第19章

类别:其他 作者:Willa Cather字数:9194更新时间:19/01/07 15:03:41
\"Aren’tyougoingtosing,Silvo?\"sheaskedteasingly。 Theboyturnedonhissideandraisedhimselfonhiselbowforamoment。\"Notthisnight,SENORITA,\"hepleadedsoftly,\"notthisnight!\"Hedroppedbackagain,andlaywithhischeekonhisrightarm,thehandlyingpassiveonthesandabovehishead。 \"Howdoesheflattenhimselfintothegroundlikethat?\" Theaaskedherself。\"IwishIknew。It’sveryeffective,somehow。\" AcrossthegulchtheKohlers’littlehousesleptamongitstrees,adarkspotonthewhitefaceofthedesert。Thewindowsoftheirupstairsbedroomwereopen,andPaulinahadlistenedtothedancemusicforalongwhilebeforeshedrowsedoff。Shewasalightsleeper,andwhenshewokeagain,aftermidnight,Johnny’sconcertwasatitsheight。 Shelaystilluntilshecouldbearitnolonger。ThenshewakenedFritzandtheywentovertothewindowandleanedout。Theycouldhearclearlythere。 \"DIETHEA,\"whisperedMrs。Kohler;\"itmustbe。ACH,WUNDERSCHON!\" Fritzwasnotsowideawakeashiswife。Hegruntedand scratchedonthefloorwithhisbarefoot。Theywerelis— teningtoaMexicanpart—song;thetenor,thenthesoprano,thenbothtogether;thebarytonejoinsthem,rages,isextinguished;thetenorexpiresinsobs,andthesopranofinishesalone。Whenthesoprano’slastnotediedaway,Fritznoddedtohiswife。\"JA,\"hesaid;\"SCHON。\" Therewassilenceforafewmoments。Thentheguitarsoundedfiercely,andseveralmalevoicesbeganthesextettefrom\"Lucia。\"Johnny’sreedytenortheyknewwell,andthebricklayer’sbig,opaquebarytone;theothersmightbeanybodyoverthere——justMexicanvoices。Thenattheappointed,attheacute,moment,thesopranovoice,likeafountainjet,shotupintothelight。\"HORCH!HORCH!\"theoldpeoplewhispered,bothatonce。Howitleapedfromamongthoseduskymalevoices!Howitplayedinandaboutandaroundandoverthem,likeagoldfishdartingamongcreekminnows,likeayellowbutterflysoaringaboveaswarmofdarkones。\"Ah,\"saidMrs。Kohlersoftly,\"thedearman;ifhecouldhearhernow!\" XI MRS。KRONBORGhadsaidthatTheawasnottobedisturbedonSundaymorning,andshesleptuntilnoon。Whenshecamedownstairsthefamilywerejustsittingdowntodinner,Mr。Kronborgatoneendofthelongtable,Mrs。Kronborgattheother。Anna,stiffandceremonious,inhersummersilk,satatherfather’sright,andtheboyswerestrungalongoneithersideofthetable。 TherewasaplaceleftforTheabetweenhermotherandThor。Duringthesilencewhichprecededtheblessing,Theafeltsomethinguncomfortableintheair。Annaandherolderbrothershadloweredtheireyeswhenshecamein。Mrs。Kronborgnoddedcheerfully,andafterthebless— ing,asshebegantopourthecoffee,turnedtoher。 \"Iexpectyouhadagoodtimeatthatdance,Thea。I hopeyougotyoursleepout。\" \"Highsociety,that,\"remarkedCharley,givingthemashedpotatoesaviciousswat。Anna’smouthandeye— browsbecamehalf—moons。 Thealookedacrossthetableattheuncompromisingcountenancesofherolderbrothers。\"Why,what’sthematterwiththeMexicans?\"sheasked,flushing。\"Theydon’ttroubleanybody,andtheyarekindtotheirfamiliesandhavegoodmanners。\" \"Nicecleanpeople;gotsomestyleaboutthem。Doyoureallylikethatkind,Thea,ordoyoujustpretendto? That’swhatI’dliketoknow。\"Guslookedatherwithpainedinquiry。Butheatleastlookedather。 \"They’rejustascleanaswhitepeople,andtheyhaveaperfectrighttotheirownways。OfcourseIlike’em。 Idon’tpretendthings。\" \"Everybodyaccordingtotheirowntaste,\"remarked Charleybitterly。\"Quitcrumbingyourbreadup,Thor。 Ain’tyoulearnedhowtoeatyet?\" \"Children,children!\"saidMr。Kronborgnervously,lookingupfromthechickenhewasdismembering。Heglancedathiswife,whomheexpectedtomaintainhar— monyinthefamily。 \"That’sallright,Charley。Dropitthere,\"saidMrs。 Kronborg。\"NousespoilingyourSundaydinnerwithraceprejudices。TheMexicanssuitmeandTheaverywell。Theyareausefulpeople。Nowyoucanjusttalkaboutsomethingelse。\" Conversation,however,didnotflourishatthatdinner。 Everybodyateasfastaspossible。CharleyandGussaidtheyhadengagementsandleftthetableassoonastheyfinishedtheirapplepie。Annasatprimlyandatewithgreatelegance。Whenshespokeatallshespoketoherfather,aboutchurchmatters,andalwaysinacommiserat— ingtone,asifhehadmetwithsomemisfortune。Mr。 Kronborg,quiteinnocentofherintentions,repliedkindlyandabsent—mindedly。AfterthedesserthewenttotakehisusualSundayafternoonnap,andMrs。Kronborgcarriedsomedinnertoasickneighbor。TheaandAnnabegantoclearthetable。 \"Ishouldthinkyouwouldshowmoreconsiderationforfather’sposition,Thea,\"Annabeganassoonassheandhersisterwerealone。 Theagaveherasidelongglance。\"Why,whathaveI donetofather?\" \"EverybodyatSunday—SchoolwastalkingaboutyougoingoverthereandsingingwiththeMexicansallnight,whenyouwon’tsingforthechurch。Somebodyheardyou,andtolditallovertown。Ofcourse,weallgettheblameforit。\" \"Anythingdisgracefulaboutsinging?\"Theaaskedwithaprovokingyawn。 \"Imustsayyouchooseyourcompany!Youalways hadthatstreakinyou,Thea。Weallhopedthatgoingawaywouldimproveyou。Ofcourse,itreflectsonfatherwhenyouarescarcelypolitetothenicepeoplehereandmakeuptotherowdies。\" \"Oh,it’smysingingwiththeMexicansyouobjectto?\" Theaputdownatrayfullofdishes。\"Well,Iliketosingoverthere,andIdon’tliketooverhere。I’llsingforthemanytimetheyaskmeto。TheyknowsomethingaboutwhatI’mdoing。They’reatalentedpeople。\" \"Talented!\"Annamadethewordsoundlikeescapingsteam。\"Isupposeyouthinkit’ssmarttocomehomeandthrowthatatyourfamily!\" Theapickedupthetray。BythistimeshewasaswhiteastheSundaytablecloth。\"Well,\"sherepliedinacold,eventone,\"I’llhavetothrowitatthemsoonerorlater。 It’sjustaquestionofwhen,anditmightaswellbenowasanytime。\"Shecarriedthetrayblindlyintothekitchen。 Tillie,whowasalwayslisteningandlookingoutforher,tookthedishesfromherwithafurtive,frightenedglanceatherstonyface。Theawentslowlyupthebackstairstoherloft。Herlegsseemedasheavyasleadassheclimbedthestairs,andshefeltasifeverythinginsideherhadsolidi— fiedandgrownhard。 Aftershuttingherdoorandlockingit,shesatdownontheedgeofherbed。Thisplacehadalwaysbeenherrefuge,buttherewasahostilityinthehousenowwhichthisdoorcouldnotshutout。Thiswouldbeherlastsummerinthatroom。Itsserviceswereover;itstimewasdone。Sheroseandputherhandonthelowceiling。Twotearsrandownhercheeks,asiftheycamefromicethatmeltedslowly。 Shewasnotreadytoleaveherlittleshell。Shewasbeingpulledouttoosoon。Shewouldneverbeabletothinkanywhereelseaswellashere。Shewouldneversleepsowellorhavesuchdreamsinanyotherbed;evenlastnight,suchsweet,breathlessdreams——Theahidherfaceinthepillow。Wherevershewentshewouldliketotakethatlittle bedwithher。Whenshewentawayfromitforgood,shewouldleavesomethingthatshecouldneverrecover;mem— oriesofpleasantexcitement,ofhappyadventuresinhermind;ofwarmsleeponhowlingwinternights,andjoyousawakeningsonsummermornings。Therewerecertaindreamsthatmightrefusetocometoheratallexceptinalittlemorningcave,facingthesun——wheretheycametohersopowerfully,wheretheybeatatriumphinher! Theroomwashotasanoven。Thesunwasbeatingfiercelyontheshinglesbehindtheboardceiling。Sheun— dressed,andbeforeshethrewherselfuponherbedinherchemise,shefrownedatherselfforalongwhileinherlook— ing—glass。Yes,sheandItmustfightitouttogether。Thethingthatlookedatheroutofherowneyeswastheonlyfriendshecouldcounton。Oh,shewouldmakethesepeoplesorryenough!Therewouldcomeatimewhentheywouldwanttomakeitupwithher。But,neveragain!Shehadnolittlevanities,onlyonebigone,andshewouldneverforgive。 Hermotherwasallright,buthermotherwasapartofthefamily,andshewasnot。Inthenatureofthings,hermotherhadtobeonbothsides。Theafeltthatshehadbeenbetrayed。Atrucehadbeenbrokenbehindherback。 ShehadneverhadmuchindividualaffectionforanyofherbrothersexceptThor,butshehadneverbeendisloyal,neverfeltscornorheldgrudges。AsalittlegirlshehadalwaysbeengoodfriendswithGunnerandAxel,whenevershehadtimetoplay。Evenbeforeshegotherownroom,whentheywereallsleepinganddressingtogether,likelittlecubs,andbreakfastinginthekitchen,shehadledanabsorbingpersonallifeofherown。Butshehadacubloyaltytotheothercubs。Shethoughtthemniceboysandtriedtomakethemgettheirlessons。Sheoncefoughtabullywho\"pickedon\"Axelatschool。ShenevermadefunofAnna’scrimpingsandcurlingsandbeauty—rites。 Theahadalwaystakenitforgrantedthathersisterand brothersrecognizedthatshehadspecialabilities,andthattheywereproudofit。Shehaddonethemthehonor,shetoldherselfbitterly,tobelievethatthoughtheyhadnoparticularendowments,THEYWEREOFHERKIND,andnotoftheMoonstonekind。Nowtheyhadallgrownupandbe— comepersons。Theyfacedeachotherasindividuals,andshesawthatAnnaandGusandCharleywereamongthepeoplewhomshehadalwaysrecognizedashernaturalenemies。Theirambitionsandsacredproprietiesweremeaninglesstoher。ShehadneglectedtocongratulateCharleyuponhavingbeenpromotedfromthegroceryde— partmentofCommings’sstoretothedrygoodsdepart— ment。Hermotherhadreprovedherforthisomission。Andhowwasshetoknow,Theaaskedherself,thatAnnaex— pectedtobeteasedbecauseBertRicenowcameandsatinthehammockwithhereverynight?No,itwasallclearenough。Nothingthatshewouldeverdointheworldwouldseemimportanttothem,andnothingtheywouldeverdowouldseemimportanttoher。 Thealaythinkingintentlyallthroughthestiflingafter— noon。Tilliewhisperedsomethingoutsideherdooronce,butshedidnotanswer。Shelayonherbeduntilthesecondchurchbellrang,andshesawthefamilygotroopingupthesidewalkontheoppositesideofthestreet,Annaandherfatherinthelead。Annaseemedtohavetakenonaverystory—bookattitudetowardherfather;pat— ronizingandcondescending,itseemedtoThea。Theolderboyswerenotinthefamilyband。Theynowtooktheirgirlstochurch。Tilliehadstayedathometogetsupper。 Theagotup,washedherhotfaceandarms,andputonthewhiteorgandiedressshehadwornlastnight;itwasgettingtoosmallforher,andshemightaswellwearitout。 Aftershewasdressedsheunlockedherdoorandwentcau— tiouslydownstairs。Shefeltasifchillinghostilitiesmightbeawaitingherinthetrunkloft,onthestairway,almostanywhere。Inthedining—roomshefoundTillie,sittingby theopenwindow,readingthedramaticnewsinaDenverSundaypaper。Tilliekeptascrapbookinwhichshepastedclippingsaboutactorsandactresses。 \"ComelookatthispictureofPaulineHallintights,Thea,\"shecalled。\"Ain’tshecute?It’stoobadyoudidn’tgotothetheatermorewhenyouwasinChicago; suchagoodchance!Didn’tyouevengettoseeClaraMorrisorModjeska?\" \"No;Ididn’thavetime。Besides,itcostsmoney,Tillie,\"Thearepliedwearily,glancingatthepaperTillieheldouttoher。 Tillielookedupatherniece。\"Don’tyougoandbeupsetaboutanyofAnna’snotions。She’soneofthesenarrowkind。Yourfatherandmotherdon’tpayanyatten— tiontowhatshesays。Anna’sfussy;sheiswithme,butIdon’tmindher。\" \"Oh,Idon’tmindher。That’sallright,Tillie。IguessI’lltakeawalk。\" TheaknewthatTilliehopedshewouldstayandtalktoherforawhile,andshewouldhavelikedtopleaseher。 Butinahouseassmallasthatone,everythingwastoointimateandmixeduptogether。Thefamilywasthefamily,anintegralthing。Onecouldn’tdiscussAnnathere。 Shefeltdifferentlytowardthehouseandeverythinginit,asifthebatteredoldfurniturethatseemedsokindly,andtheoldcarpetsonwhichshehadplayed,hadbeennour— ishingasecretgrudgeagainstherandwerenottobetrustedanymore。 Shewentaimlesslyoutofthefrontgate,notknow— ingwhattodowithherself。MexicanTown,somehow,wasspoiledforherjustthen,andshefeltthatshewouldhideifshesawSilvoorFelipecomingtowardher。Shewalkeddownthroughtheemptymainstreet。Allthestoreswereclosed,theirblindsdown。Onthestepsofthebanksomeidleboysweresitting,tellingdisgustingstoriesbecausetherewasnothingelsetodo。Severalofthemhadgone toschoolwithThea,butwhenshenoddedtothemtheyhungtheirheadsanddidnotspeak。Thea’sbodywasoftencuriouslyexpressiveofwhatwasgoingoninhermind,andto—nighttherewassomethinginherwalkandcarriagethatmadetheseboysfeelthatshewas\"stuckup。\"Ifshehadstoppedandtalkedtothem,theywouldhavethawedoutontheinstantandwouldhavebeenfriendlyandgrateful。ButTheawashurtafresh,andwalkedon,holdingherchinhigherthanever。AsshepassedtheDukeBlock,shesawalightinDr。Archie’soffice,andshewentupthestairsandopenedthedoorintohisstudy。Shefoundhimwithapileofpapersandaccount— booksbeforehim。Hepointedhertoheroldchairattheendofhisdeskandleanedbackinhisown,lookingatherwithsatisfaction。Howhandsomeshewasgrowing! \"I’mstillchasingtheelusivemetal,Thea,\"——hepointedtothepapersbeforehim,——\"I’muptomyneckinmines,andI’mgoingtobearichmansomeday。\" \"Ihopeyouwill;awfullyrich。That’stheonlythingthatcounts。\"Shelookedrestlesslyabouttheconsulting— room。\"Todoanyofthethingsonewantstodo,onehastohavelotsandlotsofmoney。\" Dr。Archiewasdirect。\"What’sthematter?Doyouneedsome?\" Theashrugged。\"Oh,Icangetalong,inalittleway。\" Shelookedintentlyoutofthewindowatthearcstreet— lampthatwasjustbeginningtosputter。\"Butit’ssillytoliveatallforlittlethings,\"sheaddedquietly。\"Living’stoomuchtroubleunlessonecangetsomethingbigoutofit。\" Dr。Archierestedhiselbowsonthearmsofhischair,droppedhischinonhisclaspedhandsandlookedather。 \"Livingisnotroubleforlittlepeople,believeme!\"heexclaimed。\"Whatdoyouwanttogetoutofit?\" \"Oh——somanythings!\"Theashivered。 \"Butwhat?Money?Youmentionedthat。Well,you canmakemoney,ifyoucareaboutthatmorethanany— thingelse。\"Henoddedpropheticallyabovehisinterlacingfingers。 \"ButIdon’t。That’sonlyonething。Anyhow,I couldn’tifIdid。\"Shepulledherdresslowerattheneckasifsheweresuffocating。\"Ionlywantimpossiblethings,\" shesaidroughly。\"Theothersdon’tinterestme。\" Dr。Archiewatchedhercontemplatively,asifshewereabeakerfullofchemicalsworking。Afewyearsago,whensheusedtositthere,thelightfromunderhisgreenlamp— shadeusedtofallfulluponherbroadfaceandyellowpig— tails。Nowherfacewasintheshadowandthelineoflightfellbelowherbarethroat,directlyacrossherbosom。Theshrunkenwhiteorgandieroseandfellasifshewerestrug— glingtobefreeandtobreakoutofitaltogether。Hefeltthatherheartmustbelaboringheavilyinthere,buthewasafraidtotouchher;hewas,indeed。Hehadneverseenherlikethisbefore。Herhair,piledhighonherhead,gaveheracommandinglook,andhereyes,thatusedtobesoin— quisitive,werestormy。 \"Thea,\"hesaidslowly,\"Iwon’tsaythatyoucanhaveeverythingyouwant——thatmeanshavingnothing,inreality。Butifyoudecidewhatitisyouwantmost,YOU CANGETIT。\"Hiseyecaughthersforamoment。\"Notevery— bodycan,butyoucan。Only,ifyouwantabigthing,you’vegottohavenerveenoughtocutoutallthat’seasy,everythingthat’stobehadcheap。\"Dr。Archiepaused。 Hepickedupapaper—cutterand,feelingtheedgeofitsoftlywithhisfingers,headdedslowly,asiftohimself:—— \"Heeitherfearshisfatetoomuch,Orhisdesertsaresmall,WhodaresnotputittothetouchTowin……orloseitall。\" Thea’slipsparted;shelookedathimfromunderafrown,searchinghisface。\"Doyoumeantobreakloose,too,and——dosomething?\"sheaskedinalowvoice。 \"Imeantogetrich,ifyoucallthatdoinganything。 I’vefoundwhatIcandowithout。Youmakesuchbar— gainsinyourmind,first。\" Theasprangupandtookthepaper—cutterhehadputdown,twistingitinherhands。\"Alongwhilefirst,some— times,\"shesaidwithashortlaugh。\"Butsupposeonecannevergetoutwhatthey’vegotinthem?Supposetheymakeamessofitintheend;thenwhat?\"Shethrewthepaper—cutteronthedeskandtookasteptowardthedoctor,untilherdresstouchedhim。Shestoodlookingdownathim。\"Oh,it’seasytofail!\"Shewasbreathingthroughhermouthandherthroatwasthrobbingwithexcitement。 Ashelookedupather,Dr。Archie’shandstightenedonthearmsofhischair。HehadthoughtheknewTheaKron— borgprettywell,buthedidnotknowthegirlwhowasstandingthere。Shewasbeautiful,ashislittleSwedehadneverbeen,butshefrightenedhim。Herpalecheeks,herpartedlips,herflashingeyes,seemedsuddenlytomeanonething——hedidnotknowwhat。Alightseemedtobreakuponherfromfaraway——orperhapsfromfarwithin。Sheseemedtogrowtaller,likeascarfdrawnoutlong;lookedasifshewerepursuedandfleeing,and——yes,shelookedtormented。\"It’seasytofail,\"heheardhersayagain,\"andifIfail,you’dbetterforgetaboutme,forI’llbeoneoftheworstwomenthateverlived。I’llbeanawfulwoman!\" Intheshadowylightabovethelampshadehecaughtherglanceagainandhelditforamoment。Wildashereyeswere,thatyellowgleamatthebackofthemwasashardasadiamonddrill—point。Herosewithanervouslaughanddroppedhishandlightlyonhershoulder。\"No,youwon’t。You’llbeasplendidone!\" Sheshookhimoffbeforehecouldsayanythingmore,andwentoutofhisdoorwithakindofbound。Sheleftsoquicklyandsolightlythathecouldnotevenhearherfoot— stepinthehallwayoutside。Archiedroppedbackintohischairandsatmotionlessforalongwhile。 Soitwent;onelovedaquaintlittlegirl,cheerful,in— dustrious,alwaysontherunandhustlingthroughhertasks;andsuddenlyonelosther。Hehadthoughtheknewthatchildlikethegloveonhishand。Butaboutthistallgirlwhothrewupherheadandglitteredlikethatallover,heknewnothing。Shewasgoadedbydesires,ambitions,revulsionsthatweredarktohim。Onethingheknew:theoldhighroadoflife,wornsafeandeasy,huggingthesunnyslopes,wouldscarcelyholdheragain。 AfterthatnightTheacouldhaveaskedprettymuchanythingofhim。Hecouldhaverefusedhernothing。 Yearsagoacraftylittlebunchofhairandsmileshadshownhimwhatshewanted,andhehadpromptlymarriedher。 To—nightaverydifferentsortofgirl——drivenwildbydoubtsandyouth,bypovertyandriches——hadlethimseethefiercenessofhernature。Shewentoutstilldis— traught,notknowingorcaringwhatshehadshownhim。 ButtoArchieknowledgeofthatsortwasobligation。Oh,hewasthesameoldHowardArchie! ThatSundayinJulywastheturning—point;Thea’speaceofminddidnotcomeback。Shefoundithardeventopracticeathome。Therewassomethingintheairtherethatfrozeherthroat。Inthemorning,shewalkedasfarasshecouldwalk。Inthehotafternoonsshelayonherbedinhernightgown,planningfiercely。Shehauntedthepost—office。Shemusthavewornapathinthesidewalkthatledtothepost—office,thatsummer。Shewastherethemomentthemail—sackscameupfromthedepot,morningandevening,andwhiletheletterswerebeingsortedanddistributedshepacedupanddownoutside,underthecottonwoodtrees,listeningtothethump,thump,thumpofMr。Thompson’sstamp。ShehunguponanysortofwordfromChicago;acardfromBowers,aletterfromMrs。Harsanyi,fromMr。Larsen,fromherlandlady,——anythingtoreassureherthatChicagowas stillthere。ShebegantofeelthesamerestlessnessthathadtorturedherthelastspringwhenshewasteachinginMoonstone。Supposeshenevergotawayagain,afterall? Supposeonebrokealegandhadtolieinbedathomeforweeks,orhadpneumoniaanddiedthere。Thedesertwassobigandthirsty;ifone’sfootslipped,itcoulddrinkoneuplikeadropofwater。 Thistime,whenThealeftMoonstonetogobacktoChicago,shewentalone。Asthetrainpulledout,shelookedbackathermotherandfatherandThor。Theywerecalmandcheerful;theydidnotknow,theydidnotun— derstand。Somethingpulledinher——andbroke。ShecriedallthewaytoDenver,andthatnight,inherberth,shekeptsobbingandwakingherself。Butwhenthesunroseinthemorning,shewasfaraway。Itwasallbehindher,andsheknewthatshewouldnevercrylikethatagain。 Peoplelivethroughsuchpainonlyonce;paincomesagain,butitfindsatoughersurface。Thearememberedhowshehadgoneawaythefirsttime,withwhatconfidenceineverything,andwhatpitifulignorance。Suchasilly!Shefeltresentfultowardthatstupid,good—naturedchild。Howmucholdershewasnow,andhowmuchharder!Shewasgoingawaytofight,andshewasgoingawayforever。 EndofPartII