\"Oh，I’vecometoseeMr。Williamson，\"yousay。
\"Verysorry，sir，\"isthepolitereply，\"buthe’sout。\"
\"Out？Why，youjustnowtoldmethroughthetelephonethathe’dbeinallthemorning。\"
\"No，Isaid，he’WON’Tbeinallthemorning。’\"
Yougobacktotheoffice，andsitdowninfrontofthattelephoneandlookatit。Thereithangs，calmandimperturbable。Wereitanordinaryinstrument，thatwouldbeitslasthour。Youwouldgostraightdown-stairs，getthecoal-hammerandthekitchen-poker，anddivideitintosufficientpiecestogiveabittoeverymaninLondon。Butyoufeelnervousoftheseelectricalaffairs，andthereisasomethingaboutthattelephone，withitsblackholeandcurlywires，thatcowsyou。Youhaveanotionthatifyoudon’thandleitproperlysomethingmaycomeandshockyou，andthentherewillbeaninquest，andbotherofthatsort，soyouonlycurseit。
Thatiswhathappenswhenyouwanttousethetelephonefromyourend。Butthatisnottheworstthatthetelephonecando。A
sensibleman，afteralittleexperience，canlearntoleavethethingalone。Yourworsttroublesarenotofyourownmaking。Youareworkingagainsttime；youhavegiveninstructionsnottobedisturbed。Perhapsitisafterlunch，andyouarethinkingwithyoureyesclosed，sothatyourthoughtsshallnotbedistractedbytheobjectsabouttheroom。Ineithercaseyouareanxiousnottoleaveyourchair，whenoffgoesthattelephonebellandyouspringfromyourchair，uncertain，forthemoment，whetheryouhavebeenshot，orblownupwithdynamite。Itoccurstoyouinyourweaknessthatifyoupersistintakingnonotice，theywillgettired，andleaveyoualone。Butthatisnottheirmethod。Thebellringsviolentlyatten-secondintervals。Youhavenothingtowrapyourheadupin。Youthinkitwillbebettertogetthisbusinessoveranddonewith。Yougotoyourfateandcallbacksavagely——
\"Whatisit？Whatdoyouwant？\"
Noanswer，onlyaconfusedmurmur，prominentoutofwhichcomethevoicesoftwomenswearingatoneanother。Thelanguagetheyaremakinguseofisdisgraceful。Thetelephoneseemspeculiarlyadaptedfortheconveyanceofblasphemy。Ordinarylanguagesoundsindistinctthroughit；buteverywordthosetwomenaresayingcanbeheardbyallthetelephonesubscribersinLondon。
Itisuselessattemptingtolistentilltheyhavedone。Whentheyareexhausted，youapplytothetubeagain。Noanswerisobtainable。Yougetmad，andbecomesarcastic；onlybeingsarcasticwhenyouarenotsurethatanybodyisattheotherendtohearyouisunsatisfying。
Atlast，afteraquarterofanhourorsoofsaying，\"Areyouthere？\"\"Yes，I’mhere，\"\"Well？\"theyoungladyattheExchangeaskswhatyouwant。
\"Idon’twantanything，\"youreply。
\"Thenwhydoyoukeeptalking？\"sheretorts；\"youmustn’tplaywiththething。\"
Thisrendersyouspeechlesswithindignationforawhile，uponrecoveringfromwhichyouexplainthatsomebodyrangyouup。
\"WHOrangyouup？\"sheasks。
\"Idon’tknow。\"
\"Iwishyoudid，\"sheobserves。
Generallydisgusted，youslamthetrumpetupandreturntoyourchair。Theinstantyouareseatedthebellclangsagain；andyouflyupanddemandtoknowwhatthethundertheywant，andwhothethundertheyare。
\"Don’tspeaksoloud，wecan’thearyou。Whatdoyouwant？\"istheanswer。
\"Idon’twantanything。Whatdoyouwant？Whydoyouringmeup，andthennotanswerme？Doleavemealone，ifyoucan！\"
\"Wecan’tgetHongKongsatseventy-four。\"
\"Well，Idon’tcareifyoucan’t。\"
\"WouldyoulikeZulus？\"
\"Whatareyoutalkingabout？\"youreply；\"Idon’tknowwhatyoumean。\"
\"WouldyoulikeZulus——Zulusatseventy-threeandahalf？\"
\"Iwouldn’thave’ematsixapenny。Whatareyoutalkingabout？\"
\"HongKongs——wecan’tgetthematseventy-four。Oh，half-a-minute\"
（thehalf-a-minutepasses）。\"Areyouthere？\"
\"Yes，butyouaretalkingtothewrongman。\"
\"WecangetyouHongKongsatseventy-fourandseven-eights。\"
\"BotherHongKongs，andyoutoo。Itellyou，youaretalkingtothewrongman。I’vetoldyouonce。\"
\"Oncewhat？\"
\"Why，thatIamthewrongman——Imeanthatyouaretalkingtothewrongman。\"
\"Whoareyou？\"
\"Eight-one-nine，Jones。\"
\"Oh，aren’tyouone-nine-eight？\"
\"No。\"
\"Oh，good-bye。\"
\"Good-bye。\"
HowcanamanafterthatsitdownandwritepleasantlyoftheEuropeancrisis？And，ifitwereneeded，hereinliesanotherindictmentagainstthetelephone。Iwasengagedinanargument，which，ifnotinitselfserious，wasatleastconcernedwithaseriousenoughsubject，theunsatisfactorynatureofhumanriches；
andfromthathighlymoraldiscussionhaveIbeenlured，bytheaccidentalsightoftheword\"telephone，\"intothewritingofmatterwhichcanhavetheeffectonlyofexcitingtofrenzyallcriticsoftheNewHumourintowhosehands，fortheirsins，thisbookmaycome。
Letmeforgetmytransgressionandreturntomysermon，orrathertothesermonofmymillionaireacquaintance。
Itwasonedayafterdinner，wesattogetherinhismagnificentlyfurnisheddining-room。Wehadlightedourcigarsatthesilverlamp。Thebutlerhadwithdrawn。
\"Thesecigarswearesmoking，\"myfriendsuddenlyremarked，aproposapparentlyofnothing，\"theycostmefiveshillingsapiece，takingthembythethousand。\"
\"Icanquitebelieveit，\"Ianswered；\"theyareworthit。\"
\"Yes，toyou，\"hereplied，almostsavagely。\"Whatdoyouusuallypayforyourcigars？\"
Wehadknowneachotheryearsago。WhenIfirstmethimhisofficesconsistedofabackroomupthreeflightsofstairsinadingyby-
streetofftheStrand，whichhassincedisappeared。Weoccasionallydinedtogether，inthosedays，atarestaurantinGreatPortlandStreet，foroneandnine。Ouracquaintanceshipwasofsufficientstandingtoallowofsuchaquestion。
\"Threepence，\"Ianswered。\"Theyworkoutatabouttwopencethree-farthingsbythebox。\"
\"Justso，\"hegrowled；\"andyourtwopenny-three-farthingweedgivesyoupreciselythesameamountofsatisfactionthatthisfiveshillingcigaraffordsme。ThatmeansfourandninepencefarthingwastedeverytimeIsmoke。Ipaymycooktwohundredayear。I
don’tenjoymydinnerasmuchaswhenitcostmefourshillings，includingaquarterflaskofChianti。Whatisthedifference，personally，tomewhetherIdrivetomyofficeinacarriageandpair，orinanomnibus？Ioftendorideinabus：itsavestrouble。Itisabsurdwastingtimelookingforone’scoachman，whentheconductorofanomnibusthatpassesone’sdoorishailingoneafewyardsoff。BeforeIcouldaffordevenbuses——whenIusedtowalkeverymorningtotheofficefromHammersmith——Iwashealthier。
ItirritatesmetothinkhowhardIworkfornoearthlybenefittomyself。MymoneypleasesalotofpeopleIdon’tcaretwostrawsabout，andwhoareonlymyfriendsinthehopeofmakingsomethingoutofme。IfIcouldeatahundred-guineadinnermyselfeverynight，andenjoyitfourhundredtimesasmuchasIusedtoenjoyafive-shillingdinner，therewouldbesomesenseinit。WhydoIdoit？\"
Ihadneverheardhimtalklikethisbefore。Inhisexcitementherosefromthetable，andcommencedpacingtheroom。
\"Whydon’tIinvestmymoneyinthetwoandahalfpercents？\"hecontinued。\"AttheveryworstIshouldbesafeforfivethousandayear。What，inthenameofcommonsense，doesamanwantwithmore？
Iamalwayssayingtomyself，I’lldoit；whydon’tI？
\"Well，whynot？\"Iechoed。
\"That’swhatIwantyoutotellme，\"hereturned。\"Yousetupforunderstandinghumannature，it’samysterytome。Inmyplace，youwoulddoasIdo；youknowthat。Ifsomebodyleftyouahundredthousandpoundsto-morrow，youwouldstartanewspaper，orbuildatheatre——somedamn-fooltrickforgettingridofthemoneyandgivingyourselfseventeenhours’anxietyaday；youknowyouwould。\"
Ihungmyheadinshame。Ifeltthejusticeoftheaccusation。Ithasalwaysbeenmydreamtorunanewspaperandownatheatre。
\"Ifweworkedonlyforwhatwecouldspend，\"hewenton，\"theCitymightputupitsshuttersto-morrowmorning。WhatIwanttogetatthebottomofisthisinstinctthatdrivesustoworkapparentlyforwork’sownsake。Whatisthisstrangethingthatgetsuponourbackandspursus？\"
AservantenteredatthatmomentwithacablegramfromthemanagerofoneofhisAustrianmines，andhehadtoleavemeforhisstudy。
But，walkinghome，Ifelltoponderingonhiswords。WHYthisendlesswork？Whyeachmorningdowegetupandwashanddressourselves，toundressourselvesatnightandgotobedagain？Whydoweworkmerelytoearnmoneytobuyfood；andeatfoodsoastogainstrengththatwemaywork？Whydowelive，merelyintheendtosaygood-byetooneanother？Whydowelabourtobringchildrenintotheworldthattheymaydieandbeburied？
Ofwhatuseourmadstriving，ourpassionatedesire？Willitmattertotheageswhether，onceuponatime，theUnionJackortheTricolourfloatedoverthebattlementsofBadajoz？Yetwepouredourbloodintoitsditchestodecidethequestion。Willitmatter，inthedayswhentheglacialperiodshallhavecomeagain，toclothetheearthwithsilence，whosefootfirsttrodthePole？Yet，generationaftergeneration，wemileitsroadwaywithourwhiteningbones。Soverysoonthewormscometous；doesitmatterwhetherwelove，orhate？Yetthehotbloodrushesthroughourveins，wewearoutheartandbrainforshadowyhopesthateverfadeaswepressforward。
Theflowerstrugglesupfromseed-pod，drawsthesweetsapfromtheground，foldsitspetalseachnight，andsleeps。Thenlovecomestoitinastrangeform，anditlongstomingleitspollenwiththepollenofsomeotherflower。Soitputsforthitsgayblossoms，andthewanderinginsectbearsthemessagefromseed-podtoseed-pod。
Andtheseasonspass，bringingwiththemthesunshineandtherain，tilltheflowerwithers，neverhavingknowntherealpurposeforwhichitlived，thinkingthegardenwasmadeforit，notitforthegarden。Thecoralinsectdreamsinitssmallsoul，whichispossiblyitssmallstomach，ofhomeandfood。Soitworksandstrivesdeepdowninthedarkwaters，neverknowingofthecontinentsitisfashioning。
Butthequestionstillremains：forwhatpurposeisitall？
Scienceexplainsittous。Byagesofstrifeandeffortweimprovetherace；fromether，throughthemonkey，manisborn。So，throughthelabourofthecomingages，hewillfreehimselfstillfurtherfromthebrute。Throughsorrowandthroughstruggle，bythesweatofbrainandbrow，hewilllifthimselftowardstheangels。Hewillcomeintohiskingdom。
Butwhythebuilding？Whythepassingofthecountlessages？Whyshouldhenothavebeenbornthegodheistobe，imbuedatbirthwithallthecapabilitieshisancestorshavediedacquiring？WhythePictandHunthat_I_maybe？Why_I_，thatadescendantofmyown，towhomIshallseemasavage，shallcomeafterme？Why，iftheuniversebeorderedbyaCreatortowhomallthingsarepossible，theprotoplasmiccell？Whynotthemanthatistobe？
Shallallthegenerationsbesomuchhumanwastethathemaylive？
AmIbutanotherlayerofthesoilpreparingforhim？
Or，ifourfuturebeinotherspheres，thenwhytheneedofthisplanet？ArewelabouringatsomeWorktoovastforustoperceive？
Areourpassionsanddesiresmerewhipsandtracesbythehelpofwhichwearedriven？Anytheoryseemsmorehopefulthanthethoughtthatalloureager，fretfullivesarebuttheturningofauselessprisoncrank。Lookingbackthelittledistancethatourdimeyescanpenetratethepast，whatdowefind？Civilizations，builtupwithinfinitecare，sweptasideandlost。Beliefsforwhichmenlivedanddied，provedtobemockeries。GreekArtcrushedtothedustbyGothicbludgeons。Dreamsoffraternity，drownedinbloodbyaNapoleon。Whatislefttous，butthehopethattheworkitself，nottheresult，istherealmonument？Maybe，weareaschildren，asking，\"Ofwhatusearetheselessons？Whatgoodwilltheyeverbetous？\"Buttherecomesadaywhentheladunderstandswhyhelearntgrammarandgeography，whenevendateshaveameaningforhim。Butthisisnotuntilhehasleftschool，andgoneoutintothewiderworld。So，perhaps，whenwearealittlemoregrownup，wetoomaybegintounderstandthereasonforourliving。
ONTHECAREANDMANAGEMENTOFWOMEN
Italkedtoawomanonceonthesubjectofhoneymoons。Isaid，\"Wouldyourecommendalonghoneymoon，oraSaturdaytoMondaysomewhere？\"Asilencefelluponher。Igatheredshewaslookingbackratherthanforwardtoheranswer。
\"Iwouldadvisealonghoneymoon，\"sherepliedatlength，\"theold-fashionedmonth。\"
\"Why，\"Ipersisted，\"Ithoughtthetendencyoftheagewastocutthesethingsshorterandshorter。\"
\"Itisthetendencyoftheage，\"sheanswered，\"toseekescapefrommanythingsitwouldbewisertoface。Ithinkmyselfthat，forgoodorevil，thesooneritisover——thesoonerboththemanandthewomanknow——thebetter。\"
\"Thesoonerwhatisover？\"Iasked。
Ifshehadafault，thiswoman，aboutwhichIamnotsure，itwasaninclinationtowardsenigma。
Shecrossedtothewindowandstoodthere，lookingout。
\"Wastherenotacustom，\"shesaid，stillgazingdownintothewet，glisteningstreet，\"amongoneoftheancientpeoples，Iforgetwhich，ordainingthatwhenamanandwoman，lovingoneanother，orthinkingthattheyloved，hadbeenjoinedtogether，theyshouldgodownupontheirweddingnighttothetemple？Andintothedarkrecessesofthetemple，throughmanywindingpassages，thepriestledthemuntiltheycametothegreatchamberwheredweltthevoiceoftheirgod。Therethepriestleftthem，clanging-tothemassivedoorbehindhim，andthere，aloneinsilence，theymadetheirsacrifice；andinthenighttheVoicespoketothem，showingthemtheirfuturelife——whethertheyhadchosenwell；whethertheirlovewouldliveordie。Andinthemorningthepriestreturnedandledthembackintotheday；andtheydweltamongtheirfellows。Butnoonewaspermittedtoquestionthem，northeytoanswershouldanydoso。Well，doyouknow，ournineteenth-centuryhoneymoonatBrighton，Switzerland，orRamsgate，asthechoiceornecessitymaybe，alwaysseemstomemerelyanotherformofthatnightspentaloneinthetemplebeforethealtarofthatforgottengod。Ouryoungmenandwomenmarry，andwekissthemandcongratulatethem；and，standingonthedoorstep，throwriceandoldslippers，andshoutgoodwishesafterthem；andhewaveshisglovedhandtous，andshefluttersherlittlehandkerchieffromthecarriagewindow；andwewatchtheirsmilingfacesandheartheirlaughteruntilthecornerhidesthemfromourview。Thenwegoaboutourownbusiness，andashorttimepassesby；andonedaywemeetthemagain，andtheirfaceshavegrownolderandgraver；andIalwayswonderwhattheVoicehastoldthemduringthatlittlewhilethattheyhavebeenabsentfromoursight。Butofcourseitwouldnotdotoaskthem。
Norwouldtheyanswertrulyifwedid。\"
Myfriendlaughed，and，leavingthewindow，tookherplacebesidethetea-things，andothercallersdroppingin，wefelltotalkofpictures，plays，andpeople。
ButIfeltitwouldbeunwisetoactonhersoleadvice，muchasI
havealwaysvaluedheropinion。
Awomantakeslifetooseriously。Itisaseriousaffairtomostofus，theLordknows。Thatiswhyitiswellnottotakeitmoreseriouslythanneedbe。
LittleJackandlittleJillfalldownthehill，hurtingtheirlittleknees，andtheirlittlenoses，spillingthehard-earnedwater。Weareveryphilosophical。
\"Oh，don’tcry！\"wetellthem，\"thatisbabyish。Littleboysandlittlegirlsmustlearntobearpain。Upyouget，fillthepailagain，andtryoncemore。\"
LittleJackandlittleJillrubtheirdirtyknucklesintotheirlittleeyes，lookingruefullyattheirbloodylittleknees，andtrotbackwiththepail。Welaughatthem，butnotill-naturedly。
\"Poorlittlesouls，\"wesay；\"howtheydidhullabaloo。Onemighthavethoughttheywerehalf-killed。Anditwasonlyabrokencrown，afterall。Whatafusschildrenmake！\"WebearwithmuchstoicismthefalloflittleJackandlittleJill。
ButwhenWE——grown-upJackwithmoustacheturninggrey；grown-upJillwiththefirstfaint\"crow’sfeet\"showing——whenWEtumbledownthehill，andOURpailisspilt。YeHeavens！whatatragedyhashappened。Putoutthestars，turnoffthesun，suspendthelawsofnature。Mr。JackandMrs。Jill，comingdownthehill——whattheyweredoingonthehillwewillnotinquire——haveslippedoverastone，placedtheresurelybytheevilpowersoftheuniverse。Mr。
JackandMrs。Jillhavebumpedtheirsillyheads。Mr。JackandMrs。
Jillhavehurttheirlittlehearts，andstandmarvellingthattheworldcangoaboutitsbusinessinthefaceofsuchdisaster。
Don’ttakethematterquitesoseriously，JackandJill。Youhavespilledyourhappiness，youmusttoilupthehillagainandrefillthepail。Carryitmorecarefullynexttime。Whatwereyoudoing？
Playingsomefool’strick，I’llbebound。
Alaughandasigh，akissandgood-bye，isourlife。Isitworthsomuchfretting？Itisamerrylifeonthewhole。Courage，comrade。Acampaigncannotbealldrumandfifeandstirrup-cup。
Themarchingandthefightingmustcomeintoitsomewhere。Therearepleasantbivouacsamongthevineyards，merrynightsaroundthecampfires。Whitehandswaveawelcometous；brighteyesdimatourgoing。Wouldyourunfromthebattle-music？Whathaveyoutocomplainof？Forward：themedaltosome，thesurgeon’sknifetoothers；toallofus，soonerorlater，sixfeetofmotherearth。
Whatareyouafraidof？Courage，comrade。
Thereisameanbetweenbaskingthroughlifewiththesmilingcontentmentofthealligator，andshiveringthroughitwiththeaggressivesensibilityoftheLamadeterminedtodieateverycrossword。Tobearitasamanwemustalsofeelitasaman。Myphilosophicfriend，seeknottocomfortabrotherstandingbythecoffinofhischildwiththecheerysuggestionthatitwillbeallthesameahundredyearshence，because，foronething，theobservationisnottrue：themanischangedforalleternity——
possiblyforthebetter，butdon’taddthat。Asoldierwithabulletinhisneckisneverquitethemanhewas。Buthecanlaughandhecantalk，drinkhiswineandridehishorse。Nowandagain，towardsevening，whentheweatheristrying，thesicknesswillcomeuponhim。Youwillfindhimonacouchinadarkcorner。
\"Hallo！oldfellow，anythingup？\"
\"Oh，justatwinge，theoldwound，youknow。Iwillbebetterinalittlewhile。\"
Shutthedoorofthedarkroomquietly。IshouldnotstayeventosympathizewithhimifIwereyou。Themenwillbecomingtoscrewthecoffindownsoon。Ithinkhewouldliketobealonewithittillthen。Letusleavehim。Hewillcomebacktotheclublateronintheseason。Forawhilewemayhavetogivehimanothertenpointsorso，buthewillsoongetbackhisoldform。Nowandagain，whenhemeetstheotherfellows’boysshoutingonthetowing-path；whenBrownrushesupthedrive，paperinhand，totellhimhowthatyoungscapegraceJimhaswonhisCross；whenheiscongratulatingJones’seldestonhavingpassedwithhonours，theoldwoundmaygivehimanastytwinge。Butthepainwillpassaway。Hewilllaughatourstoriesandtellushisown；eathisdinner，playhisrubber。Itisonlyawound。
Tommycanneverbeours，Jennydoesnotloveus。Wecannotaffordclaret，sowewillhavetodrinkbeer。Well，whatwouldyouhaveusdo？Yes，letuscurseFatebyallmeans——someonetocurseisalwaysuseful。Letuscryandwringourhands——forhowlong？Thedinner-bellwillringsoon，andtheSmithsarecoming。Weshallhavetotalkabouttheoperaandthepicture-galleries。Quick，whereistheeau-de-Cologne？wherearethecurling-tongs？Orwouldyouwecommittedsuicide？Isitworthwhile？Onlyafewmoreyears——perhapsto-morrow，byaidofapieceoforangepeelorabrokenchimney-pot——andFatewillsaveusallthattrouble。
Orshallwe，assulkychildren，mopedayafterday？Weareabroken-heartedlittleJack——littleJill。Wewillneversmileagain；
wewillpineawayanddie，andbeburiedinthespring。Theworldissad，andlifesocruel，andheavensocold。Ohdear！ohdear！wehavehurtourselves。
Wewhimperandwhineateverypain。Inoldstrongdaysmenfacedrealdangers，realtroubleseveryhour；theyhadnotimetocry。
Deathanddisasterstoodeveratthedoor。Menwerecontemptuousofthem。Nowineachsnugprotectedvillawesettoworktomakewoundsoutofscratches。Everyhead-achebecomesanagony，everyheart-acheatragedy。Ittookamurderedfather，adrownedsweetheart，adishonouredmother，aghost，andaslaughteredPrimeMinistertoproducetheemotionsinHamletthatamodernminorpoetobtainsfromachorusgirl’sfrown，oratemporaryslumpontheStockExchange。LikeMrs。Gummidge，wefeelitmore。Thelighterandeasierlifegetsthemoreseriouslywegoouttomeetit。TheboatmenofUlyssesfacedthethunderandthesunshinealikewithfrolicwelcome。Wemodernsailorshavegrownmoresensitive。Thesunshinescorchesus，therainchillsus。Wemeetbothwithloudself-pity。
Thinkingthesethoughts，Isoughtasecondfriend——amanwhosebreezycommon-sensehasoftenhelpedme，andhimlikewiseI
questionedonthissubjectofhoneymoons。
\"Mydearboy，\"hereplied；\"takemyadvice，ifeveryougetmarried，arrangeitsothatthehoneymoonshallonlylastaweek，andletitbeabustlingweekintothebargain。TakeaCook’scirculartour。
GetmarriedontheSaturdaymorning，cutthebreakfastandallthatfoolishness，andcatchtheeleven-tenfromCharingCrosstoParis。
TakeheruptheEiffelToweronSunday。LunchatFontainebleau。
DineattheMaisonDoree，andshowhertheMoulinRougeintheevening。TakethenighttrainforLucerne。DevoteMondayandTuesdaytodoingSwitzerland，andgetintoRomebyThursdaymorning，takingtheItalianlakesenroute。OnFridaycrosstoMarseilles，andfromtherepushalongtoMonteCarlo。Letherhaveaflutteratthetables。StartearlySaturdaymorningforSpain，crossthePyreneesonmules，andrestatBordeauxonSunday。GetbacktoParisonMonday（Mondayisalwaysagooddayfortheopera），andonTuesdayeveningyouwillbeathome，andgladtogetthere。Don’tgivehertimetocriticizeyouuntilshehasgotusedtoyou。Nomanwillbearunprotectedexposuretoayounggirl’seyes。Thehoneymoonisthematrimonialmicroscope。Wobbleit。Confuseitwithmanyobjects。Clouditwithotherinterests。Don’tsitstilltobeexamined。Besides，rememberthatamanalwaysappearsathisbestwhenactive，andawomanatherworst。Bustleher，mydearboy，bustleher：Idon’tcarewhoshemaybe。Giveherplentyofluggagetolookafter；makehercatchtrains。Letherseetheaveragehusbandsprawlingcomfortablyovertherailwaycushions，whilehiswifehastositboltuprightinthecornerlefttoher。
Letherhearhowothermenswear。Lethersmellothermen’stobacco。Hurryup，andgetheraccustomedquicklytothesightofmankind。Thenshewillbelesssurprisedandshockedasshegrowstoknowyou。OneofthebestfellowsIeverknewspoilthismarriedlifebeyondrepairbyalongquiethoneymoon。Theywentoffforamonthtoalonelycottageinsomeheaven-forsakenspot，whereneverasoulcamenearthem，andneverathinghappenedbutmorning，afternoon，andnight。Thereforthirtydayssheoverhauledhim。
Whenheyawned——andheyawnedprettyoften，Iguess，duringthatmonth——shethoughtofthesizeofhismouth，andwhenheputhisheelsuponthefendershesatandbroodedupontheshapeofhisfeet。Atmeal-time，notfeelinghungryherself，havingnothingtodotomakeherhungry，shewouldoccupyherselfwithwatchinghimeat；andatnight，notfeelingsleepyforthesamereason，shewouldlieawakeandlistentohissnoring。Afterthefirstdayortwohegrewtiredoftalkingnonsense，andsheoflisteningtoit（itsoundednonsensenowtheycouldspeakitaloud；theyhadfancieditpoetrywhentheyhadhadtowhisperit）；andhavingnoothersubject，asyet，ofcommoninterest，theywouldsitandstareinfrontoftheminsilence。Onedaysometrifleirritatedhimandheswore。Onabusyrailwayplatform，orinacrowdedhotel，shewouldhavesaid，’Oh！’andtheywouldbothhavelaughed。Fromthatechoingdesertthesillywordsroseupinwideningcirclestowardsthesky，andthatnightshecriedherselftosleep。Bustlethem，mydearboy，bustlethem。Wealllikeeachotherbetterthelesswethinkaboutoneanother，andthehoneymoonisanexceptionallycriticaltime。Bustleher，mydearboy，bustleher。\"
MyveryworsthoneymoonexperiencetookplaceintheSouthofEnglandineighteenhundredand——well，nevermindtheexactdate，letussayafewyearsago。Iwasashyyoungmanatthattime。
Manycomplainofmyreservetothisday，butthensomegirlsexpecttoomuchfromaman。Weallhaveourshortcomings。Eventhen，however，Iwasnotsoshyasshe。WehadtotravelfromLyndhurstintheNewForesttoVentnor，anawkwardbitofcross-countryworkinthosedays。
\"It’ssofortunateyouaregoingtoo，\"saidheraunttomeontheTuesday；\"Minnieisalwaysnervoustravellingalone。Youwillbeabletolookafterher，andIshan’tbeanxious。
Isaiditwouldbeapleasure，andatthetimeIhonestlythoughtit。OntheWednesdayIwentdowntothecoachoffice，andbookedtwoplacesforLymington，fromwherewetookthesteamer。Ihadnotasuspicionoftrouble。
Thebooking-clerkwasanelderlyman。Hesaid——
\"I’vegottheboxseat，andtheendplaceonthebackbench。\"
Isaid——
\"Oh，can’tIhavetwotogether？\"
Hewasakindly-lookingoldfellow。Hewinkedatme。Iwonderedallthewayhomewhyhehadwinkedatme。Hesaid——
\"I’llmanageitsomehow。\"
Isaid——
\"It’sverykindofyou，I’msure。
Helaidhishandonmyshoulder。Hestruckmeasfamiliar，butwell-intentioned。Hesaid——
\"Wehaveallofusbeenthere。\"
IthoughthewasalludingtotheIsleofWight。Isaid——
\"Andthisisthebesttimeoftheyearforit，soI’mtold。\"Itwasearlysummertime。
Hesaid——\"It’sallrightinsummer，andit’sgoodenoughinwinter——
WHILEITLASTS。Youmakethemostofit，young’un；\"andheslappedmeonthebackandlaughed。
Hewouldhaveirritatedmeinanotherminute。Ipaidfortheseatsandlefthim。
Athalf-pasteightthenextmorningMinnieandIstartedforthecoach-office。IcallherMinnie，notwithanywishtobeimpertinent，butbecauseIhaveforgottenhersurname。ItmustbetenyearssinceIlastsawher。Shewasaprettygirl，too，withthosebrowneyesthatalwayscloudbeforetheylaugh。Herauntdidnotdrivedownwithusasshehadintended，inconsequenceofaheadache。Shewasgoodenoughtosayshefelteveryconfidenceinme。
Theoldbooking-clerkcaughtsightofuswhenwewereaboutaquarterofamileaway，anddrewtoustheattentionofthecoachman，whocommunicatedthefactofourapproachtothegatheredpassengers。Everybodyleftofftalking，andwaitedforus。Thebootsseizedhishorn，andblew——onecouldhardlycallitablast；
itwouldbedifficulttosaywhatheblew。Heputhisheartintoit，butnotsufficientwind。Ithinkhisintentionwastowelcomeus，butitsuggestedratherafeeblecurse。Welearntsubsequentlythathewasabeginnerontheinstrument。
Insomemysteriouswaythewholeaffairappearedtobeourparty。
Thebooking-clerkbustledupandhelpedMinniefromthecart。I
feared，foramoment，hewasgoingtokissher。ThecoachmangrinnedwhenIsaidgood-morningtohim。Thepassengersgrinned，thebootsgrinned。Twochamber-maidsandawaitercameoutfromthehotel，andtheygrinned。IdrewMinnieaside，andwhisperedtoher。
Isaid——
\"There’ssomethingfunnyaboutus。Allthesepeoplearegrinning。\"
Shewalkedroundme，andIwalkedroundher，butwecouldneitherofusdiscoveranythingamusingabouttheother。Thebooking-clerksaid——
\"It’sallright。I’vegotyouyoungpeopletwoplacesjustbehindthebox-seat。We’llhavetoputfiveofyouonthatseat。Youwon’tmindsittingabitclose，willyou？\"
Thebooking-clerkwinkedatthecoachman，thecoachmanwinkedatthepassengers，thepassengerswinkedatoneanother——thoseofthemwhocouldwink——andeverybodylaughed。Thetwochamber-maidsbecamehysterical，andhadtoclingtoeachotherforsupport。WiththeexceptionofMinnieandmyself，itseemedtobethemerriestcoachpartyeverassembledatLyndhurst。
Wehadtakenourplaces，andIwasstillbusytryingtofathomthejoke，whenastoutladyappearedonthescene，anddemandedtoknowherplace。
Theclerkexplainedtoherthatitwasinthemiddlebehindthedriver。
\"We’vehadtoputfiveofyouonthatseat，\"addedtheclerk。
Thestoutladylookedattheseat。
\"Fiveofuscan’tsqueezeintothat，\"shesaid。
Fiveofhercertainlycouldnot。Fourordinarysizedpeoplewithherwouldfindittight。
\"Verywellthen，\"saidtheclerk，\"youcanhavetheendplaceonthebackseat。\"
\"Nothingofthesort，\"saidthestoutlady。\"IbookedmyseatonMonday，andyoutoldmeanyofthefrontplaceswerevacant。
\"I’LLtakethebackplace，\"Isaid，\"Idon’tmindit。
\"Youstopwhereyouare，young’un，\"saidtheclerk，firmly，\"anddon’tbeafool。I’llfixHER。\"
Iobjectedtohislanguage，buthistonewaskindnessitself。
\"Oh，letMEhavethebackseat，\"saidMinnie，rising，\"I’dsolikeit。\"
Foranswerthecoachmanputbothhishandsonhershoulders。Hewasaheavyman，andshesatdownagain。
\"Nowthen，mum，\"saidtheclerk，addressingthestoutlady，\"areyougoingupthereinthemiddle，orareyoucominguphereattheback？\"
\"Butwhynotletoneofthemtakethebackseat？\"demandedthestoutlady，pointingherreticuleatMinnieandmyself；\"theysaythey’dlikeit。Letthemhaveit。\"
Thecoachmanrose，andaddressedhisremarksgenerally。
\"Putherupattheback，orleaveherbehind，\"hedirected。\"ManandwifehaveneverbeenseparatedonthiscoachsinceIstartedrunningitfifteenyearago，andtheyain’tgoingtobenow。\"
Ageneralcheergreetedthissentiment。Thestoutlady，nowregardedasawould-beblighteroflove’syoungdream，washustledintothebackseat，thewhipcracked，andawaywerolled。
Soherewastheexplanation。Wewereinahoneymoondistrict，inJune——themostpopularmonthinthewholeyearformarriage。EverytwooutofthreecouplesfoundwanderingabouttheNewForestinJunearehoneymooncouples；thethirdaregoingtobe。WhentheytravelanywhereitistotheIsleofWight。Webothhadonnewclothes。Ourbagshappenedtobenew。Bysomeevilchanceourveryumbrellaswerenew。Ourunitedageswerethirty-seven。ThewonderwouldhavebeenhadweNOTbeenmistakenforayoungmarriedcouple。
AdayofgreatermiseryIhaverarelypassed。ToMinnie，soherauntinformedmeafterwards，thejourneywasthemostterribleexperienceofherlife，butthenherexperience，uptothattime，hadbeenlimited。Shewasengaged，anddevotedlyattached，toayoungclergyman；IwasmadlyinlovewithasomewhatplumpgirlnamedCeciliawholivedwithhermotheratHampstead。IampositiveastoherlivingatHampstead。IremembersodistinctlymyweeklywalkdownthehillfromChurchRowtotheSwissCottagestation。
Whenwalkingdownasteephillalltheweightofthebodyisforcedintothetoeoftheboot，andwhenthebootistwosizestoosmallforyou，andyouhavebeenlivinginitsincetheearlyafternoon，yourememberathinglikethat。ButallmyrecollectionsofCeciliaarepainful，anditisneedlesstopursuethem。
Ourcoach-loadwasahomelyparty，andsomeofthejokeswerebroad——harmlessenoughinthemselves，hadMinnieandIreallybeenthemarriedcoupleweweresupposedtobe，buteveninthatcaseunnecessary。IcanonlyhopethatMinniedidnotunderstandthem。
Anyhow，shelookedasifshedidn’t。
Iforgetwherewestoppedforlunch，butIrememberthatlambandmintsaucewasonthetable，andthatthecircumstanceaffordedthegreatestdelighttoalltheparty，withtheexceptionofthestoutlady，whowasstillindignant，Minnieandmyself。Aboutmybehaviourasabridegroomopinionappearedtobedivided。\"He’sabitstandoffishwithher，\"Ioverheardoneladyremarktoherhusband；\"Iliketosee’emabitkittenishmyself。\"Ayoungwaitress，ontheotherhand，Iamhappytosay，showedmoresenseofnaturalreserve。\"Well，Irespecthimforit，\"shewassayingtothebarmaid，aswepassedthroughthehall；\"I’djusthatetobefuzzledoverwitheverybodylookingon。\"Nobodytookthetroubletodroptheirvoicesforourbenefit。Wemighthavebeenapairofprizelovebirdsonexhibition，thewaywewereopenlydiscussed。
Bythemajoritywewereclearlyregardedasasulkyyoungcouplewhowouldnotgothroughtheirtricks。
Ihaveoftenwonderedsincehowarealmarriedcouplewouldhavefacedthesituation。Possibly，hadweconsentedtogiveashortdisplayofmaritalaffection，\"bydesire，\"wemighthavebeenleftinpeacefortheremainderofthejourney。
Ourreputationprecededusontothesteamboat。Minniebeggedandprayedmetoletitbeknownwewerenotmarried。HowIwastoletitbeknown，exceptbyrequestingthecaptaintosummonthewholeship’scompanyondeck，andthenmakingthemashortspeech，Icouldnotthink。Minniesaidshecouldnotbearitanylonger，andretiredtotheladies’cabin。Shewentoffcrying。Hertroublewasattributedbycrewandpassengerstomycoldness。Onefoolplantedhimselfoppositemewithhislegsapart，andshookhisheadatme。
\"Godownandcomforther，\"hebegan。\"Takeanoldman’sadvice。
Putyourarmsaroundher。\"（Hewasoneofthosesentimentalidiots。）\"Tellherthatyouloveher。\"
Itoldhimtogoandhanghimself，withsomuchvigourthatheallbutfelloverboard。Hewassavedbyapoultrycrate：Ihadnoluckthatday。
AtRydetheguard，bysuperhumaneffort，contrivedtokeepusacarriagetoourselves。Igavehimashilling，becauseIdidnotknowwhatelsetodo。Iwouldhavemadeithalf-a-sovereignifhehadputeightotherpassengersinwithus。Ateverystationpeoplecametothewindowtolookinatus。
IhandedMinnieovertoherfatheronVentnorplatform；andItookthefirsttrainthenextmorning，toLondon。IfeltIdidnotwanttoseeheragainforalittlewhile；andIfeltconvincedshecoulddowithoutavisitfromme。Ournextmeetingtookplacetheweekbeforehermarriage。
\"Whereareyougoingtospendyourhoneymoon？\"Iaskedher；\"intheNewForest？\"
\"No，\"shereplied；\"norintheIsleofWight。\"
Toenjoythehumourofanincidentonemustbeatsomedistancefromiteitherintimeorrelationship。IrememberwatchinganamusingsceneinWhitefieldStreet，justoffTottenhamCourtRoad，onewinter’sSaturdaynight。Awoman——aratherrespectablelookingwoman，hadherhatonlybeenonstraight——hadjustbeenshotoutofapublic-house。Shewasverydignified，andverydrunk。A
policemanrequestedhertomoveon。Shecalledhim\"Fellow，\"anddemandedtoknowofhimifheconsideredthatwasthepropertoneinwhichtoaddressalady。Shethreatenedtoreporthimtohercousin，theLordChancellor。
\"Yes；thiswaytotheLordChancellor，\"retortedthepoliceman。
\"Youcomealongwithme；\"andhecaughtholdofherbythearm。
Shegavealurch，andnearlyfell。Tosaveherthemanputhisarmroundherwaist。Sheclaspedhimroundtheneck，andtogethertheyspunroundtwoorthreetimes；whileattheverymomentapiano-
organattheoppositecornerstruckupawaltz。
\"Chooseyourpartners，gentlemen，forthenextdance，\"shoutedawag，andthecrowdroared。
Iwaslaughingmyself，forthesituationwasundeniablycomical，theconstable’sexpressionofdisgustbeingquiteHogarthian，whenthesightofachild’sfacebeneaththegas-lampstayedme。HerlookwassofullofterrorthatItriedtocomforther。
\"It’sonlyadrunkenwoman，\"Isaid；\"he’snotgoingtohurther。\"
\"Please，sir，\"wastheanswer，\"it’smymother。\"
Ourjokeisgenerallyanother’spain。Themanwhositsdownonthetin-tackrarelyjoinsinthelaughONTHEMINDINGOFOTHERPEOPLE’SBUSINESS
IwalkedonebrightSeptembermorningintheStrand。IloveLondonbestintheautumn。Thenonlycanoneseethegleamofitswhitepavements，thebold，unbrokenoutlineofitsstreets。Ilovethecoolvistasonecomesacrossofmorningsintheparks，thesofttwilightsthatlingerintheemptybye-streets。InJunetherestaurantmanagerisoff-handwithme；IfeelIambutinhisway。
InAugusthespreadsformethetablebythewindow，poursoutformemywinewithhisownfathands。Icannotdoubthisregardforme：myfoolishjealousiesarestilled。DoIcareforadriveafterdinnerthroughthecaressingnightair，Icanclimbtheomnibusstairwithoutapreliminaryfightuponthecurb，cansitwitheasyconscienceandunsquashedbody，notfeelingIhavedeprivedsomehot，tiredwomanofaseat。DoIdesiretheplay，noharsh，forbidding\"Housefull\"boardrepelsmefromthedoor。Duringherseason，London，aharassedhostess，hasnotimeforus，herintimates。Herroomsareovercrowded，herservantsoverworked，herdinnershurriedlycooked，hertoneinsincere。Inthespring，tobetruthful，thegreatladycondescendstobesomewhatvulgar——noisyandostentatious。Nottilltheguestsaredepartedissheherselfagain，theLondonthatwe，herchildren，love。
Haveyou，gentleReader，everseenLondon——nottheLondonofthewakingday，coatedwithcrawlinglife，asablossomwithblight，buttheLondonofthemorning，freedfromherrags，thepatientcity，cladinmists？GetyouupwiththedawnoneSundayinsummertime。
Wakenoneelse，butcreepdownstealthilyintothekitchen，andmakeyourownteaandtoast。
Becarefulyoustumblenotoverthecat。Shewillwormherselfinsidiouslybetweenyourlegs。Itisherway；shemeansitinfriendship。Neitherbarkyourshinsagainstthecoal-box。Whythekitchencoal-boxhasitsfixedplaceinthedirectlinebetweenthekitchendoorandthegas-bracketIcannotsay。Imerelyknowitasanuniversallaw；andIwouldthatyouescapedthatcoal-box，lesttheframeofmindIdesireforyouonthisSabbathmorningbedissipated。
Aspoontostiryourtea，Ifearyoumustdispensewith。Knivesandforksyouwilldiscoverinplenty；blackingbrushesyouwillputyourhanduponineverydrawer；ofemerypaper，didonerequireit，therearereams；butitisapointwitheveryhousekeeperthatthespoonsbehiddeninadifferentplaceeachnight。Ifanybodyexceptingherselfcanfindtheminthemorning，itisasluruponher。Nomatter，astickoffirewood，sharpenedatoneend，makesanexcellentsubstitute。
Yourbreakfastdone，turnoutthegas，remountthestairsquietly，opengentlythefrontdoorandslipout。Youwillfindyourselfinanunknownland。Astrangecitygrownroundyouinthenight。
Thesweetlongstreetsliesilentinsunlight。NotalivingthingistobeseensavesomeleanTomthatslinksfromhisgutterfeastasyouapproach。Fromsometreetherewillsoundperhapsafretfulchirp：buttheLondonsparrowisnoearlyriser；heisbuttalkinginhissleep。Theslowtrampofunseenpolicemandrawsnearordiesaway。Theclatterofyourownfootstepsgoeswithyou，troublingyou。Youfindyourselftryingtowalksoftly，asonedoesinechoingcathedrals。Avoiceiseverywhereaboutyouwhisperingtoyou\"Hush。\"Isthismillion-breastedCitythensometenderArtemis，seekingtokeepherbabesasleep？\"Hush，youcarelesswayfarer；donotwakenthem。Walklighter；theyaresotired，thesemyriadchildrenofmine，sleepinginmythousandarms。Theyareover-workedandover-worried；somanyofthemaresick，somanyfretful，manyofthem，alas，sofullofnaughtiness。Butallofthemsotired。Hush！theyworrymewiththeirnoiseandriotwhentheyareawake。Theyaresogoodnowtheyareasleep。Walklightly，letthemrest。\"
Wheretheebbingtideflowssoftlythroughwornarchestothesea，youmayhearthestone-facedCitytalkingtotherestlesswaters：
\"Whywillyouneverstaywithme？Whycomebuttogo？\"
\"Icannotsay，Idonotunderstand。FromthedeepseaIcome，butonlyasabirdloosedfromachild’shandwithacord。WhenshecallsImustreturn。\"
\"Itissowiththesechildrenofmine。Theycometome，Iknownotwhence。Inursethemforalittlewhile，tillahandIdonotseeplucksthemback。Andotherstaketheirplace。\"
Throughthestillairtherepassesarippleofsound。ThesleepingCitystirswithafaintsigh。Adistantmilk-cartrattlingbyraisesathousandechoes；itisthevanguardofayokedarmy。Soonfromeverystreetthererisesthesoothingcry，\"Mee’hilk——mee’hilk。\"
LondonlikesomeGargantuanbabe，isawake，cryingforitsmilk。
Thesebethewhite-smockednurseshasteningwithitsmorningnourishment。Theearlychurchbellsring。\"Youhavehadyourmilk，littleLondon。Nowcomeandsayyourprayers。Anotherweekhasjustbegun，babyLondon。Godknowswhatwillhappen，sayyourprayers。\"
Onebyonethelittlecreaturescreepfrombehindtheblindsintothestreets。ThebroodingtendernessisvanishedfromtheCity’sface。Thefretfulnoisesofthedayhavecomeagain。Silence，herloverofthenight，kissesherstonelips，andstealsaway。Andyou，gentleReader，returnhome，garlandedwiththeself-sufficiencyoftheearlyriser。
Butitwasofacertainweek-daymorning，intheStrandthatIwasthinking。IwasstandingoutsideGatti’sRestaurant，whereIhadjustbreakfasted，listeningleisurelytoanargumentbetweenanindignantladypassenger，presumablyofIrishextraction，andanomnibusconductor。
\"Forwhatd’yewantthintopaintPutneyonye’rbus，ifyedon’tGO
toPutney？\"saidthe，lady。
\"WeDOgotoPutney，\"saidtheconductor。
\"Thinwhydidyeputmeouthere？\"
\"Ididn’tputyouout，yergotout。\"
\"Shure，didn’tthegintlemaninthecornertellmeIwascomin’
furtherawayfromPutneyiveryminit？\"
\"Wal，andsoyerwas。\"
\"Thinwhoydidn’tyoutellme？\"
\"HowwasItoknowyerwantedtogotoPutney？YersingsoutPutney，andIstopsandinyerjumps。\"
\"Andforwhatd’yethinkIcalledoutPutneythin？\"
\"’Causeit’smyname，orraytherthebus’sname。This’ereISaPutney。\"
\"HowcanitbeaPutneywhinitisn’tgoin’toPutney，yegomerhawk？\"
\"Ain’tyouanHirishwoman？\"retortedtheconductor。\"Courseyerare。Butyeraren’talwaysgoin’toIreland。We’regoin’toPutneyintime，onlywe’rea-goingtoLiverpoolStreetfust。’Igherup，Jim。\"
Thebusmovedon，andIwasaboutcrosstheroad，whenaman，mutteringsavagelytohimself，walkedintome。HewouldhavesweptpastmehadInot，recognizinghim，arrestedhim。ItwasmyfriendB————-，abusyeditorofmagazinesandjournals。Itwassomesecondsbeforeheappearedabletostruggleoutofhisabstraction，andrememberhimself。\"Halloo，\"hethensaid，\"whowouldhavethoughtofseeingYOUhere？\"
\"Tojudgebythewayyouwerewalking，\"Ireplied，\"onewouldimaginetheStrandthelastplaceinwhichyouexpectedtoseeanyhumanbeing。Doyoueverwalkintoashort-tempered，muscularman？\"
\"DidIwalkintoyou？\"heaskedsurprised。
