\"Oh，didyou？Youthoughtthatagoodidea。AnA1prizeidiotI
seemtohavemarried，Ido。You’vebeengonetwentyminutes，andyoubringmebackaneight-corneredpieceofbrokenglass，whichyouthinkwemight’workinto’thenest。You’dliketoseemesittingonitforamonth，youwould。Youthinkitwouldmakeanicebedforthechildrentolieon。Youdon’tthinkyoucouldmanagetofindapacketofmixedpinsifyouwentdownagain，Isuppose。
They’dlookpretty’workedin’somewhere，don’tyouthink？——Here，getoutofmyway。I’llfinishthisnestbymyself。\"Shealwayshadbeenshortwithhim。
Shecaughtuptheoffendingobject——itwasafairlyheavylumpofglass——andflungitoutofthetreewithallherforce。Ihearditcrashthroughthecucumberframe。Thatmakestheseventhpaneofglassbrokeninthatcucumberframethisweek。Thecoupleinthebranchabovearetheworst。Theirplanofbuildingisthemostextravagant，themostabsurdIeverheardof。Theyhoistuptentimesasmuchmaterialastheycanpossiblyuse；youmightthinktheyweregoingtobuildablock，andletitoutinflatstotheotherrooks。Thenwhattheydon’twanttheyflingdownagain。
Supposewebuiltonsuchaprinciple？SupposeahumanhusbandandwifeweretostarterectingtheirhouseinPiccadillyCircus，letussay；andsupposethemanspentallthedaysteadilycarryingbricksuptheladderwhilehiswifelaidthem，neveraskingherhowmanyshewanted，whethershedidn’tthinkhehadbroughtupsufficient，butjustaccumulatingbricksinasenselessfashion，bringingupeverybrickhecouldfind。Andthensuppose，wheneveningcame，andlookinground，theyfoundtheyhadsometwentycart-loadsofbrickslyingunuseduponthescaffold，theyweretocommenceflingingthemdownintoWaterlooPlace。Theywouldgetthemselvesintotrouble；
somebodywouldbesuretospeaktothemaboutit。Yetthatispreciselywhatthosebirdsdo，andnobodysaysawordtothem。TheyaresupposedtohaveaPresident。Helivesbyhimselfintheyewtreeoutsidethemorning-roomwindow。WhatIwanttoknowiswhatheissupposedtobegoodfor。ThisisthesortofthingIwanthimtolookinto。Iwouldlikehimtobewormingunderneathoneeveningwhenthosetwobirdsaretidyingup：perhapshewoulddosomethingthen。IhavedoneallIcan。Ihavethrownstonesatthem，that，inthecourseofnature，havereturnedtoearthagain，breakingmoreglass。Ihaveblazedatthemwitharevolver；buttheyhavecometoregardthisproceedingasamereexpressionoflight-heartednessonmypart，possiblyconfusingmewiththeAraboftheDesert，who，I
amgiventounderstand，expresseshimselfthusinmomentsofdeepemotion。Theymerelyretiretoasafedistancetowatchme；nodoubtregardingmeasapoorperformer，inasmuchasIdonotalsodanceandshoutbetweeneachshot。Ihavenoobjectiontotheirbuildingthere，iftheyonlywouldbuildsensibly。Iwantsomebodytospeaktothemtowhomtheywillpayattention。
Youcanhearthemintheevening，discussingthematterofthissurplusstock。
\"Don’tyouworkanymore，\"hesays，ashecomesupwiththelastload，\"you’lltireyourself。\"
\"Well，Iamfeelingabitdoneup，\"sheanswers，asshehopsoutofthenestandstraightensherback。
\"You’reabitpeckish，too，Iexpect，\"headdssympathetically。\"I
knowIam。Wewillhaveascratchdown，andbeoff。\"
\"Whataboutallthisstuff？\"sheasks，whiletitivatingherself；
\"we’dbetternotleaveitabout，itlookssountidy。\"
\"Oh，we’llsoongetridofthat，\"heanswers。\"I’llhavethatdowninajiffy。\"
Tohelphim，sheseizesastickandisabouttodropit。Hedartsforwardandsnatchesitfromher。
\"Don’tyouwastethatone，\"hecries，\"that’sarareone，thatis。
Youseemehittheoldmanwithit。\"
Andhedoes。Whatthegardenersays，Iwillleaveyoutoimagine。
Judgedfromitsstructure，therookfamilyissupposedtocomenextinintelligencetomanhimself。JudgingfromtheintelligencedisplayedbymembersofcertainhumanfamilieswithwhomIhavecomeincontact，Icanquitebelieveit。ThatrookstalkIampositive。
Noonecanspendhalf-an-hourwatchingarookerywithoutbeingconvincedofthis。Whetherthetalkbealwayswiseandwitty，Iamnotpreparedtomaintain；butthatthereisagooddealofitiscertain。AyoungFrenchgentlemanofmyacquaintance，whovisitedEnglandtostudythelanguage，toldmethattheimpressionmadeuponhimbyhisfirstsocialeveninginLondonwasthatofaparrot-house。Lateron，whenhecametocomprehend，he，ofcourse，recognizedthebrilliancyanddepthoftheaverageLondondrawing-roomtalk；butthatishow，notcomprehending，itimpressedhimatfirst。Listeningtotheriotofarookeryismuchthesameexperience。Theconversationtoussoundsmeaningless；therooksthemselveswouldprobablydescribeitassparkling。
ThereisaMisanthropeIknowwhohardlyevergoesintoSociety。I
arguedthequestionwithhimoneday。\"WhyshouldI？\"hereplied；
\"Iknow，say，adozenmenandwomenwithwhomintercourseisapleasure；theyhaveideasoftheirownwhichtheyarenotafraidtovoice。Torubbrainswithsuchisarareandgoodlything，andI
thankHeavenfortheirfriendship；buttheyaresufficientformyleisure。WhatmoredoIrequire？Whatisthis’Society’ofwhichyouallmakesomuchado？Ihavesampledit，andIfinditunsatisfying。Analyzeitintoitselements，whatisit？SomepersonIknowveryslightly，whoknowsmeveryslightly，asksmetowhatyoucallan’AtHome。’Theeveningcomes，Ihavedonemyday’sworkandIhavedined。Ihavebeentoatheatreorconcert，orI
havespentapleasanthourorsowithafriend。Iammoreinclinedforbedthananythingelse，butIpullmyselftogether，dress，anddrivetothehouse。WhileIamtakingoffmyhatandcoatinthehall，amanentersImetafewhoursagoattheClub。HeisamanI
haveverylittleopinionof，andhe，probably，takesasimilarviewofme。Ourmindshavenothoughtincommon，butasitisnecessarytotalk，Itellhimitisawarmevening。Perhapsitisawarmevening，perhapsitisn’t；ineithercaseheagreeswithme。IaskhimifheisgoingtoAscot。IdonotcareastrawwhetherheisgoingtoAscotornot。Hesaysheisnotquitesure，butasksmewhatchancePassionFlowerhasfortheThousandGuineas。Iknowhedoesn’tvaluemyopiniononthesubjectatabrassfarthing——hewouldbeafoolifhedid，butIcudgelmybrainstoreplytohim，asthoughheweregoingtostakehisshirtonmyadvice。Wereachthefirstfloor，andaremutuallygladtogetridofoneanother。I
catchmyhostess’eye。Shelookstiredandworried；shewouldbehappierinbed，onlyshedoesn’tknowit。Shesmilessweetly，butitisclearshehasnottheslightestideawhoIam，andiswaitingtocatchmynamefromthebutler。Iwhisperittohim。Perhapshewillgetitright，perhapshewon’t；itisquiteimmaterial。Theyhaveaskedtwohundredandfortyguests，someseventy-fiveofwhomtheyknowbysight，fortherest，anychancepasser-by，able，asthetheatricaladvertisementssay，’todressandbehaveasagentleman，’
woulddoeverybitaswell。Indeed，Isometimeswonderwhypeoplegotothetroubleandexpenseofinvitationcardsatall。A
sandwich-manoutsidethedoorwouldanswerthepurpose。’LadyTompkins，AtHome，thisafternoonfromthreetoseven；TeaandMusic。LadiesandGentlemenadmittedonpresentationofvisitingcard。Afternoondressindispensable。’Thecrowdisthethingwanted；asfortheitems，well，tellme，whatisthedifference，fromtheSocietypointofview，betweenonemaninablackfrock-coatandanother？
\"IrememberbeingonceinvitedtoapartyatahouseinLancasterGate。Ihadmetthewomanatapicnic。InthesamegreenfrockandparasolImighthaverecognizedherthenexttimeIsawher。InanyotherclothesIdidnotexpectto。Mycabmantookmetothehouseopposite，wheretheywerealsogivingaparty。Itmadenodifferencetoanyofus。Thehostess——Ineverlearnthername——saiditwasverygoodofmetocome，andthenshuntedmeoffontoaColonialPremier（Ididnotcatchhisname，andhedidnotcatchmine，whichwasnotextraordinary，seeingthatmyhostessdidnotknowit）who，shewhisperedtome，hadcomeover，fromwhereveritwas（shedidnotseemtobeverysure）principallytomakemyacquaintance。Halfthroughtheevening，andbyaccident，I
discoveredmymistake，butjudgedittoolatetosayanythingthen。
ImetacoupleofpeopleIknew，hadalittlesupperwiththem，andcameaway。ThenextafternoonImetmyrighthostess——theladywhoshouldhavebeenmyhostess。Shethankedmeeffusivelyforhavingsacrificedthepreviouseveningtoherandherfriends；shesaidsheknewhowseldomIwentout：thatmadeherfeelmykindnessallthemore。ShetoldmethattheBrazilianMinister’swifehadtoldherthatIwasthecleverestmanshehadevermet。IoftenthinkI
shouldliketomeetthatman，whoeverhemaybe，andthankhim。
\"Butperhapsthebutlerdoespronouncemynamerightly，andperhapsmyhostessactuallydoesrecognizeme。Shesmiles，andsaysshewassoafraidIwasnotcoming。Sheimpliesthatalltheotherguestsarebutasafeatherinherscalesofjoycomparedwithmyself。I
smileinreturn，wonderingtomyselfhowIlookwhenIdosmile。I
haveneverhadthecouragetofacemyownsmileinthelooking-glass。InoticetheSocietysmileofothermen，anditisnotreassuring。Imurmursomethingaboutmynothavingbeenlikelytoforgetthisevening；inmyturn，seekingtoimplythatIhavebeenlookingforwardtoitforweeks。Afewmenshineatthissortofthing，buttheyareasmallpercentage，andwithoutconceitI
regardmyselfasnobiggerafoolthantheaveragemale。Notknowingwhatelsetosay，Itellheralsothatitisawarmevening。
Shesmilesarchlyasthoughthereweresomehiddenwitticismintheremark，andIdriftaway，feelingashamedofmyself。TotalkasanidiotwhenyouAREanidiotbringsnodiscomfort；tobehaveasanidiotwhenyouhavesufficientsensetoknowit，ispainful。Ihidemyselfinthecrowd，andperhapsI’llmeetawomanIwasintroducedtothreeweeksagoatapicturegallery。Wedon’tknoweachother’snames，but，bothofusfeelinglonesome，weconverse，asitiscalled。Ifshebetheordinarytypeofwoman，sheasksmeifIamgoingontotheJohnsons’。Itellherno。Westandsilentforamoment，boththinkingwhatnexttosay。SheasksmeifIwasattheThompsons’thedaybeforeyesterday。Iagaintellherno。IbegintofeeldissatisfiedwithmyselfthatIwasnotattheThompsons’。
Tryingtogetevenwithher，IaskherifsheisgoingtotheBrowns’nextMonday。（TherearenoBrowns，shewillhavetosay，No。）Sheisnot，andhertonesuggeststhatasocialstigmarestsupontheBrowns。IaskherifshehasbeentoBarnum’sCircus；shehasn’t，butisgoing。IgivehermyimpressionsofBarnum’sCircus，whicharepreciselytheimpressionsofeverybodyelsewhohasseentheshow。
\"Orifluckbeagainstme，sheispossiblyasmartwoman，thatistosay，herconversationisarunningfireofspitefulremarksattheexpenseofeveryonesheknows，andofsneersattheexpenseofeveryoneshedoesn’t。IalwaysfeelIcouldmakeabetterwomanmyself，outofabottleofvinegarandapenn’orthofmixedpins。
Yetitusuallytakesoneabouttenminutestogetawayfromher。
\"Evenwhen，bychance，onemeetsaflesh-and-bloodmanorwomanatsuchgatherings，itisnotthetimeorplaceforrealconversation；
andasfortheshadows，whatpersonintheirsenseswouldexhaustasinglebraincelluponsuch？IrememberadiscussiononceconcerningTennyson，consideredasasocialitem。Thedullestandmostdensely-stupidboreIevercameacrosswastellinghowhehadsatnexttoTennysonatdinner。’Ifoundhimamostuninterestingman，’soheconfidedtous；’hehadnothingtosayforhimself——
absolutelynothing。’IshouldliketoresuscitateDr。SamuelJohnsonforanevening，andthrowhimintooneofthese’AtHomes’
ofyours。\"
Myfriendisanadmittedmisanthrope，asIhaveexplained；butonecannotdismisshimasaltogetherunjust。ThatthereisacertainmysteryaboutSociety’scravingforSocietymustbeadmitted。I
stoodoneeveningtryingtoforcemywayintothesupperroomofahouseinBerkeleySquare。Alady，hotandweary，afewyardsinfrontofmewasstrugglingtothesamegoal。
\"Why，\"remarkedshetohercompanion，\"whydowecometotheseplaces，andfightlikeaBankHolidaycrowdforeighteenpenny-worthoffood？\"
\"Wecomehere，\"repliedtheman，whomIjudgedtobeaphilosopher，\"tosaywe’vebeenhere。\"
ImetA————-theotherevening，andaskedhimtodinewithmeonMonday。Idon’tknowwhyIaskA————-todinewithme，butaboutonceamonthIdo。Heisanuninterestingman。
\"Ican’t，\"hesaid，\"I’vegottogototheB————-s’；confoundednuisance，itwillbeinfernallydull。\"
\"Whygo？\"Iasked。
\"Ireallydon’tknow，\"hereplied。
AlittlelaterB————-metme，andaskedmetodinewithhimonMonday。
\"Ican’t，\"Ianswered，\"somefriendsarecomingtousthatevening。
It’sadutydinner，youknowthesortofthing。\"
\"Iwishyoucouldhavemanagedit，\"hesaid，\"Ishallhavenoonetotalkto。TheA————-sarecoming，andtheyboremetodeath。\"
\"Whydoyouaskhim？\"Isuggested。
\"Uponmyword，Ireallydon’tknow，\"hereplied。
Buttoreturntoourrooks。Wewerespeakingoftheirsocialinstincts。Somedozenofthem——the\"scallywags\"andbachelorsofthecommunity，Ijudgethemtobe——havestartedaClub。ForamonthpastIhavebeentryingtounderstandwhattheaffairwas。NowI
know：itisaClub。
AndfortheirClubHousetheyhavechosen，ofcourse，thetreenearestmybedroomwindow。Icanguesshowthatcameabout；itwasmyownfault，Ineverthoughtofit。Abouttwomonthsago，asinglerook——sufferingfromindigestionoranunhappymarriage，Iknownot——
chosethistreeonenightforpurposesofreflection。Hewokemeup：Ifeltangry。Iopenedthewindow，andthrewanemptysoda-waterbottleathim。Ofcourseitdidnothithim，andfindingnothingelsetothrow，Ishoutedathim，thinkingtofrightenhimaway。Hetooknonotice，butwentontalkingtohimself。Ishoutedlouder，andwokeupmyowndog。Thedogbarkedfuriously，andwokeupmostthingswithinaquarterofamile。Ihadtogodownwithaboot-jack——theonlythingIcouldfindhandy——tosoothethedog。
TwohourslaterIfellasleepfromexhaustion。Ilefttherookstillcawing。
Thenextnighthecameagain。Ishouldsayhewasabirdwithasenseofhumour。Thinkingthismighthappen，Ihad，however，takentheprecautiontohaveafewstonesready。Iopenedthewindowwide，andfiredthemoneafteranotherintothetree。AfterIhadclosedthewindow，hehoppeddownnearer，andcawedlouderthanever。Ithinkhewantedmetothrowmorestonesathim：heappearedtoregardthewholeproceedingasagame。Onthethirdnight，asIheardnothingofhim，Iflatteredmyselfthat，inspiteofhisbravado，Ihaddiscouragedhim。Imighthaveknownrooksbetter。
WhathappenedwhentheClubwasbeingformed，Itakeit，wasthis：
\"WhereshallwefixuponforourClubHouse？\"saidthesecretary，allotherpointshavingbeendisposedof。Onesuggestedthistree，anothersuggestedthat。Thenupspokethisparticularrook：
\"I’lltellyouwhere，\"saidhe，\"intheyewtreeoppositetheporch。
AndI’lltellyouforwhy。Justaboutanhourbeforedawnamancomestothewindowovertheporch，dressedinthemostcomicalcostumeyoueverseteyesupon。I’lltellyouwhatheremindsmeof——thoselittlestatuesthatmenusefordecoratingfields。Heopensthewindow，andthrowsalotofthingsoutuponthelawn，andthenhedancesandsings。It’sawfullyinteresting，andyoucanseeitallfromtheyewtree。\"
That，Iamconvinced，ishowtheClubcametofixuponthetreenextmywindow。Ihavehadthesatisfactionofdenyingthemtheexhibitiontheyanticipated，andIcheermyselfwiththehopethattheyhavevisitedtheirdisappointmentupontheirmisleader。
ThereisadifferencebetweenRookClubsandours。Inourclubstherespectablemembersarriveearly，andleaveatareasonablehour；inRookClubs，itwouldappear，thisprincipleisreversed。TheMadHatterwouldhavelikedthisClub——itwouldhavebeenaclubafterhisownheart。Itopensathalf-pasttwointhemorning，andthefirsttoarrivearethemostdisreputablemembers。InRook-landtherowdy-dowdy，randy-dandy，rollicky-rankyboysgetupveryearlyinthemorningandgotobedintheafternoon。Towardsdawn，theolder，moreorderlymembersdropinforreasonabletalk，andtheClubbecomesmorerespectable。Thetreeclosesaboutsix。Forthefirsttwohours，however，thegoings-onaredisgraceful。Theproceedings，asoftenasnot，openwithafight。Ifnotwogentlemencanbefoundtoobligewithafight，thenextnoisiestthingtofallbackuponisheldtobeasong。Itisnosatisfactiontometobetoldthatrookscannotsing。_I_knowthat，withoutthetroubleofreferringtothenaturalhistorybook。Itistherookwhodoesnotknowit；HEthinkshecan；andasamatteroffact，hedoes。Youcancriticizehissinging，youcancallitwhatyoulike，butyoucan’tstopit——atleast，thatismyexperience。Thesongselectedissuretobeonewithachorus。Towardstheenditbecomesmainlychorus，unlessthesoloistbeanextrapowerfulbird，determinedtoinsistuponhisrights。
ThePresidentknowsnothingofthisClub。Hegetsuphimselfaboutseven——threehoursafteralltheothershavefinishedbreakfast——andthenfussesroundundertheimpressionthatheiswakingupthecolony，thefat-headedoldfool。HeisthepoorestthinginPresidentsIhaveeverheardof。ASouthAmericanRepublicwouldsupplyabetterarticle。Therooksthemselves，themarriedmajority，fathersoffamilies，respectablenestholders，areasindignantasIam。Ihearcomplaintsfromallquarters。
Reflectioncomestooneas，towardsthecloseofthesechillafternoonsinearlyspring，oneleansuponthepaddockgatewatchingthenoisybustlinginthebareelms。
Sotheearthisgrowinggreenagain，andloveiscomeagainuntotheheartsofusoldsober-coatedfellows。Oh，Madam，yourfeathersgleamwondrousblack，andyourbonniebrighteyestabsdeep。Come，sitbyourside，andwe’lltellyouatalesuchasrooknevertoldbefore。It’sthetaleofanestinatopmostbough，thatswaysinthegoodwestwind。It’sstrongwithout，butit’ssoftwithin，wherethelittlegreeneggsliesafe。Andtheresitsinthatnestaladysweet，andshecawswithjoy，for，afar，sheseestherookshelovesthebest。Oh，hehasbeeneast，andhehasbeenwest，andhiscropitisfullofwormsandslugs，andtheyareallforher。
Weareold，oldrooks，somanyofus。Thewhiteisminglingwiththepurpleblackuponourbreasts。Wehaveseenthesetallelmsgrowfromsaplings；wehaveseentheoldtreesfallanddie。Yeteachseasoncometousagaintheyoungthoughts。Sowemateandbuildandgatherthatagainourold，oldheartsmayquivertothethincryofournewborn。
MotherNaturehasbutonecare，thechildren。WetalkofLoveastheLordofLife：itisbuttheMinister。OurnovelsendwhereNature’stalebegins。Thedramathatourcurtainfallsupon，isbuttheprologuetoherplay。HowtheancientDamemustlaughasshelistenstotheprattleofherchildren。\"IsMarriageaFailure？\"
\"IsLifeworthLiving？\"\"TheNewWomanversustheOld。\"So，perhaps，thewavesoftheAtlanticdiscussvehementlywhethertheyshallfloweastorwest。
MotherhoodisthelawoftheUniverse。Thewholedutyofmanistobeamother。Welabour：towhatend？thechildren——thewomaninthehome，themaninthecommunity。Thenationtakesthoughtforitsfuture：why？Inafewyearsitsstatesmen，itssoldiers，itsmerchants，itstoilers，willbegathereduntotheirfathers。Whytroubleweourselvesaboutthefuture？Thecountrypoursitsbloodandtreasureintotheearththatthechildrenmayreap。FoolishJacquesBonhomie，hisaddledbrainfullofdreams，rusheswithbloodyhandstogivehisbloodforLiberty，Equality，Fraternity。
Hewillnotlivetosee，exceptinvision，thenewworldhegiveshisbonestobuild——evenhisspinningword-whippedheadknowsthat。
Butthechildren！theyshalllivesweeterlives。Thepeasantleaveshisfiresidetodieuponthebattle-field。Whatisittohim，agraininthehumansand，thatRussiashouldconquertheEast，thatGermanyshouldbeunited，thattheEnglishflagshouldwaveabovenewlands？theheritagehisfatherslefthimshallbegreaterforhissons。Patriotism！whatisitbutthemotherinstinctofapeople？
TakeitthatthedecreehasgoneforthfromHeaven：Thereshallbenomoregenerations，withthislifetheworldshalldie。Thinkyouweshouldmoveanotherhand？Theshipswouldrotintheharbours，thegrainwouldrotintheground。Shouldwepaintpictures，writebooks，makemusic？hemmedinbythatonwardcreepingseaofsilence。
Thinkyouwithwhateyeshusbandandwifewouldlookononeanother。
Thinkyouofthewooing——thespringofLovedriedup；loveonlyapoolofstagnantwater。
Howlittleweseemtorealizethisfoundationofourlife。Herein，ifnowhereelse，liesoureternity。ThisEgoshallneverdie——
unlessthehumanracefrombeginningtoendbebutapassingjestoftheGods，tobesweptasidewhenweariedof，leavingroomfornewexperiments。Thesefeaturesofmine——wewillnotdiscusstheiraestheticvalue——shallneverdisappear；modified，varied，butinessentialthesame，theyshallcontinueineverincreasingcirclestotheendofTime。Thistemperamentofmine——thisgoodandevilthatisinme，itshallgrowwitheveryage，spreadingeverwider，combining，amalgamating。Igointomychildrenandmychildren’schildren，Iameternal。Iamthey，theyareI。Thetreewithersandyoucleartheground，thankfulifoutofitsdeadlimbsyoucanmakegoodfirewood；butitsspirit，itslife，isinfiftysaplings。
Thetreediesnot，itchanges。
Thesemenandwomenthatpassmeinthestreet，thisonehurryingtohisoffice，thisonetohisclub，anothertohislove，theyarethemothersoftheworldtocome。
Thisgreedytricksterinstocksandshares，hecheats，helies，hewrongsallmen——forwhat？Followhimtohisluxurioushomeinthesuburbs：whatdoyoufind？Amanwithchildrenonhisknee，tellingthemstories，promisingthemtoys。Hisanxious，sordidlife，forwhatobjectisitlived？Thatthesechildrenmaypossessthethingsthathethinksgoodforthem。Ourveryvices，sidebysidewithourvirtues，springfromthisoneroot，Motherhood。ItistheoneseedoftheUniverse。Theplanetsarebutchildrenofthesun，themoonbutanoffspringoftheearth，stoneofherstone，ironofheriron。WhatistheGreatCentreofusall，lifeanimateandinanimate——ifanylifebeinanimate？Istheeternaluniverseonedimfigure，Motherhood，fillingallspace？
ThisschemingMotherofMayfair，anglingforarichson-in-law！Notapleasingportraittolookupon，fromonepointofview。Letuslookatit，foramoment，fromanother。Howwearyshemustbe！
Thisisherthird\"function\"to-night；thepaintisrunningoffherpoorface。Shehasbeensnubbedadozentimesbyhersocialsuperiors，openlyinsultedbyaDuchess；yetshebearsitwithapatientsmile。Itisapitifulambition，hers：itisthatherchildshallmarrymoney，shallhavecarriagesandmanyservants，liveinParkLane，weardiamonds，seehernameintheSocietyPapers。Atwhatevercosttoherself，herdaughtershall，ifpossible，enjoythesethings。Shecouldsomuchmorecomfortablygotobed，andleavethechildtomarrysomewell-to-docommercialtraveller。Justice，Reader，evenforsuch。HersordidschemingisbutthedeformedchildofMotherhood。
Motherhood！itisthegamutofGod’sorchestra，savagenessandcrueltyattheoneend，tendernessandself-sacrificeattheother。
Thesparrow-hawkfightsthehen：heseekingfoodforhisbrood，shedefendingherswithherlife。Thespidersuckstheflytofeeditsmyriadyoung；thecattorturesthemousetogiveitsstillthrobbingcarcasetoherkittens，andmanwrongsmanforchildren’ssake。
Perhapswhentheriotoftheworldreachesuswhole，notbroken，weshalllearnitisaharmony，eachjanglingdiscordfallenintoitsplacearoundthecentraltheme，Motherhood。
ONTHEINADVISABILITYOFFOLLOWINGADVICE
IwaspacingtheEustonplatformlateonewinter’snight，waitingforthelasttraintoWatford，whenInoticedamancursinganautomaticmachine。Twiceheshookhisfistatit。Iexpectedeverymomenttoseehimstrikeit。Naturallycurious，Idrewnearsoftly。
Iwantedtocatchwhathewassaying。However，heheardmyapproachingfootsteps，andturnedonme。\"Areyoutheman，\"saidhe，\"whowasherejustnow？\"
\"Justwhere？\"Ireplied。Ihadbeenpacingupanddowntheplatformforaboutfiveminutes。
\"Whyhere，wherewearestanding，\"hesnappedout。\"Wheredoyouthink’here’is——overthere？\"Heseemedirritable。
\"Imayhavepassedthisspotinthecourseofmyperegrinations，ifthatiswhatyoumean，\"Ireplied。Ispokewithstudiedpoliteness；
myideawastorebukehisrudeness。
\"Imean，\"heanswered，\"areyouthemanthatspoketome，justaminuteago？\"
\"Iamnotthatman，\"Isaid；\"good-night。\"
\"Areyousure？\"hepersisted。
\"Oneisnotlikelytoforgettalkingtoyou，\"Iretorted。
Histonehadbeenmostoffensive。\"Ibegyourpardon，\"herepliedgrudgingly。\"Ithoughtyoulookedlikethemanwhospoketomeaminuteorsoago。\"
Ifeltmollified；hewastheonlyothermanontheplatform，andI
hadaquarterofanhourtowait。\"No，itcertainlywasn’tme，\"I
returnedgenially，butungrammatically。\"Why，didyouwanthim？\"
\"Yes，Idid，\"heanswered。\"Iputapennyintheslothere，\"hecontinued，feelingapparentlytheneedofunburdeninghimself：
\"wantedaboxofmatches。Icouldn’tgetanythingput，andIwasshakingthemachine，andswearingatit，asonedoes，whentherecamealongaman，aboutyoursize，and——you’reSUREitwasn’tyou？\"
\"Positive，\"Iagainungrammaticallyreplied；\"Iwouldtellyouifithadbeen。Whatdidhedo？\"
\"Well，hesawwhathadhappened，orguessedit。Hesaid，’Theyaretroublesomethings，thosemachines；theywantunderstanding。’I
said，’Theywanttakingupandflingingintothesea，that’swhattheywant！’IwasfeelingmadbecauseIhadn’tamatchaboutme，andIusealot。Hesaid，’Theysticksometimes；thethingtodoistoputanotherpennyin；theweightofthefirstpennyisnotalwayssufficient。Thesecondpennyloosensthedrawerandtumblesoutitself；sothatyougetyourpurchasetogetherwithyourfirstpennybackagain。Ihaveoftensucceededthatway。’Well，itseemedasillyexplanation，buthetalkedasifhehadbeenweanedbyanautomaticmachine，andIwassawneyenoughtolistentohim。I
droppedinwhatIthoughtwasanotherpenny。Ihavejustdiscovereditwasatwo-shillingpiece。Thefoolwasrighttoacertainextent；Ihavegotsomethingout。Ihavegotthis。\"
Heheldittowardsme；Ilookedatit。ItwasapacketofEvertontoffee。
\"Twoandapenny，\"heremarked，bitterly。\"I’llsellitforathirdofwhatitcostme。\"
\"Youhaveputyourmoneyintothewrongmachine，\"Isuggested。
\"Well，Iknowthat！\"heanswered，alittlecrossly，asitseemedtome——hewasnotaniceman：hadtherebeenanyoneelsetotalktoI
shouldhavelefthim。\"Itisn’tlosingthemoneyImindsomuch；
it’sgettingthisdamnthing，thatannoysme。IfIcouldfindthatidiotIdramitdownhisthroat。\"
Wewalkedtotheendoftheplatform，sidebyside，insilence。
\"Therearepeoplelikethat，\"hebrokeout，asweturned，\"peoplewhowillgoabout，givingadvice。I’llbegettingsixmonthsoveroneofthem，I’malwaysafraid。IrememberaponyIhadonce。\"（I
judgedthemantobeasmallfarmer；hetalkedinawurzellytone。
Idon’tknowifyouunderstandwhatImean，butanatmosphereofwurzelswasthethingthatsomehowhesuggested。）\"ItwasathoroughbredWelshpony，assoundalittlebeastaseverstepped。
I’dhadhimouttograssallthewinter，andonedayintheearlyspringIthoughtI’dtakehimforarun。IhadtogotoAmershamonbusiness。Iputhimintothecart，anddrovehimacross；itisjusttenmilesfrommyplace。Hewasabituppish，andhadlatheredhimselfprettyfreelybythetimewereachedthetown。
\"Amanwasatthedoorofthehotel。Hesays，’That’sagoodponyofyours。’
\"’Prettymiddling，’Isays。
\"’Itdoesn’tdotoover-drive’em，whenthey’reyoung，’hesays。
\"Isays，’He’sdonetenmiles，andI’vedonemostofthepulling。I
reckonI’majollysightmoreexhaustedthanheis。
\"Iwentinsideanddidmybusiness，andwhenIcameoutthemanwasstillthere。’Goingbackupthehill？’hesaystome。
\"Somehow，Ididn’tcottontohimfromthebeginning。’Well，I’vegottogettheothersideofit，’Isays，’andunlessyouknowanypatentwayofgettingoverahillwithoutgoingupit，IreckonI
am。’
\"Hesays，’Youtakemyadvice：givehimapintofoldalebeforeyoustart。’
\"’Oldale，’Isays；’whyhe’sateetotaler。’
\"’Neveryoumindthat，’heanswers；’yougivehimapintofoldale。
Iknowtheseponies；he’sagood’un，butheain’tset。Apintofoldale，andhe’lltakeyouupthathilllikeacabletramway，andnothurthimself。’
\"Idon’tknowwhatitisaboutthisclassofman。Oneasksoneselfafterwardswhyonedidn’tknockhishatoverhiseyesandrunhisheadintothenearesthorse-trough。Butatthetimeonelistenstothem。Igotapintofoldaleinahand-bowl，andbroughtitout。
Abouthalf-a-dozenchapswerestandinground，andofcoursetherewasagooddealofchaff。
\"’You’restartinghimonthedownwardcourse，Jim，’saysoneofthem。’He’lltaketogambling，robabank，andmurderhismother。
That’salwaystheresultofaglassofale，’cordingtothetracts。’
\"’Hewon’tdrinkitlikethat，’saysanother；’it’sasflatasditchwater。Putaheadonitforhim。’
\"’Ain’tyougotacigarforhim？’saysathird。
\"’Acupofcoffeeandaroundofbutteredtoastwoulddohimasightmoregood，acolddaylikethis，’saysafourth。
\"I’dhalfamindthentothrowthestuffaway，ordrinkitmyself；
itseemedapieceofballynonsense，givinggoodaletoafour-year-oldpony；butthemomentthebeggarsmeltthebowlhereachedouthishead，andlappeditupasthoughhe’dbeenaChristian；andIjumpedintothecartandstartedoff，amidcheers。
Wegotupthehillprettysteady。Thentheliquorbegantoworkintohishead。I’vetakenhomeadrunkenmanmorethanonceandthere’spleasanterjobsthanthat。I’veseenadrunkenwoman，andthey’reworse。ButadrunkenWelshponyIneverwanttohaveanythingmoretodowithsolongasIlive。Havingfourlegshemanagedtoholdhimselfup；butastoguidinghimself，hecouldn’t；
andasforlettingmedoit，hewouldn’t。Firstwewereonesideoftheroad，andthenweweretheother。Whenwewerenoteitherside，wewerecrosswaysinthemiddle。Iheardabicyclebellbehindme，butIdarednotturnmyhead。AllIcoulddowastoshouttothefellowtokeepwherehewas。
\"’Iwanttopassyou，’hesangout，sosoonashewasnearenough。
\"’Well，youcan’tdoit，’Icalledback。
\"’Whycan’tI？’heanswered。’HowmuchoftheroaddoYOUwant？’
\"’Allofitandabitover，’Iansweredhim，’forthisjob，andnothingintheway。’
\"Hefollowedmeforhalf-a-mile，abusingme；andeverytimehethoughthesawachancehetriedtopassme。Buttheponywasalwaysabittoosmartforhim。Youmighthavethoughtthebrutewasdoingitonpurpose。
\"’You’renotfittobedriving，’heshouted。Hewasquiteright；I
wasn’t。Iwasfeelingjustaboutdeadbeat。
\"’Whatdoyouthinkyouare？’hecontinued，’thechargeoftheLightBrigade？’（Hewasacommonsortoffellow。）’WhosentYOUhomewiththewashing？’
\"Well，hewasmakingmewildbythistime。’What’sthegoodoftalkingtome？’Ishoutedback。’Comeandblackguardtheponyifyouwanttoblackguardanybody。I’vegotallIcandowithoutthehelpofthatalarmclockofyours。Goaway，you’reonlymakinghimworse。’
\"’What’sthematterwiththepony？’hecalledout。
\"’Can’tyousee？’Ianswered。’He’sdrunk。’
\"Well，ofcourseitsoundedfoolish；thetruthoftendoes。
\"’Oneofyou’sdrunk，’heretorted；’fortwopinsI’dcomeandhaulyououtofthecart。’
\"Iwishtogoodnesshehad；I’dhavegivensomethingtobeoutofthatcart。Buthedidn’thavethechance。Atthatmomenttheponygaveasuddenswerve；andItakeithemusthavebeenabittooclose。Iheardayellandacurse，andatthesameinstantIwassplashedfromheadtofootwithditchwater。Thenthebrutebolted。
Amanwascomingalong，asleeponthetopofacart-loadofwindsorchairs。It’sdisgracefulthewaythosewagonersgotosleep；I
wondertherearenotmoreaccidents。Idon’tthinkheeverknewwhathadhappenedtohim。Icouldn’tlookroundtoseewhatbecameofhim；Ionlysawhimstart。Half-waydownthehillapolicemanholla’dtometostop。Iheardhimshoutingoutsomethingaboutfuriousdriving。Half-a-milethissideofCheshamwecameuponagirls’schoolwalkingtwoandtwo——a’crocodile’theycallit，I
think。Ibetyouthosegirlsarestilltalkingaboutit。Itmusthavetakentheoldwomanagoodhourtocollectthemtogetheragain。
\"Itwasmarket-dayinChesham；andIguesstherehasnotbeenabusiermarket-dayinCheshambeforeorsince。Wewentthroughthetownataboutthirtymilesanhour。I’veneverseenCheshamsolively——it’sasleepyholeasarule。AmileoutsidethetownI
sightedtheHighWycombecoach。Ididn’tfeelImindedmuch；Ihadgottothatpasswhenitdidn’tseemtomattertomewhathappened；
Ionlyfeltcurious。Adozenyardsoffthecoachtheponystoppeddead；thatjerkedmeofftheseattothebottomofthecart。I
couldn’tgetup，becausetheseatwasontopofme。Icouldseenothingbutthesky，andoccasionallytheheadofthepony，whenhestooduponhishindlegs。ButIcouldhearwhatthedriverofthecoachsaid，andIjudgedhewashavingtroublealso。
\"’Takethatdamncircusoutoftheroad，’heshouted。Ifhe’dhadanysensehe’dhaveseenhowhelplessIwas。Icouldhearhiscattleplungingabout；theyarelikethat，horses——iftheyseeonefool，thentheyallwanttobefools。
\"’Takeithome，andtieituptoitsorgan，’shoutedtheguard。
\"Thenanoldwomanwentintohysterics，andbeganlaughinglikeanhyena。Thatstartedtheponyoffagain，and，asfarasIcouldcalculatebywatchingtheclouds，wedidaboutanotherfourmilesatthegallop。Thenhethoughthe’dtrytojumpagate，andfinding，I
suppose，thatthecarthamperedhim，hestartedkickingittopieces。I’dneverhavethoughtacartcouldhavebeenseparatedintosomanypieces，ifIhadn’tseenitdone。Whenhehadgotridofeverythingbuthalfawheelandthesplashboardheboltedagain。
Iremainedbehindwiththeotherruins，andgladIwastogetalittlerest。Hecamebacklaterintheafternoon，andIwaspleasedtosellhimthenextweekforafive-pound-note：itcostmeaboutanothertentorepairmyself。
\"TothisdayIamchaffedaboutthatpony，andthelocaltemperancesocietymadealectureoutofme。That’swhatcomesoffollowingadvice。\"
Isympathizedwithhim。Ihavesufferedfromadvicemyself。Ihaveafriend，aCityman，whomImeetoccasionally。Oneofhismostardentpassionsinlifeistomakemyfortune。Hebutton-holesmeinThreadneedleStreet。\"TheverymanIwantedtosee，\"hesays；
\"I’mgoingtoletyouinforagoodthing。Wearegettingupalittlesyndicate。\"Heisforever\"gettingup\"alittlesyndicate，andforeveryhundredpoundsyouputintoityoutakeathousandout。HadIgoneintoallhislittlesyndicates，Icouldhavebeenworthatthepresentmoment，Ireckon，twomillionfivehundredthousandpounds。ButIhavenotgoneintoallhislittlesyndicates。Iwentintoone，yearsago，whenIwasyounger。Iamstillinit；myfriendisconfidentthatmyholding，lateron，willyieldmethousands。Being，however，hard-upforreadymoney，Iamwillingtopartwithmysharetoanydeservingpersonatagenuinereduction，uponacashbasis。Anotherfriendofmineknowsanothermanwhois\"intheknow\"asregardsracingmatters。Isupposemostpeoplepossessafriendofthistype。Heisgenerallyverypopularjustbeforearace，andextremelyunpopularimmediatelyafterwards。
Athirdbenefactorofmineisanenthusiastuponthesubjectofdiet。Onedayhebroughtmesomethinginapacket，andpresseditintomyhandwiththeairofamanwhoisrelievingyouofallyourtroubles。
\"Whatisit？\"Iasked。
\"Openitandsee，\"heanswered，inthetoneofapantomimefairy。
Iopeneditandlooked，butIwasnowiser。
\"It’stea，\"heexplained。
\"Oh！\"Ireplied；\"Iwaswonderingifitcouldbesnuff。\"
\"Well，it’snotexactlytea，\"hecontinued，\"it’sasortoftea。
Youtakeonecupofthat——onecup，andyouwillnevercareforanyotherkindofteaagain。\"
Hewasquiteright，Itookonecup。AfterdrinkingitIfeltI
didn’tcareforanyothertea。IfeltIdidn’tcareforanything，excepttodiequietlyandinoffensively。Hecalledonmeaweeklater。
\"YourememberthatteaIgaveyou？\"hesaid。
\"Distinctly，\"Ianswered；\"I’vegotthetasteofitinmymouthnow。\"
\"Diditupsetyou？\"heasked。
\"Itannoyedmeatthetime，\"Ianswered；\"butthat’sallovernow。\"
Heseemedthoughtful。\"Youwerequitecorrect，\"heanswered；\"itWASsnuff，averyspecialsnuff，sentmeallthewayfromIndia。\"
\"Ican’tsayIlikedit，\"Ireplied。
\"Astupidmistakeofmine，\"hewenton——\"Imusthavemixedupthepackets！\"
\"Oh，accidentswillhappen，\"Isaid，\"andyouwon’tmakeanothermistake，Ifeelsure；sofarasIamconcerned。\"
Wecanallgiveadvice。Ihadthehonouronceofservinganoldgentlemanwhoseprofessionitwastogivelegaladvice，andexcellentlegaladvicehealwaysgave。Incommonwithmostmenwhoknowthelaw，hehadlittlerespectforit。Ihaveheardhimsaytoawould-belitigant——
\"Mydearsir，ifavillainstoppedmeinthestreetanddemandedofmemywatchandchain，Ishouldrefusetogiveittohim。Ifhethereuponsaid，’ThenIshalltakeitfromyoubybruteforce，’I
should，oldasIam，Ifeelconvinced，replytohim，’Comeon。’Butif，ontheotherhand，heweretosaytome，’Verywell，thenI
shalltakeproceedingsagainstyouintheCourtofQueen’sBenchtocompelyoutogiveituptome，’Ishouldatoncetakeitfrommypocket，pressitintohishand，andbegofhimtosaynomoreaboutthematter。AndIshouldconsiderIwasgettingoffcheaply。\"
Yetthatsameoldgentlemanwenttolawhimselfwithhisnext-doorneighbouroveradeadpollparrotthatwasn’tworthsixpencetoanybody，andspentfromfirsttolastahundredpounds，ifhespentapenny。
