Itistheheterogeneouscharacterofthebuildingsdowntownthatrendersourstreetssohideous。Farfromseekingharmony，buildersseemtobetryingto\"go\"eachother\"onestorybetter\"；iftheycanbelittleaneighborintheprocessitiscleargain，andsomuchadvertisement。CertainblocksonlowerBroadwayaregemsinthisway！Anyonewhohasglancedatanauctioneer’sshelveswhena\"joblot\"ofbooksisbeingsold，willdoubtlesshavenoticedtheirresemblancetothesidewalksofourdowntownstreets。Daintylittleduodecimobuildingsaresqueezedinbetweentoweringin—
folios，andrichlyboundandtooledoctavoschumwithcheapeditions。OurcarelessCityFathershavenotevengiventhemselvesthetroubleofpushingtheirstoneandbrickvolumesintothesameline，butallowthemtostragglealongtheshelf—Ibegpardon，thesidewalk—accordingtotheirownsweetwill。
Theresemblanceofmostnewbusinessbuildingstoflashybooksincreasesthemoreonestudiesthem；theyhavetheproportionsofschoolatlases，and，likethem，areadornedonlyontheirbacks（readfronts）。Themodernbuilder，likethefrugalbinder，leavesthesidesofhiscreationsunadorned，andexpendshisingenuityindecoratingthenarrowstripwhichhenaivelyimagineswillbetheonlypartseen，calmlyignoringthefactthatonglancingupordownastreetthesidesofhousesarewhatweseefirst。Itisalmostimpossibletogetmathematicallyoppositeabuilding，yetthatistheonlypointfromwhichthesenewconstructionsarenotgrotesque。
Itseemsasthoughtherudimentsofcommonsensewouldsuggestthatunderexistingcircumstancesthelessdecorationputonafacadethegreaterwouldbetheharmonyofthewhole。Buttrifleslikeharmonyandfitnessaresplendidlyignoredbythearchitectsofto—day，who，beitremarkedinpassing，haveslippedintoanothercurioushabitforwhichIshouldgreatlyliketoseeanexplanationoffered。Aslongasthegroundfloorsandthetopsoftheircreationsareelaborate，thedesignerevidentlythinkstheinterveningtwelveorfifteenstoriescanshiftforthemselves。OneclumsymassontheBowlingGreenisanexcellentexampleofthisweakness。ItsgroundfloorisaplayfulreproductionofthetombsofEgypt。
Aboutthesecondstorythearchitectmusthavebecomediscouraged—orperhapstheowner’sfundsgaveout—forthenextdozenfloorsaretreatedintheseverest\"tenementhouse\"
manner；then，ashisbuildingterminateswellupinthesky，atopfloorortwoare，fornoapparentreason，elaboratelyadorned。Indeed，thisdesireforabrilliantfinishpervadestheneighborhood。TheJohnsonBuildingonBroadStreet（tochooseoneoutofthemany）issoberanddiscreetindesignforadozenstories，butburstsatitstopintoaByzantinecolonnade。Why？oneasksinwonder。
Anothernew—comer，cornerofWallandNassauStreets，isacommonplacestructure，withafairlygoodcornice，ontopofwhich—anafterthought，probably—aminiatureStateCapitolhasbeenadded，withdomeandcolonnadecomplete。Theresultrecallsdear，absent—mindedMissMatty（inMrs。Gaskell’scharmingstory），whensheputherbestcapontopofanoldoneandsatsmilingathervisitorsfromunderthedoubleheaddress！
Nowhereintheworld—noteveninMoscow，thatcityofdomes—canoneseesuchacollectionofpagodas，cupolas，kiosks，andturretsasgracetheroofsofourofficebuildings！
Architectsevidentlylookuponsuchadornmentsascompensations！Themorehideousthestructure，thefineritsdome！Havingperpetratedablotuponthecitythatcriestoheaveninitsenormity，therepentantowneraddsapagodaortwo，muchinthesamespirit，doubtless，aspromptsanItalianpeasanttohangavotiveheartonsomefriendlyshrinewhenacrimeliesheavyonhisconscience。
Whatwouldbethoughtofabook—collectorwhotooktostandinginkstandsorpepperboxesonthetopsofhistallestvolumesbywayofadornment？Yetdomesonbusinessbuildingsareeverybitasappropriate。AchoicecollectionofthosemonstrositiesgracesParkRow，onemuch—gildedoffendervaryingthemonotonybylookinglikeayellowstopperinahigh—shoulderedbottle！HowmodernarchitectswiththeexquisiteCityHallbeforethemcouldhavewanderedsofarafieldintheirsearchfortheoriginalmustalwaysremainamystery。
Whenatall，thinbuildinghappenstostandonacorner，thelikenesstoanatlasisreplacedbyagrotesqueresemblancetoawaffleiron，ofwhichonestructurejustfinishedonRectorStreetskilfullyreproduces’thelines。Therowsoflittlewindowswereevidentlyarrangedtoimitatetheindentationsonthathumbleutensil，andtheelevatedroadatthebackseemsinthiscasetododutyasthehandle。Mrs。VanRensselaertellsusinherdelightfulGOEDEVROUWOFMANA—HA—TAthatwaffleironsusedtobeafavoriteweddingpresentamongtheDutchsettlersofthisisland，andwereadornedwithmonogramsandotherdevices，soperhapsitisatavismthatmakesussofondofthisforminbuilding！As，however，nocarefulHAUSFRAUwouldhavestoodherirononitsedge，architectsshouldhesitatebeforeplacingtheirbuildingsinthatposition，astheimpressionofinstabilityisthesameineachcase。
AfterleavingthevicinityoftheCityHall，thetallslabsthatlikemagnifiedmilestonesmarktheprogressofArchitectureupBroadwaybecomeashadelessobjectionable，althoughonemeetssomestrangefreaksinso—calleddecorationbytheway。Why，forinstance，werethoseTitancolumnsgroupedaroundtheentrancetotheAmericanSuretyCompany’sbuilding？Theydonotsupportanything（the\"business\"ofcolumnsinarchitecture）exceptsomeratherfeeblestatuary，anddoseriouslyblocktheentrance。Weretheyaddedwiththeideaoffitness？Thatcanhardlybe，foraporticoisasinappropriatetosuchabuildingasitwouldbetoaparlorcar，andalmostasinconvenient。
Fartheruptownourattentionisarrestedbyanothermisplacedadornment。WhatpurposecanthattombwitharailingrounditserveontopoftheNewYorkLifeInsurancebuilding？ItlookslikeamonumentinGreenwood，surmountedbyarat—trap，butnooneisinterredthere，andvermincanhardlybetroublesomeatthataltitude。
Howdidthiscrazefordecorationoriginate？TheinhabitantsofFlorenceandAthensdidnotconsideritnecessary。Theremust，Ifeelsure，beareasonforitsuseinthiscity；
Americanland—lordsrarelyspendmoneywithoutapurpose；
perhapstheyfindthatrococodetaildrawsbusinessandinspiresconfidence！
IshouldliketoaskthearchitectsofNewYorkonequestion：
Havetheynotbeentaughtthatintheirart，asineveryother，pretencesarevulgar，thatthingsshouldbewhattheyseem？Thenwhydotheycontinuetohidesteelandfire—brickcagesunderaveneerofgranitesixinchesthick，causingthemtoposeassolidstonebuildings？Ifthereisademandfortall，lightstructures，whynotbuildthemsimply（asbridgesareconstructed），andnotaddapoulticeofboguscolumnsandzinccornicesthatservenopurposeanddeceivenoone？
UnionSquarepossessesblocksoutofwhichtheJacksonandDeckerbuildingsspringwithanobledisregardofallrulesandadeliciousincongruitythatremindsoneofFalstaff’scorpsofill—drilledsoldiers。MadisonSquare，however，isFACILEPRINCEPS，withitsannextotheHoffmanHouse，abuildingwhichwouldmakethefortuneofanydimemuseumthatcouldfenceitinandshowitforafee！Longcontemplationofthisstructurefrommystudywindowhasprintedeverycomicdetailonmybrain。ItstartsoffatthegroundleveltobeanimitationoftheDoge’sPalace（aneatandappropriateideainitselfforaBroadwayshop）。Atthesecondstory，followingtheusualNewYorkmethod，itrevertstoadesignsuggestiveofacountyjail（thePalaceandthePrison），withhereandthereabalconyhungout，emblematical，doubtless，oftheinmates’washandbedding。AttheninthfloortherepentantarchitectaddstwomorestoriesinmemoryoftheDoge’sresidence。Haveyoueverseenanaccordion（concertina，Ibelieve，isthecorrectname）hanginginashopwindow？TheTwenty—fifthStreetDoge’sPalaceremindsmeofthathumbleinstrument。Thewoodenpart，wherethekeysandroundholesare，standsonthesidewalk。Thencomeanindefinitenumberofpleats，andfinallytheotherwoodenendwellupamongtheclouds。Sostrikingisthisresemblancethatattimesoneexpectstohearthelong—drawnmoanspeculiartotheconcertinaissuingfromthoseportals。Alas！
eventhemostoriginaldesignshavetheirdrawbacks！AftertheproprietoroftheVenetianaccordionhadgothisinstrumentwelldrawnoutandbalancedonitsend，heperceivedthatitdwarfedtheadjacentbuildings，socastaboutinhismindforaschemetoaddheightanddignitytotherestoftheblock。Onedaytheastonishedneighborhoodsawwhatappearedtobea\"roomysuburbanvilla\"ofironrisingontheroofoftheoldHoffmanHouse。Theresultssuggestsasmallmanwho，beingobligedtowalkwithagiant，hadputonahatseveraltimestoolargeinordertoequalizetheirheights！
HowastonishedPericlesandhiscircleofarchitectsandsculptorswouldbecouldtheystandonthecornerofBroadwayandTwenty—eighthStreetandseetheminiatureParthenonthatgracestheroofofapileinnocentofotherGreekornament？
Theywouldalsorecognizetheiroldfriends，theladiesoftheErechtheum，doingdutyontheReveillonBuildingacrosstheway，pretendingtoholdupacornice，which，beinginproportiontothebuilding，isseveralhundredtimestoobigforthemtocarry。Theycan’tbeseenfromthesidewalk，—
thestreetistoonarrowforthat，—butsuchtriflesdon’tdeterbuildersfromdecoratingwhenthefitisonthem。
Perhapsthisonegothiscaryatidesatabargain，andhadtoworktheminsomewhere；soitisnotfairtobehardonhim。
Ifeverwetaketoballooning，alltheseelaboratetopsmayaddmateriallytoourpleasure。Atthepresentmomentthebirds，andangels，itistobehoped，appreciatetheeffort。
I，perhaps，ofalltheinhabitantsofthecity，haveseenthoseladiesfacetoface，whenIhavegoneonasemi—monthlyvisittomyrooftolookforleaks！
\"It’sallverywelltocarpandcavil，\"manyreaderswillsay，\"but`Idler’forgetsthatourmodernarchitectshavehadtocontendwithdifficultiesthatthedesignersofotheragesneverfaced，demandsforspaceandlightforcingthenineteenth—centurybuilderstoproducestructureswhichtheyknowareneithergracefulnorinproportion！\"
Ifmyreaderswillgivethemselvesthetroubletoglanceatseveralofficebuildingsinthecity，theywillrealizethattheproblemisnotwithoutasolution。Inalmosteverycasewherethearchitecthasrefrainedfromuselessdecorationandstucktosimplelines，theresult，ifnotbeautiful，hasatleastbeeninoffensive。Itiswhereinappropriateelaborationisaddedthattasteisoffended。SuchstructuresastheSingerbuilding，cornerofLibertyStreetandBroadway，andthehomeofLIFE，inThirty—firstStreet，provethatbeautyandgraceoffacadecanbeadaptedtomodernbusinesswants。
FeelingasmanyNewYorkersdoaboutthisdefacingofwhatmighthavebeenthemostbeautifulofmoderncities，itisgallingtobecalledupontoadmirewhereitisalreadyanefforttotolerate。
Asprightlygentleman，writingrecentlyinascientificweekly，goesintoecstasiesofadmirationovertheadvantagesandbeautyofasteelmastodononParkRow，abuildingthathastheproportionsofacarpenter’splanestoodonend，decoratedhereandtherewithbalconiesandacolonnadeperchedonbracketsuptowarditsfifteenthstory。Hecomplacentlygivesusitsweightandheightascomparedwiththepyramids，andnumerousotherdetailsastofloorspaceandventilation，andhintsinconclusionthatonlyoldfogiesanddullards，unabletokeeppacewiththetimes，failtoappreciatethecharmofsuchstructuresinacity。Oneofthe\"points\"thiswritermakesisthequalityofairenjoyedbytenants，amusinglyobliviousofthefactthatatleastthreefacadesofeachtallbuildingwillseethedayonlysolongastheproprietorsofadjacentlandaretoopoorortoobusytoconstructsimilarcolossi！
Whenallthebuildingsinablockarethesameheight，seveneighthsoftheroomsineachwillbewithoutlightorventilation。It’sratherpoortastetobragofadvantagesthatareenjoyedonlythroughthegenerosityofone’sneighbors。
Businessdemandsmayforceustobowbeforethenecessityofthesehorrors，butitcertainlyis\"rubbingitin\"toaskourapplause。WhentheEiffelTowerwasincourseofconstruction，theartistsandliterarylightsofParisraisedatempestofprotest。Onewonderswhysolittleofthekindhasbeendonehere。Itisperhapsratherlateinthedaytosuggestreform，yetifmoreNewYorkerswouldinterestthemselvesinthework，muchmightstillbedonetomodifyandimproveourmetropolis。
Onehearswithsatisfactionthatagroupofarchitectshavelatelymetanddiscussedplansfortheembellishmentofourneglectedcity。Thereisacertainpoeticaljusticeinthepropositioncomingfromthosewhohaveworkedsomuchoftheharm。Remorsehasbeforenowbeenknowntoproducegoodresults。TheUnitedStatestreasuryyearlyreceiveslargesumsof\"consciencemoney。\"
Chapter7—WorldlyColor—BlindnessMYRIADSofpeoplehavenoearformusicandderivebutlittlepleasurefromsweetsounds。Strangeasitmayappear，manygiftedandsensitivemortalshavebeenunabletodistinguishonenotefromanother，Apollo’sharmoniousartremainingforthem，asfortheelderDumas，onlyan\"expensivenoise。\"
Anotherlargeclassfinditimpossibletodiscriminatebetweencolors。Menafflictedinthiswayhaveevenbecomepaintersofreputation。Iknewoneofthelatter，who，whenafriendcomplimentedhimonhavingcaughttheexactshadeofapinktoiletinoneofhisportraits，answered，\"Doesthatdresslookpinktoyou？Ithoughtitwasgreen！\"andyethehadcopiedwhathesawcorrectly。
Boththeseclassesaretobepitied，butarenotthecauseofmuchsufferingtoothers。Itisannoying，Igrantyou，tobetornasunderinacollision，becauseredandgreenlightsontheswitchescombinedintoapleasingharmonybeforethebrakeman’seyes。Thetone—deafgentlemanwhoinsistsonwhistlingapopularmelodyisalmostastryingastheladysufferingfromthesameweakness，whoshouts，\"Ninon，Ninon，quefais—tudelavie！\"untilyoufeelimpelledtocry，\"Quefaites—vous，madame，withthekey？\"
Examinationsnowkeepdaltonicgentlemenoutoflocomotives，andladieswhohavelosttheir\"keys\"areapttofindtheirfriends’pianosclosed。WhatwecannotguardagainstisavarietyofthegenusHOMOwhichsuffersfrom\"socialcolor—
blindness。\"Thesewell—meaningmortalsformoneofthehardesttrialsthatsocietyisheirto；forthediseaseisincurable，andasitisalmostimpossibletoescapefromthem，theycontinuetospreaddismayandconfusionalongtheirpathtothebitterend。
Thismalady，which，asfarasIknow，hasnotbeendiagnosed，invadesallcircles，andis，curiouslyenough，rampantamongwell—bornandapparentlywell—bredpeople。
Whyisitthattheentertainmentsatcertainhousesarealwaysdullfailures，whileacrossthewayoneenjoyssuchagreeableevenings？Bothhostsaregentlemen，enjoyingaboutthesameamountof\"unearnedincrement，\"yettheatmosphereoftheirhousesisradicallydifferent。Thiscontrastcannotbetracedtothedulnessorbrilliancyoftheentertainerandhiswife。
Neithercanitbelaidatthedoorofinexperience，fortheworstoffendersareoftenoldhandsatthegame。
Theonlyexplanationpossibleisthattheownersofhouseswhereoneisboredaresociallycolor—blind，ascheerfullyunconsciousoftheirweaknessasthekeylessladyandthewhistlingabomination。
Sinceincreasingwealthhasmadeentertaininggeneralandlavish，thismaladyhasbecomemoreandmoreapparent，untiloneistemptedtoparodyMme。Roland’sdyingexclamationandcry，\"Hospitality！hospitility！whatcrimesarecommittedinthyname！\"
Entertainingisformanypeoplebutanexcuseforostentation。
Forothersitisameanstoanend；whileathirdvarietyapparentlykeepadebitandcreditaccountwiththeiracquaintances—inbooksofdoubleentry，sothatnoerrorsmayoccur—andissueinvitationslikereceipts，onlyinreturnforvaluereceived。
Wecanrarelytellwhatispassinginthemindsofpeopleaboutus。Someofthosementionedabovemayfeelavaguepleasurewhentheirroomsarefilledwithachatteringcrowdofmoreorlesswell—assortedguests；ifthatisdeniedthem，canfindconsolationfortheoutlayinanindefinitesensationofhavingperformedaduty，—whatduty，ortowhom，theywould，however，finditdifficulttodefine。
Letthenovicefleefromtheallurementsofsuchahost。Oldhandsknowhimandhavegothimontheirlist，escapingwhenescapeispossible；forhewillmatethegreenyouthwiththeredfrump，orlikeaprematuremillenniumforcethelionandthelambtoliedowntogether，andimaginehehasgivenunmixedpleasuretoboth。
Onewouldexpectthatgreatworldlylightsmightlearnbyexperiencehowfatalbungledentertainmentscanbe，butsuchisnotthecase。Manywell—intentionedpeoplecontinuesacrificingtheirfriendsonthealtarofhospitalityyearafteryearwithneveraqualmofconscienceorasensationofpityfortheirvictims。Onepracticalladyofmyacquaintanceasksherguestsalphabetically，commencingtheseasonandthefirstleafofhervisitinglistsimultaneouslyandworkingsteadilyonthroughbothto\"finis。\"IfyouareanA，youwillmeetonlyA’sathertable，withperhapsoneortwoB’sthrownintofillup；youmaysitnexttoyourmother—in—lawforallthehostesscares。Shehasprobablyneverheardthatthenumberofguestsattableshouldnotexceedthatofthemuses；orifbyanychanceshehasheardit，doesnotcare，andconsiderssucharuleold—fashionedandnotappropriatetoourimprovedmodernmethodsofentertaining。
Onewonderswhatpossiblesatisfactionahostcanderivefromprovidingfiftypeoplewithunwholesomefoodanddrinkatafixeddate。Itisaphysicalimpossibilityforhimtohavemorethanapassingwordwithhisguests，andtentoonetheunaccustomednumberhasupsettheinternalarrangementsofhishousehold，sothatthedinnerwill，inconsequence，bepoorandtheservicedefective。
Aside—lightonthisquestioncametomerecentlywhenanexceedinglyfrankhusbandconfidedtoacircleofhisfriendsattheclubtheschemehiswife，who，thoughonpleasurebent，wasofafrugalmind，hadadoptedtobalancehersocialledger。
\"Aswedineoutconstantlythroughtheyear，\"remarkedBenedict，\"somereturnisnecessary。Sowewaituntiltheheightofthewinterseason，wheneverybodyisengagedtwoweeksinadvance，thensendoutourinvitationsatrathershortnoticefortwoorthreeconsecutivedinners。You’dbesurprised，\"heremarked，withabeamingsmile，\"whatanumberrefuse；lastwinterwecancelledallourobligationswithtwodinners，theflowersandentreesbeingasfreshonthesecondeveningasthefirst！It’swonderful！\"heremarkedinconclusion，\"howsimpleentertainingbecomeswhenoneknowshow！\"WhichremindedmeofaningeniousyouthIonceheardtellingsomefriendshoweasyhehadfoundittowritethebookhehadjustpublished。Afterhisdepartureweagreedthatifhefounditsoeasyitwouldnotbeworthourwhiletoreadhisvolume。
Tender—heartedpeoplegenerallymakebadhosts。Theyhaveawayofcollectingthemorallylame，halt，andblindintotheirdrawing—roomsthatgivesthoseapartmentstheairofaconvalescenthome。Themomentacouplehaveplacedthemselvesbeyondthesocialpale，thesepurblindhostsconceiveanaffectionforandlavishhospitalityuponthem。Ifsuchahosthasbeenfortunateenoughtogettogetheracircleofhealthypeople，youmayfeelconfidentthatatthelastmomentaleperwillbeintroduced。Thisclassofentertainersfailtoseethatsocietycannotherunonaphilanthropicbasis，andsoinsistonturningtheirsalonsintohospitals。
Itwouldtaketoolongtoenumeratethethousandidiosyncrasiesofthecolor—blind；few，however，aremoreamusingthanthoseoftheimpulsivegentlemenwhoinvitepeopletotheirhomesindiscriminately，becausetheyhappentofeelinagoodhumororchancetobeseatednextthematanotherhouse，—invitationswhichthehostregretshalfanhourlater，andwouldwillinglyrecall。\"Ican’tthinkwhyI
askedtheSo—and—sos！\"hewillconfidetoyou。\"Ican’tabidethem；theyareasdullasthedropsy！\"ManyyearsagoinParis，weusedtocallacertainhospitablelady’sinvitations\"souptickets，\"solittleindividualitydidtheypossess。
Thesubtlelawsofmoralprecedencearedifficultreadingforthemostintelligent，andthereforeremainsealedbookstotheafflictedmortalsmentionedhere。Thedelicatetactthat，withnoapparenteffort，combinescongenialelementsintoadelightfulwholeislackingintheircomposition。Thenicediscriminationthatpresidesoversomehouseholdsisreplacedbyajovialindifferencetootherpersons’feelingsandprejudices。
TheideaofplacingprettyMissDebutantenextyoungStrongboysinsteadofgivingheroverintotheclutchesofoldMr。Boremorewillneverentertheseobtuseentertainers’
heads，anymorethanthatoftryingtokeeppoor，defencelessMrs。MouseoutofyoungTomCat’sclaws。
Itisuselesstoenumerateinstances；peoplehavesufferedtooseverelyatthehandsofcarelessandincompetenthostsnottoknowprettywellwhatthetitleofthispapermeans。Somanyofushavecomeawayfromfruitlessevenings，grindingourteeth，andvowingnevertoenterthosedoorsagainwhilelifelasts，thatthetimeseemsripeforaprotest。
Ifthecolor—blindwouldonlyrefrainfrompainting，andthetone—deafnotinsistoninvitingonetotheirconcerts，theworldwouldbeamuchmoreagreeableplace。Ifpeoplewouldonlylearnwhattheycanandwhattheycan’tdo，andleavethelatterfeatsalone，avastamountofunnecessaryannoyancewouldbeavoidedandthetiresomeoldgrindstoneturntoamorecheerfultune。
Chapter8—IdlinginMid—OceanTOthosefortunatemortalsfromwhomPoseidonexactsnotributeincrossinghisbroaddomain，atransatlanticvoyagemustaffordeachyearanevernewdelight。Thecaresandworriesofexistencefadeawayanddisappearincompanywiththeland，inthedeepbosomoftheoceanburied。Onenolongerfeelsliketheboredmortalwhohasallwinterturnedthemillstoneofworkandpleasure，butseemstohavetransmigratedintoanewbody，endowedwitharavenousappetiteandperfectlyfreshsensations。
Perhapsitisonlythenoveltyofthesurroundings；butasI
liesomnolentinmychair，tuckedintoacornerofthewhitedeck，watchingthejade—coloredwaterrushpastbelow，andthesea—gullscirclegaylyoverhead，theSUMMUMBONUMofearthlycontentmentseemsattained。Thebookchosenwithcareremainsuncut；thesenseofphysicalandmentalrestistooexquisitetobebrokenbyanyeffort，eventhereadingofafavoriteauthor。
Drowsylapsesintounconsciousnessobscurethesenses，likethetransparentcloudsthatfromtimetotimedimthesunlight。Adistantbellinthewheel—housechimesthelazyhalf—hours。Groupsofpeoplecomeandgolikefiguresonalantern—slide。Acuriouslydetachedreelingmakesthesceneandtheactorsinitasunrealasapaintedshipmannedbyashadowycrew。Theinevitablechildtumblesonitsfaceandispickedupshriekingbytenderparents；energeticyouthsorganizegamesofskillordiscoverwhalesonthehorizon，withoutdisturbingone’sphilosophiccalm。
Icongratulatemyselfonhavingchosenaforeignline。Foraweekatleastnofamiliarnamewillbespoken，noaccustomedfaceappear。Thegallingharnessofroutineisloosened；onebreathesfreelyagainconsciousoftheunoccupiedhoursinperspective。
Thewelcomesummonstoluncheoncomesasapleasantshock。Isitpossiblethatthemorninghaspassed？Itseemstohavebutcommenced。Irousemyselfanddescendtothecabin。TowardtheendofthemealarubicundFrenchmanoppositemakesthestartlingpropositionthatifIwishtosendamessagehomehewillundertaketohaveitdelivered。ItisnotuntilInoticethelittlesquareofoiledpaperheisholdingouttomethatIunderstandthisreferencetothe\"pigeonpost\"withwhichtheCompagnieTransatlantiqueisexperimenting。AttheinvitationofthisnewacquaintanceIascendtotheupperdeckandwatchhisbirdsdepart。
Thetinybitsofpaperonwhichwehavewritten（post—cardfashion）messageandaddressarerolledtwoorthreetogether，andinsertedintoapieceofquilllessthantwoincheslong，which，however，theydonotentirelyfill。Whileapigeonisheldbyoneman，anotherpushesoneofthebird’stail—
featherswellthroughthequill，whichisthenfastenedinitsplacebytwominutewoodenwedges。Amomentlaterthepigeonistossedupintotheair，andwewitnesstheworkingofthatmysteriousinstinctwhichallourmodernscienceleavesunexplained。Afteraturnortwofarupintheclearsky，thebirdgetsitsbearingsanddartsoffonitsfive—hundred—milejourneyacrossunknownseastoanunseenland—avoyagethatnodeviationorloiteringwilllengthen，andonlyfatigueoraccidentinterrupt，untilhealightsathiscote。
Fiveofthesewillingmessengerswerestartedthefirstdayout，andfivemorewillleaveto—morrow，poorlittleaerialpostmen，almostpredestinedtodestruction（inthelattercase），forweshallthenbesofarfromlandthattheironechanceoflifeandhomemustdependonfindingsomefriendlymastwhereanhour’srestmaybetakenbeforethebirdstartsagainonhisjourney。
Intwoorthreedays，accordingtotheweather，weshallbeginsendingFrenchpigeonsonaheadofustowardHavre。Thegentlemaninchargeofthemtellsmethathiswifereceivedallthemessageshesenttoherduringhiswestwardtrip，thebirdsappearingeachmorningatherwindow（whereshewasinthehabitfeedingthem）withtheirtidingsfrommid—ocean。HealsotellsmethattheFrenchfleetintheMediterraneanrecentlyreceivedmessagesfromtheircomradesintheBalticonthethirddaybythesefeatheredenvoys。
Itishopedthatinfutureoceansteamerswillbeabletokeepupcommunicationwiththelandatleastfouroutofthesevendaysoftheirtrips，sothat，incaseofdelayoraccident，theirexactpositionandcircumstancescanbemadeknownatheadquarters。Itisapity，theoriginatoroftheschemeremarked，thatsea—gullsaresuchhopelessvagabonds，fortheycanflymuchgreaterdistancesthanpigeons，andarenotaffectedbydampness，whichseriouslycripplesthepresentmessengers。
Laterinthedayacompatriot，inspireddoubtlessbythemorning’sexperiment，confidedtomethathehadhiton\"agreatscheme，\"whichheintendstodeveloponarriving。HisideaistodomesticatefamiliesofporpoisesatHavreandNewYork，asthatfishpassesforhaving（likethepigeon）thehominginstinct。Shipsprovidedwiththeparentfishcanfreeoneeverytwenty—fourhours，chargedwiththemorning’smail。
Theinventorofthisluminousideahasalreadydesignedtheletter—boxesthataretobestrappedonthefishes’backs，anddecidedonaneatuniformforhispostmen。
Itisamusingduringthefirstdays\"out\"towatchthepeoplewhomchancehasthrowntogetherintosuchclosequarters。Theoccultpowerthatimpelsapigeontoseekitskindisfeebleincomparisonwiththefacultythattravellersdevelopunderthesecircumstancesforseekingoutcongenialspirits。Twelvehoursdonotpassbeforeaffinitiesdrawtogether；whatwasapparentlyahomogeneousmasshasbythattimegroupedandarrangeditselfintothreeorfourdistinctcircles。
The\"sporty\"gentlemeninloudclotheshaveunitedinthebondsoffriendshipwiththetravellingagentsandhavechosenthesmoking—roomastheirheadquarters。Nomellowsunsetorserenemoonlightwilltemptthesecomradesfromthesubtletiesofpoker；thepoolontherunistheeventoftheirday。
Aportlyprimadonnaisthecentreofanothercircle。Herwraps，herdogs，heradmirers，andherbrand—newhusband（ahandsomeyoungHungarianwithavoiceliketwoBacianbulls）
fillthesitting—room，wherethepianogetsbutlittlerest。
Neithersunshinenorsoftwindscandrawthemtothedeck。
Althoughtooillfortheregularmeals，thisgroupeatanddrinkduringfifteenoutofthetwenty—fourhours。
Thedeck，however，isnotdeserted；twofashionabledressmakersrevelthere。ThesesociableladiesaskedtheCOMMISSAIREatthestart\"tointroducealltheyoungunmarriedmentothem，\"astheywantedtobejolly。Theyhaveanumerouscourtaroundthem，andchampagne，liketheconversation，flowsfreely。Theseladieshavealreadybecomeexpertatshuffleboard，buttheir\"sealegs\"arenotsogoodasmightbeexpected，andthedamesrequiretobecaughtandsupportedbytheiradmirersateachmomenttopreventthemfromtripping—animmensejoke，tojudgebythepealsoflaughterthatfollow。
TheAmericanwifeofaFrenchambassadorsitsonthecaptain’sright。AturnofthediplomaticwheelistakingtheladytoMadrid，whereherpositionwillcallforsupremetactandself—restraint。Onefeelsathrillofnationalprideonlookingatherhigh—bredyoungfaceandlisteningasshechatsinFrenchandSpanish，andwondersoncemoreatthemarvellousfacultyourwomenhaveofadaptingthemselvessograciouslyandsonaturallytodifficultpositions，whichthewomenofothernationsrarelyfillwellunlessborntothepurple。ItisthehighopinionIhaveofmycountrywomenthathasmademecavil，beforenow，onseeingthemturnedintoelaboratelydressednullitiesbyfoolishandtooadoringhusbands。
Thevoyageiswearingitselfaway。Sunnydaysaresucceededbygraymornings，asexquisiteintheirway，whenonecanfeeltheshipfightagainstcontendingwindandwave，andshiverundertheblowsreceivedinastrugglewhichdashesthesaltsprayhighoverthedecks。Thereisanaromaintheairthenthatbreathesnewlifeintojadednerves，andstirsthedropofoldNorseblood，dormantinmostAmericanveins，intoquiveringecstasy。Onedreamsofthrowingoffthetrammelsofcivilizedexistenceandreturningtothefreelifeofolderdays。
ButhereisHavreglitteringinthedistanceagainstherbackgroundofchalkcliffs。Peoplecomeondeckinstrangelyconventionalclothesandwithdemurecitifiedairs。
Passengersofwhoseexistenceyouwereunawaresuddenlymaketheirappearance。Twofriendsmeetnearmeforthefirsttime。\"Hallo，Jones！\"saysoneofthem，\"areyoucrossing？\"
\"Yes，\"answersJones，\"areyou？\"
Thecompany’stughascomealongsidebythistime，bringingitsbudgetoflettersandtelegrams。Thebriefholidayisover。Withasighonecomesbacktothepositiveandthepresent，andpatientlyresumestheharnessoflife。
Chapter9—\"Climbers\"inEnglandTHEexpression\"LittleEnglander，\"muchusedoflatetodesignateaninhabitantoftheMotherIsleincontra—
distinctiontoothersubjectsofHerMajesty，expressesneatlythefeelingofourinsularcousinsnotonlyasregardsourselves，butalsothepositionaffectedtowardtheircolonialbrothersandsisters。
Haveyouevernoticedthatineverycirclethereissomeindividualassumingtodothingsbetterthanhiscomrades—toknowmore，dressbetter，runfaster，pronouncemorecorrectly？
Who，unlesspromptlysuppressed，willturntheconversationintoamonologuerelatingtohisownexploitsandopinions。
Todifferistobringdownhiscontemptuponyourdevotedhead！Toargueistimewasted！
Humannatureis，however，soconstitutedthatamanofthistypemostlysucceedsinhypnotizinghishearersintosharinghisestimateofhimself，andimpressinguponthemtheconvictionthatheisararebeinginsteadofacommonplacemortal。Heisnotabadsortofpersonatbottom，andreadytodooneafriendlyturn—ifitdoesnotentailtoogreatinconvenience。Inshort，agoodfellow，whoseprincipaldefectistheprofoundconvictionthathewasbornsuperiortotherestofmankind。
Whatthisindividualistohisenvironment，Englishmenaretotheworldatlarge。Itisthemisfortune，notthefault，oftherestofthehumanrace，thattheyarenotnativetohisisland；afact，bytheway，whichoutsidersarerarelyallowedtolosesightof，asitentailsabecomingmodestyontheirpart。
FewidiosyncrasiesgetmorequicklyonAmericannervesorarefurtherfromourheartyattitudetowardstrangers。AswearefarfromlookinguponwanderingEnglishmenwithsuspicion，ittakesussometimetorealizethatAmericanswhocutawayfromtheircountrymenandsettlefarfromhomeareregardedwithdistrustandreluctantlyreceived。Whenafamilyofthiskindpreparestoliveintheirneighborhood，Britonshaveaformulaofthreequestionstheyaskthemselvesconcerningthenew—
comers：\"Whomdotheyknow？Howmucharetheyworth？\"and\"Whatamusement（orprofit）arewelikelytogetoutofthem？\"
Iftheanswertoalloranyofthethreequeriesissatisfactory，mylordmakesthenecessaryadvancesandbecomesanagreeable，ifnotawittyororiginal，companion。
Giventhisandanumberofotherpeculiarities，itseemscuriousthatacertainclassofAmericansshouldbesoanxioustoliveinEngland。Whatisittemptsthem？Itcannotbetheclimate，forthatisvile；northecityofLondon，foritisoneoftheugliestinexistence；northeir\"cuisine\"—foralthoughwearenotgoodcooksourselves，weknowwhatgoodfoodisandcouldgiveBritonspoints。Neithercanitbeart，northeopera，—onefindsbothbetterathomeorontheContinentthaninEngland。Soitmustbesociety，andhereone’swonderdeepens！
WhenIhearfriendsjustbackfromastayoverthereenlargingonthecharmsof\"countrylife，\"oraLondon\"season，\"Ilookattentivelytoseeiftheyareinearnest，soincomparablydullhaveIalwaysfoundEnglishhousepartiesortownentertainments。Atleastthatsideofsocietywhichtheclimbingstrangermostlyaffects。Othercirclesarecharming，ifabitslow，andthe\"Bohemia\"andsemi—BohemiaofLondonhaveadelicateflavoroftheirown。
Countysociety，thatideallifesoattractivetoAmericanreadersofBritishnovels，is，takenonthewhole，themostinsipidexistenceconceivable。Thewomenlackthesparkleandcharmofours；themen，whoareoutalldayshootingorhuntingaccordingtotheseason，getbacksofaggedthatiftheydonotactuallydropasleepatthedinner—table，theywillnapimmediatelyafter，brighteningonlywhentheladieshaveretired，when，witheveningdresschangedforcomfortablesmokingsuits，thehunterscongregateinthebilliard—roomforcigarsandbrandyandseltzer。
AparticularlyagreeableAmericanwoman，whosehusbandinsistsongoingeverywintertoMelton—Mowbrayforthehunting，wasdescribingtheotherdaythelifethereamongthewomen，andexpressingherwonderthatthosewhodidnothuntcouldrefrainfromblowingouttheirbrains，soawfulwasthedulnessandmonotony！Shehadendedbynotdiningoutatall，havingdiscoveredthattheconversationneverbyanychancedeviatedfarfromthekneesofthehorsesandtheheightofthehedges！
WhichremindsoneofThackerayrelatinghowhehadlongedtoknowwhatwomentalkedaboutwhentheywerealoneafterdinner，imaginingittobeonmysteriousandthrillingsubjects，untiloneeveningheoverheardsuchaconversationandfounditturnedentirelyonchildrenandailments！Asregardswit，theEnglishareliketheOrientalpotentatewhoataballinEuropeexpressedhisastonishmentthatthegueststookthetroubletodanceandgetthemselveshotanddishevelled，explainingthatintheEasthepaidpeopletodothatforhim。InEngland\"amusers\"areinvitedexpresslytobefunny；anythingutteredbyoneofthesedelightfulindividualsissuretobereceivedwithmuchlaughter。Itissosimplethatway！Oneispreparedandknowswhentolaugh。
Whereasamateurwitisconfusing。WhenanAmericanIknew，turningoverthebooksonadrawing—roomtableandfindingHare’sWALKSINLONDON，intwovolumes，said，\"Soyoupartyourhairinthemiddleoverhere，\"theremarkwasreceivedinsilence，andwithlooksofpolitesurprise。
Itisnotnecessary，however，toaccumulateproofsthatthismuchdescribedsocietyislessintelligentthanourown。
Theirauthorshaveacknowledgedit，andwelltheymay。ForfromScottandDickensdowntoHallCaine，AmericanappreciationhasgonefartowardestablishingthereputationofEnglishwritersathome。
InspiteoflackofhumorandathousandotherdefectswhichoughttomakeEnglishswelldomantagonistictoourcountrymen，thefactremainsthat\"smart\"LondontemptsacertainnumberofAmericansandhasbecomeapromisedland，towardwhichtheyturnlongingeyes。Youwillalwaysfindafewofthesevotariesoverthereinthe\"season，\"strugglingbravelyupthesocialcurrent，makingacquaintances，spendingmoneyatcharitysales，givingdinnersandfetes，takinghousesatAscotandfillingthemwiththeirnewfriends’friends。Withmoreorlesssuccessasthenew—comershavebeenabletoreturnsatisfactoryanswerstothethreeprimaryquestions。
WhatAmericansarethese，whoforceustoblushfortheminfinitelymorethanfortheunletteredtouriststrottingconscientiouslyaroundthecountry，doingthesightsandaskingforsoda—waterandbuckwheatcakesatthehotels！
Anyonewhohasbeenanobserverofthegenus\"Climber\"athome，andwonderedattheirwayandcourage，willrecognizetheseambitioussoulsabroad；fiveminutes’conversationisenough。Itisneveraboutaplacethattheytalk，butofthepeopletheyknow。LondontothemisnotthecityofDickens。
ItisaplacewhereonemaymeetthePrinceofWalesandperhapsobtainanentranceintohisset。
Onedescriptionwillcovermostclimbers。Theyare，asarule，peoplewhostarthumblyinsomesmallcity，thenwhenfortunecomes，pushontoNewYorkandNewport，wheretheycarryallbeforethemandmaketheirhousescentresandthemselvespowers。Nextcomesthediscoverythatthecircleintowhichtheyhaveforcedtheirwayisnotnearlyasattractiveasitappearedfromadistance。Consequentlythatvaguedisappointmentisfeltwhichmostofusexperienceonattainingalongdesiredgoal—theunsatisfactorinessofsuccess！MuchthesamesensationascausedpoorDuMauriertoanswer，whenaskedshortlybeforehisdeathwhyhelookedsoglum，\"I’msouredbysuccess！\"
Sotrueisthisofallhumannaturethatthefollowingrecipemightbegivenfortheattainmentofperfecthappiness：\"Beginfardowninanywalkoflife。Risebyyoureffortshighereachyear，andthenbecarefultodiebeforediscoveringthatthereisnothingatthetop。Theexcitementofthestruggle—
`theraptureofthechase’—aregreaterjoysthanachievement。\"
Ourambitiousfriendsnaturallyignorethisbitofphilosophy。
Whenitisdiscoveredthatthe\"world\"athomehasgivenbutanunsatisfactoryreturnforcashandconniving，itoccurstothemthatthefaultliesinthecircle，andtheyassumethattheirparticulartalentsrequirealargerfield。Havingconqueredallinsight，thesesocialAlexanderspineforanewworld，whichgenerallyturnsouttobethe\"Old，\"soacrossingismade，andthe\"ConquestofEngland\"begunwithalltheenthusiasmandpushemployedonstartingoutfromthelittlenativecitytwentyyearsbefore。
ItisinVictoria’srealmthatfoemenworthyoftheirsteelawaittheconquerors。Homesocietywasatooeasyprey，openingitsdoorsandlayingdownitsarmsatthefirstsummons。InEnglandthenew—comersfindthattheirlittlegamehasbeenplayedbefore；and，well，whattheyimaginedwasadiscoveryprovestobealong—studiedsciencewith\"DONNANT！
DONNANT！\"asitsfundamentallaw。Wilyopponentswithtrumpcardsintheirhandsandaprofoundknowledgeof\"Hoyle\"
smilinglyofferthemseats。Havingacquiredinahomegameaknowledgeof\"bluff，\"ourfriendsplungewithdelightintothefray，onlytofindEnglishsocietysoformedthat，climbtheyneversowisely，thetopcanneverbereached。Workashardastheymay，succeedevenbeyondtheirfondesthopes，therewillalwaysremaincirclesabove，towardwhichtoyearn—
peoplewhowillrefusetoknowthem，housestheywillneverbeinvitedtoenter。Thinkofthecharm，theattractionsuchacivilizationmusthavefortherealbornclimber，andyou，myreader，willunderstandwhycertainofourcompatriotsenjoylivinginEngland，andwhywhenoncetheintoxicatingdraught（suppliedtotheambitiousontheotherside）hasbeentasted，allhomeconcoctionsproveinsipid。
Chapter10—CALVEatCabrieresWHILEIwasmakinga\"cure\"lastyearatLamalou，anobscureSpaintheCevennesMountains，MadameCalve，towhomIhadexpressedadesiretoseeherpicturesquehome，telegraphedaninvitationtopassthedaywithher，namingthetrainshecouldmeet，whichwouldallowforthelongdrivetoherchateaubeforeluncheon。Itisneedlesstosaytheinvitationwasaccepted。Asmytraindrewupatthelittlestation，MadameCalve，inhertrap，wasthefirstpersonIsaw，andnotimewaslostingettingENROUTE。
Duringthehourpassedonthepoplar—borderedroadthatleadsstraightandwhiteacrossthecountryIhadtimetoappreciatethetransformationinthewomanatmyside。Wasthisgray—
clad，nunlikefigurethepassionate，sensuousCarmenofBizet’smasterpiece？Couldthatcalm，paleface，crossedbyinnumerablelinesofsuffering，asaspider’swebliesonaflower，blazeandpantwithSappho’sguiltylove？
Somethingofthesethoughtsmusthaveappearedonmyface，forturningwithasmile，sheasked，\"Youfindmechanged？It’stheairofmyvillage。HereI’mmyself。EverywhereelseI’mdifferent。OnthestageIamanypartImaybeplaying，butamneverreallyhappyawayfrommyhillthere。\"Asshespoke，asun—bakedhamletcameinsight，huddledaroundthebaseoftwotalltowersthatrosecoolandgrayinthenoondayheat。
\"Allthatwing，\"sheadded，\"isarrangedfortheconvalescentgirlswhomIhavesentdowntomefromtheParishospitalsforacureoffreshairandsimplefood。Sixyearsago，justafterIhadboughtthisplace，aseriesofoperationsbecamenecessarywhichleftmeprostratedandanaemic。Notonicswereofbenefit。Igrewweakerdaybyday，untilthedoctorsbegantodespairofmylife。Finally，attheadviceofanoldwomanherewhopassesforbeingsomethingofacurer，Itriedtheexperimentorlyingfiveorsixhoursadaymotionlessinthesunlight。Itwasn’tlongbeforeIfeltlifecreepingbacktomypoorfeeblebody。Thehotsunofourmagicsouthwasamoresubtletonicthananydrug。Whenthecurewascomplete，Imadeupmymindthateachsummerthesamechanceshouldbeofferedtoasmanyofmysufferingsistersasthisoldplacecouldbemadetoaccommodate。\"
ThebellsontheshaggyTarbesponiesshewasdrivingalongtheLanguedocroaddrew，onnearingherresidence，anumberofpeasantchildrenfromtheirplay。
Astheruddyurchinsranshoutingaroundourcarriagewheelsandscrambledinthedustforthesouswethrewthem，myhostesspointedlaughingtoascrubbylittlegirlwithtomato—
coloredcheeksandtousleddarkhair，remarking，\"Ilookedlikethattwentyyearsagoandperformedjustthoseanticsonthisveryroad。Nopunishmentwouldkeepmeoffthehighway。
Thosepennies，ifI’mnotmistaken，willallbespentatthevillagepastrycook’swithinanhour。\"
Thiswassaidwithsuchatenderglanceatthechildrenthatonerealizedthegreatartistwasathomehere，surroundedbythepeopleshelovedandunderstood。Truetothe\"homing\"
instinctoftheFrenchpeasant，MadameCalve，whenfortunecametoher，boughtandpartiallyrestoredtheramblingchateauwhichatsunsetcastsitsshadowacrossthevillageofherbirth。SincethatdayeverymomentoffreedomfromprofessionallaborandeverypennyofherlargeincomearespentatCabrieres，building，planning，evenfarming，whenherhealthpermits。
\"Ithink，\"shecontinued，asweapproachedthechateau，\"thatthehappiestdayofmylife—andIhave，asyouknow，passedsomehoursworthliving，bothonandoffthestage—waswhen，thatwingcompleted，aParistrainbroughtthefirstoccupantsformytwentylittlebedrooms；nowordscantellthedelightitgivesmenowtoseethecolorcomingbacktomypatients’
palelipsandhearthemlaughingandsingingabouttheplace。
AsIamalwaysshortoffunds，theideaofabandoningthisworkistheonlyfearthefutureholdsforme。\"
Withthevivacitypeculiartohercharacter，mycompanionthenwhippeduphercobsandturnedtheconversationintogayerchannels。Fiveminuteslaterweclatteredoveradrawbridgeanddrewupinaroomycourtyard，halfblindingsunlightandhalfblueshadow，whereascoreofgirlswereoccupiedwithbooksandsewing。
Theluncheonbellwasringingasweascendedtheterracesteps。Afterahurriedfiveminutesforbrushingandwashing，wetookourplacesatalongtablesetinthecoolstonehall，guestsstoppinginthechateauoccupyingoneendaroundthechatelaine，theconvalescentsfillingtheotherseats。
ThosewhohaveonlyseenthecapriciousdivaonthestageorinParisiansalonscanformlittleideaoftheproprietressofCabrieres。Noshadeofcoquetryblurstheclearpictureofherhomelife。Thecappedandsabotedpeasantwomenwhowaitedonuswerenotmoresimpleintheirways。Severaltimesduringthemealsheleftherseattoinquireafterthecomfortofsomeinvalidgirlorinspectthecookingintheadjacentkitchen。Thesewanderingswerenot，however，allowedtodisturbtheconversation，whichflowedonafterthemellowFrenchfashion，enlivenedbymuchwitandgaybadinage。Oneofourhostess’sanecdotesatherownexpensewasespeciallyamusing。
\"WheninVenice，\"shetoldus，\"mostprimadonnasarecarriedtoandfromtheoperainsedanchairstoavoidtheriskofcoldsfromthedraughtygondolas。Thelastnightofmyinitialseasonthere，Iwasinformed，asthecurtainfell，thatanumberofVenetiannobleswereplanningtocarrymeintriumphtothehotel。WhenIdescendedfrommydressing—roomthecourtyardofthetheatrewasfilledwithmenindressclothes，bearinglanterns，whocaughtupthechairassoonasIwasseatedandcarrieditnoisilyacrossthecitytothehotel。Muchmovedbythisunusualhonor，Imountedtothebalconyofmyroom，fromwhichelevationIbowedmythanks，andthrewalltheflowersathandtomyescort。
\"Nextmorningthehotelproprietorappearedwithmycoffee，andafterhesitatingamoment，remarked：`Well，wemadeasuccessofitlastnight。IthasbeentelegraphedtoallthecapitalsofEurope！Ihopeyouwillnotthinkathousandfrancstoomuch，consideringtheadvertisement！’Inblankamazement，Iaskedwhathemeant。`Imeanthetriumphalprogress，’heanswered。`Ithoughtyouunderstood！Wealwaysorganizeoneforthe\"stars\"whovisitVenice。Themenwhocarriedyourchairlastnightwerethewaitersfromthehotels。Wehirethemonaccountoftheirdressclothes’！
Thinkofthedisillusion，\"addedCalve，laughing，\"andmydisgust，whenIthoughtofmyselfnaivelythrowingkissesandflowerstoagroupofSwissgarconsatfifteenfrancsahead。
Therewasnothingtodo，however，butpaythebillandswallowmychagrin！\"
Howmanyprettywomendoyousupposewouldtellsuchajokeuponthemselves？Anotherstoryshetoldusischaracteristicofherpeasantneighbors。
\"WhenIcamebackhereaftermyfirstseasoninSt。PetersburgandLondontheCURErequestedmetosingatourlocalfete。I
gladlyconsented，and，standingbyhissideonthestepsoftheMAIRIE，gavethegreatariafromtheHUGUENOTSinmybestmanner。Tomyastonishmenttheperformancewasreceivedincompletesilence。`PoorCalve，’Iheardanoldfriendofmymother’smurmur。`Hervoiceusedtobesonice，andnowit’sallgone！’Takinginthesituationataglance，Ithrewmyvoicewellupintomynoseandstartedoffonawell—knownprovincialsong，intheshrillfalsettoofourpeasantwomen。
Theeffectwasinstantaneous！Longbeforetheendtheperformancewasdrownedinthundersofapplause。Whichprovesthattobepopularasingermustadaptherselftoheraudience。\"
Luncheonover，werepairedforcigarettesandcoffeetoanupperroom，whereCalvewasgivingDagnan—Bouveretsomesittingsforaportrait，andlingeredthereuntilfouro’clock，whenourhostessleftusforhersiesta，anda\"break\"tookthosewhocaredfortheexcursionacrossthevalleytoinspecttheruinsofaRomanbath。Alatedinnerbroughtustogetheragaininasmalldiningroom，theconvalescentshavingeatentheirsimplemealanddisappearedanhourbefore。Duringthistime，anothertransformationhadtakenplaceinourmercurialhostess！ItwastheCalveofParis，Calvethewitch，CalvetheCAPITEUSE，whopresidedatthedainty，flower—deckedtableandledthelaughingconversation。
Afewnotesstruckonaguitarbyoneoftheparty，aswesatanhourlateronthemoonlitterrace，wereenoughtostartofftheversatileartist，whowasinhergayesthumor。Shesangusstraybitsofopera，alternatinghermusicwithscenesburlesquedfromrecentplays。Nooneescapedherinimitablemimicry，noteventhe\"divineSarah，\"CalvegivingusanunpayableimpersonationoftheelderlyTRAGEDIENNEasLorenzaccio，theboyheroofAlfreddeMusset’sdrama。
BurlesquingledtoherdancingsomeSpanishstepswithanabandonneverattemptedonthestage！WhichinturngaveplacetoanimitationofanAmericanwhistlinganairfromCARMEN，andsome\"coonsongs\"shehadpickedupduringherstayatNewYork。They，again，weresucceededbyasuperbrenderingoftheimprecationfromRacine’sCAMILLE，whichmadeheraudiencerealizethatingainingasopranotheworldhaslost，perhaps，itsgreatestTRAGEDIENNE。
Ateleveno’clocktheclatterofhoofsinthecourtwarnedusthatthepleasanteveninghadcometoanend。AjournalistEN
ROUTEforPariswassooninstalledwithmeinthelittleomnibusthatwastotakeustothestation，Calveherselflightingourcigarsandprovidingthewrapsthatweretokeepoutthecoolnightair。
Aswepassedunderthelowarchwayoftheentranceamidaclamorof\"adieu\"and\"aurevoir，\"theyoungFrenchmanatmysidepointeduptoarowofclosedwindowsoverhead。\"Isn’titalesson，\"hesaid，\"forallofus，tothinkoftheoccupantsofthoselittlerooms，whomthegenerosityandcareofthatgraciousartistareleaningbysuchpleasantpathsbacktohealthandcouragefortheirtoilsomelives？\"
Chapter11—ACryForFreshAir\"ONCEuponatime，\"readsthefamiliarnurserytale，whilethefairies，invitedbyakingandqueentothechristeningoftheirdaughter，wereshoweringgoodgiftsonthebabyprincess，adisgruntledoldwitch，whomnoonehadthoughtofaskingtotheceremony，appeareduninvitedonthesceneandrevengedherselfbydecreeingthatthepresentsofthegoodfairies，insteadofprovingbeneficial，shouldbringonlytroubleandembarrassmenttotheroyalinfant。
Atellinganalogymightbedrawnbetweenthatunhappyprincessoverwhosefatesomanyyouthfultearshavebeenshed，andtheconditionofourinvention—riddencountry；forweseeeverydayhowthegoodgiftsofthosenineteenthcenturyfairies，ScienceandIndustry，insteadofprovingblessingstomankind，arebeingturnedbyignoranceandstupidityintoveritableafflictions。
IfapropheticgentlemanhadtoldLouisFourteenth’sshiveringcourtiers—whomanironetiquetteforcedonwintermorningsintothe（appropriatelynamed）GaleriedesGlaces，stampingtheirsilk—cladfeetandblowingontheirbluefingers，untilthekingshouldappear—thatwithinacenturyandahalfonesimplediscoverywouldenableallclassesofpeopletokeeptheirshopsanddwellingsatasummertemperaturethroughtheseverestwinters，thehalf—frozennobleswouldhavefloutedthesuggestionasan\"iridescentdream，\"asortoftoo—good—
to—be—trueprophecy。
Whatwastothosenoblemenanunheard—ofluxuryhasbecomewithinthelastdecadeoneoftheprimarynecessitiesofourlife。
Thequestionarisesnow：Arewegainersbythechange？Hastheindiscriminateuseofheatbeenofadvantage，eithermentallyorphysically，tothenation？
Theincubusofcaloricthatsitsonourgaspingcountryisparticularlypainfulatthisseason，whennatureundertakestodoherownheating。
Inotherless—favoredlands，thefirstspringdays，theexquisiteawakeningoftheworldafteralongwinter，bringtotheinhabitantsasensationofjoyandrenewedvitality。We，however，havediscountedthatenjoyment。Delicategradationsoftemperaturearelostonpeoplewhohavebeenstewingforsixmonthsinamixtureofsteamandtwice—breathedair。
WhatpleasurecananearlyAprildayaffordthemanwhohassleptinanover—heatedflatandishurryingtoanofficewhereeightydegreesistheaveragealltheyearround？Orthepaleshop—girl，whocomplainsifabreathofmorningairstraysintothesuburbantrainwheresheisseated？
Aspeoplewhohabituallyusesuch\"relishes\"asChutneyandWorcestershireareincapableofappreciatingdelicatelypreparedfood，sothe\"soft\"mortalswhohaveaccustomedthemselvestoaperpetualAugustareinsensibletofineshadingsoftemperature。
TheotherdayIwentwithafriendtoinspectsomeroomshehadbeendecoratinginoneofourpublicschools。Themorninghadbeenfrosty，butbyeleveno’clockthesunwarmedtheairuncomfortably。Onenteringtheschoolweweremetbyablastofheatedairthatwaspositivelystaggering。Intherecitationrooms，where，asinallNewYorkschoolrooms，thechildrenwerepackedlikedominoesinabox，thetemperaturecouldnothavebeenundereighty—five。
Thepale，spectacledspinsterincharge，towhomwecomplainedofthis，wasastonishedandoffendedatwhatsheconsideredourinterference，andansweredthat\"thechildrenlikeditwarm，\"asforherselfshe\"hadacoldandcouldnotthinkofopeningawindow。\"Iftheroomsweretoowarmitwasthejanitor’sfault，andhehadgoneout！
Twelveo’clockstruckbeforewehadfinishedourtourofinspection。Itistobedoubtedifanywhereelseintheworldcouldtherebefoundsuchaprocessionofpasty—faced，dull—
eyedyoungstersastroopedpastusdownthestairs。Theirappearancewasthenaturalresultofcompellingchildrendressedforwinterweathertositmanyhourseachdayinhothouses，moresuitedtotropicalplantsthantogrowinghumanbeings。
