingthroughmyheadundertheinfluenceoftheenvywhichthegood-fellowshipandkindly，youthfulgaietydisplayedaroundmeexcitedinmybreast。Everyoneaddressedhisinterlocutorinthesecondpersonsingular。True，thefamiliarityofthisaddressalmostapproximatedtorudeness，yeteventheboorishexteriorofthespeakercouldnotconcealaconstantendeavournevertohurtanotherone’sfeelings。Theterms\"brute\"
or\"swine，\"whenusedinthisgood-naturedfashion，onlyconvulsedme，andgavemecauseforinwardmerriment。Innowaydidtheyoffendthepersonaddressed，orpreventthecompanyatlargefromremainingonthemostsincereandfriendlyfooting。Inalltheirintercoursetheseyouthsweredelicateandforbearinginawaythatonlyverypoorandveryyoungmencanbe。HowevermuchImightdetectinZuchin’scharacterandamusementsanelementofcoarsenessandprofligacy，Icouldalsodetectthefactthathisdrinking-boutswereofaverydifferentordertothepuerilitywithburntrumandchampagneinwhichIhadparticipatedatBaronZ。’s。
XLIV
ZUCHINANDSEMENOFF
AlthoughIdonotknowwhatclassofsocietyZuchinbelongedto，Iknowthat，withoutthehelpeitherofmeansorsocialposition，hehadmatriculatedfromtheSeventhGymnasium。Atthattimehewaseighteen——thoughhelookedmucholder——andveryclever，especiallyinhispowersofassimilation。Tohimitwaseasiertosurveythewholeofsomecomplicatedsubject，toforeseeitsvariouspartsanddeductions，thantousethatknowledge，whengained，forreasoningouttheexactlawstowhichthosedeductionsweredue。Heknewthathewasclever，andofthefacthewasproud；yetfromthatverypridearosethecircumstancethathetreatedeveryonewithunvaryingsimplicityandgood-nature。
Moreover，hisexperienceoflifemusthavebeenconsiderable，foralreadyhehadsquanderedmuchlove，friendship，activity，andmoney。Thoughpoorandmovingonlyinthelowerranksofsociety，therewasnothingwhichhehadeverattemptedforwhichhedidnotthenceforthfeelthecontempt，theindifference，ortheutterdisregardwhichwereboundtoresultfromhisattaininghisgoaltooeasily。Infact，theveryardourwithwhichheappliedhimselftoanewpursuitseemedtobeduetohiscontemptforwhathehadalreadyattained，sincehisabilitiesalwaysledhimtosuccess，andthereforetoacertainrighttodespiseit。Withthesciencesitwasthesame。Thoughlittleinterestedinthem，andtakingnonotes，heknewmathematicsthoroughly，andwasutteringnovainboastwhenhesaidthathecouldbeattheprofessorhimself。Muchofwhatheheardsaidinlectureshethoughtrubbish，yetwithhispeculiarhabitofunconsciouslypracticalroguishnesshefeignedtosubscribetoallthattheprofessorsthoughtimportant，andeveryprofessoradoredhim。True，hewasoutspokentotheauthorities，buttheynonethelessrespectedhim。Besidesdislikinganddespisingthesciences，hedespisedallwholabouredtoattainwhathehimselfhadmasteredsoeasily，sincethesciences，asheunderstoodthem，didnotoccupyone-tenthpartofhispowers。Infact，life，ashesawitfromthestudent’sstandpoint，containednothingtowhichhecoulddevotehimselfwholly，andhisimpetuous，activenature（ashehimselfoftensaid）demandedlifecomplete：whereforehefrequentedthedrinking-boutinsofarashecouldaffordit，andsurrenderedhimselftodissipationchieflyoutofadesiretogetasfarawayfromhimselfaspossible。Consequently，justastheexaminationswereapproaching，Operoff’sprophecytomecametrue，forZuchinwastedtwowholeweeksinthisfashion，andwehadtodothelatterpartofourpreparationatanotherstudent’s。Yetatthefirstexaminationhereappearedwithpale，haggardfaceandtremuloushands，andpassedbrilliantlyintothesecondcourse！
ThecompanyofroisterersofwhichZuchinhadbeentheleadersinceitsformationatthebeginningofthetermconsistedofeightstudents，amongwhom，atfirst，hadbeennumberedIkoninandSemenoff；buttheformerhadleftunderthestrainofthecontinuousrevelryinwhichthebandhadindulgedintheearlypartoftheterm，andthelattersecededlaterforreasonswhichwereneverwhollyexplained。Initsearlydaysthisbandhadbeenlookeduponwithawebyallthefellowsofourcourse，andhadhaditsexploitsmuchdiscussed。OftheseexploitstheleadingheroeshadbeenZuchinand，towardstheendoftheterm，Semenoff，butthelatterhadcometobegenerallyshunned，andtocausedisturbancesontherareoccasionswhenheattendedalecture。Justbeforetheexaminationsbegan，heroundedoffhisdrinkingexploitsinamostenergeticandoriginalfashion，asI
myselfhadoccasiontowitness（throughmyacquaintanceshipwithZuchin）。Thisishowitwas。OneeveningwehadjustassembledatZuchin’s，andOperoff，reinforcingacandlestickwithacandlestuckinabottle，hadjustplungedhisnoseintohisnotebooksandbeguntoreadaloudinhisthinvoicefromhisneatly-writtennotesonphysics，whenthelandladyenteredtheroom，andinformedZuchinthatsomeonehadbroughtanoteforhim……[Theremainderofthischapterisomittedintheoriginal。]
XLV
ICOMETOGRIEF
Atlengththefirstexamination——ondifferentialsandintegrals——
drewnear，butIcontinuedinavaguestatewhichprecludedmefromforminganyclearideaofwhatwasawaitingme。Everyevening，afterconsortingwithZuchinandtherest，thethoughtwouldoccurtomethattherewassomethinginmyconvictionswhichImustchange-somethingwrongandmistaken；yeteverymorningthedaylightwouldfindmeagainsatisfiedtobe\"commeilfaut，\"anddesirousofnochangewhatsoever。
SuchwastheframeofmindinwhichIattendedforthefirstexamination。Iseatedmyselfonthebenchwheretheprinces，counts，andbaronsalwayssat，andbegantalkingtotheminFrench，withthenotunnaturalresultthatInevergaveanotherthoughttotheanswerswhichIwasshortlytoreturntoquestionsinasubjectofwhichIknewnothing。Igazedsupinelyatotherstudentsastheywentuptobeexamined，andevenallowedmyselftochaffsomeofthem。
\"Well，Grap，\"IsaidtoIlinka（who，fromourfirstentryintotheUniversity，hadshakenoffmyinfluence，hadceasedtosmilewhenIspoketohim，andalwaysremainedill-disposedtowardsme），\"haveyousurvivedtheordeal？\"
\"Yes，\"retortedIlinka。\"LetusseeifYOUcandoso。\"
Ismiledcontemptuouslyattheanswer，notwithstandingthatthedoubtwhichhehadexpressedhadgivenmeamomentaryshock。Onceagain，however，indifferenceoverlaidthatfeeling，andI
remainedsoentirelyabsent-mindedandsupinethat，theverymomentafterIhadbeenexamined（amereformalityforme，asitturnedout）IwasmakingadinnerappointmentwithBaronZ。WhencalledoutwithIkonin，Ismoothedthecreasesinmyuniform，andwalkeduptotheexaminer’stablewithperfectsangfroid。
True，aslightshiverofapprehensionrandownmybackwhentheyoungprofessor——thesameoneashadexaminedmeformymatriculation——lookedmestraightinthefaceasIreachedacrosstotheenvelopecontainingthetickets。Ikonin，thoughtakingaticketwiththesameplungeofhiswholebodyashehaddoneatthepreviousexaminations，didatleastreturnsomesortofananswerthistime，thoughapoorone。I，onthecontrary，didjustashehaddoneonthetwopreviousoccasions，orevenworse，sinceItookasecondticket，yetforasecondtimereturnednoanswer。Theprofessorlookedmecompassionatelyintheface，andsaidinaquiet，butdetermined，voice：
\"Youwillnotpassintothesecondcourse，MonsieurIrtenieff。
Youhadbetternotcompletetheexaminations。Thefacultymustbeweededout。Thesamewithyou，MonsieurIkonin。\"
Ikoninimploredleavetofinishtheexaminations，asagreatfavour，buttheprofessorrepliedthathe（Ikonin）wasnotlikelytodointwodayswhathehadnotsucceededindoinginayear，andthathehadnotthesmallestchanceofpassing。Ikoninrenewedhishumble，piteousappeals，buttheprofessorwasinexorable。
\"Youcango，gentlemen，\"heremarkedinthesamequiet，resolutevoice。
Iwasonlytoogladtodoso，forIfeltashamedofseeming，bymysilentpresence，tobejoininginIkonin’shumiliatingprayersforgrace。IhavenorecollectionofhowIthreadedmywaythroughthestudentsinthehall，norofwhatIrepliedtotheirquestions，norofhowIpassedintothevestibuleanddepartedhome。Iwasoffended，humiliated，andgenuinelyunhappy。
ForthreedaysIneverleftmyroom，andsawnoone，butfoundreliefincopioustears。IshouldhavesoughtapistoltoshootmyselfifIhadhadthenecessarydeterminationforthedeed。I
thoughtthatIlinkaGrapwouldspitinmyfacewhenhenextmetme，andthathewouldhavetherighttodoso；thatOperoffwouldrejoiceatmymisfortune，andtelleveryoneofit；thatKolpikoffhadjustlyshamedmethatnightattherestaurant；thatmystupidspeechestoPrincessKornikoffhadhadtheirfittingresult；andsoon，andsoon。Allthemomentsinmylifewhichhadbeenformemostdifficultandpainfulrecurredtomymind。I
triedtoblamesomeoneformycalamity，andthoughtthatsomeonemusthavedoneitonpurpose——musthaveconspiredawholeintrigueagainstme。Next，Imurmuredagainsttheprofessors，againstmycomrades，Woloda，Dimitri，andPapa（thelastforhavingsentmetotheUniversityatall）。Finally，IrailedatProvidenceforeverhavingletmeseesuchignominy。Believingmyselfruinedforeverintheeyesofallwhoknewme，IbesoughtPapatoletmegointothehussarsortotheCaucasus。Naturally，Papawasanythingbutpleasedatwhathadhappened；yet，onseeingmypassionategrief，hecomfortedmebysayingthat，thoughitwasabadbusiness，itmightyetbemendedbymytransferringtoanotherfaculty。Woloda，whoalsosawnothingveryterribleinmymisfortune，addedthatatleastIshouldnotbeputoutofcountenanceinanewfaculty，sinceIshouldhavenewcomradesthere。Asfortheladiesofthehousehold，theyneitherknewnorcaredwhateitheranexaminationorapluckingmeant，andcondoledwithmeonlybecausetheysawmeinsuchdistress。Dimitricametoseemeeveryday，andwasverykindandconsolatorythroughout；butforthatveryreasonheseemedtometohavegrowncolderthanbefore。Italwayshurtmeandmademefeeluncomfortablewhenhecameuptomyroomandseatedhimselfinsilencebesideme，muchasadoctormightscathimselfbythebedsideofanawkwardpatient。SophiaIvanovnaandVarenikasentmebooksforwhichIhadexpressedawish，asalsoaninvitationtogoandseethem，butinthatverythoughtfulnessoftheirsI
sawonlyproud，humiliatingcondescensiontoonewhohadfallenbeyondforgiveness。Although，inthreedays’time，Igrewcalmer，itwasnotuntilwedepartedforthecountrythatIleftthehouse，butspentthetimeinnursingmygriefandwandering，fearfulofallthehousehold，throughthevariousrooms。
Oneevening，asIwassittingdeepinthoughtandlisteningtoAvdotiaplayingherwaltz，Isuddenlyleapttomyfeet，ranupstairs，gotoutthecopy-bookwhereonIhadonceinscribed\"RulesofMyLife，\"openedit，andexperiencedmyfirstmomentofrepentanceandmoralresolution。True，Iburstintotearsoncemore，buttheywerenolongertearsofdespair。Pullingmyselftogether，Isetaboutwritingoutafreshsetofrules，intheassuredconvictionthatneveragainwouldIdoawrongaction，wasteasinglemomentonfrivolity，oraltertheruleswhichI
nowdecidedtoframe。
Howlongthatmoralimpulselasted，whatitconsistedof，andwhatnewprinciplesIdevisedformymoralgrowthIwillrelatewhenspeakingoftheensuingandhappierportionofmyearlymanhood。
