YourGermanisnotaverseeventowildscenery，provideditbenottoowild。Butifheconsiderittoosavage，hesetstoworktotameit。Iremember，intheneighbourhoodofDresden，discoveringapicturesqueandnarrowvalleyleadingdowntowardstheElbe。Thewindingroadwayranbesideamountaintorrent，whichforamileorsofrettedandfoamedoverrocksandbouldersbetweenwood—coveredbanks。Ifolloweditenchanteduntil，turningacorner，Isuddenlycameacrossagangofeightyorahundredworkmen。Theywerebusytidyingupthatvalley，andmakingthatstreamrespectable。Allthestonesthatwereimpedingthecourseofthewatertheywerecarefullypickingoutandcartingaway。Thebankoneithersidetheywerebrickingupandcementing。Theoverhangingtreesandbushes，thetangledvinesandcreeperstheywererootingupandtrimmingdown。AlittlefurtherIcameuponthefinishedwork——themountainvalleyasitoughttobe，accordingtoGermanideas。Thewater，nowabroad，sluggishstream，flowedoveralevel，gravellybed，betweentwowallscrownedwithstonecoping。Ateveryhundredyardsitgentlydescendeddownthreeshallowwoodenplatforms。Foraspaceoneithersidethegroundhadbeencleared，andatregularintervalsyoungpoplarsplanted。Eachsaplingwasprotectedbyashieldofwickerworkandbossedbyanironrod。Inthecourseofacoupleofyearsitisthehopeofthelocalcounciltohave\"finished\"thatvalleythroughoutitsentirelength，andmadeitfitforatidy—mindedloverofGermannaturetowalkin。Therewillbeaseateveryfiftyyards，apolicenoticeeveryhundred，andarestauranteveryhalf—mile。
TheyaredoingthesamefromtheMemeltotheRhine。Theyarejusttidyingupthecountry。IrememberwelltheWehrthal。ItwasoncethemostromanticravinetobefoundintheBlackForest。ThelasttimeIwalkeddownitsomehundredsofItalianworkmenwereencampedtherehardatwork，trainingthewildlittleWehrthewayitshouldgo，brickingthebanksforithere，blastingtherocksforitthere，makingcementstepsforitdownwhichitcantravelsoberlyandwithoutfuss。
ForinGermanythereisnononsensetalkedaboutuntrammellednature。InGermanynaturehasgottobehaveherself，andnotsetabadexampletothechildren。AGermanpoet，noticingwaterscomingdownasSoutheydescribes，somewhatinexactly，thewaterscomingdownatLodore，wouldbetooshockedtostopandwritealliterativeverseaboutthem。Hewouldhurryaway，andatoncereportthemtothepolice。Thentheirfoamingandtheirshriekingwouldbeofshortduration。
\"Nowthen，nowthen，what’sallthisabout？\"thevoiceofGermanauthoritywouldsayseverelytothewaters。\"Wecan’thavethissortofthing，youknow。Comedownquietly，can’tyou？Wheredoyouthinkyouare？\"
AndthelocalGermancouncilwouldprovidethosewaterswithzincpipesandwoodentroughs，andacorkscrewstaircase，andshowthemhowtocomedownsensibly，intheGermanmanner。
ItisatidylandisGermany。
WereachedDresdenontheWednesdayevening，andstayedthereovertheSunday。
Takingoneconsiderationwithanother，Dresden，perhaps，isthemostattractivetowninGermany；butitisaplacetobelivedinforawhileratherthanvisited。Itsmuseumsandgalleries，itspalacesandgardens，itsbeautifulandhistoricallyrichenvironment，providepleasureforawinter，butbewilderforaweek。IthasnotthegaietyofParisorVienna，whichquicklypalls；itscharmsaremoresolidlyGerman，andmorelasting。ItistheMeccaofthemusician。Forfiveshillings，inDresden，youcanpurchaseastallattheoperahouse，together，unfortunately，withastrongdisinclinationeveragaintotakethetroubleofsittingoutaperformanceinanyEnglish，French，or，Americanoperahouse。
ThechiefscandalofDresdenstillcentresroundAugusttheStrong，\"theManofSin，\"asCarlylealwayscalledhim，whoispopularlyreputedtohavecursedEuropewithoverathousandchildren。
Castleswhereheimprisonedthisdiscardedmistressorthat——oneofthem，whopersistedinherclaimtoabettertitle，forfortyyears，itissaid，poorlady！Thenarrowroomswheresheateherheartoutanddiedarestillshown。Chateaux，shamefulforthisdeedofinfamyorthat，liescatteredroundtheneighbourhoodlikebonesaboutabattlefield；andmostofyourguide’sstoriesaresuchasthe\"youngperson\"educatedinGermanyhadbestnothear。
Hislife—sizedportraithangsinthefineZwinger，whichhebuiltasanarenaforhiswildbeastfightswhenthepeoplegrewtiredoftheminthemarket—place；abeetle—browed，franklyanimalman，butwiththecultureandtastethatsooftenwaituponanimalism。
ModernDresdenundoubtedlyowesmuchtohim。
ButwhatthestrangerinDresdenstaresatmostis，perhaps，itselectrictrams。Thesehugevehiclesflashthroughthestreetsatfromtentotwentymilesanhour，takingcurvesandcornersafterthemannerofanIrishcardriver。Everybodytravelsbythem，exceptingonlyofficersinuniform，whomustnot。Ladiesineveningdress，goingtoballoropera，porterswiththeirbaskets，sitsidebyside。Theyareall—importantinthestreets，andeverythingandeverybodymakeshastetogetoutoftheirway。Ifyoudonotgetoutoftheirway，andyoustillhappentobealivewhenpickedup，thenonyourrecoveryyouarefinedforhavingbeenintheirway。Thisteachesyoutobewaryofthem。
OneafternoonHarristooka\"bummel\"byhimself。Intheevening，aswesatlisteningtothebandattheBelvedere，Harrissaid，aproposofnothinginparticular，\"TheseGermanshavenosenseofhumour。\"
\"Whatmakesyouthinkthat？\"Iasked。
\"Why，thisafternoon，\"heanswered，\"Ijumpedononeofthoseelectrictramcars。Iwantedtoseethetown，soIstoodoutsideonthelittleplatform——whatdoyoucallit？\"
\"TheStehplatz，\"Isuggested。
\"That’sit，\"saidHarris。\"Well，youknowthewaytheyshakeyouabout，andhowyouhavetolookoutforthecorners，andmindyourselfwhentheystopandwhentheystart？\"
Inodded。
\"Therewereabouthalfadozenofusstandingthere，\"hecontinued，\"and，ofcourse，Iamnotexperienced。Thethingstartedsuddenly，andthatjerkedmebackwards。Ifellagainstastoutgentleman，justbehindme。Hecouldnothavebeenstandingveryfirmlyhimself，andhe，inhisturn，fellbackagainstaboywhowascarryingatrumpetinagreenbaizecase。Theyneversmiled，neitherthemannortheboywiththetrumpet；theyjuststoodthereandlookedsulky。IwasgoingtosayIwassorry，butbeforeI
couldgetthewordsoutthetrameasedup，forsomereasonorother，andthat，ofcourse，shotmeforwardagain，andIbuttedintoawhite—hairedoldchap，wholookedtomelikeaprofessor。
Well，HEneversmiled，nevermovedamuscle。\"
\"Maybe，hewasthinkingofsomethingelse，\"Isuggested。
\"Thatcouldnothavebeenthecasewiththemall，\"repliedHarris，\"andinthecourseofthatjourney，Imusthavefallenagainsteveryoneofthematleastthreetimes。Yousee，\"explainedHarris，\"theyknewwhenthecornerswerecoming，andinwhichdirectiontobracethemselves。I，asastranger，wasnaturallyatadisadvantage。ThewayIrolledandstaggeredaboutthatplatform，clutchingwildlynowatthismanandnowatthat，musthavebeenreallycomic。Idon’tsayitwashigh—classhumour，butitwouldhaveamusedmostpeople。ThoseGermansseemedtoseenofuninitwhatever——justseemedanxious，thatwasall。Therewasoneman，alittleman，whostoodwithhisbackagainstthebrake；I
fellagainsthimfivetimes，Icountedthem。Youwouldhaveexpectedthefifthtimewouldhavedraggedalaughoutofhim，butitdidn’t；hemerelylookedtired。Theyareadulllot。\"
GeorgealsohadanadventureatDresden。TherewasashopneartheAltmarkt，inthewindowofwhichwereexhibitedsomecushionsforsale。Theproperbusinessoftheshopwashandlingofglassandchina；thecushionsappearedtobeinthenatureofanexperiment。
Theywereverybeautifulcushions，hand—embroideredonsatin。Weoftenpassedtheshop，andeverytimeGeorgepausedandexaminedthosecushions。Hesaidhethoughthisauntwouldlikeone。
Georgehasbeenveryattentivetothisauntofhisduringthejourney。Hehaswrittenherquitealonglettereveryday，andfromeverytownwestopathesendsheroffapresent。Tomymind，heisoverdoingthebusiness，andmorethanonceIhaveexpostulatedwithhim。Hisauntwillbemeetingotheraunts，andtalkingtothem；thewholeclasswillbecomedisorganisedandunruly。Asanephew，IobjecttotheimpossiblestandardthatGeorgeissettingup。Buthewillnotlisten。
ThereforeitwasthatontheSaturdayheleftusafterlunch，sayinghewouldgoroundtothatshopandgetoneofthosecushionsforhisaunt。Hesaidhewouldnotbelong，andsuggestedourwaitingforhim。
Wewaitedforwhatseemedtomeratheralongtime。Whenherejoinedushewasemptyhanded，andlookedworried。Weaskedhimwherehiscushionwas。Hesaidhehadn’tgotacushion，saidhehadchangedhismind，saidhedidn’tthinkhisauntwouldcareforacushion。Evidentlysomethingwasamiss。Wetriedtogetatthebottomofit，buthewasnotcommunicative。Indeed，hisanswersafterourtwentiethquestionorthereaboutsbecamequiteshort。
Intheevening，however，whenheandIhappenedtobealone，hebroachedthesubjecthimself。Hesaid：
\"Theyaresomewhatpeculiarinsomethings，theseGermans。\"
Isaid：\"Whathashappened？\"
\"Well，\"heanswered，\"therewasthatcushionIwanted。\"
\"Foryouraunt，\"Iremarked。
\"Whynot？\"hereturned。Hewashuffyinamoment；Ineverknewamansotouchyaboutanaunt。\"Whyshouldn’tIsendacushiontomyaunt？\"
\"Don’tgetexcited，\"Ireplied。\"Iamnotobjecting；Irespectyouforit。\"
Herecoveredhistemper，andwenton：
\"Therewerefourinthewindow，ifyouremember，allverymuchalike，andeachonelabelledinplainfigurestwentymarks。I
don’tpretendtospeakGermanfluently，butIcangenerallymakemyselfunderstoodwithalittleeffort，andgatherthesenseofwhatissaidtome，providedtheydon’tgabble。Iwentintotheshop。Ayounggirlcameuptome；shewasapretty，quietlittlesoul，onemightalmostsay，demure；notatallthesortofgirlfromwhomyouwouldhaveexpectedsuchathing。Iwasnevermoresurprisedinallmylife。\"
\"Surprisedaboutwhat？\"Isaid。
Georgealwaysassumesyouknowtheendofthestorywhileheistellingyouthebeginning；itisanannoyingmethod。
\"Atwhathappened，\"repliedGeorge；\"atwhatIamtellingyou。ShesmiledandaskedmewhatIwanted。Iunderstoodthatallright；
therecouldhavebeennomistakeaboutthat。Iputdownatwentymarkpieceonthecounterandsaid：
\"Pleasegivemeacushion。\"
\"ShestaredatmeasifIhadaskedforafeatherbed。Ithought，maybe，shehadnotheard，soIrepeateditlouder。IfIhadchuckedherunderthechinshecouldnothavelookedmoresurprisedorindignant。
\"ShesaidshethoughtImustbemakingamistake。
\"Ididnotwanttobeginalongconversationandfindmyselfstranded。Isaidtherewasnomistake。Ipointedtomytwentymarkpiece，andrepeatedforthethirdtimethatIwantedacushion，’atwentymarkcushion。’
\"Anothergirlcameup，aneldergirl；andthefirstgirlrepeatedtoherwhatIhadjustsaid：sheseemedquiteexcitedaboutit。
Thesecondgirldidnotbelieveher——didnotthinkIlookedthesortofmanwhowouldwantacushion。Tomakesure，sheputthequestiontomeherself。
\"’Didyousayyouwantedacushion？’sheasked。
\"’Ihavesaiditthreetimes，’Ianswered。’Iwillsayitagain——I
wantacushion。’
\"Shesaid：’Thenyoucan’thaveone。’
\"Iwasgettingangrybythistime。IfIhadn’treallywantedthethingIshouldhavewalkedoutoftheshop；buttherethecushionswereinthewindow，evidentlyforsale。Ididn’tseeWHYI
couldn’thaveone。
\"Isaid：’Iwillhaveone！’Itisasimplesentence。Isaiditwithdetermination。
\"Athirdgirlcameupatthispoint，thethreerepresenting，I
fancy，thewholeforceoftheshop。Shewasabright—eyed，saucy—
lookinglittlewench，thislastone。OnanyotheroccasionImighthavebeenpleasedtoseeher；now，hercomingonlyirritatedme。I
didn’tseetheneedofthreegirlsforthisbusiness。
\"Thefirsttwogirlsstartedexplainingthethingtothethirdgirl，andbeforetheywerehalf—waythroughthethirdgirlbegantogiggle——shewasthesortofgirlwhowouldgiggleatanything。
Thatdone，theyfelltochatteringlikeJennyWrens，allthreetogether；andbetweeneveryhalf—dozenwordstheylookedacrossatme；andthemoretheylookedatmethemorethethirdgirlgiggled；
andbeforetheyhadfinishedtheywereallthreegiggling，thelittleidiots；youmighthavethoughtIwasaclown，givingaprivateperformance。
\"Whenshewassteadyenoughtomove，thethirdgirlcameuptome；
shewasstillgiggling。Shesaid：
\"’Ifyougetit，willyougo？’
\"Ididnotquiteunderstandheratfirst，andsherepeatedit。
\"’Thiscushion。Whenyou’vegotit，willyougo——away——atonce？’
\"Iwasonlytooanxioustogo。Itoldherso。But，IaddedIwasnotgoingwithoutit。IhadmadeupmymindtohavethatcushionnowifIstoppedintheshopallnightforit。
\"Sherejoinedtheothertwogirls。Ithoughttheyweregoingtogetmethecushionandhavedonewiththebusiness。Insteadofthat，thestrangestthingpossiblehappened。Thetwoothergirlsgotbehindthefirstgirl，allthreestillgiggling，Heavenknowswhatabout，andpushedhertowardsme。Theypushedhercloseuptome，andthen，beforeIknewwhatwashappening，sheputherhandsonmyshoulders，stoodupontiptoe，andkissedme。Afterwhich，buryingherfaceinherapron，sheranoff，followedbythesecondgirl。Thethirdgirlopenedthedoorforme，andsoevidentlyexpectedmetogo，thatinmyconfusionIwent，leavingmytwentymarksbehindme。Idon’tsayImindedthekiss，thoughIdidnotparticularlywantit，whileIdidwantthecushion。Idon’tliketogobacktotheshop。Icannotunderstandthethingatall。\"
Isaid：\"Whatdidyouaskfor？\"
Hesaid：\"Acushion\"
Isaid：\"Thatiswhatyouwanted，Iknow。WhatImeanis，whatwastheactualGermanwordyousaid。\"
Hereplied：\"Akuss。\"
Isaid：\"Youhavenothingtocomplainof。Itissomewhatconfusing。A’kuss’soundsasifitoughttobeacushion，butitisnot；itisakiss，whilea’kissen’isacushion。Youmuddledupthetwowords——peoplehavedoneitbefore。Idon’tknowmuchaboutthissortofthingmyself；butyouaskedforatwentymarkkiss，andfromyourdescriptionofthegirlsomepeoplemightconsiderthepricereasonable。Anyhow，IshouldnottellHarris。
IfIrememberrightly，healsohasanaunt。\"
Georgeagreedwithmeitwouldbebetternot。
CHAPTERVIII
Mr。andMissJones，ofManchester——Thebenefitsofcocoa——AhinttothePeaceSociety——Thewindowasamediaevalargument——ThefavouriteChristianrecreation——Thelanguageoftheguide——Howtorepairtheravagesoftime——Georgetriesabottle——ThefateoftheGermanbeerdrinker——HarrisandIresolvetodoagoodaction——Theusualsortofstatue——Harrisandhisfriends——ApepperlessParadise——Womenandtowns。
WewereonourwaytoPrague，andwerewaitinginthegreathalloftheDresdenStationuntilsuchtimeasthepowers—that—beshouldpermitusontotheplatform。George，whohadwanderedtothebookstall，returnedtouswithawildlookinhiseyes。Hesaid：
\"I’veseenit。\"
Isaid，\"Seenwhat？\"
Hewastooexcitedtoanswerintelligently。Hesaid\"It’shere。It’scomingthisway，bothofthem。Ifyouwait，you’llseeitforyourselves。I’mnotjoking；it’stherealthing。\"
Asisusualaboutthisperiod，someparagraphs，moreorlessserious，hadbeenappearinginthepapersconcerningthesea—
serpent，andIthoughtforthemomenthemustbereferringtothis。
Amoment’sreflection，however，toldmethathere，inthemiddleofEurope，threehundredmilesfromthecoast，suchathingwasimpossible。BeforeIcouldquestionhimfurther，heseizedmebythearm。
\"Look！\"hesaid；\"nowamIexaggerating？\"
Iturnedmyheadandsawwhat，Isuppose，fewlivingEnglishmenhaveeverseenbefore——thetravellingBritisheraccordingtotheContinentalidea，accompaniedbyhisdaughter。Theywerecomingtowardsusinthefleshandblood，unlessweweredreaming，aliveandconcrete——theEnglish\"Milor\"andtheEnglish\"Mees，\"asforgenerationstheyhavebeenportrayedintheContinentalcomicpressandupontheContinentalstage。Theywereperfectineverydetail。
Themanwastallandthin，withsandyhair，ahugenose，andlongDundrearywhiskers。Overapepper—and—saltsuitheworealightovercoat，reachingalmosttohisheels。Hiswhitehelmetwasornamentedwithagreenveil；apairofopera—glasseshungathisside，andinhislavender—glovedhandhecarriedanalpenstockalittletallerthanhimself。Hisdaughterwaslongandangular。
HerdressIcannotdescribe：mygrandfather，poorgentleman，mighthavebeenabletodoso；itwouldhavebeenmorefamiliartohim。
Icanonlysaythatitappearedtomeunnecessarilyshort，exhibitingapairofankles——ifImaybepermittedtorefertosuchpoints——that，fromanartisticpointofview，calledratherforconcealment。HerhatmademethinkofMrs。Hemans；butwhyI
cannotexplain。Sheworeside—springboots——\"prunella，\"Ibelieve，usedtobethetradename——mittens，andpince—nez。Shealsocarriedanalpenstock（thereisnotamountainwithinahundredmilesofDresden）andablackbagstrappedtoherwaist。Herteethstuckoutlikearabbit’s，andherfigurewasthatofabolsteronstilts。
Harrisrushedforhiscamera，andofcoursecouldnotfindit；henevercanwhenhewantsit。WheneverweseeHarrisscuttlingupanddownlikealostdog，shouting，\"Where’smycamera？WhatthedickenshaveIdonewithmycamera？Don’teitherofyourememberwhereIputmycamera？\"——thenweknowthatforthefirsttimethatdayhehascomeacrosssomethingworthphotographing。Lateron，heremembereditwasinhisbag；thatiswhereitwouldbeonanoccasionlikethis。
Theywerenotcontentwithappearance；theyactedthethingtotheletter。Theywalkedgapingroundthemateverystep。ThegentlemanhadanopenBaedekerinhishand，andtheladycarriedaphrasebook。TheytalkedFrenchthatnobodycouldunderstand，andGermanthattheycouldnottranslatethemselves！Themanpokedatofficialswithhisalpenstocktoattracttheirattention，andthelady，hereyecatchingsightofanadvertisementofsomebody’scocoa，said\"Shocking！\"andturnedtheotherway。
Really，therewassomeexcuseforher。Onenotices，eveninEngland，thehomeoftheproprieties，thattheladywhodrinkscocoaappears，accordingtotheposter，torequireverylittleelseinthisworld；ayardorsoofartmuslinatthemost。OntheContinentshedispenses，sofarasonecanjudge，witheveryothernecessityoflife。Notonlyiscocoafoodanddrinktoher，itshouldbeclothesalso，accordingtotheideaofthecocoamanufacturer。Butthisbytheway。
Ofcourse，theyimmediatelybecamethecentreofattraction。Bybeingabletorenderthemsomeslightassistance，Igainedtheadvantageoffiveminutes’conversationwiththem。Theywereveryaffable。ThegentlemantoldmehisnamewasJones，andthathecamefromManchester，buthedidnotseemtoknowwhatpartofManchester，orwhereManchesterwas。Iaskedhimwherehewasgoingto，butheevidentlydidnotknow。Hesaiditdepended。I
askedhimifhedidnotfindanalpenstockaclumsythingtowalkaboutwiththroughacrowdedtown；headmittedthatoccasionallyitdidgetintheway。Iaskedhimifhedidnotfindaveilinterferewithhisviewofthings；heexplainedthatyouonlyworeitwhenthefliesbecametroublesome。Ienquiredoftheladyifshedidnotfindthewindblowcold；shesaidshehadnoticedit，especiallyatthecorners。IdidnotaskthesequestionsoneafteranotherasIhavehereputthemdown；Imixedthemupwithgeneralconversation，andwepartedongoodterms。
Ihaveponderedmuchupontheapparition，andhavecometoadefiniteopinion。AmanImetlateratFrankfort，andtowhomI
describedthepair，saidhehadseenthemhimselfinParis，threeweeksaftertheterminationoftheFashodaincident；whileatravellerforsomeEnglishsteelworkswhomwemetinStrassburgrememberedhavingseentheminBerlinduringtheexcitementcausedbytheTransvaalquestion。Myconclusionisthattheywereactorsoutofwork，hiredtodothisthingintheinterestofinternationalpeace。TheFrenchForeignOffice，wishfultoallaytheangeroftheParisianmobclamouringforwarwithEngland，securedthisadmirablecoupleandsentthemroundthetown。Youcannotbeamusedatathing，andatthesametimewanttokillit。
TheFrenchnationsawtheEnglishcitizenandcitizeness——nocaricature，butthelivingreality——andtheirindignationexplodedinlaughter。ThesuccessofthestratagempromptedthemlaterontooffertheirservicestotheGermanGovernment，withthebeneficialresultsthatweallknow。
OurownGovernmentmightlearnthelesson。ItmightbeaswelltokeepnearDowningStreetafewsmall，fatFrenchmen，tobesentroundthecountrywhenoccasioncalledforit，shruggingtheirshouldersandeatingfrogsandwiches；orafileofuntidy，lank—
hairedGermansmightberetained，towalkabout，smokinglongpipes，saying\"So。\"Thepublicwouldlaughandexclaim，\"Warwithsuch？Itwouldbetooabsurd。\"FailingtheGovernment，I
recommendtheschemetothePeaceSociety。
OurvisittoPraguewewerecompelledtolengthensomewhat。PragueisoneofthemostinterestingtownsinEurope。Itsstonesaresaturatedwithhistoryandromance；itseverysuburbmusthavebeenabattlefield。ItisthetownthatconceivedtheReformationandhatchedtheThirtyYears’War。ButhalfPrague’stroubles，oneimagines，mighthavebeensavedtoit，haditpossessedwindowslesslargeandtemptinglyconvenient。ThefirstofthesemightycatastrophesitsetrollingbythrowingthesevenCatholiccouncillorsfromthewindowsofitsRathhausontothepikesoftheHussitesbelow。Later，itgavethesignalforthesecondbyagainthrowingtheImperialcouncillorsfromthewindowsoftheoldBurgintheHradschin——Prague’ssecond\"Fenstersturz。\"Since，otherfatefulquestionshavebeendecideinPrague，oneassumesfromtheirhavingbeenconcludedwithoutviolencethatsuchmusthavebeendiscussedincellars。Thewindow，asanargument，onefeels，wouldalwayshaveprovedtoostrongatemptationtoanytrue—bornPraguer。
IntheTeynkirchestandstheworm—eatenpulpitfromwhichpreachedJohnHuss。Onemayhearfromtheselfsamedeskto—daythevoiceofaPapistpriest，whileinfar—offConstancearudeblockofstone，halfivyhidden，marksthespotwhereHussandJeromediedburningatthestake。Historyisfondofherlittleironies。InthissameTeynkircheliesburiedTychoBrahe，theastronomer，whomadethecommonmistakeofthinkingtheearth，withitselevenhundredcreedsandonehumanity，thecentreoftheuniverse；butwhootherwiseobservedthestarsclearly。
ThroughPrague’sdirty，palace—borderedalleysmusthavepressedofteninhothasteblindZiskaandopen—mindedWallenstein——theyhavedubbedhim\"TheHero\"inPrague；andthetownishonestlyproudofhavingownedhimforcitizen。InhisgloomypalaceintheWaldstein—Platztheyshowasasacredspotthecabinetwhereheprayed，andseemtohavepersuadedthemselveshereallyhadasoul。
Itssteep，windingwaysmusthavebeenchokedadozentimes，nowbySigismund’sflyinglegions，followedbyfierce—killingTarborites，andnowbypaleProtestantspursuedbythevictoriousCatholicsofMaximilian。NowSaxons，nowBavarians，andnowFrench；nowthesaintsofGustavusAdolphus，andnowthesteelfightingmachinesofFredericktheGreat，havethunderedatitsgatesandfoughtuponitsbridges。
TheJewshavealwaysbeenanimportantfeatureofPrague。
OccasionallytheyhaveassistedtheChristiansintheirfavouriteoccupationofslaughteringoneanother，andthegreatflagsuspendedfromthevaultingoftheAltneuschuletestifiestothecouragewithwhichtheyhelpedCatholicFerdinandtoresisttheProtestantSwedes。ThePragueGhettowasoneofthefirsttobeestablishedinEurope，andinthetinysynagogue，stillstanding，theJewofPraguehasworshippedforeighthundredyears，hiswomenfolkdevoutlylistening，without，attheearholesprovidedfortheminthemassivewalls。AJewishcemeteryadjacent，\"Bethchajim，ortheHouseofLife，\"seemsasthoughitwereburstingwithitsdead。WithinitsnarrowacreitwasthelawofcenturiesthathereornowheremustthebonesofIsraelrest。Sothewornandbrokentombstonesliepiledincloseconfusion，asthoughtossedandtumbledbythestrugglinghostbeneath。
TheGhettowallshavelongbeenlevelled，butthelivingJewsofPraguestillclingtotheirfoetidlanes，thoughthesearebeingrapidlyreplacedbyfinenewstreetsthatpromisetoeventuallytransformthisquarterintothehandsomestpartofthetown。
AtDresdentheyadvisedusnottotalkGermaninPrague。ForyearsracialanimositybetweentheGermanminorityandtheCzechmajorityhasragedthroughoutBohemia，andtobemistakenforaGermanincertainstreetsofPragueisinconvenienttoamanwhosestayingpowersinaracearenotwhatoncetheywere。However，wedidtalkGermanincertainstreetsinPrague；itwasacaseoftalkingGermanornothing。TheCzechdialectissaidtobeofgreatantiquityandofhighlyscientificcultivation。Itsalphabetcontainsforty—twoletters，suggestivetoastrangerofChinese。
Itisnotalanguagetobepickedupinahurry。WedecidedthatonthewholetherewouldbelessrisktoourconstitutioninkeepingtoGerman，andasamatteroffactnoharmcametous。TheexplanationIcanonlysurmise。ThePraguerisanexceedinglyacuteperson；somesubtlefalsityofaccent，someslightgrammaticalinaccuracy，mayhavecreptintoourGerman，revealingtohimthefactthat，inspiteofallappearancestothecontrary，wewerenotrue—bornDeutscher。Idonotassertthis；Iputitforwardasapossibility。
Toavoidunnecessarydanger，however，wedidoursight—seeingwiththeaidofaguide。NoguideIhaveevercomeacrossisperfect。
Thisonehadtwodistinctfailings。HisEnglishwasdecidedlyweak。Indeed，itwasnotEnglishatall。Idonotknowwhatyouwouldcallit。Itwasnotaltogetherhisfault；hehadlearntEnglishfromaScotchlady。IunderstandScotchfairlywell——tokeepabreastofmodernEnglishliteraturethisisnecessary，——buttounderstandbroadScotchtalkedwithaSclavonicaccent，occasionallyrelievedbyGermanmodifications，taxestheintelligence。Forthefirsthouritwasdifficulttoridone’sselfoftheconvictionthatthemanwaschoking。Everymomentweexpectedhimtodieonourhands。Inthecourseofthemorningwegrewaccustomedtohim，andridourselvesoftheinstincttothrowhimonhisbackeverytimeheopenedhismouth，andtearhisclothesfromhim。Later，wecametounderstandapartofwhathesaid，andthisledtothediscoveryofhissecondfailing。
Itwouldseemhehadlatelyinventedahair—restorer，whichhehadpersuadedalocalchemisttotakeupandadvertise。Halfhistimehehadbeenpointingouttous，notthebeautiesofPrague，butthebenefitslikelytoaccruetothehumanracefromtheuseofthisconcoction；andtheconventionalagreementwithwhich，undertheimpressionhewaswaxingeloquentconcerningviewsandarchitecture，wehadmethisenthusiasmhehadattributedtosympatheticinterestinthiswretchedwashofhis。
Theresultwasthatnowtherewasnokeepinghimawayfromthesubject。Ruinedpalacesandcrumblingchurcheshedismissedwithcurtreferenceasmerefrivolities，encouragingamorbidtasteforthedecadent。Hisduty，ashesawit，wasnottoleadustodwellupontheravagesoftime，butrathertodirectourattentiontothemeansofrepairingthem。Whathadwetodowithbroken—headedheroes，orbald—headedsaints？Ourinterestshouldbesurelyinthelivingworld；inthemaidenswiththeirflowingtresses，ortheflowingtressestheymighthave，byjudicioususeof\"Kophkeo，\"intheyoungmenwiththeirfiercemoustaches——aspicturedonthelabel。
Unconsciously，inhisownmind，hehaddividedtheworldintotwosections。ThePast（\"BeforeUse\"），asickly，disagreeable—looking，uninterestingworld。TheFuture（\"AfterUse\"）afat，jolly，God—
bless—everybodysortofworld；andthisunfittedhimasaguidetoscenesofmediaevalhistory。
Hesentuseachabottleofthestufftoourhotel。Itappearedthatintheearlypartofourconversewithhimwehad，unwittingly，clamouredforit。Personally，Icanneitherpraiseitnorcondemnit。Alongseriesofdisappointmentshasdisheartenedme；addedtowhichapermanentatmosphereofparaffin，howeverfaint，isapttocauseremark，especiallyinthecaseofamarriedman。Now，Inevertryeventhesample。
IgavemybottletoGeorge。HeaskedforittosendtoamanheknewinLeeds。IlearntlaterthatHarrishadgivenhimhisbottlealso，tosendtothesameman。
AsuggestionofonionshasclungtothistoursinceweleftPrague。
Georgehasnoticedithimself。HeattributesittotheprevalenceofgarlicinEuropeancooking。
ItwasinPraguethatHarrisandIdidakindandfriendlythingtoGeorge。WehadnoticedforsometimepastthatGeorgewasgettingtoofondofPilsenerbeer。ThisGermanbeerisaninsidiousdrink，especiallyinhotweather；butitdoesnotdotoimbibetoofreelyofit。Itdoesnotgetintoyourhead，butafteratimeitspoilsyourwaist。IalwayssaytomyselfonenteringGermany：
\"Now，IwilldrinknoGermanbeer。Thewhitewineofthecountry，withalittlesoda—water；perhapsoccasionallyaglassofEmsorpotash。Butbeer，never——or，atallevents，hardlyever。\"
Itisagoodandusefulresolution，whichIrecommendtoalltravellers。IonlywishIcouldkeeptoitmyself。George，althoughIurgedhim，refusedtobindhimselfbyanysuchhardandfastlimit。HesaidthatinmoderationGermanbeerwasgood。
\"Oneglassinthemorning，\"saidGeorge，\"oneintheevening，oreventwo。Thatwilldonoharmtoanyone。\"
Maybehewasright。Itwashishalf—dozenglassesthattroubledHarrisandmyself。
\"Weoughttodosomethingtostopit，\"saidHarris；\"itisbecomingserious。\"
\"It’shereditary，sohehasexplainedtome，\"Ianswered。\"Itseemshisfamilyhavealwaysbeenthirsty。\"
\"ThereisApollinariswater，\"repliedHarris，\"which，Ibelieve，withalittlelemonsqueezedintoit，ispracticallyharmless。
WhatIamthinkingaboutishisfigure。Hewillloseallhisnaturalelegance。\"
Wetalkedthematterover，and，Providenceaidingus，wefixeduponaplan。Fortheornamentationofthetownanewstatuehadjustbeencast。Iforgetofwhomitwasastatue。Ionlyrememberthatintheessentialsitwastheusualsortofstreetstatue，representingtheusualsortofgentleman，withtheusualstiffneck，ridingtheusualsortofhorse——thehorsethatalwayswalksonitshindlegs，keepingitsfrontpawsforbeatingtime。Butindetailitpossessedindividuality。Insteadoftheusualswordorbaton，themanwasholding，stretchedoutinhishand，hisownplumedhat；andthehorse，insteadoftheusualwaterfallforatail，possessedasomewhatattenuatedappendagethatsomehowappearedoutofkeepingwithhisostentatiousbehaviour。Onefeltthatahorsewithataillikethatwouldnothaveprancedsomuch。
ItstoodinasmallsquarenotfarfromthefurtherendoftheKarlsbrucke，butitstoodthereonlytemporarily。Beforedecidingfinallywheretofixit，thetownauthoritieshadresolved，verysensibly，tojudgebypracticaltestwhereitwouldlookbest。
Accordingly，theyhadmadethreeroughcopiesofthestatue——merewoodenprofiles，thingsthatwouldnotbearlookingatclosely，butwhich，viewedfromalittledistance，producedalltheeffectthatwasnecessary。OneofthesetheyhadsetupattheapproachtotheFranz—Josefsbrucke，asecondstoodintheopenspacebehindthetheatre，andthethirdinthecentreoftheWenzelsplatz。
\"IfGeorgeisnotinthesecretofthisthing，\"saidHarris——wewerewalkingbyourselvesforanhour，hehavingremainedbehindinthehoteltowritealettertohisaunt，——\"ifhehasnotobservedthesestatues，thenbytheiraidwewillmakeabetterandathinnermanofhim，andthatthisveryevening。\"
Soduringdinnerwesoundedhim，judiciously；andfindinghimignorantofthematter，wetookhimout，andledhimbyside—
streetstotheplacewherestoodtherealstatue。Georgewasforlookingatitandpassingon，asishiswaywithstatues，butweinsistedonhispullingupandviewingthethingconscientiously。
Wewalkedhimroundthatstatuefourtimes，andshowedittohimfromeverypossiblepointofview。Ithink，onthewhole，weratherboredhimwiththething，butourobjectwastoimpressituponhim。Wetoldhimthehistoryofthemanwhorodeuponthehorse，thenameoftheartistwhohadmadethestatue，howmuchitweighed，howmuchitmeasured。Weworkedthatstatueintohissystem。Bythetimewehaddonewithhimheknewmoreaboutthatstatue，forthetimebeing，thanheknewaboutanythingelse。Wesoakedhiminthatstatue，andonlylethimgoatlastontheconditionthathewouldcomeagainwithusinthemorning，whenwecouldallseeitbetter，andforsuchpurposewesawtoitthathemadeanoteinhispocket—bookoftheplacewherethestatuestood。
Thenweaccompaniedhimtohisfavouritebeerhall，andsatbesidehim，tellinghimanecdotesofmenwho，unaccustomedtoGermanbeer，anddrinkingtoomuchofit，hadgonemadanddevelopedhomicidalmania；ofmenwhohaddiedyoungthroughdrinkingGermanbeer；ofloversthatGermanbeerhadbeenthemeansofpartingforeverfrombeautifulgirls。
Atteno’clockwestartedtowalkbacktothehotel。Itwasastormy—lookingnight，withheavycloudsdriftingoveralightmoon。
Harrissaid：
\"Wewon’tgobackthesamewaywecame；we’llwalkbackbytheriver。Itislovelyinthemoonlight。\"
Harristoldasadhistory，aswewalked，aboutamanheonceknew，whoisnowinahomeforharmlessimbeciles。Hesaidherecalledthestorybecauseitwasonjustsuchanothernightasthisthathewaswalkingwiththatmantheverylasttimeheeversawthepoorfellow。TheywerestrollingdowntheThamesEmbankment，Harrissaid，andthemanfrightenedhimthenbypersistingthathesawthestatueoftheDukeofWellingtonatthecornerofWestminsterBridge，when，aseverybodyknows，itstandsinPiccadilly。
Itwasatthisexactinstantthatwecameinsightofthefirstofthesewoodencopies。Itoccupiedthecentreofasmall，railed—insquarealittleaboveusontheoppositesideoftheway。Georgesuddenlystoodstillandleantagainstthewallofthequay。
\"What’sthematter？\"Isaid；\"feelinggiddy？\"
Hesaid：\"Ido，alittle。Let’sresthereamoment。\"
Hestoodtherewithhiseyesgluedtothething。
Hesaid，speakinghuskily：
\"Talkingofstatues，whatalwaysstrikesmeishowverymuchonestatueislikeanotherstatue。\"
Harrissaid：\"Icannotagreewithyouthere——pictures，ifyoulike。Somepicturesareverylikeotherpictures，butwithastatuethereisalwayssomethingdistinctive。Takethatstatuewesawearlyintheevening，\"continuedHarris，\"beforewewentintotheconcerthall。Itrepresentedamansittingonahorse。InPragueyouwillseeotherstatuesofmenonhorses，butnothingatalllikethatone。\"
\"Yestheyare，\"saidGeorge；\"theyareallalike。It’salwaysthesamehorse，andit’salwaysthesameman。Theyareallexactlyalike。It’sidioticnonsensetosaytheyarenot。\"
HeappearedtobeangrywithHarris。
\"Whatmakesyouthinkso？\"Iasked。
\"Whatmakesmethinkso？\"retortedGeorge，nowturninguponme。
\"Why，lookatthatdamnedthingoverthere！\"
Isaid：\"Whatdamnedthing？\"
\"Why，thatthing，\"saidGeorge；\"lookatit！Thereisthesamehorsewithhalfatail，standingonitshindlegs；thesamemanwithouthishat；thesame——\"
Harrissaid：\"YouaretalkingnowaboutthestatuewesawintheRingplatz。\"
\"No，I’mnot，\"repliedGeorge；\"I’mtalkingaboutthestatueoverthere。\"
\"Whatstatue？\"saidHarris。
GeorgelookedatHarris；butHarrisisamanwhomight，withcare，havebeenafairamateuractor。Hisfacemerelyexpressedfriendlysorrow，mingledwithalarm。Next，Georgeturnedhisgazeonme。I
endeavoured，sofaraslaywithme，tocopyHarris’sexpression，addingtoitonmyownaccountatouchofreproof。
\"Willyouhaveacab？\"IsaidaskindlyasIcouldtoGeorge。
\"I’llrunandgetone。\"
\"WhatthedevildoIwantwithacab？\"heanswered，ungraciously。
\"Can’tyoufellowsunderstandajoke？It’slikebeingoutwithacoupleofconfoundedoldwomen，\"sayingwhich，hestartedoffacrossthebridge，leavingustofollow。
\"Iamsogladthatwasonlyajokeofyours，\"saidHarris，onourovertakinghim。\"Iknewacaseofsofteningofthebrainthatbegan——\"
\"Oh，you’reasillyass！\"saidGeorge，cuttinghimshort；\"youknoweverything。\"
Hewasreallymostunpleasantinhismanner。
Wetookhimroundbytheriversideofthetheatre。Wetoldhimitwastheshortestway，and，asamatteroffact，itwas。Intheopenspacebehindthetheatrestoodthesecondofthesewoodenapparitions。Georgelookedatit，andagainstoodstill。
\"What’sthematter？\"saidHarris，kindly。\"Youarenotill，areyou？\"
\"Idon’tbelievethisistheshortestway，\"saidGeorge。
\"Iassureyouitis，\"persistedHarris。
\"Well，I’mgoingtheother，\"saidGeorge；andheturnedandwent，we，asbefore，followinghim。
AlongtheFerdinandStrasseHarrisandItalkedaboutprivatelunaticasylums，which，Harrissaid，werenotwellmanagedinEngland。Hesaidafriendofhis，apatientinalunaticasylum—
Georgesaid，interrupting：\"Youappeartohavealargenumberoffriendsinlunaticasylums。\"
Hesaiditinamostinsultingtone，asthoughtoimplythatthatiswhereonewouldlookforthemajorityofHarris’sfriends。ButHarrisdidnotgetangry；hemerelyreplied，quitemildly：
\"Well，itreallyisextraordinary，whenonecomestothinkofit，howmanyofthemhavegonethatwaysoonerorlater。Igetquitenervoussometimes，now。\"
AtthecorneroftheWenzelsplatz，Harris，whowasafewstepsaheadofus，paused。
\"It’safinestreet，isn’tit？\"hesaid，stickinghishandsinhispockets，andgazingupatitadmiringly。
GeorgeandIfollowedsuit。Twohundredyardsawayfromus，initsverycentre，wasthethirdoftheseghostlystatues。Ithinkitwasthebestofthethree——themostlike，themostdeceptive。Itstoodboldlyoutlinedagainstthewildsky：thehorseonitshindlegs，withitscuriouslyattenuatedtail；themanbareheaded，pointingwithhisplumedhattothenowentirelyvisiblemoon。
\"Ithink，ifyoudon’tmind，\"saidGeorge——hespokewithalmostapatheticringinhisvoice，hisaggressivenesshadcompletelyfallenfromhim，——\"thatIwillhavethatcab，ifthere’sonehandy。\"
\"Ithoughtyouwerelookingqueer，\"saidHarris，kindly。\"It’syourhead，isn’tit？\"
\"Perhapsitis，\"answeredGeorge。
\"Ihavenoticeditcoiningon，\"saidHarris；\"butIdidn’tliketosayanythingtoyou。Youfancyyouseethings，don’tyou？\"
\"No，no；itisn’tthat，\"repliedGeorge，ratherquickly。\"Idon’tknowwhatitis。\"
\"Ido，\"saidHarris，solemnly，\"andI’lltellyou。It’sthisGermanbeerthatyouaredrinking。Ihaveknownacasewhereaman——\"
\"Don’ttellmeabouthimjustnow，\"saidGeorge。\"Idaresayit’strue，butsomehowIdon’tfeelIwanttohearabouthim。\"
\"Youarenotusedtoit，\"saidHarris。
\"Ishallgiveitupfromto—night，\"saidGeorge。\"Ithinkyoumustberight；itdoesn’tseemtoagreewithme。\"
Wetookhimhome，andsawhimtobed。Hewasverygentleandquitegrateful。
Oneeveninglateron，afteralongday’sride，followedbyamostsatisfactorydinner，westartedhimonabigcigar，and，removingthingsfromhisreach，toldhimofthisstratagemthatforhisgoodwehadplanned。
\"Howmanycopiesofthatstatuedidyousaywesaw？\"askedGeorge，afterwehadfinished。
\"Three，\"repliedHarris。
\"Onlythree？\"saidGeorge。\"Areyousure？\"
\"Positive，\"repliedHarris。\"Why？\"
\"Oh，nothing！\"answeredGeorge。
ButIdon’tthinkhequitebelievedHarris。
FromPraguewetravelledtoNuremberg，throughCarlsbad。GoodGermans，whentheydie，go，theysay，toCarlsbad，asgoodAmericanstoParis。ThisIdoubt，seeingthatitisasmallplacewithnoconvenienceforacrowd。InCarlsbad，youriseatfive，thefashionablehourforpromenade，whenthebandplaysundertheColonnade，andtheSprudelisfilledwithapackedthrongoveramilelong，beingfromsixtoeightinthemorning。HereyoumayhearmorelanguagesspokenthantheTowerofBabelcouldhaveechoed。PolishJewsandRussianprinces，ChinesemandarinsandTurkishpashas，NorwegianslookingasiftheyhadsteppedoutofIbsen’splays，womenfromtheBoulevards，SpanishgrandeesandEnglishcountesses，mountaineersfromMontenegroandmillionairesfromChicago，youwillfindeverydozenyards。EveryluxuryintheworldCarlsbadprovidesforitsvisitors，withtheoneexceptionofpepper。Thatyoucannotgetwithinfivemilesofthetownformoney；whatyoucangetthereforloveisnotworthtakingaway。
Pepper，totheliverbrigadethatformsfour—fifthsofCarlsbad’scustomers，ispoison；and，preventionbeingbetterthancure，itiscarefullykeptoutoftheneighbourhood。\"Pepperparties\"areformedinCarlsbadtojourneytosomeplacewithouttheboundary，andthereindulgeinpepperorgies。
Nuremberg，ifoneexpectsatownofmediaevalappearance，disappoints。Quaintcorners，picturesqueglimpses，thereareinplenty；buteverywheretheyaresurroundedandintrudeduponbythemodern，andevenwhatisancientisnotnearlysoancientasonethoughtitwas。Afterall，atown，likeawoman，isonlyasoldasitlooks；andNurembergisstillacomfortable—lookingdame，itsagesomewhatdifficulttoconceiveunderitsfreshpaintandstuccointheblazeofthegasandtheelectriclight。Still，lookingclosely，youmayseeitswrinkledwallsandgreytowers。
CHAPTERIX
Harrisbreaksthelaw——Thehelpfulman：Thedangersthatbesethim——Georgesetsforthuponacareerofcrime——ThosetowhomGermanywouldcomeasaboonandablessing——TheEnglishSinner：
Hisdisappointments——TheGermanSinner：Hisexceptionaladvantages——Whatyoumaynotdowithyourbed——Aninexpensivevice—
—TheGermandog：Hissimplegoodness——Themisbehaviourofthebeetle——Apeoplethatgothewaytheyoughttogo——TheGermansmallboy：Hisloveoflegality——Howtogoastraywithaperambulator——
TheGermanstudent：Hischastenedwilfulness。
Allthreeofus，bysomemeansoranother，managed，betweenNurembergandtheBlackForest，togetintotrouble。
HarrisledoffatStuttgartbyinsultinganofficial。Stuttgartisacharmingtown，cleanandbright，asmallerDresden。Ithastheadditionalattractionofcontaininglittlethatoneneedtogooutofone’swaytosee：amedium—sizedpicturegallery，asmallmuseumofantiquities，andhalfapalace，andyouarethroughwiththeentirethingandcanenjoyyourself。Harrisdidnotknowitwasanofficialhewasinsulting。Hetookitforafireman（itlookedlikedafireman），andhecalledita\"dummerEsel。\"
InGermanyouarenotpermittedtocallanofficiala\"sillyass，\"
butundoubtedlythisparticularmanwasone。Whathadhappenedwasthis：HarrisintheStadgarten，anxioustogetout，andseeingagateopenbeforehim，hadsteppedoverawireintothestreet。
Harrismaintainsheneversawit，butundoubtedlytherewashangingtothewireanotice，\"DurchgangVerboten！\"Theman，whowasstandingnearthegatesstoppedHarris，andpointedouttohimthisnotice。Harristhankedhim，andpassedon。Themancameafterhim，andexplainedthattreatmentofthematterinsuchoff—handwaycouldnotbeallowed；whatwasnecessarytoputthebusinessrightwasthatHarrisshouldstepbackoverthewireintothegarden。Harrispointedouttothemanthatthenoticesaid\"goingthroughforbidden，\"andthat，therefore，byre—enteringthegardenthatwayhewouldbeinfringingthelawasecondtime。Themansawthisforhimself，andsuggestedthattogetoverthedifficultyHarrisshouldgobackintothegardenbytheproperentrance，whichwasroundthecorner，andafterwardsimmediatelycomeoutagainbythesamegate。ThenitwasthatHarriscalledthemanasillyass。
Thatdelayedusaday，andcostHarrisfortymarks。
IfollowedsuitatCarlsruhe，bystealingabicycle。Ididnotmeantostealthebicycle；Iwasmerelytryingtobeuseful。ThetrainwasonthepointofstartingwhenInoticed，asIthought，Harris’sbicyclestillinthegoodsvan。Noonewasabouttohelpme。Ijumpedintothevanandhauleditout，onlyjustintime。
Wheelingitdowntheplatformintriumph，IcameacrossHarris’sbicycle，standingagainstawallbehindsomemilk—cans。ThebicycleIhadsecuredwasnotHarris’s，butsomeotherman’s。
Itwasanawkwardsituation。InEngland，Ishouldhavegonetothestationmasterandexplainedmymistake。ButinGermanytheyarenotcontentwithyourexplainingalittlematterofthissorttooneman：theytakeyouroundandgetyoutoexplainittoabouthalfadozen；andifanyoneofthehalfdozenhappensnottobehandy，ornottohavetimejustthentolistentoyou，theyhaveahabitofleavingyouoverforthenighttofinishyourexplanationthenextmorning。IthoughtIwouldjustputthethingoutofsight，andthen，withoutmakinganyfussorshow，takeashortwalk。Ifoundawoodshed，whichseemedjusttheveryplace，andwaswheelingthebicycleintoitwhen，unfortunately，ared—hattedrailwayofficial，withtheairsofaretiredfield—marshal，caughtsightofmeandcameup。Hesaid：
\"Whatareyoudoingwiththatbicycle？\"
Isaid：\"Iamgoingtoputitinthiswoodshedoutoftheway。\"
ItriedtoconveybymytonethatIwasperformingakindandthoughtfulaction，forwhichtherailwayofficialsoughttothankme；buthewasunresponsive。
\"Isityourbicycle？\"hesaid。
\"Well，notexactly，\"Ireplied。
\"Whoseisit？\"heasked，quitesharply。
\"Ican’ttellyou，\"Ianswered。\"Idon’tknowwhosebicycleitis。\"
\"Wheredidyougetitfrom？\"washisnextquestion。Therewasasuspiciousnessabouthistonethatwasalmostinsulting。
\"Igotit，\"Ianswered，withasmuchcalmdignityasatthemomentIcouldassume，\"outofthetrain。\"
\"Thefactis，\"Icontinued，frankly，\"Ihavemadeamistake。\"
Hedidnotallowmetimetofinish。Hemerelysaidhethoughtsotoo，andblewawhistle。
Recollectionofthesubsequentproceedingsisnot，sofarasIamconcerned，amusing。Byamiracleofgoodluck——theysayProvidencewatchesovercertainofus——theincidenthappenedinCarlsruhe，whereIpossessaGermanfriend，anofficialofsomeimportance。
UponwhatwouldhavebeenmyfatehadthestationnotbeenatCarlsruhe，orhadmyfriendbeenfromhome，Idonotcaretodwell；
asitwasIgotoff，asthesayingis，bytheskinofmyteeth。I
shouldliketoaddthatIleftCarlsruhewithoutastainuponmycharacter，butthatwouldnotbethetruth。Mygoingscotfreeisregardedinpolicecirclestheretothisdayasagravemiscarriageofjustice。
ButalllessersinsinksintoinsignificancebesidethelawlessnessofGeorge。Thebicycleincidenthadthrownusallintoconfusion，withtheresultthatwelostGeorgealtogether。Ittranspiredsubsequentlythathewaswaitingforusoutsidethepolicecourt；
butthisatthetimewedidnotknow。Wethought，maybe，hehadgoneontoBadenbyhimself；andanxioustogetawayfromCarlsruhe，andnot，perhaps，thinkingoutthingstooclearly，wejumpedintothenexttrainthatcameupandproceededthither。
WhenGeorge，tiredofwaiting，returnedtothestation，hefoundusgoneandhefoundhisluggagegone。Harrishadhisticket；Iwasactingasbankertotheparty，sothathehadinhispocketonlysomesmallchange。Excusinghimselfuponthesegrounds，hethereuponcommenceddeliberatelyacareerofcrimethat，readingitlater，assetforthbaldlyintheofficialsummons，madethehairofHarrisandmyselfalmosttostandonend。
Germantravelling，itmaybeexplained，issomewhatcomplicated。
Youbuyaticketatthestationyoustartfromfortheplaceyouwanttogoto。Youmightthinkthiswouldenableyoutogetthere，butitdoesnot。Whenyourtraincomesup，youattempttoswarmintoit；buttheguardmagnificentlywavesyouaway。Whereareyourcredentials？Youshowhimyourticket。Heexplainstoyouthatbyitselfthatisofnoservicewhatever；youhaveonlytakenthefirststeptowardstravelling；youmustgobacktothebooking—
officeandgetinadditionwhatiscalleda\"schnellzugticket。\"
Withthisyoureturn，thinkingyourtroublesover。Youareallowedtogetin，sofarsogood。Butyoumustnotsitdownanywhere，andyoumustnotstandstill，andyoumustnotwanderabout。Youmusttakeanotherticket，thistimewhatiscalleda\"platzticket，\"
whichentitlesyoutoaplaceforacertaindistance。
Whatamancoulddowhopersistedintakingnothingbuttheoneticket，Ihaveoftenwondered。Wouldhebeentitledtorunbehindthetrainonthesix—footway？Orcouldhestickalabelonhimselfandgetintothegoodsvan？Again，whatcouldbedonewiththemanwho，havingtakenhisschnellzugticket，obstinatelyrefused，orhadnotthemoneytotakeaplatzticket：wouldtheylethimlieintheumbrellarack，orallowhimtohanghimselfoutofthewindow？
ToreturntoGeorge，hehadjustsufficientmoneytotakeathird—
classslowtraintickettoBaden，andthatwasall。Toavoidtheinquisitivenessoftheguard，hewaitedtillthetrainwasmoving，andthenjumpedin。
Thatwashisfirstsin：
（a）Enteringatraininmotion；
（b）Afterbeingwarnednottodosobyanofficial。
Secondsin：
（a）Travellingintrainofsuperiorclasstothatforwhichticketwasheld。
（b）Refusingtopaydifferencewhendemandedbyanofficial。
（Georgesayshedidnot\"refuse\"；hesimplytoldthemanhehadnotgotit。）
Thirdsin：
（a）Travellingincarriageofsuperiorclasstothatforwhichticketwasheld。
（b）Refusingtopaydifferencewhendemandedbyanofficial。
（AgainGeorgedisputestheaccuracyofthereport。Heturnedhispocketsout，andofferedthemanallhehad，whichwasabouteightpenceinGermanmoney。Heofferedtogointoathirdclass，buttherewasnothirdclass。Heofferedtogointothegoodsvan，buttheywouldnothearofit。）
Fourthsin：
（a）Occupyingseat，andnotpayingforsame。
（b）Loiteringaboutcorridor。（Astheywouldnotlethimsitdownwithoutpaying，andashecouldnotpay，itwasdifficulttoseewhatelsehecoulddo。）
ButexplanationsareheldasnoexcuseinGermany；andhisjourneyfromCarlsruhetoBadenwasoneofthemostexpensiveperhapsonrecord。
ReflectinguponthecaseandfrequencywithwhichonegetsintotroublehereinGermany，oneisledtotheconclusionthatthiscountrywouldcomeasaboonandablessingtotheaverageyoungEnglishman。Tothemedicalstudent，totheeaterofdinnersattheTemple，tothesubalternonleave，lifeinLondonisawearisomeproceeding。ThehealthyBritontakeshispleasurelawlessly，oritisnopleasuretohim。Nothingthathemaydoaffordstohimanygenuinesatisfaction。Tobeintroubleofsomesortishisonlyideaofbliss。Now，Englandaffordshimsmallopportunityinthisrespect；togethimselfintoascraperequiresagooddealofpersistenceonthepartoftheyoungEnglishman。
Ispokeonthissubjectonedaywithourseniorchurchwarden。Itwasthemorningofthe10thofNovember，andwewerebothofusglancing，somewhatanxiously，throughthepolicereports。TheusualbatchofyoungmenhadbeensummonedforcreatingtheusualdisturbancethenightbeforeattheCriterion。Myfriendthechurchwardenhasboysofhisown，andanephewofmine，uponwhomI
amkeepingafatherlyeye，isbyafondmothersupposedtobeinLondonforthesolepurposeofstudyingengineering。Nonamesweknewhappened，byfortunatechance，tobeinthelistofthosedetainedincustody，and，relieved，wefelltomoralisinguponthefollyanddepravityofyouth。
\"Itisveryremarkable，\"saidmyfriendthechurchwarden，\"howtheCriterionretainsitspositioninthisrespect。ItwasjustsowhenIwasyoung；theeveningalwayswoundupwitharowattheCriterion。\"
\"Someaningless，\"Iremarked。
\"Somonotonous，\"hereplied。\"Youhavenoidea，\"hecontinued，adreamyexpressionstealingoverhisfurrowedface，\"howunutterablytiredonecanbecomeofthewalkfromPiccadillyCircustotheVineStreetPoliceCourt。Yet，whatelsewasthereforustodo？
Simplynothing。Sometimeswewouldputoutastreetlamp，andamanwouldcomeroundandlightitagain。Ifoneinsultedapoliceman，hesimplytooknonotice。Hedidnotevenknowhewasbeinginsulted；or，ifhedid，heseemednottocare。YoucouldfightaCoventGardenporter，ifyoufanciedyourselfatthatsortofthing。Generallyspeaking，theportergotthebestofit；andwhenhediditcostyoufiveshillings，andwhenhedidnotthepricewashalfasovereign。Icouldneverseemuchexcitementinthatparticularsport。Itrieddrivingahansomcabonce。ThathasalwaysbeenregardedastheacmeofmodernTomandJerryism。I
stoleitlateonenightfromoutsideapublic—houseinDeanStreet，andthefirstthingthathappenedtomewasthatIwashailedinGoldenSquarebyanoldladysurroundedbythreechildren，twoofthemcryingandthethirdonehalfasleep。BeforeIcouldgetawayshehadshotthebratsintothecab，takenmynumber，paidme，soshesaid，ashillingoverthelegalfare，anddirectedmetoanaddressalittlebeyondwhatshecalledNorthKensington。Asamatteroffact，theplaceturnedouttobetheothersideofWillesden。Thehorsewastired，andthejourneytookuswellovertwohours。ItwastheslowestlarkIeverrememberbeingconcernedin。Itriedoneortwicetopersuadethechildrentoletmetakethembacktotheoldlady：buteverytimeIopenedthetrap—doortospeaktothemtheyoungestone，aboy，startedscreaming；andwhenIofferedotherdriverstotransferthejobtothem，mostofthemrepliedinthewordsofasongpopularaboutthatperiod：
’Oh，George，don’tyouthinkyou’regoingjustabittoofar？’OnemanofferedtotakehometomywifeanylastmessageImightbethinkingof，whileanotherpromisedtoorganiseapartytocomeanddigmeoutinthespring。WhenImountedthedickeyIhadimaginedmyselfdrivingapepperyoldcoloneltosomelonesomeandcablessregion，halfadozenmilesfromwherehewantedtogo，andthereleavinghimuponthekerbstonetoswear。Aboutthattheremighthavebeengoodsportortheremightnot，accordingtocircumstancesandthecolonel。Theideaofatriptoanoutlyingsuburbinchargeofanurseryfullofhelplessinfantshadneveroccurredtome。No，London，\"concludedmyfriendthechurchwardenwithasigh，\"affordsbutlimitedopportunitytotheloveroftheillegal。\"
Now，inGermany，ontheotherhand，troubleistobehadfortheasking。TherearemanythingsinGermanythatyoumustnotdothatarequiteeasytodo。ToanyyoungEnglishmanyearningtogethimselfintoascrape，andfindinghimselfhamperedinhisowncountry，IwouldadviseasingletickettoGermany；areturn，lastingasitdoesonlyamonth，mightproveawaste。
InthePoliceGuideoftheFatherlandhewillfindsetforthalistofthethingsthedoingofwhichwillbringtohiminterestandexcitement。InGermanyyoumustnothangyourbedoutofwindow。
