ContentsOntheartofmakingupone’smind。
Onthedisadvantageofnotgettingwhatonewants。
Ontheexceptionalmeritattachingtothethingswemeanttodo。
Onthepreparationandemploymentoflovephiltres。
Onthedelightsandbenefitsofslavery。
Onthecareandmanagementofwomen。
Onthemindingofotherpeople’sbusiness。
Onthetimewastedinlookingbeforeoneleaps。
Onthenobilityofourselves。
Onthemotherlinessofman。
Ontheinadvisabilityoffollowingadvice。
Ontheplayingofmarchesatthefuneralsofmarionettes。
ONTHEARTOFMAKINGUPONE’SMIND
\"Now，whichwouldyouadvise，dear？Yousee，withtheredIshan’tbeabletowearmymagentahat。\"
\"Wellthen，whynothavethegrey？\"
\"Yes——yes，IthinkthegreywillbeMOREuseful。\"
\"It’sagoodmaterial。\"
\"Yes，andit’saPRETTYgrey。YouknowwhatImean，dear；notaCOMMONgrey。OfcoursegreyisalwaysanUNINTERESTINGcolour。\"
\"Itsquiet。\"
\"Andthenagain，whatIfeelabouttheredisthatitissowarm-looking。RedmakesyouFEELwarmevenwhenyou’reNOTwarm。
YouknowwhatImean，dear！\"
\"Wellthen，whynothavethered？Itsuitsyou——red。\"
\"No；doyoureallythinkso？\"
\"Well，whenyou’vegotacolour，Imean，ofcourse！\"
\"Yes，thatisthedrawbacktored。No，Ithink，onthewhole，thegreyisSAFER。\"
\"Thenyouwilltakethegrey，madam？\"
\"Yes，IthinkI’dbetter；don’tyou，dear？\"
\"Ilikeitmyselfverymuch。\"
\"Anditisgoodwearingstuff。Ishallhaveittrimmedwith——Oh！
youhaven’tcutitoff，haveyou？\"
\"Iwasjustaboutto，madam。\"
\"Well，don’tforamoment。Justletmehaveanotherlookatthered。Yousee，dear，ithasjustoccurredtome——thatchinchillawouldlooksowellonthered！\"
\"Soitwould，dear！\"
\"And，yousee，I’vegotthechinchilla。\"
\"Thenhavethered。Whynot？\"
\"Well，thereisthehatI’mthinkingof。\"
\"Youhaven’tanythingelseyoucouldwearwiththat？\"
\"Nothingatall，anditwouldgosoBEAUTIFULLYwiththegrey。——Yes，IthinkI’llhavethegrey。It’salwaysasafecolour——grey。\"
\"FourteenyardsIthinkyousaid，madam？\"
\"Yes，fourteenyardswillbeenough；becauseIshallmixitwith——
Oneminute。Yousee，dear，ifItakethegreyIshallhavenothingtowearwithmyblackjacket。\"
\"Won’titgowithgrey？\"
\"Notwell——notsowellaswithred。\"
\"Ishouldhavetheredthen。Youevidentlyfancyityourself。\"
\"No，personallyIpreferthegrey。ButthenonemustthinkofEVERYTHING，and——Goodgracious！that’ssurelynottherighttime？\"
\"No，madam，it’stenminutesslow。Wealwayskeepourclocksalittleslow！\"
\"AndweweretoohavebeenatMadameJannaway’sataquarterpasttwelve。HowlongshoppingdoestakeI——Why，whatevertimedidwestart？\"
\"Abouteleven，wasn’tit？\"
\"Half-pastten。Iremembernow；because，youknow，wesaidwe’dstartathalf-pastnine。We’vebeentwohoursalready！\"
\"Andwedon’tseemtohavedonemuch，dowe？\"
\"Doneliterallynothing，andImeanttohavedonesomuch。ImustgotoMadameJannaway’s。Haveyougotmypurse，dear？Oh，it’sallright，I’vegotit。\"
\"Well，nowyouhaven’tdecidedwhetheryou’regoingtohavethegreyorthered。\"
\"I’msureIdon’tknowwhatIdowantnow。Ihadmadeupmymindaminuteago，andnowit’sallgoneagain——ohyes，Iremember，thered。Yes，I’llhavethered。No，Idon’tmeanthered，Imeanthegrey。\"
\"Youweretalkingabouttheredlasttime，ifyouremember，dear。\"
\"Oh，soIwas，you’requiteright。That’stheworstofshopping。
DoyouknowIgetquiteconfusedsometimes。\"
\"Thenyouwilldecideonthered，madam？\"
\"Yes——yes，Ishan’tdoanybetter，shallI，dear？Whatdoyouthink？Youhaven’tgotanyothershadesofred，haveyou？Thisissuchanuglyred。\"
Theshopmanremindsherthatshehasseenalltheotherreds，andthatthisistheparticularshadesheselectedandadmired。
\"Oh，verywell，\"shereplies，withtheairofonefromwhomallearthlycaresarefalling，\"Imusttakethatthen，Isuppose。I
can’tbeworriedaboutitanylonger。I’vewastedhalfthemorningalready。\"
Outsidesherecollectsthreeinsuperableobjectionstothered，andfourunanswerableargumentswhysheshouldhaveselectedthegrey。
Shewonderswouldtheychangeit，ifshewentbackandaskedtoseetheshopwalker？Herfriend，whowantsherlunch，thinksnot。
\"ThatiswhatIhateaboutshopping，\"shesays。\"OneneverhastimetoreallyTHINK。\"
Shesayssheshan’tgotothatshopagain。
Welaughather，butarewesoverymuchbetter？Come，mysuperiormalefriend，haveyouneverstood，amidyourwardrobe，undecidedwhether，inhereyes，youwouldappearmoreimposing，cladintheroughtweedsuitthatsoadmirablydisplaysyourbroadshoulders；orintheorthodoxblackfrock，that，afterall，isperhapsmoresuitabletothefigureofamanapproaching——letussay，thenine-and-twenties？Or，betterstill，whynotridingcostume？DidwenothearhersayhowwellJoneslookedinhistop-bootsandbreeches，and，\"hangitall，\"wehaveabetterlegthanJones。Whatapityriding-breechesaremadesobaggynowadays。Whyisitthatmalefashionstendmoreandmoretohidethemaleleg？Aswomenhavebecomelessandlessashamedoftheirs，wehavebecomemoreandmorereticentofours。Whyarethesilkenhose，thetight-fittingpantaloons，theneatkneebreechesofourforefathersimpossibleto-day？Arewegrownmoremodest——orhastherecomeaboutafallingoff，renderingconcealmentadvisable？
Icanneverunderstand，myself，whywomenloveus。Itmustbeourhonestworth，oursterlingmerit，thatattractsthem——certainlynotourappearance，inapairoftweed\"dittos，\"blackangoracoatandvest，stand-upcollar，andchimney-pothat！No，itmustbeoursheerforceofcharacterthatcompelstheiradmiration。
Whatagoodtimeourancestorsmusthavehadwasborneinuponmewhen，ononeoccasion，Iappearedincharacteratafancydressball。WhatIrepresentedIamunabletosay，andIdon’tparticularlycare。Ionlyknowitwassomethingmilitary。Ialsorememberthatthecostumewastwosizestoosmallformeinthechest，andthereabouts；andthreesizestoolargeformeinthehat。
Ipaddedthehat，anddinedinthemiddleofthedayoffachopandhalfaglassofsoda-water。Ihavegainedprizesasaboyformathematics，alsoforscripturehistory——notoften，butIhavedoneit。Aliterarycritic，nowdead，oncepraisedabookofmine。I
knowtherehavebeenoccasionswhenmyconducthaswontheapprobationofgoodmen；butnever——neverinmywholelife，haveI
feltmoreproud，moresatisfiedwithmyselfthanonthateveningwhen，thelasthookfastened，Igazedatmyfull-lengthSelfinthechevalglass。Iwasadream。Isayitwhoshouldnot；butIamnottheonlyonewhosaidit。Iwasaglitteringdream。Thegroundworkwasred，trimmedwithgoldbraidwherevertherewasroomforgoldbraid；andwheretherewasnomorepossibleroomforgoldbraidtherehunggoldcords，andtassels，andstraps。Goldbuttonsandbucklesfastenedme，goldembroideredbeltsandsashescaressedme，whitehorse-hairplumeswavedo’erme。Iamnotsurethateverythingwasinitsproperplace，butImanagedtogeteverythingonsomehow，andIlookedwell。Itsuitedme。Mysuccesswasarevelationtomeoffemalehumannature。Girlswhohadhithertobeencoldanddistantgatheredroundme，timidlysolicitousofnotice。GirlsonwhomIsmiledlosttheirheadsandgavethemselvesairs。Girlswhowerenotintroducedtomesulkedandwererudetogirlsthathadbeen。Foronepoorchild，withwhomIsatouttwodances（atleastshesat，whileIstoodgracefullybesideher——Ihadbeenadvised，bythecostumier，NOTtosit），Iwassorry。Hewasaworthyyoungfellow，thesonofacottonbroker，andhewouldhavemadeheragoodhusband，Ifeelsure。Buthewasfoolishtocomeasabeer-bottle。
Perhaps，afterall，itisaswellthoseoldfashionshavegoneout。
Aweekinthatsuitmighthaveimpairedmynaturalmodesty。
Onewondersthatfancydressballsarenotmorepopularinthisgreyageofours。Thechildishinstinctto\"dressup，\"to\"makebelieve，\"iswithusall。Wegrowsotiredofbeingalwaysourselves。Atea-tablediscussion，atwhichIonceassisted，fellintothis：-Wouldanyoneofus，whenitcametothepoint，changewithanybodyelse，thepoormanwiththemillionaire，thegovernesswiththeprincess——changenotonlyoutwardcircumstancesandsurroundings，buthealthandtemperament，heart，brain，andsoul；sothatnotonementalorphysicalparticleofone’soriginalselfonewouldretain，saveonlymemory？Thegeneralopinionwasthatwewouldnot，butoneladymaintainedtheaffirmative。
\"Ohno，youwouldn’treally，dear，\"arguedafriend；\"youTHINKyouwould。\"
\"Yes，Iwould，\"persistedthefirstlady；\"Iamtiredofmyself。
I’devenbeyou，forachange。\"
Inmyyouth，thequestionchieflyimportanttomewas——WhatsortofmanshallIdecidetobe？Atnineteenoneasksoneselfthisquestion；atthirty-ninewesay，\"IwishFatehadn’tmademethissortofman。\"
InthosedaysIwasareaderofmuchwell-meantadvicetoyoungmen，andIgatheredthat，whetherIshouldbecomeaSirLancelot，aHerrTeufelsdrockh，oranIagowasamatterformyownindividualchoice。
WhetherIshouldgothroughlifegailyorgravelywasaquestiontheprosandconsofwhichIcarefullyconsidered。ForpatternsI
turnedtobooks。Byronwasthenstillpopular，andmanyofusmadeupourmindstobegloomy，saturnineyoungmen，wearywiththeworld，andpronetosoliloquy。Ideterminedtojointhem。
ForamonthIrarelysmiled，or，whenIdid，itwaswithaweary，bittersmile，concealingabrokenheart——atleastthatwastheintention。Shallow-mindedobserversmisunderstood。
\"Iknowexactlyhowitfeels，\"theywouldsay，lookingatmesympathetically，\"Ioftenhaveitmyself。It’sthesuddenchangeintheweather，Ithink；\"andtheywouldpressneatbrandyuponme，andsuggestginger。
Again，itisdistressingtotheyoungman，busyburyinghissecretsorrowunderamoundofsilence，tobeslappedonthebackbycommonplacepeopleandasked——\"Well，how’s’thehump’thismorning？\"
andtohearhismoodofdignifiedmelancholyreferredto，bythosewhoshouldknowbetter，as\"thesulks。\"
TherearepracticaldifficultiesalsointhewayofhimwhowouldplaytheByronicyounggentleman。Hemustbesupernaturallywicked——orrathermusthavebeen；only，alas！intheunliterarygrammaroflife，wherethefuturetensestandsfirst，andthepastisformed，notfromtheindefinite，butfromthepresentindicative，\"tohavebeen\"is\"tobe\"；andtobewickedonasmallincomeisimpossible。Theruinofeventhesimplestofmaidenscostsmoney。
IntheCourtsofLoveonecannotsueinformapauperis；norwoulditbetheByronicmethod。
\"Todrownremembranceinthecup\"soundswell，butthenthe\"cup，\"
tobefitting，shouldbeofsomeexpensivebrand。TodrinkdeepofoldTokayorAstiispoetical；butwhenone’spursenecessitatesthatthedraught，ifitistobedeepenoughtodrownanything，shouldbeofthinbeeratfive-and-ninethefourandahalfgalloncask，orsomethingsimilarinprice，sinisrobbedofitsflavour。
Possiblyalso——letmethinkit——theconvictionmayhavebeenwithinmethatVice，evenatitsdaintiest，isbutanugly，sordidthing，repulsiveinthesunlight；thatthough——asragsanddirttoart——itmayaffordpicturesquematerialtoLiterature，itisanevil-smellinggarmenttothewearer；onethatagoodman，byreasonofpovertyofwill，maycomedownto，butonetobeavoidedwithallone’seffort，discardedwithreturningmentalprosperity。
Bethisasitmay，Igrewwearyoftrainingforasaturnineyoungman；and，inthemidstofmydoubt，Ichanceduponabooktheheroofwhichwasadebonnaireyoungbuck，owncousintoTomandJerry。
Heattendedfights，bothofcocksandmen，flirtedwithactresses，wrenchedoffdoor-knockers，extinguishedstreetlamps，playedmanyamerryjestuponmanyanunappreciativenightwatch-man。Forallthewhichhewasmuchbelovedbythewomenofthebook。WhyshouldnotIflirtwithactresses，putoutstreetlamps，playpranksonpolicemen，andbebeloved？Londonlifewaschangedsincethedaysofmyhero，butmuchremained，andtheheartofwomaniseternal。
Ifnolongerprizefightingwastobehad，atleasttherewereboxingcompetitions，socalled，indingybackparloursoutWhitechapelway。
Thoughcockfightingwasalostsport，weretherenotdampcellarsneartheriverwherefortwopenceagentlemanmightbackmongrelterrierstokillratsagainsttime，andfeelhimselfindeedasportsman？True，theatmosphereofrecklessgaiety，alwayssurroundingmyhero，Imissedmyselffromthesescenes，findinginitsplaceanatmospheremoresuggestiveofgin，staletobacco，andnervousapprehensionofthepolice；buttheessentialsmusthavebeenthesame，andthenextmorningIcouldexclaimintheverywordsofmyprototype——\"Oddscrickets，butIfeelasthoughthedevilhimselfwereinmyhead。Pestetakemeforafool。\"
Butinthisdirectionlikewisemyfatallackofmeansopposedme。
（Itaffordsmuchfoodtothephilosophicmind，thisinfluenceofincomeuponcharacter。）Evenfifth-rate\"boxingcompetitions，\"
organizedby\"friendlyleads，\"andrattingcontestsinRotherhitheslums，becomeexpensive，whenyouhappentobetheonlygentlemanpresentpossessedofacollar，andareexpectedtodothehonoursofyourclassindog’s-nose。True，climbinglamp-postsandputtingoutthegasisfairlycheap，providingalwaysyouarenotcaughtintheact，butasarecreationitlacksvariety。NoristhemodernLondonlamp-postadaptedtosport。Anythingmoredifficulttogrip——anythingwithless\"give\"init——Ihaverarelyclasped。Thedisgracefulamountofdirtallowedtoaccumulateuponitisanotherdrawbackfromtheclimber’spointofview。Bythetimeyouhaveswarmedupyourthirdpostapositivedistastefor\"gaiety\"stealsoveryou。Yourdesireistowardsarnicaandabath。
Norinjokesattheexpenseofpolicemenisthefunentirelyonyourside。MaybeIdidnotproceedwithjudgment。Itoccurstomenow，lookingback，thattheneighbourhoodsofCoventGardenandGreatMarlboroughStreetwereill-chosenforsportofthisnature。Tobonnetafatpolicemanisexcellentfooling。Whileheisstrugglingwithhishelmetyoucanaskhimcomicquestions，andbythetimehehasgothisheadfreeyouareoutofsight。Butthegameshouldbeplayedinadistrictwherethereisnotanaverageofthreeconstablestoeverydozensquareyards。Whentwootherpolicemen，whohavehadtheireyeonyouforthepasttenminutes，arewatchingtheproceedingsfromjustroundthenextcorner，youhavelittleornoleisurefordueenjoymentofthesituation。BythetimeyouhaverunthewholelengthofGreatTitchfieldStreetandtwiceroundOxfordMarket，youareofopinionthatajokeshouldneverbeprolongedbeyondthepointatwhichthereisdangerofitsbecomingwearisome；andthatthetimehasnowarrivedforhomeandfriends。
The\"Law，\"ontheotherhand，nowraisedbyreinforcementstoastrengthofsixorsevenmen，isjustbeginningtoenjoythechase。
Youpicturetoyourself，whiledoingHanoverSquare，thesceneinCourtthenextmorning。Youwillbeaccusedofbeingdrunkanddisorderly。Itwillbeidleforyoutoexplaintothemagistrate（ortoyourrelationsafterwards）thatyouwereonlytryingtoliveuptoamanwhodidthissortofthinginabookandwasadmiredforit。Youwillbefinedtheusualfortyshillings；andonthenextoccasionofyourcallingattheMayfields’thegirlswillbeout，andMrs。Mayfield，anexcellentlady，whohasalwaystakenamotherlyinterestinyou，willtalkseriouslytoyouandurgeyoutosignthepledge。
ThankstoyouryouthandconstitutionyoushakeoffthepursuitatNottingHill；and，toavoidanychanceofunpleasantcontretempsonthereturnjourney，walkhometoBloomsburybywayofCamdenTownandIslington。
IabandonedsportivetendenciesastheresultofavowmadebymyselftoProvidence，duringtheearlyhoursofacertainSundaymorning，whileclingingtothewaterspoutofanunpretentioushousesituateinasidestreetoffSoho。IputittoProvidenceasmantoman。\"Letmeonlygetoutofthis，\"IthinkwerethemutteredwordsIused，\"andnomore’sport’forme。\"Providenceclosedontheoffer，anddidletmegetoutofit。True，itwasacomplicated\"getout，\"involvingabrokenskylightandthreegasglobes，twohoursinacoalcellar，andasovereigntoapotmanfortheloanofanulster；andwhenatlast，secureinmychamber，Itookstockofmyself——whatwasleftofme，——IcouldnotbutreflectthatProvidencemighthavedonethejobneater。YetIexperiencednodesiretoescapethetermsofthecovenant；myincliningforthefuturewastowardsalifeofsimplicity。
Accordingly，Icastaboutforanewcharacter，andfoundonetosuitme。TheGermanprofessorwasbecomingpopularasaheroaboutthisperiod。Heworehishairlongandwasotherwiseuntidy，buthehad\"aheartofsteel，\"occasionallyofgold。Themajorityoffolksinthebook，judginghimfromhisexteriortogetherwithhisconversation——inbrokenEnglish，dealingchieflywithhisdeadmotherandhislittlesisterLisa，——dubbedhimuninteresting，butthentheydidnotknowabouttheheart。Hischiefpossessionwasalamedogwhichhehadrescuedfromabrutalmob；andwhenhewasnottalkingbrokenEnglishhewasnursingthisdog。
Buthisspecialitywasstoppingrunawayhorses，therebysavingtheheroine’slife。This，combinedwiththebrokenEnglishandthedog，renderedhimirresistible。
Heseemedapeaceful，amiablesortofcreature，andIdecidedtotryhim。IcouldnotofcoursebeaGermanprofessor，butIcould，anddid，wearmyhairlonginspiteofmuchpublicadvicetothecontrary，voicedchieflybysmallboys。Iendeavouredtoobtainpossessionofalamedog，butfailed。Aone-eyeddealerinSevenDials，towhom，asalastresource，Iapplied，offeredtolameoneformeforanextrafiveshillings，butthissuggestionIdeclined。
Icameacrossanuncanny-lookingmongrellateonenight。Hewasnotlame，butheseemedprettysick；and，feelingIwasnotrobbinganybodyofanythingveryvaluable，Iluredhimhomeandnursedhim。
IfancyImusthaveover-nursedhim。Hegotsohealthyintheend，therewasnodoinganythingwithhim。Hewasanill-conditionedcur，andhewastoooldtobetaught。Hebecamethecurseoftheneighbourhood。Hisideaofsportwaskillingchickensandsneakingrabbitsfromoutsidepoulterers’shops。Forrecreationhekilledcatsandfrightenedsmallchildrenbyyelpingroundtheirlegs。
ThereweretimeswhenIcouldhavelamedhimmyself，ifonlyIcouldhavegotholdofhim。Imadenothingbyrunningthatdog——nothingwhatever。People，insteadofadmiringmefornursinghimbacktolife，calledmeafool，andsaidthatifIdidn’tdrownthebrutetheywould。Hespoiltmycharacterutterly——Imeanmycharacteratthisperiod。Itisdifficulttoposeasayoungmanwithaheartofgold，whendiscoveredinthemiddleoftheroadthrowingstonesatyourowndog。Andstonesweretheonlythingsthatwouldreachandinfluencehim。
Iwasalsohamperedbyascarcityinrunawayhorses。Thehorseofoursuburbwasnotthattypeofhorse。Onceandonlyoncedidanopportunityofferitselfforpractice。Itwasagoodopportunity，inasmuchashewasnotrunningawayverygreatly。Indeed，Idoubtifheknewhimselfthathewasrunningaway。Ittranspiredafterwardsthatitwasahabitofhis，afterwaitingforhisdriveroutsidetheRoseandCrownforwhatheconsideredtobeareasonableperiod，totrothomeonhisownaccount。Hepassedmegoingaboutsevenmilesanhour，withthereinsdraggingconvenientlybesidehim。Hewastheverythingforabeginner，andIpreparedmyself。
Atthecriticalmoment，however，acoupleofofficiouspolicemenpushedmeasideanddiditthemselves。
Therewasnothingformetoregret，asthematterturnedout。I
shouldonlyhaverescuedabald-headedcommercialtraveller，verydrunk，whosworehorribly，andpeltedthecrowdwithemptycollar-boxes。
FromthewindowofaveryhighflatIoncewatchedthreemen，resolvedtostoparunawayhorse。Eachmanmarcheddeliberatelyintothemiddleoftheroadandtookuphisstand。Mywindowwastoofarawayformetoseetheirfaces，buttheirattitudesuggestedheroismuntodeath。Thefirstman，asthehorsecamechargingtowardshim，faceditwithhisarmsspreadout。Heneverflincheduntilthehorsewaswithinabouttwentyyardsofhim。Then，astheanimalwasevidentlydeterminedtocontinueitswildcareer，therewasnothingleftforhimtodobuttoretireagaintothekerb，wherehestoodlookingafteritwithevidentsorrow，asthoughsayingtohimself——\"Oh，well，ifyouaregoingtobeheadstrongI
havedonewithyou。\"
Thesecondman，onthecatastrophebeingthusleftclearforhim，withoutamoment’shesitation，walkedupabyestreetanddisappeared。Thethirdmanstoodhisground，and，asthehorsepassedhim，yelledatit。Icouldnothearwhathesaid。Ihavenottheslightestdoubtitwasexcellentadvice，buttheanimalwasapparentlytooexcitedeventolisten。Thefirstandthethirdmanmetafterwards，anddiscussedthemattersympathetically。Ijudgedtheywereregrettingthepig-headednessofrunawayhorsesingeneral，andhopingthatnobodyhadbeenhurt。
IforgettheothercharactersIassumedaboutthisperiod。One，I
know，thatgotmeintoagooddealoftroublewasthatofadownright，honest，hearty，outspokenyoungmanwhoalwayssaidwhathemeant。
Ineverknewbutonemanwhomadearealsuccessofspeakinghismind。Ihaveheardhimslapthetablewithhisopenhandandexclaim——
\"Youwantmetoflatteryou——tostuffyouupwithapackoflies。
That’snotme，that’snotJimCompton。Butifyoucareformyhonestopinion，allIcansayis，thatchildisthemostmarvellousperformeronthepianoI’veeverheard。Idon’tsaysheisagenius，butIhaveheardLisztandMetzlerandallthecrackplayers，andIpreferHER。That’smyopinion。Ispeakmymind，andIcan’thelpitifyou’reoffended。\"
\"Howrefreshing，\"theparentswouldsay，\"tocomeacrossamanwhoisnotafraidtosaywhathereallythinks。Whyarewenotalloutspoken？\"
ThelastcharacterIattemptedIthoughtwouldbeeasytoassume。
Itwasthatofamuchadmiredandbelovedyoungman，whosegreatcharmlayinthefactthathewasalwaysjust——himself。Otherpeopleposedandacted。Henevermadeanyefforttobeanythingbuthisownnatural，simpleself。
IthoughtIalsowouldbemyownnatural，simpleself。Butthenthequestionarose——Whatwasmyownnatural，simpleself？
ThatwasthepreliminaryproblemIhadtosolve；Ihavenotsolvedittothisday。WhatamI？Iamagreatgentleman，walkingthroughtheworldwithdauntlessheartandheaderect，scornfulofallmeanness，impatientofalllittleness。Iamamean-thinking，little-daringman——thetypeofmanthatIofthedauntlessheartandtheerectheaddespisegreatly——crawlingtoapoorendbydeviousways，cringingtothestrong，timidofallpain。I——but，dearreader，IwillnotsaddenyoursensitiveearswithdetailsIcouldgiveyou，showinghowcontemptibleacreaturethiswretchedI
happenstobe。Norwouldyouunderstandme。Youwouldonlybeastonished，discoveringthatsuchdisreputablespecimensofhumanitycontrivetoexistinthisage。Itisbest，mydearsir，ormadam，youshouldremainignorantoftheseevilpersons。Letmenottroubleyouwithknowledge。
Iamaphilosopher，greetingalikethethunderandthesunshinewithfrolicwelcome。Onlynowandthen，whenallthingsdonotfallexactlyasIwishthem，whenfoolish，wickedpeoplewillpersistindoingfoolish，wickedacts，affectingmycomfortandhappiness，I
rageandfretagoodishdeal。
AsHeinesaidofhimself，Iamknight，too，oftheHolyGrail，valiantfortheTruth，reverentofallwomen，honouringallmen，eagertoyieldlifetotheserviceofmygreatCaptain。
Andnextmoment，Ifindmyselfintheenemy’slines，fightingundertheblackbanner。（ItmustbeconfusingtotheseopposingGenerals，alltheirsoldiersbeingdesertersfrombotharmies。）Whatarewomenbutmen’splaythings！Shalltherebenomorecakesandaleformebecausethouartvirtuous！Whataremenbuthungrydogs，contendingeachagainsteachforalimitedsupplyofbones！Dootherslestthoubedone。WhatistheTruthbutanunexplodedlie！
Iamaloverofalllivingthings。You，mypoorsister，strugglingwithyourheavyburdenonyourlonelyway，Iwouldkissthetearsfromyourworncheeks，lightenwithmylovethedarknessaroundyourfeet。You，mypatientbrother，breathinghardasroundandroundyoutrampthetroddenpath，likesomepoorhalf-blindgin-horse，stripesyouronlyencouragement，scantystoreofdrychaffinyourmanger！Iwouldjogbesideyou，takingthestrainalittlefromyourachingshoulders；andwewouldwalknodding，ourheadssidebyside，andyou，remembering，shouldtellmeofthefieldswherelongagoyouplayed，ofthegallantracesthatyouranandwon。Andyou，littlepinchedbrats，withwonderingeyes，lookingfromdirt-encrustedfaces，Iwouldtakeyouinmyarmsandtellyoufairystories。Intothesweetlandofmake-believewewouldwander，leavingthesadoldworldbehindusforatime，andyoushouldbePrincesandPrincesses，andknowLove。
Butagain，aselfish，greedymancomesoften，andsitsinmyclothes。Amanwhofretsawayhislife，planninghowtogetmoremoney——morefood，moreclothes，morepleasuresforhimself；amansobusythinkingofthemanythingsheneedshehasnotimetodwellupontheneedsofothers。Hedeemshimselfthecentreoftheuniverse。Youwouldimagine，hearinghimgrumbling，thattheworldhadbeencreatedandgotreadyagainstthetimewhenheshouldcometotakehispleasureinit。Hewouldpushandtrample，heedless，reachingtowardsthesemanydesiresofhis；andwhen，grabbing，hemisses，hecursesHeavenforitsinjustice，andmenandwomenforgettinginhispath。Heisnotaniceman，inanyway。Iwish，asIsay，hewouldnotcomesooftenandsitinmyclothes。HepersiststhatheisI，andthatIamonlyasentimentalfool，spoilinghischances。Sometimes，forawhile，Igetridofhim，buthealwayscomesback；andthenhegetsridofmeandIbecomehim。
Itisveryconfusing。SometimesIwonderifIreallyammyself。
ONTHEDISADVANTAGEOFNOTGETTINGWHATONEWANTS
Long，longago，whenyouandI，dearReader，wereyoung，whenthefairiesdweltintheheartsoftheroses，whenthemoonbeamsbenteachnightbeneaththeweightofangels’feet，therelivedagood，wiseman。Orrather，Ishouldsay，therehadlived，foratthetimeofwhichIspeakthepooroldgentlemanlaydying。Waitingeachmomentthedreadsummons，hefella-musingonthelifethatstretchedfarbackbehindhim。Howfullitseemedtohimatthatmomentoffolliesandmistakes，bringingbittertearsnottohimselfalonebuttoothersalso。Howmuchbrighteraroadmightithavebeen，hadhebeenwiser，hadheknown！
\"Ah，me！\"saidthegoodoldgentleman，\"ifonlyIcouldlivemylifeagaininthelightofexperience。\"
NowashespokethesewordshefeltthedrawingneartohimofaPresence，andthinkingitwastheOnewhomheexpected，raisinghimselfalittlefromhisbed，hefeeblycried，\"Iamready。\"
Butahandforcedhimgentlyback，avoicesaying，\"Notyet；Ibringlife，notdeath。Yourwishshallbegranted。Youshallliveyourlifeagain，andtheknowledgeofthepastshallbewithyoutoguideyou。Seeyouuseit。Iwillcomeagain。\"
Thenasleepfelluponthegoodman，andwhenheawoke，hewasagainalittlechild，lyinginhismother’sarms；but，lockedwithinhisbrainwastheknowledgeofthelifethathehadlivedalready。
Sooncemorehelivedandlovedandlaboured。Soasecondtimehelayanold，wornmanwithlifebehindhim。Andtheangelstoodagainbesidehisbed；andthevoicesaid，\"Well，areyoucontentnow？\"
\"Iamwellcontent，\"saidtheoldgentleman。\"LetDeathcome。\"
\"Andhaveyouunderstood？\"askedtheangel。
\"Ithinkso，\"wastheanswer；\"thatexperienceisbutasofthememoryofthepathwayshehastrodtoatravellerjourneyingeveronwardintoanunknownland。Ihavebeenwiseonlytoreaptherewardoffolly。Knowledgehasofttimeskeptmefrommygood。I
haveavoidedmyoldmistakesonlytofallintoothersthatIknewnotof。Ihavereachedtheolderrorsbynewroads。WhereIhaveescapedsorrowIhavelostjoy。WhereIhavegraspedhappinessI
havepluckedpainalso。NowletmegowithDeaththatImaylearn……\"
Whichwassoliketheangelofthatperiod，thegivingofagift，bringingtoamanonlymoretrouble。MaybeIamoverratingmycoolnessofjudgmentundersomewhatstartlingcircumstances，butI
aminclinedtothinkthat，hadIlivedinthosedays，andhadafairyoranangelcometome，wantingtogivemesomething——mysoul’sdesire，orthesumofmyambition，oranytrifleofthatkindIshouldhavebeenshortwithhim。
\"Youpackupthatpreciousbagoftricksofyours，\"Ishouldhavesaidtohim（itwouldhavebeenrude，butthatishowIshouldhavefelt），\"andgetoutsidewithit。I’mnottakinganythinginyourlineto-day。Idon’trequireanysupernaturalaidtogetmeintotrouble。AlltheworryIwantIcangetdownhere，soit’snogoodyourcalling。Youtakethatlittlejokeofyours，——Idon’tknowwhatitis，butIknowenoughnottowanttoknow，——andrunitoffonsomeotheridiot。I’mnotpriggish。Ihavenoobjectiontoaninnocentgameof’catch-questions’intheordinaryway，andwhenI
getaturnmyself。ButifI’vegottopayeverytime，andthestakesaretobemyearthlyhappinessplusmyfutureexistence——why，Idon’tplay。TherewasthecaseofMidas；anice，shabbytrickyoufellowsplayedoffuponhim！makingpretenceyoudidnotunderstandhim，twistingroundthepooroldfellow’swords，justforalltheworldasthoughyouwereapackofOldBaileylawyers，tryingtotripupawitness；I’mashamedofthelotofyou，andItellyouso——
comingdownhere，foolingpoorunsuspectingmortalswithyournonsense，asthoughwehadnotenoughtoharryusasitwas。Thentherewasthatothercaseofthepooroldpeasantcoupletowhomyoupromisedthreewishes，thewholethingendinginablackpudding。
Andtheynevergoteventhat。Youthoughtthatfunny，Isuppose。
Thatwasyourfairyhumour！Apity，Isay，youhavenot，allofyou，somethingbettertodowithyourtime。AsIsaidbefore，youtakethatcelestial’JoeMiller’ofyoursandworkitoffonsomebodyelse。Ihavereadmyfairylore，andIhavereadmymythology，andIdon’twantanyofyourblessings。Andwhat’smore，I’mnotgoingtohavethem。WhenIwantblessingsIwillputupwiththeusualsortweareaccustomedtodownhere。YouknowtheonesImean，thedisguisedbrand——theblessingsthatnohumanbeingwouldthinkwereblessings，ifhewerenottold；theblessingsthatdon’tlooklikeblessings，thatdon’tfeellikeblessings；that，asamatteroffact，arenotblessings，practicallyspeaking；theblessingsthatotherpeoplethinkareblessingsforusandthatwedon’t。They’vegottheirdrawbacks，buttheyarebetterthanyours，atanyrate，andtheyaresoonerover。Idon’twantyourblessingsatanyprice。IfyouleaveonehereIshallsimplythrowitoutafteryou。\"
IfeelconfidentIshouldhaveansweredinthatstrain，andIfeelitwouldhavedonegood。Somebodyoughttohavespokenplainly，becausewithfairiesandangelsofthatsortfoolingabout，noonewaseversafeforamoment。Childrencouldhardlyhavebeenallowedoutsidethedoor。Onenevercouldhavetoldwhatsillytricksomewould-befunnyfairymightbewaitingtoplayoffonthem。Thepoorchildwouldnotknow，andwouldthinkitwasgettingsomethingworthhaving。Thewondertomeisthatsomeofthoseangelsdidn’tgettarredandfeathered。
IamdoubtfulwhetherevenCinderella’sluckwasquiteassatisfyingasweareledtobelieve。Afterthecarpetlesskitchenandtheblackbeetles，howbeautifulthepalacemusthaveseemed——forthefirstyear，perhapsforthefirsttwo。AndthePrince！howloving，howgallant，howtender——forthefirstyear，perhapsforthefirsttwo。Andafter？YouseehewasaPrince，broughtupinaCourt，theatmosphereofwhichisnotconducivetothedevelopmentofthedomesticvirtues；andshe——wasCinderella。Andthenthemarriagealtogetherwasratherahurriedaffair。Ohyes，sheisagood，lovinglittlewoman；butperhapsourRoyalHighness-shipdidacttoomuchontheimpulseofthemoment。Itwasherdear，daintyfeetthatdancedtheirwayintoourheart。Howtheyflashedandtwinkled，easedinthosefairyslippers。Howlikealilyamongtulipsshemovedthatnightamidtheover-gorgeousCourtdames。Shewassosweet，sofresh，sodifferenttoalltheotherswhomweknewsowell。Howhappyshelookedassheputhertremblinglittlehandinours。Whatpossibilitiesmightliebehindthosedroopinglashes。
Andwewereinamorousmoodthatnight，themusicinourfeet，theflashandglitterinoureyes。Andthen，topiqueusfurther，shedisappearedassuddenlyandstrangelyasshehadcome。Whowasshe？
Whencecameshe？Whatwasthemysterysurroundingher？Wassheonlyadeliciousdream，ahauntingphantasythatweshouldneverlookuponagain，neverclaspagainwithinourlongingarms？Wasourhearttobeforeverhungry，hauntedbythememoryof——No，byheavens，sheisreal，andawoman。Hereisherdearslipper，madesurelytobekissed。Ofasizetoothatamanmaywellwearwithinthebreastofhisdoublet。Hadanywoman——nay，fairy，angel，suchdearfeet！Searchthewholekingdomthrough，butfindher，findher。Thegodshaveheardourprayers，andgivenusthisclue。
\"Supposeshebenotallsheseemed。Supposeshebenotofbirthfittomatewithournoblehouse！\"Outuponthee，foranearth-bound，blindcurmudgeonofaLordHighChancellor。Howcouldawoman，whomsuchslipperfitted，bebutofthenoblestandthebest，asfaraboveus，merePrinceletthatweare，asthestarsinheavenarebrighterthanthydulloldeyes！Go，searchthekingdom，wetellthee，fromeasttowest，fromnorthtosouth，andseetoitthatthoufindesther，oritshallgohardwiththee。ByVenus，besheaswineherd’sdaughter，sheshallbeourQueen——anshedeigntoacceptofus，andofourkingdom。
Ahwell，ofcourse，itwasnotawisepieceofbusiness，thatgoeswithoutsaying；butwewereyoung，andPrincesareonlyhuman。Poorchild，shecouldnothelphereducation，orratherherlackofit。
Dearlittlething，thewonderisthatshehascontrivedtobenomoreignorantthansheis，draggedupasshewas，neglectedandoverworked。Nordoeslifeinakitchen，amidthecompanionshipofpeasantsandmenials，tendtofostertheintellect。Whocanblameherforbeingshyandsomewhatdullofthought？notwe，generous-
minded，kind-heartedPrincethatweare。Andsheisveryaffectionate。Thefamilyaretrying，certainly；father-in-lawnotabadsort，thoughalittleprosywhenuponthesubjectofhisdomestictroubles，andalittletoofondofhisglass；mamma-in-law，andthosetwougly，ill-manneredsisters，decidedlyanuisanceaboutthepalace。Yetwhatcanwedo？theyareourrelationsnow，andtheydonotforgettoletusknowit。Well，well，wehadtoexpectthat，andthingsmighthavebeenworse。Anyhowsheisnotjealous——
thankgoodness。
SothedaycomeswhenpoorlittleCinderellasitsaloneofanightinthebeautifulpalace。Thecourtiershavegonehomeintheircarriages。TheLordHighChancellorhasbowedhimselfoutbackwards。TheGold-Stick-in-WaitingandtheGroomsoftheChamberhavegonetotheirbeds。TheMaidsofHonourhavesaid\"Good-
night，\"anddriftedoutofthedoor，laughingandwhisperingamongthemselves。Theclockstrikestwelve——one——two，andstillnofootstepcreaksuponthestair。Onceitfollowedswiftlyuponthe\"good-night\"ofthemaids，whodidnotlaughorwhisperthen。
Atlastthedooropens，andthePrinceenters，nonetoopleasedatfindingCinderellastillawake。\"SosorryI’mlate，mylove——
detainedonaffairsofstate。Foreignpolicyverycomplicated，dear。HaveonlyjustthismomentlefttheCouncilChamber。\"
AndlittleCinderella，whilethePrincesleeps，liessobbingoutherpoorsadheartintothebeautifulroyalpillow，embroideredwiththeroyalarmsandedgedwiththeroyalmonograminlace。\"Whydidheevermarryme？Ishouldhavebeenhappierintheoldkitchen。Theblackbeetlesdidfrightenmealittle，buttherewasalwaysthedearoldcat；andsometimes，whenmotherandthegirlswereout，papawouldcallsoftlydownthekitchenstairsformetocomeup，andwewouldhavesuchamerryeveningtogether，andsupoffsausages：dearolddad，Ihardlyeverseehimnow。Andthen，whenmyworkwasdone，howpleasantitwastositinfrontofthefire，anddreamofthewonderfulthingsthatwouldcometomesomeday。I
wasalwaysgoingtobeaPrincess，eveninmydreams，andliveinapalace，butitwassodifferenttothis。Oh，howIhateit，thisbeastlypalacewhereeverybodysneersatme——Iknowtheydo，thoughtheybowandscrape，andpretendtobesopolite。AndI’mnotcleverandsmartastheyare。Ihatethem。Ihatethesebold-facedwomenwhoarealwayshere。Thatistheworstofapalace，everybodycancomein。Oh，Ihateeverybodyandeverything。Oh，god-mamma，god-mamma，comeandtakemeaway。Takemebacktomyoldkitchen。
Givemebackmyoldpoorfrock。Letmedanceagainwiththefire-
tongsforapartner，andbehappy，dreaming。\"
PoorlittleCinderella，perhapsitwouldhavebeenbetterhadgod-
mammabeenlessambitiousforyou，dear；hadyoumarriedsomegood，honestyeoman，whowouldneverhaveknownthatyouwerenotbrilliant，whowouldhavelovedyoubecauseyouwerejustamiableandpretty；hadyourkingdombeenonlyafarmhouse，whereyourknowledgeofdomesticeconomy，gainedsohardly，wouldhavebeenuseful；whereyouwouldhaveshoneinsteadofbeingovershadowed；
wherePapawouldhavedroppedinofaneveningtosmokehispipeandescapefromhisdomesticwrangles；whereyouwouldhavebeenREAL
Queen。
Butthenyouknow，dear，youwouldnothavebeencontent。Ahyes，withyourpresentexperience——nowyouknowthatQueensaswellaslittledrudgeshavetheirtroubles；butWITHOUTthatexperience？
Youwouldhavelookedintheglasswhenyouwerealone；youwouldhavelookedatyourshapelyhandsandfeet，andtheshadowswouldhavecrossedyourprettyface。\"Yes，\"youwouldhavesaidtoyourself——\"Johnisadear，kindfellow，andIlovehimverymuch，andallthat，but——\"andtheolddreams，dreamtintheoldlow-
ceilingedkitchenbeforethedyingfire，wouldhavecomebacktoyou，andyouwouldhavebeendiscontentedthenasnow，onlyinadifferentway。Ohyes，youwould，Cinderella，thoughyougravelyshakeyourgold-crownedhead。Andletmetellyouwhy。Itisbecauseyouareawoman，andthefateofallus，menandwomenalike，istobeforeverwantingwhatwehavenot，andtobefinding，whenwehaveit，thatitisnotwhatwewanted。Thatisthelawoflife，dear。Doyouthinkasyoulieuponthefloorwithyourheaduponyourarms，thatyouaretheonlywomanwhosetearsaresoakingintothehearthrugatthatmoment？MydearPrincess，ifyoucouldcreepunseenaboutyourCity，peepingatwillthroughthecurtain-shieldedwindows，youwouldcometothinkthatalltheworldwaslittleelsethanabignurseryfullofcryingchildrenwithnonetocomfortthem。Thedollisbroken：nolongeritsweetlysqueaksinanswertoourpressure，\"Iloveyou，kissme。\"Thedrumliessilentwiththedrumstickinside；nolongerdowemakeabravenoiseinthenursery。Theboxoftea-thingswehaveclumsilyputourfootupon；therewillbenomoremerrypartiesaroundthethree-leggedstool。Thetintrumpetwillnotplaythenotewewanttosound；thewoodenbrickskeepfallingdown；thetoycannonhasexplodedandburntourfingers。Nevermind，littleman，littlewoman，wewilltryandmendthingstomorrow。
Andafterall，Cinderelladear，youdoliveinafinepalace，andyouhavejewelsandgranddressesand——No，no，donotbeindignantwithME。DidnotyoudreamofthesethingsASWELLASoflove？
Comenow，behonest。Itwasalwaysaprince，wasitnot，or，attheleast，anexceedinglywell-to-doparty，thathandsomeyounggentlemanwhobowedtoyousogallantlyfromtheredembers？Hewasneveravirtuousyoungcommercialtraveller，orculturedclerk，earningasalaryofthreepoundsaweek，washe，Cinderella？Yettherearemanycharmingcommercialtravellers，manydelightfulclerkswithlimitedincomes，quitesufficient，however，toasensiblemanandwomandesiringbuteachother’slove。Whywasitalwaysaprince，Cinderella？Hadthepalaceandtheliveriedservants，andthecarriagesandhorses，andthejewelsandthedresses，NOTHINGtodowiththedream？
