Therewillbenousefulinformationinthisbook。
AnyonewhoshouldthinkthatwiththeaidofthisbookhewouldbeabletomakeatourthroughGermanyandtheBlackForestwouldprobablylosehimselfbeforehegottotheNore。That，atallevents，wouldbethebestthingthatcouldhappentohim。Thefartherawayfromhomehegot，thegreateronlywouldbehisdifficulties。
Idonotregardtheconveyanceofusefulinformationasmyforte。
Thisbeliefwasnotinbornwithme；ithasbeendrivenhomeuponmebyexperience。
Inmyearlyjournalisticdays，Iserveduponapaper，theforerunnerofmanyverypopularperiodicalsofthepresentday。
Ourboastwasthatwecombinedinstructionwithamusement；astowhatshouldberegardedasaffordingamusementandwhatinstruction，thereaderjudgedforhimself。Wegaveadvicetopeopleabouttomarry——long，earnestadvicethatwould，hadtheyfollowedit，havemadeourcircleofreaderstheenvyofthewholemarriedworld。Wetoldoursubscribershowtomakefortunesbykeepingrabbits，givingfactsandfigures。Thethingthatmusthavesurprisedthemwasthatweourselvesdidnotgiveupjournalismandstartrabbit—farming。OftenandoftenhaveIprovedconclusivelyfromauthoritativesourceshowamanstartingarabbitfarmwithtwelveselectedrabbitsandalittlejudgmentmust，attheendofthreeyears，beinreceiptofanincomeoftwothousandayear，risingrapidly；hesimplycouldnothelphimself。Hemightnotwantthemoney。Hemightnotknowwhattodowithitwhenhehadit。Butthereitwasforhim。Ihavenevermetarabbitfarmermyselfworthtwothousandayear，thoughIhaveknownmanystartwiththetwelvenecessary，assortedrabbits。Somethinghasalwaysgonewrongsomewhere；maybethecontinuedatmosphereofarabbitfarmsapsthejudgment。
Wetoldourreadershowmanybald—headedmentherewereinIceland，andforallweknewourfiguresmayhavebeencorrect；howmanyredherringsplacedtailtomouthitwouldtaketoreachfromLondontoRome，whichmusthavebeenusefultoanyonedesirousoflayingdownalineofredherringsfromLondontoRome，enablinghimtoorderintherightquantityatthebeginning；howmanywordstheaveragewomanspokeinaday；andothersuchlikeitemsofinformationcalculatedtomakethemwiseandgreatbeyondthereadersofotherjournals。
Wetoldthemhowtocurefitsincats。PersonallyIdonotbelieve，andIdidnotbelievethen，thatyoucancurefitsincats。IfIhadacatsubjecttofitsIshouldadvertiseitforsale，orevengiveitaway。Butourdutywastosupplyinformationwhenaskedfor。Somefoolwrote，clamouringtoknow；andIspentthebestpartofamorningseekingknowledgeonthesubject。I
foundwhatIwantedatlengthattheendofanoldcookerybook。
WhatitwasdoingthereIhaveneverbeenabletounderstand。Ithadnothingtodowiththepropersubjectofthebookwhatever；
therewasnosuggestionthatyoucouldmakeanythingsavouryoutofacat，evenwhenyouhadcureditofitsfits。Theauthoresshadjustthrowninthisparagraphoutofpuregenerosity。IcanonlysaythatIwishshehadleftitout；itwasthecauseofadealofangrycorrespondenceandofthelossoffoursubscriberstothepaper，ifnotmore。Themansaidtheresultoffollowingouradvicehadbeentwopoundsworthofdamagetohiskitchencrockery，tosaynothingofabrokenwindowandprobablebloodpoisoningtohimself；addedtowhichthecat’sfitswereworsethanbefore。Andyetitwasasimpleenoughrecipe。Youheldthecatbetweenyourlegs，gently，soasnottohurtit，andwithapairofscissorsmadeasharp，cleancutinitstail。Youdidnotcutoffanypartofthetail；youweretobecarefulnottodothat；youonlymadeanincision。
Asweexplainedtotheman，thegardenorthecoalcellarwouldhavebeentheproperplacefortheoperation；noonebutanidiotwouldhaveattemptedtoperformitinakitchen，andwithouthelp。
Wegavethemhintsonetiquette。Wetoldthemhowtoaddresspeersandbishops；alsohowtoeatsoup。Weinstructedshyyoungmenhowtoacquireeasygraceindrawing—rooms。Wetaughtdancingtobothsexesbytheaidofdiagrams。Wesolvedtheirreligiousdoubtsforthem，andsuppliedthemwithacodeofmoralsthatwouldhavedonecredittoastained—glasswindow。
Thepaperwasnotafinancialsuccess，itwassomeyearsbeforeitstime，andtheconsequencewasthatourstaffwaslimited。Myownapartment，Iremember，included\"AdvicetoMothers\"——Iwrotethatwiththeassistanceofmylandlady，who，havingdivorcedonehusbandandburiedfourchildren，was，Iconsidered，areliableauthorityonalldomesticmatters；\"HintsonFurnishingandHouseholdDecorations——withDesigns\"acolumnof\"LiteraryCounseltoBeginners\"——Isincerelyhopemyguidancewasofbetterservicetothemthanithaseverprovedtomyself；andourweeklyarticle，\"StraightTalkstoYoungMen，\"signed\"UncleHenry。\"Akindly，genialoldfellowwas\"UncleHenry，\"withwideandvariedexperience，andasympatheticattitudetowardstherisinggeneration。Hehadbeenthroughtroublehimselfinhisfarbackyouth，andknewmostthings。EventothisdayIreadof\"UncleHenry’s\"advice，and，thoughIsayitwhoshouldnot，itstillseemstomegood，soundadvice。IoftenthinkthathadIfollowed\"UncleHenry’s\"counselcloserIwouldhavebeenwiser，madefewermistakes，feltbettersatisfiedwithmyselfthanisnowthecase。
Aquiet，wearylittlewoman，wholivedinabed—sittingroomofftheTottenhamCourtRoad，andwhohadahusbandinalunaticasylum，didour\"CookingColumn，\"\"HintsonEducation\"——wewerefullofhints，——andapageandahalfof\"FashionableIntelligence，\"writteninthepertlypersonalstylewhichevenyethasnotaltogetherdisappeared，soIaminformed，frommodernjournalism：\"ImusttellyouabouttheDIVINEfrockIworeat’GloriousGoodwood’lastweek。PrinceC。——butthere，Ireallymustnotrepeatallthethingsthesillyfellowsays；heisTOOfoolish—
—andtheDEARCountess，Ifancy，wasjusttheWEEISHbitjealous\"——
andsoon。
Poorlittlewoman！Iseehernowintheshabbygreyalpaca，withtheinkstainsonit。Perhapsadayat\"GloriousGoodwood，\"oranywhereelseinthefreshair，mighthaveputsomecolourintohercheeks。
Ourproprietor——oneofthemostunashamedlyignorantmenIevermet——IrememberhisgravelyinformingacorrespondentoncethatBenJonsonhadwrittenRabelaistopayforhismother’sfuneral，andonlylaughinggood—naturedlywhenhismistakeswerepointedouttohim——wrotewiththeaidofacheapencyclopediathepagesdevotedto\"GeneralInformation，\"anddidthemonthewholeremarkablywell；whileourofficeboy，withanexcellentpairofscissorsforhisassistant，wasresponsibleforoursupplyof\"WitandHumour。\"
Itwashardwork，andthepaywaspoor，whatsustaineduswastheconsciousnessthatwewereinstructingandimprovingourfellowmenandwomen。Ofallgamesintheworld，theonemostuniversallyandeternallypopularisthegameofschool。Youcollectsixchildren，andputthemonadoorstep，whileyouwalkupanddownwiththebookandcane。Weplayitwhenbabies，weplayitwhenboysandgirls，weplayitwhenmenandwomen，weplayitas，leanandslippered，wetottertowardsthegrave。Itneverpallsupon，itneverweariesus。Onlyonethingmarsit：thetendencyofoneandalloftheothersixchildrentoclamourfortheirturnwiththebookandthecane。Thereason，Iamsure，thatjournalismissopopularacalling，inspiteofitsmanydrawbacks，isthis：eachjournalistfeelsheistheboywalkingupanddownwiththecane。
TheGovernment，theClasses，andtheMasses，Society，Art，andLiterature，aretheotherchildrensittingonthedoorstep。Heinstructsandimprovesthem。
ButIdigress。ItwastoexcusemypresentpermanentdisinclinationtobethevehicleofusefulinformationthatI
recalledthesematters。Letusnowreturn。
Somebody，signinghimself\"Balloonist，\"hadwrittentoaskconcerningthemanufactureofhydrogengas。Itisaneasythingtomanufacture——atleast，soIgatheredafterreadingupthesubjectattheBritishMuseum；yetIdidwarn\"Balloonist，\"whoeverhemightbe，totakeallnecessaryprecautionagainstaccident。WhatmorecouldIhavedone？Tendaysafterwardsaflorid—facedladycalledattheoffice，leadingbythehandwhat，sheexplained，washerson，agedtwelve。Theboy’sfacewasunimpressivetoadegreepositivelyremarkable。Hismotherpushedhimforwardandtookoffhishat，andthenIperceivedthereasonforthis。Hehadnoeyebrowswhatever，andofhishairnothingremainedbutascrubbydust，givingtohisheadtheappearanceofahard—boiledegg，skinnedandsprinkledwithblackpepper。
\"Thatwasahandsomeladthistimelastweek，withnaturallycurlyhair，\"remarkedthelady。Shespokewitharisinginflection，suggestiveofthebeginningofthings。
\"Whathashappenedtohim？\"askedourchief。
\"Thisiswhat’shappenedtohim，\"retortedthelady。Shedrewfromhermuffacopyofourlastweek’sissue，withmyarticleonhydrogengasscoredinpencil，andflungitbeforehiseyes。Ourchieftookitandreaditthrough。
\"Hewas’Balloonist’？\"queriedthechief。
\"Hewas’Balloonist，’\"admittedthelady，\"thepoorinnocentchild，andnowlookathim！\"
\"Maybeit’llgrowagain，\"suggestedourchief。
\"Maybeitwill，\"retortedthelady，herkeycontinuingtorise，\"andmaybeitwon’t。WhatIwanttoknowiswhatyouaregoingtodoforhim。\"
Ourchiefsuggestedahairwash。Ithoughtatfirstshewasgoingtoflyathim；butforthemomentsheconfinedherselftowords。
Itappearsshewasnotthinkingofahairwash，butofcompensation。Shealsomadeobservationsonthegeneralcharacterofourpaper，itsutility，itsclaimtopublicsupport，thesenseandwisdomofitscontributors。
\"Ireallydon’tseethatitisourfault，\"urgedthechief——hewasamild—manneredman；\"heaskedforinformation，andhegotit。\"
\"Don’tyoutrytobefunnyaboutit，\"saidthelady（hehadnotmeanttobefunny，Iamsure；levitywasnothisfailing）\"oryou’llgetsomethingthatYOUhaven’taskedfor。Why，fortwopins，\"saidthelady，withasuddennessthatsentusbothflyinglikescuttledchickensbehindourrespectivechairs，\"I’dcomeroundandmakeyourheadlikeit！\"Itakeit，shemeantliketheboy’s。Shealsoaddedobservationsuponourchief’spersonalappearance，thatweredistinctlyinbadtaste。Shewasnotanicewomanbyanymeans。
Myself，Iamofopinionthathadshebroughttheactionshethreatened，shewouldhavehadnocase；butourchiefwasamanwhohadhadexperienceofthelaw，andhisprinciplewasalwaystoavoidit。Ihaveheardhimsay：
\"Ifamanstoppedmeinthestreetanddemandedofmemywatch，I
shouldrefusetogiveittohim。Ifhethreatenedtotakeitbyforce，IfeelIshould，thoughnotafightingman，domybesttoprotectit。If，ontheotherhand，heshouldasserthisintentionoftryingtoobtainitbymeansofanactioninanycourtoflaw，I
shouldtakeitoutofmypocketandhandittohim，andthinkIhadgotoffcheaply。\"
Hesquaredthematterwiththeflorid—facedladyforafive—poundnote，whichmusthaverepresentedamonth’sprofitsonthepaper；
andshedeparted，takingherdamagedoffspringwithher。Aftershewasgone，ourchiefspokekindlytome。Hesaid：
\"Don’tthinkIamblamingyouintheleast；itisnotyourfault，itisFate。Keeptomoraladviceandcriticism——thereyouaredistinctlygood；butdon’ttryyourhandanymoreon’UsefulInformation。’AsIhavesaid，itisnotyourfault。Yourinformationiscorrectenough——thereisnothingtobesaidagainstthat；itsimplyisthatyouarenotluckywithit。\"
IwouldthatIhadfollowedhisadvicealways；Iwouldhavesavedmyselfandotherpeoplemuchdisaster。Iseenoreasonwhyitshouldbe，butsoitis。IfIinstructamanastothebestroutebetweenLondonandRome，heloseshisluggageinSwitzerland，orisnearlyshipwreckedoffDover。IfIcounselhiminthepurchaseofacamera，hegetsruninbytheGermanpoliceforphotographingfortresses。Ioncetookadealoftroubletoexplaintoamanhowtomarryhisdeceasedwife’ssisteratStockholm。IfoundoutforhimthetimetheboatleftHullandthebesthotelstostopat。
TherewasnotasinglemistakefrombeginningtoendintheinformationwithwhichIsuppliedhim；nohitchoccurredanywhere；
yetnowheneverspeakstome。
ThereforeitisthatIhavecometorestrainmypassionforthegivingofinformation；thereforeitisthatnothinginthenatureofpracticalinstructionwillbefound，ifIcanhelpit，withinthesepages。
Therewillbenodescriptionoftowns，nohistoricalreminiscences，noarchitecture，nomorals。
IonceaskedanintelligentforeignerwhathethoughtofLondon。
Hesaid：\"Itisaverybigtown。\"
Isaid：\"Whatstruckyoumostaboutit？\"
Hereplied：\"Thepeople。\"
Isaid：\"Comparedwithothertowns——Paris，Rome，Berlin，——whatdidyouthinkofit？\"
Heshruggedhisshoulders。\"Itisbigger，\"hesaid；\"whatmorecanonesay？\"
Oneanthillisverymuchlikeanother。Somanyavenues，wideornarrow，wherethelittlecreaturesswarminstrangeconfusion；
thesebustlingby，important；thesehaltingtopow—wowwithoneanother。Thesestrugglingwithbigburdens；thosebutbaskinginthesun。Somanygranariesstoredwithfood；somanycellswherethelittlethingssleep，andeat，andlove；thecornerwherelietheirlittlewhitebones。Thishiveislarger，thenextsmaller。
Thisnestliesonthesand，andanotherunderthestones。Thiswasbuiltbutyesterday，whilethatwasfashionedagesago，somesayevenbeforetheswallowscame；whoknows？
Norwilltherebefoundhereinfolk—loreorstory。
Everyvalleywhereliehomesteadshasitssong。Iwilltellyoutheplot；youcanturnitintoverseandsetittomusicofyourown。
Therelivedalass，andtherecamealad，wholovedandrodeaway。
Itisamonotonoussong，writteninmanylanguages；fortheyoungmanseemstohavebeenamightytraveller。HereinsentimentalGermanytheyrememberhimwell。SoalsothedwellersoftheBlueAlsatianMountainsrememberhiscomingamongthem；while，ifmymemoryservesmetruly，helikewisevisitedtheBanksofAllanWater。AveritableWanderingJewishe；forstillthefoolishgirlslisten，sotheysay，tothedyingawayofhishoof—beats。
Inthislandofmanyruins，thatlongwhileagowerevoice—filledhomes，lingermanylegends；andhereagain，givingyoutheessentials，Ileaveyoutocookthedishforyourself。Takeahumanheartortwo，assorted；abundleofhumanpassions——therearenotmanyofthem，halfadozenatthemost；seasonwithamixtureofgoodandevil；flavourthewholewiththesauceofdeath，andserveupwhereandwhenyouwill。\"TheSaint’sCell，\"\"TheHauntedKeep，\"\"TheDungeonGrave，\"\"TheLover’sLeap\"——callitwhatyouwill，thestew’sthesame。
Lastly，inthisbooktherewillbenoscenery。Thisisnotlazinessonmypart；itisself—control。Nothingiseasiertowritethanscenery；nothingmoredifficultandunnecessarytoread。
WhenGibbonhadtotrusttotravellers’talesforadescriptionoftheHellespont，andtheRhinewaschieflyfamiliartoEnglishstudentsthroughthemediumofCaesar’sCommentaries，itbehovedeveryglobe—trotter，forwhateverdistance，todescribetothebestofhisabilitythethingsthathehadseen。Dr。Johnson，familiarwithlittleelsethantheviewdownFleetStreet，couldreadthedescriptionofaYorkshiremoorwithpleasureandwithprofit。ToacockneywhohadneverseenhighergroundthantheHog’sBackinSurrey，anaccountofSnowdonmusthaveappearedexciting。Butwe，orratherthesteam—engineandthecameraforus，havechangedallthat。ThemanwhoplaystenniseveryyearatthefootoftheMatterhorn，andbilliardsonthesummitoftheRigi，doesnotthankyouforanelaborateandpainstakingdescriptionoftheGrampianHills。Totheaverageman，whohasseenadozenoilpaintings，ahundredphotographs，athousandpicturesintheillustratedjournals，andacoupleofpanoramasofNiagara，theword—paintingofawaterfallistedious。
AnAmericanfriendofmine，aculturedgentleman，wholovedpoetrywellenoughforitsownsake，toldmethathehadobtainedamorecorrectandmoresatisfyingideaoftheLakedistrictfromaneighteenpennybookofphotographicviewsthanfromalltheworksofColeridge，Southey，andWordsworthputtogether。Ialsorememberhissayingconcerningthissubjectofsceneryinliterature，thathewouldthankanauthorasmuchforwritinganeloquentdescriptionofwhathehadjusthadfordinner。Butthiswasinreferencetoanotherargument；namely，theproperprovinceofeachart。Myfriendmaintainedthatjustascanvasandcolourwerethewrongmediumsforstorytelling，soword—paintingwas，atitsbest，butaclumsymethodofconveyingimpressionsthatcouldmuchbetterbereceivedthroughtheeye。
Asregardsthequestion，therealsolingersinmymemoryverydistinctlyahotschoolafternoon。TheclasswasforEnglishliterature，andtheproceedingscommencedwiththereadingofacertainlengthy，butotherwiseunobjectionable，poem。Theauthor’sname，Iamashamedtosay，Ihaveforgotten，togetherwiththetitleofthepoem。Thereadingfinished，weclosedourbooks，andtheProfessor，akindly，white—hairedoldgentleman，suggestedourgivinginourownwordsanaccountofwhatwehadjustread。
\"Tellme，\"saidtheProfessor，encouragingly，\"whatitisallabout。\"
\"Please，sir，\"saidthefirstboy——hespokewithbowedheadandevidentreluctance，asthoughthesubjectwereonewhich，lefttohimself，hewouldneverhavementioned，——\"itisaboutamaiden。\"
\"Yes，\"agreedtheProfessor；\"butIwantyoutotellmeinyourownwords。Wedonotspeakofamaiden，youknow；wesayagirl。Yes，itisaboutagirl。Goon。\"
\"Agirl，\"repeatedthetopboy，thesubstitutionapparentlyincreasinghisembarrassment，\"wholivedinawood。\"
\"Whatsortofawood？\"askedtheProfessor。
Thefirstboyexaminedhisinkpotcarefully，andthenlookedattheceiling。
\"Come，\"urgedtheProfessor，growingimpatient，\"youhavebeenreadingaboutthiswoodforthelasttenminutes。Surelyyoucantellmesomethingconcerningit。\"
\"Thegnarlytrees，theirtwistedbranches\"——recommencedthetopboy。
\"No，no，\"interruptedtheProfessor；\"Idonotwantyoutorepeatthepoem。Iwantyoutotellmeinyourownwordswhatsortofawooditwaswherethegirllived。\"
TheProfessortappedhisfootimpatiently；thetopboymadeadashforit。
\"Please，sir，itwastheusualsortofawood。\"
\"Tellhimwhatsortofawood，\"saidhe，pointingtothesecondlad。
Thesecondboysaiditwasa\"greenwood。\"ThisannoyedtheProfessorstillmore；hecalledthesecondboyablockhead，thoughreallyIcannotseewhy，andpassedontothethird，who，forthelastminute，hadbeensittingapparentlyonhotplates，withhisrightarmwavingupanddownlikeadistractedsemaphoresignal。
Hewouldhavehadtosayitthenextsecond，whethertheProfessorhadaskedhimornot；hewasredintheface，holdinghisknowledgein。
\"Adarkandgloomywood，\"shoutedthethirdboy，withmuchrelieftohisfeelings。
\"Adarkandgloomywood，\"repeatedtheProfessor，withevidentapproval。\"Andwhywasitdarkandgloomy？\"
Thethirdboywasstillequaltotheoccasion。
\"Becausethesuncouldnotgetinsideit。\"
TheProfessorfelthehaddiscoveredthepoetoftheclass。
\"Becausethesuncouldnotgetintoit，or，better，becausethesunbeamscouldnotpenetrate。Andwhycouldnotthesunbeamspenetratethere？\"
\"Please，sir，becausetheleavesweretoothick。\"
\"Verywell，\"saidtheProfessor。\"Thegirllivedinadarkandgloomywood，throughtheleafycanopyofwhichthesunbeamswereunabletopierce。Now，whatgrewinthiswood？\"Hepointedtothefourthboy。
\"Please，sir，trees，sir。\"
\"Andwhatelse？\"
\"Toadstools，sir。\"Thisafterapause。
TheProfessorwasnotquitesureaboutthetoadstools，butonreferringtothetexthefoundthattheboywasright；toadstoolshadbeenmentioned。
\"Quiteright，\"admittedtheProfessor，\"toadstoolsgrewthere。Andwhatelse？Whatdoyoufindunderneathtreesinawood？\"
\"Please，sir，earth，sir。\"
\"No；no；whatgrowsinawoodbesidestrees？\"
\"Oh，please，sir，bushes，sir。\"
\"Bushes；verygood。Nowwearegettingon。Inthiswoodthereweretreesandbushes。Andwhatelse？\"
Hepointedtoasmallboynearthebottom，whohavingdecidedthatthewoodwastoofarofftobeofanyannoyancetohim，individually，wasoccupyinghisleisureplayingnoughtsandcrossesagainsthimself。Vexedandbewildered，butfeelingitnecessarytoaddsomethingtotheinventory，hehazardedblackberries。Thiswasamistake；thepoethadnotmentionedblackberries。
\"Ofcourse，Klobstockwouldthinkofsomethingtoeat，\"commentedtheProfessor，whopridedhimselfonhisreadywit。ThisraisedalaughagainstKlobstock，andpleasedtheProfessor。
\"You，\"continuedhe，pointingtoaboyinthemiddle；\"whatelsewasthereinthiswoodbesidestreesandbushes？\"
\"Please，sir，therewasatorrentthere。\"
\"Quiteright；andwhatdidthetorrentdo？\"
\"Please，sir，itgurgled。\"
\"No；no。Streamsgurgle，torrents——？\"
\"Roar，sir。\"
\"Itroared。Andwhatmadeitroar？\"
Thiswasaposer。Oneboy——hewasnotourprizeintellect，I
admit——suggestedthegirl。TohelpustheProfessorputhisquestioninanotherform：
\"Whendiditroar？\"
Ourthirdboy，againcomingtotherescue，explainedthatitroaredwhenitfelldownamongtherocks。Ithinksomeofushadavagueideathatitmusthavebeenacowardlytorrenttomakesuchanoiseaboutalittlethinglikethis；apluckiertorrent，wefelt，wouldhavegotupandgoneon，sayingnothingaboutit。Atorrentthatroaredeverytimeitfelluponarockwedeemedapoorspiritedtorrent；buttheProfessorseemedquitecontentwithit。
\"Andwhatlivedinthiswoodbesidethegirl？\"wasthenextquestion。
\"Please，sir，birds，sir。\"
\"Yes，birdslivedinthiswood。Whatelse？\"
Birdsseemedtohaveexhaustedourideas。
\"Come，\"saidtheProfessor，\"whatarethoseanimalswithtails，thatrunuptrees？\"
Wethoughtforawhile，thenoneofussuggestedcats。
Thiswasanerror；thepoethadsaidnothingaboutcats；squirrelswaswhattheProfessorwastryingtoget。
Idonotrecallmuchmoreaboutthiswoodindetail。Ionlyrecollectthattheskywasintroducedintoit。Inplaceswherethereoccurredanopeningamongthetreesyoucouldbylookingupseetheskyaboveyou；veryoftentherewerecloudsinthissky，andoccasionally，ifIrememberrightly，thegirlgotwet。
Ihavedweltuponthisincident，becauseitseemstomesuggestiveofthewholequestionofsceneryinliterature。Icouldnotatthetime，Icannotnow，understandwhythetopboy’ssummarywasnotsufficient。Withallduedeferencetothepoet，whoeverhemayhavebeen，onecannotbutacknowledgethathiswoodwas，andcouldnotbeotherwisethan，\"theusualsortofawood。\"
IcoulddescribetheBlackForesttoyouatgreatlength。IcouldtranslatetoyouHebel，thepoetoftheBlackForest。Icouldwritepagesconcerningitsrockygorgesanditssmilingvalleys，itspine—cladslopes，itsrock—crownedsummits，itsfoamingrivulets（wherethetidyGermanhasnotcondemnedthemtoflowrespectablythroughwoodentroughsordrainpipes），itswhitevillages，itslonelyfarmsteads。
ButIamhauntedbythesuspicionyoumightskipallthis。Wereyousufficientlyconscientious——orweak—mindedenough——nottodoso，Ishould，allsaidanddone，succeedinconveyingtoyouonlyanimpressionmuchbettersummedupinthesimplewordsoftheunpretentiousguidebook：
\"Apicturesque，mountainousdistrict，boundedonthesouthandthewestbytheplainoftheRhine，towardswhichitsspursdescendprecipitately。Itsgeologicalformationconsistschieflyofvariegatedsandstoneandgranite；itslowerheightsbeingcoveredwithextensivepineforests。Itiswellwateredwithnumerousstreams，whileitspopulousvalleysarefertileandwellcultivated。Theinnsaregood；butthelocalwinesshouldbepartakenofbythestrangerwithdiscretion。\"
CHAPTERVI
WhywewenttoHanover——Somethingtheydobetterabroad——Theartofpoliteforeignconversation，astaughtinEnglishschools——Atruehistory，nowtoldforthefirsttime——TheFrenchjoke，asprovidedfortheamusementofBritishyouth——FatherlyinstinctsofHarris——
Theroad—waterer，consideredasanartist——PatriotismofGeorge——
WhatHarrisoughttohavedone——Whathedid——WesaveHarris’slife—
—Asleeplesscity——Thecab—horseasacritic。
WearrivedinHamburgonFridayafterasmoothanduneventfulvoyage；andfromHamburgwetravelledtoBerlinbywayofHanover。
Itisnotthemostdirectroute。IcanonlyaccountforourvisittoHanoverastheniggeraccountedtothemagistrateforhisappearanceintheDeacon’spoultry—yard。
\"Well？\"
\"Yes，sar，whattheconstablesezisquitetrue，sar；Iwasdar，sar。\"
\"Oh，soyouadmitit？Andwhatwereyoudoingwithasack，pray，inDeaconAbraham’spoultry—yardattwelveo’clockatnight？\"
\"I’segwinetertellyer，sar；yes，sar。I’dbeentoMassaJordan’swidasackofmelons。Yes，sar；an’MassaJordanhewuzvery’greeable，an’axedmefortercomein。\"
\"Yes，sar，very’greeablemanisMassaJordan。An’darwesatatalkingan’atalking——\"
\"Verylikely。WhatwewanttoknowiswhatyouweredoingintheDeacon’spoultry—yard？\"
\"Yes，sar，dat’swhatI’secummingto。Itwuzver’late’foreI
leftMassaJordan’s，an’denIseztermysel’，sezI，nowyerjeststepoutwithyerbestlegforemost，Ulysses，caseyergetsintotroublewiddeolewoman。Ver’talkativewomansheis，sar，very——
\"
\"Yes，nevermindher；thereareotherpeopleverytalkativeinthistownbesidesyourwife。DeaconAbraham’shouseishalfamileoutofyourwayhomefromMr。Jordan’s。Howdidyougetthere？\"
\"Dat’swhatI’ma—gwineterexplain，sar。\"
\"Iamgladofthat。Andhowdoyouproposetodoit？\"
\"Well，I’sethinkin’，sar，Imustha’digressed。\"
Itakeitwedigressedalittle。
Atfirst，fromsomereasonorother，Hanoverstrikesyouasanuninterestingtown，butitgrowsuponyou。Itisinrealitytwotowns；aplaceofbroad，modern，handsomestreetsandtastefulgardens；sidebysidewithasixteenth—centurytown，whereoldtimberedhousesoverhangthenarrowlanes；wherethroughlowarchwaysonecatchesglimpsesofgalleriedcourtyards，onceoftenthronged，nodoubt，withtroopsofhorse，orblockedwithlumberingcoachandsix，waitingitsrichmerchantowner，andhisfatplacidFrau，butwherenowchildrenandchickensscuttleattheirwill；
whileoverthecarvedbalconieshangdingyclothesa—drying。
AsingularlyEnglishatmospherehoversoverHanover，especiallyonSundays，whenitsshutteredshopsandclangingbellsgivetoitthesuggestionofasunnierLondon。NorwasthisBritishSundayatmosphereapparentonlytomyself，elseImighthaveattributedittoimagination；evenGeorgefeltit。HarrisandI，returningfromashortstrollwithourcigarsafterlunchontheSundayafternoon，foundhimpeacefullyslumberinginthesmoke—room’seasiestchair。
\"Afterall，\"saidHarris，\"thereissomethingabouttheBritishSundaythatappealstothemanwithEnglishbloodinhisveins。I
shouldbesorrytoseeitaltogetherdoneawaywith，letthenewgenerationsaywhatitwill。\"
Andtakingoneeachendoftheamplesettee，wekeptGeorgecompany。
ToHanoveroneshouldgo，theysay，tolearnthebestGerman。ThedisadvantageisthatoutsideHanover，whichisonlyasmallprovince，nobodyunderstandsthisbestGerman。ThusyouhavetodecidewhethertospeakgoodGermanandremaininHanover，orbadGermanandtravelabout。Germanybeingseparatedsomanycenturiesintoadozenprincipalities，isunfortunateinpossessingavarietyofdialects。GermansfromPosenwishfultoconversewithmenofWurtemburg，havetotalkasoftenasnotinFrenchorEnglish；andyoungladieswhohavereceivedanexpensiveeducationinWestphaliasurpriseanddisappointtheirparentsbybeingunabletounderstandawordsaidtotheminMechlenberg。AnEnglish—speakingforeigner，itistrue，wouldfindhimselfequallynonplussedamongtheYorkshirewolds，orinthepurlieusofWhitechapel；butthecasesarenotonallfours。ThroughoutGermanyitisnotonlyinthecountrydistrictsandamongtheuneducatedthatdialectsaremaintained。Everyprovincehaspracticallyitsownlanguage，ofwhichitisproudandretentive。AneducatedBavarianwilladmittoyouthat，academicallyspeaking，theNorthGermanismorecorrect；buthewillcontinuetospeakSouthGermanandtoteachittohischildren。
Inthecourseofthecentury，IaminclinedtothinkthatGermanywillsolveherdifficultyinthisrespectbyspeakingEnglish。
EveryboyandgirlinGermany，abovethepeasantclass，speaksEnglish。WereEnglishpronunciationlessarbitrary，thereisnottheslightestdoubtbutthatinthecourseofaveryfewyears，comparativelyspeaking，itwouldbecomethelanguageoftheworld。
Allforeignersagreethat，grammatically，itistheeasiestlanguageofanytolearn。AGerman，comparingitwithhisownlanguage，whereeverywordineverysentenceisgovernedbyatleastfourdistinctandseparaterules，tellsyouthatEnglishhasnogrammar。AgoodmanyEnglishpeoplewouldseemtohavecometothesameconclusion；buttheyarewrong。Asamatteroffact，thereisanEnglishgrammar，andoneofthesedaysourschoolswillrecognisethefact，anditwillbetaughttoourchildren，penetratingmaybeevenintoliteraryandjournalisticcircles。Butatpresentweappeartoagreewiththeforeignerthatitisaquantityneglectable。Englishpronunciationisthestumbling—blocktoourprogress。Englishspellingwouldseemtohavebeendesignedchieflyasadisguisetopronunciation。Itisacleveridea，calculatedtocheckpresumptiononthepartoftheforeigner；butforthathewouldlearnitinayear。
FortheyhaveawayofteachinglanguagesinGermanythatisnotourway，andtheconsequenceisthatwhentheGermanyouthormaidenleavesthegymnasiumorhighschoolatfifteen，\"it\"（asinGermanyoneconvenientlymaysay）canunderstandandspeakthetongueithasbeenlearning。InEnglandwehaveamethodthatforobtainingtheleastpossibleresultatthegreatestpossibleexpenditureoftimeandmoneyisperhapsunequalled。AnEnglishboywhohasbeenthroughagoodmiddle—classschoolinEnglandcantalktoaFrenchman，slowlyandwithdifficulty，aboutfemalegardenersandaunts；conversationwhich，toamanpossessedperhapsofneither，isliabletopall。Possibly，ifhebeabrightexception，hemaybeabletotellthetime，ormakeafewguardedobservationsconcerningtheweather。Nodoubthecouldrepeatagoodlynumberofirregularverbsbyheart；only，asamatteroffact，fewforeignerscaretolistentotheirownirregularverbs，recitedbyyoungEnglishmen。LikewisehemightbeabletorememberachoiceselectionofgrotesquelyinvolvedFrenchidioms，suchasnomodernFrenchmanhaseverheardorunderstandswhenhedoeshear。
Theexplanationisthat，inninecasesoutoften，hehaslearntFrenchfroman\"Ahn’sFirst—Course。\"Thehistoryofthisfamousworkisremarkableandinstructive。Thebookwasoriginallywrittenforajoke，byawittyFrenchmanwhohadresidedforsomeyearsinEngland。HeintendeditasasatireupontheconversationalpowersofBritishsociety。Fromthispointofviewitwasdistinctlygood。HesubmittedittoaLondonpublishingfirm。Themanagerwasashrewdman。Hereadthebookthrough。
Thenhesentfortheauthor。
\"Thisbookofyours，\"saidhetotheauthor，\"isveryclever。I
havelaughedoveritmyselftillthetearscame。\"
\"Iamdelightedtohearyousayso，\"repliedthepleasedFrenchman。
\"Itriedtobetruthfulwithoutbeingunnecessarilyoffensive。\"
\"Itismostamusing，\"concurredthemanager；\"andyetpublishedasaharmlessjoke，Ifeelitwouldfail。\"
Theauthor’sfacefell。
\"Itshumour，\"proceededthemanager，\"wouldbedenouncedasforcedandextravagant。Itwouldamusethethoughtfulandintelligent，butfromabusinesspointofviewthatportionofthepublicareneverworthconsidering。ButIhaveanidea，\"continuedthemanager。Heglancedroundtheroomtobesuretheywerealone，andleaningforwardsunkhisvoicetoawhisper。\"Mynotionistopublishitasaseriousworkfortheuseofschools！\"
Theauthorstared，speechless。
\"IknowtheEnglishschoolman，\"saidthemanager；\"thisbookwillappealtohim。Itwillexactlyfitinwithhismethod。Nothingsillier，nothingmoreuselessforthepurposewillheeverdiscover。Hewillsmackhislipsoverthebook，asapuppylicksupblacking。\"
Theauthor，sacrificingarttogreed，consented。Theyalteredthetitleandaddedavocabulary，butleftthebookotherwiseasitwas。
Theresultisknowntoeveryschoolboy。\"Ahn\"becamethepalladiumofEnglishphilologicaleducation。Ifitnolongerretainsitsubiquity，itisbecausesomethingevenlessadaptabletotheobjectinviewhasbeensinceinvented。
Lest，inspiteofall，theBritishschoolboyshouldobtain，evenfromthelikeof\"Ahn，\"someglimmeringofFrench，theBritisheducationalmethodfurtherhandicapshimbybestowinguponhimtheassistanceof，whatistermedintheprospectus，\"Anativegentleman。\"ThisnativeFrenchgentleman，who，by—the—by，isgenerallyaBelgian，isnodoubtamostworthyperson，andcan，itistrue，understandandspeakhisownlanguagewithtolerablefluency。Therehisqualificationscease。Invariablyheisamanwithaquiteremarkableinabilitytoteachanybodyanything。
Indeed，hewouldseemtobechosennotsomuchasaninstructorasanamuserofyouth。Heisalwaysacomicfigure。NoFrenchmanofadignifiedappearancewouldbeengagedforanyEnglishschool。Ifhepossessbynatureafewharmlesspeculiarities，calculatedtocausemerriment，somuchthemoreisheesteemedbyhisemployers。
Theclassnaturallyregardshimasananimatedjoke。Thetwotofourhoursaweekthataredeliberatelywastedonthisancientfarce，arelookedforwardtobytheboysasamerryinterludeinanotherwisemonotonousexistence。Andthen，whentheproudparenttakeshissonandheirtoDieppemerelytodiscoverthattheladdoesnotknowenoughtocallacab，heabusesnotthesystem，butitsinnocentvictim。
IconfinemyremarkstoFrench，becausethatistheonlylanguageweattempttoteachouryouth。AnEnglishboywhocouldspeakGermanwouldbelookeddownuponasunpatriotic。WhywewastetimeinteachingevenFrenchaccordingtothismethodIhaveneverbeenabletounderstand。Aperfectunacquaintancewithalanguageisrespectable。Butputtingasidecomicjournalistsandladynovelists，forwhomitisabusinessnecessity，thissmatteringofFrenchwhichwearesoproudtopossessonlyservestorenderusridiculous。
IntheGermanschoolthemethodissomewhatdifferent。Onehoureverydayisdevotedtothesamelanguage。Theideaisnottogivetheladtimebetweeneachlessontoforgetwhathelearnedatthelast；theideaisforhimtogeton。Thereisnocomicforeignerprovidedforhisamusement。ThedesiredlanguageistaughtbyaGermanschool—masterwhoknowsitinsideandoutasthoroughlyasheknowshisown。MaybethissystemdoesnotprovidetheGermanyouthwiththatperfectionofforeignaccentforwhichtheBritishtouristisineverylandremarkable，butithasotheradvantages。
Theboydoesnotcallhismaster\"froggy，\"or\"sausage，\"norpreparefortheFrenchorEnglishhouranyexhibitionofhomelywitwhatever。Hejustsitsthere，andforhisownsaketriestolearnthatforeigntonguewithaslittletroubletoeverybodyconcernedaspossible。Whenhehasleftschoolhecantalk，notaboutpenknivesandgardenersandauntsmerely，butaboutEuropeanpolitics，history，Shakespeare，orthemusicalglasses，accordingtotheturntheconversationmaytake。
ViewingtheGermanpeoplefromanAnglo—Saxonstandpoint，itmaybethatinthisbookIshallfindoccasiontocriticisethem：butontheotherhandthereismuchthatwemightlearnfromthem；andinthematterofcommonsense，asappliedtoeducation，theycangiveusninety—nineinahundredandbeatuswithonehand。
ThebeautifulwoodoftheEilenriedeboundsHanoveronthesouthandwest，andhereoccurredasaddramainwhichHarristookaprominentpart。
WewereridingourmachinesthroughthiswoodontheMondayafternooninthecompanyofmanyothercyclists，foritisafavouriteresortwiththeHanoveriansonasunnyafternoon，anditsshadypathwaysarethenfilledwithhappy，thoughtlessfolk。Amongthemrodeayoungandbeautifulgirlonamachinethatwasnew。
Shewasevidentlyanoviceonthebicycle。Onefeltinstinctivelythattherewouldcomeamomentwhenshewouldrequirehelp，andHarris，withhisaccustomedchivalry，suggestedweshouldkeepnearher。Harris，asheoccasionallyexplainstoGeorgeandtomyself，hasdaughtersofhisown，or，tospeakmorecorrectly，adaughter，whoastheyearsprogresswillnodoubtceasepractisingcatherinewheelsinthefrontgarden，andwillgrowupintoabeautifulandrespectableyounglady。ThisnaturallygivesHarrisaninterestinallbeautifulgirlsuptotheageofthirty—fiveorthereabouts；
theyremindhim，sohesays，ofhome。
Wehadriddenforabouttwomiles，whenwenoticed，alittleaheadofusinaspacewherefivewaysmet，amanwithahose，wateringtheroads。Thepipe，supportedateachjointbyapairoftinywheels，writhedafterhimashemoved，suggestingagigantic—worm，fromwhoseopenneck，astheman，grippingitfirmlyinbothhands，pointingitnowthisway，andnowthat，nowelevatingit，nowdepressingit，pouredastrongstreamofwaterattherateofaboutagallonasecond。
\"Whatamuchbettermethodthanours，\"observedHarris，enthusiastically。HarrisisinclinedtobechronicallysevereonallBritishinstitutions。\"Howmuchsimpler，quicker，andmoreeconomical！Yousee，onemanbythismethodcaninfiveminuteswaterastretchofroadthatwouldtakeuswithourclumsylumberingcarthalfanhourtocover。\"
George，whowasridingbehindmeonthetandem，said，\"Yes，anditisalsoamethodbywhichwithalittlecarelessnessamancouldcoveragoodmanypeopleinagooddeallesstimethantheycouldgetoutoftheway。\"
George，theoppositetoHarris，isBritishtothecore。IrememberGeorgequitepatrioticallyindignantwithHarrisonceforsuggestingtheintroductionoftheguillotineintoEngland。
\"Itissomuchneater，\"saidHarris。
\"Idon’tcareifitis，\"saidGeorge；\"I’manEnglishman；hangingisgoodenoughforme。\"
\"Ourwater—cartmayhaveitsdisadvantages，\"continuedGeorge，\"butitcanonlymakeyouuncomfortableaboutthelegs，andyoucanavoidit。Thisisthesortofmachinewithwhichamancanfollowyouroundthecornerandupstairs。\"
\"Itfascinatesmetowatchthem，\"saidHarris。\"Theyaresoskilful。IhaveseenamanfromthecornerofacrowdedsquareinStrassburgcovereveryinchofground，andnotsomuchaswetanapronstring。Itismarvelloushowtheyjudgetheirdistance。
Theywillsendthewateruptoyourtoes，andthenbringitoveryourheadsothatitfallsaroundyourheels。Theycan——\"
\"Easeupaminute，\"saidGeorge。Isaid：\"Why？\"
Hesaid：\"Iamgoingtogetoffandwatchtherestofthisshowfrombehindatree。Theremaybegreatperformersinthisline，asHarrissays；thisparticularartistappearstometolacksomething。Hehasjustsousedadog，andnowhe’sbusywateringasign—post。Iamgoingtowaittillhehasfinished。\"
\"Nonsense，\"saidHarris；\"hewon’twetyou。\"
\"ThatispreciselywhatIamgoingtomakesureof，\"answeredGeorge，sayingwhichhejumpedoff，and，takingupapositionbehindaremarkablyfineelm，pulledoutandcommencedfillinghispipe。
Ididnotcaretotakethetandemonbymyself，soIsteppedoffandjoinedhim，leavingthemachineagainstatree。Harrisshoutedsomethingorotheraboutourbeingadisgracetothelandthatgaveusbirth，androdeon。
ThenextmomentIheardawoman’scryofdistress。Glancingroundthestemofthetree，Iperceivedthatitproceededfromtheyoungandelegantladybeforementioned，whom，inourinterestconcerningtheroad—waterer，wehadforgotten。Shewasridinghermachinesteadilyandstraightlythroughadrenchingshowerofwaterfromthehose。Sheappearedtobetooparalysedeithertogetofforturnherwheelaside。Everyinstantshewasbecomingwetter，whilethemanwiththehose，whowaseitherdrunkorblind，continuedtopourwateruponherwithutterindifference。Adozenvoicesyelledimprecationsuponhim，buthetooknoheedwhatever。
Harris，hisfatherlynaturestirredtoitsdepths，didatthispointwhat，underthecircumstances，wasquitetherightandproperthingtodo。Hadheactedthroughoutwiththesamecoolnessandjudgmenthethendisplayed，hewouldhaveemergedfromthatincidenttheheroofthehour，insteadof，ashappened，ridingawayfollowedbyinsultandthreat。Withoutamoment’shesitationhespurtedattheman，sprangtotheground，and，seizingthehosebythenozzle，attemptedtowrestitaway。
Whatheoughttohavedone，whatanymanretaininghiscommonsensewouldhavedonethemomenthegothishandsuponthething，wastoturnoffthetap。Thenhemighthaveplayedfoot—ballwiththeman，orbattledoreandshuttlecockashepleased；andthetwentyorthirtypeoplewhohadrushedforwardtoassistwouldhaveonlyapplauded。Hisidea，however，asheexplainedtousafterwards，wastotakeawaythehosefromtheman，and，forpunishment，turnituponthefoolhimself。Thewaterman’sideaappearedtobethesame，namely，toretainthehoseasaweaponwithwhichtosoakHarris。Ofcourse，theresultwasthat，betweenthem，theysousedeverydeadandlivingthingwithinfiftyyards，exceptthemselves。
Onefuriousman，toodrenchedtocarewhatmorehappenedtohim，leaptintothearenaandalsotookahand。Thethreeamongthemproceededtosweepthecompasswiththathose。Theypointedittoheaven，andthewaterdescendeduponthepeopleintheformofanequinoctialstorm。Theypointeditdownwards，andsentthewaterinrushingstreamsthattookpeopleofftheirfeet，orcaughtthemaboutthewaistline，anddoubledthemup。
Notoneofthemwouldloosenhisgripuponthehose，notoneofthemthoughttoturnthewateroff。Youmighthaveconcludedtheywerestrugglingwithsomeprimevalforceofnature。Inforty—fiveseconds，soGeorgesaid，whowastimingit，theyhadsweptthatcircusbareofeverylivingthingexceptonedog，who，drippinglikeawaternymph，rolledoverbytheforceofwater，nowonthisside，nowonthat，stillgallantlystaggeredagainandagaintoitsfeettobarkdefianceatwhatitevidentlyregardedasthepowersofhellletloose。
Menandwomenlefttheirmachinesupontheground，andflewintothewoods。Frombehindeverytreeofimportancepeepedoutwet，angryheads。
Atlast，therearriveduponthesceneonemanofsense。Bravingallthings，hecrepttothehydrant，wherestillstoodtheironkey，andscreweditdown。Andthenfromfortytreesbegantocreepmoreorlesssoakedhumanbeings，eachonewithsomethingtosay。
AtfirstIfelltowonderingwhetherastretcheroraclothesbasketwouldbethemoreusefulfortheconveyanceofHarris’sremainsbacktothehotel。IconsiderthatGeorge’spromptnessonthatoccasionsavedHarris’slife。Beingdry，andthereforeabletorunquicker，hewastherebeforethecrowd。Harriswasforexplainingthings，butGeorgecuthimshort。
\"Yougetonthat，\"saidGeorge，handinghimhisbicycle，\"andgo。
Theydon’tknowwebelongtoyou，andyoumaytrustusimplicitlynottorevealthesecret。We’llhangaboutbehind，andgetintheirway。Ridezig—zagincasetheyshoot。\"
Iwishthisbooktobeastrictrecordoffact，unmarredbyexaggeration，andthereforeIhaveshownmydescriptionofthisincidenttoHarris，lestanythingbeyondbaldnarrativemayhavecreptintoit。Harrismaintainsitisexaggerated，butadmitsthatoneortwopeoplemayhavebeen\"sprinkled。\"Ihaveofferedtoturnastreethoseonhimatadistanceoffive—and—twentyyards，andtakehisopinionafterwards，astowhether\"sprinkled\"istheadequateterm，buthehasdeclinedthetest。Again，heinsiststherecouldnothavebeenmorethanhalfadozenpeople，attheoutside，involvedinthecatastrophe，thatfortyisaridiculousmisstatement。IhaveofferedtoreturnwithhimtoHanoverandmakestrictinquiryintothematter，andthisofferhehaslikewisedeclined。Underthesecircumstances，Imaintainthatmineisatrueandrestrainednarrativeofaneventthatis，byacertainnumberofHanoverians，rememberedwithbitternessuntothisveryday。
WeleftHanoverthatsameevening，andarrivedatBerlinintimeforsupperandaneveningstroll。Berlinisadisappointingtown；
itscentreover—crowded，itsoutlyingpartslifeless；itsonefamousstreet，UnterdenLinden，anattempttocombineOxfordStreetwiththeChampsElysee，singularlyunimposing，beingmuchtoowideforitssize；itstheatresdaintyandcharming，whereactingisconsideredofmoreimportancethansceneryordress，wherelongrunsareunknown，successfulpiecesbeingplayedagainandagain，butneverconsecutively，sothatforaweekrunningyoumaygotothesameBerlintheatre，andseeafreshplayeverynight；itsoperahouseunworthyofit；itstwomusichalls，withanunnecessarysuggestionofvulgarityandcommonnessaboutthem，ill—
arrangedandmuchtoolargeforcomfort。IntheBerlincafesandrestaurants，thebusytimeisfrommidnightontillthree。Yetmostofthepeoplewhofrequentthemareupagainatseven。EithertheBerlinerhassolvedthegreatproblemofmodernlife，howtodowithoutsleep，or，withCarlyle，hemustbelookingforwardtoeternity。
Personally，Iknowofnoothertownwheresuchlatehoursarethevogue，exceptSt。Petersburg。ButyourSt。Petersburgerdoesnotgetupearlyinthemorning。AtSt。Petersburg，themusichalls，whichitisthefashionablethingtoattendAFTERthetheatre——adrivetothemtakinghalfanhourinaswiftsleigh——donotpracticallybegintilltwelve。ThroughtheNevaatfouro’clockinthemorningyouhavetoliterallypushyourway；andthefavouritetrainsfortravellersarethosestartingaboutfiveo’clockinthemorning。ThesetrainssavetheRussianthetroubleofgettingupearly。Hewisheshisfriends\"Good—night，\"anddrivesdowntothestationcomfortablyaftersupper，withoutputtingthehousetoanyinconvenience。
Potsdam，theVersaillestoBerlin，isabeautifullittletown，situateamonglakesandwoods。Hereintheshadywaysofitsquiet，far—stretchingparkofSansSouci，itiseasytoimaginelean，snuffyFrederick\"bummeling\"withshrillVoltaire。
Actingonmyadvice，GeorgeandHarrisconsentednottostaylonginBerlin；buttopushontoDresden。MostthatBerlinhastoshowcanbeseenbetterelsewhere，andwedecidedtobecontentwithadrivethroughthetown。Thehotelporterintroducedustoadroschkedriver，underwhoseguidance，soheassuredus，weshouldseeeverythingworthseeingintheshortestpossibletime。Themanhimself，whocalledforusatnineo’clockinthemorning，wasallthatcouldbedesired。Hewasbright，intelligent，andwell—
informed；hisGermanwaseasytounderstand，andheknewalittleEnglishwithwhichtoekeitoutonoccasion。Withthemanhimselftherewasnofaulttobefound，buthishorsewasthemostunsympatheticbruteIhaveeversatbehind。
Hetookadisliketousthemomenthesawus。Iwasthefirsttocomeoutofthehotel。Heturnedhishead，andlookedmeupanddownwithacold，glassyeye；andthenhelookedacrossatanotherhorse，afriendofhisthatwasstandingfacinghim。Iknewwhathesaid。Hehadanexpressivehead，andhemadenoattempttodisguisehisthought。
Hesaid：
\"Funnythingsonedoescomeacrossinthesummertime，don’tone？\"
Georgefollowedmeoutthenextmoment，andstoodbehindme。Thehorseagainturnedhisheadandlooked。Ihaveneverknownahorsethatcouldtwisthimselfasthishorsedid。Ihaveseenacameloparddotrick’swithhisneckthatcompelledone’sattention，butthisanimalwasmorelikethethingonedreamsofafteradustydaysatAscot，followedbyadinnerwithsixoldchums。IfIhadseenhiseyeslookingatmefrombetweenhisownhindlegs，IdoubtifIshouldhavebeensurprised。HeseemedmoreamusedwithGeorgeifanything，thanwithmyself。Heturnedtohisfriendagain。
\"Extraordinary，isn’tit？\"heremarked；\"Isupposetheremustbesomeplacewheretheygrowthem\"；andthenhecommencedlickingfliesoffhisownleftshoulder。Ibegantowonderwhetherhehadlosthismotherwhenyoung，andhadbeenbroughtupbyacat。
GeorgeandIclimbedin，andsatwaitingforHarris。Hecameamomentlater。Myself，Ithoughthelookedratherneat。Heworeawhiteflannelknickerbockersuit，whichhehadhadmadespeciallyforbicyclinginhotweather；hishatmayhavebeenatrifleoutofthecommon，butitdidkeepthesunoff。
Thehorsegaveonelookathim，said\"GottinHimmel！\"asplainlyaseverhorsespoke，andstartedoffdownFriedrichStrasseatabriskwalk，leavingHarrisandthedriverstandingonthepavement。
Hisownercalledtohimtostop，buthetooknonotice。Theyranafterus，andovertookusatthecorneroftheDorotheenStrasse。
Icouldnotcatchwhatthemansaidtothehorse，hespokequicklyandexcitedly；butIgatheredafewphrases，suchas：
\"Gottoearnmylivingsomehow，haven’tI？Whoaskedforyouropinion？Aye，littleyoucaresolongasyoucanguzzle。\"
ThehorsecuttheconversationshortbyturninguptheDorotheenStrasseonhisownaccount。Ithinkwhathesaidwas：
\"Comeonthen；don’ttalksomuch。Let’sgetthejobover，and，wherepossible，let’skeeptothebackstreets。\"
OppositetheBrandenburgerThorourdriverhitchedthereinstothewhip，climbeddown，andcameroundtoexplainthingstous。HepointedouttheThiergarten，andthendescantedtousoftheReichstagHouse。Heinformedusofitsexactheight，length，andbreadth，afterthemannerofguides。ThenheturnedhisattentiontotheGate。Hesaiditwasconstructedofsandstone，inimitationofthe\"Properleer\"inAthens。
Atthispointthehorse，whichhadbeenoccupyingitsleisurelickingitsownlegs，turnedrounditshead。Itdidnotsayanything，itjustlooked。
Themanbeganagainnervously。Thistimehesaiditwasanimitationofthe\"Propeyedliar。\"
HerethehorseproceededuptheLinden，andnothingwouldpersuadehimnottoproceeduptheLinden。Hisownerexpostulatedwithhim，buthecontinuedtotroton。Fromthewayhehitchedhisshouldersashemoved，Isomehowfelthewassaying：
\"They’veseentheGate，haven’tthey？Verywell，that’senough。
Asfortherest，youdon’tknowwhatyouaretalkingabout，andtheywouldn’tunderstandyouifyoudid。YoutalkGerman。\"
ItwasthesamethroughoutthelengthoftheLinden。Thehorseconsentedtostandstillsufficientlylongtoenableustohaveagoodlookateachsight，andtohearthenameofit。Allexplanationanddescriptionhecutshortbythesimpleprocessofmovingon。
\"Whatthesefellowswant，\"heseemedtosaytohimself，\"istogohomeandtellpeopletheyhaveseenthesethings。IfIamdoingthemaninjustice，iftheyaremoreintelligentthantheylook，theycangetbetterinformationthanthisoldfoolofmineisgivingthemfromtheguidebook。Whowantstoknowhowhighasteepleis？Youdon’trememberitthenextfiveminuteswhenyouaretold，andifyoudoitisbecauseyouhavegotnothingelseinyourhead。Hejusttiresmewithhistalk。Whydoesn’thehurryup，andletusallgethometolunch？\"
Uponreflection，Iamnotsurethatwall—eyedoldbrutehadnotsenseonitsside。Anyhow，Iknowtherehavebeenoccasions，withaguide，whenIwouldhavebeengladofitsinterference。
Butoneisaptto\"sinone’smercies，\"astheScotchsay，andatthetimewecursedthathorseinsteadofblessingit。
CHAPTERVII
Georgewonders——Germanloveoforder——\"TheBandoftheSchwarzwaldBlackbirdswillperformatseven\"——Thechinadog——Itssuperiorityoverallotherdogs——TheGermanandthesolarsystem——Atidycountry——Themountainvalleyasitoughttobe，accordingtotheGermanidea——HowthewaterscomedowninGermany——ThescandalofDresden——Harrisgivesanentertainment——Itisunappreciated——Georgeandtheauntofhim——George，acushion，andthreedamsels。
AtapointbetweenBerlinandDresden，George，whohad，forthelastquarterofanhourorso，beenlookingveryattentivelyoutofthewindow，said：
\"Why，inGermany，isitthecustomtoputtheletter—boxupatree？
Whydotheynotfixittothefrontdooraswedo？Ishouldhatehavingtoclimbupatreetogetmyletters。Besides，itisnotfairtothepostman。Inadditiontobeingmostexhausting，thedeliveryoflettersmusttoaheavyman，onwindynights，bepositivelydangerouswork。Iftheywillfixittoatree，whynotfixitlowerdown，whyalwaysamongthetopmostbranches？But，maybe，Iammisjudgingthecountry，\"hecontinued，anewideaoccurringtohim。\"PossiblytheGermans，whoareinmanymattersaheadofus，haveperfectedapigeonpost。Evenso，Icannothelpthinkingtheywouldhavebeenwisertotrainthebirds，whiletheywereaboutit，todeliverthelettersnearertheground。Gettingyourlettersoutofthoseboxesmustbetrickyworkeventotheaveragemiddle—agedGerman。\"
Ifollowedhisgazeoutofwindow。Isaid：
\"Thosearenotletter—boxes，theyarebirds’nests。Youmustunderstandthisnation。TheGermanlovesbirds，buthelikestidybirds。Abirdlefttohimselfbuildshisnestjustanywhere。Itisnotaprettyobject，accordingtotheGermannotionofprettiness。Thereisnotabitofpaintonitanywhere，notaplasterimageallround，notevenaflag。Thenestfinished，thebirdproceedstoliveoutsideit。Hedropsthingsonthegrass；
twigs，endsofworms，allsortsofthings。Heisindelicate。Hemakeslove，quarrelswithhiswife，andfeedsthechildrenquiteinpublic。TheGermanhouseholderisshocked。Hesaystothebird：
\"’FormanythingsIlikeyou。Iliketolookatyou。Iliketohearyousing。ButIdon’tlikeyourways。Takethislittlebox，andputyourrubbishinsidewhereIcan’tseeit。Comeoutwhenyouwanttosing；butletyourdomesticarrangementsbeconfinedtotheinterior。Keeptothebox，anddon’tmakethegardenuntidy。’\"
InGermanyonebreathesinloveoforderwiththeair，inGermanythebabiesbeattimewiththeirrattles，andtheGermanbirdhascometopreferthebox，andtoregardwithcontemptthefewuncivilisedoutcastswhocontinuetobuildtheirnestsintreesandhedges。IncourseoftimeeveryGermanbird，oneisconfident，willhavehisproperplaceinafullchorus。Thispromiscuousanddesultorywarblingofhismust，onefeels，beirritatingtothepreciseGermanmind；thereisnomethodinit。Themusic—lovingGermanwillorganisehim。Somestoutbirdwithaspeciallywell—
developedcropwillbetrainedtoconducthim，and，insteadofwastinghimselfinawoodatfouro’clockinthemorning，hewill，attheadvertisedtime，singinabeergarden，accompaniedbyapiano。Thingsaredriftingthatway。
YourGermanlikesnature，buthisideaofnatureisaglorifiedWelshHarp。Hetakesgreatinterestinhisgarden。Heplantssevenrosetreesonthenorthsideandsevenonthesouth，andiftheydonotgrowupallthesamesizeandshapeitworrieshimsothathecannotsleepofnights。Everyflowerhetiestoastick。
Thisinterfereswithhisviewoftheflower，buthehasthesatisfactionofknowingitisthere，andthatitisbehavingitself。Thelakeislinedwithzinc，andonceaweekhetakesitup，carriesitintothekitchen，andscoursit。Inthegeometricalcentreofthegrassplot，whichissometimesaslargeasatableclothandisgenerallyrailedround，heplacesachinadog。
TheGermansareveryfondofdogs，butasaruletheypreferthemofchina。Thechinadogneverdigsholesinthelawntoburybones，andneverscattersaflower—bedtothewindswithhishindlegs。FromtheGermanpointofview，heistheidealdog。Hestopswhereyouputhim，andheisneverwhereyoudonotwanthim。
Youcanhavehimperfectinallpoints，accordingtothelatestrequirementsoftheKennelClub；oryoucanindulgeyourownfancyandhavesomethingunique。Youarenot，aswithotherdogs，limitedtobreed。Inchina，youcanhaveabluedogorapinkdog。
Foralittleextra，youcanhaveadouble—headeddog。
OnacertainfixeddateintheautumntheGermanstakeshisflowersandbushestotheearth，andcoversthemwithChinesematting；andonacertainfixeddateinthespringheuncoversthem，andstandsthemupagain。Ifithappenstobeanexceptionallyfineautumn，oranexceptionallylatespring，somuchtheworsefortheunfortunatevegetable。NotrueGermanwouldallowhisarrangementstobeinterferedwithbysounrulyathingasthesolarsystem。
Unabletoregulatetheweather，heignoresit。
Amongtrees，yourGerman’sfavouriteisthepoplar。Otherdisorderlynationsmaysingthecharmsoftheruggedoak，thespreadingchestnut，orthewavingelm。TotheGermanallsuch，withtheirwilful，untidyways，areeyesores。Thepoplargrowswhereitisplanted，andhowitisplanted。Ithasnoimproperruggedideasofitsown。Itdoesnotwanttowaveortospreaditself。ItjustgrowsstraightanduprightasaGermantreeshouldgrow；andsograduallytheGermanisrootingoutallothertrees，andreplacingthemwithpoplars。
YourGermanlikesthecountry，butheprefersitastheladythoughtshewouldthenoblesavage——moredressed。Helikeshiswalkthroughthewood——toarestaurant。Butthepathwaymustnotbetoosteep，itmusthaveabrickgutterrunningdownonesideofittodrainit，andeverytwentyyardsorsoitmusthaveitsseatonwhichhecanrestandmophisbrow；foryourGermanwouldnomorethinkofsittingonthegrassthanwouldanEnglishbishopdreamofrollingdownOneTreeHill。Helikeshisviewfromthesummitofthehill，buthelikestofindthereastonetablettellinghimwhattolookat，findatableandbenchatwhichhecansittopartakeofthefrugalbeerand\"belegteSemmel\"hehasbeencarefultobringwithhim。If，inaddition，hecanfindapolicenoticepostedonatree，forbiddinghimtodosomethingorother，thatgiveshimanextrasenseofcomfortandsecurity。
