\"Well，notrightin，\"Ianswered，\"Iifwearetobeliteral。Youwalkedontome；ifIhadnotstoppedyou，Isupposeyouwouldhavewalkedoverme。\"
\"ItisthisconfoundedChristmasbusiness，\"heexplained。\"Itdrivesmeoffmyhead。\"
\"IhaveheardChristmasadvancedasanexcuseformanythings，\"I
replied，\"butnotearlyinSeptember。\"
\"Oh，youknowwhatImean，\"heanswered，\"weareinthemiddleofourChristmasnumber。Iamworkingdayandnightuponit。Bythebye，\"headded，\"thatputsmeinmind。Iamarrangingasymposium，andIwantyoutojoin。’ShouldChristmas，’\"——Iinterruptedhim。
\"Mydearfellow，\"Isaid，\"IcommencedmyjournalisticcareerwhenI
waseighteen，andIhavecontinueditatintervalseversince。I
havewrittenaboutChristmasfromthesentimentalpointofview；I
haveanalyzeditfromthephilosophicalpointofview；andIhavescarifieditfromthesarcasticstandpoint。IhavetreatedChristmashumorouslyfortheComics，andsympatheticallyfortheProvincialWeeklies。IhavesaidallthatisworthsayingonthesubjectofChristmas——maybeatriflemore。Ihavetoldthenew-fashionedChristmasstory——youknowthesortofthing：yourheroinetriestounderstandherself，and，failing，runsoffwiththemanwhobeganasthehero；yourgoodwomanturnsouttobereallybadwhenonecomestoknowher；whilethevillain，theonlydecentpersoninthestory，dieswithanenigmaticsentenceonhislipsthatlooksasifitmeantsomething，butwhichyouyourselfwouldbesorrytohavetoexplain。Ihavealsowrittentheold-fashionedChristmasstory——youknowthatalso：youbeginwithagoodold-fashionedsnowstorm；youhaveagoodold-fashionedsquire，andhelivesinagoodold-fashionedHall；youworkinagoodold-fashionedmurder；andendupwithagoodold-fashionedChristmasdinner。IhavegatheredChristmasgueststogetherroundthecracklinglogstotellghoststoriestoeachotheronChristmasEve，whilewithoutthewindhowled，asitalwaysdoesontheseoccasions，atitspropercue。IhavesentchildrentoHeavenonChristmasEve——itmustbequiteabusytimeforSt。Peter，Christmasmorning，somanygoodchildrendieonChristmasEve。Ithasalwaysbeenapopularnightwiththem。——Ihaverevivifieddeadloversandbroughtthembackwellandjolly，justintimetositdowntotheChristmasdinner。Iamnotashamedofhavingdonethesethings。AtthetimeIthoughtthemgood。Ioncelovedcurrantwineandgirlswithtowzleyhair。One’sviewschangeasonegrowsolder。IhavediscussedChristmasasareligiousfestival。Ihavearraigneditasasocialincubus。IftherebeanyjokeconnectedwithChristmasthatIhavenotalreadymadeIshouldbegladtohearit。Ihavetrottedouttheindigestionjokestillthesightofoneofthemgivesmeindigestionmyself。Ihaveridiculedthefamilygathering。
IhavescoffedattheChristmaspresent。Ihavemadewittyuseofpaterfamiliasandhisbills。Ihave——\"
\"DidIevershowyou，\"IbrokeofftoaskaswewerecrossingtheHaymarket，\"thatlittleparodyofmineonPoe’spoemof’TheBells’？
Itbegins——\"Heinterruptedmeinhisturn——
\"Bills，bills，bills，\"herepeated。
\"Youarequiteright，\"Iadmitted。\"IforgotIevershowedittoyou。\"
\"Youneverdid，\"hereplied。
\"Thenhowdoyouknowhowitbegins？\"Iasked。
\"Idon’tknowforcertain，\"headmitted，\"butIget，onanaverage，sixty-fiveayearsubmittedtome，andtheyallbeginthatway。I
thought，perhaps，yoursdidalso。\"
\"Idon’tseehowelseitcouldbegin，\"Iretorted。Hehadratherannoyedme。\"Besides，itdoesn’tmatterhowapoembegins，itishowitgoesonthatistheimportantthingandanyhow，I’mnotgoingtowriteyouanythingaboutChristmas。Askmetomakeyouanewjokeaboutaplumber；suggestmyinventingsomethingoriginalandnottooshockingforachildtosayaboutheaven；proposemyrunningyouoffadogstorythatcanbebelievedbyamanofaveragedeterminationandwemaycometoterms。ButonthesubjectofChristmasIamtakingarest。\"
BythistimewehadreachedPiccadillyCircus。
\"Idon’tblameyou，\"hesaid，\"ifyouareassickofthesubjectasIam。SosoonastheseChristmasnumbersareoffmymind，andChristmasisovertillnextJuneattheoffice，Ishallbeginitathome。Thehousekeepingisgoneupapoundaweekalready。Iknowwhatthatmeans。ThedearlittlewomanissavinguptogivemeanexpensivepresentthatIdon’twant。IthinkthepresentsaretheworstpartofChristmas。Emmawillgivemeawater-colourthatshehaspaintedherself。Shealwaysdoes。Therewouldbenoharminthatifshedidnotexpectmetohangitinthedrawingroom。HaveyoueverseenmycousinEmma’swater-colours？\"heasked。
\"IthinkIhave，\"Ireplied。
\"There’snothinkingaboutit，\"heretortedangrily。\"They’renotthesortofwater-coloursyouforget。\"
HeapostrophizedtheCircusgenerally。
\"Whydopeopledothesethings？\"hedemanded。\"EvenanamateurartistmusthaveSOMEsense。Can’ttheyseewhatishappening？
There’sthatthingofhershanginginthepassage。Iputitinthepassagebecausethere’snotmuchlightinthepassage。She’slabelleditReverie。IfshehadcalleditInfluenzaIcouldhaveunderstoodit。Iaskedherwhereshegottheideafrom，andshesaidshesawtheskylikethatoneeveninginNorfolk。GreatHeavens！thenwhydidn’tsheshuthereyesorgohomeandhidebehindthebed-curtains？IfIhadseenaskylikethatinNorfolkI
shouldhavetakenthefirsttrainbacktoLondon。Isupposethepoorgirlcan’thelpseeingthesethings，butwhypaintthem？\"
Isaid，\"Isupposepaintingisanecessitytosomenatures。\"
\"Butwhygivethethingstome？\"hepleaded。
Icouldofferhimnoadequatereason。
\"Theidioticpresentsthatpeoplegiveyou！\"hecontinued。\"IsaidI’dlikeTennyson’spoemsoneyear。TheyhadworriedmetoknowwhatIdidwant。Ididn’twantanythingreally；thatwastheonlythingIcouldthinkofthatIwasn’tdeadsureIdidn’twant。Well，theyclubbedtogether，fourofthem，andgavemeTennysonintwelvevolumes，illustratedwithcolouredphotographs。Theymeantkindly，ofcourse。Ifyousuggestatobacco-pouchtheygiveyouabluevelvetbagcapableofholdingaboutapound，embroideredwithflowers，life-size。Theonlywayonecoulduseitwouldbetoputastraptoitandwearitasasatchel。Wouldyoubelieveit，Ihavegotavelvetsmoking-jacket，ornamentedwithforget-me-notsandbutterfliesincolouredsilk；I’mnotjoking。AndtheyaskmewhyI
neverwearit。I’llbringitdowntotheCluboneofthesenightsandwaketheplaceupabit：itneedsit。\"
Wehadarrivedbythisatthestepsofthe’Devonshire。’
\"AndI’mjustasbad，\"hewenton，\"whenIgivepresents。Inevergivethemwhattheywant。Ineverhituponanythingthatisofanyusetoanybody。IfIgiveJaneachinchillatippet，youmaybecertainchinchillaisthemostout-of-datefurthatanywomancouldwear。’Oh！thatisniceofyou，’shesays；’nowthatisjusttheverythingIwanted。Iwillkeepitbymetillchinchillacomesinagain。’Igivethegirlswatch-chainswhennobodyiswearingwatch-chains。Whenwatch-chainsarealltherageIgivethemear-rings，andtheythankme，andsuggestmytakingthemtoafancy-dressball，thatbeingtheironlychancetoweartheconfoundedthings。Iwastemoneyonwhitegloveswithblackbacks，tofindthatwhitegloveswithblackbacksstampawomanassuburban。Ibelievealltheshop-keepersinLondonsavetheiroldstocktopalmitoffonmeatChristmastime。Andwhydoesitalwaystakehalf-a-dozenpeopletoserveyouwithapairofgloves，I’dliketoknow？OnlylastweekJaneaskedmetogethersomeglovesforthatlastMansionHouseaffair。Iwasfeelingamiable，andIthoughtIwoulddothethinghandsomely。Ihategoingintoadraper’sshop；everybodystaresatamanasifhewereforcinghiswayintotheladies’departmentofaTurkishbath。Oneofthosemarionettesortofmencameuptomeandsaiditwasafinemorning。
WhatthedevildidIwanttotalkaboutthemorningtohimfor？I
saidIwantedsomegloves。Idescribedthemtothebestofmyrecollection。Isaid，’Iwantthemfourbuttons，buttheyarenottobebutton-gloves；thebuttonsareinthemiddleandtheyreachuptotheelbow，ifyouknowwhatImean。’Hebowed，andsaidheunderstoodexactlywhatImeant，whichwasadamnedsightmorethanIdid。ItoldhimIwantedthreepaircreamandthreepairfawn-coloured，andthefawn-colouredweretobeswedes。Hecorrectedme。HesaidImeant’Suede。’Idaresayhewasright，buttheinterruptionputmeoff，andIhadtobeginoveragain。HelistenedattentivelyuntilIhadfinished。IguessIwasaboutfiveminutesstandingwithhimthereclosetothedoor。Hesaid，’Isthatallyourequire，sir，thismorning？’Isaiditwas。
\"’Thankyou，sir，’hereplied。’Thisway，please，sir。’
\"Hetookmeintoanotherroom，andtherewemetamannamedJansen，towhomhebrieflyintroducedmeasagentlemanwho’desiredgloves。’’Yes，sir，’saidMr。Jansen；andwhatsortofglovesdoyoudesire？’
\"ItoldhimIwantedsixpairsaltogether——threesuede，fawn-coloured，andthreecream-coloured——kids。
\"Hesaid，’Doyoumeankidgloves，sir，orglovesforchildren？’
\"Hemademeangrybythat。ItoldhimIwasnotinthehabitofusingslang。NoramIwhenbuyinggloves。Hesaidhewassorry。I
explainedtohimaboutthebuttons，sofarasIcouldunderstanditmyself，andaboutthelength。Iaskedhimtoseetoitthatthebuttonsweresewnonfirmly，andthatthestitchingeverywherewasperfect，addingthatthelastglovesmywifehadhadofhisfirmhadbeenmostunsatisfactory。Janehadimpresseduponmetoaddthat。
Shesaiditwouldmakethemmorecareful。
\"Helistenedtomeinraptecstacy。Imighthavebeenmusic。
\"’Andwhatsize，sir？’heasked。
\"Ihadforgottenthat。’Oh，sixes，’Ianswered，’unlesstheyareverystretchyindeed，inwhichcasetheyhadbetterbefiveandthree-quarter。’
\"’Oh，andthestitchingonthecreamistobeblack，’Iadded。ThatwasanotherthingIhadforgotten。
\"’Thankyouverymuch，’saidMr。Jansen；’isthereanythingelsethatyourequirethismorning？’
\"’No，thankyou，’Ireplied，’notthismorning。’Iwasbeginningtoliketheman。
\"Hetookmeforquiteawalk，andwhereverwewenteverybodyleftoffwhattheyweredoingtostareatme。Iwasgettingtiredwhenwereachedtheglovedepartment。Hemarchedmeuptoayoungmanwhowasstickingpinsintohimself。Hesaid’Gloves，’anddisappearedthroughacurtain。Theyoungmanleftoffstickingpinsintohimself，andleantacrossthecounter。
\"’Ladies’glovesorgentlemen’sgloves？’hesaid。
\"Well，Iwasprettymadbythistime，asyoucanguess。Itisfunnywhenyoucometothinkofitafterwards，butthewonderthenwasthatIdidn’tpunchhishead。
\"Isaid，’Areyoueverbusyinthisshop？Doesthereevercomeatimewhenyoufeelyouwouldliketogetyourworkdone，insteadoflingeringoveritandspinningitoutforpureloveofthething？’
\"Hedidnotappeartounderstandme。Isaid，’Imetamanatyourdooraquarterofanhourago，andwetalkedabouttheseglovesthatIwant，andItoldhimallmyideasonthesubject。HetookmetoyourMr。Jansen，andMr。JansenandIwentoverthewholebusinessagain。NowMr。Jansenleavesitwithyou——youwhodonotevenknowwhetherIwantladies’orgentlemen’sgloves。BeforeIgooverthisstoryforthethirdtime，Iwanttoknowwhetheryouarethemanwhoisgoingtoserveme，orwhetheryouaremerelyalistener，becausepersonallyIamtiredofthesubject？’
\"Well，thiswastherightmanatlast，andIgotmyglovesfromhim。
Butwhatistheexplanation——whatistheidea？Iwasinthatshopfromfirsttolastfive-and-thirtyminutes。Andthenafooltookmeoutthewrongwaytoshowmeaspeciallineinsleeping-socks。I
toldhimIwasnotrequiringany。Hesaidhedidn’twantmetobuy，heonlywantedmetoseethem。Nowonderthedrapershavehadtostartluncheonandtea-rooms。They’llfixupsmallfurnishedflatssoon，whereawomancanliveforaweek。\"
Isaiditwasverytrying，shopping。Ialsosaid，asheinvitedme，andasheappeareddeterminedtogoontalking，thatIwouldhaveabrandy-and-soda。Wewereinthesmoke-roombythistime。
\"Thereoughttobeanassociation，\"hecontinued，\"akindofclearing-houseforthecollectionanddistributionofChristmaspresents。Onewouldgivethemalistofthepeoplefromwhomtocollectpresents，andofthepeopletowhomtosend。SupposetheycollectedonmyaccounttwentyChristmaspresents，value，say，tenpounds，whileontheotherhandtheysentoutformethirtypresentsatacostoffifteenpounds。Theywoulddebitmewiththebalanceoffivepounds，togetherwithasmallcommission。Ishouldpayitcheerfully，andtherewouldbenofurthertrouble。Perhapsonemightevenmakeaprofit。Theideamightincludebirthdaysandweddings。Afirmwoulddothebusinessthoroughly。Theywouldseethatallyourfriendspaidup——Imeansentpresents；andtheywouldnotforgettosendtoyourmostimportantrelative。Thereisonlyonememberofourfamilycapableofleavingashilling；andofcourseifIforgettosendtoanyoneitistohim。WhenIrememberhimIgenerallymakeamuddleofthebusiness。TwoyearsagoIgavehimabath——Idon’tmeanIwashedhim——anindia-rubberthing，thathecouldpackinhisportmanteau。Ithoughthewouldfinditusefulfortravelling。Wouldyoubelieveit，hetookitasapersonalaffront，andwouldn’tspeaktomeforamonth，thesnuffyoldidiot。\"
\"Isupposethechildrenenjoyit，\"Isaid。
\"Enjoywhat？\"heasked。
\"Why，Christmas，\"Iexplained。
\"Idon’tbelievetheydo，\"hesnapped；\"nobodyenjoysit。Weexcitethemforthreeweeksbeforehand，tellingthemwhatagoodtimetheyaregoingtohave，over-feedthemfortwoorthreedays，takethemtosomethingtheydonotwanttosee，butwhichwedo，andthenbullythemforafortnighttogetthembackintotheirnormalcondition。IwasalwaystakentotheCrystalPalaceandMadameTussaud’swhenIwasachild，Iremember。HowIdidhatethatCrystalPalace！Auntusedtosuperintend。Itwasalwaysabitterlycoldday，andwealwaysgotintothewrongtrain，andtravelledhalfthedaybeforewegotthere。Weneverhadanydinner。Itneveroccurstoawomanthatanybodycanwanttheirmealswhileawayfromhome。Sheseemstothinkthatnatureisinsuspensefromthetimeyouleavethehousetillthetimeyougetbacktoit。Abunandaglassofmilkwasherideaoflunchforaschool-boy。Halfhertimewastakenupinlosingus，andtheotherhalfinslappinguswhenshehadfoundus。Theonlythingwereallyenjoyedwastherowwiththecabmancominghome。\"
Irosetogo。
\"Thenyouwon’tjointhatsymposium？\"saidB————。\"Itwouldbeaneasyenoughthingtoknockoff——’WhyChristmasshouldbeabolished。’\"
\"Itsoundssimple，\"Ianswered。\"Buthowdoyouproposetoabolishit？\"Theladyeditorofan\"advanced\"Americanmagazineoncesetthediscussion——\"Shouldsexbeabolished？\"andelevenladiesandgentlemenseriouslyarguedthequestion。
\"Leaveittodieofinanition，\"saidB————-；\"thefirststepistoarousepublicopinion。Convincethepublicthatitshouldbeabolished。\"
\"Butwhyshoulditbeabolished？\"Iasked。
\"GreatScott！man，\"heexclaimed；\"don’tyouwantitabolished？\"
\"I’mnotsurethatIdo，\"Ireplied。
\"Notsure，\"heretorted；\"youcallyourselfajournalist，andadmitthereisasubjectunderHeavenofwhichyouarenotsure！\"
\"Ithascomeovermeoflateyears，\"Ireplied。\"Itusednottobemyfailing，asyouknow。\"
Heglancedroundtomakesurewewereoutofearshot，thensunkhisvoicetoawhisper。
\"Betweenourselves，\"hesaid，\"I’mnotsosureofeverythingmyselfasIusedtobe。Whyisit？\"
\"Perhapswearegettingolder，\"Isuggested。
Hesaid——\"Istartedgolflastyear，andthefirsttimeItooktheclubinmyhandIsenttheballafurlong。’Itseemsaneasygame，’
Isaidtothemanwhowasteachingme。’Yes，mostpeoplefinditeasyatthebeginning，’hereplieddryly。Hewasanoldgolferhimself；Ithoughthewasjealous。Istuckwelltothegame，andforaboutthreeweeksIwasimmenselypleasedwithmyself。Then，gradually，Ibegantofindoutthedifficulties。IfeelIshallnevermakeagoodplayer。Haveyouevergonethroughthatexperience？\"
\"Yes，\"Ireplied；\"Isupposethatistheexplanation。Thegameseemssoeasyatthebeginning。\"
Ilefthimtohislunch，andstrolledwestward，musingonthetimewhenIshouldhaveansweredthatquestionofhisaboutChristmas，oranyotherquestion，off-hand。ThatgoodyouthtimewhenIkneweverything，whenlifepresentednoproblems，danglednodoubtsbeforeme！
Inthosedays，wishfultogivetheworldthebenefitofmywisdom，andseekingforacandle-stickwherefrommybrilliancymightbevisibleandhelpfuluntomen，IarrivedbeforeadingyportalinChequersStreet，St。Luke’s，behindwhichaconclaveofyoungmen，togetherwithafewoldenoughtohaveknownbetter，meteveryFridayeveningforthepurposeofdiscussingandarrangingtheaffairsoftheuniverse。\"Speakingmembers\"werechargedten-and-sixpenceperannum，whichmusthaveworkedoutatanextremelymoderaterateperword；and\"gentlemenwhosesubscriptionsweremorethanthreemonthsinarrear，\"became，byRuleseven，powerlessforgoodorevil。Wecalledourselves\"TheStormyPetrels，\"and，underthesympatheticshadowofthosewings，I
labouredtwoseasonstowardsthereformationofthehumanrace；
until，indeed，ourtreasurer，anearnestyoungman，andatirelessfoeofallthatwasconventional，departedfortheEast，leavingbehindhimabalancesheet，showingthattheclubowedforty-twopoundsfifteenandfourpence，andthatthesubscriptionsforthecurrentyear，amountingtoalittleoverthirty-eightpounds，hadbeen\"carriedforward，\"butastowhere，thereportaffordednoindication。Whereuponourlandlord，amanutterlywithoutideals，seizedourfurniture，offeringtosellitbacktousforfifteenpounds。Wepointedouttohimthatthiswasanextravagantprice，andtenderedhimfive。
Thenegotiationsterminatedwithungentlemanlylanguageonhispart，and\"TheStormyPetrels\"scattered，nevertobeforegatheredtogetheragainabovethetroubledwatersofhumanity。Now-a-days，listeningtothefeebleplansofmodernreformers，Icannothelpbutsmile，rememberingwhatwasdoneinChequersStreet，St。Luke’s，inanagewhenMrs。Grundystillgavethelawtoliterature，whileyettheBritishmatronwastheguidetoBritishart。IaminformedthatthereisabroadthequestionofabolishingtheHouseofLords！Why，\"TheStormyPetrels\"abolishedthearistocracyandtheCrowninoneevening，andthenonlyadjournedforthepurposeofappointingacommitteetodrawupandhavereadyaRepublicanConstitutionbythefollowingFridayevening。TheytalkofEmpirelounges！Weclosedthedoorsofeverymusic-hallinLondoneighteenyearsagobytwenty-ninevotestoseventeen。Theyhadapatienthearing，andwereablydefended；butwefoundthatthetendencyofsuchamusementswasanti-progressive，andagainstthebestinterestsofanintellectuallyadvancingdemocracy。Imetthemoverofthecondemnatoryresolutionattheold\"Pav\"thefollowingevening，andwecontinuedthediscussionoverabottleofBass。Hestrengthenedhisargumentbypersuadingmetositoutthewholeofthethreesongssungbythe\"LionComique\"；butIsubsequentlyretortedsuccessfully，bybringingunderhisnoticethedancingofaladyinbluetightsandflaxenhair。IforgethernamebutnevershallI
ceasetorememberherexquisitecharmandbeauty。Ah，me！howcharmingandhowbeautiful\"artistes\"wereinthosegoldendays！
Whencehavetheyvanished？Ladiesinbluetightsandflaxenhairdancebeforemyeyesto-day，butmovemenot，unlessitbetowardsboredom。Wherebethetrippingwitchesoftwentyyearsago，whomtoseeoncewastodreamofforaweek，totouchwhosewhitehandwouldhavebeenjoy，tokisswhoseredlipswouldhavebeentoforetasteHeaven。Iheardonlytheotherdaythatthesonofanoldfriendofminehadsecretlymarriedaladyfromthefrontrowoftheballet，andinvoluntarilyIexclaimed，\"Poordevil！\"Therewasatimewhenmyfirstthoughtwouldhavebeen，\"Luckybeggar！isheworthyofher？\"Forthentheladiesoftheballetwereangels。Howcouldonegazeatthem——fromtheshillingpit——anddoubtit？Theydancedtokeepawidowedmotherincomfort，ortosendayoungerbrothertoschool。Thentheyweregloriouscreaturesayoungmandidwelltoworship；butnow-a-days——
Itisanoldjest。Theeyesofyouthseethroughrose-tintedglasses。Theeyesofagearedimbehindsmoke-cloudedspectacles。
Myflaxenfriend，youarenottheangelIdreamedyou，northeexceptionalsinnersomewouldpaintyou；butunderyourfeathers，justawoman——abundleoffolliesandfailings，tiedupwithsomesweetnessandstrength。YoukeepabroughamIamsureyoucannotaffordonyourthirtyshillingsaweek。ThereareladiesIknow，inMayfair，whohavepaidanextravagantpricefortheirs。Youpaintandyoudye，Iamtold：itisevenhintedyoupad。Don’tweallofusdeckourselvesoutinvirtuesthatarenotourown？Whenthepaintandthepowder，mysister，isstrippedbothfromyouandfromme，weshallknowwhichofusisentitledtolookdownontheotherinscorn。
Forgiveme，gentleReader，fordigressing。Theladyledmeastray。
Iwasspeakingof\"TheStormyPetrels，\"andofthereformstheyaccomplished，whichweremany。Weabolished，Iremember，capitalpunishmentandwar；wewereexcellentyoungmenatheart。Christmaswereformedaltogether，alongwithBankHolidays，byamajorityoftwelve。Ineverrecollectanyproposaltoabolishanythingeverbeinglostwhenputtothevote。Therewerefewthingsthatwe\"StormyPetrels\"didnotabolish。WeattackedChristmasongroundsofexpediency，andkilleditbyridicule。WeexposedthehollowmockeryofChristmassentiment；weabusedtheindigestibleChristmasdinner，thetiresomeChristmasparty，thesillyChristmaspantomime。
Ourfunnymemberwasside-splittingonthesubjectofChristmasWaits；oursocialreformerbitteruponChristmasdrunkenness；oureconomistindignantuponChristmascharities。Onlyoneargumentofanyweightwithuswasadvancedinfavourofthefestival，andthatwasourleadingcynic’ssuggestionthatitwasworthenduringthemiseriesofChristmas，toenjoythesoul-satisfyingcomfortoftheafterreflectionthatitwasallover，andcouldnotoccuragainforanotheryear。
ButsincethosedayswhenIwaspreparedtoputthisoldworldofourstorightsuponallmatters，Ihaveseenmanysightsandheardmanysounds，andIamnotquitesosureasIoncewasthatmyparticularviewsaretheonlypossiblycorrectones。Christmasseemstomesomewhatmeaningless；butIhavelookedthroughwindowsinpoverty-strickenstreets，andhaveseendingyparloursgaywithmanychainsofcolouredpaper。Theystretchedfromcornertocornerofthesmoke-grimedceiling，theyfellinclumsyfestoonsfromthecheapgasalier，theyframedthefly-blownmirrorandthetawdrypictures；andIknowtiredhandsandeyesworkedmanyhourstofashionandfixthosefoolishchains，saying，\"Itwillpleasehim——
shewillliketoseetheroomlookpretty；\"andasIhavelookedatthemtheyhavegrown，insomemysteriousmanner，beautifultome。
Thegaudy-colouredchildanddogirritatesme，Iconfess；butIhavewatchedagrimy，inartisticpersonage，smoothingitaffectionatelywithtoil-stainedhand，whileeagerfacescrowdedroundtoadmireandwonderatitsblatantcrudity。Ithangstothisdayinitscheapframeabovethechimney-piece，theonebrightspotrelievingthosedamp-stainedwalls；dulleyesstareandstareagainatit，catchingavista，throughitsflashytints，ofthefar-offlandofart。ChristmasWaitsannoyme，andIyearntothrowopenthewindowandflingcoalatthem——asoncefromthewindowofahighflatinChelseaIdid。IdoubtedtheirbeinggenuineWaits。Iwasinclinedtotheopiniontheywereyoungmenseekingexcuseformakinganoise。Oneofthemappearedtoknowahymnwithachorus，anotherplayedtheconcertina，whileathirdaccompaniedwithastepdance。
InstinctivelyIfeltnorespectforthem；theydisturbedmeinmywork，andthedesiregrewuponmetoinjurethem。ItoccurredtomeitwouldbegoodsportifIturnedoutthelight，softlyopenedthewindow，andthrewcoalatthem。Itwouldbeimpossibleforthemtotellfromwhichwindowintheblockthecoalcame，andthussubsequentunpleasantnesswouldbeavoided。Theywereacompactlittlegroup，andwithaverageluckIwasboundtohitoneofthem。
Iadoptedtheplan。Icouldnotseethemveryclearly。Iaimedratheratthenoise；andIhadthrownabouttwentychoicelumpswithouteffect，andwasfeelingsomewhatdiscouraged，whenayell，followedbylanguagesingularlyunappropriatetotheseason，toldmethatProvidencehadaidedmyarm。Themusicceasedsuddenly，andthepartydispersed，apparentlyinhighglee——whichstruckmeascurious。
OnemanInoticedremainedbehind。Hestoodunderthelamp-post，andshookhisfistattheblockgenerally。
\"Whothrewthatlumpofcoal？\"hedemandedinstentoriantones。
Tomyhorror，itwasthevoiceofthemanatEighty-eight，anIrishgentleman，ajournalistlikemyself。Isawitall，astheunfortunateheroalwaysexclaims，toolate，intheplay。He——numberEighty-eight——alsodisturbedbythenoise，hadevidentlygoneouttoexpostulatewiththerioters。Ofcoursemylumpofcoalhadhithim——himtheinnocent，thepeaceful（uptillthen），thevirtuous。
ThatisthejusticeFatedealsouttousmortalsherebelow。Thereweretentofourteenyoungmeninthatcrowd，eachoneofwhomfullydeservedthatlumpofcoal；he，theoneguiltless，gotit——
seemingly，sofarasthedimlightfromthegaslampenabledmetojudge，fullintheeye。
Astheblockremainedsilentinanswertohisdemand，hecrossedtheroadandmountedthestairs。Oneachlandinghestoppedandshouted——
\"Whothrewthatlumpofcoal？Iwantthemanwhothrewthatlumpofcoal。Outyoucome。\"
NowagoodmaninmyplacewouldhavewaitedtillnumberEighty-eightarrivedonhislanding，andthen，throwingopenthedoorwouldhavesaidwithmanlycandour——
\"_I_threwthatlumpofcoal。Iwas-，\"Hewouldnothavegotfurther，becauseatthatpoint，Ifeelconfident，numberEighty——
eightwouldhavepunchedhishead。Therewouldhavebeenanunseemlyfracasonthestaircase，totheannoyanceofalltheothertenantsandlater，therewouldhaveissuedasummonsandacross-summons。Angrypassionswouldhavebeenroused，bitterfeelingengenderedwhichmighthavelastedforyears。
Idonotpretendtobeagoodman。IdoubtifthepretencewouldbeofanyusewereItotry：Iamnotasufficientlygoodactor。I
saidtomyself，asItookoffmybootsinthestudy，preparatorytoretiringtomybedroom——\"NumberEighty-eightisevidentlynotinaframeofmindtolistentomystory。Itwillbebettertolethimshouthimselfcool；afterwhichhewillreturntohisownflat，bathehiseye，andobtainsomerefreshingsleep。Inthemorning，whenweshallprobablymeetasusualonourwaytoFleetStreet，I
willrefertotheincidentcasually，andsympathizewithhim。I
willsuggesttohimthetruth——thatinallprobabilitysomefellow-tenant，irritatedalsobythenoise，hadaimedcoalattheWaits，hittinghiminsteadbyaregrettablebutpureaccident。WithtactImayevenbeabletomakehimseethehumouroftheincident。
Lateron，inMarchorApril，choosingmymomentwithjudgment，I
will，perhaps，confessthatIwasthatfellow-tenant，andoverafriendlybrandy-and-sodawewilllaughthewholetroubleaway。\"
Asamatteroffact，thatiswhathappened。SaidnumberEighty-eight——hewasabigman，asgoodafellowatheartaseverlived，butimpulsive——\"Damnedluckyforyou，oldman，youdidnottellmeatthetime。\"
\"Ifelt，\"Ireplied，\"instinctivelythatitwasacasefordelay。\"
Therearetimeswhenoneshouldcontrolone’spassionforcandour；
andasIwassaying，Christmaswaitsexcitenoemotioninmybreastsavethatofirritation。ButIhaveknown\"Hark，theheraldangelssing，\"wheezilychantedbyfog-filledthroats，andaccompanied，hopelesslyoutoftune，byacornetandaflute，bringagreatlookofgladnesstoawork-wornface。Toheritwasamessageofhopeandlove，makingthehardlifetastesweet。Themerethoughtoffamilygatherings，socustomaryatChristmastime，boresussuperiorpeople；butIthinkofanincidenttoldmebyacertainman，afriendofmine。OneChristmas，myfriend，visitinginthecountry，camefacetofacewithawomanwhomintownhehadoftenmetamidverydifferentsurroundings。Thedoorofthelittlefarmhousewasopen；sheandanolderwomanwereironingatatable，andashersoftwhitehandspassedtoandfro，foldingandsmoothingtherumpledheap，shelaughedandtalked，concerningsimplehomelythings。Myfriend’sshadowfellacrossherwork，andshelookingup，theireyesmet；butherfacesaidplainly，\"Idonotknowyouhere，andhereyoudonotknowme。HereIamawomanlovedandrespected。\"Myfriendpassedinandspoketotheolderwoman，thewifeofoneofhishost’stenants，andsheturnedtowards，andintroducedtheyounger——\"Mydaughter，sir。Wedonotseeherveryoften。SheisinaplaceinLondon，andcannotgetaway。ButshealwaysspendsafewdayswithusatChristmas。\"
\"Itistheseasonforfamilyre-unions，\"answeredmyfriendwithjustthesuggestionofasneer，forwhichhehatedhimself。
\"Yes，sir，\"saidthewoman，notnoticing；\"shehasnevermissedherChristmaswithus，haveyou，Bess？\"
\"No，mother，\"repliedthegirlsimply，andbentherheadagainoverherwork。
Soforthesefewdayseveryyearthiswomanleftherfursandjewels，herfineclothesanddaintyfoods，behindher，andlivedforalittlespacewithwhatwascleanandwholesome。Itwastheoneanchorholdinghertowomanhood；andonelikestothinkthatitwas，perhaps，intheendstrongenoughtosaveherfromthedriftingwaters。AllwhichargumentsinfavourofChristmasandofChristmascustomsare，Iadmit，purelysentimentalones，butIhavelivedlongenoughtodoubtwhethersentimenthasnotitslegitimateplaceintheeconomyoflife。
ONTHETIMEWASTEDINLOOKINGBEFOREONELEAPS
Haveyouevernoticedthegoingoutofawoman？
Whenamangoesout，hesays——\"I’mgoingout，shan’tbelong。\"
\"Oh，George，\"crieshiswifefromtheotherendofthehouse，\"don’tgoforamoment。Iwantyouto——\"Shehearsafallingofhats，followedbytheslammingofthefrontdoor。
\"Oh，George，you’renotgone！\"shewails。Itisbutthevoiceofdespair。Asamatteroffact，sheknowsheisgone。Shereachesthehall，breathless。
\"Hemighthavewaitedaminute，\"shemutterstoherself，asshepicksupthehats，\"thereweresomanythingsIwantedhimtodo。\"
Shedoesnotopenthedoorandattempttostophim，sheknowsheisalreadyhalf-waydownthestreet。Itisamean，paltrywayofgoingout，shethinks；solikeaman。
Whenawoman，ontheotherhand，goesout，peopleknowaboutit。
Shedoesnotsneakout。Shesayssheisgoingout。Shesaysit，generally，ontheafternoonofthedaybefore；andsherepeatsit，atintervals，untiltea-time。Attea，shesuddenlydecidesthatshewon’t，thatshewillleaveittillthedayafterto-morrowinstead。
Anhourlatershethinksshewillgoto-morrow，afterall，andmakesarrangementstowashherhairovernight。Forthenexthourorsoshealternatesbetweenfitsofexaltation，duringwhichshelooksforwardtogoingout，andmomentsofdespondency，whenasenseofforebodingfallsuponher。Atdinnershepersuadessomeotherwomantogowithher；theotherwoman，oncepersuaded，isenthusiasticaboutgoing，untilsherecollectsthatshecannot。Thefirstwoman，however，convincesherthatshecan。
\"Yes，\"repliesthesecondwoman，\"butthen，howaboutyou，dear？
YouareforgettingtheJoneses。\"
\"SoIwas，\"answersthefirstwoman，completelynon-plussed。\"Howveryawkward，andIcan’tgoonWednesday。IshallhavetoleaveittillThursday，now。\"
\"But_I_can’tgoThursday，\"saysthesecondwoman。
\"Well，yougowithoutme，dear，\"saysthefirstwoman，inthetoneofonewhoissacrificingalife’sambition。
\"Ohno，dear，Ishouldnotthinkofit，\"noblyexclaimsthesecondwoman。\"Wewillwaitandgotogether，Friday！\"
\"I’lltellyouwhatwe’lldo，\"saysthefirstwoman。\"Wewillstartearly\"（thisisaninspiration），\"andbebackbeforetheJonesesarrive。\"
Theyagreetosleeptogether；thereisalurkingsuspicioninboththeirmindsthatthismaybetheirlastsleeponearth。Theyretireearlywithacanofhotwater。Atintervals，duringthenight，oneoverhearsthemsplashingwater，andtalking。
Theycomedownverylateforbreakfast，andbothverycross。Eachseemstohavearguedherselfintothebeliefthatshehasbeenluredintothispieceofnonsense，againstherbetterjudgment，bythepersistentfollyoftheotherone。Duringthemealeachoneaskstheother，everyfiveminutes，ifsheisquiteready。Eachone，itappears，hasonlyherhattoputon。Theytalkabouttheweather，andwonderwhatitisgoingtodo。Theywishitwouldmakeupitsmind，onewayortheother。Theyareverybitteronweatherthatcannotmakeupitsmind。Afterbreakfastitstilllookscloudy，andtheydecidetoabandontheschemealtogether。Thefirstwomanthenremembersthatitisabsolutelynecessaryforher，atallevents，togo。
\"Butthereisnoneedforyoutocome，dear，\"shesays。
Uptothatpointthesecondwomanwasevidentlynotsurewhethershewishedtogoorwhethershedidn’t。Nowsheknows。
\"Ohyes，I’llcome，\"shesays，\"thenitwillbeover！\"
\"Iamsureyoudon’twanttogo，\"urgesthefirstwoman，\"andI
shallbequickerbymyself。Iamreadytostartnow。\"
Thesecondwomanbridles。
\"_I_shan’tbeacoupleofminutes，\"sheretorts。\"Youknow，dear，it’sgenerallyIwhohavetowaitforyou。\"
\"Butyou’venotgotyourbootson，\"thefirstwomanremindsher。
\"Well，theywon’ttakeANYtime，\"istheanswer。\"Butofcourse，dear，ifyou’dreallyratherIdidnotcome，sayso。\"Bythistimesheisonthevergeoftears。
\"Ofcourse，Iwouldlikeyoutocome，dear，\"explainsthefirstinaresignedtone。\"Ithoughtperhapsyouwereonlycomingtopleaseme。\"
\"Ohno，I’dLIKEtocome，\"saysthesecondwoman。
\"Well，wemusthurryup，\"saysthefirst；\"Ishan’tbemorethanaminutemyself，I’vemerelygottochangemyskirt。\"
Half-an-hourlateryouhearthemcallingtoeachother，fromdifferentpartsofthehouse，toknowiftheotheroneisready。Itappearstheyhavebothbeenreadyforquitealongwhile，waitingonlyfortheotherone。
\"I’mafraid，\"callsouttheonewhoseturnitistobedown-stairs，\"it’sgoingtorain。\"
\"Oh，don’tsaythat，\"callsbacktheotherone。
\"Well，itlooksverylikeit。\"
\"Whatanuisance，\"answerstheup-stairswoman；\"shallweputitoff？\"
\"Well，whatdoYOUthink，dear？\"repliesthedown-stairs。
Theydecidetheywillgo，onlynowtheywillhavetochangetheirboots，andputondifferenthats。
Forthenexttenminutestheyarestillshoutingandrunningabout。
Thenitseemsasiftheyreallywereready，nothingremainingbutforthemtosay\"Good-bye，\"andgo。
Theybeginbykissingthechildren。Awomanneverleavesherhousewithoutsecretmisgivingsthatshewillneverreturntoitalive。
Onechildcannotbefound。Whenitisfounditwishesithadn’tbeen。Ithastobewashed，preparatorytobeingkissed。Afterthat，thedoghastobefoundandkissed，andfinalinstructionsgiventothecook。
Thentheyopenthefrontdoor。
\"Oh，George，\"callsoutthefirstwoman，turningroundagain。\"Areyouthere？\"
\"Hullo，\"answersavoicefromthedistance。\"Doyouwantme？\"
\"No，dear，onlytosaygood-bye。I’mgoing。\"
\"Oh，good-bye。\"
\"Good-bye，dear。Doyouthinkit’sgoingtorain？\"
\"Ohno，Ishouldnotsayso。\"
\"George。\"
\"Yes。\"
\"Haveyougotanymoney？\"
Fiveminuteslatertheycomerunningback；theonehasforgottenherparasol，theotherherpurse。
Andspeakingofpurses，remindsoneofanotheressentialdifferencebetweenthemaleandfemalehumananimal。Amancarrieshismoneyinhispocket。Whenhewantstouseit，hetakesitoutandlaysitdown。Thisisacrudewayofdoingthings，awomandisplaysmoresubtlety。Saysheisstandinginthestreet，andwantsfourpencetopayforabunchofvioletsshehaspurchasedfromaflower-girl。
Shehastwoparcelsinonehand，andaparasolintheother。Withtheremainingtwofingersofthelefthandshesecurestheviolets。
Thequestionthenarises，howtopaythegirl？Shefluttersforafewminutes，evidentlynotquiteunderstandingwhyitisshecannotdoit。Thereasonthenoccurstoher：shehasonlytwohandsandboththeseareoccupied。Firstshethinksshewillputtheparcelsandtheflowersintoherrighthand，thenshethinksshewillputtheparasolintoherleft。Thenshelooksroundforatableorevenachair，butthereisnotsuchathinginthewholestreet。Herdifficultyissolvedbyherdroppingtheparcelsandtheflowers。
Thegirlpicksthemupforherandholdsthem。Thisenableshertofeelforherpocketwithherrighthand，whilewavingheropenparasolaboutwithherleft。Sheknocksanoldgentleman’shatoffintothegutter，andnearlyblindstheflower-girlbeforeitoccurstohertocloseit。Thisdone，sheleansitupagainsttheflower-girl’sbasket，andsetstoworkinearnestwithbothhands。
Sheseizesherselffirmlybytheback，andturnstheupperpartofherbodyroundtillherhairisinfrontandhereyesbehind。Stillholdingherselffirmlywithherlefthand——didsheletherselfgo，goodnessknowswhereshewouldspinto；——withherrightsheprospectsherself。Thepurseisthere，shecanfeelit，theproblemishowtogetatit。Thequickestwaywould，ofcourse，betotakeofftheskirt，sitdownonthekerb，turnitinsideout，andworkfromthebottomofthepocketupwards。Butthissimpleideaneverseemstooccurtoher。Therearesomethirtyfoldsatthebackofthedress，betweentwoofthesefoldscommencesthesecretpassage。
Atlast，purelybychance，shesuddenlydiscoversit，nearlyupsettingherselfintheprocess，andthepurseisbroughtuptothesurface。Thedifficultyofopeningitstillremains。Sheknowsitopenswithaspring，butthesecretofthatspringshehasnevermastered，andsheneverwill。Herplanistoworryitgenerallyuntilitdoesopen。Fiveminuteswillalwaysdoit，providedsheisnotflustered。
Atlastitdoesopen。Itwouldbeincorrecttosaythatsheopensit。Itopensbecauseitissickofbeingmauledabout；and，aslikelyasnot，itopensatthemomentwhensheisholdingitupsidedown。Ifyouhappentobenearenoughtolookoverhershoulder，youwillnoticethatthegoldandsilverliesloosewithinit。Inaninnersanctuary，carefullysecuredwithasecondsecretspring，shekeepshercoppers，togetherwithapostage-stampandadraper’sreceipt，ninemonthsold，forelevenpencethree-farthings。
IremembertheindignationofanoldBus-conductor，once。Insidewewereninewomenandtwomen。Isatnextthedoor，andhisremarksthereforeheaddressedtome。Itwascertainlytakinghimsometimetocollectthefares，butIthinkhewouldhavegotonbetterhadhebeenlessbustling；heworriedthem，andmadethemnervous。
\"Lookatthat，\"hesaid，drawingmyattentiontoapoorladyopposite，whowasdivinginthecustomarymannerforherpurse，\"theysitontheirmoney，womendo。Blestifyouwouldn’tthinktheywastryingto’atchit。\"
Atlengththeladydrewfromunderneathherselfanexceedinglyfatpurse。
\"Fancyridinginabumpbybus，percheduponthatthing，\"hecontinued。\"Thinkwhatastaminatheymusthave。\"Hegrewconfidential。\"I’veseenonewoman，\"hesaid，\"pulloutfromunderneath’erastreetdoorkey，atinboxoflozengers，apencil-case，awhoppingbigpurse，apacketofhair-pins，andasmelling-bottle。Why，youormewouldbewretched，sittingonaplaindoor-knob，andthemwomengoesaboutlikethatallday。I
supposetheygetsusedtoit。Drop’emonaneider-downpillow，andthey’dscream。Thetimeittakesmetogettuppenceoutofthem，why，it’s’eart-breaking。Firsttheytriesoneside，thentheytriestheother。Thentheygetsupandshakestheirselvestillthebusjerksthembackagain，andtheretheyare，amore’opeless’eapthanever。IfI’admywayI’dmakeeverybuscarryafemalesearcherascouldover’aul’emoneatatime，andtakethemoneyfrom’em。Talkaboutthepoorpickpocket。WhatIsayis，thatamanasfindshiswayintoawoman’spocket——well，hedeserveswhathegets。\"
Butitwasthethoughtofmoreseriousmattersthatluredmeintoreflectionsconcerningtheover-carefulnessofwomen。Itisatheoryofmine——wrongpossibly；indeedIhavesobeeninformed——thatwepickourwaythroughlifewithtoomuchcare。Weareforeverlookingdownupontheground。Maybe，wedoavoidastumbleortwooverastoneorabrier，butalsowemisstheblueofthesky，thegloryofthehills。Thesebooksthatgoodmenwrite，tellingusthatwhattheycall\"success\"inlifedependsonourflingingasideouryouthandwastingourmanhoodinorderthatwemayhavethemeanswhenweareeightyofspendingarollickingoldage，annoyme。
WesaveallourlivestoinvestinaSouthSeaBubble；andinskimpingandscheming，wehavegrownmean，andnarrow，andhard。Wewillputoffthegatheringoftherosestilltomorrow，to-dayitshallbeallwork，allbargain-driving，allplotting。Lo，whento-
morrowcomes，therosesareblown；nordowecareforroses，idlethingsofsmallmarketablevalue；cabbagesaremoretoourfancybythetimeto-morrowcomes。
Lifeisathingtobelived，notspent，tobefaced，notordered。
