No，Cinderella，youwerehuman，thatisall。Theartist，shiveringinhisconventionalattic，dreamingofFame！-doyouthinkheisnothopingshewillcometohislovingarmsintheformJovecametoDanae？Doyouthinkheisnotreckoningalsouponthegooddinnersandthebigcigars，thefurcoatandthediamondstuds，thathervisitswillenablehimtopurchase？
Thereisacertainpictureverypopularjustnow。Youmayseeit，Cinderella，inmanyoftheshop-windowsofthetown。Itiscalled\"TheDreamofLove，\"anditrepresentsabeautifulyounggirl，sleepinginaverybeautifulbutsomewhatdisarrangedbed。Indeed，onehopes，forthesleeper’ssake，thatthenightiswarm，andthattheroomisfairlyfreefromdraughts。Aladderoflightstreamsdownfromtheskyintotheroom，anduponthisladdercrowdandjostleoneanotherasmallarmyofplumpCupids，eachoneladenwithsomepledgeoflove。TwooftheImpsareemptyingasackofjewelsuponthefloor。Fourothersarebearing，welldisplayed，amagnificentdress（a\"confection，\"Ibelieve，istheproperterm）
cutsomewhatlow，butmakingupintrainwhatislackingelsewhere。
Othersbearbonnetboxesfromwhichpeepstylishtoquesandbewitchinghoods。Some，representingevidentlywholesalehouses，staggerundersilksandsatinsinthepiece。Cupidsaretherefromtheshoemakerswiththedaintiestofbottines。Stockings，garters，andevenlessmentionablearticles，arenotforgotten。Caskets，mirrors，twelve-buttonedgloves，scent-bottlesandhandkerchiefs，hair-pins，andthegayestofparasols，hastheGodofLovepiledintothearmsofhismessengers。Reallyamostpractical，up-to-
dateGodofLove，movingwiththetimes！OnefeelsthatthemodernTempleofLovemustbeasortofSwanandEdgar’s；thegodhimselfakindofcelestialshop-walker；whilehismother，Venus，nodoubtsuperintendsthecostumedepartment。QuiteanOlympianWhiteley，thislatter-dayEros；hehasforgottennothing，for，atthebackofthepicture，InoticeoneCupidcarryingaratherfatheartattheendofastring。
You，Cinderella，couldgivegoodcounseltothatsleepingchild。
Youwouldsaytoher——\"Awakefromsuchdreams。Thecontentsofapawnbroker’sstore-roomwillnotbringyouhappiness。Dreamofloveifyouwill；thatisawisedream，evenifitremaineveradream。
Butthesecolouredbeads，theseManchestergoods！areyouthen——you，heiressofalltheages——stillatheartonlyassomepoorsavagemaidenbutlittleremovedabovethemonkeysthatsharetheprimevalforestwithher？WillyousellyourgoldtothefirsttraderthatbringsyouTHISbarter？Thesethings，child，willonlydazzleyoureyesforafewdays。DoyouthinktheBurlingtonArcadeisthegateofHeaven？\"
Ah，yes，Itoocouldtalklikethat——I，writerofbooks，totheyounglad，sickofhisofficestool，dreamingofaliterarycareerleadingtofameandfortune。\"Anddoyouthink，lad，thatbythatroadyouwillreachHappinesssoonerthanbyanother？Doyouthinkinterviewswithyourselfinpennyweeklieswillbringyouanysatisfactionafterthefirsthalfdozen？Doyouthinkthegushingfemalewhohasreadallyourbooks，andwhowonderswhatitmustfeelliketobesoclever，willbewelcometoyouthetenthtimeyoumeether？Doyouthinkpresscuttingswillalwaysconsistofwonderingadmirationofyourgenius，ofparagraphsaboutyourcharmingpersonalappearanceundertheheading，’OurCelebrities’？
HaveyouthoughtoftheUncomplimentarycriticisms，ofthespitefulparagraphs，oftheeverlastingfearofslippingafewinchesdownthegreasypolecalled’populartaste，’towhichyouarecondemnedtoclingforlife，assomelessercriminaltohiswearytread-mill，strugglingwithnohopebutnottofall！Makeahome，lad，forthewomanwholovesyou；gatheroneortwofriendsaboutyou；work，think，andplay，thatwillbringyouhappiness。Shunthisroaringgingerbreadfairthatcallsitself，forsooth，the’Worldofartandletters。’Letitsclownsanditscontortionistsfightamongthemselvesfortheplauditsandthehalfpenceofthemob。Letitbewithitsshoutinganditssurging，itsblareanditscheapflare。
Comeaway，thesummer’snightisjusttheothersideofthehedge，withitssilenceanditsstars。\"
YouandI，Cinderella，areexperiencedpeople，andcanthereforeoffergoodadvice，butdoyouthinkweshouldbelistenedto？
\"Ah，no，myPrinceisnotasyours。Minewilllovemealways，andI
ampeculiarlyfittedforthelifeofapalace。Ihavetheinstinctandtheabilityforit。IamsureIwasmadeforaprincess。Thankyou，Cinderella，foryourwell-meantcounsel，butthereismuchdifferencebetweenyouandme。\"
Thatistheansweryouwouldreceive，Cinderella；andmyyoungfriendwouldsaytome，\"Yes，IcanunderstandYOURfindingdisappointmentintheliterarycareer；butthen，yousee，ourcasesarenotquitesimilar。_I_amnotlikelytofindmuchtroubleinkeepingmyposition。_I_shallnotfearreadingwhatthecriticssayofME。Nodoubttherearedisadvantages，whenyouareamongtheruck，butthereisalwaysplentyofroomatthetop。Sothankyou，andgoodbye。\"
Besides，Cinderelladear，weshouldnotquitemeanit——thisexcellentadvice。Wehavegrownaccustomedtothesegew-gaws，andweshouldmisstheminspiteofourknowledgeoftheirtrashiness：
you，yourpalaceandyourlittlegoldcrown；I，mymountebank’scap，andtheansweringlaughthatgoesupfromthecrowdwhenIshakemybells。Wewanteverything。Allthehappinessthatearthandheavenarecapableofbestowing。Creaturecomforts，andheartandsoulcomfortsalso；and，proud-spiritedbeingsthatweare，wewillnotbeputoffwithapart。Giveusonlyeverything，andwewillbecontent。And，afterall，Cinderella，youhavehadyourday。Somelittledogsnevergettheirs。Youmustnotbegreedy。YouhaveKNOWNhappiness。ThepalacewasParadiseforthosefewmonths，andthePrince’sarmswereaboutyou，Cinderella，thePrince’skissesonyourlips；thegodsthemselvescannottakeTHATfromyou。
Thecakecannotlastforeverifwewilleatofitsogreedily。
Theremustcomethedaywhenwehavepickedhungrilythelastcrumb——
whenwesitstaringattheemptyboard，nothingleftofthefeast，Cinderella，butthepainthatcomesoffeasting。
Itisanaiveconfession，poorHumanNaturehasmadetoitself，inchoosing，asithas，thisstoryofCinderellaforitsleadingmoral：——Begood，littlegirl。Bemeekunderyourmanytrials。Begentleandkind，inspiteofyourhardlot，andoneday——youshallmarryaprinceandrideinyourowncarriage。Bebraveandtrue，littleboy。Workhardandwaitwithpatience，andintheend，withGod’sblessing，youshallearnrichesenoughtocomebacktoLondontownandmarryyourmaster’sdaughter。
YouandI，gentleReader，couldteachtheseyoungfolksatruerlesson，anwewould。Weknow，alas！thattheroadofallthevirtuesdoesnotleadtowealth，ratherthecontrary；elsehowexplainourlimitedincomes？Butwoulditbewell，thinkyou，totellthembluntlythetruth——thathonestyisthemostexpensiveluxuryamancanindulgein；thatvirtue，ifpersistedin，leads，generallyspeaking，toasix-roomedhouseinanoutlyingsuburb？
Maybetheworldiswise：thefictionhasitsuses。
Iamacquaintedwithafairlyintelligentyounglady。Shecanreadandwrite，knowshertablesuptosixtimes，andcanargue。I
regardherasrepresentativeofaverageHumanityinitsattitudetowardsFate；andthisisadialogueIlatelyoverheardbetweenherandanolderladywhoisgoodenoughtooccasionallyimparttoherthewisdomoftheworld——
\"I’vebeengoodthismorning，haven’tI？\"
\"Yes——ohyes，fairlygood，foryou。\"
\"YouthinkPapaWILLtakemetothecircusto-night？\"
\"Yes，ifyoukeepgood。Ifyoudon’tgetnaughtythisafternoon。\"
Apause。
\"IwasgoodonMonday，youmayremember，nurse。\"
\"Tolerablygood。\"
\"VERYgood，yousaid，nurse。\"
\"Well，yes，youweren’tbad。\"
\"AndIwastohavegonetothepantomime，andIdidn’t。\"
\"Well，thatwasbecauseyourauntcameupsuddenly，andyourPapacouldn’tgetanotherseat。Poorauntiewouldn’thavegoneatallifshehadn’tgonethen。\"
\"Oh，wouldn’tshe？\"
\"No。\"
Anotherpause。
\"Doyouthinkshe’llcomeupsuddenlyto-day？\"
\"Ohno，Idon’tthinkso。\"
\"No，Ihopeshedoesn’t。Iwanttogotothecircusto-night。
Because，yousee，nurse，ifIdon’titwilldiscourageme。\"
So，perhapstheworldiswiseinpromisingusthecircus。Webelieveheratfirst。Butafterawhile，Ifear，wegrowdiscouraged。
ONTHEEXCEPTIONALMERITATTACHINGTOTHETHINGSWEMEANTTODO
Icanremember——butthenIcanrememberalongtimeago。You，gentleReader，justenteringupontheprimeoflife，thatagebythoughtlessyouthcalledmiddle，Icannot，ofcourse，expecttofollowme——whentherewasingreatdemandacertainperiodicalyclepedTheAmateur。Itsaimwasnoble。Itsoughttoteachthebeautifullessonofindependence，toinculcatethefinedoctrineofself-help。Onechapterexplainedtoamanhowhemightmakeflower-potsoutofAustralianmeatcans；anotherhowhemightturnbutter-tubsintomusic-stools；athirdhowhemightutilizeoldbonnetboxesforVenetianblinds：thatwastheprincipleofthewholescheme，youmadeeverythingfromsomethingnotintendedforit，andasill-suitedtothepurposeaspossible。
Twopages，Idistinctlyrecollect，weredevotedtotheencouragementofthemanufactureofumbrellastandsoutofoldgaspiping。
Anythinglessadaptedtothereceiptofhatsandumbrellasthangas-pipingIcannotmyselfconceive：hadtherebeen，Ifeelsuretheauthorwouldhavethoughtofit，andwouldhaverecommendedit。
Picture-framesyoufashionedoutofgingerbeercorks。Yousavedyourginger-beercorks，youfoundapicture——andthethingwascomplete。Howmuchginger-beeritwouldbenecessarytodrink，preparatorytothemakingofeachframe；andtheeffectofitupontheframe-maker’sphysical，mentalandmoralwell-being，didnotconcernTheAmateur。Icalculatethatforafair-sizedpicturesixteendozenbottlesmightsuffice。Whether，aftersixteendozenofginger-beer，amanwouldtakeanyinterestinframingapicture——
whetherhewouldretainanyprideinthepictureitself，isdoubtful。Butthis，ofcourse，wasnotthepoint。
Oneyounggentlemanofmyacquaintance——thesonofthegardenerofmysister，asfriendOllendorffwouldhavedescribedhim——didsucceedingettingthroughsufficientginger-beertoframehisgrandfather，buttheresultwasnotencouraging。Indeed，thegardener’swifeherselfwasbutillsatisfied。
\"What’sallthemcorksroundfather？\"washerfirstquestion。
\"Can’tyousee，\"wasthesomewhatindignantreply，\"that’stheframe。\"
\"Oh！butwhycorks？\"
\"Well，thebooksaidcorks。\"
Stilltheoldladyremainedunimpressed。
\"Somehowitdon’tlooklikefathernow，\"shesighed。
Hereldestborngrewirritable：noneofusappreciatecriticism！
\"Whatdoesitlooklike，then？\"hegrowled。
\"Well，Idunno。Seemstometolooklikenothingbutcorks。\"
Theoldlady’sviewwascorrect。Certainschoolsofartpossiblylendthemselvestothismethodofframing。Imyselfhaveseenafuneralcardimprovedbyit；but，generallyspeaking，theconsequencewasapredominanceofframeattheexpenseofthethingframed。Themorehonestandtastefuloftheframemakerswouldadmitasmuchthemselves。
\"Yes，itisuglywhenyoulookatit，\"saidonetome，aswestoodsurveyingitfromthecentreoftheroom。\"Butwhatonefeelsaboutitisthatonehasdoneitoneself。\"
Whichreflection，Ihavenoticed，reconcilesustomanyotherthingsbesidecorkframes。
Anotheryounggentlemanfriendofmine——forIamboundtoadmititwasyouththatprofitedmostbytheadviceandcounselofTheAmateur：Isupposeasonegrowsolderonegrowslessdaring，lessindustrious——madearocking-chair，accordingtotheinstructionsofthisbook，outofacoupleofbeerbarrels。Fromeverypracticalpointofviewitwasabadrocking-chair。Itrockedtoomuch，anditrockedintoomanydirectionsatoneandthesametime。Itakeit，amansittingonarocking-chairdoesnotwanttobecontinuallyrocking。Therecomesatimewhenhesaystohimself——\"NowIhaverockedsufficientlyforthepresent；nowIwillsitstillforawhile，lestaworsethingbefallme。\"Butthiswasoneofthoseheadstrongrocking-chairsthatareadangertohumanity，andanuisancetothemselves。Itsnotionwasthatitwasmadetorock，andthatwhenitwasnotrocking，itwaswastingitstime。Oncestartednothingcouldstopit——nothingeverdidstopit，untilitfounditselftopsyturvyonitsownoccupant。Thatwastheonlythingthateversoberedit。
Ihadcalled，andhadbeenshownintotheemptydrawing-room。Therocking-chairnoddedinvitinglyatme。Ineverguesseditwasanamateurrocking-chair。Iwasyounginthosedays，withfaithinhumannature，andIimaginedthat，whateverelseamanmightattemptwithoutknowledgeorexperience，noonewouldbefoolenoughtoexperimentuponarocking-chair。
Ithrewmyselfintoitlightlyandcarelessly。Iimmediatelynoticedtheceiling。Imadeaninstinctivemovementforward。Thewindowandamomentaryglimpseofthewoodedhillsbeyondshotupwardsanddisappeared。Thecarpetflashedacrossmyeyes，andI
caughtsightofmyownbootsvanishingbeneathmeattherateofabouttwohundredmilesanhour。Imadeaconvulsiveefforttorecoverthem。IsupposeIover-didit。Isawthewholeoftheroomatonce，thefourwalls，theceiling，andtheflooratthesamemoment。Itwasasortofvision。Isawthecottagepianoupsidedown，andIagainsawmyownbootsflashpastme，thistimeovermyhead，solesuppermost。NeverbeforehadIbeeninapositionwheremyownbootshadseemedsoall-pervading。ThenextmomentIlostmyboots，andstoppedthecarpetwithmyheadjustasitwasrushingpastme。Atthesameinstantsomethinghitmeviolentlyinthesmalloftheback。Reason，whenrecovered，suggestedthatmyassailantmustbetherocking-chair。
Investigationprovedthesurmisecorrect。FortunatelyIwasstillalone，andinconsequencewasable，afewminuteslater，tomeetmyhostesswithcalmanddignity。Isaidnothingabouttherocking-chair。Asamatteroffact，Iwashopingtohavethepleasure，beforeIwent，ofseeingsomeotherguestarriveandsampleit：Ihadpurposelyreplaceditinthemostprominentandconvenientposition。ButthoughIfeltcapableofschoolingmyselftosilence，Ifoundmyselfunabletoagreewithmyhostesswhenshecalledformyadmirationofthething。Myrecentexperienceshadtoodeeplyembitteredme。
\"Williemadeithimself，\"explainedthefondmother。\"Don’tyouthinkitwasverycleverofhim？\"
\"Ohyes，itwasclever，\"Ireplied，\"Iamwillingtoadmitthat。\"
\"Hemadeitoutofsomeoldbeerbarrels，\"shecontinued；sheseemedproudofit。
Myresentment，thoughItriedtokeepitundercontrol，wasmountinghigher。
\"Oh！didhe？\"Isaid；\"Ishouldhavethoughthemighthavefoundsomethingbettertodowiththem。\"
\"What？\"sheasked。
\"Oh！well，manythings，\"Iretorted。\"Hemighthavefilledthemagainwithbeer。\"
Myhostesslookedatmeastonished。Ifeltsomereasonformytonewasexpected。
\"Yousee，\"Iexplained，\"itisnotawell-madechair。Theserockersaretooshort，andtheyaretoocurved，andoneofthem，ifyounotice，ishigherthantheotherandofasmallerradius；thebackisattooobtuseanangle。Whenitisoccupiedthecentreofgravitybecomes——\"
Myhostessinterruptedme。
\"Youhavebeensittingonit，\"shesaid。
\"Notforlong，\"Iassuredher。
Hertonechanged。Shebecameapologetic。
\"Iamsosorry，\"shesaid。\"Itlooksallright。\"
\"Itdoes，\"Iagreed；\"thatiswherethedearlad’sclevernessdisplaysitself。Itsappearancedisarmssuspicion。Withjudgmentthatchairmightbemadetoserveareallyusefulpurpose。Therearemutualacquaintancesofours——Imentionnonames，youwillknowthem——pompous，self-satisfied，superiorpersonswhowouldbeimprovedbythatchair。IfIwereWillieIshoulddisguisethemechanismwithsomeartisticdrapery，baitthethingwithacoupleofexceptionallyinvitingcushions，andemployittoinculcatemodestyanddiffidence。Idefyanyhumanbeingtogetoutofthatchair，feelingasimportantaswhenhegotintoit。Whatthedearboyhasdonehasbeentoconstructanautomaticexponentofthetransitorynatureofhumangreatness。Asamoralagencythatchairshouldproveablessingindisguise。\"
Myhostesssmiledfeebly；more，Ifear，frompolitenessthangenuineenjoyment。
\"Ithinkyouaretoosevere，\"shesaid。\"Whenyourememberthattheboyhasnevertriedhishandatanythingofthekindbefore，thathehasnoknowledgeandnoexperience，itreallyisnotsobad。\"
ConsideringthematterfromthatpointofviewIwasboundtoconcur。IdidnotliketosuggesttoherthatbeforeenteringuponadifficulttaskitwouldbebetterforyoungmentoACQUIRE
knowledgeandexperience：thatissounpopularatheory。
ButthethingthatTheAmateurputinthefrontandforemostofitspropagandawasthemanufactureofhouseholdfurnitureoutofegg-boxes。Whyegg-boxesIhaveneverbeenabletounderstand，butegg-boxes，accordingtotheprescriptionofTheAmateur，formedthefoundationofhouseholdexistence。Withasufficientsupplyofegg-boxes，andwhatTheAmateurtermeda\"naturaldeftness，\"noyoungcoupleneedhesitatetofacethefurnishingproblem。Threeegg-boxesmadeawriting-table；onanotheregg-boxyousattowrite；
yourbookswererangedinegg-boxesaroundyou——andtherewasyourstudy，complete。
Forthedining-roomtwoegg-boxesmadeanovermantel；fouregg-boxesandapieceoflooking-glassasideboard；whilesixegg-boxes，withsomewaddingandayardorsoofcretonne，constitutedaso-called\"cosycorner。\"Aboutthe\"corner\"therecouldbenopossibledoubt。
Yousatonacorner，youleantagainstacorner；whicheverwayyoumovedyoustruckafreshcorner。The\"cosiness，\"however，Ideny。
Egg-boxesIadmitcanbemadeuseful；Iamevenpreparedtoimaginethemornamental；but\"cosy，\"no。Ihavesampledegg-boxesinmanyshapes。Ispeakofyearsago，whentheworldandwewereyounger，whenourfortunewastheFuture；secureinwhich，wehesitatednottosetuphouseuponincomesfolkswithlesserexpectationsmighthavedeemedinsufficient。Undersuchcircumstances，thesolealternativetotheegg-box，orsimilarschooloffurniture，wouldhavebeenthestrictlyclassical，consistingofadoorwayjoinedtoarchitecturalproportions。
IhavefromSaturdaytoMonday，ashonouredguest，hungmyclothesinegg-boxes。
Ihavesatonanegg-boxatanegg-boxtotakemydishoftea。I
havemadeloveonegg-boxes。——Aye，andtofeelagainthebloodrunningthroughmyveinsasthenitran，Iwouldbecontenttositonlyonegg-boxestillthetimeshouldcomewhenIcouldbeburiedinanegg-box，withanegg-boxrearedabovemeastombstone。——Ihavespentmanyaneveningonanegg-box；Ihavegonetobedinegg-boxes。Theyhavetheirpoints——Iamintendingnopun——buttoclaimforthemcosinesswouldbebuttodeceive。
Howquainttheywere，thosehome-maderooms！Theyriseoutoftheshadowsandshapethemselvesagainbeforemyeyes。Iseetheknobblysofa；theeasy-chairsthatmighthavebeendesignedbytheGrandInquisitorhimself；thedentedsettlethatwasabedbynight；
thefewblueplates，purchasedintheslumsoffWardourStreet；theenamelledstooltowhichonealwaysstuck；themirrorframedinsilk；thetwoJapanesefanscrossedbeneatheachcheapengraving；
thepianoclothembroideredinpeacock’sfeathersbyAnnie’ssister；
thetea-clothworkedbyCousinJenny。Wedreamt，sittingonthoseegg-boxes——forwewereyoungladiesandgentlemenwithartistictaste——ofthedayswhenwewouldeatinChippendaledining-rooms；
sipourcoffeeinLouisQuatorzedrawing-rooms；andbehappy。Well，wehavegoton，someofus，sincethen，asMr。Bumpususedtosay；
andInotice，whenonvisits，thatsomeofushavecontrivedsothatwedositonChippendalechairs，atSheratondining-tables，andarewarmedfromAdam’sfireplaces；but，ahme，wherearethedreams，thehopes，theenthusiasmsthatclunglikethescentofaMarchmorningaboutthosegim-cracksecondfloors？Inthedustbin，Ifear，withthecretonne-coveredegg-boxesandthepennyfans。Fateissoterriblyeven-handed。Asshegivessheevertakesaway。Sheflungusafewshillingsandhope，wherenowshedolesusoutpoundsandfears。Whydidnotweknowhowhappywewere，sittingcrownedwithsweetconceituponouregg-boxthrones？
Yes，Dick，youhaveclimbedwell。Youeditagreatnewspaper。Youspreadabroadthemessage——well，themessagethatSirJosephGoldbug，yourproprietor，instructsyoutospreadabroad。YouteachmankindthelessonsthatSirJosephGoldbugwishesthemtolearn。
Theysayheistohaveapeeragenextyear。Iamsurehehasearnedit；andperhapstheremaybeaknighthoodforyou，Dick。
Tom，youaregettingonnow。Youhaveabandonedthoseunsaleableallegories。WhatrichartpatroncarestobetoldcontinuallybyhisownwallsthatMidashadass’sears；thatLazarussitseveratthegate？Youpaintportraitsnow，andeverybodytellsmeyouarethecomingman。That\"Impression\"ofoldLadyJezebelwasreallywonderful。Thewomanlooksquitehandsome，andyetitisherladyship。Yourtouchistrulymarvellous。
Butintoyoursuccess，Tom——Dick，oldfriend，donottherecreepmomentswhenyouwouldthatwecouldfishupthoseoldegg-boxesfromthepast，refurnishwiththemthedingyroomsinCamdenTown，andfindthereouryouth，ourloves，andourbeliefs？
Anincidentbroughtbacktomymind，theotherday，thethoughtofallthesethings。Icalledforthefirsttimeuponaman，anactor，whohadaskedmetocomeandseehiminthelittlehomewhereheliveswithhisoldfather。Tomyastonishment——forthecraze，I
believe，haslongsincediedout——Ifoundthehousehalffurnishedoutofpackingcases，buttertubs，andegg-boxes。Myfriendearnshistwentypoundsaweek，butitwastheoldfather’shobby，soheexplainedtome，themakingofthesemonstrosities；andofthemhewasasproudasthoughtheywerespecimenfurnitureoutoftheSouthKensingtonMuseum。
Hetookmeintothedining-roomtoshowmethelatestoutrage——anewbook-case。Agreaterdisfigurementtotheroom，whichwasotherwiseprettilyfurnished，couldhardlybeimagined。Therewasnoneedforhimtoassureme，ashedid，thatithadbeenmadeoutofnothingbutegg-boxes。Onecouldseeataglancethatitwasmadeoutofegg-boxes，andbadlyconstructedegg-boxesatthat——egg-boxesthatwereadisgracetothefirmthathadturnedthemout；egg-boxesnotworthythestorageof\"shop’uns\"ateighteentheshilling。
Wewentupstairstomyfriend’sbedroom。Heopenedthedoorasamanmightopenthedoorofamuseumofgems。
\"Theoldboy，\"hesaid，ashestoodwithhishanduponthedoor-knob，\"madeeverythingyouseehere，everything，\"andweentered。Hedrewmyattentiontothewardrobe。\"NowIwillholditup，\"hesaid，\"whileyoupullthedooropen；Ithinkthefloormustbeabituneven，itwobblesifyouarenotcareful。\"Itwobblednotwithstanding，butbycoaxingandhumouringwesucceededwithoutmishap。Iwassurprisedtonoticeaverysmallsupplyofclotheswithin，althoughmyfriendisadressyman。
\"Yousee，\"heexplained，\"IdarenotuseitmorethanIcanhelp。I
amaclumsychap，andaslikelyasnot，ifIhappenedtobeinahurry，I’dhavethewholethingover：\"whichseemedprobable。
Iaskedhimhowhecontrived。\"Idressinthebath-roomasarule，\"
hereplied；\"Ikeepmostofmythingsthere。Ofcoursetheoldboydoesn’tknow。\"
Heshowedmeachestofdrawers。Onedrawerstoodhalfopen。
\"I’mboundtoleavethatdraweropen，\"hesaid；\"IkeepthethingsI
useinthat。Theydon’tshutquiteeasily，thesedrawers；orrather，theyshutallright，butthentheywon’topen。Itistheweather，Ithink。Theywillopenandshutallrightinthesummer，Idaresay。\"Heisofahopefuldisposition。
Buttheprideoftheroomwasthewashstand。
\"Whatdoyouthinkofthis？\"criedheenthusiastically，\"realmarbletop——\"
Hedidnotexpatiatefurther。Inhisexcitementhehadlaidhishanduponthething，withthenaturalresultthatitcollapsed。
MorebyaccidentthandesignIcaughtthejuginmyarms。Ialsocaughtthewateritcontained。Thebasinrolledonitsedgeandlittledamagewasdone，excepttomeandthesoap-box。
Icouldnotpumpupmuchadmirationforthiswashstand；Iwasfeelingtoowet。
\"Whatdoyoudowhenyouwanttowash？\"Iasked，astogetherweresetthetrap。
Therefelluponhimthemannerofaconspiratorrevealingsecrets。
Heglancedguiltilyroundtheroom；then，creepingontip-toe，heopenedacupboardbehindthebed。Withinwasatinbasinandasmallcan。
\"Don’ttelltheoldboy，\"hesaid。\"Ikeepthesethingshere，andwashonthefloor。\"
ThatwasthebestthingImyselfevergotoutofegg-boxes——thatpictureofadeceitfulsonstealthilywashinghimselfuponthefloorbehindthebed，tremblingateveryfootsteplestitmightbethe\"oldboy\"comingtothedoor。
OnewonderswhethertheTenCommandmentsaresoall-sufficientaswegoodfolkdeemthem——whethertheeleventhisnotworththewholepackofthem：\"thatyeloveoneanother\"withjustacommon-place，human，practicallove。Couldnottheothertenbecomfortablystowedawayintoacornerofthat！Oneisinclined，inone’sanarchicmoments，toagreewithLouisStevenson，thattobeamiableandcheerfulisagoodreligionforawork-a-dayworld。WearesobusyNOTkilling，NOTstealing，NOTcovetingourneighbour’swife，wehavenottimetobeevenjusttooneanotherforthelittlewhilewearetogetherhere。Needwebesococksurethatourpresentlistofvirtuesandvicesistheonlypossiblycorrectandcompleteone？
Isthekind，unselfishmannecessarilyavillainbecausehedoesnotalwayssucceedinsuppressinghisnaturalinstincts？Isthenarrow-hearted，sour-souledman，incapableofagenerousthoughtoract，necessarilyasaintbecausehehasnone？Havewenot——weuncoguid——arrivedatawrongmethodofestimatingourfrailerbrothersandsisters？Wejudgethem，ascriticsjudgebooks，notbythegoodthatisinthem，butbytheirfaults。PoorKingDavid！WhatwouldthelocalVigilanceSocietyhavehadtosaytohim？
Noah，accordingtoourplan，wouldbedenouncedfromeveryteetotalplatforminthecountry，andHamwouldheadtheLocalVestrypollasarewardforhavingexposedhim。AndSt。Peter！weak，frailSt。
Peter，howluckyforhimthathisfellow-disciplesandtheirMasterwerenotasstrictintheirnotionsofvirtueasareweto-day。
Havewenotforgottenthemeaningoftheword\"virtue\"？Onceitstoodforthegoodthatwasinaman，irrespectiveoftheevilthatmightlietherealso，astaresamongthewheat。Wehaveabolishedvirtue，andforitsubstitutedvirtues。Notthehero——hewastoofulloffaults——buttheblamelessvalet；notthemanwhodoesanygood，butthemanwhohasnotbeenfoundoutinanyevil，isourmodernideal。Themostvirtuousthinginnature，accordingtothisnewtheory，shouldbetheoyster。Heisalwaysathome，andalwayssober。Heisnotnoisy。Hegivesnotroubletothepolice。I
cannotthinkofasingleoneoftheTenCommandmentsthatheeverbreaks。Heneverenjoyshimself，andhenever，solongashelives，givesamoment’spleasuretoanyotherlivingthing。
Icanimaginetheoysterlecturingaliononthesubjectofmorality。
\"Youneverhearme，\"theoystermightsay，\"howlingroundcampsandvillages，makingnighthideous，frighteningquietfolkoutoftheirlives。Whydon’tyougotobedearly，asIdo？Ineverprowlroundtheoyster-bed，fightingothergentlemenoysters，makinglovetoladyoystersalreadymarried。Ineverkillantelopesormissionaries。Whycan’tyouliveasIdoonsaltwaterandgerms，orwhateveritisthatIdoliveon？Whydon’tyoutrytobemorelikeme？\"
Anoysterhasnoevilpassions，thereforewesayheisavirtuousfish。Weneveraskourselves——\"Hasheanygoodpassions？\"Alion’sbehaviourisoftensuchasnojustmancouldcondone。Hashenothisgoodpointsalso？
Willthefat，sleek，\"virtuous\"manbeasWelcomeatthegateofheavenashesupposes？
\"Well，\"St。Petermaysaytohim，openingthedooralittlewayandlookinghimupanddown，\"whatisitnow？\"
\"It’sme，\"thevirtuousmanwillreply，withanoily，self-satisfiedsmile；\"Ishouldsay，I——I’vecome。\"
\"Yes，Iseeyouhavecome；butwhatisyourclaimtoadmittance？
Whathaveyoudonewithyourthreescoreyearsandten？\"
\"Done！\"thevirtuousmanwillanswer，\"Ihavedonenothing，Iassureyou。\"
\"Nothing！\"
\"Nothing；thatismystrongpoint；thatiswhyIamhere。Ihaveneverdoneanywrong。\"
\"Andwhatgoodhaveyoudone？\"
\"Whatgood！\"
\"Aye，whatgood？Donotyouevenknowthemeaningoftheword？
Whathumancreatureisthebetterforyourhavingeatenanddrunkandslepttheseyears？Youhavedonenoharm——noharmtoyourself。
Perhaps，ifyouhadyoumighthavedonesomegoodwithit；thetwoaregenerallytobefoundtogetherdownbelow，Iremember。Whatgoodhaveyoudonethatyoushouldenterhere？Thisisnomummychamber；thisistheplaceofmenandwomenwhohavelived，whohavewroughtgood——andevilalso，alas！——forthesinnerswhofightfortheright，nottherighteouswhorunwiththeirsoulsfromthefight。\"
Itwasnot，however，tospeakofthesethingsthatIrememberedTheAmateuranditslessons。Myintentionwasbuttoleaduptothestoryofacertainsmallboy，whointhedoingoftasksnotrequiredofhimwasexceedinglyclever。Iwishtotellyouhisstory，because，asdomosttruetales，itpossessesamoral，andstorieswithoutamoralIdeemtobebutfoolishliterature，resemblingroadsthatleadtonowhere，suchassickfolktrampforexercise。
Ihaveknownthislittleboytotakeanexpensiveeight-dayclocktopieces，andmakeofitatoysteamboat。True，itwasnot，whenmade，verymuchofasteamboat；buttakingintoconsiderationallthedifficulties——theinadaptabilityofeight-dayclockmachinerytosteamboatrequirements，thenecessityofgettingtheworkaccomplishedquickly，beforeconservatively-mindedpeoplewithnoenthusiasmforsciencecouldinterfere——agoodenoughsteamboat。
Withmerelyanironing-boardandafewdozenmeat-skewers，hewould——providedtheironing-boardwasnotmissedintime——turnoutquiteapracticablerabbit-hutch。Hecouldmakeagunoutofanumbrellaandagas-bracket，which，ifnotsoaccurateasaMartini-Henry，was，atallevents，moredeadly。Withhalfthegarden-hose，acopperscalding-panoutofthedairy，andafewDresdenchinaornamentsoffthedrawing-roommantelpiece，hewouldbuildafountainforthegarden。Hecouldmakebookshelvesoutofkitchentables，andcrossbowsoutofcrinolines。Hecoulddamyouastreamsothatallthewaterwouldflowoverthecroquetlawn。Heknewhowtomakeredpaintandoxygengas，togetherwithmanyothersuchlikecommoditieshandytohaveaboutahouse。Amongotherthingshelearnedhowtomakefireworks，andafterafewexplosionsofanunimportantcharacter，cametomakethemverywellindeed。
Theboywhocanplayagoodgameofcricketisliked。Theboywhocanfightwellisrespected。Theboywhocancheekamasterisloved。Buttheboywhocanmakefireworksisreveredaboveallothersasaboybelongingtoasuperiororderofbeings。ThefifthofNovemberwasathand，andwiththeconsentofanindulgentmother，hedeterminedtogivetotheworldaproofofhispowers。A
largepartyoffriends，relatives，andschool-mateswasinvited，andforafortnightbeforehandthescullerywasconvertedintoamanufactoryforfireworks。Thefemaleservantswentaboutinhourlyterroroftheirlives，andthevilla，didwejudgeexclusivelybysmell，onemighthaveimaginedhadbeentakenoverbySatan，hismainpremisesbeinginconvenientlycrowded，asanannex。Bytheeveningofthefourthallwasinreadiness，andsamplesweretestedtomakesurethatnocontretempsshouldoccurthefollowingnight。
Allwasfoundtobeperfect。
Therocketsrushedheavenwardanddescendedinstars，theRomancandlestossedtheirfieryballsintothedarkness，theCatherinewheelssparkledandwhirled，thecrackerscracked，andthesquibsbanged。Thatnighthewenttobedaproudandhappyboy，anddreamedoffame。Hestoodsurroundedbyblazingfireworks，andthevastcrowdcheeredhim。Hisrelations，mostofwhom，heknew，regardedhimasthecomingidiotofthefamily，weretheretowitnesshistriumph；sotoowasDickeyBowles，wholaughedathimbecausehecouldnotthrowstraight。Thegirlatthebun-shop，shealsowasthere，andsawthathewasclever。
Thenightofthefestivalarrived，andwithittheguests。Theysat，wrappedupinshawlsandcloaks，outsidethehalldoor——uncles，cousins，aunts，littleboysandbigboys，littlegirlsandbiggirls，with，asthetheatreposterssay，villagersandretainers，somefortyoftheminall，andwaited。
Butthefireworksdidnotgooff。WhytheydidnotgooffIcannotexplain；nobodyeverCOULDexplain。Thelawsofnatureseemedtobesuspendedforthatnightonly。Therocketsfelldownanddiedwheretheystood。Nohumanagencyseemedabletoignitethesquibs。Thecrackersgaveonebangandcollapsed。TheRomancandlesmighthavebeenEnglishrushlights。TheCatherinewheelsbecamemererevolvingglow-worms。Thefieryserpentscouldnotcollectamongthemthespiritofatortoise。Thesetpiece，ashipatsea，showedonemastandthecaptain，andthenwentout。Oneortwoitemsdidtheirduty，butthisonlyservedtorenderthefoolishnessofthewholemorestriking。Thelittlegirlsgiggled，thelittleboyschaffed，theauntsandcousinssaiditwasbeautiful，theunclesinquiredifitwasallover，andtalkedaboutsupperandtrains，the\"villagersandretainers\"dispersedlaughing，theindulgentmothersaid\"nevermind，\"andexplainedhowwelleverythinghadgoneoffyesterday；thecleverlittleboycreptupstairstohisroom，andblubberedhisheartoutinthedark。
Hourslater，whenthecrowdhadforgottenhim，hestoleoutagainintothegarden。Hesatdownamidtheruinsofhishope，andwonderedwhatcouldhavecausedthefiasco。Stillpuzzled，hedrewfromhispocketaboxofmatches，and，lightingone，heheldittothesearedendofarockethehadtriedinvaintolightfourhoursago。Itsmoulderedforaninstant，thenshotwithaswishintotheairandbrokeintoahundredpointsoffire。Hetriedanotherandanotherwiththesameresult。Hemadeafreshattempttofirethesetpiece。Pointbypointthewholepicture——minusthecaptainandonemast——cameoutofthenight，andstoodrevealedinallthemajestyofflame。Itssparksfelluponthepiled-upheapofcandles，wheels，androcketsthatalittlewhilebeforehadobstinatelyrefusedtoburn，andthat，oneafteranother，hadbeenthrownasideasuseless。Nowwiththenightfrostuponthem，theyleapedtolightinonegrandvolcaniceruption。Andinfrontofthegorgeousspectaclehestoodwithonlyoneconsolation——hismother’shandinhis。
Thewholethingwasamysterytohimatthetime，but，ashelearnedtoknowlifebetter，hecametounderstandthatitwasonlyoneexampleofasolidbutinexplicablefact，rulingallhumanaffairs——YOURFIREWORKSWON’TGOOFFWHILETHECROWDISAROUND。
Ourbrilliantreparteesdonotoccurtoustillthedooriscloseduponusandwearealoneinthestreet，or，astheFrenchwouldsay，arecomingdownthestairs。Ourafter-dinneroratory，thatsoundedsotellingaswedelivereditbeforethelooking-glass，fallsstrangelyflatamidsttheclinkingoftheglasses。Thepassionatetorrentofwordswemeanttopourintoherearbecomesahaltingrigmarole，atwhich——smallblametoher——sheonlylaughs。
Iwould，gentleReader，youcouldhearthestoriesthatImeanttotellyou。Youjudgeme，ofcourse，bythestoriesofminethatyouhaveread——bythissortofthing，perhaps；butthatisnotjusttome。ThestoriesIhavenottoldyou，thatIamgoingtotellyouoneday，Iwouldthatyoujudgemebythose。
Theyaresobeautiful；youwillsayso；overthem，youwilllaughandcrywithme。
Theycomeintomybrainunbidden，theyclamourtobewritten，yetwhenItakemypeninhandtheyaregone。Itisasthoughtheywereshyofpublicity，asthoughtheywouldsaytome——\"Youalone，youshallreadus，butyoumustnotwriteus；wearetooreal，tootrue。
Wearelikethethoughtsyoucannotspeak。Perhapsalittlelater，whenyouknowmoreoflife，thenyoushalltellus。\"
NexttotheseinmeritIwouldplace，wereIwritingacriticalessayonmyself，thestoriesIhavebeguntowriteandthatremainunfinished，whyIcannotexplaintomyself。Theyaregoodstories，mostofthem；betterfarthanthestoriesIhaveaccomplished。
Anothertime，perhaps，ifyoucaretolisten，Iwilltellyouthebeginningofoneortwoandyoushalljudge。Strangelyenough，forIhavealwaysregardedmyselfasapractical，commonsensedman，somanyofthesestill-bornchildrenofmymindIfind，onlookingthroughthecupboardwheretheirthinbodieslie，areghoststories。
Isupposethehopeofghostsiswithusall。Theworldgrowssomewhatinterestingtousheirsofalltheages。Yearbyyear，Sciencewithbroomanddustertearsdownthemoth-worntapestry，forcesthedoorsofthelockedchambers，letslightintothesecretstairways，cleansoutthedungeons，exploresthehiddenpassages——
findingeverywhereonlydust。Thisechoingoldcastle，theworld，sofullofmysteryinthedayswhenwewerechildren，islosingsomewhatitscharmforusaswegrowolder。Thekingsleepsnolongerinthehollowofthehills。Wehavetunnelledthroughhismountainchamber。Wehaveshiveredhisbeardwithourpick。WehavedriventhegodsfromOlympus。Nowandererthroughthemoonlitgrovesnowfearsorhopesthesweet，death-givinggleamofAphrodite’sface。Thor’shammerechoesnotamongthepeaks——’tisbutthethunderoftheexcursiontrain。Wehavesweptthewoodsofthefairies。Wehavefilteredtheseaofitsnymphs。Eventheghostsareleavingus，chasedbythePsychicalResearchSociety。
Perhapsofall，theyaretheleast，however，toberegretted。Theyweredulloldfellows，clankingtheirrustychainsandgroaningandsighing。Letthemgo。
Andyethowinterestingtheymightbe，ifonlytheywould。Theoldgentlemaninthecoatofmail，wholivedinKingJohn’sreign，whowasmurdered，sotheysay，ontheoutskirtsoftheverywoodIcanseefrommywindowasIwrite——stabbedintheback，poorgentleman，ashewasridinghome，hisbodyflungintothemoatthattothisdayiscalledTor’stomb。Dryenoughitisnow，andtheprimrosesloveitssteepbanks；butagloomyenoughplaceinthosedays，nodoubt，withitstwentyfeetofstagnantwater。Whydoeshehaunttheforestpathsatnight，astheytellmehedoes，frighteningthechildrenoutoftheirwits，blanchingthefacesandstillingthelaughterofthepeasantladsandlasses，slouchinghomefromthevillagedance？Instead，whydoeshenotcomeuphereandtalktome？Heshouldhavemyeasy-chairandwelcome，wouldheonlybecheerfulandcompanionable。
Whatbravetalescouldhenottellme。HefoughtinthefirstCrusade，heardtheclarionvoiceofPeter，metthegreatGodfreyfacetoface，stood，handonsword-hilt，atRunny-mede，perhaps。
Betterthanawholelibraryofhistoricalnovelswouldanevening’schatbewithsuchaghost。Whathashedonewithhiseighthundredyearsofdeath？wherehashebeen？whathasheseen？MaybehehasvisitedMars；hasspokentothestrangespiritswhocanliveintheliquidfiresofJupiter。Whathashelearnedofthegreatsecret？
Hashefoundthetruth？orishe，evenasI，awandererstillseekingtheunknown？
You，poor，pale，greynun——theytellmethatofmidnightsonemayseeyourwhitefacepeeringfromtheruinedbelfrywindow，heartheclashofswordandshieldamongthecedar-treesbeneath。
Itwasverysad，Iquiteunderstand，mydearlady。Yourloversbothwerekilled，andyouretiredtoaconvent。Believeme，Iamsincerelysorryforyou，butwhywasteeverynightrenewingthewholepainfulexperience？Woulditnotbebetterforgotten？GoodHeavens，madam，supposewelivingfolkweretospendourliveswailingandwringingourhandsbecauseofthewrongsdonetouswhenwewerechildren？Itisallovernow。Hadhelived，andhadyoumarriedhim，youmightnothavebeenhappy。Idonotwishtosayanythingunkind，butmarriagesfoundeduponthesincerestmutuallovehavesometimesturnedoutunfortunately，asyoumustsurelyknow。
Dotakemyadvice。Talkthematteroverwiththeyoungmenthemselves。Persuadethemtoshakehandsandbefriends。Comein，allofyou，outofthecold，andletushavesomereasonabletalk。
Whyseekyoutotroubleus，youpoorpaleghosts？Arewenotyourchildren？Beourwisefriends。Tellme，howlovedtheyoungmeninyouryoungdays？howansweredthemaidens？Hastheworldchangedmuch，doyouthink？Hadyounotnewwomeneventhen？girlswhohatedtheeverlastingtapestryframeandspinning-wheel？Yourfather’sservants，weretheysomuchworseoffthanthefreemenwholiveinourEast-endslumsandsewslippersforfourteenhoursadayatawageofnineshillingsaweek？DoyouthinkSocietymuchimprovedduringthelastthousandyears？Isitworse？isitbetter？
orisit，onthewhole，aboutthesame，savethatwecallthingsbyothernames？Tellme，whathaveYOUlearned？
Yetmightnotfamiliaritybreedcontempt，evenforghosts。
Onehashadatiringday’sshooting。Oneislookingforwardtoone’sbed。Asoneopensthedoor，however，aghostlylaughcomesfrombehindthebed-curtains，andonegroansinwardly，knowingwhatisinstoreforone：atwoorthreehours’talkwithrowdyoldSirLanval——heofthelance。Weknowallhistalesbyheart，andhewillshoutthem。Supposeouraunt，fromwhomwehaveexpectations，andwhosleepsinthenextroom，shouldwakeandoverhear！Theywerefitandproperenoughstories，nodoubt，fortheRoundTable，butwefeelsureourauntwouldnotappreciatethem：——thatstoryaboutSirAgravainandthecooper’swife！andhealwayswilltellthatstory。
Orimaginethemaidenteringafterdinnertosay——
\"Oh，ifyouplease，sir，hereistheveiledlady。\"
\"What，again！\"saysyourwife，lookingupfromherwork。
\"Yes，ma’am；shallIshowherupintothebedroom？\"
\"Youhadbetteraskyourmaster，\"isthereply。Thetoneissuggestiveofanunpleasantfiveminutessosoonasthegirlshallhavewithdrawn，butwhatareyoutodo？
\"Yes，yes，showherup，\"yousay，andthegirlgoesout，closingthedoor。
Yourwifegathersherworktogether，andrises。
\"Whereareyougoing？\"youask。
\"Tosleepwiththechildren，\"isthefrigidanswer。
\"Itwilllooksorude，\"youurge。\"Wemustbeciviltothepoorthing；andyouseeitreallyisherroom，asonemightsay。Shehasalwayshauntedit。\"
\"Itisverycurious，\"returnsthewifeofyourbosom，stillmoreicily，\"thatsheneverhauntsitexceptwhenyouaredownhere。
WhereshegoeswhenyouareintownI’msureIdon’tknow。\"
Thisisunjust。Youcannotrestrainyourindignation。
