Youhavebeenblownupbyapatentgaslamp——\"
Hesaid：\"Ireallythink，youknow，thatwasmyfault；IthinkI
musthavescrewedituptootight。\"
Isaid：\"Iamquitewillingtobelievethatiftherewasawrongwayofhandlingthethingthatisthewayyouhandleit。Youshouldtakethattendencyofyoursintoconsideration；itbearsupontheargument。Myself，Ididnotnoticewhatyoudid；IonlyknowwewereridingpeacefullyandpleasantlyalongtheWhitbyRoad，discussingtheThirtyYears’War，whenyourlampwentofflikeapistol—shot。Thestartsentmeintotheditch；andyourwife’sface，whenItoldhertherewasnothingthematterandthatshewasnottoworry，becausethetwomenwouldcarryyouupstairs，andthedoctorwouldberoundinaminutebringingthenursewithhim，stilllingersinmymemory。\"
Hesaid：\"Iwishyouhadthoughttopickupthelamp。Ishouldliketohavefoundoutwhatwasthecauseofitsgoingofflikethat。\"
Isaid：\"Therewasnottimetopickupthelamp。Icalculateitwouldhavetakentwohourstohavecollectedit。Astoits’goingoff，’themerefactofitsbeingadvertisedasthesafestlampeverinventedwouldofitself，toanyonebutyou，havesuggestedaccident。Thentherewasthatelectriclamp，\"Icontinued。
\"Well，thatreallydidgiveafinelight，\"hereplied；\"yousaidsoyourself。\"
Isaid：\"ItgaveabrilliantlightintheKing’sRoad，Brighton，andfrightenedahorse。ThemomentwegotintothedarkbeyondKempTownitwentout，andyouweresummonedforridingwithoutalight。Youmayrememberthatonsunnyafternoonsyouusedtorideaboutwiththatlampshiningforallitwasworth。Whenlighting—
uptimecameitwasnaturallytired，andwantedarest。\"
\"Itwasabitirritating，thatlamp，\"hemurmured；\"Irememberit。\"
Isaid：\"Itirritatedme；itmusthavebeenworseforyou。Thentherearesaddles，\"Iwenton——Iwishedtogetthislessonhometohim。\"CanyouthinkofanysaddleeveradvertisedthatyouhaveNOTtried？\"
Hesaid：\"Ithasbeenanideaofminethattherightsaddleistobefound。\"
Isaid：\"Yougiveupthatidea；thisisanimperfectworldofjoyandsorrowmingled。Theremaybeabetterlandwherebicyclesaddlesaremadeoutofrainbow，stuffedwithcloud；inthisworldthesimplestthingistogetusedtosomethinghard。TherewasthatsaddleyouboughtinBirmingham；itwasdividedinthemiddle，andlookedlikeapairofkidneys。\"
Hesaid：\"Youmeanthatoneconstructedonanatomicalprinciples。\"
\"Verylikely，\"Ireplied。\"Theboxyouboughtitinhadapictureonthecover，representingasittingskeleton——orratherthatpartofaskeletonwhichdoessit。\"
Hesaid：\"Itwasquitecorrect；itshowedyouthetruepositionofthe——\"
Isaid：\"Wewillnotgointodetails；thepicturealwaysseemedtomeindelicate。\"
Hesaid：\"Medicallyspeaking，itwasright。\"
\"Possibly，\"Isaid，\"foramanwhorodeinnothingbuthisbones。
IonlyknowthatItrieditmyself，andthattoamanwhoworefleshitwasagony。Everytimeyouwentoverastoneorarutitnippedyou；itwaslikeridingonanirritablelobster。Yourodethatforamonth。\"
\"Ithoughtitonlyrighttogiveitafairtrial，\"heanswered。
Isaid：\"Yougaveyourfamilyafairtrialalso；ifyouwillallowmetheuseofslang。Yourwifetoldmethatneverinthewholecourseofyourmarriedlifehadsheknownyousobadtempered，soun—Christianlike，asyouwerethatmonth。Thenyourememberthatothersaddle，theonewiththespringunderit。\"
Hesaid：\"Youmean’theSpiral。’\"
Isaid：\"ImeantheonethatjerkedyouupanddownlikeaJack—
in—the—box；sometimesyoucamedownagainintherightplace，andsometimesyoudidn’t。Iamnotreferringtothesemattersmerelytorecallpainfulmemories，butIwanttoimpressyouwiththefollyoftryingexperimentsatyourtimeoflife。\"
Hesaid。\"Iwishyouwouldn’tharpsomuchonmyage。Amanatthirty—four——\"
\"Amanatwhat？\"
Hesaid：\"Ifyoudon’twantthething，don’thaveit。Ifyourmachinerunsawaywithyoudownamountain，andyouandGeorgegetflungthroughachurchroof，don’tblameme。\"
\"IcannotpromiseforGeorge，\"Isaid；\"alittlethingwillsometimesirritatehim，asyouknow。Ifsuchanaccidentasyousuggesthappen，hemaybecross，butIwillundertaketoexplaintohimthatitwasnotyourfault。\"
\"Isthethingallright？\"heasked。
\"Thetandem，\"Ireplied，\"iswell。\"
Hesaid：\"Haveyouoverhauledit？\"
Isaid：\"Ihavenot，norisanyoneelsegoingtooverhaulit。Thethingisnowinworkingorder，anditisgoingtoremaininworkingordertillwestart。\"
Ihavehadexperienceofthis\"overhauling。\"TherewasamanatFolkestone；IusedtomeethimontheLees。Heproposedoneeveningweshouldgoforalongbicycleridetogetheronthefollowingday，andIagreed。Igotupearly，forme；Imadeaneffort，andwaspleasedwithmyself。Hecamehalfanhourlate：I
waswaitingforhiminthegarden。Itwasalovelyday。Hesaid：—
\"That’sagood—lookingmachineofyours。Howdoesitrun？\"
\"Oh，likemostofthem！\"Ianswered；\"easilyenoughinthemorning；
goesalittlestifflyafterlunch。\"
Hecaughtholdofitbythefrontwheelandtheforkandshookitviolently。
Isaid：\"Don’tdothat；you’llhurtit。\"
Ididnotseewhyheshouldshakeit；ithadnotdoneanythingtohim。Besides，ifitwantedshaking，Iwastheproperpersontoshakeit。IfeltmuchasIshouldhadhestartedwhackingmydog。
Hesaid：\"Thisfrontwheelwobbles。\"
Isaid：\"Itdoesn’tifyoudon’twobbleit。\"Itdidn’twobble，asamatteroffact——nothingworthcallingawobble。
Hesaid：\"Thisisdangerous；haveyougotascrew—hammer？\"
Ioughttohavebeenfirm，butIthoughtthatperhapshereallydidknowsomethingaboutthebusiness。IwenttothetoolshedtoseewhatIcouldfind。WhenIcamebackhewassittingonthegroundwiththefrontwheelbetweenhislegs。Hewasplayingwithit，twiddlingitroundbetweenhisfingers；theremnantofthemachinewaslyingonthegravelpathbesidehim。
Hesaid：\"Somethinghashappenedtothisfrontwheelofyours。\"
\"Itlookslikeit，doesn’tit？\"Ianswered。Buthewasthesortofmanthatneverunderstandssatire。
Hesaid：\"Itlookstomeasifthebearingswereallwrong。\"
Isaid：\"Don’tyoutroubleaboutitanymore；youwillmakeyourselftired。Letusputitbackandgetoff。\"
Hesaid：\"Wemayaswellseewhatisthematterwithit，nowitisout。\"Hetalkedasthoughithaddroppedoutbyaccident。
BeforeIcouldstophimhehadunscrewedsomethingsomewhere，andoutrolledalloverthepathsomedozenorsolittleballs。
\"Catch’em！\"heshouted；\"catch’em！Wemustn’tloseanyofthem。\"
Hewasquiteexcitedaboutthem。
Wegrovelledroundforhalfanhour，andfoundsixteen。Hesaidhehopedwehadgotthemall，because，ifnot，itwouldmakeaseriousdifferencetothemachine。Hesaidtherewasnothingyoushouldbemorecarefulaboutintakingabicycletopiecesthanseeingyoudidnotloseanyoftheballs。Heexplainedthatyououghttocountthemasyoutookthemout，andseethatexactlythesamenumberwentbackineachplace。Ipromised，ifeverItookabicycletopiecesIwouldrememberhisadvice。
Iputtheballsforsafetyinmyhat，andIputmyhatuponthedoorstep。Itwasnotasensiblethingtodo，Iadmit。Asamatteroffact，itwasasillythingtodo。Iamnotasaruleaddle—
headed；hisinfluencemusthaveaffectedme。
Hethensaidthatwhilehewasaboutithewouldseetothechainforme，andatoncebegantakingoffthegear—case。Ididtrytopersuadehimfromthat。Itoldhimwhatanexperiencedfriendofmineoncesaidtomesolemnly：—
\"Ifanythinggoeswrongwithyourgear—case，sellthemachineandbuyanewone；itcomescheaper。\"
Hesaid：\"Peopletalklikethatwhounderstandnothingaboutmachines。Nothingiseasierthantakingoffagear—case。\"
Ihadtoconfesshewasright。Inlessthanfiveminuteshehadthegear—caseintwopieces，lyingonthepath，andwasgrovellingforscrews。Hesaiditwasalwaysamysterytohimthewayscrewsdisappeared。
WewerestilllookingforthescrewswhenEthelberthacameout。
Sheseemedsurprisedtofindusthere；shesaidshethoughtwehadstartedhoursago。
Hesaid：\"Weshan’tbelongnow。I’mjusthelpingyourhusbandtooverhaulthismachineofhis。It’sagoodmachine；buttheyallwantgoingoveroccasionally。\"
Ethelberthasaid：\"Ifyouwanttowashyourselveswhenyouhavedoneyoumightgointothebackkitchen，ifyoudon’tmind；thegirlshavejustfinishedthebedrooms。\"
ShetoldmethatifshemetKatetheywouldprobablygoforasail；
butthatinanycaseshewouldbebacktolunch。Iwouldhavegivenasovereigntobegoingwithher。Iwasgettingheartilysickofstandingaboutwatchingthisfoolbreakingupmybicycle。
Commonsensecontinuedtowhispertome：\"Stophim，beforehedoesanymoremischief。Youhavearighttoprotectyourownpropertyfromtheravagesofalunatic。Takehimbythescruffoftheneck，andkickhimoutofthegate！\"
ButIamweakwhenitcomestohurtingotherpeople’sfeelings，andIlethimmuddleon。
Hegaveuplookingfortherestofthescrews。Hesaidscrewshadaknackofturningupwhenyouleastexpectedthem；andthatnowhewouldseetothechain。Hetightenedittillitwouldnotmove；
nextheloosenedituntilitwastwiceaslooseasitwasbefore。
Thenhesaidwehadbetterthinkaboutgettingthefrontwheelbackintoitsplaceagain。
Iheldtheforkopen，andheworriedwiththewheel。AttheendoftenminutesIsuggestedheshouldholdtheforks，andthatIshouldhandlethewheel；andwechangedplaces。Attheendofhisfirstminutehedroppedthemachine，andtookashortwalkroundthecroquetlawn，withhishandspressedtogetherbetweenhisthighs。
Heexplainedashewalkedthatthethingtobecarefulaboutwastoavoidgettingyourfingerspinchedbetweentheforksandthespokesofthewheel。IrepliedIwasconvinced，frommyownexperience，thattherewasmuchtruthinwhathesaid。Hewrappedhimselfupinacoupleofdusters，andwecommencedagain。Atlengthwedidgetthethingintoposition；andthemomentitwasinpositionheburstoutlaughing。
Isaid：\"What’sthejoke？\"
Hesaid：\"Well，Iamanass！\"
Itwasthefirstthinghehadsaidthatmademerespecthim。I
askedhimwhathadledhimtothediscovery。
Hesaid：\"We’veforgottentheballs！\"
Ilookedformyhat；itwaslyingtopsy—turvyinthemiddleofthepath，andEthelbertha’sfavouritehoundwasswallowingtheballsasfastashecouldpickthemup。
\"Hewillkillhimself，\"saidEbbson——Ihavenevermethimsincethatday，thanktheLord；butIthinkhisnamewasEbbson——\"theyaresolidsteel。\"
Isaid：\"Iamnottroublingaboutthedog。Hehashadabootlaceandapacketofneedlesalreadythisweek。Nature’sthebestguide；puppiesseemtorequirethiskindofstimulant。WhatIamthinkingaboutismybicycle。\"
Hewasofacheerfuldisposition。Hesaid：\"Well，wemustputbackallwecanfind，andtrusttoProvidence。\"
Wefoundeleven。Wefixedsixononesideandfiveontheother，andhalfanhourlaterthewheelwasinitsplaceagain。Itneedhardlybeaddedthatitreallydidwobblenow；achildmighthavenoticedit。Ebbsonsaiditwoulddoforthepresent。Heappearedtobegettingabittiredhimself。IfIhadlethim，hewould，I
believe，atthispointhavegonehome。Iwasdeterminednow，however，thatheshouldstopandfinish；Ihadabandonedallthoughtsofaride。Myprideinthemachinehehadkilled。Myonlyinterestlaynowinseeinghimscratchandbumpandpinchhimself。Irevivedhisdroopingspiritswithaglassofbeerandsomejudiciouspraise。Isaid：
\"Watchingyoudothisisofrealusetome。Itisnotonlyyourskillanddexteritythatfascinatesme，itisyourcheeryconfidenceinyourself，yourinexplicablehopefulness，thatdoesmegood。\"
Thusencouraged，hesettoworktorefixthegear—case。Hestoodthebicycleagainstthehouse，andworkedfromtheoffside。Thenhestooditagainstatree，andworkedfromthenearside。ThenI
helditforhim，whilehelayonthegroundwithhisheadbetweenthewheels，andworkedatitfrombelow，anddroppedoiluponhimself。Thenhetookitawayfromme，anddoubledhimselfacrossitlikeapack—saddle，tillhelosthisbalanceandslidoverontohishead。Threetimeshesaid：
\"ThankHeaven，that’srightatlast！\"
Andtwicehesaid：
\"No，I’mdamnedifitisafterall！\"
WhathesaidthethirdtimeItrytoforget。
Thenhelosthistemperandtriedbullyingthething。Thebicycle，Iwasgladtosee，showedspirit；andthesubsequentproceedingsdegeneratedintolittleelsethanarough—and—tumblefightbetweenhimandthemachine。Onemomentthebicyclewouldbeonthegravelpath，andheontopofit；thenext，thepositionwouldbereversed——heonthegravelpath，thebicycleonhim。Nowhewouldbestandingflushedwithvictory，thebicyclefirmlyfixedbetweenhislegs。Buthistriumphwouldbeshort—lived。Byasudden，quickmovementitwouldfreeitself，and，turninguponhim，hithimsharplyovertheheadwithoneofitshandles。
Ataquartertoone，dirtyanddishevelled，cutandbreeding，hesaid：\"Ithinkthatwilldo；\"androseandwipedhisbrow。
Thebicyclelookedasifitalsohadhadenoughofit。Whichhadreceivedmostpunishmentitwouldhavebeendifficulttosay。I
tookhimintothebackkitchen，where，sofaraswaspossiblewithoutsodaandpropertools，hecleanedhimself，andsenthimhome。
ThebicycleIputintoacabandtookroundtothenearestrepairingshop。Theforemanoftheworkscameupandlookedatit。
\"Whatdoyouwantmetodowiththat？\"saidhe。
\"Iwantyou，\"Isaid，\"sofarasispossible，torestoreit。\"
\"It’sabitfargone，\"saidhe；\"butI’lldomybest。\"
Hedidhisbest，whichcametotwopoundsten。Butitwasneverthesamemachineagain；andattheendoftheseasonIleftitinanagent’shandstosell。Iwishedtodeceivenobody；Iinstructedthemantoadvertiseitasalastyear’smachine。Theagentadvisedmenottomentionanydate。Hesaid：
\"Inthisbusinessitisn’taquestionofwhatistrueandwhatisn’t；it’saquestionofwhatyoucangetpeopletobelieve。Now，betweenyouandme，itdon’tlooklikealastyear’smachine；sofaraslooksareconcerned，itmightbeaten—yearold。We’llsaynothingaboutdate；we’lljustgetwhatwecan。\"
Ileftthemattertohim，andhegotmefivepounds，whichhesaidwasmorethanhehadexpected。
Therearetwowaysyoucangetexerciseoutofabicycle：youcan\"overhaul\"it，oryoucanrideit。Onthewhole，Iamnotsurethatamanwhotakeshispleasureoverhaulingdoesnothavethebestofthebargain。Heisindependentoftheweatherandthewind；thestateoftheroadstroubleshimnot。Givehimascrew—
hammer，abundleofrags，anoil—can，andsomethingtositdownupon，andheishappyfortheday。Hehastoputupwithcertaindisadvantages，ofcourse；thereisnojoywithoutalloy。Hehimselfalwayslookslikeatinker，andhismachinealwayssuggeststheideathat，havingstolenit，hehastriedtodisguiseit；butasherarelygetsbeyondthefirstmilestonewithit，this，perhaps，doesnotmuchmatter。Themistakesomepeoplemakeisinthinkingtheycangetbothformsofsportoutofthesamemachine。
Thisisimpossible；nomachinewillstandthedoublestrain。Youmustmakeupyourmindwhetheryouaregoingtobean\"overhauler\"
orarider。Personally，Iprefertoride，thereforeItakecaretohavenearmenothingthatcantemptmetooverhaul。WhenanythinghappenstomymachineIwheelittothenearestrepairingshop。IfIamtoofarfromthetownorvillagetowalk，Isitbytheroadsideandwaittillacartcomesalong。Mychiefdanger，I
alwaysfind，isfromthewanderingoverhauler。Thesightofabroken—downmachineistotheoverhaulerasawaysidecorpsetoacrow；heswoopsdownuponitwithafriendlyyelloftriumph。AtfirstIusedtotrypoliteness。Iwouldsay：
\"Itisnothing；don’tyoutrouble。Yourideon，andenjoyyourself，Ibegitofyouasafavour；pleasegoaway。\"
Experiencehastaughtme，however，thatcourtesyisofnouseinsuchanextremity。NowIsay：
\"Yougoawayandleavethethingalone，orIwillknockyoursillyheadoff。\"
Andifyoulookdetermined，andhaveagoodstoutcudgelinyourhand，youcangenerallydrivehimoff。
Georgecameinlaterintheday。Hesaid：
\"Well，doyouthinkeverythingwillbeready？\"
Isaid：\"EverythingwillbereadybyWednesday，except，perhaps，youandHarris。\"
Hesaid：\"Isthetandemallright？\"
\"Thetandem，\"Isaid，\"iswell。\"
Hesaid：\"Youdon’tthinkitwantsoverhauling？\"
Ireplied：\"Ageandexperiencehavetaughtmethattherearefewmattersconcerningwhichamandoeswelltobepositive。
Consequently，thereremaintomenowbutalimitednumberofquestionsuponwhichIfeelanydegreeofcertainty。Amongsuchstill—unshakenbeliefs，however，istheconvictionthatthattandemdoesnotwantoverhauling。Ialsofeelapresentimentthat，providedmylifeisspared，nohumanbeingbetweennowandWednesdaymorningisgoingtooverhaulit。\"
Georgesaid：\"Ishouldnotshowtemperoverthematter，ifIwereyou。Therewillcomeaday，perhapsnotfardistant，whenthatbicycle，withacoupleofmountainsbetweenitandthenearestrepairingshop，will，inspiteofyourchronicdesireforrest，HAVEtobeoverhauled。Thenyouwillclamourforpeopletotellyouwhereyouputtheoil—can，andwhatyouhavedonewiththescrew—hammer。Then，whileyouexertyourselfholdingthethingsteadyagainstatree，youwillsuggestthatsomebodyelseshouldcleanthechainandpumpthebackwheel。\"
IfelttherewasjusticeinGeorge’srebuke——alsoacertainamountofpropheticwisdom。Isaid：
\"ForgivemeifIseemedunresponsive。Thetruthis，Harriswasroundherethismorning——\"
Georgesaid：\"Saynomore；Iunderstand。Besides，whatIcametotalktoyouaboutwasanothermatter。Lookatthat。\"
Hehandedmeasmallbookboundinredcloth。ItwasaguidetoEnglishconversationfortheuseofGermantravellers。Itcommenced\"OnaSteam—boat，\"andterminated\"AttheDoctor’s\"；itslongestchapterbeingdevotedtoconversationinarailwaycarriage，among，apparently，acompartmentloadofquarrelsomeandill—manneredlunatics：\"Canyounotgetfurtherawayfromme，sir？\"——\"Itisimpossible，madam；myneighbour，here，isverystout\"——\"Shallwenotendeavourtoarrangeourlegs？\"——\"Pleasehavethegoodnesstokeepyourelbowsdown\"——\"Praydonotinconvenienceyourself，madam，ifmyshoulderisofanyaccommodationtoyou，\"
whetherintendedtobesaidsarcasticallyornot，therewasnothingtoindicate——\"Ireallymustrequestyoutomovealittle，madam，I
canhardlybreathe，\"theauthor’sideabeing，presumably，thatbythistimethewholepartywasmixeduptogetheronthefloor。Thechapterconcludedwiththephrase，\"Hereweareatourdestination，Godbethanked！（Gottseidank！）\"apiousexclamation，whichunderthecircumstancesmusthavetakentheformofachorus。
Attheendofthebookwasanappendix，givingtheGermantravellerhintsconcerningthepreservationofhishealthandcomfortduringhissojourninEnglishtowns，chiefamongsuchhintsbeingadvicetohimtoalwaystravelwithasupplyofdisinfectantpowder，toalwayslockhisbedroomdooratnight，andtoalwayscarefullycounthissmallchange。
\"Itisnotabrilliantpublication，\"Iremarked，handingthebookbacktoGeorge；\"itisnotabookthatpersonallyIwouldrecommendtoanyGermanabouttovisitEngland；Ithinkitwouldgethimdisliked。ButIhavereadbookspublishedinLondonfortheuseofEnglishtravellersabroadeverywhitasfoolish。Someeducatedidiot，misunderstandingsevenlanguages，wouldappeartogoaboutwritingthesebooksforthemisinformationandfalseguidanceofmodernEurope。\"
\"Youcannotdeny，\"saidGeorge，\"thatthesebooksareinlargerequest。Theyareboughtbythethousand，Iknow。IneverytowninEuropetheremustbepeoplegoingabouttalkingthissortofthing。\"
\"Maybe，\"Ireplied；\"butfortunatelynobodyunderstandsthem。I
havenoticed，myself，menstandingonrailwayplatformsandatstreetcornersreadingaloudfromsuchbooks。Nobodyknowswhatlanguagetheyarespeaking；nobodyhastheslightestknowledgeofwhattheyaresaying。Thisis，perhaps，aswell；weretheyunderstoodtheywouldprobablybeassaulted。\"
Georgesaid：\"Maybeyouareright；myideaistoseewhatwouldhappeniftheywereunderstood。MyproposalistogettoLondonearlyonWednesdaymorning，andspendanhourortwogoingaboutandshoppingwiththeaidofthisbook。ThereareoneortwolittlethingsIwant——ahatandapairofbedroomslippers，amongotherarticles。OurboatdoesnotleaveTilburytilltwelve，andthatjustgivesustime。IwanttotrythissortoftalkwhereI
canproperlyjudgeofitseffect。Iwanttoseehowtheforeignerfeelswhenheistalkedtointhisway。\"
Itstruckmeasasportingidea。InmyenthusiasmIofferedtoaccompanyhim，andwaitoutsidetheshop。IsaidIthoughtthatHarriswouldliketobeinit，too——orratheroutside。
Georgesaidthatwasnotquitehisscheme。HisproposalwasthatHarrisandIshouldaccompanyhimintotheshop。WithHarris，wholooksformidable，tosupporthim，andmyselfatthedoortocallthepoliceifnecessary，hesaidhewaswillingtoadventurethething。
WewalkedroundtoHarris’s，andputtheproposalbeforehim。Heexaminedthebook，especiallythechaptersdealingwiththepurchaseofshoesandhats。Hesaid：
\"IfGeorgetalkstoanybootmakeroranyhatterthethingsthatareputdownhere，itisnotsupporthewillwant；itiscarryingtothehospitalthathewillneed。\"
ThatmadeGeorgeangry。
\"Youtalk，\"saidGeorge，\"asthoughIwereafoolhardyboywithoutanysense。Ishallselectfromthemorepoliteandlessirritatingspeeches；thegrosserinsultsIshallavoid。\"
Thisbeingclearlyunderstood，Harrisgaveinhisadhesion；andourstartwasfixedforearlyWednesdaymorning。
CHAPTERIV
WhyHarrisconsidersalarmclocksunnecessaryinafamily——Socialinstinctoftheyoung——Achild’sthoughtsaboutthemorning——Thesleeplesswatchman——Themysteryofhim——Hisoveranxiety——Nightthoughts——Thesortofworkonedoesbeforebreakfast——Thegoodsheepandthebad——Disadvantagesofbeingvirtuous——Harris’snewstovebeginsbadly——Thedailyout—goingofmyUnclePodger——Theelderlycitymanconsideredasaracer——WearriveinLondon——Wetalkthelanguageofthetraveller。
GeorgecamedownonTuesdayevening，andsleptatHarris’splace。
Wethoughtthisabetterarrangementthanhisownsuggestion，whichwasthatweshouldcallforhimonourwayand\"pickhimup。\"
PickingGeorgeupinthemorningmeanspickinghimoutofbedtobeginwith，andshakinghimawake——initselfanexhaustingeffortwithwhichtocommencetheday；helpinghimfindhisthingsandfinishhispacking；andthenwaitingforhimwhileheeatshisbreakfast，atediousentertainmentfromthespectator’spointofview，fullofwearisomerepetition。
Iknewthatifhesleptat\"Beggarbush\"hewouldbeupintime；I
haveslepttheremyself，andIknowwhathappens。Aboutthemiddleofthenight，asyoujudge，thoughinrealityitmaybesomewhatlater，youarestartledoutofyourfirstsleepbywhatsoundslikearushofcavalryalongthepassage，justoutsideyourdoor。Yourhalf—awakenedintelligencefluctuatesbetweenburglars，theDayofJudgment，andagasexplosion。Yousitupinbedandlistenintently。Youarenotkeptwaitinglong；thenextmomentadoorisviolentlyslammed，andsomebody，orsomething，isevidentlycomingdownstairsonatea—tray。
\"Itoldyouso，\"saysavoiceoutside，andimmediatelysomehardsubstance，aheadonewouldsayfromtheringofit，reboundsagainstthepanelofyourdoor。
Bythistimeyouarechargingmadlyroundtheroomforyourclothes。Nothingiswhereyouputitovernight，thearticlesmostessentialhavedisappearedentirely；andmeanwhilethemurder，orrevolution，orwhateveritis，continuesunchecked。Youpauseforamoment，withyourheadunderthewardrobe，whereyouthinkyoucanseeyourslippers，tolistentoasteady，monotonousthumpinguponadistantdoor。Thevictim，youpresume，hastakenrefugethere；theymeantohavehimoutandfinishhim。Willyoubeintime？Theknockingceases，andavoice，sweetlyreassuringinitsgentleplaintiveness，asksmeekly：
\"Pa，mayIgetup？\"
Youdonotheartheothervoice，buttheresponsesare：
\"No，itwasonlythebath——no，sheain’treallyhurt，——onlywet，youknow。Yes，ma，I’lltell’emwhatyousay。No，itwasapureaccident。Yes；good—night，papa。\"
Thenthesamevoice，exertingitselfsoastobeheardinadistantpartofthehouse，remarks：
\"You’vegottocomeupstairsagain。Pasaysitisn’ttimeyettogetup。\"
Youreturntobed，andlielisteningtosomebodybeingdraggedupstairs，evidentlyagainsttheirwill。Byathoughtfularrangementthespareroomsat\"Beggarbush\"areexactlyunderneaththenurseries。Thesamesomebody，youconclude，stillofferingthemostcreditableopposition，isbeingputbackintobed。Youcanfollowthecontestwithmuchexactitude，becauseeverytimethebodyisflungdownuponthespringmattress，thebedstead，justaboveyourhead，makesasortofjump；whileeverytimethebodysucceedsinstrugglingoutagain，youareawarebythethuduponthefloor。Afteratimethestrugglewanes，ormaybethebedcollapses；andyoudriftbackintosleep。Butthenextmoment，orwhatseemstobethenextmoment，youagainopenyoureyesundertheconsciousnessofapresence。Thedoorisbeingheldajar，andfoursolemnfaces，piledoneontopoftheother，arepeeringatyou，asthoughyouweresomenaturalcuriositykeptinthisparticularroom。Seeingyouawake，thetopface，walkingcalmlyovertheotherthree，comesinandsitsonthebedinafriendlyattitude。
\"Oh！\"itsays，\"wedidn’tknowyouwereawake。I’vebeenawakesometime。\"
\"SoIgather，\"youreply，shortly。
\"Padoesn’tlikeustogetuptooearly，\"itcontinues。\"Hesayseverybodyelseinthehouseisliabletobedisturbedifwegetup。
So，ofcourse，wemustn’t。\"
Thetoneisthatofgentleresignation。Itisinstinctwiththespiritofvirtuouspride，arisingfromtheconsciousnessofself—
sacrifice。
\"Don’tyoucallthisbeingup？\"yousuggest。
\"Oh，no；we’renotreallyup，youknow，becausewe’renotproperlydressed。\"Thefactisself—evident。\"Pa’salwaysverytiredinthemorning，\"thevoicecontinues；\"ofcourse，that’sbecauseheworkshardallday。Areyouevertiredinthemorning？\"
Atthispointheturnsandnotices，forthefirsttime，thatthethreeotherchildrenhavealsoentered，andaresittinginasemi—
circleonthefloor。Fromtheirattitudeitiscleartheyhavemistakenthewholethingforoneoftheslowerformsofentertainment，somecomiclectureorconjuringexhibition，andarewaitingpatientlyforyoutogetoutofbedanddosomething。Itshockshim，theideaoftheirbeingintheguest’sbedchamber。Heperemptorilyordersthemout。Theydonotanswerhim，theydonotargue；indeadsilence，andwithoneaccordtheyfalluponhim。
Allyoucanseefromthebedisaconfusedtangleofwavingarmsandlegs，suggestiveofanintoxicatedoctopustryingtofindbottom。Notawordisspoken；thatseemstobetheetiquetteofthething。Ifyouaresleepinginyourpyjamas，youspringfromthebed，andonlyaddtotheconfusion；ifyouarewearingalessshowygarment，youstopwhereyouareandshoutcommands，whichareutterlyunheeded。Thesimplestplanistoleaveittotheeldestboy。Hedoesgetthemoutafterawhile，andclosesthedooruponthem。Itre—opensimmediately，andone，generallyMuriel，isshotbackintotheroom。Sheentersasfromacatapult。Sheishandicappedbyhavinglonghair，whichcanbeusedasaconvenienthandle。Evidentlyawareofthisnaturaldisadvantage，sheclutchesitherselftightlyinonehand，andpuncheswiththeother。Heopensthedooragain，andcleverlyusesherasabattering—ramagainstthewallofthosewithout。Youcanhearthedullcrashasherheadentersamongthem，andscattersthem。Whenthevictoryiscomplete，hecomesbackandresumeshisseatonthebed。Thereisnobitternessabouthim；hehasforgottenthewholeincident。
\"Ilikethemorning，\"hesays，\"don’tyou？\"
\"Somemornings，\"youagree，\"areallright；othersarenotsopeaceful。\"
Hetakesnonoticeofyourexception；afar—awaylookstealsoverhissomewhatetherealface。
\"Ishouldliketodieinthemorning，\"hesays；\"everythingissobeautifulthen。\"
\"Well，\"youanswer，\"perhapsyouwill，ifyourfathereverinvitesanirritablemantocomeandsleephere，anddoesn’twarnhimbeforehand。\"
Hedescendsfromhiscontemplativemood，andbecomeshimselfagain。
\"It’sjollyinthegarden，\"hesuggests；\"youwouldn’tliketogetupandhaveagameofcricket，wouldyou？\"
Itwasnottheideawithwhichyouwenttobed，butnow，asthingshaveturnedout，itseemsasgoodaplanaslyingtherehopelesslyawake；andyouagree。
Youlearn，laterintheday，thattheexplanationoftheproceedingisthatyou，unabletosleep，wokeupearlyinthemorning，andthoughtyouwouldlikeagameofcricket。Thechildren，taughttobeevercourteoustoguests，feltittheirdutytohumouryou。
Mrs。Harrisremarksatbreakfastthatatleastyoumighthaveseentoitthatthechildrenwereproperlydressedbeforeyoutookthemout；whileHarrispointsouttoyou，pathetically，how，byyouronemorning’sexampleandencouragement，youhaveundonehislabourofmonths。
OnthisWednesdaymorning，George，itseems，clamouredtogetupataquarter—pastfive，andpersuadedthemtolethimteachthemcyclingtricksroundthecucumberframesonHarris’snewwheel。
EvenMrs。Harris，however，didnotblameGeorgeonthisoccasion；
shefeltintuitivelytheideacouldnothavebeenentirelyhis。
ItisnotthattheHarrischildrenhavethefaintestnotionofavoidingblameattheexpenseofafriendandcomrade。Oneandalltheyarehonestyitselfinacceptingresponsibilityfortheirownmisdeeds。Itsimplyis，thatishowthethingpresentsitselftotheirunderstanding。Whenyouexplaintothemthatyouhadnooriginalintentionofgettingupatfiveo’clockinthemorningtoplaycricketonthecroquetlawn，ortomimicthehistoryoftheearlyChurchbyshootingwithacross—bowatdollstiedtoatree；
thatasamatteroffact，lefttoyourowninitiative，youwouldhavesleptpeacefullytillrousedinChristianfashionwithacupofteaateight，theyarefirstlyastonished，secondlyapologetic，andthirdlysincerelycontrite。Inthepresentinstance，waivingthepurelyacademicquestionwhethertheawakeningofGeorgeatalittlebeforefivewasduetonaturalinstinctonhispart，ortotheaccidentalpassingofahome—madeboomerangthroughhisbedroomwindow，thedearchildrenfranklyadmittedthattheblameforhisuprisingwastheirown。Astheeldestboysaid：
\"WeoughttohaverememberedthatUncleGeorgehadalongday，beforehim，andweoughttohavedissuadedhimfromgettingup。I
blamemyselfentirely。\"
Butanoccasionalchangeofhabitdoesnobodyanyharm；andbesides，asHarrisandIagreed，itwasgoodtrainingforGeorge。
IntheBlackForestweshouldbeupatfiveeverymorning；thatwehaddeterminedon。Indeed，Georgehimselfhadsuggestedhalf—pastfour，butHarrisandIhadarguedthatfivewouldbeearlyenoughasanaverage；thatwouldenableustobeonourmachinesbysix，andtobreakthebackofourjourneybeforetheheatofthedaysetin。Occasionallywemightstartalittleearlier，butnotasahabit。
Imyselfwasupthatmorningatfive。ThiswasearlierthanIhadintended。Ihadsaidtomyselfongoingtosleep，\"Sixo’clock，sharp！\"
TherearemenIknowwhocanwakethemselvesatanytimetotheminute。Theysaytothemselvesliterally，astheylaytheirheadsuponthepillow，\"Four—thirty，\"\"Four—forty—five，\"or\"Five—
fifteen，\"asthecasemaybe；andastheclockstrikestheyopentheireyes。Itisverywonderfulthis；themoreonedwellsuponit，thegreaterthemysterygrows。SomeEgowithinus，actingquiteindependentlyofourconsciousself，mustbecapableofcountingthehourswhilewesleep。Unaidedbyclockorsun，oranyothermediumknowntoourfivesenses，itkeepswatchthroughthedarkness。Attheexactmomentitwhispers\"Time！\"andweawake。
TheworkofanoldriversidefellowIoncetalkedwithcalledhimtobeoutofbedeachmorninghalfanhourbeforehightide。Hetoldmethatneveroncehadheoverslepthimselfbyaminute。
Latterly，henevereventroubledtoworkoutthetideforhimself。
Hewouldliedowntired，andsleepadreamlesssleep，andeachmorningatadifferenthourthisghostlywatchman，trueasthetideitself，wouldsilentlycallhim。Didtheman’sspirithauntthroughthedarknessthemuddyriverstairs；orhaditknowledgeofthewaysofNature？Whatevertheprocess，themanhimselfwasunconsciousofit。
Inmyowncasemyinwardwatchmanis，perhaps，somewhatoutofpractice。Hedoeshisbest；butheisover—anxious；heworrieshimself，andlosescount。Isaytohim，maybe，\"Five—thirty，please；\"andhewakesmewithastartathalf—pasttwo。Ilookatmywatch。Hesuggeststhat，perhaps，Iforgottowinditup。I
putittomyear；itisstillgoing。Hethinks，maybe，somethinghashappenedtoit；heisconfidenthimselfitishalf—pastfive，ifnotalittlelater。Tosatisfyhim，Iputonapairofslippersandgodownstairstoinspectthedining—roomclock。Whathappenstoamanwhenhewandersaboutthehouseinthemiddleofthenight，cladinadressing—gownandapairofslippers，thereisnoneedtorecount；mostmenknowbyexperience。Everything——
especiallyeverythingwithasharpcorner——takesacowardlydelightinhittinghim。Whenyouarewearingapairofstoutboots，thingsgetoutofyourway；whenyouventureamongfurnitureinwoolworkslippersandnosocks，itcomesatyouandkicksyou。Ireturntobedbadtempered，andrefusingtolistentohisfurtherabsurdsuggestionthatalltheclocksinthehousehaveenteredintoaconspiracyagainstme，takehalfanhourtogettosleepagain。
Fromfourtofivehewakesmeeverytenminutes。IwishIhadneversaidawordtohimaboutthething。Atfiveo’clockhegoestosleephimself，wornout，andleavesittothegirl，whodoesithalfanhourlaterthanusual。
OnthisparticularWednesdayheworriedmetosuchanextent，thatIgotupatfivesimplytoberidofhim。Ididnotknowwhattodowithmyself。Ourtraindidnotleavetilleight；allourluggagehadbeenpackedandsentonthenightbefore，togetherwiththebicycles，toFenchurchStreetStation。Iwentintomystudy；I
thoughtIwouldputinanhour’swriting。Theearlymorning，beforeonehasbreakfasted，isnot，Itakeit，agoodseasonforliteraryeffort。Iwrotethreeparagraphsofastory，andthenreadthemovertomyself。Someunkindthingshavebeensaidaboutmywork；butnothinghasyetbeenwrittenwhichwouldhavedonejusticetothosethreeparagraphs。Ithrewthemintothewaste—
paperbasket，andsattryingtorememberwhat，ifany，charitableinstitutionsprovidedpensionsfordecayedauthors。
Toescapefromthistrainofreflection，Iputagolf—ballinmypocket，andselectingadriver，strolledoutintothepaddock。A
coupleofsheepwerebrowsingthere，andtheyfollowedandtookakeeninterestinmypractice。Theonewasakindly，sympatheticoldparty。Idonotthinksheunderstoodthegame；Ithinkitwasmydoingthisinnocentthingsoearlyinthemorningthatappealedtoher。AteverystrokeImadeshebleated：
\"Go—o—o—d，go—o—o—dind—e—e—d！\"
Sheseemedaspleasedasifshehaddoneitherself。
Asfortheotherone，shewasacantankerous，disagreeableoldthing，asdiscouragingtomeasherfriendwashelpful。
\"Ba—a—ad，da—a—a—mba—a—a—d！\"washercommentonalmosteverystroke。Asamatteroffact，somewerereallyexcellentstrokes；
butshediditjusttobecontradictory，andforthesakeofirritating。Icouldseethat。
Byamostregrettableaccident，oneofmyswiftestballsstruckthegoodsheeponthenose。Andatthatthebadsheeplaughed——laugheddistinctlyandundoubtedly，ahusky，vulgarlaugh；and，whileherfriendstoodgluedtotheground，tooastonishedtomove，shechangedhernoteforthefirsttimeandbleated：
\"Go—o—o—d，ve—e—rygo—o—o—d！Be—e—e—estsho—o—o—othe—e—e’sma—a—
a—de！\"
Iwouldhavegivenhalf—a—crownifithadbeensheIhadhitinsteadoftheotherone。Itiseverthegoodandamiablewhosufferinthisworld。
IhadwastedmoretimethanIhadintendedinthepaddock，andwhenEthelberthacametotellmeitwashalf—pastseven，andthebreakfastwasonthetable，IrememberedthatIhadnotshaved。ItvexesEthelberthamyshavingquickly。Shefearsthattooutsidersitmaysuggestapoor—spiritedattemptatsuicide，andthatinconsequenceitmaygetabouttheneighbourhoodthatwearenothappytogether。Asafurtherargument，shehasalsohintedthatmyappearanceisnotofthekindthatcanbetrifledwith。
Onthewhole，IwasjustasgladnottobeabletotakealongfarewellofEthelbertha；Ididnotwanttoriskherbreakingdown。
ButIshouldhavelikedmoreopportunitytosayafewfarewellwordsofadvicetothechildren，especiallyasregardsmyfishingrod，whichtheywillpersistinusingforcricketstumps；andI
hatehavingtorunforatrain。QuarterofamilefromthestationIovertookGeorgeandHarris；theywerealsorunning。Intheircase——soHarrisinformedme，jerkily，whilewetrottedsidebyside——itwasthenewkitchenstovethatwastoblame。Thiswasthefirstmorningtheyhadtriedit，andfromsomecauseorotherithadblownupthekidneysandscaldedthecook。Hesaidhehopedthatbythetimewereturnedtheywouldhavegotmoreusedtoit。
Wecaughtthetrainbytheskinofourteeth，asthesayingis，andreflectingupontheeventsofthemorning，aswesatgaspinginthecarriage，therepassedvividlybeforemymindthepanoramaofmyUnclePodger，asontwohundredandfiftydaysintheyearhewouldstartfromEalingCommonbythenine—thirteentraintoMoorgateStreet。
FrommyUnclePodger’shousetotherailwaystationwaseightminutes’walk。Whatmyunclealwayssaidwas：
\"Allowyourselfaquarterofanhour，andtakeiteasily。\"
Whathealwaysdidwastostartfiveminutesbeforethetimeandrun。Idonotknowwhy，butthiswasthecustomofthesuburb。
ManystoutCitygentlemenlivedatEalinginthosedays——Ibelievesomelivetherestill——andcaughtearlytrainstoTown。Theyallstartedlate；theyallcarriedablackbagandanewspaperinonehand，andanumbrellaintheother；andforthelastquarterofamiletothestation，wetorfine，theyallran。
Folkswithnothingelsetodo，nursemaidschieflyanderrandboys，withnowandthenaperambulatingcostermongeradded，wouldgatheronthecommonofafinemorningtowatchthempass，andcheerthemostdeserving。Itwasnotashowyspectacle。Theydidnotrunwell，theydidnotevenrunfast；buttheywereearnest，andtheydidtheirbest。Theexhibitionappealedlesstoone’ssenseofartthantoone’snaturaladmirationforconscientiouseffort。
Occasionallyalittleharmlessbettingwouldtakeplaceamongthecrowd。
\"Twotooneagintheoldgentinthewhiteweskit！\"
\"TentooneonoldBlowpipes，barhedon’trolloverhisself’fore’egetsthere！\"
\"HevenmoneyonthePurpleHemperor！\"——anicknamebestowedbyayouthofentomologicaltastesuponacertainretiredmilitaryneighbourofmyuncle’s，——agentlemanofimposingappearancewhenstationary，butapttocolourhighlyunderexercise。
MyuncleandtheotherswouldwritetotheEalingPresscomplainingbitterlyconcerningthesupinenessofthelocalpolice；andtheeditorwouldaddspiritedleadersupontheDecayofCourtesyamongtheLowerOrders，especiallythroughouttheWesternSuburbs。Butnogoodeverresulted。
Itwasnotthatmyuncledidnotriseearlyenough；itwasthattroublescametohimatthelastmoment。Thefirstthinghewoulddoafterbreakfastwouldbetolosehisnewspaper。WealwaysknewwhenUnclePodgerhadlostanything，bytheexpressionofastonishedindignationwithwhich，onsuchoccasions，hewouldregardtheworldingeneral。ItneveroccurredtomyUnclePodgertosaytohimself：
\"Iamacarelessoldman。Iloseeverything：IneverknowwhereI
haveputanything。Iamquiteincapableoffindingitagainformyself。InthisrespectImustbeaperfectnuisancetoeverybodyaboutme。Imustsettoworkandreformmyself。\"
Onthecontrary，bysomepeculiarcourseofreasoning，hehadconvincedhimselfthatwheneverhelostathingitwaseverybodyelse’sfaultinthehousebuthisown。
\"Ihaditinmyhandherenotaminuteago！\"hewouldexclaim。
Fromhistoneyouwouldhavethoughthewaslivingsurroundedbyconjurers，whospiritedawaythingsfromhimmerelytoirritatehim。
\"Couldyouhaveleftitinthegarden？\"myauntwouldsuggest。
\"WhatshouldIwanttoleaveitinthegardenfor？Idon’twantapaperinthegarden；Iwantthepaperinthetrainwithme。\"
\"Youhaven’tputitinyourpocket？\"
\"Godblessthewoman！DoyouthinkIshouldbestandinghereatfiveminutestoninelookingforitifIhaditinmypocketallthewhile？DoyouthinkI’mafool？\"
Heresomebodywouldexplain，\"What’sthis？\"andhandhimfromsomewhereapaperneatlyfolded。
\"Idowishpeoplewouldleavemythingsalone，\"hewouldgrowl，snatchingatitsavagely。
Hewouldopenhisbagtoputitin，andthenglancingatit，hewouldpause，speechlesswithsenseofinjury。
\"What’sthematter？\"auntwouldask。
\"Thedaybeforeyesterday’s！\"hewouldanswer，toohurteventoshout，throwingthepaperdownuponthetable。
Ifonlysometimesithadbeenyesterday’sitwouldhavebeenachange。Butitwasalwaysthedaybeforeyesterday’s；exceptonTuesday；thenitwouldbeSaturday’s。
Wewouldfinditforhimeventually；asoftenasnothewassittingonit。Andthenhewouldsmile，notgenially，butwiththewearinessthatcomestoamanwhofeelsthatfatehascasthislotamongabandofhopelessidiots。
\"Allthetime，rightinfrontofyournoses——！\"Hewouldnotfinishthesentence；hepridedhimselfonhisself—control。
Thissettled，hewouldstartforthehall，whereitwasthecustomofmyAuntMariatohavethechildrengathered，readytosaygood—
byetohim。
Myauntneverleftthehouseherself，ifonlytomakeacallnextdoor，withouttakingatenderfarewellofeveryinmate。Oneneverknew，shewouldsay，whatmighthappen。
Oneofthem，ofcourse，wassuretobemissing，andthemomentthiswasnoticedalltheothersix，withoutaninstant’shesitation，wouldscatterwithawhooptofindit。Immediatelytheyweregoneitwouldturnupbyitselffromsomewherequitenear，alwayswiththemostreasonableexplanationforitsabsence；andwouldatoncestartoffaftertheotherstoexplaintothemthatitwasfound。
Inthisway，fiveminutesatleastwouldbetakenupineverybody’slookingforeverybodyelse，whichwasjustsufficienttimetoallowmyuncletofindhisumbrellaandlosehishat。Then，atlast，thegroupreassembledinthehall，thedrawing—roomclockwouldcommencetostrikenine。Itpossessedacold，penetratingchimethatalwayshadtheeffectofconfusingmyuncle。Inhisexcitementhewouldkisssomeofthechildrentwiceover，passbyothers，forgetwhomhehadkissedandwhomhehadn’t，andhavetobeginalloveragain。Heusedtosayhebelievedtheymixedthemselvesuponpurpose，andIamnotpreparedtomaintainthatthechargewasaltogetherfalse。Toaddtohistroubles，onechildalwayshadastickyface；andthatchildwouldalwaysbethemostaffectionate。
Ifthingsweregoingtoosmoothly，theeldestboywouldcomeoutwithsometaleaboutalltheclocksinthehousebeingfiveminutesslow，andofhishavingbeenlateforschoolthepreviousdayinconsequence。Thiswouldsendmyunclerushingimpetuouslydowntothegate，wherehewouldrecollectthathehadwithhimneitherhisbagnorhisumbrella。Allthechildrenthatmyauntcouldnotstopwouldchargeafterhim，twoofthemstrugglingfortheumbrella，theotherssurgingroundthebag。Andwhentheyreturnedwewoulddiscoveronthehalltablethemostimportantthingofallthathehadforgotten，andwonderedwhathewouldsayaboutitwhenhecamehome。
WearrivedatWaterlooalittleafternine，andatonceproceededtoputGeorge’sexperimentintooperation。Openingthebookatthechapterentitled\"AttheCabRank，\"wewalkeduptoahansom，raisedourhats，andwishedthedriver\"Good—morning。\"
Thismanwasnottobeoutdoneinpolitenessbyanyforeigner，realorimitation。Callingtoafriendnamed\"Charles\"to\"holdthesteed，\"hesprangfromhisbox，andreturnedtousabow，thatwouldhavedonecredittoMr。Turveydrophimself。Speakingapparentlyinthenameofthenation，hewelcomedustoEngland，addingaregretthatHerMajestywasnotatthemomentinLondon。
Wecouldnotreplytohiminkind。Nothingofthissorthadbeenanticipatedbythebook。Wecalledhim\"coachman，\"atwhichheagainbowedtothepavement，andaskedhimifhewouldhavethegoodnesstodriveustotheWestminsterBridgeroad。
Helaidhishanduponhisheart，andsaidthepleasurewouldbehis。
Takingthethirdsentenceinthechapter，Georgeaskedhimwhathisfarewouldbe。
Thequestion，asintroducingasordidelementintotheconversation，seemedtohurthisfeelings。Hesaidhenevertookmoneyfromdistinguishedstrangers；hesuggestedasouvenir——adiamondscarfpin，agoldsnuffbox，somelittletrifleofthatsortbywhichhecouldrememberus。
Asasmallcrowdhadcollected，andasthejokewasdriftingrathertoofarinthecabman’sdirection，weclimbedinwithoutfurtherparley，andweredrivenawayamidcheers。WestoppedthecabatabootshopalittlepastAstley’sTheatrethatlookedthesortofplacewewanted。Itwasoneofthoseoverfedshopsthatthemomenttheirshuttersaretakendowninthemorningdisgorgetheirgoodsallroundthem。Boxesofbootsstoodpiledonthepavementorinthegutteropposite。Bootshunginfestoonsaboutitsdoorsandwindows。Itssun—blindwasassomegrimyvine，bearingbunchesofblackandbrownboots。Inside，theshopwasabowerofboots。Theman，whenweentered，wasbusywithachiselandhammeropeninganewcratefullofboots。
Georgeraisedhishat，andsaid\"Good—morning。\"
Themandidnoteventurnround。Hestruckmefromthefirstasadisagreeableman。Hegruntedsomethingwhichmighthavebeen\"Good—morning，\"ormightnot，andwentonwithhiswork。
Georgesaid：\"Ihavebeenrecommendedtoyourshopbymyfriend，Mr。X。\"
Inresponse，themanshouldhavesaid：\"Mr。X。isamostworthygentleman；itwillgivemethegreatestpleasuretoserveanyfriendofhis。\"
Whathedidsaywas：\"Don’tknowhim；neverheardofhim。\"
Thiswasdisconcerting。Thebookgavethreeorfourmethodsofbuyingboots；Georgehadcarefullyselectedtheonecentredround\"Mr。X，\"asbeingofallthemostcourtly。Youtalkedagooddealwiththeshopkeeperaboutthis\"Mr。X，\"andthen，whenbythismeansfriendshipandunderstandinghadbeenestablished，youslidnaturallyandgracefullyintotheimmediateobjectofyourcoming，namely，yourdesireforboots，\"cheapandgood。\"Thisgross，materialmancared，apparently，nothingforthenicetiesofretaildealing。Itwasnecessarywithsuchanonetocometobusinesswithbrutaldirectness。Georgeabandoned\"Mr。X，\"andturningbacktoapreviouspage，tookasentenceatrandom。Itwasnotahappyselection；itwasaspeechthatwouldhavebeensuperfluousmadetoanybootmaker。Underthepresentcircumstances，threatenedandstifledaswewereoneverysidebyboots，itpossessedthedignityofpositiveimbecilitiy。Itran：—\"Onehastoldmethatyouhaveherebootsforsale。\"
Forthefirsttimethemanputdownhishammerandchisel，andlookedatus。Hespokeslowly，inathickandhuskyvoice。Hesaid：
\"Whatd’yethinkIkeepbootsfor——tosmell’em？\"
Hewasoneofthosementhatbeginquietlyandgrowmoreangryastheyproceed，theirwrongsapparentlyworkingwithinthemlikeyeast。
\"Whatd’yethinkIam，\"hecontinued，\"abootcollector？Whatd’yethinkI’mrunningthisshopfor——myhealth？D’yethinkIlovetheboots，andcan’tbeartopartwithapair？D’yethinkIhang’emaboutheretolookat’em？Ain’tthereenoughof’em？Whered’yethinkyouare——inaninternationalexhibitionofboots？Whatd’yethinkthesebootsare——ahistoricalcollection？Didyoueverhearofamankeepingabootshopandnotsellingboots？D’yethinkI
decoratetheshopwith’emtomakeitlookpretty？Whatd’yetakemefor——aprizeidiot？\"
Ihavealwaysmaintainedthattheseconversationbooksareneverofanyrealuse。WhatwewantedwassomeEnglishequivalentforthewell—knownGermanidiom：\"BehaltenSieIhrHaarauf。\"
Nothingofthesortwastobefoundinthebookfrombeginningtoend。However，IwilldoGeorgethecredittoadmithechosetheverybestsentencethatwastobefoundthereinandappliedit。Hesaid：。
\"Iwillcomeagain，when，perhaps，youwillhavesomemorebootstoshowme。Tillthen，adieu！\"
Withthatwereturnedtoourcabanddroveaway，leavingthemanstandinginthecentreofhisboot—bedeckeddoorwayaddressingremarkstous。Whathesaid，Ididnothear，butthepassers—byappearedtofinditinteresting。
Georgewasforstoppingatanotherbootshopandtryingtheexperimentafresh；hesaidhereallydidwantapairofbedroomslippers。Butwepersuadedhimtopostponetheirpurchaseuntilourarrivalinsomeforeigncity，wherethetradespeoplearenodoubtmoreinuredtothissortoftalk，orelsemorenaturallyamiable。Onthesubjectofthehat，however，hewasadamant。Hemaintainedthatwithoutthathecouldnottravel，and，accordingly，wepulledupatasmallshopintheBlackfriarsRoad。
Theproprietorofthisshopwasacheery，bright—eyedlittleman，andhehelpedusratherthanhinderedus。
WhenGeorgeaskedhiminthewordsofthebook，\"Haveyouanyhats？\"hedidnotgetangry；hejuststoppedandthoughtfullyscratchedhischin。
\"Hats，\"saidhe。\"Letmethink。Yes\"——hereasmileofpositivepleasurebrokeoverhisgenialcountenance——\"yes，nowIcometothinkofit，IbelieveIhaveahat。But，tellme，whydoyouaskme？\"
Georgeexplainedtohimthathewishedtopurchaseacap，atravellingcap，buttheessenceofthetransactionwasthatitwastobea\"goodcap。\"
Theman’sfacefell。
\"Ah，\"heremarked，\"there，Iamafraid，youhaveme。Now，ifyouhadwantedabadcap，notworththepriceaskedforit；acapgoodfornothingbuttocleanwindowswith，Icouldhavefoundyoutheverything。Butagoodcap——no；wedon’tkeepthem。Butwaitaminute，\"hecontinued，——onseeingthedisappointmentthatspreadoverGeorge’sexpressivecountenance，\"don’tbeinahurry。Ihaveacaphere\"——hewenttoadrawerandopenedit——\"itisnotagoodcap，butitisnotsobadasmostofthecapsIsell。\"
Hebroughtitforward，extendedonhispalm。
\"Whatdoyouthinkofthat？\"heasked。\"Couldyouputupwiththat？\"
Georgefitteditonbeforetheglass，and，choosinganotherremarkfromthebook，said：
\"Thishatfitsmesufficientlywell，but，tellme，doyouconsiderthatitbecomesme？\"
Themansteppedbackandtookabird’s—eyeview。
\"Candidly，\"hereplied，\"Ican’tsaythatitdoes。\"
HeturnedfromGeorge，andaddressedhimselftoHarrisandmyself。
\"Yourfriend’sbeauty，\"saidhe，\"Ishoulddescribeaselusive。Itisthere，butyoucaneasilymissit。Now，inthatcap，tomymind，youdomissit。\"
AtthatpointitoccurredtoGeorgethathehadhadsufficientfunwiththisparticularman。Hesaid：
\"Thatisallright。Wedon’twanttolosethetrain。Howmuch？\"
Answeredtheman：\"Thepriceofthatcap，sir，which，inmyopinion，istwiceasmuchasitisworth，isfour—and—six。Wouldyoulikeitwrappedupinbrownpaper，sir，orinwhite？\"
Georgesaidhewouldtakeitasitwas，paidthemanfour—and—sixin—silver，andwentout。HarrisandIfollowed。
AtFenchurchStreetwecompromisedwithourcabmanforfiveshillings。Hemadeusanothercourtlybow，andbeggedustorememberhimtotheEmperorofAustria。
Comparingviewsinthetrain，weagreedthatwehadlostthegamebytwopointstoone；andGeorge，whowasevidentlydisappointed，threwthebookoutofwindow。
Wefoundourluggageandthebicyclessafeontheboat，andwiththetideattwelvedroppeddowntheriver。
CHAPTERV
Anecessarydigression——Introducedbystorycontainingmoral——Oneofthecharmsofthisbook——TheJournalthatdidnotcommandsuccess——Itsboast：\"InstructioncombinedwithAmusement\"——
Problem：saywhatshouldbeconsideredinstructiveandwhatamusing——Apopulargame——ExpertopiniononEnglishlaw——Anotherofthecharmsofthisbook——Ahackneyedtune——Yetathirdcharmofthisbook——Thesortofwooditwaswherethemaidenlived——
DescriptionoftheBlackForest。
AstoryistoldofaScotchmanwho，lovingalassie，desiredherforhiswife。Buthepossessedtheprudenceofhisrace。Hehadnoticedinhiscirclemanyanotherwisepromisingunionresultindisappointmentanddismay，purelyinconsequenceofthefalseestimateformedbybrideorbridegroomconcerningtheimaginedperfectabilityoftheother。Hedeterminedthatinhisowncasenocollapsedidealshouldbepossible。Therefore，itwasthathisproposaltookthefollowingform：
\"I’mbutapuirlad，Jennie；Ihaenaesillertoofferye，andnaeland。\"
\"Ah，butyehaeyoursel’，Davie！\"
\"An’I’mwishfu’itwa’onythingelse，lassie。I’mnaebutapuirill—seasonedloon，Jennie。\"
\"Na，na；there’smonyaladmairill—lookingthanyoursel’，Davie。\"
\"Ihaenaseenhim，lass，andI’mjusta—thinkin’Ishouldna’careto。\"
\"Betteraplainman，Davie，thatyecandependa’thananethatwouldbeaspeirin’atthelassies，a—bringin’troubleintothehamewi’hisfloutingways。\"
\"Dinnayereckononthat，Jennie；it’snaethebonniestBubblyJockthatmak’sthemostfeatherstoflyinthekailyard。Iwaseveraladtorunafterthepetticoats，asisweelkent；an’it’sawearyhandfu’I’llbetoye，I’mthinkin’。\"
\"Ah，butyehaeakindheart，Davie！an’yelovemeweel。I’msureon’t。\"
\"Ilikeyeweelenoo’，Jennie，thoughIcannasayhowlongthefeelingmaybidewi’me；an’I’mkindenoo’whenIhaemyainway，an’naethin’happenstoputmeoot。ButIhaethedeevil’saintemper，asmymithercalltellye，an’likemypuirfayther，I’ma—
thinkin’，I’llgrownaebetterasIgrowmairauld。\"
\"Ay，butye’resairharduponyersel’，Davie。Ye’reanhonestlad。
Ikenyebetterthanyekenyersel’，an’ye’llmakaguidhameforme。\"
\"Maybe，Jennie！ButIhaemydoots。It’sasairthingforwifean’bairnswhentheguidmancannakeepawa’fraetheglass；an’
whenthescentofthewhuskycomestomeit’sjustasthoughI
hae’dthethroato’aLochTaysalmon；itjustgaesdoonan’doon，an’there’snaefillingo’me。\"
\"Ay，butye’reaguidmanwhenye’resober，Davie。\"
\"MaybeI’llbethat，Jennie，ifI’mnaedisturbed。\"
\"An’ye’llbidewi’me，Davie，an’workforme？\"
\"IseenaereasonwhyIshouldnabidewi’yetJennie；butdinnayeclackabootworktome，forIjustcannabearthethocto’t。\"
\"Anyhow，ye’lldoyourbest，Davie？Astheministersays，naemancandomairthanthat。\"
\"An’it’sapuirbestthatmine’llbe，Jennie，andI’mnaesaesureye’llhaeowermuckleeveno’that。We’rea’weak，sinfu’
creatures，Jennie，an’ye’dhaesomedeefficultytofindamanweakerormairsinfu’thanmysel’。\"
\"Weel，weel，yehaeatruthfu’tongue，Davie。Monyaladwillmakfinepromisestoapuirlassie，onlytobreak’eman’herheartwi’
’em。Yespeakmefair，Davie，andI’mthinkin’I’lljusttakye，an’seewhatcomeso’t。\"
Concerningwhatdidcomeofit，thestoryissilent，butonefeelsthatundernocircumstanceshadtheladyanyrighttocomplainofherbargain。Whethersheeverdidordidnot——forwomendonotinvariablyordertheirtonguesaccordingtologic，normeneitherforthematterofthat——Davie，himself，musthavehadthesatisfactionofreflectingthatallreproacheswereundeserved。
Iwishtobeequallyfrankwiththereaderofthisbook。Iwishhereconscientiouslytoletforthitsshortcomings。Iwishnoonetoreadthisbookunderamisapprehension。
